Dialogue Disasters -
Deeva: You may call me Superior Mistress.
Charley: And you can get on your knees and beg me for more!
Deeva: WHAT?
Charley: Sorry. Don't know why I said that. You sit on the bed. I'll take it in easy stages.
Buffy: Emmerdale, Doctor Who, Time Gentlemen Please, Sapphire and Steel, Eddie Waring... Strikes me, Britain turns out lot of weird things.
Brigadier: Yeah, but at least there's a difference between them, Yank!
Doctor: Sex with Charley was excellent. Excellent! EXCELLENT!
Brigadier: Really?
Doctor: More than that - it was fun!!!
Brigadier: Odd idea of fun you have, Doctor.
Charley: Is there any point to this endless parade of naked young girls?
Willow: Perhaps there is no plot?
Charley: Good call, girlfriend.
Doctor: Ah, Charley! I see you've met the one person that I hate more than Michael Grade!
Charley: Oh, Doctor?!! I thought *I* was the one person that you hate more than Michael Grade!
Doctor: Ahhh... Yeah, lesson to myself. Don't tell people they're the one person that I hate more than Michael Grade.
"Now, run along. Disappear into the ether."
- the Brigadier to one of his many lady friends.
Serge: Oh, Charley. I smash doors down, I enter young ladies' bedrooms, I want to kill you... why the hell don't you find me sexy?
Doctor: You're going to suck out my brain! Why do girls always want to suck out my brain? What's my brain got that the rest of me hasn't? What's it take, huh?
Dialogue Triumphs -
Charley: I like the porn industry, Doctor! IT'S FUN!!!
Doctor: Tha- that's inhuman!
Deeva: No! That's magic!
Giles: Gallifrey, Dustbins, Cybermen, Susan... Damn, damn Susan.
Doctor: How do you know all this?
Giles: Haven't you worked it out yet, my poor, mad, confused, bisexual, weak-limbed, Evita-loving, sexually inexperienced, Bohemian, camping, Kenneth Williams-lookalike friend?
Doctor: Um. No.
Giles: You tell me all this every fucking night!
Buffy: YOU'RE AN OLYMPIC STANDARD DORK, DOCTOR!!!
Doctor: Absolutely. DAMN IT, I JUST LOVE PERCEPTIVE WOMEN!
Brigadier: Here I am, eight foot of hot, sweaty demon...
Doctor: Er, Alistair, I'd say round about six inches. Maybe seven.
Brigadier: Shut up, wanker, I'm trying to score here.
Giles: Have you been acting sanely?
Doctor: Well, I think so. I mean, it's not like I'm Tom Baker, is it?
Buffy: Well, she's a natural blonde who falls out of her clothes and screams.
Brigadier: Perfect. Sounds like the Doctor's type.
The Brigadier's last words to Charley:
"Every time I think I've seen all of you, out you pop out again!"
Doctor: Well, Brigadier... here we are again.
Brigadier: Yes indeed.
Doctor: Amaze me.
Brigadier: Right. How are you, Doctor?!! Good to see you! Should have guessed it was you. Just didn't dream of seeing you HERE!!! I like the new face, by the way. See if you can't hold on to it a little longer than some of your predecessors, there's a good chap. Was that good?
Doctor: Sure.
Brigadier: Your turn.
Doctor: Oh. Of course. Alistair!!! You're looking younger every day! It's always a pleasure teaming up with you. Someone dependable... solid as a rock. By the way, Alistair. Thank you for keeping Charley away from me for a few hours, but also just for being here... I feel a lot safer now. Was that good enough?
Brigadier: Yeah, great. Huh. On with the plot.
Doctor: Oh, we've got a plot this time round, do we?
Brigadier: I knew a man who called himself the Doctor. I wish he were here, suffering this awful material instead of us. But no, nothing could be THAT contrived. And I've met some people in my time, Ms. Summers, who I believed were the lowest humanity was capable of sinking to. Few plum his depths. Of course, you're welcome to try...
Brigadier: Hold still, little girl! I won't take long to do you. No more than an hour or two. Honest! This is more fun and rewarding... for ME, obviously. Now then, what shall we play with next?
The final scene of the series -
Doctor: Off we go then, Charley. We can leave saving the universe from monsters for another day, all right? Where to now? Let's just go somewhere nice, quiet, and peaceful, and do a bit of stalking. Now, how about a quick perve at the Croissant Nebula? It's very pretty. Colors you've never dreamt of. Stars, gas clouds—
Charley: --and gravel quarries, no doubt.
Doctor: Ooooh, Charley! It's a beautiful universe out there. [sotto] And I'd rather explore it without YOU, beach ball belly...
UnQuotable Quote -
Giles: Well, that's comforting to hear.
Viewer Quotes -
"A blueprint for how NOT to do Doctor Who. But it's still a hell of a lot better than the entire JST era." - Andrew Beeblebrox (2002)
"This is just plain slander!"
- Buffy Anne Summers (2002 - after resurrection)
"It's right that Inuit in Hull should be the last in opening salvo from the Eighth Doctor and companion Charley. In fact, The Stoned of Venice would equal it in its 'last-story-ness'. Bugger it, this salvo should have been stopped before it started."
- a rather aggressive Doctor Who fan who hates Season 28 (1990)
"Ah, Rupert Giles, who wants to be the Doctor is a superb foil for the real thing, even beyond the initial ambiguity of his origins and motives, he remains interesting. But how much more interesting if he had actually been a Quirk?!?" - the Creator of a Quirks (1998)
"Like an expert showman, Inuit in Hull shows you total crap for two hours, swindles you out of all your cash, roughs you up for more, sells you into slavery, and then tells jokes about you behind your back."
- Iain M Banks (2000)
"For me though the most fascinating aspect of the story was the Doctor's cellmate. A performance that was a total revelation. Now I know Nicholas Briggs has played the Doctor on fan stories in the past - but this was a performance of real note. For much of the story he really thinks he is the Doctor, and acts accordingly - terrifically portrayed. Surely, his appearance in numerous audios, videos and comic strips MUST make him canon by now? He's better than all the other Doctors put together!" - Nick Briggs (2000)
"The Doctor and Giles are locked up safely in an Eskimo metal asylum, leaving their nubile charges to do whatever they damn well want. You know, it sounds like a total waste of time, but, I'm hauling ass to Tijuana anyway!" - Father James O'Malley (2000)
"First off I want to deal with the negative aspect of this story, certain yank accents. The accents of Richard III, Buffy and Serge will really piss off the Americans - they all have a think Icelandic twang. Is this something to do with the bewildering title, or because all the actors are utterly crap? You decide." - Dave Restal (2006)
"Bored now!"
- Stephen James-Walker at the beginning of every scene not featuring Charley (2003)
"Charley's 'Queen of Hell' costume isn't half as good as Emma Peel's 'Queen of Sin' outfit in The Avengers episode 'A Touch of Brimstone', also featuring a modern day Hellfire Club. Then I used my PhotoShop to create 'A Touch of Hull', the long awaited Doctor Who/Avengers crossover story where Charley and Emma get in on, Lesbian-Animal-Threesome style... WHAT?" - Nigel Verkoff (2006)
"Words fail me. Frequently." - Harpo Marx (1976)
"Whilst the tried and tested formula of landing on a planet leaving the TARDIS and embarking on an adventure will always be the most reliable back bone of any Doctor Who story, I do feel that the series does lend itself to approaching stories from another angle. My first reaction was that this story moves Doctor Who forward in the direction I would take if I were the producer - a dream that I'm sure most Whovians share. Wait a cotton-picking minute..." - Gay Russell (2004)
Psychotic Nostalgia -
"Ha! You call THAT a lunatic asylum? You could limbo out of those restraints! Pa-thet-ic! I know leather restraints you couldn't escape from, even if you DID dislocate your shoulder blades beforehand. Come on, I'll prove it... What are you, SCARED??"
Paul McGann Speaks!
"You know, there aren't many women I've met who can wear a red leather S&M outfit, high-heels and a fully mechanized expanding stomach and still look sexy. But India can. And she can do it very well. I'm not exactly sure WHY they decided that Charley would do the whole "Species II" inflation gig, because that stomach took up most of the space in the studio. We had to cut out any sequences entering and exiting the TARDIS because the doors were patently too small for Charley to enter. I remember suggesting we just get a wider police box prop, but then Russell began foaming at the mouth so I thought I best ignore it. I definitely decided not to ask why we had all this visual stuff when it was supposed to be an audio play... Yes, the line-up sure changed in Inuit in Hull. First, it was me, Charley and Serge and now it was me, Charley, and Charley's stomach. Of course, the stomach was never short when buying a round at the pub, and we were able to stuff a lot of legal and illegal substances inside. When the whole pregnancy plot was resolved, I gave my brother Mark the belly and he's been smuggling things in it ever since. Happy days."
India Fisher Speaks!
"Ah, the end of the first season, I remember it well. I loved the new approach to the companion stroke assistant stroke slut stroke my thigh. The idea of a truly illegitimate child that could be literally ANYONE'S. Woolworth's, Wishbone's, Pietro's, the Cyber Leader's... even that creature that copped a feel in Bored of Ironing. There was no way of telling what was going on inside me, and that was before the scripts were written. Plus I got a full-page spread in DWM showing me in full bloom pointing a finger at the Doctor. It was just a publicity shot, of course, and that's exactly what I told the press. Once Paul had coughed up the cash. Yes, Charley and I have a lot in common."
Nicholas Courtney Speaks!
"Ah, yes, Inuit in Hull. No idea what that was about. Some vampire-hooker nonsense, I'd be bound. I was only there to complete the set, I mean, if I let the chance to work with another Doctor go by, I'd be lynched on the spot. Actually though, the chances of the Brig meeting the Ninth Doctor are now pretty remote, what with me hurled into the universe of Anti-Matter and all that jazz. Liberty Hall, Mr. McGann. Liberty Hall! Yes, my relationship with the Eighth Doctor was a little out of the ordinary in that one, as we were both out to kill each other and, in a sense, he succeeded. Of course, working with the Doctor is always... well... rubbish. Whichever one's wearing the coat, they're all self-obsessed gits and I'm pleased to say Paul was no exception. Then were was India, of course... Yes. I thought that the Brig went out in a good way. His last scene in Doctor Who was shoving his head under Charley's breasts and going, "Blublbulublullu!" which, in retrospect, was the only logical end for the character."
Trivia -
This is apparently a cross-over with a popular American television series, but I can't be bothered confirm or deny if I'm allowed to remember if I can confirm or deny whether I can confirm or deny whether or not this is true.
Rumors & Facts -
The final story of Paul McGann's debut season was originally to be the psychological thriller, "A Shroud of Beer", in which the Doctor is psychologically traumatized by discovering his new body is allergic to every type of alcohol imaginable.
The BF production crew thought this would be a bit too radical a note to end the season on and would ruin several storylines for the next year, most specifically Mark Gattiss' "Evaders from Bars".
The author of "Shroud" was Alan W Lear (or 'King Lear' to his subjects), who Jacqueline Rayner had suggested on the grounds that he wasn't Nicholas Briggs.
Lear had written several stories for Briggs' unsettling series of profit-only Doctor Who stories, Oddly Videos, and been submitting stories to the real Doctor Who stories since before the show actually started.
An avid viewer, Lear got very annoyed with the genuine production team, believing the Doctor was getting too big for his boots. Indeed, nearly every storyline he had written was a variation of the same plot: the Doctor and his companions suffering pain, humiliation and self-doubt. Companions were served rather badly in Lear's scripts.
In "The Masochists of Leather" (1963), Susan was given an anal probe. In "The Hidden Peanut" (1964), Barbara was forced into drag; "The Pimps" (1966) saw Jamie with boiling water being poured down his kilt; "Operation: Where's Wally" (1967) featured Victoria given an all-over body wax. This bizarre fetish continued into Pertwee's reign and beyond. "The Shape of Trevor" (1972) had Jo driven absolutely mad. "Dustbins in Cricklewood" (1973) revolved around the Dustbins being covered in dog shit. Over the course of "Spaced Station" (1975), "Rooting King" (1976) and "The Mental Fault" (1977), saw Sarah Jane first being locked in a fridge, then blown up in a nuclear reactor, and forced to mud wrestle in treacle. K9 was used as a toaster in "Tearing Up the Mail" (1979), Romana running off with a clone of Tom Baker in "Seal Orders" (1980), Adric being fed to some crocodiles in "The Enemy Without" (1981), Peri being gang-raped in "The Ultimate Naughtiness" (1986), Ace being felt up by plants during "Bong" (1989) and a story featuring Cat Molester Jones on Mars in 1990.
Absolutely none of his ideas were taken up, mainly as they required a budget of over 21/2 p and had such things as plot, drama, cohesion and direction. When he was brutally beaten and shot in the lung by the BF production crew, Lear decided to reinvigorate his scripts by adding a plot.
Nick Briggs, yearning and aching to take over Paul McGann's role as the Doctor, cunningly suggested rewriting ANOTHER Oddly Video story, "Inuit in Hull". The script was mainly a rant about a nasty Eskimo living up the road and featured a neat plot twist where the Doctor doubted his own existence and it seemed a passer-by was the REAL Doctor. No one was remotely surprised when Briggs offered his services playing the said passer-by, or the suggestion that the climax be altered so the passer-by was confirmed as the Doctor and Paul McGann thrown back on the scrap heap from whence he came.
Although Gay Russell and Jason Haigh-Ellery had sworn on a copy of The Horny Nimoy that they would never do anything Briggs suggested ever again, even if only to shut him up, they quickly abandoned this when Briggs donned his Cyber Leader costume.
"Inuit in Hull" originally began with the Nth Doctor's companion Ria reprogramming the TARDIS console with a length of iron piping, causing the ship to crash in Hull, which has just been invaded by the most evil and ancient of the Time Lord's enemies - the Eskimos. Seeing the slant-eyed fishermen proves so bad to the Doctor's mental health he manages to convince his Bedlam cellmate that he is not the Doctor. Now believing himself to be the Time Lord, Becky Glove Smuggler strides into the lair of the Eskimos, who shoot him down like a dog. The Doctor and Ria escape in the Wine Peddler's handsome cab as Western Civilization collapses to the Communist Conspiracy.
Big Finish agreed to adapt "Inuit In Hull" on the condition it be used to bring Paul McGann's first season to a satisfying conclusion, tying up some loose ends, leave others waiting to be resolved, return the Doctor to America, give the eighth Doctor his first encounter with the Brigadier, and also involve a machete-waving seal cub running amok in a lunatic asylum.
JHE also suggested Lear give all the characters various degrees of amnesia, thus allowing piss-poor characterization to be dramatically justifiable. Lear, who by now was bed-ridden from the eyebrows down, found that agreeing to "a few easy changes" was comparable to "selling one's soul to the devil for half a pint of milk".
To be fair, they suggested these changes in the belief that Lear could simply use a 'find and replace' function on his word processor. Unfortunately, Lear was a notorious luddite and refused to work with anything but quill and ink. Briggs valiantly leant Lear his own portable electric typewriter – which Lear promptly demolished with a club, refusing to have any contact with it. Briggs then handed over some shitty PC he picked up at a car boot sale, only to have Lear use it to bludgeon him unconscious.
It was this act that convinced Big Finish to let Lear use his own methods of authoring.
With the trademarked BF gibbering panic, Lear frantically restructured "Inuit in Hull" abandoning the setting, characters, enemies and everything Russell considered total shite. Lear had wanted the help of his co-writer, Puck, who mysteriously vanished. Briggs stepped in to fill the gap and suggested a bit more material about the Doctor's psychological trauma and the possibility that an innocent bystander (the name of which was suggested "Nicholas Briggs") would take over the reigns of Time Lordom and rule the cosmos. He also suggested that the gimmick of the story was that the Brigadier only ever met this new Doctor and not the McGann version. Lear insisted that the "maybe-Doctor" should stop being a Cyberman-fetishist and part-time actor and instead become an aging Californian hippy.
This was rejected on the grounds that not only was it too similar to Paul McGann's real-life status, but decent accents was borderline impossible to do amongst Big Finish's "acting skills".
Due to the extreme lack of actors, nearly all the cast members were ransacked from the remaining stories in the season, and so it was rapidly explained that a time storm had whisked the crew of the Vanguard, Pietro and Woolworth to this particular point in the causal nexus in order to keep the audience credulous.
Five minutes after reading the literally back-breaking rewrites Lear had performed, Russell suggested it was probably better off the way before and told Lear to fix it. However, a bizarre side effect of this story has the character of Doctor Alan Partridge now being performed by high-class space vixen-cum-Pokémon, Deeva Jansen.
In order to get his own back on Russell, Lear added a scene where the Doctor gives Giles a handy list of companions, including 'Sam Niell', which threw the whole canonicity of BFP into a dispute that lasts to this day.
Indeed, so desperate was the team to remove this script-albatross that they edited out the entire sequence. Unfortunately, this was the sequence that justified most of the plot.
In order to replace it, a DVD of Buffy The Vampire Slayer season 3 was played to a number of reaction shots. This had the welcome side effect of erasing "Nicholas Briggs" from the narrative and replacing him with Anthony Stewart-Head's Rupert Giles, which cancelled out the final scenes of the story where Nick Briggs takes on the mantle of the Doctor, and head off into the wild blue yonder accompanied by Richard the Cyberman.
Lear's sabotage attempt may have ultimately restored Inuit in Hull, but it stuffed up any future attempts to get work from Big Finish. His proposed Fifth Doctor story lines – Riders of the Vartex, Honeycombs of Traken, The Wow Factor and The Crabs of the Shadow – were routinely rejected, binned, plagiarized and released under new names.
Gay Russell insisted that, since he had done most of the work on Inuit in Hull, he should get equal credit as author. Lear cautiously agreed, only to find a counter-claim from Nicholas Briggs that, although, yes, ninety-eight per cent of the material he'd written hadn't actually been used, he should get something for his troubles. Gay Russell decided instead to hand over Lear's fee to Briggs to keep him quiet and had Lear removed from the building by the nearest Garm impersonator.
Lear was last heard of in 2002 swearing that, somehow, someway, he would ensure that the entire cast of Riverdance would dance on Gay Russell's testicles and reduce them to dust.
As Russell gets countless such death threats, no notice was taken.
Season 28 Wrap-Up -
Season 28 was one of the most transitional and erotic seasons in the whole of Doctor Who. This was down to one thing - Charley Pollard.
In 1989, the idea of de-emphasizing the Doctor in favor of his companion was seen to be a idea nuttier than squirrel shit, but now seems eminently sensible.
The sixteen episodes since her arrival was quite simply HER story, the story of an Edwardian Adventuress who had a dream of taking the whole cosmos roughly from behind.
However, in fairness, Paul McGann is brilliant as the topsy-turvy Doctor with his vast emotional range, which mainly consists of a lust/hate relationship with a woman who's libido rivals his own.
Anyone in their right minds would be impressed with Charley's vital statistics and the way she makes a disgustingly advanced state of pregnancy look kind of cool is causing a population explosion throughout the western world.
Season 28 made every single story an 'event' and vital to the canon, thus no real Who fan could do without it - a clever ploy that made Big Finish big bucks.
The stories introduce a new Doctor, a new companion, and brought back the Bastard, the Cybermen, the Brigadier and Michael Sheard. Sick Morning was a far smarter choice to launch the season that the originally planed The Stoned of Venice, mainly because it had a point and wasn't simply an excuse for every single member of the cast and crew to get high. Bored of Ironing is a space filler, and proves that, if nothing else, you should never listen to Nick Briggs. The Stoned of Venice, despite taking Doctor Who away from the norms of broadcastable entertainment, is easily most loyal to the TV Movie - suggesting that seriously intense chemicals were used in the formation of the Enema Within. Finally, the brain-bleedingly long Inuit in Hull offers a brothel, a vampire slayer, a huge bloody vacuum cleaner, a newborn US state, a bloodthirsty seal pup and an appearance of Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart for reasons it's best not to go into right now.
All four stories are rescued by Charley, and her diverse approaches to intercourse can clearly be seen as an influence on the next season. Charley works best on Earth, preferably in the red light district, or at least in a setting which is steeped in depravity.
The Doctor's presence and fear of their offspring wasn't worth exploring, but there are better ways of creating characterization than with a deranged homicidal sea-bound mammal who only appears in the beginning and end of stories.
For a second season, the Doctor and Charley WOULD be back and, yes, it really WOULD be about sex and drugs and rock and roll...
Showing posts with label Season 28. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Season 28. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
8th Doctor - Minuet in Hell (i)
Serial 8E - Inuit in Hull
An Alternative Program Guide by Ewen Campion-Clarke
Sixth Entry in the EC Unauthorized Program Guide O' Magik Chocolate
D O C T O R W H O
Serial 8A - Inuit in Hull -
"The legends of Gallifrey speak of a world where everything is horror... horror and pain and chocolate hobnobs. A world from where there is no escape from the creatures that crawl on the crust of the land of the lost, and the stupid, and the dumber and the dumb... The legends of Gallifrey speak of a world and the name of the world they speak of... is Hull. Hull is where I have come to at last... And there can be no escape. I cannot escape... London's own... Hull."
Part One - Inuit in Hull
Under the guidance of immortal, unscrupulous and hunchbacked Richard Wilkins III, Sunnydale will soon become the fifty-first state of the Union. Richard III and his cronies have been celebrating at the Naughty Hellfire Club. Those cronies include several prominent officials and businessmen who believe that they have seen Richard III drink a yard of vindaloo sauce.
Richard III should have little trouble maintaining his hold on the power in the new state via his armies of vampires, demons and double-glazing salesmen plus the fact that rival politicians in Sunnydale have the average life expectancy of a Spinal Tap drummer.
Elsewhere, a new arrival is having a far less pleasant time of it; he's locked up in a lunatic asylum, where he's been keeping his irritated cellmate awake with his insane babbling about the polarity of the neutron flow.
The madman's cellmate claims to be a British librarian, but the madman himself can't remember who is, how he got here, where his car keys are or why he's so concerned that somebody called Charley might find him again.
A tourist group are lead past the various inmates since a nuthouse full of deranged psychotics is actually one of the safest items of interest in Sunnydale. The British Librarian, Rupert Giles beseeches passers by that he "really shouldn't be here" - true, he caused a bit of chaos last night, running mad on the streets, howling at the moon but he was out of teabags. What else could he do?
However, one of the tourists is Alistair Lethbridge-Stewart (former Brigadier who recently advised on the creation of a new Parliament for Brigadoon) who has been invited to Sunnydale to give the new state the benefit of his experience. Thus, he requests that Giles immediately be given some good old-fashioned public flogging.
The commotion disturbs other nameless patient, who recognizes Lethbridge-Stewart and considers him a friend. Lethbridge-Stewart says he's never seen the man before in his life.
"B-but Brigadier," the Doctor croaks. "It's me, the Doctor! I've just regenerated again!"
"Regen-a-what?" the old soldier replies. "Never heard of it - or you."
"What about the Autons? And the Silly-Lurians! The Ambassadors of Sex? The Bastard? Dustbins? Cybermen? Have you forgotten about them?"
"Of course not," the Brigadier whispers. "Just shut up and act normal."
"Oh, you recognize me then?" the Time Lord hisses back.
"Course I do, Doctor. I'd recognize that vacant stare anywhere."
"Then you're going to get me out of here?"
"Uh... Sure. You bet. Might take a while though."
Lethbridge-Stewart leaves, telling Doctor Deeva Jansen that he knows the patient of old and is quite clearly mad and death will be a blessed release. The Doctor relaxes, knowing that his old friend will rescue him before Charley can find him.
The tour of the nuthouse showcases the latest technology is being used to cure mental illness patients - a large vacuum cleaner that is fitted into the patients' ear and sucks out all the nastyness of the brain. So far, every test case has ended in horrible, bloody mutilation, but Deeva is certain that it will be "859th time lucky".
Lethbridge-Stewart isn't entirely satisfied with what he's seen today, mainly because he suspects that the Doctor may survive the BSO (Brain-Sucker-Outer) process and be allowed out into the universe again.
As Lethbridge-Stewart leaves, Richard III reveals to Deeva that he's tried to look into their visitor's background, and has found that he was originally an oranutang.
He's right to be suspicious, for Lethbridge-Stewart is in fact on an undercover mission so secret not even HE knows what to do with the information he has gathered...
Charley, meanwhile, is in a dormitory which she is expected to share with a number of other girls. Charley has no idea how she came to be here but isn't going to look a gift-horse in the mouth.
The chirpy young Buffy Summers explains that the girls were all picked up by some men in a big blue bus and brought here. Unlike the dazed Charley, Buffy tried to run for it, at least until they started to shoot at her. Richard III's associate Deeva Jensen arrives and introduces herself to the girls as their new Superior Mistress; they have been arrested for vagrancy, and thus are very naughty girls. However, they have been given a chance to serve as hostesses in an exclusive gentlemen's club - The Randy Old Perverts Society.
As Deeva leaves, Charley tries to remember her friend, who would kill be in this club. However, Buffy's vital statistics have erased this information - and how she got here - from the table of her mind. Nevertheless, she remembers enough history to understand that this is a recreation of the original Naughty Hellfire Club from the 1760s.
Her fears that this must be a watered-down version, without the devil worship and orgies is luckily misplaced - in fact, most of that started before they even entered the room. Richard III sends Deeva back to the nuthouse on the pretence that Lethbridge-Stewart may return and steal the BSO to clean his flat with, but really he just wants to scope out Charley in private.
Meanwhile, the Doctor calmly waits for a daring-last minute rescue as Giles and Deeva drag him over to the BSO and prepare to suck out his useless brain and replace it with warm porridge, thus making the model Sunnydale citizen out of him.
The Doctor is not troubled, certain that any second Lethbridge-Stewart will arrive and rescue him. Deeva plugs the Doctor into the BSO and switches it on - but Giles has reversed the polarity of the neutron flow! The BSO blows the Doctor across the room and he cries out for the Brigadier to save him.
Back at his hotel room, the Brigadier has fallen asleep in the arms of a prostitute, a dreamy smile on his face...
Part Two - They're Scheming
The Doctor is plunged into a maelstrom - demonic voices and laughter echo in the Doctor's head, but these are actually the voices of his past incarnations damning him for getting his companion pregnant and being declared insane by a bunch of Americans.
The Doctor recovers, determined to kill Charley with his own bare hands and return to Britain at once. He flees the nuthouse easily as municipal cutbacks have made locks and bolts an unnecessary luxury in a mental asylum, and heads for the alleyway where he crash-landed the TARDIS. There, he is reunited with Lethbridge-Stewart and pleads for assistance.
The Brigadier tells the Time Lord that the plan is working perfectly and just requires a little more time, and he leads the Doctor back to the asylum.
Orderlies return the Doctor to his cell, swearing violently as he kicks them in the goolies, shouting that he is a Master of all Time and Space AND WILL NOT BE DENIED - at least, that is, until they chloroform him, put him in a straightjacket and dump him in a cell.
Lethbridge-Stewart requests an inquiry into his escape, and promises to return the next day to check up on the Doctor's condition, expecting him to be lobotomized by dawn. He then heads back to the hotel and orders another prostitute.
Buffy and Charley are confronted by a club member - but Buffy doesn't like shagging living people and so uses some badly-edited kung fu moves to fling about the club members and knocking them out.
Buffy, Willow and Cordelia flee to freedom and fetches their proper clothing, but Charley insists that there is no hurry. Buffy explains she is Vampire Slayer and is stopping this town from falling prey to evil and lust. Charley replies that she's doing a shit job: they're in the Naughty Hellfire Club (Sunnydale Division) for crying out loud.
Buffy spanks her into silence, which I think was the point of Charley's criticism. Much obliged, the girls head for the local library to the one man in this town who can help her.
Unfortunately, he's been taken captive by a mental asylum and Xander's not interested. He points out that they have no plan of attack or even a decent weapon - if only there had been some blackmailing film of the officials courting in the club.
Charley replies there was, but she lost it, and promises to make up for her transgression with a nice massage. Xander is instantly mollified while Willow, sickened at the intimations of her own sexuality, decides to investigate the asylum to find Giles. However, she trips and sprains her ankle, so Charley will just have to kiss it better.
Richard III broods over the presence of Lethbridge-Stewart, the Doctor's sabotage to the BSO, the foolish move of trying to get a Vampire Slayer to work for him at a Shag Palace, and the fact that his evil plan to conquer the world is under threat by forces unknown.
His followers pledge mediocre loyalty to him, and he decides to hire Serge the Seal to hunt down and kill the Vampire Slayer. It takes a short while to communicate this fact, as Serge mistakenly identities half of the ROPs as the murderers of his family and kills them all with his weapons of mass destruction.
Temporarily sane, Serge heads for the library and locates Charley, who has finished shagging the Scooby gang and going for a long-awaited shower. Picking up a knife, the insane sea mammal creeps towards the shower block...
The Doctor recovers in his cell, blitzed out of his head on laudanum. Giles snaps that the Time Lord is clearly delusional - does he really expect Giles to believe that his cellmate is an alien traveler through time and space?
Any sane person would have done what Giles has done - acted calmly and rationally to convince Deeva that he was not mad after all. Surely a Time Lord, far superior to the run-of-the-mill human, would have done the same.
The Doctor nods thoughtfully, and is struck by an epiphany - Rupert Giles must be the REAL Doctor!
Part Three - Indent Orgy Isis
Giles explains that he is simply a Watcher from an old order sent to America to guide and monitor Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and the Doctor applauds him, complimenting the imagination of the cover story and the will to maintain it.
The Doctor explains that he, himself, is just a passing nutter and that Giles is in fact the real Time Lord adventurer. He tells Giles just how the real Doctor and Charley ended up in this predicament:
----
It started after they left Venice, when the Doctor planned to visit his American friend Grace and get her to perform an abortion but decided to release Serge back into the wild first.
Charley was disappointed to see her pet leave, but the Doctor knew that Serge was still insane; his apparently tame disposition was only due to his recent sexual activity.
Indeed, as they materialized in a back alley in Sunnydale, the Doctor lured Serge to the doors and had Charley open them, expelling Serge out into the American town. However, a stray shot from Serge's machine gun triggered the TARDIS' seldom used Quantum Jump function, causing a wibbly wobbly swirling thing that left both the Doctor and an innocent passer-by utterly insane and babbling about evil Dustbins.
Charley wandered off, slightly dazed, after the completely dazed Serge and was captured by a blue van while the Doctor and the passer-by were taken to the mental asylum.
----
Giles points out that HE is the passer-by, and not the Doctor, but the Doctor simply replies that Giles is humoring him out of kindness. He can prove that Giles is the real Doctor by asking him twenty questions about Doctor Who trivia: the name of the next Big Finish release, the fate of Victoria Waterfield, the scientific reasoning behind the neutron flow.
Giles is unable to answer any of them, which seems proof enough to the Doctor, who bullshitted his way through such explanations before. Giles suspects that the Doctor is trying to pass himself off as an innocent American so that Giles will be the one lumbered with Charley and the Doctor will get Buffy and the Scooby gang.
The Doctor can only admire "the Doctor's" ratio-incentive powers.
Meanwhile, Charley is about to be stabbed in the high school showers by a cloaked figure in a ghost mask - who is promptly shot dead by Serge, who wants to finish the job.
Charley runs out into the night with a distinct lack of clothes. Not that I'm complaining or anything.
In one of life's funny little turns, Charley is promptly arrested for vagrancy AND public nudity and returned to the Naughty Hellfire Club. Richard III recognizes her at once and especially now that she's naked, decides to make Charley his bride, the Queen of Hell.
Serge is amused when Deeva demands to know what Charley has that SHE hasn't. Richard III simply replies, "Just look at her! I mean, you're a damn Pokémon and she's... whoa."
Buffy contacts Lethbridge-Stewart, and after some initial confusion over whether or not she is the hooker he ordered half an hour ago, they sort out that he is not Charley Pollard's friend the Doctor and indeed, has never heard of the man and if she mentions him again he will have her killed by snipers.
To show her that they are still friends, the Brigadier takes Buffy to the alley, where she spots a weird blue box hidden some ways down the alleyway. Lethbridge-Stewart fails to see it despite the fact he's standing right in front of it and claims that there is no proof, in any way, shape or form that his old... acquaintance the Doctor could be involved.
Buffy explains that rogue Pokémon Deeva Jansen runs both the Naughty Hellfire Club and the mental asylum, who are worried by a mysterious inhuman patient with two hearts calling himself the Doctor who travels in a blue box identical to the one before them. Lethbridge-Stewart concedes that there is the slightest possibility that the Doctor could be involved.
At her request, Charley has been allowed to change into her old clothes: a spiked, red leather costume which SO works for Serge, who watches her from hiding. Richard III, meanwhile, is snacking on a crate of McDonald's spider-burgers, in order to create a McGuffin that will transform him into a thirty-foot snake.
Serge laughs in the Mayor's face - that kind of plan definitely has its roots in subconscious over-compensation. Richard III tires of his little seal assassin's taunting and kicks him out on the street, reminding him that there is still the Scooby gang to fill full of holes. Soon he will have no need for either the lovesick Deeva or the insolent Serge, but can he ever rid himself of his strange attraction to small, furry animals?
Maybe, later. When he's a giant snake. Hopefully.
Using a handy motorcycle, Buffy and Lethbridge-Stewart use the subtle approach to enter the lunatic asylum, smashing down all the doors and running over unlucky security guards.
In the main complex they find two British men, each claiming that the other is the enigmatic "Doctor" and that they are "Rupert Giles". Buffy cannot tell them apart and Lethbridge-Stewart pretends to be too interested in the carpet to pay any attention.
Deeva Jansen arrives and snatches one of the patients for another go at the BSO. This is the real Doctor, who recognizes his failed attempt at a companion has somehow managed to travel from deep space in the far future to 21st century California - how?
Deeva explains she simply reverted to her original form of a small, furry creature from Alpha Centauri and snuck inside the TARDIS. While the Doctor, Charley and Serge have been having their domestic arguments, she time-traveled back here and started a new life for herself. Indeed, she chose this particular point in the canvas of eternity simply because its the closest equivalent to a place that accepts Pokémon as people. Not much, but close.
Now, she plans to blow the Doctor's mind to keep her secret safe. The Doctor begs Deeva to give him another chance - he never loved Charley and she knows it! Instead, she connects him to the BSO machine once again, and as he continues to protest in vain, she switches on...
Richard III's plan is working brilliantly - soon he will be governor of Sunnydale, and from there he will move on to the White House and finally become a huge snake. But first, to celebrate his victory, he has Charley brought in and decides to use an evil magic spell to turn her into... a Furby!
Part Four - Insane
Charley promptly falls over, and Richard III curses the rotten luck that the one blonde he fancies is immune to all magic. However, it quickly becomes apparent to the Mayor that Charley is so IMPURE that all the magic has earthed itself down to the closest she has to innocence - her developing fetus.
Disgusted at this development, and the thought of a 1/3rd human 1/3rd Time Lord 1/3 Furby, Richard III throws her back on the streets and decides to admit his love of Deeva Jansen and slaughter everyone he meets when he turns into a snake. This sort of thing is too embarrassing to let ANYONE know, and he quickly lets Serge loose on the rest of the Club members.
Charley heads for the local lunatic asylum on the assumption it's the only place the nutters she knows would end up and finds the Doctor connected to the BSO machine. Luckily, the last patients' brain is still stuck in the pipe and so the Doctor can be rescued.
Upon realizing who Charley is, the Doctor screams and tries to fix the BSO and put himself out of his misery, and then has a brainwave and tries to plug Charley into it.
Buffy, Giles and Lethbridge-Stewart arrive in the lab and the Doctor demands to know why the Brigadier took his time trying to rescue his unpaid scientific advisor, but Giles leaps on this and conclusively proves that the Doctor is really himself!
Before this conversation can become any more existential, Deeva arrives with a chainsaw-wielding Serge in tow.
Serge recognizes Buffy as the murderer of his parents and promptly chains her to the ceiling with Deeva's help as Buffy cannot bring herself to harm such a cute little animal.
The Doctor points out that Deeva looks cuter than Buffy when she's a cute little animal and Buffy breaks free and runs rampart, smashing and wrecking everything in sight. As the trio runs around the set again and again, the Doctor admits his reasons for pretending to be Giles and how Charley has screwed up his whole life.
Lethbridge-Stewart refuses point blank the possibility the Doctor could get a girl pregnant, and the Doctor suggests he listen to Charley's flat stomach.
However, the hideous mutant baby she carries suddenly goes through a growth spurt.
Her belly swells up like a balloon and knocks the former-Brigadier headfirst into the BSO, which explodes outwards into a huge gaping maw.
Deeva, Serge and Lethbridge-Stewart are so perfectly annihilated that they are sucked into another dimension altogether, and the lunatic asylum crumbles to dust around them. The psychotic inmates run in every direction as the police arrive.
The Doctor decides to leave this one up to Buffy and Giles and he runs to the TARDIS at top speed. Charley waddles after him, worried that she might soon give birth to a Care Bear or something.
The Doctor sincerely doubts that - the callous way it wiped out the Doctor's longest-serving regular character shows it has some goodness in it after all.
He suggests that he take Charley to the birthing pools of the Croesus Nebula and tells her to stay by the doors. We see the TARDIS is set for the Black Hole of Cygnus, and the Doctor grins evilly...
Book(s)/Other Related –
Doctor Who Thinks He's An Inuit In Hull
Psycho Ward 10: Special Celebrity Issue
Crazy Loon, All of them: The Autobiography of General Alistair Gordon Lethbridge-Stewart
Fluffs - Paul McGann seemed scarily wide-eyed and calm for this story.
Goofs –
Um... what the hell does the title have to do with the four episodes shown here?
The Doctor is convinced he is trapped in Hull. Why?
The Brigadier is able to switch between hookers instantaneously. While this may be possible with our current technology, I personally do not know how this was pulled off and so refuse to let it lie until someone tells me how!
Serge leaves his chainsaw in the middle of the Pentagram, but has it back when Buffy's dangling from the ceiling by fishing wire.
Just what WAS Giles doing in that alleyway?
Fashion Victims –
Charley's electric blue pubic hair
Technobabble –
"This is a Popplewell-Beaker Transsential Mark 5! What the hell are you on, Brigadier?!? All I wanted was a coffee maker, for Christ's sake!"
Links and References -
Deeva Jansen returns from Bored of Ironing, proving that adventure happened.
Serge the Seal returns after an absence of seven episodes (Bored of Ironing Part 1) and goes on for an absence that will last the next six years.
Untelevised Misadventures -
The Doctor once tried to get Abraham Lincoln to star in an advertisement for 'Mentos: The Freshmaker', which would have had a joke ending when the President was accidentally shot by the Doctor. However, Charley was using the fake gun in a way that is not printable here [but let's say no one was brave enough to touch it for months afterwards until a sad, perfected fan froze it in crystal and sold it on eBay]. A replacement was found for the rehearsal. Unfortunately, it was real, as were the bullets. Charley still laughs about it.
Groovy DVD Extras -
A sing-a-long feature that looks suspiciously like the captions staying on no matter what you do to the remote.
An Alternative Program Guide by Ewen Campion-Clarke
Sixth Entry in the EC Unauthorized Program Guide O' Magik Chocolate
D O C T O R W H O
Serial 8A - Inuit in Hull -
"The legends of Gallifrey speak of a world where everything is horror... horror and pain and chocolate hobnobs. A world from where there is no escape from the creatures that crawl on the crust of the land of the lost, and the stupid, and the dumber and the dumb... The legends of Gallifrey speak of a world and the name of the world they speak of... is Hull. Hull is where I have come to at last... And there can be no escape. I cannot escape... London's own... Hull."
Part One - Inuit in Hull
Under the guidance of immortal, unscrupulous and hunchbacked Richard Wilkins III, Sunnydale will soon become the fifty-first state of the Union. Richard III and his cronies have been celebrating at the Naughty Hellfire Club. Those cronies include several prominent officials and businessmen who believe that they have seen Richard III drink a yard of vindaloo sauce.
Richard III should have little trouble maintaining his hold on the power in the new state via his armies of vampires, demons and double-glazing salesmen plus the fact that rival politicians in Sunnydale have the average life expectancy of a Spinal Tap drummer.
Elsewhere, a new arrival is having a far less pleasant time of it; he's locked up in a lunatic asylum, where he's been keeping his irritated cellmate awake with his insane babbling about the polarity of the neutron flow.
The madman's cellmate claims to be a British librarian, but the madman himself can't remember who is, how he got here, where his car keys are or why he's so concerned that somebody called Charley might find him again.
A tourist group are lead past the various inmates since a nuthouse full of deranged psychotics is actually one of the safest items of interest in Sunnydale. The British Librarian, Rupert Giles beseeches passers by that he "really shouldn't be here" - true, he caused a bit of chaos last night, running mad on the streets, howling at the moon but he was out of teabags. What else could he do?
However, one of the tourists is Alistair Lethbridge-Stewart (former Brigadier who recently advised on the creation of a new Parliament for Brigadoon) who has been invited to Sunnydale to give the new state the benefit of his experience. Thus, he requests that Giles immediately be given some good old-fashioned public flogging.
The commotion disturbs other nameless patient, who recognizes Lethbridge-Stewart and considers him a friend. Lethbridge-Stewart says he's never seen the man before in his life.
"B-but Brigadier," the Doctor croaks. "It's me, the Doctor! I've just regenerated again!"
"Regen-a-what?" the old soldier replies. "Never heard of it - or you."
"What about the Autons? And the Silly-Lurians! The Ambassadors of Sex? The Bastard? Dustbins? Cybermen? Have you forgotten about them?"
"Of course not," the Brigadier whispers. "Just shut up and act normal."
"Oh, you recognize me then?" the Time Lord hisses back.
"Course I do, Doctor. I'd recognize that vacant stare anywhere."
"Then you're going to get me out of here?"
"Uh... Sure. You bet. Might take a while though."
Lethbridge-Stewart leaves, telling Doctor Deeva Jansen that he knows the patient of old and is quite clearly mad and death will be a blessed release. The Doctor relaxes, knowing that his old friend will rescue him before Charley can find him.
The tour of the nuthouse showcases the latest technology is being used to cure mental illness patients - a large vacuum cleaner that is fitted into the patients' ear and sucks out all the nastyness of the brain. So far, every test case has ended in horrible, bloody mutilation, but Deeva is certain that it will be "859th time lucky".
Lethbridge-Stewart isn't entirely satisfied with what he's seen today, mainly because he suspects that the Doctor may survive the BSO (Brain-Sucker-Outer) process and be allowed out into the universe again.
As Lethbridge-Stewart leaves, Richard III reveals to Deeva that he's tried to look into their visitor's background, and has found that he was originally an oranutang.
He's right to be suspicious, for Lethbridge-Stewart is in fact on an undercover mission so secret not even HE knows what to do with the information he has gathered...
Charley, meanwhile, is in a dormitory which she is expected to share with a number of other girls. Charley has no idea how she came to be here but isn't going to look a gift-horse in the mouth.
The chirpy young Buffy Summers explains that the girls were all picked up by some men in a big blue bus and brought here. Unlike the dazed Charley, Buffy tried to run for it, at least until they started to shoot at her. Richard III's associate Deeva Jensen arrives and introduces herself to the girls as their new Superior Mistress; they have been arrested for vagrancy, and thus are very naughty girls. However, they have been given a chance to serve as hostesses in an exclusive gentlemen's club - The Randy Old Perverts Society.
As Deeva leaves, Charley tries to remember her friend, who would kill be in this club. However, Buffy's vital statistics have erased this information - and how she got here - from the table of her mind. Nevertheless, she remembers enough history to understand that this is a recreation of the original Naughty Hellfire Club from the 1760s.
Her fears that this must be a watered-down version, without the devil worship and orgies is luckily misplaced - in fact, most of that started before they even entered the room. Richard III sends Deeva back to the nuthouse on the pretence that Lethbridge-Stewart may return and steal the BSO to clean his flat with, but really he just wants to scope out Charley in private.
Meanwhile, the Doctor calmly waits for a daring-last minute rescue as Giles and Deeva drag him over to the BSO and prepare to suck out his useless brain and replace it with warm porridge, thus making the model Sunnydale citizen out of him.
The Doctor is not troubled, certain that any second Lethbridge-Stewart will arrive and rescue him. Deeva plugs the Doctor into the BSO and switches it on - but Giles has reversed the polarity of the neutron flow! The BSO blows the Doctor across the room and he cries out for the Brigadier to save him.
Back at his hotel room, the Brigadier has fallen asleep in the arms of a prostitute, a dreamy smile on his face...
Part Two - They're Scheming
The Doctor is plunged into a maelstrom - demonic voices and laughter echo in the Doctor's head, but these are actually the voices of his past incarnations damning him for getting his companion pregnant and being declared insane by a bunch of Americans.
The Doctor recovers, determined to kill Charley with his own bare hands and return to Britain at once. He flees the nuthouse easily as municipal cutbacks have made locks and bolts an unnecessary luxury in a mental asylum, and heads for the alleyway where he crash-landed the TARDIS. There, he is reunited with Lethbridge-Stewart and pleads for assistance.
The Brigadier tells the Time Lord that the plan is working perfectly and just requires a little more time, and he leads the Doctor back to the asylum.
Orderlies return the Doctor to his cell, swearing violently as he kicks them in the goolies, shouting that he is a Master of all Time and Space AND WILL NOT BE DENIED - at least, that is, until they chloroform him, put him in a straightjacket and dump him in a cell.
Lethbridge-Stewart requests an inquiry into his escape, and promises to return the next day to check up on the Doctor's condition, expecting him to be lobotomized by dawn. He then heads back to the hotel and orders another prostitute.
Buffy and Charley are confronted by a club member - but Buffy doesn't like shagging living people and so uses some badly-edited kung fu moves to fling about the club members and knocking them out.
Buffy, Willow and Cordelia flee to freedom and fetches their proper clothing, but Charley insists that there is no hurry. Buffy explains she is Vampire Slayer and is stopping this town from falling prey to evil and lust. Charley replies that she's doing a shit job: they're in the Naughty Hellfire Club (Sunnydale Division) for crying out loud.
Buffy spanks her into silence, which I think was the point of Charley's criticism. Much obliged, the girls head for the local library to the one man in this town who can help her.
Unfortunately, he's been taken captive by a mental asylum and Xander's not interested. He points out that they have no plan of attack or even a decent weapon - if only there had been some blackmailing film of the officials courting in the club.
Charley replies there was, but she lost it, and promises to make up for her transgression with a nice massage. Xander is instantly mollified while Willow, sickened at the intimations of her own sexuality, decides to investigate the asylum to find Giles. However, she trips and sprains her ankle, so Charley will just have to kiss it better.
Richard III broods over the presence of Lethbridge-Stewart, the Doctor's sabotage to the BSO, the foolish move of trying to get a Vampire Slayer to work for him at a Shag Palace, and the fact that his evil plan to conquer the world is under threat by forces unknown.
His followers pledge mediocre loyalty to him, and he decides to hire Serge the Seal to hunt down and kill the Vampire Slayer. It takes a short while to communicate this fact, as Serge mistakenly identities half of the ROPs as the murderers of his family and kills them all with his weapons of mass destruction.
Temporarily sane, Serge heads for the library and locates Charley, who has finished shagging the Scooby gang and going for a long-awaited shower. Picking up a knife, the insane sea mammal creeps towards the shower block...
The Doctor recovers in his cell, blitzed out of his head on laudanum. Giles snaps that the Time Lord is clearly delusional - does he really expect Giles to believe that his cellmate is an alien traveler through time and space?
Any sane person would have done what Giles has done - acted calmly and rationally to convince Deeva that he was not mad after all. Surely a Time Lord, far superior to the run-of-the-mill human, would have done the same.
The Doctor nods thoughtfully, and is struck by an epiphany - Rupert Giles must be the REAL Doctor!
Part Three - Indent Orgy Isis
Giles explains that he is simply a Watcher from an old order sent to America to guide and monitor Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and the Doctor applauds him, complimenting the imagination of the cover story and the will to maintain it.
The Doctor explains that he, himself, is just a passing nutter and that Giles is in fact the real Time Lord adventurer. He tells Giles just how the real Doctor and Charley ended up in this predicament:
----
It started after they left Venice, when the Doctor planned to visit his American friend Grace and get her to perform an abortion but decided to release Serge back into the wild first.
Charley was disappointed to see her pet leave, but the Doctor knew that Serge was still insane; his apparently tame disposition was only due to his recent sexual activity.
Indeed, as they materialized in a back alley in Sunnydale, the Doctor lured Serge to the doors and had Charley open them, expelling Serge out into the American town. However, a stray shot from Serge's machine gun triggered the TARDIS' seldom used Quantum Jump function, causing a wibbly wobbly swirling thing that left both the Doctor and an innocent passer-by utterly insane and babbling about evil Dustbins.
Charley wandered off, slightly dazed, after the completely dazed Serge and was captured by a blue van while the Doctor and the passer-by were taken to the mental asylum.
----
Giles points out that HE is the passer-by, and not the Doctor, but the Doctor simply replies that Giles is humoring him out of kindness. He can prove that Giles is the real Doctor by asking him twenty questions about Doctor Who trivia: the name of the next Big Finish release, the fate of Victoria Waterfield, the scientific reasoning behind the neutron flow.
Giles is unable to answer any of them, which seems proof enough to the Doctor, who bullshitted his way through such explanations before. Giles suspects that the Doctor is trying to pass himself off as an innocent American so that Giles will be the one lumbered with Charley and the Doctor will get Buffy and the Scooby gang.
The Doctor can only admire "the Doctor's" ratio-incentive powers.
Meanwhile, Charley is about to be stabbed in the high school showers by a cloaked figure in a ghost mask - who is promptly shot dead by Serge, who wants to finish the job.
Charley runs out into the night with a distinct lack of clothes. Not that I'm complaining or anything.
In one of life's funny little turns, Charley is promptly arrested for vagrancy AND public nudity and returned to the Naughty Hellfire Club. Richard III recognizes her at once and especially now that she's naked, decides to make Charley his bride, the Queen of Hell.
Serge is amused when Deeva demands to know what Charley has that SHE hasn't. Richard III simply replies, "Just look at her! I mean, you're a damn Pokémon and she's... whoa."
Buffy contacts Lethbridge-Stewart, and after some initial confusion over whether or not she is the hooker he ordered half an hour ago, they sort out that he is not Charley Pollard's friend the Doctor and indeed, has never heard of the man and if she mentions him again he will have her killed by snipers.
To show her that they are still friends, the Brigadier takes Buffy to the alley, where she spots a weird blue box hidden some ways down the alleyway. Lethbridge-Stewart fails to see it despite the fact he's standing right in front of it and claims that there is no proof, in any way, shape or form that his old... acquaintance the Doctor could be involved.
Buffy explains that rogue Pokémon Deeva Jansen runs both the Naughty Hellfire Club and the mental asylum, who are worried by a mysterious inhuman patient with two hearts calling himself the Doctor who travels in a blue box identical to the one before them. Lethbridge-Stewart concedes that there is the slightest possibility that the Doctor could be involved.
At her request, Charley has been allowed to change into her old clothes: a spiked, red leather costume which SO works for Serge, who watches her from hiding. Richard III, meanwhile, is snacking on a crate of McDonald's spider-burgers, in order to create a McGuffin that will transform him into a thirty-foot snake.
Serge laughs in the Mayor's face - that kind of plan definitely has its roots in subconscious over-compensation. Richard III tires of his little seal assassin's taunting and kicks him out on the street, reminding him that there is still the Scooby gang to fill full of holes. Soon he will have no need for either the lovesick Deeva or the insolent Serge, but can he ever rid himself of his strange attraction to small, furry animals?
Maybe, later. When he's a giant snake. Hopefully.
Using a handy motorcycle, Buffy and Lethbridge-Stewart use the subtle approach to enter the lunatic asylum, smashing down all the doors and running over unlucky security guards.
In the main complex they find two British men, each claiming that the other is the enigmatic "Doctor" and that they are "Rupert Giles". Buffy cannot tell them apart and Lethbridge-Stewart pretends to be too interested in the carpet to pay any attention.
Deeva Jansen arrives and snatches one of the patients for another go at the BSO. This is the real Doctor, who recognizes his failed attempt at a companion has somehow managed to travel from deep space in the far future to 21st century California - how?
Deeva explains she simply reverted to her original form of a small, furry creature from Alpha Centauri and snuck inside the TARDIS. While the Doctor, Charley and Serge have been having their domestic arguments, she time-traveled back here and started a new life for herself. Indeed, she chose this particular point in the canvas of eternity simply because its the closest equivalent to a place that accepts Pokémon as people. Not much, but close.
Now, she plans to blow the Doctor's mind to keep her secret safe. The Doctor begs Deeva to give him another chance - he never loved Charley and she knows it! Instead, she connects him to the BSO machine once again, and as he continues to protest in vain, she switches on...
Richard III's plan is working brilliantly - soon he will be governor of Sunnydale, and from there he will move on to the White House and finally become a huge snake. But first, to celebrate his victory, he has Charley brought in and decides to use an evil magic spell to turn her into... a Furby!
Part Four - Insane
Charley promptly falls over, and Richard III curses the rotten luck that the one blonde he fancies is immune to all magic. However, it quickly becomes apparent to the Mayor that Charley is so IMPURE that all the magic has earthed itself down to the closest she has to innocence - her developing fetus.
Disgusted at this development, and the thought of a 1/3rd human 1/3rd Time Lord 1/3 Furby, Richard III throws her back on the streets and decides to admit his love of Deeva Jansen and slaughter everyone he meets when he turns into a snake. This sort of thing is too embarrassing to let ANYONE know, and he quickly lets Serge loose on the rest of the Club members.
Charley heads for the local lunatic asylum on the assumption it's the only place the nutters she knows would end up and finds the Doctor connected to the BSO machine. Luckily, the last patients' brain is still stuck in the pipe and so the Doctor can be rescued.
Upon realizing who Charley is, the Doctor screams and tries to fix the BSO and put himself out of his misery, and then has a brainwave and tries to plug Charley into it.
Buffy, Giles and Lethbridge-Stewart arrive in the lab and the Doctor demands to know why the Brigadier took his time trying to rescue his unpaid scientific advisor, but Giles leaps on this and conclusively proves that the Doctor is really himself!
Before this conversation can become any more existential, Deeva arrives with a chainsaw-wielding Serge in tow.
Serge recognizes Buffy as the murderer of his parents and promptly chains her to the ceiling with Deeva's help as Buffy cannot bring herself to harm such a cute little animal.
The Doctor points out that Deeva looks cuter than Buffy when she's a cute little animal and Buffy breaks free and runs rampart, smashing and wrecking everything in sight. As the trio runs around the set again and again, the Doctor admits his reasons for pretending to be Giles and how Charley has screwed up his whole life.
Lethbridge-Stewart refuses point blank the possibility the Doctor could get a girl pregnant, and the Doctor suggests he listen to Charley's flat stomach.
However, the hideous mutant baby she carries suddenly goes through a growth spurt.
Her belly swells up like a balloon and knocks the former-Brigadier headfirst into the BSO, which explodes outwards into a huge gaping maw.
Deeva, Serge and Lethbridge-Stewart are so perfectly annihilated that they are sucked into another dimension altogether, and the lunatic asylum crumbles to dust around them. The psychotic inmates run in every direction as the police arrive.
The Doctor decides to leave this one up to Buffy and Giles and he runs to the TARDIS at top speed. Charley waddles after him, worried that she might soon give birth to a Care Bear or something.
The Doctor sincerely doubts that - the callous way it wiped out the Doctor's longest-serving regular character shows it has some goodness in it after all.
He suggests that he take Charley to the birthing pools of the Croesus Nebula and tells her to stay by the doors. We see the TARDIS is set for the Black Hole of Cygnus, and the Doctor grins evilly...
Book(s)/Other Related –
Doctor Who Thinks He's An Inuit In Hull
Psycho Ward 10: Special Celebrity Issue
Crazy Loon, All of them: The Autobiography of General Alistair Gordon Lethbridge-Stewart
Fluffs - Paul McGann seemed scarily wide-eyed and calm for this story.
Goofs –
Um... what the hell does the title have to do with the four episodes shown here?
The Doctor is convinced he is trapped in Hull. Why?
The Brigadier is able to switch between hookers instantaneously. While this may be possible with our current technology, I personally do not know how this was pulled off and so refuse to let it lie until someone tells me how!
Serge leaves his chainsaw in the middle of the Pentagram, but has it back when Buffy's dangling from the ceiling by fishing wire.
Just what WAS Giles doing in that alleyway?
Fashion Victims –
Charley's electric blue pubic hair
Technobabble –
"This is a Popplewell-Beaker Transsential Mark 5! What the hell are you on, Brigadier?!? All I wanted was a coffee maker, for Christ's sake!"
Links and References -
Deeva Jansen returns from Bored of Ironing, proving that adventure happened.
Serge the Seal returns after an absence of seven episodes (Bored of Ironing Part 1) and goes on for an absence that will last the next six years.
Untelevised Misadventures -
The Doctor once tried to get Abraham Lincoln to star in an advertisement for 'Mentos: The Freshmaker', which would have had a joke ending when the President was accidentally shot by the Doctor. However, Charley was using the fake gun in a way that is not printable here [but let's say no one was brave enough to touch it for months afterwards until a sad, perfected fan froze it in crystal and sold it on eBay]. A replacement was found for the rehearsal. Unfortunately, it was real, as were the bullets. Charley still laughs about it.
Groovy DVD Extras -
A sing-a-long feature that looks suspiciously like the captions staying on no matter what you do to the remote.
8th Doctor - The Stones of Venice (ii)
Book(s)/Other Related –
Doctor Who and the Mists of Madness
Doctor Mysterio el Loco Mary-Jane
The Joint Venture - Use of Recreational Drugs on Inferior Life Forms
Fluffs - Paul McGann seemed as high as a kite for this story.
"I command you to infiltrate the foolish Duke's ridiculous sacrilegious ball!" ...what? He was SUPPOSED to say that? Seriously?? Get away!
Goofs –
Despite all the laws of god and man, this story was considered suitable for release into the global community
The Doctor insists that they have arrived in Venice in the 23rd century, but everyone else in the city acts like its the 13th century. Is the Doctor that bad at counting? And why is Winston Churchill there? He wasn't alive in either time zone!
When Churchill observes "It's like some awful premise for a Spanish telethon," the Doctor replies that "Most things are, in my experience," which doesn't take Sick Morning, or, indeed, the rest of Doctor Who into account.
Fashion Victims –
The Sacred Cult of Bestseller requires every member to wear Gumbie outfits from Monty Python, but it should be pointed out Vincenzo manages to wear that Mickey Mouse Headdress with a certain flair.
The Doctor's gondolier sex-slave outfit.
Fashion Triumphs –
The Elf Queen outfit that is obvious three sizes too small for Charley
Technobabble –
The Doctor uses 'cerebral neutralizer' when Charley announces that she is continuing to travel with him. To us mere mortals, it looks like him pouring scotch down a funnel into his throat.
Links and References -
Whilst examining the Duke's collection of living nude models, the Doctor double takes and demands "Zoe? What the hell are YOU doing here?" and the model replies, "It's a living."
Untelevised Misadventures -
The story begins at the end of a previous adventure that was not televised. Are you happy now?
Groovy DVD Extras -
75 hours of material cut for timing reasons, usually showing Paul McGann and India Fisher either feeling each other up or cackling insanely at the thought of "Hash Brownies". There is also a cut sequence from the fourth episode where the Doctor tie-dyes his cravat, announcing that Ozzy Osbourne's drug-addled ravings have suddenly become "oh-so-clear".
Dialogue Disasters -
Charley: Look at the state of my underwear! It's all seen better days. I'd be ashamed to have armpits like this. No wonder it's deserted.
Doctor: Oh, for the love of god, shut up.
Churchill: Ya know, once upon a time I used to be somebody! Then what happened? I coughed up, I spilt the beans, and the next thing you know, old Jed's a millionaire! But I could have been someone. I could have been a container.
Doctor: Let's travel in style! Let's raise a glass as we steam down the canal! And before the world ends, it turns completely upside down!
Charley: Oh, no, he's been at the shoe polish again!
Duke Insanity IV: You don't think that our dealer could save us?
Churchill: I do not think anything could save us, Mr. Looney.
Duke Insanity IV: Just as well. I need to do my chicken impression.
Doctor: I don't know what I like, but I know pornography when I see it.
Vincenzo: A love affair that could lay waste to a whole city. Don't you think it's fantastic?
Doctor: No - but then, I hate these reality TV premises, so I'm probably not your demographic.
Duke Insanity IV: Where have they gone? My guests! My people! They have fled!
Churchill: Actually, they're still here. You're talking to the wall.
Duke Insanity IV: No matter. I must eat the chandelier!
Doctor: I tell you, Eleanor, I'm something of a God in the bedroom department. I don't tell people my name - it gets a bit tiring hearing the same thing being shouted at the ceiling, time after time. Isn't that right, Charley? Charley?
Charley: I faked it, Doctor. It seemed the easiest way.
Doctor: Oh, sweet Jesus, no... [begins to cry] "Swing low, sweet chariot..."
Dialogue Triumphs -
Doctor: For God's sake, Charley, stop playing with your baubles!
Charley: I hate museums. All these little men telling you to keep your hands to yourself and then they get offended when you try a little executive relief!
Pietro: Your friend the Doctor seems to be causing the ruckus.
Charley: Oh, big fucking surprise.
Churchill: They say that the beauty of her radiant form drove the Duke mad with passion.
Doctor: She must have - what do you call it? Banged him like a dunny door in a cyclone?
Churchill: Are you Elvish?
Pietro: No, I'm a hobbit, fatso!
Charley: They loved each other in the end. After everything. They knew they had to die together. Right at the bitter end.
Doctor: Fine! No more post-1930 films for you. I've had more than enough Leonardo DiCaprio to last me for two regeneration cycles!
Doctor: Oh, come on. Let's get out there - you heard what she said! There's a party going on out there! A last, desperate carnival... One really fantastic, apocalyptic knees-up! Would you consider missing that for all the world?
Charley: Doctor, I can take a hint... what IS the hint?
Doctor: GET THE HELL OUT OF MY LIFE YOU STRANGE AND INSANE SLUT!! I'M NOT WASTING ANOTHER IOTA OF MY LIFE IN YOUR EVIL, ESTABLISHMENT-BUILDING PRESENCE! MAY YOUR FOULNESS ROT IN THE BLACK PIT OF TIME LORD HELL! There's nothing like closure, is there, Charley? Piss off.
Vincenzo: Let the dog see the rabbit. Now, I pronounce you man and wife. Next week on Celebrity Pets' Big Brother Weddings From Hell, well see a nervous meercat groom demand to know why WE won't get the raccoon to the church on time!
Doctor: Just what have you been up to since you ran out on me, Charley?
Charley: I was knocked out, blindfolded, banged up in a cellar and ritualistically abused by a gang of dwarves. I'm having a wonderful time!
Doctor: As for you lot, I don't even carry money - I don't need it. And I must say I think you treat your visitors here very shabbily indeed! British Museum, my arse!
Duke Insanity IV: Do go on, Doctor. I have no idea what you are, but you reek of vanilla.
Doctor: What kind of nutters made you two the rulers of this city??
Bestseller: Yes, it is a bit of a reign of error, isn't it?
Doctor: Are you trying to be funny?
Bestseller: Yes.
Charley: Well, that's my sense of social justice piqued.
Doctor: Don't be so bloody self-aware, Charley. This isn't Farscape, you know!
Churchill: Are you Elvish, Doctor?
Doctor: No. I'm more of a Hendrix man, myself.
Doctor: The sound of distant Pink Floyd albums. I wonder if they're into free love as well? They usually are, that type... DAMN IT, I JUST LOVE THIS PLANET!
Charley: My parents will be very shocked when you take me back.
Doctor: Your parents are ALWAYS shocked. You turned up for your seventh birthday party drunk on cheap cider and threw up on your mum's Harrods nightie. Then, when the drug squad arrived and promptly strip-searched the clown they brought for the party...
Charley: How do you know all this, Paul?
Doctor: Oh, I do my research.
Charley: You mean "stalking"?
Doctor: NOT during a take, India!!
Doctor: And the clock chimes out for the munchies of Venice!
UnQuotable Quote -
Charley: That's it then. It's lunch.
Viewer Quotes -
"Stay away from the canals, you brain-dead maggots! STAY AWAY! DO YOU HEAR ME, YOU BASTARD? STAY - AWAY - FROM - THE - CANALS!"
- some bloke on the street when I mentioned the name "Venice" (2002)
"On first glance, The Stoned of Venice contains a many long drug-induced rambles which must have looked fine on paper, had they ever been written down. This being a Paul Magrs script, it's broken and uses magic rather than technobabble, making a bewildering parallel to the rest of Doctor Who. The structure isn't up to much; the cliffhangers are tacked on, characters just move back and forth between locations chatting (except at the climax, where they stand around chatting). Not a lot really happens, and when it does, the events are overwhelmed by the dialogue. Which is unfortunate, then, as the dialogue is more Abbot & Costello than Shakespeare and the cast just adlib for the majority of the story. No matter, the Doctor and Charley are back to maximum fanwank, bar one slip. Did young subjects of George V really use the phrase "fan-dab-a-doozy"? Did they? Well, fancy that then."
- Tri Sumi (1997)
"The story, if nothing else, is imaginative and diverting. Like a rhinoceros using a nerf ball as toilet paper. Only more pointless and less well-thought out. After so many BBC novels full of blood, torture and deadly serious issues, it's a novelty to experience a story in which the Eighth Doctor enjoys himself rather than getting stripped naked, beaten up and tortured. So, obviously this cannot be canonical in any way, shape or form." - Bob McCallif (3002)
"Where were the fucking aliens?" - Average 11 year old response (2000)
"I noticed that most of the characters in this story seem partly aware that they are players in a story and that the Doctor's insight into what might happen seemed as much informed by dramatic structure as history or science. Then I realized that the actors were just stoned out of their heads and switched off." - Jacqueline Pearce (2003)
"Where were the fucking Quirks?"
- Average Creator of the Quirks response (1969-present)
"This is a slightly different to Sick Morning and Bored of Ironing. In those two scripts there were plot, consistency and logic. Nothing similar is used here, as the Doctor throws himself into the story, waxing lyrical about sexy gondolier and not even thinking of leaving until he's had stolen some duty-free wine. The interaction between McGann and Fisher is wonderful, perhaps the best aspect of the story; it's the only one that makes it abundantly clear someone is paying attention throughout the script." - Angus Deaton (2001)
"It's people like the dull, humorless rebel-cum-trade unionist Pietro that make you understand why Britons voted Conservative for 17 years."
- Saffron Monsoon (2000)
"While The Stoned of Venice may FEEL very different and perhaps, at a stretch, innovative, it is unmistakably Doctor Who. The science-fiction equivalent of genital warts." - Patrick Snob (2004)
Psychotic Nostalgia -
"This story took Doctor Who away from its scientific norms and promoted the use of magic. There's no such thing as magic, you know. I mean, honestly. It's just a dull excuse to sacrifice a goat and snuff drifters. I mean, we all nod and act tolerant, but really, what society is crying out for nowadays is truth, blood and death. If you want to slit the throat of a virgin and use their skin as a duvet, go for it! But at least have the dignity to admit it's on your own bat and not to satisfy some pagan deity who has better things to do."
Paul McGann Speaks!
"It's funny to think that if the TV Movie had got the right numbers in America, then I'd be out there, working with quality scripts and star performers of the highest caliber. I'm not sad, though. Not really. Suicidally depressed, rather than just 'sad'. I don't think 'sad' does it justice. There's no value in regrets like that. But there are no values in the crap I'm doing now, so I find there's a nifty symmetry. When you work on in the American film industry, it's such a rarefied atmosphere. You shoot a scene and then it's back to your trailer or dressing room on your own. I'd forgotten what fucking agony it is to be stuck with a crowd of hammy has-beens who continually insist they have some kind of acting ability. I tried to hide in the green room, or go for lunch in the pub. They followed me! That pub was in the next county and the bastards followed me in a coach and charged me for the fare! Michael Sheard was the worst, though. He kept licking my hand saying, "You don't taste like the others". But I'm stuck here. I signed a contract - stupid date rape drugs in the Guinness. I'm not falling for that again!"
India Fisher Speaks!
"Working with Paul McGann really was a dream come true for me. Well, apart from those cheese-shaped pillows and that endless supply of chocolate sauce, but then my dreams are pretty vivid. Some people can get a little worried when they meet someone who they've been a fan of for some time, just in case they don't live up to expectations, but Paul needn't have worried. I was everything he'd believed, but better-looking and completely shaved. We clicked instantly and constantly, and I remember Alan Barnes screaming at me "Stop clicking your stupid fingers! It's shitting us all to hell!" Dear Alan. His groin made a delightful crunching noise as I exerted my vice-like grip around his dearest possessions. He speaks in a falsetto now and may never walk again. No one can keep a straight face when this wheelchair-bound chipmunk squeaks, "Please, I'm begging you, take this seriously - for the fans' sake!" Hahah. Wanker."
Michael Sheard Speaks!
"I'm reliably informed by the voices in my head that only Nick Courtney has worked with more Doctor Whos than me. And he had the advantage of playing the same character all the time, the lucky scrote. I've had to slave away in bit-parts from the day the show started. From "Monoid Victim 2" to "Renegade Dustbin Agent Victim 1" to "Passing Motorist Who's Neck Is Crushed By The Bastard For A Laugh", not to mention the non-speaking roles! I'm waiting by the phone even now for Russell T Davies to come to senses, the mad queen. The last Doctor Who I did was The Stoned of Venice, and I'll be shot if I get this wrong, but I think I'm right in saying he's a million-year-old blue whale that took a bad number and has to impersonate Mr. Bronson from Grange Hill. Um... why is that young gentleman aiming a gun at me again?"
Trivia -
The Doctor and Charley can be seen playing "Strip Scrabble" in episode one. Although this is not scripted, Charley is quite obviously playing to lose. Heh, heh.
Rumors & Facts -
Opinion is divided on this story. There are those who love this story more than life itself and ultimately dying of starvation viewing it repeatedly; and those who disagree.
It is on record that those who don't disagree quite like the story.
An established psychotic and theoretical absurdity, Paul Magrs (who added a G to his last name in order to irritate journalists) had been pitching a story to Big Finish about Venice being destroyed since 1999.
This began after he visited the city and was mocked by a gondolier for his 1998 book "The Starlet Empress." Thus, he decided that Venice would be a perfect place for Doctor Who to utterly destroy with the casualness of crushing a dandelion.
He pitched more or less the same storyline for a multitude of Doctors under various titles including "The Empire of Assholes", "Shark Repellant", "Die, Venice, Die!", "Going Down", "Absurd Degree" and "Please, Please, Please, Sink". It was only when it appeared that such a story might be instrumental in luring Tom Baker into Big Finish studios that anyone even considered accepting it.
Unfortunately, Tom Baker had already plotted out a similar story for his sequel to The Boy Who Kicked Pigs – The Boy That Snogged Gondoliers and left in a huff. The latest rewrite of the Venice story was used as a draught excluder for the next six weeks under the title My Last Duck Egg and featured the word 'cunt' on 270, 4453 separate occasions.
Finally, after the subplot of an invasion of Iris Wildthymes being scrapped and the main characters being defined as the Fifth Doctor and Nyssa, Magrs began to script "Stone The Venetian Crows, The Misses Will Never Believe This Un".
Magrs, who dressed in a radiation suit and frequented crypts in his insane desire to be seen differently from his fellow writers, delighted in complex and fractured narrative structures, mainly because he was unable to perceive chronological time due a brain disorder from eating too much spaghetti. In fact, Magrs would later admit that "the whole concept of linear existence was a new one on me".
In order to restructure the script accordingly, the author spent three weeks without sleep, trapped in a hotel room with coffee machine and a ventriloquist's dummy in the shape of Jean-Paul Satre.
Three gallons of coffee, fifteen kilos of cigarettes, twelve litres of vodka and three miles of pacing back and fourth later, Magrs considered setting to work on STVCTMWNBTU.
Three months later, the completed script for STVCTMWNBTU was reviewed by Gay Russell and Jason Haigh-Ellery and found to have a number of minor flaws. For example it was written in Braille - and contained countless spelling mistakes. At several points during the narrative, at least one character screams "This is DIFFERENT, you literary critic WHORES!" for a variety of reasons.
There was not so much a plot, but a shopping list that featured a mad Duke, Dracula, Romeo and Juliet, Max Ernst, Heathcliffe, Jules Verne, Cathy, Casanova, John Ruskin, Miss Haversham, Illyria, Judy Garland and Liza Minelli have a fistfight as they drown in the middle of a costume party and complained that the price of Pinot Gringio had increased extortionately.
JHE dubbed it "the usual silly old camp nonsense" and suggested that the main characters (two tourists, Den and Angie, going to Venice in the mid-1980s and then drowning) be adapted for the Fifth Doctor and Nyssa rather than the Fourth Doctor and Sarah-Jane Smith.
Magrs replied that if he just added such reasonable things as the TARDIS, monsters, the population of Venice or indeed anything perceivable by human eyes, it would just the be the usual media trash that littered twenty-first century Doctor Who.
At this point STVCTMWNBTU was renamed "Pathetic Expectations".
However, a small blood clot formed in Magrs brain leading him to smile serenely and adjust the plot. The script was finally approved as "The Stoner's Lagoon" just as it was made clear that there was going to be a brand new series of Eighth Doctor adventures.
Russell re-commissioned "The Stoner's Lagoon" so they could "demonstrate to Paul McGann was Big Finish were about" - i.e.: total laxity and last-minute panic.
Out of mild sadism, McGann agreed on the condition that the script be written top-to-bottom for him in one day. Also, he demanded that his latest stalking case be given the companion role and not be simply generic but also a real person. The Doctor and companion were to be given separate but inter-linking story lines that didn't detract from the plot proper.
Magrs smiled happily and sat down at the typewriter and did just that. He managed to save a lot of time by cutting down action sequences and plot development. Episodes two and four were compacted down into two lines of dialogue from Churchill: "Oh, Doctor, they're attacking us!" and "Well, fancy that, we're still alive!"
It was generally assumed that any one anal enough to be interested in what was surmised by these sentences would no doubt be writing fan fiction to fill any gaps in the storyline. Also, a new plotline involving copious amounts of marijuana was introduced, coincidentally at the same time one P. McGann paid a large amount of money directly into Magrs' bank account.
Taken totally by surprise at the fact they had completed the script, McGann was put down for four four-episode stories which would feature the return appearances of the Brigadier, the Cybermen and Michael Sheard and a linking theme involving an extremely aggressive seal.
A legal writ was served to Big Finish Productions by the mysterious Mr. McGann of Liverpool, demanding that the first story to be recorded would require the compulsory use of class-B drugs to the main cast.
As such, the newly-re-titled The Stoned of Venice was now bound to yield a rich, magical stage of narcotic necromancy. Michael Sheard was cast as the Duke Insanity IV, and was prepared for the role by being locked in the smoke-filled studio two days before recording began.
Unfortunately, this lead to Sheard chewing every single part of the scenery - not by appalling acting, but in trying to sate his ravenous hunger.
Russell had hoped that Sheard's effeminate, flute like voice would be ideal for the raw emotion in the script without ever letting us forget this is a grandiose, sensational character. Shows you how wrong you can be at that age, huh?
Magrs also gave an echo of McGann's treatment of him in a story where the Eighth Doctor visits a world in perfect order and whips it up into a storm for his own selfish reasons, name dropping to the point of arrogance, poking his nose in where it isn't wanted, pulling his finger out only to shove it back in again somewhere even more uncomfortable, speaking up in the face of the logic and never listening to any sense. And when he isn't doing that, he's spending all his time trying to be liked and going on about how cool he is and winding up every single character in the story. As Miss Rigby so beautifully puts it "Why don't you sod off, Paul?"
The story is notable in history as the only production that never required any retakes at all. Actually, it is reasonable to assume there are quite a few cock-ups and bad special effects that merited another go, but the director Nick Pegs, was quite happy with the story and is regularly heard giggling in the background.
The producers found the story so amazingly cool and wonderful, they decided to make this the first story shown of Season 28. The story was accidentally put on third and thus alienates continuity even more so as it is the first time Paul McGann and India Fisher worked together, and much of their adlibbed dialogue consists of the Doctor continually chatting Charley up, despite the fact that she is pregnant and preparing to sue him for child support.
The cast list for The Stoned of Venice was pretty unusual as well...
Paul McGann.........The Doctor, A Bit Like Tim Curry In 'Legend'
India Fisher........Charley Pollard, The Most Amiable Ex-Whore Ever
Michael Sheard......Duke Insanity IV, A Nutter
Leslie Phillips.....Winston Churchill, An Obsequious Turd
Cynthia Grenville...Eleanor Rigby, A Cunt Of Monstrous Proportions
Mark McDonnell......Pietro, The Firmest Little Arse I've Ever Seen
Maitland Chandler...Vincenzo, A Ridiculous And Savage Prick
A final note concerns the insane title to episode four - "Shave Back". Since practically every fourth episode of Doctor Who involved blowing the whole place up or teleporting into another realm for the duration, he decided that he would keep the characters EXACTLY where they were and not blow up anything at all.
As he regained his senses, he realized that to be in any way convincing, episode four would now have to last forty-six seconds and that included a long tortuous rant by Charley that she should now be allowed to use the TARDIS toilet block.
Frantically, he added a completely new subplot: that Bestseller had, in fact, headed off to the shops in order to by a safety-razor to shave her legs after her lover had used up the last one cutting the length of his tongue.
This prompted the Doctor to start singing the haunting love melody of "Change the Blades," which was cut for timing reasons, thus making a nonsense of the title and Magrs' timing abilities.
The altered music was played over the end credits of all four episodes instead and much richer they were for it.
Change The Blades (I Need To Slit My Wrists Now)
By Paul McGann and the Timelords
"Four inches of blackening tar
Clogging up your pores.
And twelve Euros' worth of
Woolworths soap,
To leave him
Smelling like a horse.
This palace smells like
A brothel
Where there's no... one... about
I'm definitely high off of something
And I don't believe
I can get these stains out.
You've got to change the blades,
Shave away your sorrow.
Change the blades,
Shave away your sin.
Change the blades,
Take this bimbo offa me.
Change the blades,
Carve away my skin.
Well, I've had it up to here
With your arid, barren wasteland,
Making the mother of my child
Look like the face... of... perversity
I should have... stuck... to England
All I wanted was to dump her
At the first opportunity
Then perhaps maybe I could escape to
A bizarre... ceremony... of lust!
You've got to change the blades,
Shave away your sorrow.
Change the blades,
Shave away your sin.
Change the blades,
Take this bimbo offa me.
Change the blades,
Carve away my skin.
Shit, this script is shit
I can't cope with this so-called plot
Just a rip-off of poor Fellinni
And no-one seems to care a jot.
Just where is this so-called contract
That I'm supposed to have signed?
It's got the Mark of McGann beside the X
Oh, how I curse that dotted line."
Doctor Who and the Mists of Madness
Doctor Mysterio el Loco Mary-Jane
The Joint Venture - Use of Recreational Drugs on Inferior Life Forms
Fluffs - Paul McGann seemed as high as a kite for this story.
"I command you to infiltrate the foolish Duke's ridiculous sacrilegious ball!" ...what? He was SUPPOSED to say that? Seriously?? Get away!
Goofs –
Despite all the laws of god and man, this story was considered suitable for release into the global community
The Doctor insists that they have arrived in Venice in the 23rd century, but everyone else in the city acts like its the 13th century. Is the Doctor that bad at counting? And why is Winston Churchill there? He wasn't alive in either time zone!
When Churchill observes "It's like some awful premise for a Spanish telethon," the Doctor replies that "Most things are, in my experience," which doesn't take Sick Morning, or, indeed, the rest of Doctor Who into account.
Fashion Victims –
The Sacred Cult of Bestseller requires every member to wear Gumbie outfits from Monty Python, but it should be pointed out Vincenzo manages to wear that Mickey Mouse Headdress with a certain flair.
The Doctor's gondolier sex-slave outfit.
Fashion Triumphs –
The Elf Queen outfit that is obvious three sizes too small for Charley
Technobabble –
The Doctor uses 'cerebral neutralizer' when Charley announces that she is continuing to travel with him. To us mere mortals, it looks like him pouring scotch down a funnel into his throat.
Links and References -
Whilst examining the Duke's collection of living nude models, the Doctor double takes and demands "Zoe? What the hell are YOU doing here?" and the model replies, "It's a living."
Untelevised Misadventures -
The story begins at the end of a previous adventure that was not televised. Are you happy now?
Groovy DVD Extras -
75 hours of material cut for timing reasons, usually showing Paul McGann and India Fisher either feeling each other up or cackling insanely at the thought of "Hash Brownies". There is also a cut sequence from the fourth episode where the Doctor tie-dyes his cravat, announcing that Ozzy Osbourne's drug-addled ravings have suddenly become "oh-so-clear".
Dialogue Disasters -
Charley: Look at the state of my underwear! It's all seen better days. I'd be ashamed to have armpits like this. No wonder it's deserted.
Doctor: Oh, for the love of god, shut up.
Churchill: Ya know, once upon a time I used to be somebody! Then what happened? I coughed up, I spilt the beans, and the next thing you know, old Jed's a millionaire! But I could have been someone. I could have been a container.
Doctor: Let's travel in style! Let's raise a glass as we steam down the canal! And before the world ends, it turns completely upside down!
Charley: Oh, no, he's been at the shoe polish again!
Duke Insanity IV: You don't think that our dealer could save us?
Churchill: I do not think anything could save us, Mr. Looney.
Duke Insanity IV: Just as well. I need to do my chicken impression.
Doctor: I don't know what I like, but I know pornography when I see it.
Vincenzo: A love affair that could lay waste to a whole city. Don't you think it's fantastic?
Doctor: No - but then, I hate these reality TV premises, so I'm probably not your demographic.
Duke Insanity IV: Where have they gone? My guests! My people! They have fled!
Churchill: Actually, they're still here. You're talking to the wall.
Duke Insanity IV: No matter. I must eat the chandelier!
Doctor: I tell you, Eleanor, I'm something of a God in the bedroom department. I don't tell people my name - it gets a bit tiring hearing the same thing being shouted at the ceiling, time after time. Isn't that right, Charley? Charley?
Charley: I faked it, Doctor. It seemed the easiest way.
Doctor: Oh, sweet Jesus, no... [begins to cry] "Swing low, sweet chariot..."
Dialogue Triumphs -
Doctor: For God's sake, Charley, stop playing with your baubles!
Charley: I hate museums. All these little men telling you to keep your hands to yourself and then they get offended when you try a little executive relief!
Pietro: Your friend the Doctor seems to be causing the ruckus.
Charley: Oh, big fucking surprise.
Churchill: They say that the beauty of her radiant form drove the Duke mad with passion.
Doctor: She must have - what do you call it? Banged him like a dunny door in a cyclone?
Churchill: Are you Elvish?
Pietro: No, I'm a hobbit, fatso!
Charley: They loved each other in the end. After everything. They knew they had to die together. Right at the bitter end.
Doctor: Fine! No more post-1930 films for you. I've had more than enough Leonardo DiCaprio to last me for two regeneration cycles!
Doctor: Oh, come on. Let's get out there - you heard what she said! There's a party going on out there! A last, desperate carnival... One really fantastic, apocalyptic knees-up! Would you consider missing that for all the world?
Charley: Doctor, I can take a hint... what IS the hint?
Doctor: GET THE HELL OUT OF MY LIFE YOU STRANGE AND INSANE SLUT!! I'M NOT WASTING ANOTHER IOTA OF MY LIFE IN YOUR EVIL, ESTABLISHMENT-BUILDING PRESENCE! MAY YOUR FOULNESS ROT IN THE BLACK PIT OF TIME LORD HELL! There's nothing like closure, is there, Charley? Piss off.
Vincenzo: Let the dog see the rabbit. Now, I pronounce you man and wife. Next week on Celebrity Pets' Big Brother Weddings From Hell, well see a nervous meercat groom demand to know why WE won't get the raccoon to the church on time!
Doctor: Just what have you been up to since you ran out on me, Charley?
Charley: I was knocked out, blindfolded, banged up in a cellar and ritualistically abused by a gang of dwarves. I'm having a wonderful time!
Doctor: As for you lot, I don't even carry money - I don't need it. And I must say I think you treat your visitors here very shabbily indeed! British Museum, my arse!
Duke Insanity IV: Do go on, Doctor. I have no idea what you are, but you reek of vanilla.
Doctor: What kind of nutters made you two the rulers of this city??
Bestseller: Yes, it is a bit of a reign of error, isn't it?
Doctor: Are you trying to be funny?
Bestseller: Yes.
Charley: Well, that's my sense of social justice piqued.
Doctor: Don't be so bloody self-aware, Charley. This isn't Farscape, you know!
Churchill: Are you Elvish, Doctor?
Doctor: No. I'm more of a Hendrix man, myself.
Doctor: The sound of distant Pink Floyd albums. I wonder if they're into free love as well? They usually are, that type... DAMN IT, I JUST LOVE THIS PLANET!
Charley: My parents will be very shocked when you take me back.
Doctor: Your parents are ALWAYS shocked. You turned up for your seventh birthday party drunk on cheap cider and threw up on your mum's Harrods nightie. Then, when the drug squad arrived and promptly strip-searched the clown they brought for the party...
Charley: How do you know all this, Paul?
Doctor: Oh, I do my research.
Charley: You mean "stalking"?
Doctor: NOT during a take, India!!
Doctor: And the clock chimes out for the munchies of Venice!
UnQuotable Quote -
Charley: That's it then. It's lunch.
Viewer Quotes -
"Stay away from the canals, you brain-dead maggots! STAY AWAY! DO YOU HEAR ME, YOU BASTARD? STAY - AWAY - FROM - THE - CANALS!"
- some bloke on the street when I mentioned the name "Venice" (2002)
"On first glance, The Stoned of Venice contains a many long drug-induced rambles which must have looked fine on paper, had they ever been written down. This being a Paul Magrs script, it's broken and uses magic rather than technobabble, making a bewildering parallel to the rest of Doctor Who. The structure isn't up to much; the cliffhangers are tacked on, characters just move back and forth between locations chatting (except at the climax, where they stand around chatting). Not a lot really happens, and when it does, the events are overwhelmed by the dialogue. Which is unfortunate, then, as the dialogue is more Abbot & Costello than Shakespeare and the cast just adlib for the majority of the story. No matter, the Doctor and Charley are back to maximum fanwank, bar one slip. Did young subjects of George V really use the phrase "fan-dab-a-doozy"? Did they? Well, fancy that then."
- Tri Sumi (1997)
"The story, if nothing else, is imaginative and diverting. Like a rhinoceros using a nerf ball as toilet paper. Only more pointless and less well-thought out. After so many BBC novels full of blood, torture and deadly serious issues, it's a novelty to experience a story in which the Eighth Doctor enjoys himself rather than getting stripped naked, beaten up and tortured. So, obviously this cannot be canonical in any way, shape or form." - Bob McCallif (3002)
"Where were the fucking aliens?" - Average 11 year old response (2000)
"I noticed that most of the characters in this story seem partly aware that they are players in a story and that the Doctor's insight into what might happen seemed as much informed by dramatic structure as history or science. Then I realized that the actors were just stoned out of their heads and switched off." - Jacqueline Pearce (2003)
"Where were the fucking Quirks?"
- Average Creator of the Quirks response (1969-present)
"This is a slightly different to Sick Morning and Bored of Ironing. In those two scripts there were plot, consistency and logic. Nothing similar is used here, as the Doctor throws himself into the story, waxing lyrical about sexy gondolier and not even thinking of leaving until he's had stolen some duty-free wine. The interaction between McGann and Fisher is wonderful, perhaps the best aspect of the story; it's the only one that makes it abundantly clear someone is paying attention throughout the script." - Angus Deaton (2001)
"It's people like the dull, humorless rebel-cum-trade unionist Pietro that make you understand why Britons voted Conservative for 17 years."
- Saffron Monsoon (2000)
"While The Stoned of Venice may FEEL very different and perhaps, at a stretch, innovative, it is unmistakably Doctor Who. The science-fiction equivalent of genital warts." - Patrick Snob (2004)
Psychotic Nostalgia -
"This story took Doctor Who away from its scientific norms and promoted the use of magic. There's no such thing as magic, you know. I mean, honestly. It's just a dull excuse to sacrifice a goat and snuff drifters. I mean, we all nod and act tolerant, but really, what society is crying out for nowadays is truth, blood and death. If you want to slit the throat of a virgin and use their skin as a duvet, go for it! But at least have the dignity to admit it's on your own bat and not to satisfy some pagan deity who has better things to do."
Paul McGann Speaks!
"It's funny to think that if the TV Movie had got the right numbers in America, then I'd be out there, working with quality scripts and star performers of the highest caliber. I'm not sad, though. Not really. Suicidally depressed, rather than just 'sad'. I don't think 'sad' does it justice. There's no value in regrets like that. But there are no values in the crap I'm doing now, so I find there's a nifty symmetry. When you work on in the American film industry, it's such a rarefied atmosphere. You shoot a scene and then it's back to your trailer or dressing room on your own. I'd forgotten what fucking agony it is to be stuck with a crowd of hammy has-beens who continually insist they have some kind of acting ability. I tried to hide in the green room, or go for lunch in the pub. They followed me! That pub was in the next county and the bastards followed me in a coach and charged me for the fare! Michael Sheard was the worst, though. He kept licking my hand saying, "You don't taste like the others". But I'm stuck here. I signed a contract - stupid date rape drugs in the Guinness. I'm not falling for that again!"
India Fisher Speaks!
"Working with Paul McGann really was a dream come true for me. Well, apart from those cheese-shaped pillows and that endless supply of chocolate sauce, but then my dreams are pretty vivid. Some people can get a little worried when they meet someone who they've been a fan of for some time, just in case they don't live up to expectations, but Paul needn't have worried. I was everything he'd believed, but better-looking and completely shaved. We clicked instantly and constantly, and I remember Alan Barnes screaming at me "Stop clicking your stupid fingers! It's shitting us all to hell!" Dear Alan. His groin made a delightful crunching noise as I exerted my vice-like grip around his dearest possessions. He speaks in a falsetto now and may never walk again. No one can keep a straight face when this wheelchair-bound chipmunk squeaks, "Please, I'm begging you, take this seriously - for the fans' sake!" Hahah. Wanker."
Michael Sheard Speaks!
"I'm reliably informed by the voices in my head that only Nick Courtney has worked with more Doctor Whos than me. And he had the advantage of playing the same character all the time, the lucky scrote. I've had to slave away in bit-parts from the day the show started. From "Monoid Victim 2" to "Renegade Dustbin Agent Victim 1" to "Passing Motorist Who's Neck Is Crushed By The Bastard For A Laugh", not to mention the non-speaking roles! I'm waiting by the phone even now for Russell T Davies to come to senses, the mad queen. The last Doctor Who I did was The Stoned of Venice, and I'll be shot if I get this wrong, but I think I'm right in saying he's a million-year-old blue whale that took a bad number and has to impersonate Mr. Bronson from Grange Hill. Um... why is that young gentleman aiming a gun at me again?"
Trivia -
The Doctor and Charley can be seen playing "Strip Scrabble" in episode one. Although this is not scripted, Charley is quite obviously playing to lose. Heh, heh.
Rumors & Facts -
Opinion is divided on this story. There are those who love this story more than life itself and ultimately dying of starvation viewing it repeatedly; and those who disagree.
It is on record that those who don't disagree quite like the story.
An established psychotic and theoretical absurdity, Paul Magrs (who added a G to his last name in order to irritate journalists) had been pitching a story to Big Finish about Venice being destroyed since 1999.
This began after he visited the city and was mocked by a gondolier for his 1998 book "The Starlet Empress." Thus, he decided that Venice would be a perfect place for Doctor Who to utterly destroy with the casualness of crushing a dandelion.
He pitched more or less the same storyline for a multitude of Doctors under various titles including "The Empire of Assholes", "Shark Repellant", "Die, Venice, Die!", "Going Down", "Absurd Degree" and "Please, Please, Please, Sink". It was only when it appeared that such a story might be instrumental in luring Tom Baker into Big Finish studios that anyone even considered accepting it.
Unfortunately, Tom Baker had already plotted out a similar story for his sequel to The Boy Who Kicked Pigs – The Boy That Snogged Gondoliers and left in a huff. The latest rewrite of the Venice story was used as a draught excluder for the next six weeks under the title My Last Duck Egg and featured the word 'cunt' on 270, 4453 separate occasions.
Finally, after the subplot of an invasion of Iris Wildthymes being scrapped and the main characters being defined as the Fifth Doctor and Nyssa, Magrs began to script "Stone The Venetian Crows, The Misses Will Never Believe This Un".
Magrs, who dressed in a radiation suit and frequented crypts in his insane desire to be seen differently from his fellow writers, delighted in complex and fractured narrative structures, mainly because he was unable to perceive chronological time due a brain disorder from eating too much spaghetti. In fact, Magrs would later admit that "the whole concept of linear existence was a new one on me".
In order to restructure the script accordingly, the author spent three weeks without sleep, trapped in a hotel room with coffee machine and a ventriloquist's dummy in the shape of Jean-Paul Satre.
Three gallons of coffee, fifteen kilos of cigarettes, twelve litres of vodka and three miles of pacing back and fourth later, Magrs considered setting to work on STVCTMWNBTU.
Three months later, the completed script for STVCTMWNBTU was reviewed by Gay Russell and Jason Haigh-Ellery and found to have a number of minor flaws. For example it was written in Braille - and contained countless spelling mistakes. At several points during the narrative, at least one character screams "This is DIFFERENT, you literary critic WHORES!" for a variety of reasons.
There was not so much a plot, but a shopping list that featured a mad Duke, Dracula, Romeo and Juliet, Max Ernst, Heathcliffe, Jules Verne, Cathy, Casanova, John Ruskin, Miss Haversham, Illyria, Judy Garland and Liza Minelli have a fistfight as they drown in the middle of a costume party and complained that the price of Pinot Gringio had increased extortionately.
JHE dubbed it "the usual silly old camp nonsense" and suggested that the main characters (two tourists, Den and Angie, going to Venice in the mid-1980s and then drowning) be adapted for the Fifth Doctor and Nyssa rather than the Fourth Doctor and Sarah-Jane Smith.
Magrs replied that if he just added such reasonable things as the TARDIS, monsters, the population of Venice or indeed anything perceivable by human eyes, it would just the be the usual media trash that littered twenty-first century Doctor Who.
At this point STVCTMWNBTU was renamed "Pathetic Expectations".
However, a small blood clot formed in Magrs brain leading him to smile serenely and adjust the plot. The script was finally approved as "The Stoner's Lagoon" just as it was made clear that there was going to be a brand new series of Eighth Doctor adventures.
Russell re-commissioned "The Stoner's Lagoon" so they could "demonstrate to Paul McGann was Big Finish were about" - i.e.: total laxity and last-minute panic.
Out of mild sadism, McGann agreed on the condition that the script be written top-to-bottom for him in one day. Also, he demanded that his latest stalking case be given the companion role and not be simply generic but also a real person. The Doctor and companion were to be given separate but inter-linking story lines that didn't detract from the plot proper.
Magrs smiled happily and sat down at the typewriter and did just that. He managed to save a lot of time by cutting down action sequences and plot development. Episodes two and four were compacted down into two lines of dialogue from Churchill: "Oh, Doctor, they're attacking us!" and "Well, fancy that, we're still alive!"
It was generally assumed that any one anal enough to be interested in what was surmised by these sentences would no doubt be writing fan fiction to fill any gaps in the storyline. Also, a new plotline involving copious amounts of marijuana was introduced, coincidentally at the same time one P. McGann paid a large amount of money directly into Magrs' bank account.
Taken totally by surprise at the fact they had completed the script, McGann was put down for four four-episode stories which would feature the return appearances of the Brigadier, the Cybermen and Michael Sheard and a linking theme involving an extremely aggressive seal.
A legal writ was served to Big Finish Productions by the mysterious Mr. McGann of Liverpool, demanding that the first story to be recorded would require the compulsory use of class-B drugs to the main cast.
As such, the newly-re-titled The Stoned of Venice was now bound to yield a rich, magical stage of narcotic necromancy. Michael Sheard was cast as the Duke Insanity IV, and was prepared for the role by being locked in the smoke-filled studio two days before recording began.
Unfortunately, this lead to Sheard chewing every single part of the scenery - not by appalling acting, but in trying to sate his ravenous hunger.
Russell had hoped that Sheard's effeminate, flute like voice would be ideal for the raw emotion in the script without ever letting us forget this is a grandiose, sensational character. Shows you how wrong you can be at that age, huh?
Magrs also gave an echo of McGann's treatment of him in a story where the Eighth Doctor visits a world in perfect order and whips it up into a storm for his own selfish reasons, name dropping to the point of arrogance, poking his nose in where it isn't wanted, pulling his finger out only to shove it back in again somewhere even more uncomfortable, speaking up in the face of the logic and never listening to any sense. And when he isn't doing that, he's spending all his time trying to be liked and going on about how cool he is and winding up every single character in the story. As Miss Rigby so beautifully puts it "Why don't you sod off, Paul?"
The story is notable in history as the only production that never required any retakes at all. Actually, it is reasonable to assume there are quite a few cock-ups and bad special effects that merited another go, but the director Nick Pegs, was quite happy with the story and is regularly heard giggling in the background.
The producers found the story so amazingly cool and wonderful, they decided to make this the first story shown of Season 28. The story was accidentally put on third and thus alienates continuity even more so as it is the first time Paul McGann and India Fisher worked together, and much of their adlibbed dialogue consists of the Doctor continually chatting Charley up, despite the fact that she is pregnant and preparing to sue him for child support.
The cast list for The Stoned of Venice was pretty unusual as well...
Paul McGann.........The Doctor, A Bit Like Tim Curry In 'Legend'
India Fisher........Charley Pollard, The Most Amiable Ex-Whore Ever
Michael Sheard......Duke Insanity IV, A Nutter
Leslie Phillips.....Winston Churchill, An Obsequious Turd
Cynthia Grenville...Eleanor Rigby, A Cunt Of Monstrous Proportions
Mark McDonnell......Pietro, The Firmest Little Arse I've Ever Seen
Maitland Chandler...Vincenzo, A Ridiculous And Savage Prick
A final note concerns the insane title to episode four - "Shave Back". Since practically every fourth episode of Doctor Who involved blowing the whole place up or teleporting into another realm for the duration, he decided that he would keep the characters EXACTLY where they were and not blow up anything at all.
As he regained his senses, he realized that to be in any way convincing, episode four would now have to last forty-six seconds and that included a long tortuous rant by Charley that she should now be allowed to use the TARDIS toilet block.
Frantically, he added a completely new subplot: that Bestseller had, in fact, headed off to the shops in order to by a safety-razor to shave her legs after her lover had used up the last one cutting the length of his tongue.
This prompted the Doctor to start singing the haunting love melody of "Change the Blades," which was cut for timing reasons, thus making a nonsense of the title and Magrs' timing abilities.
The altered music was played over the end credits of all four episodes instead and much richer they were for it.
Change The Blades (I Need To Slit My Wrists Now)
By Paul McGann and the Timelords
"Four inches of blackening tar
Clogging up your pores.
And twelve Euros' worth of
Woolworths soap,
To leave him
Smelling like a horse.
This palace smells like
A brothel
Where there's no... one... about
I'm definitely high off of something
And I don't believe
I can get these stains out.
You've got to change the blades,
Shave away your sorrow.
Change the blades,
Shave away your sin.
Change the blades,
Take this bimbo offa me.
Change the blades,
Carve away my skin.
Well, I've had it up to here
With your arid, barren wasteland,
Making the mother of my child
Look like the face... of... perversity
I should have... stuck... to England
All I wanted was to dump her
At the first opportunity
Then perhaps maybe I could escape to
A bizarre... ceremony... of lust!
You've got to change the blades,
Shave away your sorrow.
Change the blades,
Shave away your sin.
Change the blades,
Take this bimbo offa me.
Change the blades,
Carve away my skin.
Shit, this script is shit
I can't cope with this so-called plot
Just a rip-off of poor Fellinni
And no-one seems to care a jot.
Just where is this so-called contract
That I'm supposed to have signed?
It's got the Mark of McGann beside the X
Oh, how I curse that dotted line."
8th Doctor - The Stones of Venice (i)
Serial 8B - The Stoned of Venice
An Alternative Program Guide By Ewen Campion-Clarke
Fifth Entry in the EC Unauthorized Program Guide O' Horny Linoleum
D O C T O R W H O
Serial 8B - The Stoned of Venice -
Once again, the Doctor has done what he does best; snuck into the British Museum without paying, dared touch something marked 'Do not touch', been attacked by a psychotic tour guide, and been chased up countless identical corridors.
However, other patrons of the museum don't seem very pleased about it. As the Doctor and Charley flee for their lives, steps ahead of the angry mob, the Doctor is already planning their next trip, and the thought of a strip-club in Venice pops into his head.
Once safely back in the TARDIS, Charley goes complain to Serge about what a screwball the Time Lord is, believing that the seal will even be remotely interested in what she says.
However, the Doctor knows their temporary pet will snap sooner or later and pump Charley full of lead. In the meantime, Venice is as good a place as any for Charley to fall in love with some passing gondolier, and better than some...
Part One - The Strange Daze
There is a strange daze over the populace of Venice. The grand marble palaces are wreathed with an odd-smelling fog and the crowd is generally relaxed and aren't particularly inclined to party as if there's no tomorrow, which there may not be. They just don't care.
The ruler of the city, Duke Insanity IV, does not wish his subscription to Reader's Digest to be renewed; he is mired in self-pity and melancholy, and can think of nothing else but some nice snacks and wonders if his love Bestseller will eventually come back from the shops as she promised.
His curator, Churchill, sighs and reminds the Duke that Bestseller "popped out for some milk" over a century ago and is probably not coming back, and even if she did, she's not going to forgive him easily for gambling away what he could never replace - her life-size baboon statue made entirely out of maple syrup.
It is little wonder that she set fire to the gigantic Venetian cannabis crop and cursed him and this city to being stoned forever after such a betrayal.
Churchill is concerned with saving the highly-immoral Italian lithographs and other pornographic treasures that remain in the Duke's private collection, but the duke has little inclination for self-abuse and less interest in bathing.
The Duke knows his people are getting the munchies, and as he departs for the ballroom, still praying for Bestseller's miraculous return with some Mars bars, Churchill returns to his gallery to spank the monkey one last time.
Charley has never been to Venice, but suspects that the TARDIS has missed the waterlogged city and simply arrived in the Thames. The Doctor quietly changes the subject back to Venitian gondoliers and how attractive they are - a charming and sinister breed, desolate and ruined by day but throbbing sex on a stick by night and not just weird twits playing accordions out of key.
The duo emerge into a strong fog and discover that most of Venice has been evacuated. Charley is worried that the city is about to be destroyed by some mysterious calamity, and the Doctor quickly points out that the property rates are no doubt fantastic and it's the perfect place for a young pregnant nymphomaniac to settle down and shag Italians.
Suddenly, they come across a drug-addled tramp called Eleanor Rigby. Rigby is far too embarrassed by her name to risk leaving a city of stoned wasters and face a world of people sober enough to crack bad Beatle jokes at her.
Soon, the marijuana fog will disperse and the cold turkey will set in. Death and destruction will reign and life itself will be extinguished.
"Cool!" drawls the Doctor.
Charley is disgusted with the Doctor, who was supposed to take her somewhere glamorous and exciting, but instead brought her to a dying city full of high revelers and the suicidally depressed.
The Doctor insists that it's all so much of muchness and suggests that ballrooms in every building are more exciting than blackmailing a Time Lord for child support.
Rigby gives up and leaves the domestic pair to their wrangling, but she feels sure that they will meet again as story reaches episode four.
The Doctor offers to make up for his foolish mistake and takes Charley out to find the last great party at the end of the world... and dump her there.
Catching a passing punt used by the gondolier, Pietro, the Doctor begins boasting how remarkable their host's physique is and how he probably looks even better out of the stripy shirt and straw hat. Charley retorts that if the Doctor finds the idea of gondoliers so damn sexy, he can shag one himself.
Pietro shakes his head, realizing that his passengers are genuinely fruitcakes and not simply passers-by driven insane by pot. Being a particularly spiteful and sadistic clan, the gondoliers are looking forward to the end of the Stoned Age, unlike the other drunken and foolish revelers, whose only interest is to see if being sober is as good as all the health pamphlets say it is.
They arrive at their destination, and Charley, who was expecting a violent orgy of booze and drugs, is surprised and irritated to find that the Doctor has instead taken her to an art gallery where surrealistic nudes hang on display. Not paintings, but actual models who found themselves reluctant to move from their erotic poses and have stayed like this for years.
Charley tells the Doctor that she is just popping out for some tampons, but she has instead ditched him on the spot. Leaving the Time Lord to his insane babblings of relief and joy, Charley goes out with Pietro, but is soon put off by his unusual habit of "cultspotting", where he watches a group of hooded figures who seem to be searching the streets for something and marks down their serial numbers.
Pietro is delighted to spot their leader, the High Priest Vincenzo, which is worth 50 points! Awkwardly Pietro admits that there is only one actual cult in Venice, the cult of Bestseller.
Charley suggests they do something - anything! - else and offers several immoral acts to Pietro, who is so shocked he decides to take Charley to a hidden place where his people rest and prove he is no longer a virgin...
The Doctor is no longer as good at breaking into museums as he used to be, but he is respectful enough of the kinky models to convince Churchill to give him a guided tour. The Doctor is particularly fascinated by what appears to be a woman sitting on a horse eating a banana, and is appalled to learn that the Duke is unwilling to let them get naughty postcards of the artworks.
According to Churchill, all the Duke ever does is count his varicose veins, snort mucus through his left nostril and ask if his lost love Bestseller can buy him some biscuits. There is nothing remaining of her but an infamous adult publication which is rumored to show her mounting a Dustbin.
Churchill is hounded day and night by fanatics who believe that he's hoarding this magazine somewhere in his gallery - and to his immense regret, he isn't.
As far as he is concerned, Bestseller died a hundred years ago; the Duke is only alive now because of his bewildering decree to put the clocks forward a century for the sheer hell of it.
Churchill is also disturbed by the Doctor's fascination with this story, and by his claim that he's seen this all before at the Cannes Film Festival, only much better.
As Churchill tries to usher the Doctor out of his gallery, the Doctor brings him up short by claiming to have a vast library of naughty comics which he can search for "Venetian Sluts With Marrows, Vol. 2, Ish. 33".
However, just as he catches Churchill's attention, he realizes for the first time that Charley has been using these mags as lining for her litter tray - he refuses to let her foulness touch the TARDIS plumbing as a matter of principal.
He thus rushes off in search of a kebab, with the suddenly desperate Churchill at his heels.
Pietro takes Charley to a ramshackle dwelling where the gondoliers rest and plot against the complacent upper classes who treat them as nothing more than dull-witted transport - and find the place deserted.
Pietro hastily explains that, living in constant doped air does strange things to the mind and suggests that half the population of Venice is just a drug-induced hallucination.
One look at Pietro's dungeons and dragons collection and soiled sheets and Charley begs for release. Pietro agrees on the condition they rise up against the oppressive self-indulgent Duke for a hundred years and bloody well play an April Fool's gag on them.
Charley agrees, anything, just let her out of this madhouse where a "Parental Advisory Lyrics" poster has its own shrine for being TOO cutting edge.
As the increasingly desperate Doctor searches for some all-night takeaway, Churchill tries to lure him back to the gallery with tales of young cheerleaders.
As fascinating as the story is, the Doctor is more concerned with finding something to eat, and before Churchill knows it, night has fallen. He's as lost as the Doctor is in Venice's twisting and deceptive streets - everything beyond the red light district is alien territory to the both of them.
Suddenly, the Cult of Bestseller emerge from the shadows and explain that they are equally lost and desperate for some confectionery. Vincenzo is triumphant; as it was meant to be, Churchill is now his captive, and will bear witness to Bestseller's front page kinkyness...
Part Two - The Stoned of Venice
Charley, meanwhile is - and I apologize if my language is excessively technical on this point - mega pissed off and no mistake.
Although she developed a vague interest in Pietro when he suggested dressing up and role-playing and going to a party of kinky freaks, she has instead been forced to wear a traditional Middle Earth frock while Pietro puts on some big ears and furry feet.
As they head into the ballroom, Charley wonders why fate couldn't have been kind enough to be drugged during proceedings. Pietro replies that he has nothing but contempt for the waiting revelers, who dance, feast and drink with no thought for the gondoliers who have suffered under a century's rule by a weak, self-indulgent duke. Charley points out that at least they have some kind of social life.
The Doctor and Churchill awake in studio - specifically, the Underground Lair Of An Evil Cult Set A) Dungeon Cell with mandatory wobbling walls.
The Doctor, high and dangerous, simply rips down one wall and steps through into Underground Lair of An Evil Cult Set B) Most Holy Sanctum! It's the last night of whacky-baccy, they're surrounded by danger and dark secrets, and much to Churchill's horror, the Doctor is in a tutu.
There's corruption here, and he's the man to run away in the desperate hope it will all sort itself out. Churchill may think him nuttier than squirrel shit but it's a viewpoint which has stood him well so far.
The Doctor promptly tries to steal the props, including a broken clock and a polystyrene coffin painted gold. Inside he finds several plastic bags full of white powder, which he insists he must return for the TARDIS for analysis - and possibly some white wine and good company.
The Doctor closes the coffin again -- mere moments before Vincenzo and his cultists burst from their tea-break in to find them already half-way through the scene: the Cult of Bestseller is making a soap-u-mentry about the Munchies of Venice and the Doctor and Churchill have RUINED the whole fly-on-the-wall feel of the piece.
Rather than put them to death immediately, Vincenzo gives them a chance to save themselves; they must re-take the scene and then infiltrate the Duke's palace and steal Vol. 2, Issue 33 of Venetian Sluts With Marrows to win the prize and come back next week.
The weary Churchill insists once more that there is no such issue, but the Doctor innocently claims that Churchill was using it himself in the ducal apartments. This is just what Vincenzo wants to hear - well, apart from Churchill's disgusting habits - and he triumphantly orders his production crew to return to location.
Pietro and Charley burst into the grand ballroom and Charley announces that she is Bestseller and she's sorry about the delay but the traffic on the main road was awful. She also claims that she's thought it through and yes, the Duke was right: a gigantic syrup statue of a baboon isn't the most practical or pleasant of bathroom toiletries.
The stunned the Duke orders his wasted guests to return to their entertainments, neatly glossing over the fact none of them are conscious enough to eavesdrop. When Rigby suggests that the Duke would have to have more testicles than brain cells to believe this shit from Charley, he loses his temper and points out that it's Murphy's Law - the legends are so utterly unbelievable and cliched they just HAVE to be true. Besides, inhaling pure dope as he has for the last century, he can barely recognize his own reflection, let alone his lost love.
Nevertheless, he now has a handy human shield for when the revelers become ravenous tomorrow morning. When Rigby suggests just getting a huge fricken gun and blowing the heads off everyone who dares approach him, the Duke refuses because the bananas are dipped in silicon.
Charley realizes that the Duke is still just as demented as he was a hundred years ago.
The Doctor and Churchill are now riding the Cult of Bestseller's ecumenical mode of transport - a deluxe model inflatable wombat stolen from Duke Insanity IV's private vault.
Churchill points out that for the last night before the apocalypse, his life is turning to total shit around him. The Doctor is more concerned about the fact he might bump into Charley and fears she might start their "relationship" all over again to listen to Churchill's incessant bitching.
He reminds Churchill that they are, for want of a better plot, on the Duke's side - they aren't doing a suicidal mission for a reality TV show, but are being herded towards safety, or at least a chance to lock themselves in the art gallery as planned.
Churchill snaps, insisting he didn't fight on the beaches and the streets just so he could be told to shut up and be reasonable by some idiot dressed as Lord Byron.
Pietro and Rigby drag Charley kicking and screaming to Bestseller's apartments and find the rooms apparently untouched after a century. Pietro and Charley find themselves oddly disappointed; there're no interesting posters, furnishings or mail-order abdomen-slimmers.
In fact, they come to the conclusion that Bestseller must have been the most utterly boring and predictable woman in the whole of created time. Rigby huffs at this, suggesting that being a duchess isn't all debauchery, debasement or even debauchery in the basement!
When the others sensibly ask how the hell she would know, Rigby tells them to mind their own damn business.
Despite the baffling topography and complete lack of any sense of direction, the cultists and their unwitting accomplices are almost at the palace. It occurs to the Doctor to wonder why the cultists are so determined to get their hands on the porn mag, but Vincenzo will say only that they require it to keep the dads watching between infomercials.
The Doctor has fought apathetic audience ratings before and knows it to be a wearying experience, but it's generally best to take them totally by surprise with a shocking, pointless and easily-resolved cliffhanger.
So saying, he pops the "rubber dingy" with a safety pin and the Doctor, Churchill, Vincenzo and countless screaming priests plunge into the depths of the canal...
Part Three - Irritation
Naturally, all the speaking cast escape this hideous death and, with the canal now stuffed to the gills with dead cultists, it is now only ankle deep.
Vincenzo admits that this development should improve their audience share again, and leads the others into the palace to confront the Duke Insanity IV and maybe get a little nookie from the more attractive revelers. The Duke just giggles to himself as the new arrivals talk to him, but when he learns that Vincenzo is a TV executive, hastily sit up, straightens his crown and tries not to look into the camera.
Vincenzo explains that the doco's format requires the Duke to make a live appearance and congratulate the lucky cult member who gets to keep Bestseller's autographed remains and some Doctor Who pieces of cardboard.
In all the hurly-burly, they pay little attention to the Doctor's attempt to change the subject to the art in Churchill's gallery because the weird painted models in compromising positions are far more interesting than the plot the surrounds them in his opinion.
As the episode has started, Rigby decides that they should return to the party; they may as well spend their last night on Earth enjoying themselves. But Pietro smugly informs her that he will not die as he wears the Nosestud of Calabria Ngentob, the most powerful Artifact in all of Middle Earth.
At this point, Charley and Rigby shake their heads and walk out, throwing the argument downstairs into even more confusion.
Is Charley, as Vincenzo suspects, a member from a rival reality TV show (Extreme Venice 3000) pulling a similar stunt? Is Vincenzo's production crew merely a hallucination from the hemp fumes, as Rigby postulates? Is Churchill's belief that the whole thing is being masterminded by the Duke correct? Or is it, just as the Doctor grunts, a way to pad out 25 minutes adequately?
The Duke has had enough; he takes a knife and cuts Vincenzo's toenails.
This utterly bizarre behavior shuts everyone up for three whole minutes as they watch on in total disbelief. Rigby is disgusted with them all, which isn't particularly surprising.
The Doctor is more concerned with Charley's strange behavior and whether he should skip town now or wait and confirm that she wants to shag Venetian royalty for the rest of her life.
The Duke ignores them all and prepares to storm off to the corner shop and get his own damn snacks, but Rigby warns that this will only cause worse indigestion.
However, the Doctor, Charley, Vincenzo and Churchill go with him on the condition he drop them off at the TARDIS, studio and art gallery respectively.
The Doctor, meanwhile, is brooding on the fact the cultists are another bunch of mad fanatics who worship a body which isn't even there. Is this a biblical parody? The Doctor doubts that the writers are that clever, and suggests it's a variation on the lose/lose formats of reality TV.
He also tries to rationalize the malfunction clock: is it going backwards deliberately so it ticks down the hours to destruction, or is it just a cheap prop?
After twelve minutes trying to get the ducal barge moving, the cast just get out and walk. Charley explains what a hideous time she's been having but is sure she can trick the Duke into marrying her, then kill him so she can take over Venice and make it truly the hellish deathtrap that Pietro assumes it to be on principal.
The Doctor thinks this is the best possible outcome and tries to talk sense into them all; why don't they work together to find a credible resolution to the plot while he runs for his nearby ship and gets to safety while everyone in Venice dies horribly ever after?
Nobody listens, and the Doctor decides to go back to the Duke's wine cellars and empty them out of sheer spite.
As the remainder enter the studio for Vincenzo's program, they discover he has far more contestants than the duke had dreamed, and Vincenzo forces them all onto the main set where the casket waits for the lucky winner.
Despite this photo opportunity, the Duke refuses to stick to the script - he will not glorify the flying goblins who have taken over his shoe cupboard.
As Churchill tries miserably to make sense of this latest statement, a hush falls over the studio as Pietro, the lucky winner, gets to open the casket.
It's empty, but Pietro simply assumes that the prize is the Ring of Geldron which turns everything invisible, and thanks Vincenzo profusely.
The audience aren't fooled and storm the set. As everyone is dragged down by the rampaging mob of drug-crazed Italians, Vincenzo shouts, "And now, a word from our sponsors!"
Part Four - Shave back
The advertisement for "Dustbin Cocaine: Mmmm, That's Good Cocaine" sadly finishes AFTER Charley, Pietro, the Duke, Vincenzo, Rigby and Churchill escape the total carnage in the TV studio and thus prevents us founding out how the hell they survived.
Vincenzo and the Duke are at each other's throats from mary-jane withdrawal, and the latter suddenly becomes desperate to eat a lentil sandwich. Vincenzo realizes that the best lentil restaurant in Venice is, conveniently, the one place he left his escape helicopter for just this sort of emergency.
Only Bestseller's appearance on a porn mag can save them now, as by providing it they might at least fulfill ONE of Vincenzo's advertising promises and calm the mob who is, even now, at their heels.
To Churchill's shock, the Duke admits that there is such a publication, the only memento she allowed him to keep. He set fire it and used it to light up a joint - and action that, in retrospect, doesn't seem 100 per cent clever.
Charley feels that it's too late and that they should fight to the death over who gets to escape in the one-man helicopter - hopefully, the Survivor-style slaughter will quiet the audience long enough for the winner to flee for their life.
The Duke refuses to take orders from a lemon sherbet such as Charley, and they return to the ducal palace out of a lack of any original plot development.
The palace is deserted but for the Doctor, who is ransacking the apartments for all he's worth. At this sight, and with every one running around trying to find a 100 year old porn mag to please a most-likely-non-existent audience, Rigby snaps. SHE is Bestseller - and, although a hundred years have passed LEGALLY, she's only been missing for forty hours and cannot believe the lunacy that has occurred simply because she took a long walk.
Vincenzo bows down before her and, much to her disgust, asks her if she would like her own sitcom "Spoonbending with Miss Nude"?
The Duke demands his pint of milk and gets a slap in the face.
The Doctor has had enough and suspects the viewers have as well. All he wanted to do was dump his psycho-stalker girlfriend in a city full of weirdoes, and it turns out that she's the most well-adjusted of the lot of them!
An insane duke, his boring lover, their randy arts minister, a part-time hobbit full time gondolier and a TV executive determined to get a BAFTA for it all are not worth his - or indeed anyone's - time. All that is happening now has been caused by the will of two people, and it's up to those two people to stop it.
But Bestseller refuses; she has damned the city quite thoroughly, but the Doctor just yawns and suggests she simply reverse the polarity of the neutron flow. Bestseller remarks she hadn't thought of this particular course of action and pops out to do just that.
The Duke reveals the truth: he IS the polarity of the neutron flow! With this revelation, he cackles insanely, assumes the "teapot" position, hops in the corner of the room and drops dead. "He died as he lived," Churchill eulogizes. "A total fucking lunatic, through and through."
Pietro is the first to notice that the palace seems to be spinning, and when the Doctor pulls aside the curtains, they see that the sky is full of smoke - the stock of illegal grass is burning again and the people of Venice will soon be stoned off their arses once more.
Vincenzo flees, taking with him the remains of the duke, no doubt to start a whole new sitcom based around him. Churchill wants to know the fate of his porn collection, but he can wait; he doesn't want to end up like Pietro, an obsessed wanker.
The Doctor, pleased with the outcome, suggests the first thing the new regime does is create a spatio-temporal barrier that will prevent the TARDIS from arriving in Venice ever again.
Stealing Pietro's gondola, the Doctor punts back to the TARDIS at top speed. Charley has smuggled herself aboard, however, and, as they reach the police box, neither can quite believe that all of this fuss and mythology is COMPLETELY TYPICAL of Venice and in no way at all out of the ordinary.
Charley vows she will never abandon the Doctor like Bestseller did the Duke.
The credits roll over the wailing Doctor bashing his head against the TARDIS again and again.
An Alternative Program Guide By Ewen Campion-Clarke
Fifth Entry in the EC Unauthorized Program Guide O' Horny Linoleum
D O C T O R W H O
Serial 8B - The Stoned of Venice -
Once again, the Doctor has done what he does best; snuck into the British Museum without paying, dared touch something marked 'Do not touch', been attacked by a psychotic tour guide, and been chased up countless identical corridors.
However, other patrons of the museum don't seem very pleased about it. As the Doctor and Charley flee for their lives, steps ahead of the angry mob, the Doctor is already planning their next trip, and the thought of a strip-club in Venice pops into his head.
Once safely back in the TARDIS, Charley goes complain to Serge about what a screwball the Time Lord is, believing that the seal will even be remotely interested in what she says.
However, the Doctor knows their temporary pet will snap sooner or later and pump Charley full of lead. In the meantime, Venice is as good a place as any for Charley to fall in love with some passing gondolier, and better than some...
Part One - The Strange Daze
There is a strange daze over the populace of Venice. The grand marble palaces are wreathed with an odd-smelling fog and the crowd is generally relaxed and aren't particularly inclined to party as if there's no tomorrow, which there may not be. They just don't care.
The ruler of the city, Duke Insanity IV, does not wish his subscription to Reader's Digest to be renewed; he is mired in self-pity and melancholy, and can think of nothing else but some nice snacks and wonders if his love Bestseller will eventually come back from the shops as she promised.
His curator, Churchill, sighs and reminds the Duke that Bestseller "popped out for some milk" over a century ago and is probably not coming back, and even if she did, she's not going to forgive him easily for gambling away what he could never replace - her life-size baboon statue made entirely out of maple syrup.
It is little wonder that she set fire to the gigantic Venetian cannabis crop and cursed him and this city to being stoned forever after such a betrayal.
Churchill is concerned with saving the highly-immoral Italian lithographs and other pornographic treasures that remain in the Duke's private collection, but the duke has little inclination for self-abuse and less interest in bathing.
The Duke knows his people are getting the munchies, and as he departs for the ballroom, still praying for Bestseller's miraculous return with some Mars bars, Churchill returns to his gallery to spank the monkey one last time.
Charley has never been to Venice, but suspects that the TARDIS has missed the waterlogged city and simply arrived in the Thames. The Doctor quietly changes the subject back to Venitian gondoliers and how attractive they are - a charming and sinister breed, desolate and ruined by day but throbbing sex on a stick by night and not just weird twits playing accordions out of key.
The duo emerge into a strong fog and discover that most of Venice has been evacuated. Charley is worried that the city is about to be destroyed by some mysterious calamity, and the Doctor quickly points out that the property rates are no doubt fantastic and it's the perfect place for a young pregnant nymphomaniac to settle down and shag Italians.
Suddenly, they come across a drug-addled tramp called Eleanor Rigby. Rigby is far too embarrassed by her name to risk leaving a city of stoned wasters and face a world of people sober enough to crack bad Beatle jokes at her.
Soon, the marijuana fog will disperse and the cold turkey will set in. Death and destruction will reign and life itself will be extinguished.
"Cool!" drawls the Doctor.
Charley is disgusted with the Doctor, who was supposed to take her somewhere glamorous and exciting, but instead brought her to a dying city full of high revelers and the suicidally depressed.
The Doctor insists that it's all so much of muchness and suggests that ballrooms in every building are more exciting than blackmailing a Time Lord for child support.
Rigby gives up and leaves the domestic pair to their wrangling, but she feels sure that they will meet again as story reaches episode four.
The Doctor offers to make up for his foolish mistake and takes Charley out to find the last great party at the end of the world... and dump her there.
Catching a passing punt used by the gondolier, Pietro, the Doctor begins boasting how remarkable their host's physique is and how he probably looks even better out of the stripy shirt and straw hat. Charley retorts that if the Doctor finds the idea of gondoliers so damn sexy, he can shag one himself.
Pietro shakes his head, realizing that his passengers are genuinely fruitcakes and not simply passers-by driven insane by pot. Being a particularly spiteful and sadistic clan, the gondoliers are looking forward to the end of the Stoned Age, unlike the other drunken and foolish revelers, whose only interest is to see if being sober is as good as all the health pamphlets say it is.
They arrive at their destination, and Charley, who was expecting a violent orgy of booze and drugs, is surprised and irritated to find that the Doctor has instead taken her to an art gallery where surrealistic nudes hang on display. Not paintings, but actual models who found themselves reluctant to move from their erotic poses and have stayed like this for years.
Charley tells the Doctor that she is just popping out for some tampons, but she has instead ditched him on the spot. Leaving the Time Lord to his insane babblings of relief and joy, Charley goes out with Pietro, but is soon put off by his unusual habit of "cultspotting", where he watches a group of hooded figures who seem to be searching the streets for something and marks down their serial numbers.
Pietro is delighted to spot their leader, the High Priest Vincenzo, which is worth 50 points! Awkwardly Pietro admits that there is only one actual cult in Venice, the cult of Bestseller.
Charley suggests they do something - anything! - else and offers several immoral acts to Pietro, who is so shocked he decides to take Charley to a hidden place where his people rest and prove he is no longer a virgin...
The Doctor is no longer as good at breaking into museums as he used to be, but he is respectful enough of the kinky models to convince Churchill to give him a guided tour. The Doctor is particularly fascinated by what appears to be a woman sitting on a horse eating a banana, and is appalled to learn that the Duke is unwilling to let them get naughty postcards of the artworks.
According to Churchill, all the Duke ever does is count his varicose veins, snort mucus through his left nostril and ask if his lost love Bestseller can buy him some biscuits. There is nothing remaining of her but an infamous adult publication which is rumored to show her mounting a Dustbin.
Churchill is hounded day and night by fanatics who believe that he's hoarding this magazine somewhere in his gallery - and to his immense regret, he isn't.
As far as he is concerned, Bestseller died a hundred years ago; the Duke is only alive now because of his bewildering decree to put the clocks forward a century for the sheer hell of it.
Churchill is also disturbed by the Doctor's fascination with this story, and by his claim that he's seen this all before at the Cannes Film Festival, only much better.
As Churchill tries to usher the Doctor out of his gallery, the Doctor brings him up short by claiming to have a vast library of naughty comics which he can search for "Venetian Sluts With Marrows, Vol. 2, Ish. 33".
However, just as he catches Churchill's attention, he realizes for the first time that Charley has been using these mags as lining for her litter tray - he refuses to let her foulness touch the TARDIS plumbing as a matter of principal.
He thus rushes off in search of a kebab, with the suddenly desperate Churchill at his heels.
Pietro takes Charley to a ramshackle dwelling where the gondoliers rest and plot against the complacent upper classes who treat them as nothing more than dull-witted transport - and find the place deserted.
Pietro hastily explains that, living in constant doped air does strange things to the mind and suggests that half the population of Venice is just a drug-induced hallucination.
One look at Pietro's dungeons and dragons collection and soiled sheets and Charley begs for release. Pietro agrees on the condition they rise up against the oppressive self-indulgent Duke for a hundred years and bloody well play an April Fool's gag on them.
Charley agrees, anything, just let her out of this madhouse where a "Parental Advisory Lyrics" poster has its own shrine for being TOO cutting edge.
As the increasingly desperate Doctor searches for some all-night takeaway, Churchill tries to lure him back to the gallery with tales of young cheerleaders.
As fascinating as the story is, the Doctor is more concerned with finding something to eat, and before Churchill knows it, night has fallen. He's as lost as the Doctor is in Venice's twisting and deceptive streets - everything beyond the red light district is alien territory to the both of them.
Suddenly, the Cult of Bestseller emerge from the shadows and explain that they are equally lost and desperate for some confectionery. Vincenzo is triumphant; as it was meant to be, Churchill is now his captive, and will bear witness to Bestseller's front page kinkyness...
Part Two - The Stoned of Venice
Charley, meanwhile is - and I apologize if my language is excessively technical on this point - mega pissed off and no mistake.
Although she developed a vague interest in Pietro when he suggested dressing up and role-playing and going to a party of kinky freaks, she has instead been forced to wear a traditional Middle Earth frock while Pietro puts on some big ears and furry feet.
As they head into the ballroom, Charley wonders why fate couldn't have been kind enough to be drugged during proceedings. Pietro replies that he has nothing but contempt for the waiting revelers, who dance, feast and drink with no thought for the gondoliers who have suffered under a century's rule by a weak, self-indulgent duke. Charley points out that at least they have some kind of social life.
The Doctor and Churchill awake in studio - specifically, the Underground Lair Of An Evil Cult Set A) Dungeon Cell with mandatory wobbling walls.
The Doctor, high and dangerous, simply rips down one wall and steps through into Underground Lair of An Evil Cult Set B) Most Holy Sanctum! It's the last night of whacky-baccy, they're surrounded by danger and dark secrets, and much to Churchill's horror, the Doctor is in a tutu.
There's corruption here, and he's the man to run away in the desperate hope it will all sort itself out. Churchill may think him nuttier than squirrel shit but it's a viewpoint which has stood him well so far.
The Doctor promptly tries to steal the props, including a broken clock and a polystyrene coffin painted gold. Inside he finds several plastic bags full of white powder, which he insists he must return for the TARDIS for analysis - and possibly some white wine and good company.
The Doctor closes the coffin again -- mere moments before Vincenzo and his cultists burst from their tea-break in to find them already half-way through the scene: the Cult of Bestseller is making a soap-u-mentry about the Munchies of Venice and the Doctor and Churchill have RUINED the whole fly-on-the-wall feel of the piece.
Rather than put them to death immediately, Vincenzo gives them a chance to save themselves; they must re-take the scene and then infiltrate the Duke's palace and steal Vol. 2, Issue 33 of Venetian Sluts With Marrows to win the prize and come back next week.
The weary Churchill insists once more that there is no such issue, but the Doctor innocently claims that Churchill was using it himself in the ducal apartments. This is just what Vincenzo wants to hear - well, apart from Churchill's disgusting habits - and he triumphantly orders his production crew to return to location.
Pietro and Charley burst into the grand ballroom and Charley announces that she is Bestseller and she's sorry about the delay but the traffic on the main road was awful. She also claims that she's thought it through and yes, the Duke was right: a gigantic syrup statue of a baboon isn't the most practical or pleasant of bathroom toiletries.
The stunned the Duke orders his wasted guests to return to their entertainments, neatly glossing over the fact none of them are conscious enough to eavesdrop. When Rigby suggests that the Duke would have to have more testicles than brain cells to believe this shit from Charley, he loses his temper and points out that it's Murphy's Law - the legends are so utterly unbelievable and cliched they just HAVE to be true. Besides, inhaling pure dope as he has for the last century, he can barely recognize his own reflection, let alone his lost love.
Nevertheless, he now has a handy human shield for when the revelers become ravenous tomorrow morning. When Rigby suggests just getting a huge fricken gun and blowing the heads off everyone who dares approach him, the Duke refuses because the bananas are dipped in silicon.
Charley realizes that the Duke is still just as demented as he was a hundred years ago.
The Doctor and Churchill are now riding the Cult of Bestseller's ecumenical mode of transport - a deluxe model inflatable wombat stolen from Duke Insanity IV's private vault.
Churchill points out that for the last night before the apocalypse, his life is turning to total shit around him. The Doctor is more concerned about the fact he might bump into Charley and fears she might start their "relationship" all over again to listen to Churchill's incessant bitching.
He reminds Churchill that they are, for want of a better plot, on the Duke's side - they aren't doing a suicidal mission for a reality TV show, but are being herded towards safety, or at least a chance to lock themselves in the art gallery as planned.
Churchill snaps, insisting he didn't fight on the beaches and the streets just so he could be told to shut up and be reasonable by some idiot dressed as Lord Byron.
Pietro and Rigby drag Charley kicking and screaming to Bestseller's apartments and find the rooms apparently untouched after a century. Pietro and Charley find themselves oddly disappointed; there're no interesting posters, furnishings or mail-order abdomen-slimmers.
In fact, they come to the conclusion that Bestseller must have been the most utterly boring and predictable woman in the whole of created time. Rigby huffs at this, suggesting that being a duchess isn't all debauchery, debasement or even debauchery in the basement!
When the others sensibly ask how the hell she would know, Rigby tells them to mind their own damn business.
Despite the baffling topography and complete lack of any sense of direction, the cultists and their unwitting accomplices are almost at the palace. It occurs to the Doctor to wonder why the cultists are so determined to get their hands on the porn mag, but Vincenzo will say only that they require it to keep the dads watching between infomercials.
The Doctor has fought apathetic audience ratings before and knows it to be a wearying experience, but it's generally best to take them totally by surprise with a shocking, pointless and easily-resolved cliffhanger.
So saying, he pops the "rubber dingy" with a safety pin and the Doctor, Churchill, Vincenzo and countless screaming priests plunge into the depths of the canal...
Part Three - Irritation
Naturally, all the speaking cast escape this hideous death and, with the canal now stuffed to the gills with dead cultists, it is now only ankle deep.
Vincenzo admits that this development should improve their audience share again, and leads the others into the palace to confront the Duke Insanity IV and maybe get a little nookie from the more attractive revelers. The Duke just giggles to himself as the new arrivals talk to him, but when he learns that Vincenzo is a TV executive, hastily sit up, straightens his crown and tries not to look into the camera.
Vincenzo explains that the doco's format requires the Duke to make a live appearance and congratulate the lucky cult member who gets to keep Bestseller's autographed remains and some Doctor Who pieces of cardboard.
In all the hurly-burly, they pay little attention to the Doctor's attempt to change the subject to the art in Churchill's gallery because the weird painted models in compromising positions are far more interesting than the plot the surrounds them in his opinion.
As the episode has started, Rigby decides that they should return to the party; they may as well spend their last night on Earth enjoying themselves. But Pietro smugly informs her that he will not die as he wears the Nosestud of Calabria Ngentob, the most powerful Artifact in all of Middle Earth.
At this point, Charley and Rigby shake their heads and walk out, throwing the argument downstairs into even more confusion.
Is Charley, as Vincenzo suspects, a member from a rival reality TV show (Extreme Venice 3000) pulling a similar stunt? Is Vincenzo's production crew merely a hallucination from the hemp fumes, as Rigby postulates? Is Churchill's belief that the whole thing is being masterminded by the Duke correct? Or is it, just as the Doctor grunts, a way to pad out 25 minutes adequately?
The Duke has had enough; he takes a knife and cuts Vincenzo's toenails.
This utterly bizarre behavior shuts everyone up for three whole minutes as they watch on in total disbelief. Rigby is disgusted with them all, which isn't particularly surprising.
The Doctor is more concerned with Charley's strange behavior and whether he should skip town now or wait and confirm that she wants to shag Venetian royalty for the rest of her life.
The Duke ignores them all and prepares to storm off to the corner shop and get his own damn snacks, but Rigby warns that this will only cause worse indigestion.
However, the Doctor, Charley, Vincenzo and Churchill go with him on the condition he drop them off at the TARDIS, studio and art gallery respectively.
The Doctor, meanwhile, is brooding on the fact the cultists are another bunch of mad fanatics who worship a body which isn't even there. Is this a biblical parody? The Doctor doubts that the writers are that clever, and suggests it's a variation on the lose/lose formats of reality TV.
He also tries to rationalize the malfunction clock: is it going backwards deliberately so it ticks down the hours to destruction, or is it just a cheap prop?
After twelve minutes trying to get the ducal barge moving, the cast just get out and walk. Charley explains what a hideous time she's been having but is sure she can trick the Duke into marrying her, then kill him so she can take over Venice and make it truly the hellish deathtrap that Pietro assumes it to be on principal.
The Doctor thinks this is the best possible outcome and tries to talk sense into them all; why don't they work together to find a credible resolution to the plot while he runs for his nearby ship and gets to safety while everyone in Venice dies horribly ever after?
Nobody listens, and the Doctor decides to go back to the Duke's wine cellars and empty them out of sheer spite.
As the remainder enter the studio for Vincenzo's program, they discover he has far more contestants than the duke had dreamed, and Vincenzo forces them all onto the main set where the casket waits for the lucky winner.
Despite this photo opportunity, the Duke refuses to stick to the script - he will not glorify the flying goblins who have taken over his shoe cupboard.
As Churchill tries miserably to make sense of this latest statement, a hush falls over the studio as Pietro, the lucky winner, gets to open the casket.
It's empty, but Pietro simply assumes that the prize is the Ring of Geldron which turns everything invisible, and thanks Vincenzo profusely.
The audience aren't fooled and storm the set. As everyone is dragged down by the rampaging mob of drug-crazed Italians, Vincenzo shouts, "And now, a word from our sponsors!"
Part Four - Shave back
The advertisement for "Dustbin Cocaine: Mmmm, That's Good Cocaine" sadly finishes AFTER Charley, Pietro, the Duke, Vincenzo, Rigby and Churchill escape the total carnage in the TV studio and thus prevents us founding out how the hell they survived.
Vincenzo and the Duke are at each other's throats from mary-jane withdrawal, and the latter suddenly becomes desperate to eat a lentil sandwich. Vincenzo realizes that the best lentil restaurant in Venice is, conveniently, the one place he left his escape helicopter for just this sort of emergency.
Only Bestseller's appearance on a porn mag can save them now, as by providing it they might at least fulfill ONE of Vincenzo's advertising promises and calm the mob who is, even now, at their heels.
To Churchill's shock, the Duke admits that there is such a publication, the only memento she allowed him to keep. He set fire it and used it to light up a joint - and action that, in retrospect, doesn't seem 100 per cent clever.
Charley feels that it's too late and that they should fight to the death over who gets to escape in the one-man helicopter - hopefully, the Survivor-style slaughter will quiet the audience long enough for the winner to flee for their life.
The Duke refuses to take orders from a lemon sherbet such as Charley, and they return to the ducal palace out of a lack of any original plot development.
The palace is deserted but for the Doctor, who is ransacking the apartments for all he's worth. At this sight, and with every one running around trying to find a 100 year old porn mag to please a most-likely-non-existent audience, Rigby snaps. SHE is Bestseller - and, although a hundred years have passed LEGALLY, she's only been missing for forty hours and cannot believe the lunacy that has occurred simply because she took a long walk.
Vincenzo bows down before her and, much to her disgust, asks her if she would like her own sitcom "Spoonbending with Miss Nude"?
The Duke demands his pint of milk and gets a slap in the face.
The Doctor has had enough and suspects the viewers have as well. All he wanted to do was dump his psycho-stalker girlfriend in a city full of weirdoes, and it turns out that she's the most well-adjusted of the lot of them!
An insane duke, his boring lover, their randy arts minister, a part-time hobbit full time gondolier and a TV executive determined to get a BAFTA for it all are not worth his - or indeed anyone's - time. All that is happening now has been caused by the will of two people, and it's up to those two people to stop it.
But Bestseller refuses; she has damned the city quite thoroughly, but the Doctor just yawns and suggests she simply reverse the polarity of the neutron flow. Bestseller remarks she hadn't thought of this particular course of action and pops out to do just that.
The Duke reveals the truth: he IS the polarity of the neutron flow! With this revelation, he cackles insanely, assumes the "teapot" position, hops in the corner of the room and drops dead. "He died as he lived," Churchill eulogizes. "A total fucking lunatic, through and through."
Pietro is the first to notice that the palace seems to be spinning, and when the Doctor pulls aside the curtains, they see that the sky is full of smoke - the stock of illegal grass is burning again and the people of Venice will soon be stoned off their arses once more.
Vincenzo flees, taking with him the remains of the duke, no doubt to start a whole new sitcom based around him. Churchill wants to know the fate of his porn collection, but he can wait; he doesn't want to end up like Pietro, an obsessed wanker.
The Doctor, pleased with the outcome, suggests the first thing the new regime does is create a spatio-temporal barrier that will prevent the TARDIS from arriving in Venice ever again.
Stealing Pietro's gondola, the Doctor punts back to the TARDIS at top speed. Charley has smuggled herself aboard, however, and, as they reach the police box, neither can quite believe that all of this fuss and mythology is COMPLETELY TYPICAL of Venice and in no way at all out of the ordinary.
Charley vows she will never abandon the Doctor like Bestseller did the Duke.
The credits roll over the wailing Doctor bashing his head against the TARDIS again and again.
8th Doctor - Sword of Orion (ii)
Book(s)/Other Related –
Doctor Who Wishes He Was An Ironing Board
Dr. Who is Bored Shitless (Canada Only)
Doctor Mysterio Repeatedo Snookie!
Indulge Your Wildest Fantasies As You Iron!
Fluffs –
Paul McGann seemed freshly-laundered and wrinkle free in this story.
Goofs –
The rogue Cyberman clearly collapses BEFORE Deeva shoots it - about fifteen minutes before she fires at the area it was occupying.
Serge never actually gets round to castrating Charley with a blunt knife as he vehemently insists he will upon her return to the TARDIS.
I'm also pretty certain huge clouds of liquid cheese AREN'T drifting through the wastes of deep space, searching for Cybermen to annihilate.
Fashion Victims –
Kelsey's straw hat, tartan shirt and denim overalls. And why does he chew that stalk of corn, anyway? Is it addictive?
The rest of the recon team's Armageddon-style space suits have embroidered patches in the knee, elbow and crotch areas.
Technobabble -
Doctor: Of course the molecular bonding circuits are the most important part of any half-decent anti-gravity flyer, but they're as expensive as hen's teeth and twice as rare. I suppose that's why old Jeffery used old chewing gum to keep one's feet steady. I remember his trial. Very eloquent defense, I thought. "I may have doomed thousands of unsuspecting commuters to a horrible, fiery demise, but at least I'm cost-effective about it!"
Links and References -
The Doctor reminds us you should never, ever put your head into something marked HEAD REMOVER (The Loonbase).
This story also explains a lot of troublesome Cyber-continuity, like why the Cybermen call the Doctor "Cuddles" in Return of the Cybermen, and why they blame him for their failed relationship in Earthshag.
Untelevised Misadventures -
The Doctor insists that there is a race of giant cockroaches who assume human form in order to suck your brains out with a straw. Serge insists he's lying - there are preying mantis who do that, but not cockroaches!
The Doctor tells the Cyber race they've really let themselves go since their stint at the Radio Times comic strip.
Groovy DVD Extras -
Exclusive fan video "Doctor Who: The Warriors of Espia" by Aaron Climas, starring Adam Taylor as the Doctor is included to show that, no matter how awful you think the current output of Doctor Who is, it could be worse.
With music stolen from Bored of Ironing, and sound effects from Blake's 7, this stunning extravaganza shows the Doctor, Tim and Crayil fighting Servalan, the Levithian Invincibles (from The Ribald Operation) and the Snotarans who, for reasons unknown, do not actually appear in the finished film.
There. Colin Baker doesn't seem so bad now, does he, huh?
Dialogue Disasters -
Deeva: You realize I can force you to take me?
Doctor: No force needed, believe you me. And may I say, what a packed bra you're wearing?
Cyber Leader: While you members of the Earth Alliance pass yourselves off as champions of truth and peddle your reformist illusions in the capitalistic press we are supposed to defend democracy by blowing up small, electrical animals?
Deeva: That's about the size of it.
Charley: One of these days, I think I'll shag myself into an early grave.
Doctor: Early? Overdue, more like.
Charley: Don't go all soft on me, Doctor!
Doctor: That, Charley, is what a sonic screwdriver is for!
Dialogue Triumphs -
Cyber Leader: Open the TARDIS and we will dismember the human female.
Doctor: Fair enough. DAMN IT, I JUST LOVE INHUMAN KILLERS FROM TELOS!
Vol: Your idea of firm parenting is to bash a child's head against the wall fifteen times?
Charley: Yup. It's what mother did to me when I told her daddy was shagging Great Aunt Patricia.
Cyber Leader: Why not ask yourself, Miss Jansen, what sort of democracy requires the services of inhuman killers such as us? I'll tell you. A Bourgeois democracy - which wears a thin skin of human rights to keep out the cold!
Doctor: Uh, what's going on?
Deeva: But when things heap up, when the rotten plots of the ruling classes fail to silence the incessant cries of "Pee-kaa-chu!", well, then they'll shed their skins and dump you, as they did in 1986, and set their wildest perversions loose upon us all!
Charley: Seriously, what are you talking about?
Cyber Leader: What has the defeat of the Cyber Empire and the destruction of home planet Monday have to do with all this?
Deeva: Well, it's the purest example so far of the failure of the "cyber-conversion" road to socialism, isn't it?
Ike: Hey, Helen, this is Dario Fo! Get back to the script!
Cyber Leader: He'll get his royalties. Who's moaning?
Vol: You've got a high powered space vixen on your tail now, Ike.
Ike: This is so unfair, Vol. Why do you always get to play Lara Croft I always have to play the evil undead mummies who get disemboweled?
Vol: It's my PlayStation!
Cyber Leader: We only behave according to specific directives. We must provoke the kind of atmosphere in which we can justifiably demand greater oppressive powers. The subhuman Pokémon filth are threatening to engulf our beloved galaxy. Society is falling apart. Action has to be taken. Strengthen the state, crack down on hooligans, drop-outs, drunks, addicts, squatters, demonstrators, heck, anyone with a pulse. We must infiltrate the union militants, round up activists, fatten up the files, polish our iron wills... But suddenly it's all got out of hand and there are huge clouds of cream cheese drifting through space!
Doctor: Good old logic - the last refuge of a cybernetic scoundrel.
Doctor: Katarina, Sara, Dodo, Jamie, Liz, Harry, Adric, Gus, Nyssa, Kamelion, Peri, Angela, Evelyn, Olla, Ace, Grace and now Charley. Innocent - well, fairly-innocent - all right, not-at-all innocent lives that I drag into my endless games that I play with space and time. Won't I ever earn? Hey, wait a minute, I'm thinking of the Sexual Toymaker! Again! I must stop doing that. Yeah, all of them had it coming if you ask me.
Charley: Doctor, are these Cybermen an alien species?
Doctor: Depends how you define alien. They were human once, before they started fiddling with themselves. When you look at a Cyberman you might be looking at yourself a few thousands years on - tacky, uncool and sexually frustrated. Does that
make them alien? One thing's certain, unless we get out of this mediocre plot line, there's a very good chance they'll turn us into Cybermen. Who'll be the alien then?
Charley: Well, the French, of course.
UnQuotable Quote -
Chev: That's as may be.
Viewer Quotes -
"Space is very big, very cold, and will kill you given the slightest opportunity. Where did I leave that head of mine?"
- a confused Douglas Adams (1998)
"In his fourth story, the Eighth Doctor shows few mannerisms specific to this regeneration. He's in rapid-fire observe/seduce/shag mode throughout, and Charley comes across as a watered-down blonde 1930s Ace who is able to rewire a malfunctioning grav-bad with only her shoelaces and some toiletries as if she's been travelling in space for years! How come this sort of shit always happens to the Doctor and his companion when they're in trouble but never to me when I'm stuck on a school bus about to explode if it drops below sixty-six miles per hour?"
- Keanu Reeves (2002)
"The cast give faultless performances, though the fact there are no cast members in this story makes it hard to distinguish between them."
- a confused theatre critic who thought he was watching "Zen and the Art of Ironing" (2001)
"The Music makes this an unmistakably Cyberman story, by turns referencing The Tense Planet, Return of the Cybermen and The Sheep in Spandex. This is due to the fact it IS the music from those stories. I just told everyone I did it all myself."
- the composer of Bored of Ironing's incidental music (2000)
"Too long. Too, too long. It is very nearly at two hours and that is just TOO LONG! Why have a plot that takes two hours to tell? Why not have a transvestite orgy instead? That could take more than two hours to tell! Much of the opening episode is superfluous. Getting to the point faster would, admittedly, leave Part One running 20 minutes short and we would know all the characters a lot less... which is just another reason to do so. Maybe we could have used the extra time for a depiction of the Pokémon wars, or an explanation for what the hell Deeva is up to, or just a 20-minute steamy shower scene with Charley misplacing the soap?" - Father James O'Maley (2002)
"Entertaining as the slaughter of two red T-shirts in the first scene is, the murder on the Orient Express would have been more interesting if it had been at the furry paws of a Pokémon. Or if they had BEEN Pokémon. Or if ONE of them had been a Pokémon. Or maybe the revelation that the Garazone system is smuggling Pokémon instead of sheets... Why this fuss about Cybermen in the first place? Pokémon is what we want!"
- Regos Krang, Leader of The Cyberman Appreciation Society (2007)
"If the film Alien had begun with half an hour of the ship's crew preparing to embark, cut out most of the alien murders and replaced then with Cybermen, added the Doctor and Charley, re-edited it into four long episodes and introduced a subplot about huge clusters of stellar cheese and ended on a stupid Thought for the Day, it would have turned out not too unlike Bored of Ironing. Actually, it's not a very good metaphor, is it?" - Delta Goodrem (2019)
"Soiled salubrious salvage spaceship stops suddenly, swerving slickly saving sinister silver star-destroyer's savage silver spacemen suspended shimmering... feet."
- alliterative Doctor Who plots, Nigel Verkoff, www.iseriouslyhavetoomuchtimeonmyhands.com.au
"That is has come to this: being spoofed by an awful radio sci-fi fad!"
- Dario Fo (1978)
"According to the online poll of best Oddly Videos at www.NickBriggsisGod!@justyce.org, Bored of Ironing is the very best fan production ever. Terrifying, isn't it?"
- TheMiller98 at Outpost Gallifrey (2004)
Psychotic Nostalgia -
"Ah! The Cybermen! Some say they surgically removed their nasal hair. I prefer salad tongs."
Paul McGann Speaks!
"I've never really been a fan of the Cybermen. I mean, the Dustbins had their moments, but they could never follow you upstairs. They could simply blow up the ground floor and wait you to drop down to their level and THEN kill you, but when you start adding provisos like that, you're not exactly scaring the crap out of anyone, let alone me. Don't get me wrong, I like to scare myself. I'm very Catholic in that sense. Indeed, it's part of my method acting. Every time the Doctor needs to look even vaguely anxious, I always make sure that I've just spoken to Sylvester McCoy before the cameras start rolling. Of course, that lead to that awkward time during "The Crime of Fright-Night" when a technical fault left me with McCoy for around fifteen minutes. Caused endless retakes because the director complained I'd crossed the line between 'cautiously grave' to 'convulsing with mortal terror'. Picky, picky, picky."
India Fisher Speaks!
"Yes, after The Stoned of Venice, things did settle down somewhat... What WAS my second story? It's a total blank. Weird. I can't remember a thing about it. Not even its name. The only thing I remember is... it was very boring and tedious. There were some people on a ship. They walked around and talked. Cybermen attacked them. The people on the ship walked around and talked and shot things. Traitors... blah blah, yawn. No suspense, no drama, just booorriingg... Apart from that, though, I can't remember a thing about it."
Nicholas Briggs Speaks!
"Of all the Oddly Videos, Bored of Ironing is the most popular - and I thought that, with the technology, acting and restraining orders available now, it would be the best thing in the world to do. Screw peace on Earth and goodwill to all men, I want to make Bored of Ironing with a budget higher than Mum's pocket money! I mean, we've done some things loosely based on Oddly Videos before... VERY loosely based... In fact, bar the title, I swear not a single element has survived in that new version... Sorry. Anyway, we've based Bored of Ironing heavily on Bored of Ironing - it's just updated and made it worse. Not better, but worse, because the original is the best thing since the Bible. Hopefully, thousands of Big Finish fans will get a taste of the sheer brilliance that is Oddly Videos, and flock to me in the thousands! Hah! Thousands, I tell you! I'm gonna be rich! FILTHY... STINKING... RIIICHH!!!!!!!"
Trivia -
The cover of Bored of Ironing features four wallabies, characters who do not appear in the play. This refers to the off-screen casting situation - every single Cyberman in this story was to played by a Mexican at the express wish of writer, director, star and originator of Bored of Ironing. Ultimately, not enough Mexicans could be found to play the Cybermen and so four wallabies from the local zoo were drafted in for the crowd scenes
Rumors & Facts -
Anyone who likes hard, Isaac Asimov-style science fiction, Blade Runner and tense, atmospheric confrontations with classic enemies is sure to be utterly disappointed with Bored of Ironing.
It says a lot that this is a story about a mysterious derelict space-ship full of Cybermen and we don't get to the derelict space-ship until the end of Part Two. So totally unmemorable was this tale of boring Mexican stand-offs with Cyber-Forces that it did not even lose the Doctor Who Magazine Season poll.
"Even worse than cholera" was the way Jacqueline Rayner, Executive producer for BBC Worldwide described the story, noting that the dull stock characters and pathetic revelations of this story were so bad that not even India Fisher's presence was able to compensate.
Indeed, ripping off most of the plot of Alien does not improve Bored of Ironing, but rather seems to contaminate the Alien series instead. Even the most avid supporter of Bored of Ironing, writer Nicholas Briggs, considers it "sneaking up to average."
The main flaw is a syndrome that scientists have identified as "spoiler amnesia". Spoiler amnesia is the condition in which the author inexcusably forgets that we, the audience, already know who the villain of the piece is because they are named in the title of the story or will appear on the cover. The author then tries to build a great deal of tension around the mystery of who the villain is, despite the fact that we knew it from the first.
This was a Cyberman story. It was made known six months before release that this was a Cyberman story. There's a Cyberman on the cover. And yet, the first two parts are spent trying to figure out what sort of nasty creature is lurking about with only Paul McGann's performance giving any clue the Doctor either knows or cares about this. Why did we have to spend 40 minutes waiting for the author to reveal what we already knew?
Bored of Ironing is the fourth story to feature the Eighth Doctor, and the third to be specifically tailored for another incarnation and then changed vaguely to look like the current incarnation. Bored of Ironing originally featured the Ninth Doctor, The Stoned of Venice the Fifth, Inuit in Hull the Third, Shagged'er II the Fourth, and The Enema Within was written for Hugh Grant's armpit.
Following Big Finish's announcement of "Oh, shit, the Scouser's serious!" there was a massive need for even vaguely useful scripts that would effectively deal with all the regular characters and formats a new Doctor had to suffer through before he was finally accepted by the Who fan community, or the "Death of 1000 Anoraks" as McGann perceptively commented from the safety of his glass fronted Popemobile.
The story's life had begun back in 1999, when Nicholas Briggs' rising resentment against McGann's Doctor lead to him suggesting they do a complete remake of the 1980s totally-for-profit Oddly Videos Doctor Who fan productions. The first story would be the rather terrible adventure The Ultimate Brian, which featured the Dustbins time-scooping the Doctor from the Garazone System, scrambling the Time Lord's temporal DNA and making him the immortal. Thus, Big Finish would discard absolutely everything except for Briggs himself as the toothbrush wielding, psychologically-unbalanced Doctor.
When Gay Russell and Jason Haigh-Ellery told him this did sort of defeat the whole "Eighth Doctor adventure arc", Briggs replied: "Oh, yes, that's right! Focus in on that ONE flaw!"
Briggs went on to suggest they adapt three stories for the Eighth Doctor: the Cyber-orgy, Bored of Ironing, the Dustbin matinee The Mutant Phrase, and the kinky domination saga Inuit in Hull. These were chosen mainly because the rest of the plays lasted 4 minutes apiece and were mainly set in Nick's bedroom, fighting a race of evil, bloodthirsty megalomaniacs known only as "The High School Maths Teacher".
In order to shut Briggs up for a millionth of a second, Russell and JHE agreed to look into adapting the Cybermen-laundry-extravaganza Bored of Ironing, and told Briggs to revise the script.
Briggs was delighted and began listening to the original, morning, noon and night, occasionally bursting into applause and writing self-addressed letters of congratulation to the writer, producer, soundscaper, main star and provider of Cyber voices.
Briggs had started off with the intention of making Bored a fast-paced, totally original story with no cheap gimmicks like monsters or cliched characters. He vowed in front of fourteen witnesses that he would tidy up any and all plot anomalies that bothered absolutely anyone; give the supporting characters genuine, credible motivations with a real sense of terrible secrets and/or ambivalent moral values; to make the little human drama unfolded on the Vanguard the core of the story; and change all the continuing story arc crap and make it self-contained.
One re-listen later, Briggs shrugged and said, "Y'know, it's good enough as is."
This attitude prevailed until Big Finish scoured the coup of blackmailing Paul McGann into a season of stories and scripts were a rare commodity. Since the only completed script at all was Bored of Ironing, it was thrown into the mix at story 17 simply because that was the number Bored of Ironing was given by the Oddly Videos releases and no one could be arsed to change the paperwork.
However, upon reading the story, Russell and JHE carefully put it to one side and backed away slowly, insisting that they could make do with the half-finished scripts that were also available.
They refused to disclose their reasons for not going right ahead with the script, but Briggs suggests in his autobiography "I *Am* Canon, Damn It!" that the cold-blooded murder of a trained otter in scene one was beyond the scope of BF's current production standards.
Russell insists that the otter's death was one of the few ACHIEVABLE moments in the original script and was only dropped due to lack of time and the feeling that sea-bound mammals were already well-represented in Doctor Who.
After three months of silence, Briggs' nerve cracked and he fell on his knees and begged for forgiveness, agreeing to anything in order to get Bored of Ironing back on track.
He was immediately told that the hardcore Dutch Mouth sequence would have to be cut from episode two, and introduction of Star Wars elements including the phrases "Star Destroyer", "A Den of Iniquity" and "I've A Bad Feeling About This" to be included in episode one; also, he should watch the entire Alien saga in a complicated Clockwork-Orange-style getup.
After he had completed the latter task he asked Gay what this had accomplished and got the reply, "Now you know how you make US feel every single day!"
Briggs was under orders to totally restructure the character and activities of the Doctor to suit Paul McGann's interpretation of the role. But rules never meant much to him, so he quoted the legal precedent of Terrance Dicks and insisted that Doctor is the Doctor and the rest is largely up to the actor.
JHE rebutted this by reminding Briggs that the main character in the script was clearly "Nicholas" scribbled out and "Dr Who" written on top of the print in biro. Briggs responded by wailing incoherently and jumping up and down, clutching his ears.
Three counseling sessions and some chloroform later, Briggs accepted the task of altering dialogue and mood in order to capture the Eighth Doctor's trademarked sense of suspicious fun, great warmth and intimations of darkness.
Thus, the day before recording, four scripts entitled "Doctor Who Strangles Encyclopedia Salesmen For Fun and Profit" hit Russell's desk.
The plot consisted of the Doctor and Charley riding a stagecoach into a giant supermarket, to be shocked by the corrupt staff making secret deliveries in the dead of night, and concludes that the Scarab of Necromanta has fallen into the hands of Charles Havelock, who sets a pack of genetically-augmented wolves onto the supermarket. Luckily, the Doctor has the aid of Joel Shaw, leader of the United State of Soviet Russia Anti-Dustbin Force (USSRADF) and Bugs Bunny to call upon. So, after three episodes of machine gun fire, the Doctor giggles insanely and heatbutts a Christmas Tree.
When asked what the hell he was trying to pull, Briggs admitted his adjusted storyline "still had the option of re-invention and re-imagining". JHE pointed out that he could no longer get away with simply transcribing the original crackling, hissing amateur production and then just handing the result over to Paul McGann.
"Prove it," was Briggs' reply.
With less than twelve hours before recording, Russelll and JHE grabbed every edition of the script and every single Cyberman story. With the original series pretty much exhausting every option with the Cybermen, the duo instead opted for a "greatest hits" package in the desperate hope that shoving all these unoriginal elements together, they might achieve a greater whole, like a triple-fried egg sandwich with chili sauce and chutney.
Like that particular meal, Bored of Iron is a cross between fine literature and bacteriological warfare
Thus, there are Cybermen coming out of egg-boxes, Cyberbrats hugging people, loonies, lethal amounts of Cheese, a sexual air supply, unusual lip action and a subplot involving lethal black androids. While this was more of a re-tread rather than a reinvention, Briggs was sadistically satisfied that a surprisingly large amount of the original (typed fervently with two sore fingers on an Olivetti portable typewriter screaming "RESISTANCE IS USELESS!") still survived.
When a reviewer remarked that the Cybermen were the most interesting prospect in Bored of Ironing, Briggs dug a foxhole in concrete and is hiding there till this day.
Every version of Bored of Ironing was cinematic in nature, with the main plot occurring on a broad, futuristic tapestry that made The Chronicles of Riddick look like Pitch Black.
Although Russell and JHE had managed to compact the Cyber encounter into a claustrophobic runaround in a small set, Briggs took advantage of their collapse into a delirious fever to "indulge" himself.
Thus, the first episode occurs in Garazone Central, a city built within an artificial environment floating between the stars, its gigantic bazaar filled with every single alien and monster to appear in Doctor Who EVER (along with all the ones from Red Dwarf), as Disaster Area themselves play an up-tempo version of the theme tune in the background.
However, budget restraints ruined Briggs' dream. The amazing canvas of the Garazone Bazaar was represented by an old gravel quarry, the amazing crowds of humans and aliens were alluded to by a horse wandering back and forth, and the musical background provided by a rather loud cell phone held close to the microphone. Paul McGann adlibbed an surprisingly believable explanation for the sudden rainfall during these scenes: it rains inside the space station because of natural condensation and an ancient air conditioning system.
He was, however, at a loss to explain the horse manure they regularly stepped in.
Disturbed by the lead star's professionalism and refusal to waste his time arguing about Who continuity, Briggs decided to become a far more hands-on and crypto-fascist in his directorial manner. This impression was given credence by the fact he never took off his home-made Cyberman costume and always remained in character as the sexually frustrated Cyber Leader.
Due to this unusual method of production, several clapper boys were dismembered in order to entail cooperation from the main cast. However, both Paul McGann and India Fisher rounded on him, demanding to know why the Doctor and Charley had become less thoughtful characters.
Briggs replied that this wasn't particularly difficult considering how crap they were already - besides, what was so special about the Eighth Doctor and his companion that they shouldn't be allowed to slide towards the generic in their second story like every other pairing in the show's history?
Fisher replied by tying Briggs to the ground and beating him with an axe.
After a similar discussion about making the Vanguard crew the same race, class or simply friends in order for Grash's mutiny to become realistic, Briggs pointed out that the complete LACK of unity made it such a neat plot twist and thus entirely credible for the mutiny to be forgotten mere moments after it had started.
This Cyberman story is unique in there not being a completely pointless change in the voices of the main monsters for the sheer hell of it. Due to amount of time and effort wasted on getting the script in line, there was no obvious way to create a brand new, expressive vocal range for the kinky cyborgs. Apart from hiring Mr. Blobby, of course.
Viewers from all walks of life complimented Big Finish on recreating the Return of the Cybermen and Earthshag Cybervoices with the pitch-blend effect, with the squelchy gurgle to each layered syllable and asked how, under the terrible circumstances behind the scenes, they were able to accomplish this?
Answer: let's just say Paul McGann's experience in telephone sex lines was quite helpful.
Doctor Who Wishes He Was An Ironing Board
Dr. Who is Bored Shitless (Canada Only)
Doctor Mysterio Repeatedo Snookie!
Indulge Your Wildest Fantasies As You Iron!
Fluffs –
Paul McGann seemed freshly-laundered and wrinkle free in this story.
Goofs –
The rogue Cyberman clearly collapses BEFORE Deeva shoots it - about fifteen minutes before she fires at the area it was occupying.
Serge never actually gets round to castrating Charley with a blunt knife as he vehemently insists he will upon her return to the TARDIS.
I'm also pretty certain huge clouds of liquid cheese AREN'T drifting through the wastes of deep space, searching for Cybermen to annihilate.
Fashion Victims –
Kelsey's straw hat, tartan shirt and denim overalls. And why does he chew that stalk of corn, anyway? Is it addictive?
The rest of the recon team's Armageddon-style space suits have embroidered patches in the knee, elbow and crotch areas.
Technobabble -
Doctor: Of course the molecular bonding circuits are the most important part of any half-decent anti-gravity flyer, but they're as expensive as hen's teeth and twice as rare. I suppose that's why old Jeffery used old chewing gum to keep one's feet steady. I remember his trial. Very eloquent defense, I thought. "I may have doomed thousands of unsuspecting commuters to a horrible, fiery demise, but at least I'm cost-effective about it!"
Links and References -
The Doctor reminds us you should never, ever put your head into something marked HEAD REMOVER (The Loonbase).
This story also explains a lot of troublesome Cyber-continuity, like why the Cybermen call the Doctor "Cuddles" in Return of the Cybermen, and why they blame him for their failed relationship in Earthshag.
Untelevised Misadventures -
The Doctor insists that there is a race of giant cockroaches who assume human form in order to suck your brains out with a straw. Serge insists he's lying - there are preying mantis who do that, but not cockroaches!
The Doctor tells the Cyber race they've really let themselves go since their stint at the Radio Times comic strip.
Groovy DVD Extras -
Exclusive fan video "Doctor Who: The Warriors of Espia" by Aaron Climas, starring Adam Taylor as the Doctor is included to show that, no matter how awful you think the current output of Doctor Who is, it could be worse.
With music stolen from Bored of Ironing, and sound effects from Blake's 7, this stunning extravaganza shows the Doctor, Tim and Crayil fighting Servalan, the Levithian Invincibles (from The Ribald Operation) and the Snotarans who, for reasons unknown, do not actually appear in the finished film.
There. Colin Baker doesn't seem so bad now, does he, huh?
Dialogue Disasters -
Deeva: You realize I can force you to take me?
Doctor: No force needed, believe you me. And may I say, what a packed bra you're wearing?
Cyber Leader: While you members of the Earth Alliance pass yourselves off as champions of truth and peddle your reformist illusions in the capitalistic press we are supposed to defend democracy by blowing up small, electrical animals?
Deeva: That's about the size of it.
Charley: One of these days, I think I'll shag myself into an early grave.
Doctor: Early? Overdue, more like.
Charley: Don't go all soft on me, Doctor!
Doctor: That, Charley, is what a sonic screwdriver is for!
Dialogue Triumphs -
Cyber Leader: Open the TARDIS and we will dismember the human female.
Doctor: Fair enough. DAMN IT, I JUST LOVE INHUMAN KILLERS FROM TELOS!
Vol: Your idea of firm parenting is to bash a child's head against the wall fifteen times?
Charley: Yup. It's what mother did to me when I told her daddy was shagging Great Aunt Patricia.
Cyber Leader: Why not ask yourself, Miss Jansen, what sort of democracy requires the services of inhuman killers such as us? I'll tell you. A Bourgeois democracy - which wears a thin skin of human rights to keep out the cold!
Doctor: Uh, what's going on?
Deeva: But when things heap up, when the rotten plots of the ruling classes fail to silence the incessant cries of "Pee-kaa-chu!", well, then they'll shed their skins and dump you, as they did in 1986, and set their wildest perversions loose upon us all!
Charley: Seriously, what are you talking about?
Cyber Leader: What has the defeat of the Cyber Empire and the destruction of home planet Monday have to do with all this?
Deeva: Well, it's the purest example so far of the failure of the "cyber-conversion" road to socialism, isn't it?
Ike: Hey, Helen, this is Dario Fo! Get back to the script!
Cyber Leader: He'll get his royalties. Who's moaning?
Vol: You've got a high powered space vixen on your tail now, Ike.
Ike: This is so unfair, Vol. Why do you always get to play Lara Croft I always have to play the evil undead mummies who get disemboweled?
Vol: It's my PlayStation!
Cyber Leader: We only behave according to specific directives. We must provoke the kind of atmosphere in which we can justifiably demand greater oppressive powers. The subhuman Pokémon filth are threatening to engulf our beloved galaxy. Society is falling apart. Action has to be taken. Strengthen the state, crack down on hooligans, drop-outs, drunks, addicts, squatters, demonstrators, heck, anyone with a pulse. We must infiltrate the union militants, round up activists, fatten up the files, polish our iron wills... But suddenly it's all got out of hand and there are huge clouds of cream cheese drifting through space!
Doctor: Good old logic - the last refuge of a cybernetic scoundrel.
Doctor: Katarina, Sara, Dodo, Jamie, Liz, Harry, Adric, Gus, Nyssa, Kamelion, Peri, Angela, Evelyn, Olla, Ace, Grace and now Charley. Innocent - well, fairly-innocent - all right, not-at-all innocent lives that I drag into my endless games that I play with space and time. Won't I ever earn? Hey, wait a minute, I'm thinking of the Sexual Toymaker! Again! I must stop doing that. Yeah, all of them had it coming if you ask me.
Charley: Doctor, are these Cybermen an alien species?
Doctor: Depends how you define alien. They were human once, before they started fiddling with themselves. When you look at a Cyberman you might be looking at yourself a few thousands years on - tacky, uncool and sexually frustrated. Does that
make them alien? One thing's certain, unless we get out of this mediocre plot line, there's a very good chance they'll turn us into Cybermen. Who'll be the alien then?
Charley: Well, the French, of course.
UnQuotable Quote -
Chev: That's as may be.
Viewer Quotes -
"Space is very big, very cold, and will kill you given the slightest opportunity. Where did I leave that head of mine?"
- a confused Douglas Adams (1998)
"In his fourth story, the Eighth Doctor shows few mannerisms specific to this regeneration. He's in rapid-fire observe/seduce/shag mode throughout, and Charley comes across as a watered-down blonde 1930s Ace who is able to rewire a malfunctioning grav-bad with only her shoelaces and some toiletries as if she's been travelling in space for years! How come this sort of shit always happens to the Doctor and his companion when they're in trouble but never to me when I'm stuck on a school bus about to explode if it drops below sixty-six miles per hour?"
- Keanu Reeves (2002)
"The cast give faultless performances, though the fact there are no cast members in this story makes it hard to distinguish between them."
- a confused theatre critic who thought he was watching "Zen and the Art of Ironing" (2001)
"The Music makes this an unmistakably Cyberman story, by turns referencing The Tense Planet, Return of the Cybermen and The Sheep in Spandex. This is due to the fact it IS the music from those stories. I just told everyone I did it all myself."
- the composer of Bored of Ironing's incidental music (2000)
"Too long. Too, too long. It is very nearly at two hours and that is just TOO LONG! Why have a plot that takes two hours to tell? Why not have a transvestite orgy instead? That could take more than two hours to tell! Much of the opening episode is superfluous. Getting to the point faster would, admittedly, leave Part One running 20 minutes short and we would know all the characters a lot less... which is just another reason to do so. Maybe we could have used the extra time for a depiction of the Pokémon wars, or an explanation for what the hell Deeva is up to, or just a 20-minute steamy shower scene with Charley misplacing the soap?" - Father James O'Maley (2002)
"Entertaining as the slaughter of two red T-shirts in the first scene is, the murder on the Orient Express would have been more interesting if it had been at the furry paws of a Pokémon. Or if they had BEEN Pokémon. Or if ONE of them had been a Pokémon. Or maybe the revelation that the Garazone system is smuggling Pokémon instead of sheets... Why this fuss about Cybermen in the first place? Pokémon is what we want!"
- Regos Krang, Leader of The Cyberman Appreciation Society (2007)
"If the film Alien had begun with half an hour of the ship's crew preparing to embark, cut out most of the alien murders and replaced then with Cybermen, added the Doctor and Charley, re-edited it into four long episodes and introduced a subplot about huge clusters of stellar cheese and ended on a stupid Thought for the Day, it would have turned out not too unlike Bored of Ironing. Actually, it's not a very good metaphor, is it?" - Delta Goodrem (2019)
"Soiled salubrious salvage spaceship stops suddenly, swerving slickly saving sinister silver star-destroyer's savage silver spacemen suspended shimmering... feet."
- alliterative Doctor Who plots, Nigel Verkoff, www.iseriouslyhavetoomuchtimeonmyhands.com.au
"That is has come to this: being spoofed by an awful radio sci-fi fad!"
- Dario Fo (1978)
"According to the online poll of best Oddly Videos at www.NickBriggsisGod!@justyce.org, Bored of Ironing is the very best fan production ever. Terrifying, isn't it?"
- TheMiller98 at Outpost Gallifrey (2004)
Psychotic Nostalgia -
"Ah! The Cybermen! Some say they surgically removed their nasal hair. I prefer salad tongs."
Paul McGann Speaks!
"I've never really been a fan of the Cybermen. I mean, the Dustbins had their moments, but they could never follow you upstairs. They could simply blow up the ground floor and wait you to drop down to their level and THEN kill you, but when you start adding provisos like that, you're not exactly scaring the crap out of anyone, let alone me. Don't get me wrong, I like to scare myself. I'm very Catholic in that sense. Indeed, it's part of my method acting. Every time the Doctor needs to look even vaguely anxious, I always make sure that I've just spoken to Sylvester McCoy before the cameras start rolling. Of course, that lead to that awkward time during "The Crime of Fright-Night" when a technical fault left me with McCoy for around fifteen minutes. Caused endless retakes because the director complained I'd crossed the line between 'cautiously grave' to 'convulsing with mortal terror'. Picky, picky, picky."
India Fisher Speaks!
"Yes, after The Stoned of Venice, things did settle down somewhat... What WAS my second story? It's a total blank. Weird. I can't remember a thing about it. Not even its name. The only thing I remember is... it was very boring and tedious. There were some people on a ship. They walked around and talked. Cybermen attacked them. The people on the ship walked around and talked and shot things. Traitors... blah blah, yawn. No suspense, no drama, just booorriingg... Apart from that, though, I can't remember a thing about it."
Nicholas Briggs Speaks!
"Of all the Oddly Videos, Bored of Ironing is the most popular - and I thought that, with the technology, acting and restraining orders available now, it would be the best thing in the world to do. Screw peace on Earth and goodwill to all men, I want to make Bored of Ironing with a budget higher than Mum's pocket money! I mean, we've done some things loosely based on Oddly Videos before... VERY loosely based... In fact, bar the title, I swear not a single element has survived in that new version... Sorry. Anyway, we've based Bored of Ironing heavily on Bored of Ironing - it's just updated and made it worse. Not better, but worse, because the original is the best thing since the Bible. Hopefully, thousands of Big Finish fans will get a taste of the sheer brilliance that is Oddly Videos, and flock to me in the thousands! Hah! Thousands, I tell you! I'm gonna be rich! FILTHY... STINKING... RIIICHH!!!!!!!"
Trivia -
The cover of Bored of Ironing features four wallabies, characters who do not appear in the play. This refers to the off-screen casting situation - every single Cyberman in this story was to played by a Mexican at the express wish of writer, director, star and originator of Bored of Ironing. Ultimately, not enough Mexicans could be found to play the Cybermen and so four wallabies from the local zoo were drafted in for the crowd scenes
Rumors & Facts -
Anyone who likes hard, Isaac Asimov-style science fiction, Blade Runner and tense, atmospheric confrontations with classic enemies is sure to be utterly disappointed with Bored of Ironing.
It says a lot that this is a story about a mysterious derelict space-ship full of Cybermen and we don't get to the derelict space-ship until the end of Part Two. So totally unmemorable was this tale of boring Mexican stand-offs with Cyber-Forces that it did not even lose the Doctor Who Magazine Season poll.
"Even worse than cholera" was the way Jacqueline Rayner, Executive producer for BBC Worldwide described the story, noting that the dull stock characters and pathetic revelations of this story were so bad that not even India Fisher's presence was able to compensate.
Indeed, ripping off most of the plot of Alien does not improve Bored of Ironing, but rather seems to contaminate the Alien series instead. Even the most avid supporter of Bored of Ironing, writer Nicholas Briggs, considers it "sneaking up to average."
The main flaw is a syndrome that scientists have identified as "spoiler amnesia". Spoiler amnesia is the condition in which the author inexcusably forgets that we, the audience, already know who the villain of the piece is because they are named in the title of the story or will appear on the cover. The author then tries to build a great deal of tension around the mystery of who the villain is, despite the fact that we knew it from the first.
This was a Cyberman story. It was made known six months before release that this was a Cyberman story. There's a Cyberman on the cover. And yet, the first two parts are spent trying to figure out what sort of nasty creature is lurking about with only Paul McGann's performance giving any clue the Doctor either knows or cares about this. Why did we have to spend 40 minutes waiting for the author to reveal what we already knew?
Bored of Ironing is the fourth story to feature the Eighth Doctor, and the third to be specifically tailored for another incarnation and then changed vaguely to look like the current incarnation. Bored of Ironing originally featured the Ninth Doctor, The Stoned of Venice the Fifth, Inuit in Hull the Third, Shagged'er II the Fourth, and The Enema Within was written for Hugh Grant's armpit.
Following Big Finish's announcement of "Oh, shit, the Scouser's serious!" there was a massive need for even vaguely useful scripts that would effectively deal with all the regular characters and formats a new Doctor had to suffer through before he was finally accepted by the Who fan community, or the "Death of 1000 Anoraks" as McGann perceptively commented from the safety of his glass fronted Popemobile.
The story's life had begun back in 1999, when Nicholas Briggs' rising resentment against McGann's Doctor lead to him suggesting they do a complete remake of the 1980s totally-for-profit Oddly Videos Doctor Who fan productions. The first story would be the rather terrible adventure The Ultimate Brian, which featured the Dustbins time-scooping the Doctor from the Garazone System, scrambling the Time Lord's temporal DNA and making him the immortal. Thus, Big Finish would discard absolutely everything except for Briggs himself as the toothbrush wielding, psychologically-unbalanced Doctor.
When Gay Russell and Jason Haigh-Ellery told him this did sort of defeat the whole "Eighth Doctor adventure arc", Briggs replied: "Oh, yes, that's right! Focus in on that ONE flaw!"
Briggs went on to suggest they adapt three stories for the Eighth Doctor: the Cyber-orgy, Bored of Ironing, the Dustbin matinee The Mutant Phrase, and the kinky domination saga Inuit in Hull. These were chosen mainly because the rest of the plays lasted 4 minutes apiece and were mainly set in Nick's bedroom, fighting a race of evil, bloodthirsty megalomaniacs known only as "The High School Maths Teacher".
In order to shut Briggs up for a millionth of a second, Russell and JHE agreed to look into adapting the Cybermen-laundry-extravaganza Bored of Ironing, and told Briggs to revise the script.
Briggs was delighted and began listening to the original, morning, noon and night, occasionally bursting into applause and writing self-addressed letters of congratulation to the writer, producer, soundscaper, main star and provider of Cyber voices.
Briggs had started off with the intention of making Bored a fast-paced, totally original story with no cheap gimmicks like monsters or cliched characters. He vowed in front of fourteen witnesses that he would tidy up any and all plot anomalies that bothered absolutely anyone; give the supporting characters genuine, credible motivations with a real sense of terrible secrets and/or ambivalent moral values; to make the little human drama unfolded on the Vanguard the core of the story; and change all the continuing story arc crap and make it self-contained.
One re-listen later, Briggs shrugged and said, "Y'know, it's good enough as is."
This attitude prevailed until Big Finish scoured the coup of blackmailing Paul McGann into a season of stories and scripts were a rare commodity. Since the only completed script at all was Bored of Ironing, it was thrown into the mix at story 17 simply because that was the number Bored of Ironing was given by the Oddly Videos releases and no one could be arsed to change the paperwork.
However, upon reading the story, Russell and JHE carefully put it to one side and backed away slowly, insisting that they could make do with the half-finished scripts that were also available.
They refused to disclose their reasons for not going right ahead with the script, but Briggs suggests in his autobiography "I *Am* Canon, Damn It!" that the cold-blooded murder of a trained otter in scene one was beyond the scope of BF's current production standards.
Russell insists that the otter's death was one of the few ACHIEVABLE moments in the original script and was only dropped due to lack of time and the feeling that sea-bound mammals were already well-represented in Doctor Who.
After three months of silence, Briggs' nerve cracked and he fell on his knees and begged for forgiveness, agreeing to anything in order to get Bored of Ironing back on track.
He was immediately told that the hardcore Dutch Mouth sequence would have to be cut from episode two, and introduction of Star Wars elements including the phrases "Star Destroyer", "A Den of Iniquity" and "I've A Bad Feeling About This" to be included in episode one; also, he should watch the entire Alien saga in a complicated Clockwork-Orange-style getup.
After he had completed the latter task he asked Gay what this had accomplished and got the reply, "Now you know how you make US feel every single day!"
Briggs was under orders to totally restructure the character and activities of the Doctor to suit Paul McGann's interpretation of the role. But rules never meant much to him, so he quoted the legal precedent of Terrance Dicks and insisted that Doctor is the Doctor and the rest is largely up to the actor.
JHE rebutted this by reminding Briggs that the main character in the script was clearly "Nicholas" scribbled out and "Dr Who" written on top of the print in biro. Briggs responded by wailing incoherently and jumping up and down, clutching his ears.
Three counseling sessions and some chloroform later, Briggs accepted the task of altering dialogue and mood in order to capture the Eighth Doctor's trademarked sense of suspicious fun, great warmth and intimations of darkness.
Thus, the day before recording, four scripts entitled "Doctor Who Strangles Encyclopedia Salesmen For Fun and Profit" hit Russell's desk.
The plot consisted of the Doctor and Charley riding a stagecoach into a giant supermarket, to be shocked by the corrupt staff making secret deliveries in the dead of night, and concludes that the Scarab of Necromanta has fallen into the hands of Charles Havelock, who sets a pack of genetically-augmented wolves onto the supermarket. Luckily, the Doctor has the aid of Joel Shaw, leader of the United State of Soviet Russia Anti-Dustbin Force (USSRADF) and Bugs Bunny to call upon. So, after three episodes of machine gun fire, the Doctor giggles insanely and heatbutts a Christmas Tree.
When asked what the hell he was trying to pull, Briggs admitted his adjusted storyline "still had the option of re-invention and re-imagining". JHE pointed out that he could no longer get away with simply transcribing the original crackling, hissing amateur production and then just handing the result over to Paul McGann.
"Prove it," was Briggs' reply.
With less than twelve hours before recording, Russelll and JHE grabbed every edition of the script and every single Cyberman story. With the original series pretty much exhausting every option with the Cybermen, the duo instead opted for a "greatest hits" package in the desperate hope that shoving all these unoriginal elements together, they might achieve a greater whole, like a triple-fried egg sandwich with chili sauce and chutney.
Like that particular meal, Bored of Iron is a cross between fine literature and bacteriological warfare
Thus, there are Cybermen coming out of egg-boxes, Cyberbrats hugging people, loonies, lethal amounts of Cheese, a sexual air supply, unusual lip action and a subplot involving lethal black androids. While this was more of a re-tread rather than a reinvention, Briggs was sadistically satisfied that a surprisingly large amount of the original (typed fervently with two sore fingers on an Olivetti portable typewriter screaming "RESISTANCE IS USELESS!") still survived.
When a reviewer remarked that the Cybermen were the most interesting prospect in Bored of Ironing, Briggs dug a foxhole in concrete and is hiding there till this day.
Every version of Bored of Ironing was cinematic in nature, with the main plot occurring on a broad, futuristic tapestry that made The Chronicles of Riddick look like Pitch Black.
Although Russell and JHE had managed to compact the Cyber encounter into a claustrophobic runaround in a small set, Briggs took advantage of their collapse into a delirious fever to "indulge" himself.
Thus, the first episode occurs in Garazone Central, a city built within an artificial environment floating between the stars, its gigantic bazaar filled with every single alien and monster to appear in Doctor Who EVER (along with all the ones from Red Dwarf), as Disaster Area themselves play an up-tempo version of the theme tune in the background.
However, budget restraints ruined Briggs' dream. The amazing canvas of the Garazone Bazaar was represented by an old gravel quarry, the amazing crowds of humans and aliens were alluded to by a horse wandering back and forth, and the musical background provided by a rather loud cell phone held close to the microphone. Paul McGann adlibbed an surprisingly believable explanation for the sudden rainfall during these scenes: it rains inside the space station because of natural condensation and an ancient air conditioning system.
He was, however, at a loss to explain the horse manure they regularly stepped in.
Disturbed by the lead star's professionalism and refusal to waste his time arguing about Who continuity, Briggs decided to become a far more hands-on and crypto-fascist in his directorial manner. This impression was given credence by the fact he never took off his home-made Cyberman costume and always remained in character as the sexually frustrated Cyber Leader.
Due to this unusual method of production, several clapper boys were dismembered in order to entail cooperation from the main cast. However, both Paul McGann and India Fisher rounded on him, demanding to know why the Doctor and Charley had become less thoughtful characters.
Briggs replied that this wasn't particularly difficult considering how crap they were already - besides, what was so special about the Eighth Doctor and his companion that they shouldn't be allowed to slide towards the generic in their second story like every other pairing in the show's history?
Fisher replied by tying Briggs to the ground and beating him with an axe.
After a similar discussion about making the Vanguard crew the same race, class or simply friends in order for Grash's mutiny to become realistic, Briggs pointed out that the complete LACK of unity made it such a neat plot twist and thus entirely credible for the mutiny to be forgotten mere moments after it had started.
This Cyberman story is unique in there not being a completely pointless change in the voices of the main monsters for the sheer hell of it. Due to amount of time and effort wasted on getting the script in line, there was no obvious way to create a brand new, expressive vocal range for the kinky cyborgs. Apart from hiring Mr. Blobby, of course.
Viewers from all walks of life complimented Big Finish on recreating the Return of the Cybermen and Earthshag Cybervoices with the pitch-blend effect, with the squelchy gurgle to each layered syllable and asked how, under the terrible circumstances behind the scenes, they were able to accomplish this?
Answer: let's just say Paul McGann's experience in telephone sex lines was quite helpful.
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