Sunday, September 20, 2009

5th Doctor - Omega

Serial 6E/1 – Omigod
An Alternate Programme Guide by Ewen Campion-Clarke
An Extract From The EC Unauthorized Programme Guide O'mega Men

Serial 6E/1 – Omigod -

Millions of years previously, the ancient Gallifreyan Omigod went to Hawaii. Unfortunately, Rassilon and his mysterious adulterer found him and forced him to get back to work developing time machines. Omigod used his remote stellar stimulator - "the Handjob of Omigod" – to massage a star into becoming a curious black slot that could power time travel capsules forever. Unfortunately, Omigod got too close and plummeted into the blackness which Rassilon immediately dubbed 'Rassilon's Slot' before the patent offices shut, and linked the strange phenomenon to a 57 Chevy. The Time Lords were born.

Since then, it is rumored that Omigod found himself in an anti-matter universe, granting him godlike powers and unlimited dresses to wear. Unfortunately, there was a desk blocking the way out, so he now spends his time scaring passers-by. Thanks to time dilation, this means you can spot Omigod once every 1000 years as he says 'Boo!'

The bathetic children's educational theatre Legz Akimbo are now performing a play about Omigod simply entitled "Don't Blaspheme!". Normally they tour primary schools, but have now been hired to entertain a group of old codgers from the Sector of Forgotten Souls, a retirement home on Beta 5. The play goes well until the second act, whereupon a member of the audience leaps on stage – apparently not getting the whole 'acting' gig and is determined to save 'Omigod' from his rather nauseating fate.

The audience member, or "Doctor" as he likes to be known, is quickly restrained and dumped in the tour bus while the rest of the tour group enjoy the play. The Doctor, however, upon realizing its not real, notes a distinct media bias – the legendary Omigod is betrayed by his secretary, Van Dyke, who was secretly working for Rassilon, who was terrified that ancient Gallifreyan artifacts might NOT end up being named 'The Noun of Rassilon'.

The tour guide, Sexiness, explains that the play is fully authorized by Time Lord fan boy Professor Nettle-Rash, whose book "Look, Who Are You Going To Believe – Me Or Some Stupid Scrolls?" totally redefined the truth about Time Lords and their dark legends. The Doctor is rather annoyed when he only gets one mention in the index and no photograph.

Unfortunately, 'Omigod' (or rather, Olive Plimsoles) diverges wildly from the script and throws 'Van Dyke' into the crowd. The old age pensioners can't mosh for a damn and the casualty rate is quite high. Sexiness admits that this sort of thing has happened before; this theatre group is run by a manic depressive psychotic and they've got through twelve work experience kids here already today.

Olive is congratulating himself on his amazing improvisation and character work when the REAL Omigod stands up and complains at the performance. Well, not so much "complain", more sort of... "throttle". As he does this Omigod explains that the Doctor DIDN'T kill him with a Luger in Amsterdam, but simply reduced him to a cloud of agitated atoms that eventually got inhaled by a small dog.

After months of painful plastic surgery, that small dog has now become Omigod incarnate. However, he's decided that he is tired of Amsterdam and, is thus, tired of life and wants the Doctor to take him back to the anti-matter universe where he didn't have people laughing at him when he started wearing women's clothing.

He then goes back to throttling Olive Plimsoles.

After a few moments of whistling through his teeth, the Doctor agrees and sets the Professor's TARDIS for the core of the 57 Chevy of Rassilon. As he gets out the manual and looks through the pages, the Doctor remembers he knows absolutely sod all how to work a time machine bar flicking through 'Zen And The Art of The Helmic Regulators' and decides to just wing it and hope for the best.

Meanwhile, Omigod quickly uses one of his godlike chat-up lines on Sexiness, and she agrees to marry him. Like that. I don't know what that chat-up line was, but it was damn effective. He asks the Doctor to be the best man, and the Doctor – initially believing this to be a compliment rather than a request – blushes and giggles like a schoolgirl. Upon having the statement clarified, the Doctor sulks.

Annoyed at this reaction, Omigod continues to throttle actors.

Rather bored with this, Professor Nettle-Rash goes to the nearest phone and dials up the Time Lords to complain that two of their infamous renegades are undergoing a love triangle and ruining the old folk's educational holiday!

The TARDIS materializes and the real Doctor emerges, leaving Tegan and Nyssa inside for budgetary purposes. The other Doctor is, in fact, a remnant of Omigod's bondage with the Time Lord from their last encounter. Just as Omigod used a puppy to return to reality, so the Doctor bondage did the same thing.

The real Doctor, however, does not discover this right away, and initially puts it down to all the secondary smoke he's picked up in Amsterdam and promptly has a philosophical discussion with the wall.

Depressed, Omigod explains that he got his name from his babysitter – who exclaimed it very loudly when she saw was Omigod was doing to the frozen chicken the family WERE going to have for dinner. He guesses the nickname stuck, which was better than his original moniker of Peylicscintilliatwodogsfuckinglucis. Roll call on Gallifrey was a nightmare that last days, especially when the geek up the back kept complaining they were mispronouncing the fifteenth syllable.

Sexiness giggles at this, depressing Omigod even further.

Meanwhile, the bored pensioners steal the tour bus and head off to McDonalds. Rather at a loose end, Omigod agrees to settle down and live in the seaside resort with Sexiness, while the Doctor slips a back-hander to Professor Nettle-Rash to get the surviving members of Legz Akimbo to do endless plays about what a cool guy the Doctor is using the false Doctor to play himself.

The Time Lord returns to Nyssa and Tegan in the TARDIS, and promptly passes out on the floor, groaning.

Book(s)/Other Related -
Doctor Who Doesn't Feel Himself Today
Put Yourself Into a Child: Legz Akimbo Folio
Michael Moore Exposes: The Sector of Forgotten Souls!

Fluffs -
The Doctor's copy of "Girls Gone Wild - Lanzarote" is referred to as "Lanzarote Girls Go Wild In Baby Oil Twister".

Goofs -
The Time Lords created the nucleus of their power... in Brighton?

Technobabble -
"There's many a good interstitial vortex field maintained on an old relative continuum stabilizer. Whatever the fuck that means."

Links and References -
The Doctor mentions in his conversation to the wall that he never really wanted companions like robot dogs, Scottish rebels and Trojan handmaidens. All he wanted was Caroline Munro. That's all.

Oh, and 'Arc of Sinfinity' gets a mention. Maybe.

Untelevised Misadventures -
The Doctor accidentally annihilated three solar systems when on the piss in a Stigorian war vessel he'd hot-wired. He was so drunk he only knows this happened because he sobered up in the dock as he was being tried for the crime by Justice Once the Corruptible.

Groovy DVD Extras -
The extended "Tom Baker" calls Peter Davison sequence – cut from Dead Ringers because the threats Davison makes were teamed too terrifying for audiences in 2003.

Dialogue Disasters -

Doctor: Even when you have the whole of time and space to loose yourself in, sometimes the past has a habit of catching up with you. At least, it does in anniversary years. I mean, Dustbins, Cybermen, Trakenites, Omigod, Time Lords... The Mara will be turning up next!

Jeff: Your strangulation of my co-star is impairing his performance.

Doctor: We both rebelled against the orthodoxy of the society we lived in. You, in the name of science. Me, in the name of getting laid with a beautiful space babe with long, long green hair and at least six breasts.

Omigod: I have found this reality to be a cold and un-welcoming place. I know now where I belong. HAWAII!

Dialogue Triumphs -

Nettle-Rash: This beats old Simon Schama filming himself wandering around brothels of Kasterill Beta explaining the courtship of the royal family in the Late-Berantic era. Wonder if he's filmed in Amsterdam. I did notice a film crew – but that's not unusual. Yes, when I arrived, my TARDIS got stuck in the shape of a 1980s knocking shop after I re-programmed the chameleon circuit. Yeah, looking back, taking those hash cookies may not have been a good idea.

Doctor: You are an electronic mugging machine!
Book Dispenser: Would you like to consider other related titles, sir?
Doctor: How about 'coin shagger'?
Book Dispenser: I was talking about books.
Doctor: Oh. Well, have you got page 51 of Lolita?
Book Dispenser: No, you've taken our entire supply.
Doctor: DAMN!

Olive Plimsoles: My ability with endless prattle is legendary! I've won awards for prattling. I HAVE PRATTLED FOR THE QUEEN!
Sexiness: What? Elton John?
Olive Plimsoles: No, the OTHER Queen!

Book Dispenser: I don't think a glorified kitchen appliance is capable of doing what I do.
Nettle-Rash: I dunno. A fridge might. You can get a lot of porn into a fridge, nowadays.

Omigod: I've always had this strange premonition that I would end my life by dying.
Doctor: Well, that sounds reasonable.
Omigod: So it does! I guess I'm NOT insane!
Doctor: I wouldn't go that far.

Doctor: These are choices I have to make all the time. Sometimes I make the right one.
Sexiness: How can you tell?
Doctor: Because I don't spend the night in a cell with a recommendation for psychiatric counseling. AND less extinct solar systems.

Viewer Quotes -

"Dude. Two words. Caroline Munro. PHWOAR! She's hotter than my mum!"
- Nigel Verkoff (it was obvious, really, wasn't it?)

"Omigod is the audio equivalent of the film The Sixth Sense. It sucks."
- Blunt Review Monthly (2003)

"Damn it! I wasted 50 bucks and Zig-Zag-Gay-Ass is just a character being spoofed in a play! This six-foot jolly blond drag queen has nothing to do with the Eighth Doctor adventures! You arseholes, Big Finish! I HOPE YOU GET BOWEL CANCER!"
- Dave Restal (His Birthday, 2003)

"Conrad Westmaas sucked in this! He might be an actor and PLAYING an actor but honestly, how much ham can one man shave off? His melodramatic speeches are enough to make old ladies vomit! What on Earth possessed Big Finish to use this plonker! Thank Christ he didn't become a companion, that's all I can say!"
- Ewen Campion-Clarke (2003 – just before his faith in humankind was shattered forever.)

Psychotic Nostalgia -
"I really didn't know what to expect from this CD. A Doctor Who story, I guess, but I wasn't sure. Omigod, I suppose, was a good bet for who the villain would turn out to be. And the Fifth Doctor, I suppose, was the obvious choice of hero. Apart from that, and the ending, the story was a total string of surprises. Like a necklace made out of teeth."

Peter Davison Speaks!
"Omigod was a very well-written piece, very witty and not everything was as it seemed. It was a wordy script where you thank heaven you've got roots as an actor to go back to, but it was fun to do a sequel to Arc of Sinfinity – pity that we didn't GO to Amsterdam this time. I rather missed running across a city square, covered in Rice Krispies. Anyway, I was about to congratulate the author when I found out HE was the one behind Tom Baker making prank calls. I smashed that fucker so fast he didn't even hit the ground, the bastard."

Rumors & Facts -

In order to prepare for the staggering let-down of Zig-Zag-Gay-Ass, Big Finish Producer Gay Russell decided to do the decent thing and ensure that three even WORSE stories came out before hand.

Thus, he deciding to do the whole 'three-linked-standalone-stories-with-different-Doctors' approach he had used on seventy-seven previous occasions. These would force the fifth, sixth and seventh Doctors to face their mortal enemies for four episodes of self-justifying rhetoric claptrap. To get things off to the perfect balance, he chose Nev Fountain to pen a rematch between the Fifth Doctor and the Garm.

Nev Fountain was responsible for the first-ever Doctor Who webcast, Beth Comes To Rhyme. It involved the Seventh Doctor building himself an android son, Ace becoming a Time Lord and the ultimate destruction of continuity with everything post-Season 26 retconned out of reality.

If anyone could make a more objectionable and irritating story reality, Nev was your man. Indeed, he had already submitted a script called Celebrity Slaughterhouse where Dustbins, Cybermen, Snotarans, Ice Cream Vendors, Q-tip and Buffy beat the living shit out of each other while Tom Baker narrated with his usual flair.

However, Nev didn't think that the Garm was worthy for returning to Doctor Who, especially as rumors had it he about to get his own Russell T. Davies-scripted sitcom. After considering using the Sexual Toymaker, Gay Russell decided that the story would now revolve around Omigod.

The Tree Doctors portrayed him as a ranting loony, a man so shouty and
egotistical it wasn't worth listening to what he had to say. Arc of Sinfinity painted Omigod as a shallow victim. Nev was horrified at such lack of character continuity, until he realized he could simply dub ANY character in his script Omigod and no one could complain.

With all the money saved on script-editing, Big Finish was able to advertise mythical amount of cash long enough to trick Caroline Munro into starring in the story. It was only AFTER release that she realized she hadn't finally appeared in the permanently delayed 1990 Coast-to-Coast Doctor Who film: The Return of Nail-Varnish.

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