Serial 9X - Obituary
An Alternative Program Guide by Ewen Campion-Clarke
Entry in the EC Unauthorized Guide O' Oblique Origins
D O C T O R W H O
Serial 9X - Obituary -
On the generic quarry planet of Korn, Lucie waddles back to the TARDIS. There she is gobsmacked to find her old foe, Ace the Headhunter, at the control console slamming down switches and levers. Ace raises a baseball bat dangerously. "If you annoy me, I’ll kill you," she warns Lucie.
"SPEAKING counts as annoying me, Lucie Miller," Ace snaps and, ignoring Lucie’s protests starts to beat her up with the baseball bat as her Lucie screams and the sound of her voice echoes in the control room and then fades away...
This is because Ace is using a funky 51st Century Quantum Baseball Bat of Time - with which she can beat annoying hostages to a bloody pulp and then reverse the polarity of the Uncertainty Principle flow to "un-beat" them back to life again. "It really takes the edge off things," she explains to the gaseous Smelly Ed as he floats into the TARDIS.
Lucie recovers instantly (what with her fatal injuries not having actually happened... or something) and demands to know what the bloody hell is going on and demands to be taken home to Cardiff!
Ace reveals she’s on the Sisterhood of Korn mailing list and found out all what happened from the previous season finale from "Ohica874EVAH" - "Such lovely girls. Bit mystically-addled and an over-reliance on vibrating unicorns, but it turns out when the Doctor fell into the canyon, the Sisters teleported out of the abyss and somewhere much worse - TweenSpace!"
"Sounds like FaceBook for the under 20s," dismisses Lucie.
"You remember Tortellini and his universe in a diamond?" Ace says, kicking Lucie in the head. "Now it’s out of the diamond and that’s where the Doctor is! So we’ve got to find him?"
"Why?" Lucie shrugs. "Who cares about the tosser? He couldn’t defeat bloody Moby and the Goodies - let him rot!"
Ace sighs. "You got any idea how rare TARDISes are nowadays, Lucie Miller? That means the value of one on the open market has gone sky high! I’ve already sold it on eBay, but I need the owner for a deed of transfer and only the Doctor can do it!"
"Yeah!" Lucie snorts. "Like he’ll just do that!"
"He will," Ace grins, "if it’s the only to persuade me to beat you to death with a quantum-lined baseball bat to your thick skull! I can’t think of any better incentive for him to cooperate..."
"YOU WOULDN’T!" she spits. "What am I saying? Of course you would."
In panic, Lucie dives onto the console and manages to hit half the controls with her distended gut alone - and the TARDIS leaves Korn and shakes violently. Before Ace can stop her, Lucie has switched the TARDIS to "slingshot mode" and everyone is thrown to the walls from the extreme G-force! But things get even worse as Lucie starts projectile-vomiting everywhere...
Parte the First
Far away in a on a red planet orbited by three suns and inhabited by cute and athletic fish people, the Doctor is occupying his time at his combined playboy mansion and observatory... building abstract sculpture. After all, when you’ve only got three stars in your catalogue, astronomy’s never going to be very fascinating, is it?
Yes, the Doctor’s managed to definitely land on his feet when he was teleported here - thanks to his incredibly long life-span, the Doctor has outlived all the native aristocrats and has by default become the local lord of the village. The Doctor has embraced his civic duties... by spending his time hanging around his bachelor pad getting laid with the hottest of the sweet village girls, Destrii Anatos.
By this tranquility is broken when the Doctor’s whacky neighbor, a blind prophet called Sor, has started up an archaeological dig across the road and the noise is incredibly annoying for the hungover Time Lord as he tries to make out with Destrii, build some modern art and groove to Barry White simultaneously.
Putting on his silk question mark dressing gown, the Doctor strides out onto the balcony patio and shouts for these Time-Team-wannabes to pack up and sod off. "It’s not even two in the afternoon!" the Doctor complains. "What’s the damn rush!"
The blind prophet Sor announces that he and his seaweed-wearing groupies of the apocalypse are preparing for the end of all things – Sor himself has foretold a darkness of total destruction is coming. "Yes, you read that on your metal blocks, did you? The blind nutter says he read something he can’t see! How convincing! How exactly do you get darkness on a planet of light anyway? Huh? Answer me that?"
Sor hastily changes the subject and tries to get Destrii to join his doomsday cargo cult. She tells him to get bent.
"Fair enough," Sor sighs, as the dig reveals two skeletons buried in the hillside beneath the Doctor’s mansion. The Time Lord clears his throat and insists there could be any number of reasons for bodies being buried on his property.
But Sor is not interested in the deaths resulting from the Doctor’s last wine-and-cheese-and-orgiastic-sex-party-gone-horribly-horribly-wrong – he thinks that this find PROVES the people of this world cannot live in darkness. The Doctor notes that it only really proves being buried alive can seriously damage your health and that Sor’s groupies would be better off going home and being artistic than worrying about the oncoming apocalypse.
Sor and his pals do just that... by getting all their new members to have their eyes pecked out by falcons. These mutilated, blind trauma-victims will be the leaders of the New World Order. "The blind shall lead the sighted!" Sor booms as he ties a rope blindfold... around a tree by accident. Well, he IS sight-impaired.
"I can see right through your messy opthalectomies, Sor!" the Doctor jeers and goes off to prove the cult absolutely wrong. Alas, it appears he’s actually going to have to do some work to do! The Doctor muses that bullies never like to be beaten... which is why he is out to defeat Sor in anyway possible!
At that moment, the TARDIS finally materializes – and thanks to Lucie’s brain-damaged navigation, they’ve managed to arrive at the wrong point in space and the wrong point in time. This is discovered when Lucie strides confidently out the doors and realizes, too late, that they have landed in mid-air above a huge ocean over 50 miles away from the shore.
Lucie plunges into the great expanse of water as Ace and Smelly Ed point and laugh respectively as the annoying cow thrashes about in the current. Alas, the increased saline content of the water stops Lucie drowning immediately, and the current sweeps her away in the middle of hurling abuse at the others.
"Get me out of here! Oh god, I must look a scruffy state! I must even look worse than that great ponce the Doctor! I CAN’T SWIM! You sick fuckers! I’m so gonna have you for this..."
"How charmingly urbane," Ace muses, and attempts to spit at Lucie before retreating inside the TARDIS and closes the door. With the amoral Smelly Ed at her side, they prepare the next phase of the Headhunter’s cunning plan...
While the Doctor struggles to get a stringed-seashell instrument working, Destrii points out that there HAVE been some slight climate changes on their world of late. This is instantly proved by a cutaway scene where two beekeepers wonder why their bees are acting strangely.
The Doctor laughs out loud at the suggestion that the entire composition of the planet’s troposphere is changing... which is worrying as no one actually mentioned it. Hastily he changes the subject and tries to get the drive belt of his instrument working without using a pair of 21st century panties.
Accepting defeat, the Doctor gets bored and throws the instrument into the heated pool of his observatory and goes back to making out with Destrii on the grounds that all time is an illusion and tomorrow’s problems are already last week’s news. Sly dog.
Finally the Time Lord can bonk no more and slumps unconscious. Destrii goes for a dip in the pool and is surprised to find the bloated, unconscious water-retraining body of Lucie floating in the shallow end. It appears that some massive narratorial convenience has somehow swept Lucie from the depths of the ocean to a small heated indoor pool – and it’s clearly so utterly amazing Lucie is mumbling that it’s Sunday and she gets "five more minutes with the unicorn".
Destrii cautiously prods Lucie with a pointed stick, mainly to see if she’ll go pop. But she doesn’t, and Destrii decides to rip the underwear off the semi-conscious Lucie and run off. The now-naked Lucie is left in the pool mumbling about an unfortunate incident in 1992 involving a large amount of KY jelly and a children’s party.
"Trust me," she rambles, "you don’t want to know."
And I totally believe her.
Destrii shakes the Doctor awake and waves Lucie’s panties in his face, which unsurprisingly rouses him from his slumber instantly. They immediately set to work replacing the snapped drive belt on his weird seashell thingamajig, the Doctor bitching to Destrii that his Classic Series sonic screwdriver has finally packed up. "I’ll have to get a brand new version, possibly in a coral finish with a UV blue light bulb attachment..."
Just then the wet, naked, furious and monstrously gravid Lucie staggers out of the pool demanding to know why the hell a nympho fish-girl assualted her and stole her knickers. The Doctor meanwhile feels a crushing despair fall over him. After six hundred years, he was finally starting to feel confident he’d never see Lucie Miller ever again!
"I hoped you’d have died of old age by now, if nothing else!" the Doctor weeps as Lucie continues to berate Destrii for stealing her pants. "For days I was terrified you’d waddle around a corner and start going on about Blackpool... Days? Weeks! I’ve dreaded this moment like a black worm chewing at my guts! Oh, this truly IS the end of absolutely everything..."
"Sorry, mate, do I know you?" sneers Lucie, confused.
The truth slowly dawns on the Doctor – Lucie Miller has completely forgotten who he is...
Parte the Second
The Doctor is staggered at the arrogance – his long term memory isn’t what it was and, admittedly, the last 300 years or so have
been a bit of a blur but Lucie has seemingly let him slip her mind entirely in the twenty minutes or so since they last spoke in Moby’s decadent palace on Korn.
"Where’s my pigging mascara and me rah-rah skirt?! Me big jewelry and me jacket rolled up at the sleeves?!" demands Lucie, ignoring the Doctor entirely.
"Oh shut the hell up you stupid Cockney," Destrii says, backhanding Lucie into the pool. Of course, being fish people, they have a different code of ethics around expectant mothers what with them laying eggs and such. Plus Lucie was REALLY being annoying.
Delighted when Lucie moans being slapped in the face really hurt, the Doctor goes back to work on his sea shell gizmo of dubious authenticity technobabble-wise. After about twenty second, the Doctor gets it working and it tells him something he could have worked out in a second had he bothered to look out the window...
"One of the suns has set and I don’t think it will be returning," the Doctor announces. "It’s a good thing poor old Isaac isn’t here to see it, it’s really quite unimpressive to look at..."
The Doctor and Destrii head off to speak to the villagers, leaving Lucie in the pool screaming that they’re all disgusting fish-shagging perverts who deserve to die.
Ace and Smelly Ed, at that moment, have managed to reclaim something from the bottom of the sea bed and now materialize the TARDIS at the commune and temporary headquarters of the Doom of Darkness cult to speak with Sor, only to learn from one of his eye-gouged secretaries that he’s gone on a recruitment drive.
"Now one of the suns has set the people will finally see the light... well, you know what I mean," the secretary explains awkwardly.
The time has come for action and the Doctor calls a meeting with the local villagers. He is rather annoyed to discover Sor has beaten him to it and is telling everyone that it will take faith to survive the new world of darkness when nightfall comes.
The Doctor breaks up the meeting and announces he has good news and bad news for his adoptive people:
The BAD news is that all three suns will set and things will get ugly, but the GOOD news is the Doctor built a labyrinth under the mountain during a bizarre DIY phase 75 years ago they can use as a shelter to wait out the all-consuming darkness.
The fish-people, being rather reasonable, ask exactly HOW long they will have to wait for the suns to return but the Doctor shrugs, promises everyone that this is a piddling detail of no consequence and then changes the subject.
Sor notes this is pretty much exactly what he was saying, but the Doctor notes that no one can take seriously a religious historian without any kind of personal trainer, so the Time Lord is obviously in the right. "Get it? Got it? Good!"
The Doctor reveals that unlike Sor’s peck-people’s-eyballs-out-with-tame-falcons approach, he has a cunning plan of mutilation-free brilliance: a generator that makes crystals glow like light bulbs. "Rube Goldberg would be proud!" the Doctor announces.
Since none of the fish-people can be arsed doing manual labor, instead of moving a handle up and down themselves, they attach flying kites to handle to pull it up and down to drive the device. This plan seems to have absolutely no drawbacks...
...until Sor’s seaweed-headed groupies cut the cords on the kites.
The lights in the shelter go out and all the fish-people within start to freak out from claustrophobia, so they rush back up to the surface to find the Doom of Darkness cultists standing around next to the fallen kites, looking simultaneously ridiculous and as guilty as sin.
"Hmmm. Okay," the Doctor says placatingly to the crowd, "let’s be honest here, the kite thing WAS pretty lame..."
"The beginning is near!" Sor rants from his wicker cage. "My moment of vindication approaches!"
"So, Sor," the Doctor says conversationally, "did you foresee cutting our kites in your metal play blocks?"
"And did you foresee THIS?!" the Doctor demands, grabbing Sor by his rope necklace, spins him around so he loses any sense of direction and falls off the cliff. "HAH! I think NOT!"
"Oooh, that’s got to hurt," Ace observes from the shadows. It seems her mission here to trigger the apocalyptic darkness was actually a big waste of time since her employer Sor has neither lived to enjoy his apotheosis or even to pay her for services rendered. All their cunning master plans have ultimately come to naught.
"Shit," Smelly Ed sighs.
By now, the third sun is setting and the world is plunged into surprisingly-well-lit darkness. Some fish people flee into the labyrinth, some hang around playing with crystals and watching the sunset, but most immediately descend into mindless anarchy as the darkness instantly drives them mad!
Fires burn; thunderstorms gather overhead; women are raped; stormy winds increase; church bells ring; two Sumo wrestlers square off (not sure where they’re going with that one...); and the people of the planet destroy themselves to suitably apocalyptic Murray Gold scores. After wandering aimlessly through this chaotic montage, the Doctor decides the best thing to do is get the hell out of here.
Using his mighty Time Lord mind powers, the Doctor realizes that if Lucie is in this universe, she must have come by TARDIS and he can use that to escape this stunted macrocosm which is rapidly turning into an Isaac Asimov short story like there’s no tomorrow. Which, when you think about it, there isn’t.
Retreating to his house, the Doctor finds Lucie lounging around in the pool, having trashed the entire house and eaten all the food because... well, it’s Lucie’s modus operandi, really. In a desperate attempt to reinvigorate Lucie’s dormant neurons and get her to remember where the TARDIS is, he kicks her repeatedly in the head.
"I remember!" says the concussed Lucie woozily through her nosebleed. "Moby! Dustbins! Cybermen! Autons! Goodies! That time I had sex with that zombie on top of a building... wow, you need condoms for the undead! Fancy that!"
"And do you remember me?" the Doctor asks hopefully.
"Nope! Are you my gynecologist?"
"...well, that’s a TYPE of doctor," our hero shrugs. "Getting closer," he has, and begins kicking her in the head again.
Just then, Ace and Smelly Ed enter. Typically, Lucie can remember exactly who THEY are with no difficulty at all. "Honestly, Professor," Ace mocks. "Six hundred years and you still run out of time!"
Ace proceeds to beat Lucie’s skull in with her quantum baseball bat. "Nifty this, huh? I can speed up the damage, slow it down, rewind and replay all the damage you could ask for. It’s great fun, huh?"
"Can I have a go?" asks the Doctor easily.
"Sure, but in return I’d like you to switch this off," Ace says, handing over the lump of coral she and Smelly Ed retrieved from the bottom of the ocean. "Six hundred years and it’s still working. Say what you like about Moby, he built his props to last!"
"Of course! The Handjob of Moby!" the Doctor identifies. "The remote stellar manipulator – good thing I held on to it, otherwise those Sisterhood bitches would never have rescued me and teleported us here in the first place. Probably shouldn’t have let it sink..."
But the Doctor has a strange suspicion that a remote stellar manipulator may, somehow, someway, have SOME faint connection to the mysterious and inexplicable disappearance of the three suns in the sky and decides to try and fiddle with it to bring the suns back.
Lucie complains that she is really dying from the slow-time beating, but no one cares about her, her zombie-spawn or who will clean out the pool of all the blood and bone. In desperation, Ace threatens to un-batter-Lucie-to-death to blackmail the Doctor into handing over the Handjob of Moby.
The Doctor insists that this planet is his home now and he considers the Fish People to be his kith and kin, so he refuses to desert them – well, not as long as there’s the chance he can dues ex machina a happy ending out of thin air and get all his groupies back!
Supremely confident he’s onto a winner, the Doctor reverses the polarity of the stellar manipulator’s neutron flow... and absolutely sod all at all happens. Lucie doesn’t even go into labor or anything remotely interesting or epic, either.
"Wow," the Doctor muses. "Talk about an anticlimax."
With all three suns switched off, the planet will soon be a frozen lump of ice and the Doctor, Ace and Smelly Ed agree the time has come for them to escape in the TARDIS. Things are so serious that Lucie twigs to the danger and gets out of the pool before it freezes around her. More’s the pity.
As they head for the doorway they find it barred by a familiar nubile fish girl. "This has to be!" says Destrii, who – get this! – is also a couple of tortilla short of a picnic with the fall of night. "We are in a dream and if we wake, we shall die!"
"Uh-huh," says the Doctor, backing away slowly. "That’s nice..."
Destrii then cheerfully shows the Doctor a magic glowing crystal she’s found. It turns out these things are all over the planet and are as bright as flashlights, but no one ever noticed before, what with there being no darkness.
"This’d quite probably count as a happy ending if the surface of the planet wasn’t about to turn into a giant ice cube," Ace protests and she, Lucie and Smelly Ed flee as the Doctor tries to dump Destrii without making her go psycho – and he comes up with the brilliant plan of giving her his knackered sonic screwdriver as a sex toy while he gets a brand new 2005 version from BBC Character Options.
More fish people with magic glow crystals assemble at the Doctor’s pad and stare up at the stars now visible in the sky. The Doctor considers telling those assembled they’d see a lot more without the glare from their torches, but decides he can’t be bothered.
"It is possible that nothing important has yet been said or even understood!" murmurs Destrii as she stares up at the sky.
Taking this a very personal insult, the Doctor stomps his foot and runs away, leaving the entire planet to be destroyed. He joins the others in the TARDIS and take off just as icicles start to form on all the star-gazing fish people, slowly freeze-drying them.
As the end approaches they begin to sing "Rock Lobster"...
Inside the TARDIS for the first time in two thirds of a millennium, the Doctor yells at Ace for not leaving Lucie behind to die horribly. "Sometimes people don’t want to be saved! And sometimes they definitely don’t deserve to be! Sometimes it’s time for Lucie to die and you should respect that!"
"Ere, is he disrespecting me?" Lucie complains to Smelly Ed.
"Oh shut up," the Gelth complains. "AND PUT SOME CLOTHES ON!!"
The Doctor runs back to the console and starts twisting dials, punches buttons and slams down levers in an attempt to return to that planet we never actually caught the name of, but the three ex-suns have turned into a whacking great black hole that has not only consumed the planet but turned the entire universe into a cosmic donut!
The Time Lord kicks the console. "That planet sucked anyway," he complains. "Six hundred years... I might as well have stayed in an Arizona art colony! I would have got more variety if nothing else!"
"Well, anyway, I rescued you, didn’t I, Professor?" Ace shrugs. "Plus, I managed to give you a nice 600-year vacation living in a commune, and now you’re officially dead the Time Lords won’t be after you to get you to fight the Dustbins, will they?"
"I suppose so," the Doctor sighs. "And what do YOU get out of it?"
"I thought you wanted the Doctor so you could sell the TARDIS?" complains Lucie who has mercifully squeezed into fur coat as she takes up a whole corner of the circular control room.
"Oh, that was just bollocks to keep you on board," Ace shrugs. "Actually, I wanted the Handjob of Moby. This will go EPIC on eBay. Cheers, Professor!" she calls and teleports away, waving the coral-lump as she fades from view.
"Lying bitch," Lucie growls, trying to tie her coat closed. "So, what now, you dozy pillock? Or are you still whining on about that load of frozen seafood you were too thick to save? Honestly, the universe doesn’t just stop because you’ve opted to play happy families with a bunch of jellied eels for six hundred years! Someone’s got to do the saving-the-whole-of-creation stuff, and it sure as hell ain’t gonna be me, you lazy sod!"
"No, it’s different now," the Doctor murmurs. "*I* am different now!"
"Hey, YOUR problem, mate, not mine!"
Gripped with a quite-justifiable fury, the Doctor sets the TARDIS to find the most dangerous, polluted, suicidal gibbering-monkey-filled hellhole in the known universe: Earth in the mid 1980s. The second the time machine lands, he kicks Lucie out the police box doors to see if she can survive in such barbarous times while heavily pregnant and wearing only a fur coat stolen from an Eastenders prostitute – not that the Doctor or Smelly Ed care if she does or not.
"See you in hell, Lizzie! Or Lilly or whatever your name is!" shouts the Doctor as he activates the ancient engines.
"Hey!" Lucie screams at the TARDIS as it takes off. "I’ll remember your face, mate! I’ve got a great memory! Next time I see you, you’re DEAD, whoever the hell you are..."
As the Doctor and Smelly Ed hurtle off into time and space, Ace the Headhunter meets up with Karen Nicegirl in Ace’s tastefully-wallpapered TARDIS. With the Handjob of Moby in their grasp, they are finally able to begin one massive life-changing spatio-temporal con job that can only, truly, be revealed in an epic season finale.
Meantime, the Temporal Difference of Opinion between the Dustbins and the Time Lords is well-and-truly kicking off as the Time Lords take heavy losses in the battles on the Outer Rim. In desperation, the Time Lords use their mighty powers to bring the Bastard back from the dead, reincarnating him in a brand new body shaped uncannily like Simon Pegg. In return for this great gift, they wish him to win the battle of Petraxis against the Dustbin stronghold.
Unfortunately, the Bastard takes one look at the Dustbin army, shouts "FUCK THIS!" at the top of his voice, steals a TARDIS and flees to the outskirts of the known universe, leaving the Andromedans to fend for themselves and the Time Lords looking really rather stupid and pathetic. Again.
Ah, everything’s back to normal.
"There are ten billion people in the world. And I’m Lucie bleedin Miller, so I’m more important than ANY of them, orright?!"
"We have to save the planet before it’s too late, right? I mean, if we don’t, like, change our act, we’re heading for oblivion. Yeah!"
"Oh, shut up, you stupid hippy!"
"Hello, I’m Dr John Smith and this Jim Morrison. We’re here to take a two-tonne crap on your front drive."
"KILL ME! I CAN’T STAND ANY MORE VEGETARIAN FOOD!"
"What matters is ME! Followed by saving the planet. But mainly ME!"
"Don’t be such a negative-reality-vibe-merchant, man!"
"Me being treated like a demigod, that’s something I’m prepared to die for. Well, something I’m prepared to KILL for, anyroads."
"Tell me about the lentils!"
"Some filthy little commune of urban decay. The wallpaper’s awful."
"I’m not a mentalist, I’m an Evironmentalist! Hahah!"
"I do so love smoking other people’s stash."
"Now, Doc, how exactly do you, right, sow the seed, huh?"
"I’m looking for the Ladies’. Hello?!"
...Neil’s Lentil House of Total Nourishment...