10th Doctor - New Earth (ii)

Book(s)/Other Related -
Doctor Who: Joan Collins - Fear Her!!
Doctor Who and the Nun’s Diseased Pussy
David Tennant - Alien Slayer, Time Traveler, Lady Killer


Fluffs - David seemed out of his skull in this story.
Whoopi Goldberg’s performance as the Face of Bond is awful – although, admittedly, at least we were spared Nick Briggs’ attempt.
Graham Norton can be heard during the zombie scenes muttering, "I hope they turned my microphone off this time! Let's have a screeching contest! OH GOD I’M A CHAV!!!!!!"
Similar sound difficulties ruin the Doctor’s catch-up in the final scenes of the story: "Wow, wasn't that great with the BEEEEP! in the BEEEEP! with all of 'em BEEEEP!s running around, and BEEEEP! giving BEEP! BEEEEP!, and the BEEEEP! taking the piss out of BEEEEP! by BEEEEP!, and when BEEEEP! gets killed and when BEEEEP! gets chased by zombies, and when the BEEEEP! uses the sonic screwdriver, and when we see the Face of Bond’s BEEEEP!."


Goofs –
When Rose runs out of the flat, Mickey and Jackie are screwing on the floor naked. When the Doctor steps out, they’re on the table and still clothed. How perverted ARE those two?
Why does Joan Collins’ entire DVD collection just disappear when she swaps with Rose?
Where does the stuffed panda on the ladder come from? It wasn’t in the gift shop when the Doctor and Rose arrived!
Why does Chip's voice become even VAGUELY normal between Joan Collins taking him over and the trip to The Sunshine Camp?
The Duke of New New York and the Face of Bond are actually in a Cardiff bedsit which has been edited into shot.
Why was the Doctor so ignorant of Joan Collins’ position when he ostensibly had murdered her before? And why didn’t they admit they were at that orgy in the Pegasus Galaxy?
The Cat Nuns can cure sedimentary social diseases, but not eyesight? How come Krau Flovis hasn’t had corrective surgery? Does she just think those glasses make her look sexy? CAUSE THEY DON’T!
While the explanation for Chip’s tattoos works, where did the purple hat come from?
The Doctor’s eyebrows are left in the grass outside the TARDIS, but he has them with him when Jack turns up.
According to the credits there is a character called "Camille Coduri" played by Jackie Tyler.


Fashion Victims -
The Doctor’s red "YOU ARE NOT ALONE" T-shirt shirt with a collar so huge it acts as a mini-cape.
The Duke of New New York’s double helix bib.


Technobabble -
The brain swap technology works by reconfiguring alpha matrixes in series. This works better on Tuesdays for some reason.


Dialogue Disasters -

Rose: If the cats are all running a hospital... where are the dogs?
Doctor: In the pub, all sitting round playing poker.


Joan Collins: Is your brain broken?
Rose: Is yours? Cause the part dealing with social interaction looks like it’s missing!


Duke: Doctor! It's that man again! He's my good luck charm! Come in!
Flovis: Any friendship expressed by the Duke of Manhattan does not constitute a form of legal contract.
Duke: Get the Doctor a drink already...
Flovis: Any statements made by the Duke of Manhattan may not be made public without official clearance.
Duke: You’re fired, Flovis!
Flovis: Any attempt to terminate my employment without warning will result in the payment of massive compensation, so thank you very much!
Duke: ...shit.


Butler: Champagne, madam?
Joan Collins: Oh, moisturize me.


Dialogue Triumphs –

The Tenth Doctor’s catchphrase is confirmed:
Doctor: Uh... you had Petrifold Regression, right?
Duke: "Had" being the operative word! Past tense! Completely cured!
Doctor: Mmm. That’s weird.


Joan Collins: This body is horrible! It’s disgusting fat!
Doctor: Well, you know how it is. Back in Rose’s time hearing pelvis bones shattering in mid sex wasn’t popular, so a layer of body fat was positively encouraged.
Joan Collins: Guh. Barbarians!


Doctor: You think I couldn’t pull more birds than you?
Jack: Brains and beauty, mate - you haven’t a hope!


Flovis: Excuse me! Members of the public may only gaze upon the Duke of New New York with written permission from the Senate of New New Manhattan. You cant talk to the Duke! NOBODY GETS TO TALK TO THE DUKE!!


Doctor: Now, do you really think I can’t take you on, Joan Collins? You’ve met me before. You know I won’t stop. You violated 1980s TV and I won’t allow it to go unpunished!
Joan Collins: One step closer, Doctor... and the body gets it!


UnQuotable Quote -

Doctor: You know, Bond, ol fellah, I used to think you were the Bad Wolf. And your body – what’s that all about?


Links and References -
There is the apparently reference to The Restaurant at the End of the World, but I didn’t spot any. The Face of Bond finally karks it after acting like the world’s biggest Bonehead throughout the last series.


Untelevised Misadventures -
During the opening credits, the Doctor and Rose visited the ice world of Serac where the Snotaran empire had set up a theme restaurant called The Betrothal of Snotty, and the Doctor got a full-on French Kiss from a Snotaran called Colonel Snasal. This is clearly a cynical merchandizing-oriented tie-in with Doctor Who Magazine’s comic strip so more people waste their precious time and money finding out exactly what those glib references refer to! Cunning BBC bastards!


Groovy DVD Extras -
The recipe for the Dr Who punch (AKA the Intravenous Solution for Every Disease) involving Grenadine, Pink Gin, Green Chartreuse, Peach Schnapps, Blue Curaçao, more Peach Schnaps, more Pink Gin, Brandy, Southern Comfort, Banana Liqueur, Absinthe, Blueberry liqueur and Catnip to taste. "That should get you to a different planet!" promises RTD.


Introducing two NEW Segments!
In order to try and prove how media-savvy and clever the BBC were, and also to pester even MORE of the population with Doctor Who material, it was decided to record special prequel footage for each story which could be available by mobile phones, with such shitty audio and sound quality hardly anyone understood what the hell there were on about...

Vortext –
Novice Hame appears in a daytime TV infomercial about the Hospital of Evergreen Days: "Welcome to Coffra. Let us cure you. We can cure anything! Charles Hawtrey Syndrome? Terminal – or is it? Wrong! We never lose a patient. They can run, they can hide, but never lose them! We're here to help you. Donations welcome. Come to us and be cured. Don’t mind the screams, though, they’re totally irrelevant."


Frustrated at the lack of official recognition by the production team, Sparacus "Flamingo" Jones has insisted that thew New Series cannot be accurately detailed WITHOUT his keen insights, creative genius and nonspecific Oxford degree. The fan reaction forum I have presented the lonely fishlike creature with is thus called "The Spite Of Sparacus"!

The Spite of Sparacus –
"I threw a party for the new season and got some drinks in with hummus, greek salad & barbecue sticks. Unfortunately no one was willing to watch it with me but who cares? Joan Collins is NOT a snobby character, simply someone with standards who obviously had a good education who has had massive problems in her life to overcome. I imagine. It is occasionally acceptable for the higher classes to use lowbrow language - like when the Princess Royal tells reporters to 'Ferk orf'. It’s a sign of breeding, you know. Of course, the perfect Dr Who episode would involve Servalan, Avon, the Doctor and Joan Collins. And Ben Chatham."


Viewer Quotes -

"RTD should never be allowed to write another Doctor Who story again and Billie Piper should just not ever be allowed to just be again, anywhere, full stop! It’s a dumbed-down, over-budgeted, sex-romp through space with convoluted plots almost made me vomit and every dribbled word that issued from Piper’s mouth, actually did make me dry-reach. If Rose's menopausal and cheap mother and her socially retarded ex-boyfriend aren't annoying enough as characters we now seem to have a Doctor who looks like a private school prefect with the charisma of a dog. Why do they use these stinking Tom Baker groupies rather than Colin Baker! They should put someone in charge who would employ somebody who can and is allowed to, write real science fiction and they televised it. Like ME! My story 'The Hidden City' where the Sixth Doctor and Peri find a tiny city full of tiny people and Peri steps on it out of spite is the case in point! Stop calling me deluded you knobheads!"
- Ron Mallet (five minutes before he saw the episode)

"Just took a look at the DVD cover! God it's terrible! I couldn't stop laughing my ass off at its awfulness! It’s awful... beyond awful in fact... just... nasty! Ha ha ha ha ha! Who designed it, a blind coma patient? No only are Piper and Tennant standing in totally unnatural, uncomfortable and ridiculous poses, but it looks a kaleidoscope threw up all over them, creating a nasty 1980s café kid show retro day-glo effect surround! THE ULTIMATE IN CHEESE! Billie Piper looks like a soccer mom! And Tennant completely looks like Keanu Reeves, stunned at the awfulness of this cover! I think I may get a seizure! It’s the worst DVD cover ever! Well definitely up there with 'The Beginning's' shot of Hartnell stroking his tit. That was pretty grotesque..."
- Lee Binding (2006)

"I don't know if I'm a hedonist or just vacuous, but this is great!"
- Charles Daniels (2006)

"You know what I think? Novice Hame is the Bastard, who possessed Lynda-with-a-Y and regenerated in The Parting of the Legs, and went to the Face of Bond in order to hear his secret! There are plenty of clues in the messages Murray Gold sends us through the music! MURRAY GOLD REPRESENTS THE ULTIMATE TRUTH IN THE UNIVERSE!"
- Keff McCulloch (2008)

"That can say you, however. And nothing carefully to starts, no immediately wham. Unfortunately was possible I it all this way do not heal well to understand. Must still what to get used to their fast way of speaking. Therefore this information is what gone along me gone. For me of the peaks of this delivery. Phew, just as recover and then come the rest of the responses themselves, however. That promises, however, much good for in the future or must I in the past say? Generally a very entertaining tale that be originally is not." - Some Dutch Guy (2006)

"Five RTD episodes in a row! Damn it, guy, stop trotting around astride your sci-fi pony let someone else have a turn – preferably someone who knows how to write! It’s not as if it will ever be as good as Star Trek, anyway! Or Quantum Leap... Music’s too loud, Tennant is shit is superficially amateur compared to Eccleston (May His Name Be Blessed) and the little tryhard plain sucked! This is rubbish, attention-seeking rubbish trying to be cooler than the last series. Like any of the retards involved in this could even EQUAL that!"
- a typically upbeat review by eyeofsauros.com.uk (2006)

"I can’t stand David Tennant’s version of the Doctor. He’s an arrogant, swaggering, sarcastic, self-righteous cunt in bitching glasses living in a loveless relationship of convenience with naive young girls, lusted after by a worried Charlotte Church... He’s more like ME than I am!"
- Nigel Verkoff (2006)

"Earth 2.0. is a welcome new direction away from that stomach churning 'human emotion' rot in series one and the show is all the better for it! This is a story medical ethics and personal esteem problems. Maybe I’m just a cynical self-absorbed and deluded arse, but I suspect that everyone who tuned in expecting the drivel-ridden mindless soap-opera of 2005 and instead faced with something quite though-provoking so they all turned off! They are all worthless masturbating scum! KILL THEM ALL!! RTD IS GOD!!"
- Ron Mallet (five minutes after he saw the episode)

"Does anyone else find the Cat Nuns and their wonderful feline grace to be totally and utterly sexy? Their beautiful eyes and lovely feminine features are quite enchanting, their voices soooo pretty. Purr, purr, PURR!! Terribly, terribly sexy kitties. Oh yeah, I would have... Right, I'm off to molest the neighbor’s tortoiseshell feline."
- Cat Molester Jones (2006)

"I am most certainly not fan of animal experiments and it seems to me that the morality of vivisection must have struck a chord with RTD and inspired some of the ideas in this story. Which also has got Billie Piper admiring her own boobs. Even the Talons Of Wong-Jing didn't have anything as great as that!" - Dave Restal (2007)


David Tennant Speaks!
"One of the great things about this job is that you get to do stuff you that you don’t get to do in normal dramas; variety being the spice of life and all that. Like fighting evil cat nuns and zombies on alien planets. I’m not a cat person, particularly. I’m not into animals much. They do nothing for me. Shower a cat in love and it says 'sod you' and wander off. I don’t get squishly at the thought of them like some total fools do, and I really wanted to bring that across to the character of the Doctor. Of course this story is all about body swapping, and if I could inhabit someone else’s body for a day, well... I always want to say something terribly pure like 'get George Bush to reverse some policies' but I’d probably go for the dirty option first. It’s where one’s mind initially swings – or maybe it’s just me? Is my mind a sewer? Jings, this has all gotten very Zen, hasn’t it?"


Billie Piper Speaks!
"OOH! Ooh! Pick me! Pick me! I like cold showers – do you need to wet me down a bit? Do I look damp enough? Are you happy with the wetness? You are? WOO-HOOOO! I can’t believe I just said that. Out aloud, anyway."


Russell T Davies Speaks!
"This is very much a fun episode. I thought about opening the series with a dark story, but that would mean I couldn’t get Billie and David dowsed in public until they look like drowned rats and empty cake mix over their heads! Last time I tried that I won the Comedy Writer of the year and the entire room looked at me and demanded, 'WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU? BUGGER OFF BEFORE WE SET THE DOGS ON YA!' Why did I write this story? Why do I write anything? I just adore the sound of invading a vacuum! Who the hell says adore, anyway? I’ve never said adore in my life before. Oh my god, I can’t stop! I’m an adorer!"


Trivia -
The past Joan Collins speech goes: "Oh don’t, now stop it, stop it, that’s simply not true. That wasn’t me! That’s a vile rumor! Well, all right, maybe it was me but for Bodley’s sake, don’t tell the Princess, she’d be livid! Oh, she’d be fuming!Hello, how are you? I haven’t seen you in such a long time! You’re such a funny boy, oh yes you are! I can tell! Where did you get your costume? It’s ghastly! I’ve had this dress made especially. It’s marvelous here. I’m so bored. Someone come and say something intelligent to me GOD DAMN IT!"


Rumors & Facts -
Anticipation is a terrible. For instance, if I locked you in a room and calmly informed you through a hatch in the door that I planned to return in an unspecified period of time and beat you insensible with a car jack, chances are you wouldn’t enjoy the intervening hours very much, even if I left you a couple of porn mags and some cake. The anticipation of what was to come would cast too much of a pall. You wouldn’t even NOTICE the lovely vase of daffodils I thoughtfully placed on the table, would you? You self-obsessed BASTARD!!

Anyway, my anticipation gland was bursting as I settled down to watch the series opener Earth 2.0, and it left like a used tissue in a Vietnamese whorehouse. With its jarring tonal shifts leaping from high camp, to straight horror, to oleaginous sentimentality without warning as David Tennant popping his eyes out and shouting too much.

I’m not saying it’s a jumbled let-down 10,000 times worse than 98% of the rest of the joyless Formica drizzle-plop you get on the box guaranteed to make easily-spooked kiddy viewers crap their own spines through their bumholes. I’m not saying that. But it’s true.

But to be fair, this story COULD have been brilliant. If only Mr. T had appeared as a guest star.

One of the only successes of Doctor Who’s first season back on the air was The Restaurant At End Of The World. Considerable word of mouth was excited by its vastly far-future setting and plethora of alien creatures, and in particular how it totally ripped off the work of Douglas Adams until powerful laxatives were required.

For the program’s next season, Executive Producer Russell Tiberius Davies was eager to write a sequel since he could simply cut and paste the first script and expect no one to notice the way both begin with Rose abandoning Mickey and Jackie for the TARDIS, followed by flirtatious banter with the Doctor about where they’re going, arrive at a luxurious Alpha Class facility in the far future to meet cosmopolitan collection of characters and aliens including Joan Collins and the Face of Bond; the Doctor’s inexplicable desire to murder Joan Collins, involving undertaking a perilous and pointless journey through the (archaic) inner workings of the luxury facility which comes under seige but the Doctor uses part of the inner workings to 'reset' things, despite fear of legal action, ending with a coda where the Doctor and Rose go on a short journey back in time which proves to be completely gratuitous and camp but contains vital info dumps for the future.

RTD was insanely confident that he could catch lightning in a bottle twice, and also that his script (tentatively entitled "Cat Nun Zombie Body Swap Bond Fest") would be rather good. He also wanted to reinforce for the benefit of any particularly stupid donkey viewers that the change in lead actor from Christopher Eccleston to David Tennant had not fundamentally altered the show, apart from it becoming lightweight children’s TV entertainment with no emotional depth whatsoever. Somehow the Christmas Special having the Prime Minister of Great Britain deposed after a nutter in a dressing gown shouts "Thatcher!" at her didn’t sufficiently reinforce this aspect.

RTD therefore came up with an idea originally called "Faster Pussycat - Cure! Cure!", and decided to bring back the characters of Joan Collins and the Face of Bond and then ruthlessly slaughter the pair of them. This is part of RTD’s British Cultural Agenda to, in his words, "bathe in the blood of our enemies who would dare mock Queer As Folk!"

He also came up with the idea of the Face of Bond (who, it had been implied in the first season’s The Long Haul, was incredibly long-winded) would impart a secret to the Doctor. Since he wanted an excuse to shout at the BBC to keep making Doctor Who, he decided that the secret would not actually be revealed by the Face of Bond, but he would instead keep changing the subject. Thus, the series could not end until Bond revealed the secret, and since he never would, the show would go on and on and on for ever and ever and ever.

Steven Moffat, who had written Shellshock for the 2005 season, observed that Davies was a complete moron and

The original scene can still be found somewhere between the jigsaws on the BBC cult website -

Bond: Doctor, you wanted to know what my secret is...
Doctor: Yes?
Bond: Well, come closer...
Doctor: Yes?
Bond: Come closer still...
Doctor: Yes?
Bond: Closer...
Doctor: Yes!?
(The Face of Bond laughs in the Doctor’s hear very loudly and teleports himself away.)
Doctor: You goit! YOU GOIT!!! You’re ALL goits! I’m surrounded by goits! Rose Tyler, you’re a goit!!!
Rose: I’m a WHAT!?
Doctor: You heard!

The first draft of "Intensive Scare At St. Somewherelsewhere" was set in an exclusive private clinic outside Southern Spain, where the Doctor and Rose spy Posh Spice and David Beckham requiring cosmetic surgery. It turns out that Joan Collins herself is behind the clinic, using genetic manipulation for her own naughty ends. Collins captures the Doctor and Rose and intends to eat them when Posh saves them engaging in a bitch fight to the death with Joan Collins until the villa itself explodes in a pointless denouement.

As for Joan Collins herself, RTD intentionally kept her appearances as a stretched skin to a minimum, because these scenes were grueling to computer-animate. Instead, Davies came up with Collins’ ability to take over the bodies of others, which also fulfilled promises to Billie Piper that she would be given a comic role in the new season, and David Tennant’s longstanding desire to play a woman without wearing a dress.

"Escape from New New New New New New New New New New New New New New New Cardiff" formed part of the first production block for the new Doctor Who programme’s second season, which was incredibly appropriate since it was the first story written and set in that same season. They couldn’t have timed it better to be honest, all things considered.

The first sequences filmed for "The Unfrozen Ice Pop Medicine Incident" (as it was quickly renamed) were all those featuring Zoe Wanamaker in person; Wanamaker had thoroughly enjoyed shagging Christopher Eccleston in The Restaurant At The End Of The World and was happy to take an on-camera role in the sequel, but also had very limited availability to the numerous ninja assassins continually attempting to assassinate her.

The Sunshine Camp LSD rave was actually held at the Bar Orient restaurant on Cardiff Bay, until the owner found out about it, whereupon the final pick-up shots were taken at Cardiff Central Police Station where the cast and crew were charged with breaking and entering, disturbing the peace, recording an LSD rave and time paradox in a built up area during the hours of darkness, and contravening the Not In Front Of The Children Act of 1976.

The same day, the departure of the TARDIS from London was recorded elsewhere in Cardiff, at Loudoun Square in Gabalfa before a bunch of white supremacists could set fire to the police box prop or murder Billie Piper for flirting with a coloured gentleman.

Production did not resume until August 22nd, because everyone was recovering from the "Dr Who Cocktail" that RTD had devised (see Groovy DVD Extras), not realizing that RTD suffered from numerous medical conditions that meant it was possible for him to drink an entire wine cellar without getting hungover. The rest of the production team were mere flesh and blood and by the time they were able to recover sufficiently to remain upright, it was well into September the recording block as a whole had fallen badly behind schedule.

As a result, several scenes were dropped from Hawes' plans. Many of these concerned the Duke of New New York and Krau Flovis dispatching zombies with cricket bats and becoming crime-fighting vigilantes who could possibly get their own brand new TV spin-off.

Material in the hospital foyer was performed on September 5th, at the Millennium Centre in Cardiff. Just like pretty much all material in New Doctor Who, really. This is often why scenes from other episodes can be spotted in the background, leading the awkward moment where the Doctor and Rose accidentally walk into shot from an episode of Touchwood, and so Captain Jack’s cameo had to be hastily written into the already-hastily-written plot of "The Sisters of The Plague Hospital of Terror!"

The only work carried out on "The Incredibly Strange Mixed-up Zombies Who Started Living and Became The New Cybermen" over the next two days involved smoke effects at the BBC Model Unit in London. This smoke turned out to be of an illegal narcotic nature, leading to the entire crew being taken to the police station once more!

Finally, after Julie Gardner set herself up as bail guarantor for the entire film crew, recording proper continued in a disused Ely paper mill in Cardiff, which everyone hoped and prayed (ultimately in vain) that no one would notice was the Nestle lair in Ruse. Finally, cast and crew returned to the main Doctor Who studio space, Unit Q2 in Newport, for a week until they found their way out again and exchanged phone numbers. At one point, work had to be interrupted so that repairs could be made to the Face of Bond prop, which had been inadvertently damaged by Piper’s boyfriend. Despite all the 'evidence' in his autobiography, "It’s A Sex God Thing, You Wouldn’t Understand", said boyfriend was not and never will be Nigel Verkoff.

Verkoff however WAS present during filming as he insisted his one-man "Bring Back Adam Mitchell" campaign insisting that if they can bring back a human trampoline after it was set alight and melted into scrap, they could bring back someone turned to dust by the powers of the time vortex! When ignored he set off the sprinklers in the Millennium Centre so he could see Billie Piper in a wet T-shirt, necessitating ANOTHER change of script to explain why Rose was suddenly soaking. When Billie Piper discovered who was responsible, she had a quiet word with Verkoff – and, though no one knows what was actually said, we do know that upon hearing it Verkoff hyperventilated, his nose started bleeding and he promptly hid in a darkened room with a cup of tea, not emerging for a full ten days.

Another remount was required when it was discovered that the Cat Nun costumes simply weren’t working out, and the actresses were often abandoning the script entirely for shouting things like, "AAAAAAAAHH! Get me out of here! I CAN’T BREATHE!" The ultra-realistic practice the design department had come up with involved the actresses putting on balaclavas with live kittens shoved inside so their heads were poking out the top. A more actor-friendly, less cheap and unrealistic cat mask method would be required, but this wasn’t the end of their trouble...

Tragedy struck when the final exterior scenes to be recorded were those hampered by high winds and rain, another attack by the white supremacist and a sudden plague of zombies when Hell became overbooked and the dead were forced to walk the Earth for a long weekend. Not only did this force the zombie hoards to be hastily written into the plot to explain all the milling undead extras, this uncooperative event was not the only misfortune to befall the day's recording: it was belatedly discovered that a camera had malfunctioned during the shoot, resulting in the loss of every bit of footage so far and James Hawes’ screams of fury attracted those pesky KKK members again. Thus, the presence of white-clad figures wrestling with zombies required yet ANOTHER rewrite.

By this point, RTD was uncertain where "Bet You Can’t Stop Looking At Billie’s Tits" should be placed in the season schedule. It was quickly decided that it might be better to begin the season with a story that was actually finished and able to be broadcast, so it was decided to swap it with The Nun In The Lift-Shaft and that "Body Swap Frenzy Of Hissing Cat Nuns Colliding With Diseased Zombies" should be told as a flashback story, possibly over a cup of coffee and some biscuits. Closer to transmission, there was discussion of running The Michaelmas Werewolf first and having the ENTIRE SEASON told in flashback. In the end, however, it was felt that such a move would necessitate too many changes to the BBC paperwork, and so the adventure was kept in the pole position no matter how utterly rubbish it was.

Five minutes before its broadcast, Producer Phil Collinson requested changes to some of the computer-generated effects shots of the hospital exterior, particularly the way it was depicted as being next door to the Powell Estate, which was over five billion years in the past on another planet in a different galaxy. Also, the red cross on the side of the hospitals was replaced with the red crescent from Muslim countries – another symbol of RTD’s fiendish Islamist Agenda.

Finally, on Saturday 15 April 2006, the new series of Doctor Who debuted with Earth 2.0. and kicked the crap out of ITV’s pathetic pretence at opposition, Harry Potter and The Horrifically Naughty Things of Voldemort. Reviews of the episode were generally enthusiastic and sycophantic but in moments the entirety of Who fandom had damned the series as a cheap, confused, childish knock-off of a once great institution, despite the fact it was the exact same cast and crew they’d been applauding four months previously.

Truly, the mob is a fickle thing.

Undaunted by the backlash, RTD immediately set to work on yet another story set in the year Five Billion where the Doctor arrives in Knielwos, the prison of New New York where the governor is the Rani and her wardens are in fact the Slitheen! Only Novice Hame (now a convicted cat burglar called Cat Woman) can save the Doctor from the Computerized Mafia!!

Meanwhile, David Tennant continued his baffling desire to sing in every episode, despite the reams and reams of mail asking, begging, pleading and screaming for him to stop as it was unbearably camp and broke the fourth wall completely, ruining everything. Tennant cut through the opposition by pointing out that he could always quit and leave them alone like the last guy they annoyed.

The fanmail stopped pestering him immediately.

"Do You Want To Be The Doctor?" by Goddess Sintauri and the Free Flesh

Do you want to the Doctor, Doctor?
Do you want to the Doctor, Doctor?

It’s the tenth chance you’ll get
Think you’ve seen it all?
You ain’t seen nothing yet!
In the TARDIS you try to fly
To be a hero, to be the Lord of Time!

IT’S THE TENTH CHANCE YOU’VE HAD
CAN YOU STILL STAND THE HEAT?
CAUSE YOU’LL FACE DEFEAT!
YOUR LIFE WILL BE SO SAD, OH SO SAD!

Do you want to the Doctor, Doctor? Doctor?
Do you want to the Doctor, Doctor? Doctor?

You’ll see some parallel worlds
Cybermen, Sarah Jane, and Touchwood
Travel to the very edge of space
And STILL remember:
To save the human race!

IT’S THE TENTH CHANCE YOU’VE HAD
CAN YOU STILL STAND THE HEAT?
CAUSE YOU’LL FACE DEFEAT!
YOUR LIFE WILL BE SO SAD, OH SO SAD!

Do you want to the Doctor, Doctor? HUH?!
Do you want to the Doctor, Doctor? HUH?!
Do you want to the Doctor, Doctor? HUH?!
Do you want to the Doctor, Doctor? HUH?!