Wednesday, July 1, 2009

JS Doctor - Empire of the Daleks (ii)

Books/Other Related Material-
Doctor Who: Pretensions of the Dustbins
Dr Who Discovers The Dustbins Are Overrated Crap
Self-Help: Discover The Inner-Dustbin and Clean With Pride Again
The Dustbins: Murder, Music, And Mayhem
The Dustbins Collectibles Big Book O' Crap
Meet The Dustbins - their first album (1964) with such classics as "I wanna clean your dust" "Clean It Up Baby!", and "We Are The Master of Earth"

Links and References -
The Doctor notes he hasn't encountered the Dustbins for several incarnations, ergo the David Segal incarnation cannot be canon, since he bumped into the sods all the time - usually when running across suspension bridges.

Untelevised Misadventures -
The Doctor once encounter the Skarian Warlords, a race of gerbils who subjugate other worlds by posing the inhabitants mathematical puzzles in a strange new warfare technique of mental torment. The Doctor notes that the Skarian Warlords are at least fourteen million times more dangerous a foe than the Dustbins.

Dialogue Train Wrecks


Catwoman: Tell it to someone who cares!


Dara: Rush hour must be like Star Wars!

Doctor: Shut up, Dara Hamilton. JUST SHUT UP!



Dara: L'observation de l'épisode courant de Blake Sept confirme toute ma nostalgie pour l'ère de Barry Letts. C'est détritus violent et ammoral!!

Dustbin: WH... WHAT?

Dara: Dara ne mangerait jamais un pastie de ginsters. Il s'inquiète de sa cuisine. Il aime les saumons smoked et la salade grecque.


Dara: Il n'y a aucune raison pour que Bowie m'évite. Je suis un ventilateur de longue date de Bowie.



Supreme Dustbin: YOU BLOODY IDIOTS!!

Dialogue Gems

Metter the Scumbag: Big girl in a little school girl's uniform! Hmm, very nice. I'm your friend! Give us a cuddle!


Metter the Scumbag: Don't pretend like you've not spooned with no hobo before!


Mark: For a bunch of salt and pepper shakers, they sure are... shithouse.


Doctor: They are the Dustbins.

Dara: What are they doing here?

Doctor: What they always do: conquer, enslave and kill every entity they can
find. And clean up the mess afterwards.



Doctor: You're a loony.

Emperor Dustbin: WHY, THANK YOU!!


Mark: Where did you get a slug-thrower like that in a place like this?

Dara: Car un homme gai j'a trouvé l'irritation de baiser de gay pendant qu'elle semblait être employée juste pour saisir l'attention comme si un son certain genre d'acte capricieux. Et renforcer juste ceci ils ont eu un poinçon vers le haut après snogging pour associer des baisers gais à S&M violent.

Mark: Well... good. Carry on.


Emperor Dustbin: MY DREAMS OF... *CONQUEST*!!!! ALL GONE!! NOOO!!


Mark: I'm thinking about staying.

Dara: Are you serious?

Doctor: YOU CAN'T BE! Mark, please reconsider before you make up your mind! The 20th century will be a primitive, hostile environment to you - no food replicators, no transporter beams, crime, poverty, bigotry, and every other sort of injustice!

Dara: I'll miss you, Mark.

Doctor: As will I!!

Mark: And maybe I'll miss you too. But don't count on it.

Doctor: Seriously, man, you can't leave me on my own... with THAT!

(The Doctor shudders and indicates Dara.)

Doctor: You've proved yourself invaluable in times of crises, like whenever this stupid bint thinks its funny to sing Manfred Mann songs for absolutely no reason whatsoever!

Dara: Doo wah diddy, diddy dum, diddy do.

Doctor: YOU SEE?!? SHE'S DOING IT AGAIN!! After all we've been through together, doesn't that mean anything to you?

Mark: Live long and prosper.

Doctor: Oh, VERY fucking comforting!!

Listener Reviews

"Hmmm. The biggest proof there is no god? The Empire of the Dustbins Strikes Back! Like that was a hard choice." - Cardinal George Pell (2000)

"The Empire Of The Dustbins Strikes Back! was the first SCAD I actually heard rather than letting the official guides and reviews do my thinking for me. But it's still the best I've ever heard, with its fast-moving, and yet slightly complex and entertaining plot which was stolen from three of my favorite Dustbin stories. It resembles absolutely no fanwank for other Dustbin stories as long as you have no idea what to look for. The climax for episode two hasn't been done eight hundred and seventy two times before, just eight hundred and seventy one! There aren't many bad parts of the story, more sort of one big fat bad part that crushes the good bits under its mighty bulk. And the Dustbin voices caused me to spontaneously defecate, so the SCADs have clearly discovered the Brown Note! All in all, on the scale of one to ten, I give this a naught." - Reg Whiffy (1998)

"It didn't live up to the hype. But then, the hype was so ridiculous it ruined the story before I heard it. Big Finish would laugh themselves to death if they heard both the story AND read the official reviews."
- Ewen Campion-Clarke (2007)

"A MASTERPIECE! It would not be hyperbole to say that Empire of the Dustbins Strikes Back is not only one of the best, but possibly THE best Doctor Who story out there! The Complete Works of William Shakespeare can go fuck itself! NOTHING humanity has done compares to this brilliance!! The Dustbins are evil and threatening; it is wholly believable that these creatures are capable of creating the havoc depicted in this epic. The characters are all three dimensional, and Mark Tryhard gets absolutely golden scenes in his last story. Colonel Crichton is shocking as the post-apocalyptic UNIT colonel, and Dara's realization that her parents were most likely victims of the Dustbin holocaust is truly heart rending. An example of Doctor Who at its finest!! WOW! THIS HEROIN IS BRILLIANT! That sounded TOTALLY convincing, didn't it?! But don't worry, the Dustbin voices will make you perforate your own eardrums long before you realize how derivative both plot lines are, what with the whole thing deliberately avoiding trying to be any good or original, and occasionally failing! I'm not sickeningly arrogant am I? It's just the party line! And the drugs! WOW! I'M ON THE DRUG THAT KILLED RIVER PHOENIX! YEAAAAAHHHH! I'M NOT ON DRUGS, I'M JUST STUPID! I'M NOT ON DRUGS, I'M JUST STUPID! I'M NOT ON DRUGS, I'M JUST... I forget. YAY! DUSTBINS ROCK!" - The Jeffrey Coburn Handbook (2000)

Jeffrey Coburn Speaks!

"This will always be my favorite story I did as the Doctor. Everything was right with this story. Great characters, great subplots, great Dustbins. Really behind-the-sofa stuff.

And Peter got a great leaving scene at the end. Of course, the trouble with Mark Tryhard was that he was envisioned as a transitional character, someone who had been with the Doctor a while and who could hold his own, especially if it turned out that my character needed help. It's just tragic that he never could help me with the obvious problem - shooting Dara through the head and burning her corpse so it could never return to life. Oh well, que sera sera...

Thirty-five years of Dustbins stories, but everyone says that The Empire of the Dustbins Strikes Back was the best one with them in. I'd hate to see the worst. All of the monsters and bad guys that Doctor Who was famous for didn't really fair very well when I met them. The Dustbins, who were supposed to be the most feared creatures in the galaxy, could, by the time I came about, be done in with a simple handgun. Really, how could they conquer half the galaxy if a two-by-four could smack its head off? I remember at one point Sheri coughed and three of them went up in flames, and they weren't even in the same studio. Of course, Ray insisted he bring in Dustbin props so we could act better... he made them himself out of hula hoops, garbage bags and dental filings.

Still, according to Doug that compared to the Sylvester McCoy episodes, these creatures I was recording with were truly menacing. Of course, he tended to shout that a lot. Even if we were talking about something else. Like the weather. He'd just, apropos of nothing, shout "IT'S BETTER THAN A McCOY EPISODE!" at the top of his voice. It gets comforting after a while.

It was the last story for Ray as script editor too, I remember. He and Doug were obviously cut from the same branch... inbred rednecks, the pair of them. There's a certain polish you could see when you read one of the stories that Ray had his hands on. Why he put shoe polish on his hands when he was script editing, we never did find out, but he was a very encouraging person, he enjoyed giving the new guy a break. I liked that policy. We've had a lot of up-and-coming writers cut their teeth on Doctor Who because Ray wanted to give them their chance.

Douglas of course was terrified they would discover his weaknesses, rise up and overthrow him, so he discouraged anything new. Always choose the Devil you know, he said, nailing up all those crucifixes on the walls of his office. That guy seriously needs a vacation."

Peter Hinchman Speaks!

"I thought the way they handled Mark Tryhard's character in "The Empire of the Dustbins Strikes Back!" was PHENOMENALLY bad. It was the most pathetic characterization that I've ever seen. He even twisted his ankle at one point for fuck's sake! And Tom Himinez wrote that, the guy who CREATED Mark in the first place!

It totally ruined my admittedly shaky faith in human nature, so I just improvised like a mad bastard. Threw the script out the window and by that I mean the beer mat with my dialogue hastily scribbled on it was shoved down Joe Medina's throat.

With me in control, I made sure Mark got the ending he deserved: going off to Vegas with Catwoman and a sport's car full of cash. Not even Mother Teresa could turn that offer down!"

Sheri Devine Speaks!

"Peter left the series with Mark Tryhard, and I was left on my own. Uh, I don't know whether it worked any better or worse, cause the one thing I liked about having him there is that he usually was the voice of reason to Dara's impulsiveness, and also he was the voice of reason to the growing insanity of the production team. It kind of gave a nice balance to play off to the Doctor, and kept the SCADs with one foot vaguely in the direction of the ground.

On the bright side, I just have to get rid of Jeff and I'd become the major star of the series! Fame! Lights! Stardom! Spaghetti denim! Anorexia nervosa! LEOTARDS!


Rumours, Slander, and Libel

In 1988, John Satan-Turner oversaw the production of "Rememberin' To Take Out The Dustbins", the last official TV Dustbin story until Rob Shearman was kidnapped by BBC Wales and produced, "I, Dustbin" in 2005. The main reason for this was the fact that the former story featured the Doctor blowing up the Dustbin solar system with a Gallifreyan super weapon known as the Handjob of Omigod, apparently wiping out the entire Dustbin species forever no returns.

Producer Douglas Phillips was furious when he saw this and immediately avowed to get his revenge. As he finally got control of the SCADs, he decided to overhaul the reputation of the Dustbins. "I may be unpopular saying this... in fact, I know I AM unpopular, but fuck that. I absolutely detested the way John Satan-Turner handled some of the classic monsters. The Dustbins, the epitome of intergalactic evil was reduced to some babbling psychopathic trashcans, incapable of menacing a wet paper bag let alone the entire universe. So I figured, as long as I was the one in charge now, I was going to 'fix' things."

This was a turning point in Phillips' life, as his sanity finally began to crumple under the pressure of running a massive spin off audio drama operation which was basically just occupational therapy that was supposed to keep David Segal off the street for a while. It was clear to all involved Phillips was rabidly jealous of JST, who worked with professionals to make proper canonical Doctor Who and finished their stories within three years of deadline, and who didn't have to put up with David Segal all day.

Phillips decided that his approach to dealing with the Dustbins was to make them virtually incapable of being destroyed. They would not be useless cyberporn addicts ("Dustiny of the Dustbins"), insanely stupid paranoid schizophrenics ("Erection of the Dustbins"), have proper space ships rather than turn up on bus coaches ("Rhododendron of the Dustbins") and also their planet Fargo would not be destroyed and indeed the whole of "Rememberin' To Take Out The Dustbins" would be completely and utterly retconned despite the fact the SCADs didn't consider anything post-Tom Baker canon anyway.

Phillips was now screaming insanely, "They'd all be laughing at me right now if they knew what I was trying to do. Trying to repopularize a great sci-fi monster race with a fraction of nature's resources and FOOLS for assistants! "Douglas Phillips, he's mad," they'd say, "he's dangerous!" Well, I'll show them! I'LL SHOW THEM ALL! It's my destiny, my legacy to both the audience and to whomever may follow us in years to come! A VERY GOOD LEGACY! NYEE-HA-HARRR!!"

However, Script Editor Raymond Dugong did not share this view. While it was true two of the stories JST had produced had shown the once-mighty Dustbins reduced to the state they envy a sack of dead hamster corpses, those stories were written by Eric Saward, a man who found the idea of killer cleaning machines "immature" and would rather be writing about cruel hardbitten mercenaries killing each other than Doctor Who. The last Dustbin story to date featured a flying Dustbin tackling a whole army single handed, and the Doctor noting that if the Dustbins attacked in force nothing, not even he, could stop the antiseptically-clean bloodshed, so they'd hardly been weakened.

Trying to make sense of Phillips' increasingly deranged commands, Dugong decided that the epic Dustbin story planned for Jeff Coburn would feature the most pathetic and contemptible version of the cleaning cyborgs ever seen. Thus, with a story establishing how crap they were, the SCADs could then set about rehabilitating them.

Chosen to help Dugong pen "JST-Hating Retcon of the Dustbins" were Thomas Himinez and Joseph Medina, who had respectively penned "Target Saigon" and "Dork Dreams" for the previous season. Thus, with their combined 'strengths' of outer space shoot-em-ups and incoherent UNIT Cold War thrills, they would be able to rip off the Jon Pertwee story "Nightclub of the Dustbins". In that amazing tale, the Doctor uncovers a strange nightmarish future where some LSD-addicted Dustbins have taken over a post-apocalyptic Earth, then changes history so none of it happened and basically the whole story was a waste of time.

Medina and Himinez decided that for maximum pathos, the Dustbins would be shown to be incredibly weak and stupid, lazy, slow on the uptake, prone to anxiety attacks and as difficult to destroy as a house of cards in a tornado. For added cringe-making worthlessness, Medina suggested they give the Dustbins the ability to alter their own history, making the inevitable defeat a thousand times more humiliating than normal. Himinez suggested the Dustbins be shown to be so stupid they give the Doctor complete access to their evil plans and then have the chutzpah to act surprised when he completely destroys them.

The story was rewritten again and again as every version offered up by the writers clearly showed the Dustbins as far too organized and ruthless a foe, and overall very interesting and thorough a plot. These delays meant that it would not be ready to be the season finale of Jeff Coburn's first season, itself taking three years more than expected to finish production.

The story - now tentatively dubbed "Umpire of the Dustbins" - became the big opener for Coburn's second season, before someone sneezed loudly and knocked all the post it notes off the white board. Therefore the Dustbin story would now be the second story of the season. It would also have to feature the departure of Peter Hinchman's character Commander Mark Tryhard.

Luckily, the story played to Hinchman's character's strength, set in a war zone of complete morons and ineffectual alien monsters, allowing Mark to point out how stupid everyone was. At Hinchman's request, Mark was not killed off in an epic Dustbin shoot out, but instead would strike up an out-of-wedlock sexual relationship with Catwoman, and stay behind in 20th Century Earth with her to disembowel ninjas. Some have speculated that this was a set up for a spin off featuring Mark and Catwoman, but this is of course ridiculous: as if Hinchman would ever want to come back to a rat infested fan audio series like this!!

Raymond Dugong was frankly relieved that the character was leaving: "Mark Tryhard was a very hard character to write for. He had such a strong presence that he would literally steal the scene, announce it was shithouse and then hand it back in disgust. Not a good characteristic against Jeff's Doctor who was certainly more mellow than David's ripoff, a moron who could hold his own against Hinchman's charisma. While that meant losing a good, three-dimensional character, Dara Hamilton delivered everything we needed for a companion to do and it was more believable for her to be asking questions than Mark Tryhard who was from the 24th century and who pretty much knew what was going on. Mark's character, and Peter in particular, were just too good for this crap. I think we can all appreciate the irony there."

Phillips was confident that returning Doctor Who to the one-companion formula that had been the norm of the parent show in its last seven years was a good move, and keeping the Doctor travelling with a moronic teenage girl in a miniskirt was something to champion. "I think female companions work much better than male ones," Phillips opinioned. "They have a wider range of emotions which can be drawn upon believably and can generate empathy from the audience much more easily. Plus, tentacle violation and overall rape scenes wouldn't work as well if it was a guy, would it?"

Meanwhile, production of the Dustbin story proved to be its usual nightmare. Though, for once, the script was accepted and ready for use, technical problems laid siege to the studios. The first half of every episode needed to be re-recorded due to the batteries running down on the sound equipment. It later transpired that David Segal had borrowed the batteries so his Dapol TARDIS could flash its light on and off, a passtime Segal said "put him up amongst the gods!"

The original device used to create the voice of the Dustbins stopped functioning three seconds prior to recording and a new, albeit different, device had to be obtained at the last minute - which involved getting Chip Jamison very drunk and sealing him inside a polished metal tank. It should be noted that Himinez was very impressed at this development, since the irritating monotonous nasal whine made the Dustbins even MORE annoying than the script did.

Further problems arose during the traditional punch up of Dara. The numerous blows to Sheri Devine's skull caused her severe concussion and she began to scream random obscenities in French. This is why, upon seeing Colonel Crichton attack Metter in episode two, Dara exclaims "Baisez-moi babouin comme la petite déclaration d'impôt sale que votre mère a mangée!" which roughly translates as "Fuck me baboon like the dirty little tax return your mother ate!"

This problem lead to Dara sprouting random gibberish throughout the story, but only the bits in French were in any way different from her normal everyday characterization, leading the Doctor to muse, "She's been pissing about with the telepathic translator circuits again, the stupid bitch!"

At the last minute, disaster struck even more than before!

Terry Nation discovered that the SCADs were making a Dustbin story without the proper sacrifice of 25, 000 human souls to obtain the rights for the metal bastards - in fact, no one can spoken any potent incantations at all, let along at the correct time! What's worse, the storyline which showed the Dustbins as a bunch of stupid, cowardly retards who wipe themselves out forever, did not handle Nation's moneyspinner with due care and attention!

Phillips had to talk for his life and eventually convinced Nation to let them off on the grounds that absolutely no one would buy or even listen to the finished story, since SCADs were completely unknown and unpopular since their arrogant put off potential customers.

The experience was truly humiliating and when Nation demanded the sacrifice of a human life to appease him, rather than choosing Segal or Jamison, Phillips threw Raymond Dugong into the Pit of Fire and Snakes, where his screams were downed in his own blood.

While this left Phillips desperately looking for a brand new script editor, it at least allowed production on "The Empire of the Dustbins Strike Back" to be finished - only a mere nine years after it was first commissioned.

On November 11, Remembrance Day, 1996, The Empire of the Dustbins Strikes Back! was released on the unsuspecting public... who remained unsuspecting, and indeed none of them ever discovered it was out. You can tell because one year later everyone was buying Orange Peel's "Warts And All Of the Dustbins" and hailing it as utter crap and not one person said, "Bullshit! The SCADs are the only constant!" Not even the SCAD personnel themselves, which is a bit of a downer.

But The Empire of the Dustbins Strikes Back! was, and this the absolute gospel truth, a landmark audio. It set the bar incredibly high for unofficial audios... in the fact it is the most expensive story ever produced by the SCADs or indeed any fan audio series ever.

Normally supplies, equipment purchase and actors salaries added up to around three pounds fifty and a complimentary McDonalds transformer toy, but this time everything totaled up to a price tag of £28,756.24.

This is because, when he quit the SCADs, Peter Hinchman stole the wallets of everyone involved and then emptied all their bank accounts. Hinchman himself is now living in Majorca and is now known as Pete the Henchman, an assassin for hire and part time greengrocer.

Numerous extradition appeals have been made by Dave Segal, all to no avail.


In 1999, Douglas Phillips' insane belief that The Empire of the Dustbins Strikes Back! was the best story in the history of everything ever, lead him to sending out pamphlets noting how utterly brilliant it was. These were handed out at science fiction conventions all over America... and all ended up in garbage bins or in paper plane competitions. Perhaps it would have worked better if Phillips' lawyers had suggested a few alterations to make the pamphlet an accurate portrayal of the story on offer -

When we last saw the Dustbins in the Doctor Who story "Rememberin' To Take Out The Dustbins", they were fighting among themselves and their home world Fargo was destroyed. But in the Doctor Who TV-Movie starring Paul McGann, we got a glimpse of the planet Fargo which is apparently intact.

So what the heck happened?

Some simply suggest that the five second cameo on Fargo was set before it was destroyed, but "The Empire of the Dustbins Strikes Back!" takes on the ambitious task of explaining it. And then some! Pretty neat for a story written and produced before the movie came out, eh? Anyone can explain away a continuity flaw, but to explain away one that hasn't happened yet? THAT takes imagination! And genius! And a steadfast pigheaded refusal to accept basic facts!

The Dustbins return to their former strength with a vengeance! They panic, they're stupid, they can't even take over the universe given the ability to rewrite time, their lasers are defeated by buckets of sand, they tend to self-destruct and they even LOOK crap! But JST is not involved, so it must be better than "Rememberin", with the solar-system spanning Dustbin Empire with its time travel, planet-cracking weaponry, Special Weapons Dustbins and climbing stairs without wussy trans-solar discs...

The Doctor (Jeffrey Coburn) and his companions discover that the Dustbins have
somehow reunified their forces. What's more, they have changed their own past and the Doctor must find out how they succeeded. Luckily, since all they did was nuke Earth in the 1990s, so it's not that hard to discover.

Thomas Himinez and Joe Medina worked together on this six-part audio-adventure!
Their intention was to create an epic tale in which the Dustbins would be dangerous adversaries once again and, at the same time, provide a worthy backdrop for the personal stories of the characters fighting them. OK, they failed completely, but to err is human. And to err to that degree makes Tom and Joe the most human humans ever.

The Empire of the Dustbins will be the last trip aboard the TARDIS for Mark Tryhard (Peter Hinchman). We learn more about his past and the psychological scars left from his military career in the 24th Century, all of which is simplified from Target Saigon and Fictional Hippopotamus. Anyway, through the course of his final adventure, Mark gets a chance at new friendship (and possibly romance), only to watch it die before his very eyes...then find it again. He loves, he lost, he gets over it. What incitement to listen!

We also get hints about the past of companion Dara Hamilton (Sheri Devine). Dara first appeared in "Countdown to Armadillo" as a promiscuous student at the
Cantebury School for Girls. In "The Empire of the Dustbins Strike Back!", we find out that Dara had deeply personal reasons for attending Cantebury School, reasons that still haunt her even now - she won a scholarship and wanted to impress her dad!! OK, it's not DEEPLY personal and doesn't really HAUNT Dara, but if that vacuous airhead is haunted by anything, it's a bit of academic pressure that gives her nightmares. So, with that one scene in episode two that is NEVER referred to again hyped up, we can move on to the rest of the cast!

You see, the Doctor's companions aren't the only ones with curious revelations in "The Empire of the Dustbins Strike Back!". The Dustbins destroy lives as well as exterminate them, and the characters that appear in the story to oppose them provide testimony to it. Not only is the survival of the human race threatened by the Dustbins, but also its nature. The relentless and brutal struggle reveals the dark aspects of characters we think we can rely on in this story, and the lowest of the low finds a shred of human decency in himself. By which we mean Chip Jamison plays a rapist that has a completely expected character twist and dies heroically. Twice.

And the Doctor himself will do things that no one would do even in a fan-created Doctor Who story like this one. He... reads some newspapers! Mucks about with the TARDIS! Makes a few phone calls! And sabotages a time corridor!

Listen to "The Empire of the Dustbins Strike Back!" and find out for yourself if we're talking crap - buy a special double CD going for the bargain basement price of £29,000!

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