Friday, January 1, 2010

9th Doctor - The Parting of the Ways (ii)


Rose decides to try and sabotage the Dustbin plan by contaminating them with her DNA, turning them into sentimental and suicidal fools. With a cheeky grin, she starts running around, hitting Dustbins.

The Bastard calmly explains he actually thought she might try this and so these Dustbins are without that optional extra.

Rose is pissed off.

Parte The Third

The Dustbins gather up their allies – the Bastard, K9, Rose and a fat, bald, moustache-twirling egg-head called Shazar, a half-Gallifreyan pratt who couldn't even stand in for the Bastard at a photo shoot though lord knows, he tries.


The Bastard and K9 think the Doctor will run away in blind panic, Shazar thinks he'll die trying and Rose refuses to answer without her social worker present.

At that moment, the Dustbins discover that the TARDIS is hurtling through space – though whether it is aiming specifically for the Dustbin Saucer fleet or just passing through cannot be confirmed. The Dustbins prepare to fire a salvo of Ajax-filled missiles.

"You can't! The TARDIS has got all these defenses, you're not gonna kill him!" the four recurring characters scream helplessly.

"LAUNCH AJAX MISSILES!" orders the Dustbin, thinking this is an elaborate double bluff.

Aboard the TARDIS, the Doctor is bragging to Jack that the Dustbins clearly haven't thought this through, otherwise they would use their incredibly powerful transmat beam to snatch the duo aboard the Dustbin saucer. Jack hopes no one overheard that.

"But why are the Dustbins just making mankind watch crap television?" Jack asks, confused.

"Well, they've finally learned the harsh truth, Jack – Slob Factors, Grime Destructors, Mo' Lovin' computer viruses, Handjobs of Omigod... they just don't cut it as super weapons the same way that TV does."

The Doctor breaks off as he finally notices that the Cloister Bell has been ringing for the past three days. As he goes to remove the batteries, Jack points out that the Dustbin Mother-Saucer is now firing a flock of torpedoes straight at the TARDIS.

The Doctor is certain that the TARDIS is indestructible and tells Jack that if they link up the Surfboard of Rassilon to the console, any explosions will simply allow the time machine to create an impenetrable force field.

"Ah, so THAT'S why we're flying through space on a suicidal dive straight at the main Dustbin saucer instead of, say, simply landing aboard the saucer?"

"No, just coincidence really," the Doctor replies as the missiles hit.

There is a huge explosion which clears to show the TARDIS has disappeared.

No one – and I mean NO ONE – thinks it was destroyed.

Indeed, it has not exploded, but is so super-charged with energy that it resembles, in the immortal words of G. Russell "an epileptic disco". Jack is doing the twist, perhaps thinking he's in some strange intergalactic singles' bar.

When the TARDIS materializes AROUND Rose and her Dustbin escort, Jack just thinks this is some LSD flashback and he tries to destroy the devil that quite obviously wants his toenails and just happens to resemble an alien death machine.

Luckily, Rose ducks and it is the Dustbin that explodes.

The Doctor, however, has managed to make the trip of a lifetime – a pratfall that knocks him unconscious. In a daze, the Doctor hallucinates ominously – companions and enemies swirl before his eyes, fragmenting and distorting as they generally bitch at him for being such a know-it-all self-obsessed Northern git.

The Doctor quickly gets bored of seeing his life ripped to shred and thrown back at him in no particular order. Finally, after a New Adventures novel-worth of bitterness, confusion, mistakes and unfulfilled promises, Rose slaps him conscious. With a hammer.

Rose explains that Jack's suspiciously-convenient Dustbin-blasting-blaster has stopped working and thus they have to deal with just over half a million Dustbins - and from experience defeating one takes 45 minutes and a death toll of at least 200 extras.

Rose asks the Doctor what they do now and the Time Lord decides that he and Jack will use Rose as a human battering ram. The impact will infect the Dustbins with her DNA and cause the race to mope about, write some bad angsty poetry, and self-exterminate.

"Tried that," Rose replied. "Didn't work."


Typically, this is the one time the Doctor doesn't have a convenient vial of Dustbin Killer Anthrax on him at all! He then considers hoping that all this history changing will attract the Dommervoy and they'll devour the Dustbin fleet, but it quickly becomes apparent he'll have to get off his lazy ass and finally save the day himself.

Rose warns that he faces the combined might of the new Dustbin Umpire, PLUS the Bastard, K9 and Shazar.

"Shazar? That wanker? Heck, Adric could defeat him!" the Doctor laughs. "In fact, as time meddlers go, he is completely pathetic. If he doesn't grant you three wishes, he shrinks to the size of an action figure and is stuck in his bottle-shaped TARDIS!"

Deluding himself to this over-confident degree, the Doctor, Jack and Rose emerge out into a high-tech cathedral of Dustbins, a suave albino, a fat git and a robot dog.

The Dustbins immediately open fire, but the surfboard of Rassilon happily keeps the energy from doing anything and after a few minutes of insulting the entire Dustbin species in French, the Doctor mocks the fact that every last Dustbin in this saucer must be bricking it.

"Do you know what they call me in the ancient legends of the Dustbin Homeworld? The Oncoming Storm."

"Actually," the Bastard interrupts. "They call you the Bringer of Darkness and the Destroyer of Worlds. It's the Zarbi that call you The COMING Storm, dumbo."

"Do they?" asks the Doctor innocently, checking his nails. "I guess it just shows how utterly common Dustbins are. The Zarbi rank far higher in my estimations. What a pathetic race you lot are, Dustbins. I bet you only survived the Temporal Difference of Opinion with help. Go on – admit it? How did you survive the Temporal Difference of Opinion? Was it the Moxx of Balloon? I bet it was the Moxx of Balloon!"

"No, actually. It was me," says a horrible, booming voice from behind the Doctor. "The Dustbins survived through me."

The Doctor and companions turn to face the owner of the voice.

"Well, shave my arse and call me Denise!" the Time Lord gasps in absolute surprise. "YOU!!!"

Gliding out of the shadows is a wrinkled, twisted figure – a one-armed, eyeless cripple in a portable Cyberloo.

"Lavros!!" the Doctor hisses.

"No!" the mutant retorts. "It's me! Adam! Adam Mitchell!"

"Who?" ask all three regulars.

"You know! Adam! The guy you took on as a companion on a trial basis, the guy that single-handedly saved the universe and you repaid by stranding him in Cardiff with a data-port in his forehead that opened whenever someone snaps their fingers?"

The Doctor shrugs. "That's hardly narrowing it down, is it?"

"You remember me, Doctor! Don't deny it! You always got my name wrong, always called me Aaron..."

"AARON! Well spank my ass and call me Thalia, I wasn't expecting that! But what happened to you to reduce you to a state like this?!"

Adam snarls. "YOU try giving birth through your forehead to alien protoplasm and see how good you feel!"

"Oh, Bondmania. So, Aaron, what happened next?"

"Funny you should ask, Doctor," the former companion replies.

Suddenly, an American 1960s-style pop-tune starts up and a wall slides back to reveal a full rock and roll band of Dustbins, playing various musical instruments. The rest of the Dustbins start spinning, cheering and rising and falling in a kind of whole-body-Mexican wave. As the whoppping-big intro climaxes, Aaron begins to sing.

(The lyrics are shown on screen with a bouncing Dustbin-ball)

"Well, since you went and dumped me
In Cardiff, Twenty Twelve
I've devoted my existence
To making your life hell!

With future knowledge
Played the stock market
And got filthy stinking rich.
Spent two hundred thousand years
To get even with you, bitch!!

To get even with you bitch,
I brought back your oldest foes!
Took control of Geocomtex
Underneath your very nose.
To live this long
And sing this song
I used lots of alien dross
And you will address me
By my new name –
The Second Lavros!!!"

The Doctor, Rose and Jack look around, ever so slightly disturbed as the Dustbins spin around and the Bastard does John-Travolta-like disco moves and Shazar does the Funky Gibbon.

"I've seen what you've done
Throughout human history
So I have planned my vengeance
And done so carefully.
Took control of Brands Hatch racetrack
Began Reality TV
Along with a complex plot
To bring you here to me!

To get even with you bitch,
Make you pay for all your sins!
Perverted the course of progress
Made a new race of Dustbins!
With K9
And the Bastard
And the machine that goes ping
Myself and my Dustbin hoards
Will exterminate everything!"

All the Dustbins scream, "EXTERMINATE!" predictably.

"Humanity will rot away
And the Dustbins take their place.
If only to see that stupid grin
Wiped off from your face.
The Temporal Difference of Opinion
Is almost over now
And if Rose says anything
I'll zap that stupid cow!

Oh, mankind is finished!
The Dustbins rule the stars!
No more transvestite lumberjacks
Hanging round in bars!
I will rule the universe
And bring forth Apocalypse
Shoulda treat me better
But I'll get even with you, bitch!!

The audience – bar the TARDIS crew – scream, applaud and generally make themselves look like so pathetic that subscribers to "Whazzo Girls And The Farm Animals Who Love Them" look cool and mature in comparison.

Adam – or rather, Lavros II – explains that using the deadly reality TV game shows on the Game World, all the losing contestants have been pulped, sifted, purged, nurtured and converted into Dustbins.

Unfortunately, as they only convert the LOSERS of the game, this new Dustbin army are driven mad by the fact they are pathetic wasters who, truth be told, aren't really into cleaning. The shitty Dustbin brainwashing has created a race suicidal and with terrible body odour the Doctor cheerfully dubs 'The Stink of Humanity'.

He then starts hurling abuse at the so called "God of All Dustbins" for being a bald lunatic with no control over his bodily functions – at least when he was human he had hair!

"Well, screw you, Doctor!" Lavros II replies. "My army will purify the Earth with fire and the planet will become my temple! There will be a thousand concubines to share my bed! A royal guard of a thousand hand-picked virgins! Adam's Royal Mounties! After two hundred thousand years, I SHALL GET LAID!!!! This will be our PARADISE!"

"And what are YOU gonna do about it, Master?" K9 asks.

The Doctor grins in a very scary way, then takes the microphone from Lavros II and begins his own song – the bouncing Dustbin-ball replaced with a bouncing TARDIS-ball...

"I'm gonna confound you
Completely astound you
I'm gonna deal with the Dustbins
Once and for all.

You see you've left me
With a weapon quite deadly
And that said deadly weapon
Is under MY control.

Do you remember
The Delta Wave?
Hurling everything
Into the grave?
Inspiration is striking!
And it's rather frightening!


Just plug in a cable
And with the flick of a switch
Unleash the wave
On you, you Dustbin bitch!
But it's the final blast
That'll fry your brains!


I'm sick of being used
Mocked and abused
Battered and bruised
I have had enough

I'm gonna kill you all
Watching everyone fall
Then maybe
Become Rose's bit o' rough

But back on the Game World
There's a lever to be hurled
And nothing
Will ever seem the same.

This the final fight
It feels so right...


Rose takes the mike. Why? Dunno. She just wanted to sing, I guess.

"Well I woke up one morning
And the guy next door
Picked up a knife
And threw me to the floor

Turns out I'd killed him
In a previous life
But he now forgives me
Will I be his wife?

I'm having second thoughts
That I can't deny
There's a psychotic gleam
There in his eye

I don't doubt that
He'll pull the switch
He's just that kinda guy
A son of a bitch!"

The Doctor elbows her away and re-takes the mike.


Just plug in a cable
And with the flick of a switch
Unleash the wave
On you, you Dustbin bitch!
But it's the final blast
That'll fry your brains!


At this point, the Doctor, Rose and Jack simply slip away in the TARDIS as everyone else is caught up singing and dancing. Finally Lavros II notices and is pissed off.

Watching all of this is that annoying white wraith.

The TARDIS returns to the Game World where Lynda and the Face of Bond have free the Eighth Doctor from his stasis capsule. Earth refuses to believe that there is a gigantic fleet of Dustbins directly overhead and think this is just a cheap excuse to show repeats of Bear With Me.

The Face of Bond is at a loss as to why no one will take his claims seriously and everyone else tries not to snigger at the bouncing head of Pierce Brosnan in a jar mincing like there's no tomorrow.

Aboard its base ship, Lavros II sets the fleet of Dustbin saucers to carpet bomb the Earth, intending to transform the world into a paradisiacal gravel quarry.

The Bastard is a bit confused – the Doctor intends to use the Game World to fry their brains with a Delta Wave and so the Dustbins have decided to vacation on Earth instead of, say, blowing up the Game World with a tactical thermonuclear missile strike?!

Lavros II insists he knows what he is doing, just as Shazar waddles in and announces that their enemy has used the Surfboard of Rassilon to cover the Game World in an impenetrable energy-deflecting force wall. If they fired missiles now, it wouldn't work!

Lavros II explains all they need to do is send in Dustbins on foot, so to speak, and they can break into Brands Hatch and exterminate the hell out of everything they find.

This will take quite some time, so the Bastard suggests that they get the hell on with it before the Doctor sets up the Delta Wave broadcaster. Lavros II laughs evilly and explains this is all part of his grand design. In the meantime the vacation of Earth will continue.

The Doctors are ripping the control deck apart and connecting lots and lots and lots of wires together to program the broadcaster dishes to release the Delta wave. It's a bit hampered by the fact the Eighth Doctor is surprised that his future self is lusting after such a poor specimen as Rose, but the Ninth reveals that Charley doesn't do it for him any more. The long hair, the welsh accent, the singing career...

The Ninth Doctor suddenly announces that he needs all the time he can to set up the wave and orders the Face of Bond and Captain Jack to defend the world from the Dustbins for as long as possible, even though it is clearly a suicide mission.

Rose insists that Lynda throw her life away with the others, and Lynda reveals that Rose was the bully at her school. Before anyone can ask just how the hell Lynda traveled to the Game World 198,100 into the future, the Ninth Doctor tells Lynda to hop it, and she does.

Jack, realizing that this could be the end, grabs the Doctor and snogs him passionately. It is only when they come up for air Jack realizes he's fondling the Doctor, not Rose, as he'd intended.

Dreadfully embarrassed, Jack and the others leave.

The Ninth Doctor explains to Rose that he can't construct a Delta Wave to destroy the Dustbins, but he can set up a Certain Death Delta Wave to fry the brains of every living thing in the solar system. So saying, the Eighth Doctor switches on the timer and jumps into the time-loop machinery to return to his own timeline.

The Ninth Doctor and Rose prepare to flee in the TARDIS and he sends Rose on ahead as he disconnects the Surfboard of Rassilon so he can hang around alien beaches looking cool.

Unfortunately, Rose sets the TARDIS in motion before the Doctor can return. It was one of those "Whatever you do, don't touch the blue button!" "Don't what?" "Touch the blue button!" "Okay, touching the blue button now!" "No, wait --" sort of incidents.

As the time machine hurtles off into time and space, the Doctor is left trapped aboard a stricken Game World about to be invaded by Dustbins and with a Delta Wave time bomb ticking down to destruction.

Parte The Fourth

As the Dustbins close in, the Doctor suddenly prays that the last few centuries are actually nothing more than Matrix projections that happens to be being controlled by some nice, pleasant person who will now rescue him from a fate exactly like death.

But nothing happens.

The Doctor decides he'll just have to diffuse the Delta Wave device and pray something Apocalyptically neat happens.

Down on Floor Zero, the winners of the various gameshows are wishing similar things. They refuse to listen to Jack's slurred claims that the Dustbins have returned and only a handful of people are willing to attack the deadliest cleaning machines in the cosmos with AK47s. Those that do assume this is just another reality TV show.

The Fourth Doctor stays behind while the rejuvenated Brigadier (who was snatched from the TARDIS in "Funky Town!" and placed into the worst show of all – "Parkinson-Droid") agrees to wipe out these invaders with five rounds rapid.

As the small army prepare to fight, the Fourth Doctor insists to his fellow winners, "Look, you're all totally wrong about the Dustbins, they are nice fun-loving creatures - all the killing stuff is just a build up for a big surprise party for me! You see? It's all just a practical joke being played! You see! It's going to turn out that all the death and wars and stuff was all just one long running practical joke that the Time Lords are playing on me! The thing is, right, is that the Time Lords are bored and they've just got together with the rest of the universe to play a big joke on me!"

The winners just look at him oddly.

Aboard the Dustbin Saucer, Lavros II hears word that Earth is now a blasted cinder hanging in space – or Fargo II as it will now be named. "This is perfection!" Lavros II crows to the assembled Dustbins. "I have created Heaven on Earth!"

"You've also wiped out all your main source of DNA to convert into more Dustbins."


The Bastard urges Lavros II to start storming the Game World and Lavros II reveals that he had the racecourse specially adapted so it could only send out Certain Death Delta Waves to wipe out all life.

Shazar is awed. "Of course! That means that no human could dare use it against us for fear of wiping out humanity!"

"Oh yeah," Lavros II nods, "it does too! Fancy that!"

"You didn't know?!" the Bastard spits. "You deliberately make sure that the Doctor has the means to wipe out everything and then give him ludicrous amounts of time to aim it at us?!"

"Trust me," Lavros II insists, before sending a text message to the Doctor's mobile that he doesn't have the balls to sacrifice humanity to destroy the Dustbins once and for all.

The Bastard and Shazar watch this, speechless.

"Er, Lavros II?" asks the Bastard awkwardly. "I know you're pretty new to all this evil master plans to conquer the universe. Pretty much the first lesson is to have the worst case scenario one where you just lose. Not have a best case scenario where you and your entire army are fried. Even Shazar learned that!"

"I certainly did," Shazar agrees. "Took a few tries though."

"Look," the Bastard continues. "Are you TRYING to get us all killed?"

Lavros II grins.

Thousands of Dustbins fly through space towards the Game World. Lynda is placed in the commentary booth of the abandoned racecourse while Jack valiantly leads the last line of defense and the Brigadier takes charge of a two-red-T-shirt crew to stop the first wave.

The Doctor furiously struggles to defuse the time bomb he's created while the Dustbins invade the complex through the ventilation shafts. As the Dustbins prove completely unharmed by AK47s, the Brigadier screams over the communicator that "You liar! You said that these bullets would stop the Dustbins!"

"Can I help it if you were dumb enough to believe me?" Jack replies as the Brigadier and his men are gunned down by lethal X-ray beams.

The Dustbins then find themselves transmatted into The Weakest Link, delaying them until the end of the first round when a Dustbin called Baz is so pissed off at being voted the Weakest Link it exterminates the Anne Droid and every Dustbin that voted for it.

Meanwhile, the other Dustbins have a clear run to Floor 500 and the Doctor. So, obviously they decide to head straight in the opposite direction as far as they can.

"WHAT?!" the Bastard screams. "Dear God, what is wrong with you?!"

"You don't understand, do you?" Lavros II mocks. "I can see by the expression on your face that I'm fucking with your mind. You see, all this was planned! Bringing the Doctor here, K9 tricking him into 'accidentally' discovering us, giving him access to a Delta Wave, giving him the time he needs to set it up..."

"But why the hell are you doing it?! Why not just teleport the Doctor out of the TARDIS, bring him here and kill him?! Why not get a Dustbin to take a neutron bomb through the force-field and blow up Game World?"

"I have my reasons."

"Tell me what they are!"


"Why not?!"

"I can't tell you."


"I have my reasons."

The Bastard shakes his head and decides to quit while he's ahead. He orders Shazar to grant him three wishes – his TARDIS back, guaranteed survival and that Shazar admit he wears women's underwear.

Shazar is up for the first two but not the last. Thus, due to the bizarre sentence by the Time Lords, the chubby renegade is sucked back into his genie bottle, which the Bastard promptly pockets.

"Good luck with your plans," he mocks Lavros II until eighty-seven Dustbins point their guns at him and order him to stay where he is.

On the Game World, Dustbin force reaches Floor 0 and finds the game show winners. Since these Dustbins are all losers of the game shows, they have some serious issues they decide to resolve violently.

"Trust me," the Fourth Doctor shouts, "it's going to be the biggest, longest and most hilarious practical joke ever!"

Seconds later, every last one of them is dead and the Dustbins start to head for the top floor once again. They pause on the way to scare Lynda into falling onto the racetrack, where a second Dustbin force runs over her in their own Gymkhana challenge.

Lynda with a Y is now Splat with an S.

On the top floor, the Doctor looks up in surprise as a magical, glowing, ethereal being appears in Mid Air above him. "Well, cuff me to a post and smack my ass with honey!" the Doctor cries.

It is the Moxx of Balloon!

The Moxx grandly explains that Lavros II has manipulated the Doctor to this point and that he, the Moxx, manipulated Lavros II in order to manipulate the Doctor. The Moxx also started the Temporal Difference of Opinion and manipulated the end as well.

"Why?" the awestruck Doctor asks.

"RATINGS!" the Moxx roars. "The Temporal Difference of Opinion was the best-rated reality TV series in the entire Multiverse! And now this is the final episode of Temporal Difference of Opinion Two: Postmodernism of Fatal Death!"

"What? Are you just going to keep making reality TV shows about me destroying planets for the rest of eternity?"

"Of course not. Like you're gonna survive this!!"

The Moxx makes a strange noise and vanishes in a puff of light.

"Stitch that and gob up a stick, honey!" the Doctor calls after him.

Back on the Dustbin Saucer, the Bastard is protesting that this is either the worst-thought-out plan in the history of the universe EVER (and he'd know if anyone would). Unless Lavros II is doing all this specifically to wind up the Doctor and get him to use the Delta Wave

The Doctor rips out a final red wire and the timer stops – the Delta Wave now only works on manual. As he sighs with incredible belief, the Dustbins charge the barricade where Jack's force is hiding in terror.

Jack, who had popped off to the toilet, returns to find his force massacred and the Dustbins closing in on him. Jack runs for Floor 500, using an AK47, a .45 and finally his bum-gun against the Dustbins to no avail. Well, the Dustbins were a bit freaked by Jack pulling a laser from his anus, but it didn't stop them.

Finally Jack steps up to the Dustbins and offers his body for them to use as they wish. They wish, however, to exterminate him.

"Normally I get a movie and dinner first," Jack pouts.

The Dustbins zap him to death and close in around Floor 500. Bursting in through the doors in cheap Blake's 7 symbolism, these faceless death machines close in around our leather-clad anti-hero.

"If you strike me down, I shall either become more powerful than you can ever imagine... OR... I'll just regenerate into some other bugger. Do you feel lucky?" the Doctor challenges. "If I press this lever, and I activate the signal, every living creature dies. Yippee-kai-ay, mother fuckers!"

"Do it," Lavros II goads. "I am immortal."

"D'you really wanna put that to the test?"

"No better time."

"What about your Dustbin hoards! Are they happy to die!"

"Yes, actually. They're sick, pathetic wastrels who actually worship ugly wheelchair-bound mutants! Of course they want to die! They hate themselves! That's why I created hundreds of thousands of them and waited centuries in torturous agony until you popped by when we were ready and then I could get you to kill us."

"By the Great Gonads of Rassilon! That's a pretty complicated plan!"

"Thank you. With my miserable, suicidal army and my incredibly convoluted self-destructive plan, I can both finish off my army, prove my immortality AND demonstrate to you what a jerk you are."

"You mean, either I destroy everything or you destroy me and conquer the entire freaking universe."

"That's about the size of it."

The Doctor puts his hands on the lever, grins that scary grin and... steps away from the lever.

"WHAT?!" Lavros II screams. "You will let Mankind will be harvested because of your weaknesses!"

"Well, to be honest, I doubt there's much Mankind left to be harvested. And if you think I'm going to prove YOU right, Aaron, than I'd rather die!"

"So be it! EXTERMINATE!"

Meanwhile, the TARDIS crash-lands in Rose's Cardiff housing estate. Rose, disturbed after she finds a home made hologram of her making out with Susannah Harker, emerges and stumbles onto Mickey, who grins broadly. He knew she'd come running back to him.

He takes her to a fast food restaurant with Jackie where they reveal they have something to tell Rose – Mickey and Jackie are an item now. Jackie was the closest thing Mickey had to Rose and Jackie was, well, so desperate she'd settle for anything by now.

Disgusted, Rose runs out of the restaurant, but she cannot stop thinking about her boyfriend is now shagging her mother. Compared to this, the Doctor's life seems like promotion.

While wandering through a part Rose finds a letter addressed to her sticky-taped to a tree. Confused, she reads it:

"Hi, Rose. It's me, Rose from the future.
All you have to do to escape this shitheap is to rip open the TARDIS console to trigger the Genie Factor, and wish to travel back to the Game World. Also wish to become a God, because, like, that is SO cool! You get all these neato powers and also you can leave this message for you to read in the past!
Oh, and here's how you get back at Mickey and Mum..."

So, Rose steals Mickey's VB beetle and, attaching the bumper bar to the console, burns out all the wheels and writes the car off trying to open the TARDIS console.

Rose then steals her mother's earth mother and retries the experiment. This time, the console opens. Rose hurries inside the TARDIS and stares into the bright light, and makes her wishes.

The TARDIS vanishes with three more CGI flashes than normal. From their bedroom, Mickey and Jackie watch this negative reality inversion, shrug and get back to screwing like rabbits.

The TARDIS hurtles through time and space and returns to the Game World just as the Dustbins are about to exterminate the Doctor. Rose Tyler, glowing brightly and using received pronunciation has become some kind of Super-Chav.

The Doctor is rather startled to see his companion has become the embodiment of the time vortex, effectively become the ancient Time Lord superweapon that was constantly being held back as a last resort in the Temporal Difference of Opinion.

"Galloping Gallifreyan Gogbogglers!!" he cries.

"This is the Abomination!" Lavros II screams hysterically. "You know, the blonde chick imbued with the power of time itself! Didn't anyone else stay awake during scripture?!"

But no Dustbin energy beams can strike Rose, who prepares to use her formidable powers to wipe out the Dustbins once and for all. And she means it.

"You cannot hurt me, I am immortal!" Lavros II snaps.

"You are tiny."

"No need to be personal!!"

"I can see the whole of time and space, every single atom of your existence, and I divide them."

All the Dustbins on the Game World disappear in puffs of tinsel.

"The Temporal Difference of Opinion ends," Rose announces, and points a glowing finger in the direction of the Dustbin Saucer.

Inside, the Bastard says, "Fuck this!" and runs into his TARDIS as Lavros II screams at the top of his annoying voice that he is immortal and he will not – can not – die!!

Rose zaps the huge saucer and everything in it.

Nothing happens.

"Ha! Who's laughing now, blondie?" Lavros II snorts before noticing that everything around him is starting to collapse. "Oh, bol--"

The entire Dustbin fleet dissolve into golden dust.

Despite the Doctor's pleading, Super-Rose goes on and brings back every last person on the Game World and Earth back to life. Even Captain Jack, who is amazed that the afterlife resembles life so thoroughly it might as well be the same thing.

Meanwhile, the Fourth Doctor and the Brigadier flee with their ill-got gains back to the 1970s for further non-canonical and non-airable adventures in time and space and Cardiff.

"But this is wrong!" the Doctor complains. "You can't control life and death! Not without a note from your mother!"

"But I can. The sun and the moon, the day and night... but why are they so dull? I can see everything... all that is... all that was... all that ever could be."

Delighted, the Doctor leaps to his feet. "But that's what *I* see. All the time. And doesn't it make you horny?"

Rose nods.

The Doctor embraces her. "Rose, I don't care if you killed the old me any more. I hate the poofter myself. But I love you!"

"Um, you know I didn't actually kill the other you?"

"You didn't?"

"Nope. Mickey was driving."

"MICKEY?! That little... You mean to say I not only wasted this entire incarnation on a blood vendetta, I wasted it on the WRONG person?! I definitely need a good shagging now!"

So saying, he and Rose begin to make out.

Captain Jack groggily stumbles into the chamber. The Doctor, still snogging Rose, flips him the bird and escapes with her in the TARDIS. Jack watches sadly as he police box fades away.

"Fuck me ragged," he sighs, leaning on the Delta Wave lever...

Back in Cardiff in 2005, a vortex drops the Eighth Doctor back into a sidestreet outside his TARDIS and his companion Smelly Ed.

"Hah! I'm back! Free from K9 altogether! No more constant Temporal Differences of Opinion! No more time loops! I control my own destiny, my own horizons! Destiny can't touch me now! That future I saw can now never be! I'm finally going to –"

At this point, a bright yellow VW beetle with flames up the side turns the corner and strikes the Eighth Doctor down. As the car drives off, Smelly Ed follows it, leaving the dying Time Lord to regenerate.

"Bitch!" the new Doctor snaps, getting to his feet. "You just wait, girly! You've pissed off the wrong person!"

Meanwhile, elsewhere...

As the TARDIS hurtles away from the Game World, the Ninth Doctor lies in bed with Rose Tyler, enjoying a post-coital banana. However, he quickly starts to panic when Rose suddenly screams, covers her chest with the sheet and demands to know what the hell happened.

The Doctor realizes that the Vortex energy has worn off and thus Rose has no memory of recent events – particularly the karma sutra-busting shagging they just did.

As the Doctor begins to calm her down, he notices the bloody Watcher has been perving on them the whole time. Worse, his left heart has stopped beating and the rest of his body is about to follow!

"Rose Tyler," he sighs. "I was gonna take you to so many places and christen them. Bristol. Not the city Bristol, the planet Bristol. You'll love it, fantastic place, they've got hotdogs made of horse genitals!" He laughs weakly. "Imagine how many times a day you end up throwing up at the thought of it, and it's still funny!"

"Why can't we go?" asks Rose, diverting attention as she tries to slip her bra back on.

"Maybe you will. And maybe I will, but not like this," the Doctor grumbles sadly.

"You're not making sense. As usual."

"I might never make sense again! I might have two heads! Or no arse! Imagine me with no arse! And don't say that's an improvement," the Doctor rambles hysterically, noticing the white figure is stalking towards the bed menacingly. "It's a bit dodgy, this process. You never know what you're gonna end up with – but I doubt it'll be Scouse with girly hippie hair like last time..."

"Doctor, tell me what's going on!" Rose demands, giving a shifty look at the ghostly white figure at the end of the bed.

"Rose... I -- I'm dying. Ironic really. I thought you killed me before but instead you've killed me now!"


"I've absorbed the energy of the time vortex out of you and the TARDIS granted my wish – sex with you before I die. Now I've shagged you, it's making every cell in my body die! Stupid, literal-mind genie circuitry! It's the last time I use it – hell, it's the last time I do anything..."

"You can't die, Doctor!"

"Yes, I can. Look, this is me, dying... A tear, Rose? I don't do waterworks so SHUT IT!! I'm dying here! Who's supposed to be the one speaking his last words, eh? Who's the one supposed to be passing on his last bits of wisdom to a sorrowful companion? Me, that's who! And who's not supposed to be going on like a chattering monkey?"

The Watcher steps up to the Doctor and he awkwardly continues: "Right. Fantastic. Now, I'm gonna change – nifty Time Lord trick of contractual renewal... Sorta way of cheating death, except, it means I'm gonna change. And I'm not gonna sleep with you again, not like this, not with this stunningly handsome demigod face. And before I go –"

"What?" Rose asks, freaked.

"Rose," the Doctor croaks. "Before I go I just wanna tell you - you were fantastic in bed... absolutely fantastic... a veritable demon in the sack! And d'you know what?"

Rose shakes her head.

The Doctor grins. "So was I!"

The Watcher cuts the crap and merges with the dying Doctor.

If Rose was troubled about waking up amnesiac naked to the similarly naked Doctor who suddenly announced he was dying and it was all her fault, she is definitely freaked when she is suddenly sharing the bed with a man-sized cobweb-smothered mummified embryo.

Then the Watcher slowly dissolves into a spiky-haired young Scotsman whose eyes bulge as he realizes who he's sharing a bed with. "Hello!" he grins flirtatiously. "I'm Casanova!" The new Doctor frowns and spits on the floor.

"Urgh! Banana! That's weird. Now, where was I?" The Tenth Doctor stares at Rose's breasts. "Oh yeah, that's right! Bristol!"

As the Ninth Doctor dies, his entire life flashes before his eyes.

Awaking on a Cardiff street, covered in tire marks.
Pulling a knife out on Rose.
Singing Monty Python's "The Galaxy Song".
Holding an all-night rave in a built up area during the hours of darkness.
Seducing Mary-Jane, a woman made of marijuana.
Getting so stoned he can contravene the laws of time and space.
Screaming "I WANT SOME CHIPS, YOU TART! CHIPS! CHIIIIIIIIIIPS!" over and over again.
Kidnapping Peter Marwood and asking for his autograph.
Ignoring Rose completely and unleashing the Gelth because they said his leather jacket really suited his shoulders.
Ogling Rose while she is stoned and not responsible for her actions.
Bribing the cops to arrest Jackie Tyler.
Out staring an evil alien pig in a spacesuit.
Tricking the Slitheen into thinking there are invisible force fields all around him and they can't hurt him – and they fall for it!
Telling Mickey to piss off.
Giving the Brigadier an electric nipple cripple.
Torturing a Dustbin.
Being told he'd make a good Dustbin himself.
Singing Gilbert and Sullivan songs. Backwards.
Forced to witness the death of Rose and Gerald, his pet tooth decay.
Watching Speed Racer with unimaginable intensity.
Beating up Adam.
Leaving him on Earth and beating him up again. Good times.
Breaking the news to Rose that there is no Santa Claus.
Mocking the bride and groom for their pathetic little lives.
Watching Rose make out with herself of several hours hence.
Dubbing a passing cat "Splinx" and making him a new companion.
Listing the uses of a banana in casual conversation.
Pretending to be a God of the Fourth to scare zombies.
Taking the piss out of Jack by prancing around the control room.
Shoving past Q-tip the Secretary, barging into an office shouting "Jerzei, I'm hooooooome!"
Coping a feel off the Mayor of Cardiff, Paris Hilton.
Realizing Paris Hilton was, in fact, the Brigadier.
Appearing in Big Brother.
Having this flashback about having this flashback about having this flashback about having this flashback about having this flashback...

Suddenly, the Ninth Doctor finds himself standing on the other side of the console, a transparent and intangible ghost as his next incarnation tries to seduce the completely bewildered Rose.

A bright light shines down on the ghostly Doctor, who looks up to see a huge crowd of bit part characters who died before he had a chance to shag them. As they beckon him closer, the ghost of the Ninth Doctor sees Romana doing something with a banana.

"FANTASTIC!!" the ghost Doctor roars and takes a leap upwards into the Light. However, as he spots Adric, Mel, C'Rizz and David Brent in the Light, the Doctor realizes that the Light, may in fact, be Hell.

The dead Time Lord has second thoughts and tries to run back to the TARDIS, his body and Rose – but an invisible force drags him, kicking and screaming, back into the Light anyway.

The Doctor screams for Rose to help him - but she can't hear him.

The Ninth Doctor's abusive Northern screams are finally silenced as he is drawn into the Light and finally vanishes...

The END.

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