10th Doctor - Army of Ghosts (iii)

ACT TWO – TOUCHWOOD RISES, TOUCHWOOD FALLS

As the Dustbins advance to kill Rose, Ricky, Arthur and Rajesh the young time traveler confuses them by showing that she, a mere human, is aware of the Dustbins and the Temporal Difference of Opinion. She does this by jumping up and down screaming, "DUSTBINS! YOU’RE CALLED DUSTBINS! I KNOW YOUR NAME, YOU’RE DUSTBINS! THINK ABOUT IT! HOW CAN I KNOW THAT? I KNOW ABOUT THE DUSTBINS AND THE TEMPORAL DIFFERENCE OF OPINION! PLEASE DON’T KILL ME! PLEASE! PLEASE!"

The Dustbins stare at her.

"Uh. Yeah," says Ricky, "Dustbins. Temporal Difference of Opinion. Me too. And him."

The blue Dustbin looks at the humans. "WHATEVER. WE NEEDED YOU GUYS ALIVE, ANYWAY. AND THAT CRAP GUN YOU’RE HOLDING COULDN’T SCRATCH US ANYWAY. WE GOT BETTER THINGS TO WORRY ABOUT."

"YEAH," the red Dustbin complains. "LIKE THE FACT THE NULL-SPHERE JUST VANISHED AND WE’RE FREAKING STUCK HERE!"

"IT WAS A ONE-USE THING, MAN," the blue Dustbin replies.

"OH YEAH, AND WHOSE BRILLIANT IDEA WAS THAT?"

"THE CONSERVATION OF ENERGY, ISN’T IT?" the orange Dustbin suggests.

"SHUT UP, MIKE!"

"UH... GUYS," the purple Dustbin says. "SENSORS DETECT PLANETARY INVASION! OF NON-DUSTBIN ORIGIN! SOME JERKS HAVE BEATEN US TO IT!"

"BOGUS," agrees the orange Dustbin.

"That’ll be the Cybermen," says Ricky, trying to be helpful.

"What?" Rose scoffs. "The WHOLE planet? But what about the Doctor? What about my mum? What about Derek Acorah?"

"DID SHE JUST SAY 'THE DOCTOR'?" the red Dustbin asks suspiciously.

"AH, PROBABLY JUST A COINCIDENCE, RAPH," the blue Dustbin replies. "DON’T GET SO PARANOID, BRO. WE GOT WORK TO DO. MIKE, WHAT’S THE STATUS OF THE GENESIS ARK?"

The orange Dustbin checks over their prize. "UH... BODACIOUS, LEO. TRULY BODACIOUS."

"IS IT STILL IN HIBERNATION?"

"PRETTY MUCH."

"THEN COMMENCE AWAKENING, DUDE!"

"GOTCHA," Dustbin Mike turns and claims its dustpan to the side of the Ark. "WAKEY-WAKEY, RISE AND SHINE!"

"SERIOUSLY," the purple Dustbin Don interrupts. "THE GENESIS ARK MUST BE PROTECTED ABOVE ALL ELSE, OK?"

"DUDE, I KNOW! I CAME UP WITH THE PLAN, REMEMBER?" Dustbin Mike retorts. "WELL, THE REALLY CLEVER BITS ANYWAY..."

Rose takes this opportunity to remind the audience that all the Dustbins were supposedly obliterated in last year’s season finale so the truly observant will have noticed a slight discrepancy in their return appearance. She then turns to directly to camera and flags up the big question to replace "What the hell is inside the Null-Sphere?":

"What the hell is a Genesis Ark?"


Parte the Third

This apocalyptic episode begins with the human race acting like a bunch of cheese-eating surrender monkeys as the Touchwood Tower PA system blares out across Cardiff: "This is Touchwood Two. All personnel will down weapons. I repeat, down weapons. And so should all the general public. The Touchwood Institute surrenders on behalf of the people of Cardiff whether they like it or not. Have a nice day."

In Yvonne’s office, Captain Jack downs another bottle of rum before he spews venom... and vomit... all over the place. "Y’see, THIS is what happens when all the staff spend 95% of the working day clapping! They’re all high on the fumes, applauding the smallest thing! Someone drops one in the lift? Round of applause. Suggestive email joke about a frumpy female colleague? Round of applause. Someone engages in instant messaging sex games? Round of applause. Which was kind of nice, I admit. But the point is, the clap... IS EVERYWHERE. You wouldn’t get unprofessionalism like this, if I was in charge!" he challenges, before collapsing from lethal alcohol poisoning.

Meanwhile the Doctor admits he has no idea what has happened to Rose and tells Jackie to stop demanding to know what is happening in the Sphere Room because he doesn’t – bloody – know!

"The ~ breach ~ has ~ been ~ closed," announces Cyber-Harriet as the light dims to less-blinding levels and allows the audience to finally see what’s going on. "The ~ upgrading ~ process ~ will ~ now ~ begin. You ~ will ~ talk ~ to ~ your ~ central ~ world ~ authority ~ and ~ order ~ global ~ surrender."

"Oh, don’t you people use wikipedia?!" Yvonne sneers as she idly looks at porn on her laptop. "Do some research. We haven’t GOT a central world authority. Noob."

"You ~ have ~ now ~ bitch," Cyber-Harriet retorts. "I ~ will ~ speak ~ on ~ all ~ global ~ wavelengths."

"Well, I could get you a couple of minutes on Cardiff public access cable," Yvonne suggests. "That good for you?"

"But ~ I ~ wanted ~ to ~ talk ~ to ~ all ~ mankind! Not ~ just ~ fucking ~ Cardiff! Who ~ watches ~ public ~ access ~ cable ~ anyway?"

"Look, it’s the best you’re getting."

"Fine. Fine. We ~ will ~ just ~ have ~ to ~ take ~ it ~ in ~ stages..." Cyber-Harriet sighs and uses her in-built iPod to play 'Land of Hope and Glory' as she addresses a webcam on the desk. "This ~ broadcast ~ is ~ for ~ human ~ kind! Cybermen ~ now ~ occupy ~ every ~ land ~ mass ~ on ~ this ~ planet. But ~ you ~ need ~ not ~ fear. Cybermen ~ will ~ remove ~ fear. Cybermen ~ will ~ remove ~ sex ~ and ~ class ~ and ~ colour ~ and ~ creed. You ~ will ~ become ~ identical. You ~ will ~ become ~ like ~ us. Communism ~ rocks."

This speech is made to the whole of Cardiff, but even though Cybermen are standing over families in their homes, few have turned on the television to that particular channel and thus the Cyber manifest destiny to upgrade the Earth and remove all differences from the population is completely missed. Indeed, the only people that DO actually see it assume this is another Orson Welles War of the Worlds gag and write blog entries about the lack of originality throughout European science fiction.

Cyber-Harriet ends the speech with a confident appeal for calm, certain that she was a woman of the people and knows how to talk to them in their own language. Within seconds huge explosions rock Cardiff as Welshmen run screaming for their lives and the military open fire on the Cybermen with patently useless machine guns. The marching Cybermen are typically blasé about this and fire their sonic blasters, killing soldiers and blowing up trucks and destroying bridges. All of this is accompanied by "Spitfire" by the Prodigy.

The Doctor, Jackie, Yvonne and Cyber-Harriet observe the proceedings far below from the top of Touchwood Tower as Cardiff plunges into full-scale war. "For ~ fuck’s ~ sake!" Cyber-Harriet bitches. "Are ~ these ~ idiots ~ subnormal? I ~ ordered ~ SURRENDER!"

"They’re not taking instructions," the Doctor sneers. "Don’t you understand? You’re in Cardiff, and they’re the WELSH, a race of people who have an attitude problem instead of an accent! Of course they’re gonna fight!"

In the Sphere Room, the Dustbins demand to know the least important of
the three humans before them. Rose patiently explains that humanity don’t work along such lines outside of reality television, and finally Dustbin Leo decides, "FINE! WE’LL USE THE ONE THAT OBVIOUSLY ISN’T A TIME TRAVELER THEN!"

Rajesh is disturbingly pleased by this and instantly falls to his knees before the alien cyborg, offering himself unconditionally. "Yes, yes, YES! Use me, abuse me, batter and bruise me I AM YOUR SLAVE! I represent the Torchwood Institute. Anything you need, you... come through me!!"

"THIS IS PRETTY KINKY, DUDES," Dustbin Mike points out.

"YEAH, I MEAN, WE ONLY WANTED SOME INFO ABOUT CURRENT EARTH HISTORY," Dustbin Don agrees. "NO NEED FOR A BONDAGE SESSION OR ANYTHING."

"Yeah well," says Rajesh, already removing his clothing, "I can give you a certain amount of intelligence but nothing that will compromise Home Land security – you’ll have to flog it out of me!"

"YOU’RE SICK!" Dustbin Raph sneers. "AND WHAT YOU’RE SUGGESTING IS SICK! I DON’T WANNA TALK TO YOU NO MORE YOU EMPTY-HEADED ANIMAL!"

"HANG ON," Dustbin Leo points out. "SPEECH IS NOT NECESSARY, WE CAN EXTRACT BRAINWAVES WITHOUT ANY FLOGGING OR PUNISHING!"

"Where’s the fun in that?" Rajesh wails. "No! No I want to be flogged!"

"THIS IS CREEPING ME OUT, LET’S JUST CRUSH HIS HEAD," Dustbin Mike suggests and the other Dustbins agree. Rajesh manages to sob in ecstasy as Raph, Leo and Don crush his skull between their mops, turning his body into a desiccated coconut in a comical afro wig.

"What a freak," Ricky muses.

The Dustbins suddenly release Rajesh’s blackened corpse and retreat in disgust. "HIS MIND SPOKE OF PORNOGRAPHY! NOTHING BUT PORNOGRAPHY! WHAT SORT OF FREAKISH DEVIANT IS HE?" screams Dustbin Don hysterically.

"I CAN’T BELIEVE WHAT WANTED TO DO WITH THAT TWELVE-YEAR-OLD GIRL AND THAT DONKEY!" sobs Dustbin Raph. "THAT HAS TO BE THE LEAST USEFUL BRAINWAVE EXTRACTION I’VE EVER DONE! I FEEL DIRTY!"

"WAIT!" Dustbin Leo announces. "THERE IS A VAGUE MENTION OF SOME SECOND SPECIES INVADING EARTH... INFECTED BY THE SUPERSTITION OF GHOSTS! HOW DUMB ARE THESE BIPEDS ANYWAY? DON, SEE WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!"

"YOU GOT IT, LEO," the purple Dustbin and glides out.

Up above, the Cybermen finally notice all the alarms screaming "Sphere Activated! The End is Nigh!" and hastily pretend that they detected alien machinery activated ages ago, and just never actually mentioned it. Cyber-Harriet Jones sends two Cybermen to investigate – units 10/65 and 10/66, who were once known as Michael Fish and Paddy Ashdown.

They immediately march around a corner and bump into Dustbin Don as he comes the other way. Both sides initially assume what they are seeing is some kind of hallucination brought on by LSD in the water supply and radio their pals to confirm what is really happening.

Dustbin Leo announces, "OUTLINE RESEMBLES THE INFERIOR SPECIES KNOWN AS CYBERMEN. I DUNNO WHAT THAT STUPID C-LOGO IS ALL ABOUT, THOUGH, DO YOU?"

When Yvonne’s wide screen plasma TV shows the golden trashcans, the Doctor falls over and curls into a ball mumbling something about not letting someone put knitting needles in his ears, over and over again. With her usual perspicacity, Jackie thus concludes that the Dustbins are bad news.

Finally, Cyber-Michael-Fish breaks the ice: "Our ~ species ~ our ~ similar ~ though ~ your ~ design ~ is ~ inelegant."

"ELEGANCE IS FOR LOSERS!" Dustbin Don retorts.

"Yeah. Whatever. But ~ consider this. Our ~ technologies ~ are ~ compatible. Our ~ forms ~ are ~ different ~ but ~ our ~ goals ~ are ~ the ~ same. It ~ would ~ be ~ illogical ~ to ~ waste ~ resources. Plus ~ you ~ are ~ kind ~ of ~ cute."

"ARE YOU ASKING US OUT ON A DATE?" asks Dustbin Don in disbelief.

"This ~ is ~ correct."

"REQUEST DENIED! WE ARE NOT IN THE MOOD!"

The Cybermen immediately thrust their fists out, ready to ctrl-alt-del hostile elements and open fire. However, the crude little 21st Century robot pop guns DON’T instantly destroy amazing, deadly alien technology from thousands of years in the future with power that sets them up amongst the Gods. Go figure.

"HOW RUDE!" Dustbin Don complains. "EXTERMINATE!"

As Don blasts the Cybermen to the floor and then tidies away the bodies, Cyber-Harriet remembers she can video conference with the Sphere Room and instantly decides to give the alien death machines a darn good stiff talking to.

"Dustbins. You ~ realize ~ of ~ course ~ that ~ this ~ means ~ WAR!"

"THIS ISN’T WAR," Dustbin Leo snaps. "THIS IS PEST CONTROL, YOU SILVER SONS OF BITCHES."

"Look ~ you ~ stupid ~ bastard ~ there ~ are ~ five ~ million ~ of ~ us ~ Cybermen! How ~ many ~ have ~ YOU ~ got? Huh?"

"FOUR. AND THAT’S THREE MORE THAN WE’D NEED TO NUKE YOUR PUNY CYBUS ASSES FROM HERE TO MILLIWAYS. YOU ARE SUPERIOR TO US IN ONLY ONE RESPECT: YOUR ROYALTIES ARE CHEAPER FOR THE BBC! FUCK OFF!"

Dustbin Raph glides forward. "I SWEAR, HONEST TO GOD THAT GUY IN THE PINSTRIPE SUIT AND THE STUPID HAIR WAS A TIME LORD."

"YOU NEED A VACATION, DUDE, YOU THINK EVERYONE WE SEE IS A FREAKING TIME LORD," Dustbin Mike suggests.

"LOOK," Dustbin Raph snaps. "WE ARE IN AN ORGANIZATION THAT WAS CREATED BECAUSE OF THE DOCTOR. ON THE PLANET THE DOCTOR VISITS ALL THE TIME, IN THE ONE CENTURY AND ONE LAND MASS WE CAN GUARANTEE HE WILL VISIT. DURING AN ALIEN INVASION BY CYBERMEN WHO THE DOCTOR ALWAYS DEFEATS. IS IT REALLY, *REALLY* UNLIKELY HE’D BE HERE?!"

"LIKE THE DOCTOR OF ALL PEOPLE COULD SURVIVE A TEMPORAL DIFFERENCE OF OPINION," Dustbin Mike snorts. "YOU KNOW," it adds after a pause, "MAYBE RAPH’S ONTO SOMETHING AFTER ALL..."

"DOESN’T NECESSARILY MEAN IT’S THE DOCTOR," Dustbin Leo says calmly. "IT COULD BE SOME TOTAL LOSER LIKE SHAZAR. OR THE WINE-PEDDLING MONK. OR THE MAGICIAN. IT’S NOT AUTOMATICALLY GOING TO BE THE BRINGER OF DARKNESS, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS AND THE ONCOMING STORM, IS IT?!"

"BET IT IS," Raph mutters.

"SHUT UP!"

In the office, Cyber-Harriet is as downright annoyed as her emotional override will allow. "Fucking ~ trashcan ~ assholes. They ~ think ~ they ~ can ~ take ~ on ~ five ~ million ~ of ~ us? Well ~ let’s ~ see ~ them ~ do ~ five ~ million ~ PLUS! Begin ~ emergency ~ upgrading ~ with ~ these ~ personnel!"

++Uh-you-sure-about-this?++ asks the Cyber Deputy. ++The-emergency-upgrades-do-rather-tend-to-go-completely-insane-regain-their-personalities-and-turn-against-us.++

"Are ~ you ~ in ~ charge? A ~ clue ~ no!"

"No, you can’t do this! We surrendered! We surrendered!" whines Yvonne as she and the rest of the non-speaking extras are dragged away. "This is so unfair! This never happened to Numbskull!"

"Quarantine ~ the ~ Sphere ~ Chamber," Cyber-Harriet continues. "This ~ Doctor’s ~ increased ~ adrenaline ~ suggests ~ he ~ has ~ vital ~ Dustbin ~ information. Plus ~ the ~ whole ~ two ~ hearts ~ thing."

Jackie screams back at the Doctor as she is dragged away and he laughs at her cruelly as she is dragged out. She points out he promised to save her, and the Doctor points out SHE promised not to keep trying to sleep with him after he regenerated.

Jackie and the others are taken to the curtained area where the Cybermen have built an upgrading station out of old tin cans, nuclear waste drums and lots of sticky-back tape. The personnel are marched through the curtains to suffer the screaming and the drilling and the sparks flying and glavin, glavin, glavin!

"What happens in there? What’s upgrading mean? What do they do?" whimpers Jackie on behalf of the casual audience.

"Well," says Yvonne, looking and sounding stoned, "if these Cybermen are like the old ones, they’ll just replace the limbs and internal organs with machines and reprogram our brains to serve their sick twisted cause. Or they might just remove our brains and put them into suits of armor."

"That’s disgusting!"

"Yeah. Still, I’m all right," Yvonne notes cheerfully as a Cyberman drags her away, "I managed to get a nifty brain implant as part of Touchwood health cover. Tobias Witherspoon swore by them when it came to protecting you from Cyber Libidinous Control!"

"This is your fault!" Jackie shouts after her. "You and your Touchwood. You’re so stupid and drunk and sex-crazed, you’ve killed us all!"

"Oh, and what are YOU? Perfect?!" Yvonne snaps as she is thrown behind a curtain before she starts screaming and sparks fly, etc, etc.

We cut from this disturbing display to a far MORE disturbing one: the Doctor is trying to sweet-talk Cyber-Harriet into joining him in the TARDIS and fleeing Earth to its imminent and unavoidable destruction.

"Impart ~ information ~ about ~ the ~ Dustbins ~ before ~ I ~ snap ~ your ~ scrawny ~ neck ~ weasel ~ features!"

"You want some advice? Come here. I’ll give you some advice. I’ve got a machine downstairs, called the TARDIS, and you and me... just, just, JUST you and me... we can get into the TARDIS and fly away. Go to the other side of the universe and escape. Because there’s nothing else I can do. For the first time in my life, well, THIS life. Nothing. If I was less secure about my own godlike genius and brilliance, it could be a bit worrying. In a few hours’ time, this planet will be a ball of flame. All we can do is run away, watch it burn, have a few drinks, settle down, eat some mung-beans, I mean who knows just where the mood could take us?"

"You ~ are ~ proof."

"Of what?"

"That ~ being ~ an ~ arrogant ~ know-it-all ~ son ~ of ~ a ~ bitch ~ gets ~ you ~ nowhere ~ in ~ the ~ end. Learn ~ some ~ fucking ~ humility ~ you ~ gurning ~ twat."

However, the mood is completely ruined when Captain Jack somehow miraculously returns to life and vomits all over the Cyber Leader.

Instantly, Cyber-Harriet falls to her knees and then her head explodes like a melon hit by an arrow, spraying bloody gore everywhere.

"Better out than in, eh, mate?" asks Captain Jack blearily.

At the Upgrading Station, Jackie is about to be dragged to her fate when the Cybermen freeze. ++Cyber-Leader-One-Harriet-"Hellfire"-Jones-has-been-terminated.++ reports one.

++Good. Now-that-insane-bitch-is-gone-we-can-finally-run-things-properly-here-from-now-on. Download-shared-fires. I’ve-been-waiting-to-do-this-for-bleeding-ages.++

As the Cyber Lieutenant is promoted and goes through the traditional and kinky Cyber Initiation Ceremonies, the new regime prove itself to actually be stupider than the old as they let Jackie dashes down a back stair well as fast as she can in FULL VIEW of EVERYONE.

Dustbin Don enters the Sphere Chamber and deems the threat of the Cybermen a waste of their freaking time and that they should concentrate on opening the Genesis Ark. In a shocking and uncharacteristic moment of clarity, Rose remembers the first time she met a Dustbin, when her DNA rejuvenated it due to the background radiation gained by travelling in time which the Dustbins can feed off of with a nice Chianti. Clearly, she concludes the Dustbins need this radiation from her and Arthur!

"DARN," says Dustbin Mike to Dustbin Raph. "SHE DID WORK IT OUT ON HER OWN. I OWE YOU TWENTY, BRO."

"But what do you need it for?" asks Rose.

"TO OPEN THIS STUPID THING," grumbles Dustbin Raph.

"IT CONTAINS THE FUTURE," Leo agrees. "YOU THINK IT’D BE EASY TO GET INTO CONSIDERING THAT."

"But why would they build something they can’t open themselves?" asks Ricky before the audience can complain over this plot flaw.

"BECAUSE WE DIDN’T BUILD IT, OK? WE STOLE IT! IT’S ACTUALLY TIME LORD TECHNOLOGY, ALL THAT SURVIVES OF THEIR HOME WORLD..."

"APART FROM THE DOCTOR," Raph interrupts.

"FOR YARVELLING’S SAKE, RAPH, SHUT UP ABOUT THE DOCTOR!"

In Yvonne’s office, the Doctor and Captain Jack debate what they should do next. The Doctor still favors fleeing the immediate area and hiding on the outskirts of reality until this all blows over, while Captain Jack drunkenly is confident that he can take on "those silver bastards" with one leg tied behind his back easily.

"And the Dustbins?" the Doctor challenges.

"Hey, remember the last time I took them on?"

"Yes, you died horribly within ten seconds of facing them and they went on threaten the entire created universe."

"Exactly! So, statistically, y’see, I’m much more likely to succeed this time, aren’t I? Savvy?"

Suddenly, a horde of gasmasked, black-clad storm troopers with BFGs materialize in a puff of light, lead by none other than Pete Tyler himself. Captain Jack takes this philosophically by passing out again as the Doctor boggles at them.

"You can’t just-- just-- just hop from one world to another! You can’t! I put a bloody force field there to stop you doing just that! And you can’t have this sort of technology – it’s utterly implausible!"

"We’ve got our own version of Touchwood," Pete explains. "They developed it. Except we found out what the Institute was doing and the People’s republic took control and didn’t bonk each other all the time!"

"What the hell is going on!?!" roars the Doctor.

"Oh, shut the fuck up for five seconds," says Pete, maddeningly calm. "You’re not in charge here, you pompous arrogant son of a bitch. You’re gonna listen for once. When you left Irth, we found all the remaining Cybermen and sealed them inside the factories, bleeding heart liberals argued they were living beings and we should help them. Bloody Guardian reading sandal wearing lentil munchers. And in that time, the Cybermen infiltrated out version of Touchwood and their insane experiments in Cardiff, so they took it over and all of them stepped into the Rift and vanished. They were helped by the Cybermen YOU sent here with that magic whatsit you used to get rid of them, and together they mapped themselves onto your world before popping up like a dose of Herpes."

"Right, yes, fine, plot explained, hooray," the Doctor snaps. "Now you lot can piss off home UNLESS you intend to do something useful like help me defeat five million Cybermen?"

"Well, I was hoping you’d know how to close the Rift," Pete replies. "You being the famous Doctor and everything, I thought you might actually live up to your own reputation for once."

"Oi, I defeated seventy thousand Cybermen in one forty-five minute episode, thanks very much," the Time Lord retorts. "A bit of bloody confidence would be in order!" The Doctor glares darkly at him. "All right. Pete, I’ll do you a deal. I’ll close the Rift, stop the Cybermen AND defeat the Dustbins WITHOUT annihilating both worlds."

"And what do I have to do?"

"Jacqueline Andrea Suzette Tyler. YOU have to take her back to your Irth and keep her there when the worlds are sealed off."

"But... she’s not my wife."

"I was at the wedding. You got her name wrong! You called her Binky!"

"But MY wife died!"

"HER husband died. Good match. That’s the deal!"

Pete fumes, but grudgingly accepts right away because this story is ALREADY overrunning and the global Cyber apocalypse occurring across the Earth is frankly starting to push the bounds of credibility to all concerned. Thus, the Doctor uses his sonic screwdriver to zap Pete’s fascist stormtrooper weapons, setting them to "Dustbin Molester" settings, before kicking Captain Jack awake and sending him out of the office to make peace with the Cybermen.

Hungover and barely sentient, Captain Jack opens the door... and is immediately shot down by the New Cyber Leader and its entourage of armed steel-plated bastards! The Doctor, Pete and the soldiers whirl around to face the Cybermen as they march closer and closer.

"Ah, jings... this is gonna take a bit of diplomacy..."

In the Sphere Room the Genesis Ark is at the final stage of awakening. Only the handprint of a time traveler is needed to open it... which is why they used their one trip Null Sphere to take them to 21st Century Cardiff, the trendy time traveler’s city and their best bet to find one. Rose and Arthur are forced to step forward or else the Dustbins will scrub her out of existence, starting with Rose’s dyed blonde hair!

Suddenly the Doctor bursts in, soot-stained, clothes torn and hair a mess, apologizing profusely for being late but we just wouldn’t believe the sort of day he’s been having. He instantly crosses over and chats to Rose, gives Arthur a sugar-lump and exchanges a groovy handshake with Ricky.

"ALERT! ALERT! YOU ARE THE DOCTOR!" grates Dustbin Leo.

"I TOLD YOU! I FUCKING TOLD YOU!" Dustbin Raph shouts.

"HOW THE HELL DID YOU SURVIVE THE TEMPORAL DIFFERENCE OF OPINION?!" demands Dustbin Don of the Time Lord. "WHY WASN’T THERE A MEMO?! SO HOW IN THE NAME OF VULCAN’S BOLLOCKS DID YOU MANAGE IT!"

"By fighting," the Doctor lies through his teeth as anyone who has heard the Eighth Doctor Big Finish audios will attest. "On the front line! I was there at the fall of Arcadia. When Simon Le Bon and Nick Rhodes decided to regroup Duran Duran for the Notorious album. Someday I might even come to terms with that. But you lot - ran away! Little diddle Dustbins run, run, run?"

"OI! STOP DISRESPECTING US!" snaps Dustbin Mike. "MOST HEINOUS!"

"WE HAD TO SURVIVE. I AM DUSTBIN LEONARDO. THIS IS DUSTBIN DONTELLO, DUSTBIN RAPHAEL AND DUSTBIN MICHAELANGELO. WE ARE THE CULT OF FARGO – SEPARATE FROM THE SUPREME COUNCIL, OUTSIDE THE NETWORKS, BEYOND THE EMPEROR HIMSELF! A SECRET ORDER THAT SETS ITS OWN RULES AND IMAGINES, THINKS AND FINDS NEW WAY TO CLEAN! THE TEMPORAL DIFFERENCE OF OPINION WAS WHERE EVERYTHING CHANGED AND WE HAD TO BE READY!"

"Great! A Dustbin version of Touchwood!" the Doctor complains, as he strolls around the place as he is want to do in this incarnation. "So what’s this? A giant novelty air freshener?"

"TIME LORD SCIENCE WILL RESTORE DUSTBIN HYGIENE STANDARDS!" booms Dustbin Leo rather unhelpfully as he doesn’t explain anything apart of that sentence and leaves everyone, even the main cast, totally baffled. "NOW, YOU WILL OPEN THE ARK FOR US YOU ARROGANT BASTARD!"

The Doctor laughs contemptuously and then shouts, "Yippie-ai-ay!"

Immediately, the doors to the Sphere Room explode inwards as a force of Cybermen and Pete shock troops leap into action with BFGs. In a scene sadly cut for time, the Doctor somehow convinced the Cybermen to completely abandon their war against humanity and join forces into fighting the common foe with special anti-Dustbin weaponry.

Caught in the crossfire, the Dustbins are trapped, immobile, unable to use any of their deadly cleaning mechanisms as the Doctor and Rose jump onto Arthur and ride for it as we are treated to some truly iconic scenes of Dustbins and Cybermen blowing the shit out of each other. Finally the Cult of Fargo adapt themselves to the BFGs and open a can of whup-ass that wipes out every last one of the Cybermen and the troopers in about three seconds.

The Doctor, Rose and Arthur manage to escape the Sphere Room, but unfortunately so do Pete, Ricky and Captain Jack (who has, yet AGAIN, somehow returned from the dead – who does this guy think he is, Kenny McCormick?). Even more unfortunately, during the carnage Rose lost her footing and accidentally placed her breasts upon the Genesis Ark, leaving curiously-shaped red hot marks there.

As the Dustbins finish off the last of the Cybermen, they finally notice steam pouring from the gaps in the Genesis Ark. "CYBERMEN HAVE BEEN EXTERMINATED! THE GENESIS ARK IS PRIMED! DUSTBINS REIGN SUPREME! DO WE KICK ASS OR WHAT?!" Dustbin Leo cheers.

"THE ARK NEEDS AN AREA OF THIRTEEN SQUARE MILES TO ACTIVATE," Dustbin Don reminds the others, using the Imperial Measurements like all good Imperial Dustbins and together they set out to destroy the world!

Yes, the Earth is STILL on the brink of destruction at the end of episode three. This is the kind of insanely hardcore stakes every decent season finale imaginable needs...