Scene 51 – Outside Office
[Adam emerges from a lift and hurries down the corridor, wearing a coat and a backpack.]
ADAM: [calls] Mum, just letting you know that things have gone a little bit wrong, there’s an evil alien on the loose and by morning western civilization as we know it will be utterly destroyed, so I’ve decided to move to Rome and pull as many Italian chicks as possible before the human race is rendered extinct. You cool with that?
[Snarling, ET Fairfax lumbers out of Sue-Ellen’s office and lurches towards him.]
ADAM: Dad?? [amazed] What are you doing here? What’s happened to you? Did you lose weight or something, you’re looking fantastic! And, oh, I love what you’ve done with your hair – the tentacle dreadlock thing, man, you are so on the pulse you could be a heart surgeon! Oh, yeah, and about my allowance...
[ET starts to club Adam down, who folds like a house of cards.]
ADAM: Hey! Ow! It’s me! Argh! Adam! You’re son? Remember? I’m your biggest tax dodge! AH!
[ET stops and lets Adam’s lifeless body drop to the floor. A pause.]
ET: Adam... oh yeah. Sorry.
[Adam struggles to get up, with a massive nose bleed.]
ADAM: No sweat... chicks dig scars...
[ET lets out a plaintive roar.]
ET: Help me...!
ADAM: Mmmm. I think we were talking about my allowance, weren’t we?
Scene 52 – Office
[The Doctor and Sue-Ellen watch this from the doorway. Gunther is at the terminal.]
DOCTOR: Wow. Turns out young Aaron there has a two-track mind after all. And that’s one better than the rest of you. So, you going to join in with the family healing.
SUE-ELLEN: [after a pause] No. No, I don’t know.
DOCTOR: You amaze me. Oi, Gunther, you got that map of the base up yet?
GUNTHER: Yeah. [twigs] Oh, did you want to see it?
[The Doctor rolls his eyes, which proves to be a mistake as he’s walking across an office littered with shards of broken door and a dead speaking part character. He trips over Goddard’s corpse and falls to his knees beside the desk, which means he is eye-level with the monitor, showing a map of twenty levels in different colours. He tries to pretend nothing has happened.]
DOCTOR: So, which level are we on?
GUNTHER: [points] That one, right below the surface of Cardiff. And this is the Dustbin, right at the bottom...
[A Pac-man-style graphic of the Dustbin buzzes around the bottom level, eating things.]
DOCTOR: Not for long, it’ll try to get out. How many exits from the base?
GUNTHER: Just the one, here. Can I use independent thought briefly?
DOCTOR: [stares at him] Just this once.
GUNTHER: Well, as there’s only the one way out, we can just concentrate the rest of our troops in that area...
DOCTOR: Too obvious. People don’t read Shearman scripts for obvious. Besides, once the Dustbin reaches any of these upper levels, it can simply blast its way through the walls to freedom and cleaning products. Course, this would be much easier if we actually knew what was happening down there.
GUNTHER: Sorry about that, but Mr. Fairfax smashed the intercom.
DOCTOR: Oh, are you honestly telling me that Fairfax Telecommunications, the most powerful phone and internet service provider in the whole world, only has one intercom for its whole underground base and not even any kind of bluetooth or walkie-talkies with its soldiers? That is the most insanely stupid and moronic thing I have ever heard! [sighs] But it’s also utterly convincing given what I’ve seen of the idiots who work here...
[Sue-Ellen strides over to them and presses a button on the keyboard. The map turns to a red block.]
DOCTOR: Oi! Lady McBeth! Did I give you permission to press buttons? What are you doing?
SUE-ELLEN: Sealing the vaults with ten foot thick steel bulkheads.
DOCTOR: That won’t stop it! The Dustbin can cut through steel like a thing that cuts through steel with ease...
SUE-ELLEN: It’ll give us time, until it calms down.
DOCTOR: Are you all incredibly stoned or something? It is not going to ‘calm down’! All you’ve done is sentenced whoever else is down there with it to death!
GUNTHER: Actually, I should point out that the vaults aren’t sealed.
SUE-ELLEN: They aren’t?!
GUNTHER: No. You pressed the wrong button, madam. It’s the whole base that’s sealed from the outside world and now we’re all trapped.
SUE-ELLEN: This is all your fault, Gunther!
GUNTHER: [nods] My apologies, madam.
[The Doctor holds his head in his hands.]
DOCTOR: I wonder how Rose is coping at the moment?
Scene 53 – Corridor
[Just around the corner from the Dustbin Cell. Bywater, Rose and Nicholas Briggs are running towards the stairs. Why they’ve taken this long to cover four metres, I dunno, but there’s probably some narratorial time-dilation flashback crap going on. I mean, this isn’t a documentary, is it? Is it?]
BYWATER: There’s only one way out of here – the lift to the upper levels. Trouble is, that’s two floors up!
ROSE: What retard architect designed this place?
[Behind them, the Dustbin glides around the corner and motors towards them.]
BRIGGS: Progress, huh? Never trusted it myself! People make the most dreadful mistakes in the name of progress...
[The Dustbin fires at them, but misses as they sprint up the stairwell and out of view. The Dustbin glides to the bottom of the stairs and effortlessly flies up after them.]
Scene 54 – Outside Office
[ET Fairfax clutches his mutated head in pain.]
ET: Destroying my mind... I can’t stop it...
ADAM: [snatches out checkbook] Quick! Sign some blanks for me while you still can! [coughs] Oh, and, er, while you’re doing that I can think of someway to help you, dad. Uh... any suggestions?
ET: Laxatives. Need laxatives.
ADAM: ...I don’t understand. And that might be a good thing.
ET: Did you ever love me?
ADAM: Well... [awkward] I want to say “yes, of course”, but it could threaten my masculinity...
ET FAIRFAX: Then give me laxatives! I demand them! At once! I’ve been living off Big Macs for months now! Do you know how long it’s been since my bowels moved?!?
[Adam is appalled. In the doorway, the Doctor, Sue-Ellen and Gunther watch on.]
DOCTOR: We need more information, find out exactly where the Dustbin is making for... but I don’t have a copy of “D’you Believe Me” – conveniently priced at just ten pounds from anywhere Big Finish Productions are sold – on me at the moment...
GUNTHER: Well, we’re screwed then, aren’t we? It’s not as if you can just ask it...
DOCTOR: Or maybe I can... you two stay here. Can your brain process and hold that idea? STAY!
SUE-ELLEN: Where are you going?
DOCTOR: To chat to your husband – maybe he can give me some tips in how to put up with you...
[As the Doctor leaves the office, ET’s anguished face relaxes, and breaks into a ghastly smile. Adam sniffs the air and retches violently.]
ET: Come closer, Adam.
ADAM: [splutters] No thanks... I think I’ll wait for the air to clear first...
DOCTOR: Don’t let him touch you in naughty places!
[ET turns to look at the Doctor and snarls. This may or may not be scary depending on direction, prosthetics, sound design, and acting ability. Just go for it in the meantime, OK?]
ADAM: But my father hasn’t signed these checks...
DOCTOR: Your father is dead!
ADAM: [eyes boggle] He is?! Then that means I inherit! Hah! Fuck you, old man!
[He flips the mutant the bird.]
Scene 55 – Museum
[Rose, Bywater and Briggs race past the exhibit cases towards the lift. Bywater stabs the control and the doors slowly open. Behind them, the Dustbin floats up the steps and onto the floor and begins vacuuming.]
BYWATER: Come on you slow-moving piece of shit!
ROSE: Hey, I just had a brilliant idea – we can just hide in the TARDIS! I’ve got the key...
ROSE: OK, let’s stick with plan A.
[They bundle into the lift, but it seems as if Rose’s mighty breasts mean it is too crowded and the doors won’t quite shut and keep jerking open and closed. The Dustbin slowly moves down the aisle towards us.]
ROSE: [glumly] I always knew you two would get me in trouble one day...
BYWATER: Out of the lift, blondie!
[He grabs Rose and tries to force her out, but Briggs tries to keep her in, causing a mass fondle.]
BRIGGS: She's a Godsend, you know!
BYWATER: Either she dies, or we all do!
[Suddenly, the dustpan of the Dustbin forces its way through the gap. It dips under an empty tin of dog food in the doorway which is what is really keeping the doors open. The dustpan oozes and engulfs the tin can and pulls it out of the lift with terrible speed. Immediately the doors shut and the lift moves, leaving the Dustbin behind.]
Scene 56 – Lift
[The trio stand around awkwardly. Booker T & the MGs’ “Green Onions” plays inappropriately in the background.]
BYWATER: Um... sorry about trying to sacrifice you back there.
ROSE: Fuck off.
BYWATER: [shrugs] You’re feeling upset, I understand...
BRIGGS: I suggest we move as fast as we can. Since you’ve committed us to this ludicrous course of action, Stride!
BYWATER: I think he wants the lift to go faster.
ROSE: Why? We’re safe aren’t we?
[The lift shakes suddenly. The occupants exchange glances warily. Then the lift lurches more violently, and part of the floor is blown away. They peer into the hole.]
BYWATER: The son of a bitch is flying up the lift shaft after us!
[A blast of lethal CGI hurtles up through the gap. Briggs screams as his toothbrush falls into the hole.]
[Briggs lunges for the hole, but Rose holds him back as more of the floor gives way and the debris and the toothbrush plunge towards the Dustbin below. It blasts it again before it can strike, vaporizing it into a stream of dust and film through which the Dustbin can fly unimpeded. The surviving lift occupants cling to the sides of that same lift.]
BRIGGS: [primal scream] GERALD!!!!
ROSE: Right. I vote we get off at the next floor! Who’s with me?
BYWATER: Let me answer that with a shameful panic attack.
[He whimpers and presses the emergency button. The lift jolts and the doors open and the trio scramble out as the Dustbin smashes its way through the lift floor. It quickly starts to tidy up the mess as Rose and other speaking parts run for their lives...]
Scene 57 – Outside Office
[ET looks up at Adam, as the Doctor watches on. Behind them, Sue-Ellen and Gunther also watch on, but they don’t have anything to do in this scene and I just mentioned them ]
DOCTOR: Don’t listen to him, Aaron! [in his “God of the Fourth” voice] ET Fairfax. Focus on me.
DOCTOR: You’re in its mind, aren’t you? The Dustbin shares your thoughts, it speaks to you. Tell me what it says.
[ET weeps in pain.]
ET: It-says-I’m-dirty. Dirty-dirty-dirty.
ADAM: Doctor, stop! If you’re gonna hurt him, make him name me sole beneficiary while you’re at it...
DOCTOR: [relentlessly] If there is any part of you that is still human, help us!
[He reaches out his mutant claw, suddenly talking normally again.]
ET: Come to me, Adam. Be one with me. We shall find laxatives together!
[And the tendril that is its hand, opens its mouth. Almost hypnotized, ADAM reaches forward...]
ADAM: Great (Riddley) Scott!
[The Doctor shoulder-charges Adam, knocking him out of the way, but the tendril stabs the Doctor in his neck.]
DOCTOR: SHIT! Didn’t see that one coming...
[The Doctor falls to the ground as ET gets to his distorted feet and legs it, passing the Watcher at the end of the corridor, who stares at the writhing Time Lord in... well... pretty much the way he has been all episode.]
Scene 57 – Corridor
[Absolutely identical to the last time we saw this set, but it’s ostensibly several levels higher than before. Doesn’t stop people wondering if the scenes are out of order as yet again, Bywater, Rose and Briggs run down it chased by a Dustbin packing heat. Mind you, if any of these bloody critics paid attention, they’d notice that Briggs wasn’t wearing his toothbrush, so... yeah. Who’s laughing now?]
BYWATER: To the stairs!
ROSE: Yeah, cause that always works!
[Behind them, the Dustbin raises its gun, takes aim... then shudders.]
DUSTBIN: [shocked] Guh-what-now??
(The DUSTBIN raises its gun - then stiffens...)
Scene 59 – Outside Office
[The Doctor manages to sit upright and looking rather unwell. He spots the Watcher and waves him away.]
DOCTOR: [groggy] Don’t you touch me you wraith-shaped twat... Come nowhere near me...
ADAM: Just out of idle curiosity, what have you done?
DOCTOR: Become a Dustbin... like yer dad... On the bright side, I can find out exactly where it is...
[He gives a cry of pain. The Watcher makes “wind it up” hand gestures.]
DOCTOR: Corridor J19... Tell them...
[He nods at Sue-Ellen and Gunther, still standing in the doorway.]
ADAM: I was kind of planning on fleeing the country...
DOCTOR: [roaring] AARON!! DO IT!
[Adam whimpers and runs over to his mother as the Doctor sinks lifelessly to the ground.]
Scene 60 – Office
[Adam enters at a run, startling Sue-Ellen and Gunther. This is very damning, since they could see him coming.]
ADAM: The Dustbin is in corridor J19! Oh, FYI – there’s a live alien you locked in the basement, tortured and now it’s infected dad with its inhuman seed! God damn it, why did you lie to me? Dad was here all the time! He was sick and I could have helped him, or at least got him to adapt the will...
SUE-ELLEN: Adam, just shut up...
ADAM: I mean, at the very least I wouldn’t have kept pestering you, asking where he was all the time. I always thought you were cold, austere and stand-offish. You’re just a complete idiot!
SUE-ELLEN: Whatever! Look, Adam, your father is... was an exceptional man. I made him an exceptional wife. We tried with you, Adam. But you were just... ordinary. Less than ordinary. The only thing exceptional about you is your ego, and your insane belief you have any kind of intellect, ability or authority.
ADAM: Oh, wonder where I got that from, madam?
SUE-ELLEN: I said, “good day,” sir!
[She turns to Gunther, who is tapping at the terminal.]
SUE-ELLEN: Now we know where the Dustbin is, plot it’s course.
GUNTHER: Yes, madam. The Dustbin has to emerge here...
SUE-ELLEN: Good. Send all remaining troops to the area. And cancel their Christmas bonuses, they probably won’t be needing it.
[Adam watches on, hurt and isolated. Then he notices he’s standing on Goddard’s corpse.]
ADAM: Oh no! My reserve date for when Rose turned out to be crap in bed! That alien slag has ruined my day! Killed one girlfriend, seduced another, and I’ve definitely missed the best part of Debbie Does Donkeytown. Well, my extraterrestrial creature of lies, you made your fatal mistake!
[He puts on a pair of bitching shades.]
ADAM: You messed with the A-Man.
Scene 61 – Outside Office
[The ailing Doctor lies on the floor, his neck is now wrinkly, slimy and green-brown.. The Watcher stands beside him, arms folded, bored. A strange shimmering ghostly Dustbin forms in the air above the Doctor.]
DUSTBIN: Can-you-feel-me-Doctor? Growing-inside-you? Kinky!!
DOCTOR: [dazed] I shall be a Dustbin... No... that’s not right...
DUSTBIN: Never-mind-that-now. I-need-your-help-Doctor.
DOCTOR: My help?
DUSTBIN: I-have-had-no-contact-with-my-race-since-that-incident-with-the-Handjob-of-Omigod-in-1963. I-need... need...
DOCTOR: [laughs] What? Friends? But you don’t have friends, do you? Not strategically important enough! You just have fellow cleaning aides!
DUSTBIN: I-need-a-purpose. I-need-a-motive. I-need-orders.
[The Doctor is astonished at such barefaced plagiarism, it takes his mind off the painful mutation gig.]
DUSTBIN: You. Doctor. Give-me-orders.
DOCTOR: This is definitely ripping off “D’you Believe This?”!!
DUSTBIN: I-am-a-cleaner. I-was-bred-to-receive-orders-about-which-messes-to-clean-up. Where-will-I-get-my-orders-now? Huh? Got-an-answer-for-that-clever-trousers?
DOCTOR: Let me get this straight. You want me to be your commander?
DUSTBIN: You-know-the-Dustbins. Orders-from-you-would-be-acceptable. Certainly-better-than-the-inbred-morons-and-sex-offenders-I’ve-put-up-with-for-the-last-fifty-years-at-any-rate...
DOCTOR: [worryingly enthusiastic] And what shall we do, Dustbin? Spring clean the universe?
DUSTBIN: Um. OK. I-will-follow-your-orders.
DOCTOR: Or maybe light charity work? Help the old folks stay clean...
DUSTBIN: Well-er-if-those-are-your-orders... Look-I-require-orders-OK?
DOCTOR: Then I have one. Kill yourself.
DOCTOR: Don’t be an Indian giver! You want orders, I gave you one, you bleedin chicken!
DOCTOR: Ah. But I can make you self-destruct. We’re linked.
DUSTBIN: [clearly frightened] Oh-bugger-should-have-thought-of-that-really...
DOCTOR: [crazed grin] Time ta die!
DUSTBIN: No! You will die too...
[The Doctor glances up at the Watcher, who nods.]
DOCTOR: Well, guess I will, but I’ve done the long haul. Now! Destroy the Dustbins! Forever!
[The Doctor bugs out his eyes and grates in the usual Dustbin fashion...]
[The ghost Dustbin whimpers and vanishes, leaving the Doctor gasping on the floor.]
DOCTOR: Eh? I’m still alive! Fan-tast-tic!
[He pulls at the mutated patch on his neck, which easily peels off in crispy chunks.]
DOCTOR: The Dustbin destroyed the mutation before I could use it to kill him. Clever git. Still, imagine, just a few seconds longer and we’d both been dead. Must be my lucky day, eh?
[The Watcher, annoyed, kicks him and storms off.]
DOCTOR: Oh, pardon me for breathing! Right. Where was I? Oh yes.
[He gets up, and stumbles off down the corridor in the direction ET took.]
Scene 62 – Corridor
[Rose, Briggs and Bywater are running down that damn corridor again, but this time in the opposite direction. Finally, they pass a control on the wall. Bywater runs over to it and operates the control. A heavy metal door falls down with a clang, blocking off the rest of the corridor. The trio pause to get their breath back.]
BYWATER: That’s does it... Hatch’s sealed.
ROSE: Why... in the name... of God’s Arse... didn’t you do that... earlier?
BYWATER: Hey... you’re the one... who unleashed... the alien killing machine. Let’s keep it... in perspective... here...
ROSE: I think we’ve lost it, though...
BRIGGS: Very unlikely.
[And there is a distant crash against metal, back the way they came.]
ROSE: You think so?
BRIGGS: [nods] Even more unlikely.
BRIGGS: But it can’t... That’s just not fair...
[There’s another crash, closer and louder.]
ROSE: [nods] Run.
[They sprint down the corridor, leaving Bywater to stare at the bulkhead as it starts to shimmer and shake, as the crashing gets louder and faster. Finally he twigs.]
[He runs after the others to the next panel and presses a control and another hatch starts to close. They run through the gap before the hatch closes.]
BYWATER: And again!
[They run to the last control panel at the end of the corridor. Behind them, the other hatch shimmers and ripples before exploding outwards. The Dustbin flies through and closes in on the trio as Bywater presses the control and the hatch begins to close.]
ROSE: It’s nearly on us!
BRIGGS: Quickly, everyone! Into the time disruption field!
[They duck under the closing door, but Bywater stays where he is, watching the Dustbin speeding towards him.]
BYWATER: Oh, I am completely sick and tired of this cat and mouse shit. Time to take the kid gloves off.
[Decisively, he takes off his gloves. Rose and Briggs crouch to peer at him through the closing hatch.]
ROSE: Are you mixing your meds or something? Run, you suicidal idiot!
BYWATER: Oh no. If you have a flintlock, flaunt it! Tell momma that I died a hero!
[Bywater draws such a weapon as the hatch shuts. He then shoots at the Dustbin. Nothing happens.]
BYWATER: Ah. I hadn’t really counted on this particular eventuality...
[The Dustbin takes aim and fires at Bywater, who ducks. The laser bolt strikes a pipe marked with a skull and crossbones and the words “DO NOT SHOOT THIS PIPE WITH ALIEN DEATH RAYS”, and thick clouds of smoke spew out into the corridor.]
BYWATER: Hahaha! Who’s the suicidal idiot now, huh?
[He starts to choke. The Dustbin reaches him and just watches him.]
DUSTBIN: Not-me-buster. That’s-for-sure.
[Bywater falls to the ground, agonized.]
BYWATER: [dying] God damn it... Why don’t you just... die? Show a bit... of fucking... consideration... for once...
[Bywater has a violent coughing fit, convulses and is still. The Dustbin watches dispassionately.]
[It aims its gun-stick at the hatch and starts blasting it.]
Scene 63 – Office
[The Doctor gingerly steps into the office. Adam has put on a long leather coat so he looks like he should be in The Matrix. Sue-Ellen is sitting behind the desk, resting her feet on Goddard’s corpse. Gunther has brought in a very old-fashioned tannoy and is working on it with a screwdriver.]
ADAM: Oh. Hey. I thought you were turning into a hideous inhuman freak of nature.
DOCTOR: [looks at his clothes] I was, but you’re obviously better at it then I am, Aaron.
DOCTOR: No, I think you’ll find it’s Aaron.
ADAM:... I hate you.
GUNTHER: [into mike] All guards hold position. When the alien appears, fire on it with maximum force. Don’t get all wussy and humanitarian or anything...
SUE-ELLEN: No! [into mike] No, don’t damage it, it must not be harmed...
GUNTHER: But, madam, if you don’t want it damaged and it can’t get out... why bother sending the guards there?
SUE-ELLEN: [shrugs] I dunno. I feel like organizing a massacre. And stop showing signs of independent thought!
ADAM: Why don’t you want to damage it? You were happy enough to torture it... with Simmons!
SUE-ELLEN: But I want it alive. It hasn’t given me what I want yet!
DOCTOR: And of course you’re in sound enough state of mind to confirm it’ll be worth all those lives?
SUE-ELLEN: Oh, I am, Doctor. I am.
[She flinches and twitches for a moment, but acts like nothing happened.]
DOCTOR: You’re a rabid fucking psycho. You think it’s just going to surrender?
SUE-ELLEN: We have seventy men down there. Once it realizes it’s outnumbered...
DOCTOR: ...its first impulse will be to kill them. Seriously, how difficult a concept is this? “Death on Wheels”! That’s what you’re dealing with here. The only chance of stopping it is to give it no time to attack first. And even that’s pretty remote at the moment. Gunther, please, use those brain cells. They’ll listen to you...
GUNTHER: [awkwardly] Not without madam’s order.
ADAM: Then I order you. Hit it, bitch.
ADAM: Oh, sorry, did I, Ordinary Adam, forget to mention? I’ve inherited the lot and I’m taking it.
[Sue-Ellen giggles and drools slightly. Adam picks up a flintlock and aims it at Gunther.]
ADAM: Tell them to attack. The A-Man has spoken!
Scene 64 – Corridor
[It’s that damn corridor again. Briggs and Rose are running up the stairs and onto the level. They rush up to the nearest control panel and try to fiddle with it.]
BRIGGS: Just a bit further, Mr. Crouch, and we’re out of the vaults! I can hear a stream quite close. If we follow that, it should lead us to the...
[Rose hits the button and they start to move when the steel hatch slams down instantly, preventing them going any further. It certainly didn’t take its dramatic time like all the other hatches. Rose stabs the control but it doesn’t work.]
ROSE: Oh no... OK, Toothbrush Man! There has to be another way out!
BRIGGS: That would mean that these catacombs don’t really exist, as we understand existence. And while we’re trapped inside them, neither do we!
ROSE: [stares at him] ...is that good?
[Behind them, the shadow of the Dustbin appears as it ascends. Briggs falls to his knees.]
BRIGGS: Will you stop! Ohhh! Leave me alone! Why can’t you leave me alone?!?
[The Dustbin glides straight towards them.]
BRIGGS: For pity’s sake, please, don’t hurt me, I’ll do whatever you want!
[The Dustbin takes aim at Briggs’ head.]
BRIGGS: You can’t kill me! I’m a socialist! I’m on your side!
[The Dustbin pauses.]
DUSTBIN: I’m-a-fascist! Exterminate!
[The Dustbin blasts Briggs. The telltale X-ray ripple seems to have no effect, though.]
BRIGGS: [thoughtful] I’m already dead...
[He pitches forward onto the floor. The Dustbin turns to face Rose Tyler.]
ROSE: [furious] Hey! You told me to leave, I’m leaving! Why are you going postal all over the place?
DUSTBIN: They-tortured-me. They-violated-me. They-uploaded-footage-of-violating-me-to-youtube-and-other-such-alien-bondage-websites. If-they-had-done-that-to-you-would-you-not-kill-them-too?
ROSE: Well... probably not. No. Unless, you know, it was like “I Spit on Your Grave” or something. But going around killing people doesn’t make you better than them. Just... more alive.
[The Dustbin stares at her.]
DUSTBIN: Riiiiiiiiiiiiiight. Go-on-then. Take-my-gun-stick.
ROSE: Is that slang?
DUSTBIN: Whilst-I-am-armed-I-will-kill. I-will-clean. I-will-tidy. It-is-my-nature.
ROSE: [cautious] And you would let me take your special person-killing egg whisk away?
ROSE: Oh no. I don’t like this S&M crap. What does “I shall let you try” mean?
DUSTBIN: I-might-kill-you. I-might-not. I-do-not-know. Well?
[Rose thinks for a moment.]
ROSE: That sounds really sus. I think I’ll pass.
DUSTBIN: [hurt] Fine-you-slag! I-don’t-fancy-you-anyway!
[The Dustbin takes aim and fires. Rose flinches as the blast passes her and blows a hole in the hatch right behind her. Rose double-then-triple-takes. She turns to look at the Dustbin with that cute expression of stunned disbelief that Billie Piper does oh so well.]
DUSTBIN: Next-time-we-meet-I-shall-kill-you. [beat] SCRAM!!
[Rose turns and sprints through the hole in the hatch.]
Scene 65 – Killing Zone
[This is identical to Outside the Dustbin Cell, but it’s not supposed to be. For a start, all the guards are alive and armed , all facing the not-the-Dustbin-Cell-at-all Rose has just run from. She skids to a halt, blinded by spotlights and realizing she is surrounded at all sides by armed bastards. We see the Commander and Lieutenant are actually two guards from before – rather ragged, smoke-stained and worse for wear.]
COMMANDER: Hold your fire! Hey, sweetheart, get out of there!
[She runs on through the room.]
LIEUTENANT: Honestly. We survive that nuking, manage against all odds to get out of the vaults, find Bywater’s dead and get offered instant promotion... and who do they put in charge? A stoner albino with zero combat experience and is a conscientious objector to playing Wolfenstein!
COMMANDER: Now, now, Chamber. They chose me alphabetically.
LIEUTENANT: Alphabetically?! “Chamber” is before “Woosing-Gard”!
COMMANDER: Ah, but...
LIEUTENANT: And, before you say anything, “Arco” is before “Rupert”!
COMMANDER: OK, I was lying. There’s no justice. Stop whining. This is going to be the greatest military triumph since Hannibal!
LIEUTENANT: Hannibal Lector was never in army, you twit...
[The Dustbin glides through the ruined hatch. It seems surprised to find itself the centre of so much attention – but maybe I’m just anthropomorphizing.]
COMMANDER: Open fire!
[All the guards open fire, the Dustbin being battered by gunfire on all sides – but the alien death machine is more interested in watching Rose’s bouncing bosom as she escapes from the room.]
COMMANDER: [trying to stay cheerful] Well, so far, so good...
[Suddenly the Dustbin flies upwards and fires at the electrical cables. There is an explosion and instantly powerful sprinklers come on, water pouring everywhere, pooling around the guard’s feet as they continue firing.]
LIEUTENANT: Why do I suddenly think we’re dead meat?
COMMANDER: Well... maybe because you’re not as stupid as you look.
LIEUTENANT: Thanks! [blinks] Hey!
Scene 65 – Office
[Gunther enters carrying a plasma TV screen which he and the Doctor start wiring to the computer. Sue-Ellen stands apart, sulking and generally being her usual bitchy self.]
DOCTOR: [grumbling] Save the planet. Defeat the Dustbins. Improve your security camera circuit... Honestly, do I have to do everything around her?
[The TV switches on to show the Dustbin floating in the rain as the soldiers fire at it.]
GUNTHER: Ah! We’ve caught it!
DOCTOR: Yes. That’s exactly what you haven’t done. Or does “caught it” mean “it’s completely bulletproof and we are now at its complete lack of mercy” round these parts?
Scene 67 – Killing Zone
[The Commander and Lieutenant run for it.]
COMMANDER: [over his shoulder] Oh yeah. Fall back!
[Too late! The Dustbin fires a single shot into the upper gantry, and blue arcs of current snake through water and electrocute the guards there. The jerk, contort, twist and die, as two all the men below. They drop lifelessly to the ground as the Dustbin floating in the sprinkler spray, then flies off. We pan to see the Commander and the Lieutenant lying sprawled on the ground, smoke pouring out of their shoes. They are alive but very dazed.]
COMMANDER: [weakly] Rubber soles... swear by em...
LIEUTENANT: Next time... I’m in charge!
[They both pass out.]
Scene 68 – Office
[Everyone is staring at the screen, looking appalled at the carnage. Apart from Sue-Ellen.]
SUE-ELLEN: See? Told you they wouldn’t need their Christmas Bonuses. Ah, I have such a remarkable mind.
DOCTOR: [cheerfully] Yes you do. Pity you’re complete out of it, though, eh? Now, just to recap. We are trapped and the Dustbin is on it’s way up here and will kill every living thing it finds. So, we’re screwed, pretty much. Aaron, me old mucker, anything else on offer in your alien collection?
ADAM: [shrugs] Bits, fragments. Unimpressive pieces of scorched metal.
DOCTOR: Nothing that could help?
ADAM: Unless you have a brilliant plan involving the use of rather unimpressive pieces of scorched metal?
DOCTOR: Oddly enough, no.
GUNTHER: We’re going to die.
ADAM: Yeah, thanks for that, Gunther. Big help.
DOCTOR: Oh, fan-tast-tic! You collect every bit of alien matter you can get your fat, lard-stained American digits on, but nothing remotely useful in case your sex slave alien prisoner gets the hump! If I didn’t know for a fact America and its entire culture is wiped out by a meteor strike in 2025, I’d get chronically depressed right about now...
SUE-ELLEN: ET Fairfax kept an armory. The most valuable part of his collection.
GUNTHER: I never knew...
SUE-ELLEN: Why should you?
GUNTHER: [nods] Good point.
DOCTOR: Why didn’t you mention this earlier? Was there a specific reason or it just your usual insanity?
SUE-ELLEN: Well, it won’t help you will it, Doctor? The Dustbin is invincible! I can see that now. That was why ET loved it so much...
DOCTOR: Yes. Of course. It must have radiated invulnerability while it sat in your basement for the last fifty long years doing absolute fuck all and allowing itself to be anally violated by curious old men, no wonder he found it so bloody attractive. Now where the hell is this armory?
[Sue-Ellen calmly enters a code on the keyboard; the map reveals a new hidden area.]
ADAM: We’ll never make it down there!
DOCTOR: Right beneath the Dustbin cell. You put all your weapons underneath the thing that is trying to kill us all. Rather than anywhere neat and accessible within reach. Do you people have brains or just some Dramatic Irony Generators installed directly in your skulls?
SUE-ELLEN: ET Fairfax had a private lift that took him right to the Dustbin, so he could visit it whenever he wanted.
DOCTOR: Oh, at last. Something sensible. We can head straight there and walk the rest of the way...
SUE-ELLEN: One problem: it’s DNA activated. Only he could use it.
DOCTOR: Or his son.
ADAM: [blinks] Oh yeah.
DOCTOR: So. Aaron. Are you really the leader here, or was that just teenage bravado?
ADAM: You’re giving me a choice.
[The Doctor grins a grin that could bluff Death with a pair of fours.]
Scene 69 – Exhibit Room
[A rather pooped Rose runs out of the stairwell and across the room.]
ROSE: Damn, this is getting OLD...
[Just as she is about reach the exit, a laser bolt shoots past her and strikes the door. It explodes and she stops right away. She sighs.]
ROSE: Three guesses.
DUSTBIN: [vo] You-did-not-run-fast-enough.
[She turns around, frightened and angry.]
ROSE: Ahem! You didn’t run at all! Now, are you going to keep fannying about or shoot me dead?
DUSTBIN: [uneasily] I-feel-your-annoyance.
ROSE: What did you expect?
DUSTBIN: You-gave-me-life. You-gave-me-orgasms. What-else-did-you-give-me?
[Suddenly, ET bursts his way through the shattered door beside the two of them. They both stare at him for a moment.]
ROSE: ...well, that’s random.