10th Doctor - A Different Voyage (iii)

Scene 33 – Conversion Room Corridor

[Edgar and the Doctor creep around the corridor, listening for any activity from the Cybermen.]

DOCTOR: This summer I swam in the ocean, and I swam in a swimming pool! Salt my wounds, chlorined my eyes, I’m a self-destructive fool! Self-destructive fool!

EDGAR: Yes you damn well are! Why are you singing that when we’re supposed to be being stealthy?

DOCTOR: Oh, like YOU have never got a song stuck in your head!

EDGAR: We’re supposed to be looking for Ruby!

DOCTOR: And that’s what we’re doing! Looking for her.

EDGAR: While you sing The Swimming Song!

DOCTOR: I can multitask. Now, the Cybermen will have repaired the converter and got it up and running before long, so we’ll have to be quick. Until they do, they’re probably shoving all the prisoners, like Ruby, into some form of holding cell. All we have to do is find that cell.

[The Doctor grins and wanders off. Edgar stays where he is.]

EDGAR: ...I hate you.

DOCTOR: What was that?

EDGAR: Nothing.

DOCTOR: No, not your incredibly childish insults, that!

[They listen for a moment.]

EDGAR: Nothing!

DOCTOR: Exactly! Nothing! Not even a slight whimper! So there must be a series of cells nearby, all soundproofed!

EDGAR: Bollocks.

[They turn a corner to face a different corridor lined with cells, uncannily resembling a bit of the Touchwood Hub where they usually keep Weevils captive. In fact, I think a couple of them are still there.]

EDGAR: ...I really, really hate you.

[The Doctor crosses to the first and waves through the plastic wall at Ruby, who glares darkly at him. The Doctor shrugs and tries to zap the lock with the sonic screwdriver. It doesn’t work.]

DOCTOR: Jings. Must have got wet...

EDGAR: Oh, let me do it, oh masterful Lord of Time!

DOCTOR: Shucks.

[Edgar places his hand over the lock, which sparks violently until the wall slides back.]

EDGAR: A little trick I learnt from Sapphire and Steel.

DOCTOR: Those posers? Yeah, bet you three got on like a house on fire. [beat] Silver’s gay, you know.

[Ruby finally looks up and sees who has rescued her.]

RUBY: Doctor! [surprised] Edgar? Why aren’t you ranting and accusing me of cheating you?

EDGAR: Edgar’s not here at the moment.

DOCTOR: I’ll explain later. Along with other things. But right now we need to go. Hopefully without any sprained ankles, because, I’ll be honest, this has really gotten old.

[Ruby runs off with Edgar and the Doctor. Moments later, they run back.]

DOCTOR: Jings, jings! Sorry everyone!

[Edgar zaps all the locks, which open and allow the prisoners to emerge. At that moment a bunch of Cybermen arrive.]

BUSHIDO: NOW WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN UP TO?

[Sighing with defeat, the prisoners go back into their cells right away as the Doctor, Edgar and Ruby flee, avoiding Cybermen as they go in a really long chase sequence I honestly cannot be bothered to transcribe in further detail. Finally, they run through a door and slam it shut behind them as the Cybermen catch up.]



Scene 34 – Control Room

[The trio lean against the wall, taking a breather. Ruby turns to Edgar.]

RUBY: ...anyway, about that talk?

DOCTOR: Oh, can’t it wait?

EDGAR: Why should it?

DOCTOR: Well, it might be polite to introduce ourselves first.

RUBY: Introduce ourselves to who?

DOCTOR: Jings, what is wrong with you too, are you blind?!

[He nods to the other side of the room and Ruby and Edgar follow his gaze. There, in a throne-like seat (or a seat-like throne) sits a Cyberman, twice the size of the others, the metal covering it a metallic black, its gauze like face showing the decaying human remains, with funky red graffiti on it saying things like "Civilization Zero Is Coming!", "Bad Wolf" and "Vanguard Rules!". This is the CYBERLEADER!]

RUBY: What’s that?

EDGAR: A Cyberman?

DOCTOR: Worse. It’s the thing controlling them. A sort of Cyber Controller, if you will...

[The Cyberleader speaks in a deep, booming voice, David Banks turned up to eleven...]

CYBER DOG: SONO CANE DI CYBER. AVETE FATTO UN ERRORE GRAVE NELLA VENUTA QUI.

[Caption: //I am Cyber Dog. You have made a grave mistake in coming here.//]

DOCTOR: [not understanding a bloody word] That’s nice. Well then, we’ll just be leaving, shall we?

[The Cyberleader slams its fist upon the throne.]

DOCTOR: Or we could stay. Your choice.

CYBER DOG: PERCHÉ SIETE QUI?

[Caption: //Why are you here?//]

EDGAR: I think he wants to know what we’re doing here.

DOCTOR: Us? Just passing through, and yourself?

CYBER DOG: CYBERMEN SONO STATI CONVOCATI DA A AFFLIGGA IL FALÒ, INTENDIAMO RIPRENDERE L'UNITÀ CADUTA E GIRARE TUTTI GLI ESSERI UMANI A BORDO QUESTA NAVE.

[Caption: //Cybermen were summoned by a distress beacon. We intend to reclaim the fallen unit and cybotize all humans on board this ship.//]

DOCTOR: Did you get that?

EDGAR: Not a word.

DOCTOR: They only showed up after I activated the distress beacon. But, why? Cybermen have never had the "no man left behind mentality". Or time travel, come to think of it. How’d you do that by the way?

CYBER DOG: L'UNITÀ CADUTA È SPECIALE. ERA LA PRIMA UNITÀ PER USARE LA TECNOLOGIA DI CORSA DI TEMPO DATA NEGLI STATI UNITI. SÌ, LASCIARLO NEL PASSATO CORROMPEREBBE LA CRONOLOGIA, ESSO HA DOVUTO ESSERE RICHIAMATO. NONLO LASCI MAI È DETTO NOI NON HA OTTENUTO L'INTERO ' PUNTO SULLA A BUTTERFLY' AFFARE.

[Caption: //The fallen unit is special. It was the first unit to use the time travel technology given to us. Yes, to leave it in the past would corrupt the timeline, it had to be retrieved. Never let it be said we didn’t get the whole 'step on a butterfly' deal.//]

DOCTOR: If only we knew what he was saying.

CYBER DOG: NON POTETE PARLARE ITALIANO? CHE SPECIE DI BULLSHIT È QUESTA?

[Caption: //You can’t speak Italian? What sort of bullshit is this?//]

EDGAR: But who gave them time travel?

CYBER DOG: COME STO ANDANDO RIVELARE UN ARCO DI STORIA COME QUELLA SUL PRIMA VADA. SPINGETE NON POTETE NEPPURE CAPIRE CHE COSA SONO DETTO PUÒ VOI?

[Caption: //Like I’m going to reveal a story arc like that on the first go. You jerks can’t even understand what I’m saying can you?//]

DOCTOR: Really?

CYBER DOG: I CERCHI DEL RACCOLTO SONO CAUSATI DAI BABBUINI FLATULENTI.

[Caption: //Crop circles are caused by flatulent baboons.//]

EDGAR: Er, quite.

CYBER DOG: L'OH, NON DEVO TOLLERARE QUESTO…

[Caption: //Oh, I don’t have to put up with this...// The Cyberleader grabs Edgar’s neck and electrocutes the bastard with 4 million volts of direct current. He screams like a girl. Ruby tries to get to him but the Doctor holds her back. Incredibly easily. You’d really think it a token gesture.]

CYBER DOG: CHE COSA STATE ANDANDO ORA FARE, HUH? SALASSO SU ME?

[Caption: //What are you gonna do now, huh? Bleed on me?// Edgar grits his teeth, placing his hand on the Cyberleader’s arm. Instantly strange energy ripples back through the Cyberleader.]

CYBER DOG: L'OH CARO…

[Caption: //Oh dear.// The Cyberleader jerks back, letting go of Edgar, who falls lifeless to the floor. The giant black behemoth clutches his handle bars and slumps back into its throne. As the Doctor and Ruby watch on, the Cyberleader twitches violently, sticking all its limbs up into the air before falling still.]


Scene 35 – Montage

[On the bow deck, the Cybermen are STILL busy trying to chase people for some reason when they all stop, grab their jug handled heads and fall over. Their would-be victims stop running and turn to see the Cybermen lie still for a few seconds before their legs jerk and they lie still again.

On the lower decks, Bushido, Glock and Kiowa are standing around chatting when they suddenly grab their jug-handles, collapse to the ground and lie still. A moment later, they all twitch then slump lifeless.

The Cyberman about to shove Matthew into the converter jerks, clutches its head and falls over, allowing the boy to wriggle free and run away.

Bushido picks itself up and looks around to see a cowering family nearby. Bushido takes two steps, convulses, clutches its handles, falls over again, twitches and finally dies, mere centimetres from the extras.]


Scene 36 – Control Room

[The Doctor and Ruby stand over Edgar. The Doctor nudges Edgar with his toe while Ruby cradles him in her arms, sobbing over the swelling violins of Murray Gold. Behind them, the Cyberleader twitches again and groans.]

CYBER DOG: UH OH… PENSO I’M... CIRCA DA ESSERE COPIOSAMENTE... E VIOLENTEMENTE MALATO...

[Caption: //Uh oh... I think I’m about to copiously and violently sick!//]

[As the Cyberleader tries to get off its throne, the Doctor nudges Edgar again and shakes his head.]

RUBY: What did he do?

DOCTOR: Long version or short version?

RUBY: ...short.

DOCTOR: He died.

RUBY: And the long version?

DOCTOR: He died. Heroically. See, as has already been established in the narrative at several points, Edgar (or rather the Jenan possessing his mortal hide) could manipulate energy. So he short-circuited the Cyberleader and shut him down. Probably the other Cybermen on board too.

[Behind them, the Cyberleader falls out of his throne and starts to crawl away.]

RUBY: But how? Human’s can’t manipulate energy.

DOCTOR: Jings, I know you’re grieving, but you’re setting new standards for "slow on the uptake".

EDGAR: I know what you mean.

[Edgar’s eyes open and sits bolt upright.]

EDGAR: I’m not human!

RUBY: [confused] What do you mean, "not human"?

DOCTOR: That’s another thing. She always reacts to the wrong things. You come back from the dead, and she takes issue with the witty one liner to used. I thought her not registering the TARDIS emptying half the Atlantic over the bow deck was a one off, but she’s always like this!

EDGAR: I know. Well, Ruby, old flame of mine, I am... an alien. Like the Doctor. But not like the Doctor as such. My people have no bodies of their own, so we must take others.

RUBY: So... you aren’t my Edgar?

DOCTOR: Oooh, she’s catching up...

EDGAR: No, Ruby, I’m not your Edgar. I am merely using his body. But the love I feel for you matches his! Just, you know, without the paranoid delusions that you’re shagging half of Cardiff whenever my back is turned. When I leave this body, he shall still love you. But with the paranoid delusions.

DOCTOR: Jings. The agony of choice.

[Ruby backs away towards the Doctor as Edgar rises.]

RUBY: Why didn’t you tell me?

EDGAR: Well, I’ve only been using it for ten minutes and for most of that time we have been running for our lives... oh, and even if I had told you, would you have believed me?

RUBY: [shrugs] Probably not.

DOCTOR: What?! Aliens, robots, time travelling cyborgs and you don’t buy a bit of demonic possession?! JINGS!

EDGAR: Oh, I guess I owe you an apology too Doctor, you may never get your answers now.

DOCTOR: Ah, don’t worry about it, I’m sure I’ll find out some day, five minutes before the season finale that wraps everything up. You’d be amazed at just how often that happens to me. High five!

[They do so. It’s one of the really long and complicated handshakes.]

EDGAR: Getting some skin from a Time Lord. I did not see that one coming.

DOCTOR: Well, you’re not so bad. For an exiled, body-stealing warlord with delusions of godhood.

EDGAR: My inner warlord was tamed by love!

[The Doctor laughs uncontrollably and then stops and looks at Edgar scared.]

DOCTOR: What the hell... are you serious?!

EDGAR: [grins] Nah, I’m lying. I do that a lot. Case in point...

[Edgar shoves the Doctor, sparks of energy flickering around his wrist. The Doctor goes soaring across the room, falling on top of Cyber Dog, who is still being sick. Both collapse. Ruby runs towards her companion, grabbing him by the shoulders.]

RUBY: What are you doing?

EDGAR: Guess!

[Another jolt of energy sends her to the ground. Edgar sways unsteadily.]

EDGAR: Pathetic! I’m a body-snatching alien warrior with a history of criminal insanity and I’ve turned on the supremely advanced alien in the same room. Maybe I’m just working out inner childhood traumas? Or maybe I just want to steal the body of a Time Lord? Pay close attention, Ruby dear, you might just learn something.

[The Doctor struggles to his feet, shocked at Edgar’s actions which involved giving him a shock.]

DOCTOR: "I love her with all my heart!" Bollocks! You were so much more convincing in Notting Hill!

EDGAR: Please, love? Such a novel concept. Novel by Barbara Cartland, I mean. So easy for these humans to fall in
and out of, makes them so easy to manipulate. And now, Doctor, that ominously-unamed company in America? They can offer me freedom, but you... you, Doctor, can give me so much more!

DOCTOR: I can... but I won’t!

EDGAR: Who said you had any choice?

[Edgar fires off more energy, but the Doctor dodges easily. Edgar falls over, exhausted.]

EDGAR: God damn it! Stay still and die like a man!

[He fires again, missing once more as Cyber Dog is slammed against the wall, groaning. The Doctor runs up to Edgar and knees him in the groin. Edgar falls to both knees, breathing heavily.]

DOCTOR: I was gonna say the same to you.

[As the Doctor picks up his sonic screwdriver, energy crackles along Edgar’s body. He stands up.]

EDGAR: I can still defeat you, Doctor! Your bony Gallifreyan ass is going DOWN!

[Yet another wave of energy, this one knocking Edgar over. The wave misses the Doctor but strikes Ruby, knocking her back to the ground.]

RUBY: ARGH! MY FUCKING ANKLE! AGAIN!!

[The Doctor sneers down at Edgar.]

DOCTOR: Are you finished yet or do you want to go through the motions?

EDGAR: [weakly] Up... yours!

[He fires another beam of energy, and the Doctor is hit right in the face. He is sent flying straight up and then comes straight back down again... right on top of Edgar’s head. Hard. They lie there for a moment.]

DOCTOR: [muffled] You really thought THAT through, didn’t you?

EDGAR: [muffled] This body is dying!

[The Doctor stumbles, trying to get back on his feet, but he’s not quite there yet.]

DOCTOR: I’m not surprised! He’s been dead since the Cyberleader electrocuted his bikini line! And even if it wasn’t, he’s a overweight, undernourished Edwardian fop. Not exactly built for this type of punishment... not exactly built for anything when you think about it...

EDGAR: [defiant] This is not over Doctor!

[Edgar raises a hand and points at the Doctor. His hand crackles with energy and drops.]

EDGAR: OK, it’s over. But if I don’t take a new host than I am condemned to death! What will you do with me?

DOCTOR: You don’t want to know.

EDGAR: [through gritted teeth] Fine by me.

[Edgar suddenly gives the Doctor the Vulcan nerve pinch and they both spark with blue energy. The Doctor is not effected in any way and looks around in mild confusion.]

DOCTOR: Err... Edgar? What are you doing?

EDGAR: You won’t let me take a human host so a Time Lord one will have to do.

[Light continues to surge between them.]

DOCTOR: Riiiiiiiiight. And then what?

EDGAR: I was thinking of just stealing your ship, a machine with which I could wage war across time! But now! I get to do it with the life span of the Last of the Time Lords!

[He laughs insanely for a full minute. The Doctor stares at him, then smirks, then giggles.]

DOCTOR: You are one useless n00b, Edgar!

EDGAR: Why aren’t I in control of you body, goddamn it?

DOCTOR: Jings! The clue’s in the whole "Time Lord body". We’re not as easy as human hosts. Why, did you even buy me dinner first? A little dancing, maybe take in a Johnny Depp flick? Would that have been too hard?

EDGAR: In all probability, yes. I sort of used up most of my energy on the Cybermen. And you.

DOCTOR: Aw. Poor little widdle bodysnatcher. Did the nasty wasty Time Lord stop your ickle wickle dweams of time twalling contest? Diddums, diddums. Here, have a going away present?

[The Doctor hands Edgar a glowing 1980s lightning globe.]

EDGAR: What is this? An ashtray?

DOCTOR: That? That would be the heart of the Cybermen’s time traveling technology. SAYONARA, EDGAR!

[The lightning globe flashes with light and Edgar rapidly ages like Dorian Grey sans portrait.]

EDGAR: Well... this just plain sucks...

[Edgar ages into a skeleton which crumbles to dust. The Doctor looks at the globe, which is all that’s left.]

DOCTOR: Pah! Indian-giver!

[He snatches up the globe and walks off past Ruby, who is completely bewildered.]

RUBY: [horrified] Doctor, what did you do?

DOCTOR: What I had to, to end this plot. This summer I swam in a public place, and a reservoir to boot! At the latter, I was informal; at the former, I wore my suit! I wore my swimming suit!

[Caption: AN EDIT LATER...]


Scene 37 – Titan Bow Deck

[The Doctor stands by the TARDIS, Ruby is with him, still waiting for him to explain.]

DOCTOR: Oh, this summer I did swan dives! And jack-knives for you all! And once, when you weren’t looking, I did a cannon-ball! Yes, I I did a cannon...

RUBY: SHUT IT!

DOCTOR: [taken aback] Sor-ree.

RUBY: Just tell me what the hell is going on!

DOCTOR: [sighs] Fine. Long story short? He was an alien, a warlord banished to Earth to suffer for his crimes. I knew that if he got free, he’d be able to destroy so much and kill so many I’d look like a total dork if I didn’t mercilessly hunt him down like a dog. I couldn’t let that happen.

RUBY: My Edgar was still in there!

DOCTOR: Did he have a pulse before he got possessed? Cause he sure didn’t have one after! His body died when he confronted the Cyberleader. Maybe even before. And even if he was still alive, the guy was an irritating jerk with a massive abandonment complex. He had to die horribly for the good of mankind!

RUBY: [bitter] And who are you to make such decisions?

[The Doctor stares at her.]

DOCTOR: I’m sorry, were you not paying attention for the last seventy minutes? I’m the alien time traveler with the police box who stopped three simultaneous invasions of Earth with the bare minimum of civilian casualties. You are the useless ungrateful fob who kept spraining her ankles and never did anything. Who are you to judge who am I to make such decisions? Huh? Ape girl, you got an answer for that?

[He jabs her in the shoulder.]

DOCTOR: Tell you what, Ruby, when your species watches over the whole universe and does it responsibly for ten thousand years, and then wipes itself out like every other civilization in a war everyone loses and you’re left alone, the burden of your entire race to carry alone – give or take the odd friend or purely platonic companion – maybe then I’ll bother to give a dead Tetrap’s for what you have to think, OK?!

[From the other end of the deck, people start to come out from their cabins. Extras wander by, ignoring the Doctor and Ruby. The Doctor rolls his eyes.]

DOCTOR: [sighs] Anyway. Time’s flying and I really better get going...

RUBY: These people owe you their lives and you won’t even look at them! Why is that Doctor?

DOCTOR: They don’t owe me anything. Plus they’re kind of ugly. Anyway, like I said, I have to go. Wanna come with me?

RUBY: You’re joking, right? Why should I?

DOCTOR: Lots and lots and lots of good reasons. Reasons that don’t SEEM obvious but carry a lot of weight. Like an iceberg. For example. In the Atlantic ocean. You see what you mean?

RUBY: After all we’ve been through... after all you’ve shown me... you can’t tell me why I should go with you?

DOCTOR: I’m just saying, that if, say, rats think that leaving a ship is a good idea... especially when there are iceberg-like good reasons for doing so that admittedly appear innocuous... maybe we should...

RUBY: This is goodbye.

DOCTOR: FINE! I tried, I failed, no hassle for me! If you’ll excuse me, I’m abandoning ship! Does that sound like a good enough reason, huh, Kylie? Well, this time it IS too late!

[The Doctor turns his back on her. Ruby goes to place her hand on his shoulder, but stops, and he strides into the TARDIS and slams the door shut. "Six Months In A Leaky Boat" by Little Birdy plays over the rest of the episode.]


Scene 38 – TARDIS Control Room

[The Doctor heads for the console and checks the monitor: “Sunday - April 14th - 1888 - 23:39.”]

DOCTOR: Jings, talk about cutting it fine...

[He pulls down a lever and the central column begins to rise and fall. The Doctor sighs in relief.]


Scene 39 – Titan Bow Deck

[Ruby watches as the TARDIS slowly fades out of view, the sound of its roaring engines fading into nothing until it’s
gone. Ruby now is able to look past where it was, out to see. Her face falls as she realizes they are heading straight for a monumentally big iceberg at 25 knots...]


Scene 40 – Sea

[We see soaked people huddled together on the desk of a rescue ship, a steamer called the Greasy Bastard.]

DOCTOR: [vo] On Sunday, April 14th 1912, at 11:40 p.m., the RMS Titanic struck an iceberg in the Atlantic Ocean. It thus completely overshadowed in history the Titan, which ALSO struck an iceberg while travelling in the Atlantic, some fourteen years earlier. In the next few hours the unsinkable Titanic sank to the bottom of the ocean, and in the process, 1490 people lost their lives. This completely beat the indestructible Titan, which lost only 1250 passengers when it sank. Only 712 people survived the Titanic, 538 less than the Titan survivors and thus was automatically considered worthy having a Leonardo di Caprio film based on its destruction.

[We pass the survivors, finding a couple of vaguely recognizable speaking parts like Matthew, his mother, some one else’s mother, Cyber Dog, a bellboy...]

DOCTOR: [vo] And amongst those forgotten survivors of the 1888 shipwreck, them was one particular woman. She stayed on the ship for as long as she could, helping people to the life boats, she saved more than thirty lives that night. And she looked so much like Kylie Minogue it was spooky.

[Ruby sits, huddled in blankets, staring blankly ahead amidst the other survivors.]

DOCTOR: [vo] Of course, that wasn’t including the 33 passengers found in Cardiff whom were all believed to have died aboard the Titan but insisted they were never on that crummy so-called luxury liner and told anyone who said otherwise that they were a nosey bastard who should piss off home.

[We pan up into the sky where a certain spinning police box can be seen...]


Scene 41 – TARDIS Control Room

[The Doctor stands alone at the console, watching he time rotor. He is now in his trademark brown suit, trainers, and long brown coat, since this was shot the same time as the season trailer.]

DOCTOR: [vo] Though history never remembered the Titan, or the men and women who lost their lives and most people assumed Morgan Robertson’s best-selling book on it, Futility, was fiction. But still, one man remembered, a man who had saved the people of that ship, only to leave them behind to face what would happen next. He never forgot.

[The TARDIS stops moving, and the Doctor stands walks towards the doors.]

DOCTOR: [vo] But the trouble was he didn’t particularly care, either.

[The Doctor strides through the doors and into the unknown... of Cardiff.]



COMING SOON

[The Doctor stands alone at the console, then turns to face us.]

DOCTOR: You know, it’s a man’s life, being last of the Time Lords. All of space and time to explore...

[The Brigadier enters.]

BRIGADIER: Right, I heard that!

DOCTOR: Brigadier!

BRIGADIER: Sorry, Doctor, but as an Officer Commanding in the regular army, I object in the strongest possible terms to this obvious reference to the advertising slogan ‘It’s a crap life... sorry, a pig’s life... man’s life in the modern army’! I warn this program that any recurrence of this sloppy long-haired civilian plagiarisim will be dealt with most severely. I shall come down on you all like a ton of bricks and stop the whole Christmas special. Right, on the command ‘now’, the camera will cut to the trailer for next season. Carry on.

[He walks off again. The Doctor watches him go and shakes his head.]

DOCTOR: Nutter.

BRIGADIER: [vo] Now!

[On a village green, the Doctor stands in the pool of light cast by a single streetlight, looking down at an attractive brunette woman.]

DOCTOR: I’m the Doctor.

WOMAN: Doctor what?

DOCTOR: Close enough!

[In the village pub, the Doctor moves through some villagers and sits down with that brunette.]

DOCTOR: Which did you order again?

WOMAN: Er... G & T.

DOCTOR: [long pause] I got you... crème de menthe. I’m sorry, I didn’t catch your name.

WOMAN: The focus group haven’t really worked one out yet.

DOCTOR: Um. OK. Shall we just call you “the new chick” to be going on with?

[A Dustbin leads an army of Nazis marching down a street. A Roman senator throws a milk crate at the mosiac floor, but it bounces and knocks him over. A stereotypical ruined alien city. A spacecraft marked "GWEN COOPER" flies through an asteroid belt. In the TARDIS, the Doctor is counting on his fingers.]

DOCTOR:
George. Helen. Alan. Ida. Amy. Tony. Butch. Specs. Jane.

[The instantly-recognizable and very, very drunk Winston Churchill falls out of his chauffer-driven-car and onto the tarmac of the RAF airstrip. A gaggle of RAF officers point and laugh. The Futurekind Chieftain decks the Doctor. In a warehouse, a tough-looking man in a red shirt opens a shirt to reveal a featureless window dummy who, as always, instantly comes to life and strangles him. Honestly.]

DOCTOR: [vo] The Harrington Archives... Touchwood with Dewy-Decimal!

[A Pakistani man in combat dress salutes the Doctor, who double takes. A giant blue eye winks flirtatiously. The TARDIS lands on Martha Jones’ sofa. Someone looking uncannily like Allan a Dale from "Robin Hood" blunders down a corridor.]

KATIE: [vo] The focus group haven’t worked out his name, either, but he’s from Earth. Quelle surprise.

DOCTOR: Oh! No, no, no, no, no! That’s bad! That’s very, very bad! Introducing male companions into the lineup never works! Believe me, I know!

[The Doctor and three extras walk down a red carpet to Queen Elizabeth who stands beside her thrown. Lucie Miller grins like a psycho. A bunch of aliens knock the shit out of the Valiant.]

DOCTOR: [vo] It was said that if a Time Lord were to absorb the time vortex, they would become a vengeful God. Or maybe only if they had a peanut allergy. Not 100 per cent about that.

[The new chick gets backhanded by a Bilurian who drags her into the bushes. The Doctor collects a copy of "The Man in the Brown Suit" from the new chick. The Doctor examines her jacket with his sonic screwdriver. The new chick stumbles into the TARDIS. A Bilurian smashes through a door.]

HENSLEY: [unimpressed] I think that’s enough from the next episode, don’t you?

DOCTOR: Trandi. Charlie. Finney. Nick. Tom. Dave. Harry. Arnold.

[A massive Victorian library beneath huge storm clouds. The Doctor and the new chick walk into a small travel agents directly next to the library where the sun is shining.]

DOCTOR: [vo] Joan. Miss Young. Milena. Fiona. Cat. Ant. Raine. Lyria. Gonji.

[The Doctor. The new chick. Some guy in overalls. Someone trying to lock their car but the key doesn’t work. The Doctor looking like some fangirl’s slipped DT a roofie. Someone finally unlocks their car. The Doctor screams as a bright light emerges from the car boot.]

DOCTOR: Amy. Lizzie. Sherman. Lorenzo. Guin. And, lastly, Alison. Those are all the unofficial non-companions I could think of. Any of those names suit you?

[The new chick steps into view, standing next to the Doctor.]

WOMAN: Not reaaaaaaally, no.

DOCTOR: Oh well. Something will turn up. Still, it’s a man’s life, being last of the Time Lords, but I’ve picked up a...

[The Brigadier scrambles up into view.]

BRIGADIER: Right! No, I warned you, Doctor! No, I warned you about the slogan! Right. That’s the end. Benton! Stop the show! At the double now! Stop it! Stop——

[Black out.]






The Doctor
DAVID TENNANT

Ruby Tuesday
KYLIE MINOGUE

Edgar Allan Poe
HUGH GRANT

The CyberLeader
DAVID “BANKSY” BANKS

Matthew
SOME KID OFF “TOTALLY DOCTOR WHO”

Charles The Upper-Class Alcoholic Snob
MARK GOACHER

The Completely Knackered Cyberman
NICHOLAS BRIGGS

Iceberg
VANILLA ICE


Title Music by
AN AUSSIE CALLED RON ON A BEACH SOMEWHERE
Arranged by
CYBERTECH AND THE OWL-STRETCHING ORCHESTRA

Historical Research
W. KIPEDIA

Script Editor
BRIAN DONOR

Executive Producers
RUSSELL TELLURIAN DAVIES
JULIUS CAESAR

Director
JAMES STRONG!
JAMES MIGHTY!
JAMES ROCKS!

This script is © Paul Robinson and Daniel Loach. Whoever they are. They’re probably quite nice. They sound nice.