Monday, June 28, 2010

Guide... to the GUIDE

This blog exists for a reason - and that's a damn sight more than most blogs can say about themselves. This exists because bravenet web hosting decide one day that my patronage is not worth more than 5 megabytes and freeze my wonderful, patronizingly-easy to use guide page, revealing the scandalous truth behind the production of Doctor Who; an awful truth covered up in media lies and childhood nostalgia by a generation who refuse to see what's in front of their face and acknowledge how sick their favorite show is. This guide reveals the truth, just as Charles Daniels uncovered the horrible behind-the-scenes nightmare of the Classic Series.

Alas, opinion is divided on the subject following 1989's Survival. Did it end there? Did it continue? Were we all just watching the wrong channel? And where does Big Finish fit in? Well, I shall tell you!

For contained in this makeshift blog of unholy... stuff... are the intensely revealing guides to

The TV Movie!
Big Finish releases!
Missing Adventures for the Fifth through Eighth Doctors!
The New Welsh TV Series!
Doctor Who Unsoiled, Dustbin Umpire, Gallifrey 90210, SJ Goes Psycho and many many more!

The truth is in here.

Unless I'm lying.

Only one way to find out, so here's a non-linear, non-subjective, wibbly-wobbly ball of chronology...


Season 14

Exploitation: Earth
Dr Who & The Fishy Bastards
Mofo from the Future
Valley of the Lust

Season 15

Serial 4S/A – Destination: B-Ark
Serial 4S/B – The Renet Rivkin Man
Serial 4S/C – The Wrath of the Mankini
Serial 4S/D – Egomania of the Dustbins
Serial 4S/E – The Cocktail of the White Worm
Serial 4S/F – The Offside Adventure

Paul Margrs Presents: Horny Pests
Paul Margrs Presents: Demeaning Quests
Paul Margrs Presents: The Satire's Wearing a Bit Thin, Don't You Think?

Season 16

The Apathy Matter
The Sands of Liff
The War Against the Lamb
Sammo & Jackie Cutaway!
Phantoms of the Dip


Season 19

Serial 6C/A – The Band of the Dead
Serial 6C/B – Sphincter for the Adept
Serial 6C/C – The Mutant Phrase
Serial 6C/D – PRIME Evil
Serial 6C/E – Bare Parts
Serial 6C/F – Teachers of Footy
Serial 6C/G – On The Game
Serial 6C/H – Interesting Times
Serial 6C/I – Nostalgia of the Dustbins
Serial 6C/J – Hellbound to Vortis!
Serial 6C/K – The Fawning of Thomas Brewster
Serial 6C/L – The One That Fandom Forgets
Serial 6C/M – Crime Spree / Thief Encounters
Serial 6C/N – Castle Phobia
Serial 6C/O – The Eternal Bummer
Serial 6C/P – Resident Evil of the Dustbins
Serial 6C/Q – The Cretins of Red Lodge and Other Morons -- NEW!

Season 20

Serial 6E/A – Omigod
Serial 6E/B – The Effete
Serial 6E/C – Hexagonal
Serial 6E/D – Chilblains of Seth
Serial 6F/A – Codswallop
Serial 6F/B – The Whispering Florist
Serial 6F/C – The Label of the Snake
Serial 6F/D – Low Album of Snotar
Serial 6F/E – KISS of Death
Serial 6F/F – Rattatouie
Serial 6F/G – The Emerald Burger
Serial 6F/H – The Jupiter Congestion Charge
Serial 6F/I – The Murderer of Melbourne
Serial 6F/J –
Serial 6K/A – The Four Companions

Season 21A

Serial EX01 – Excelsior Yawns
Serial 6P/A – Fan & Phantasmagoria
Serial 6P/B – Louis Gooey
Serial 6P/C – Singular Angularity

Season 21B

Serial 6Q/A – Red China
Serial 6Q/A1 – The Ice Cream of Judgement
Serial 6Q/A2 – The Destroyer of Denial
Serial 6Q/A3 – The Pool of Closure
Serial 6Q/AA – Xtro 4 / Urban Legend of the Viyrans
Serial 6Q/B – The Eyes of Scorpius
Serial 6Q/C – Doctor Who Wrecks Disney World
Serial DWMCD03 – No Phone, No Home
Serial 6Q/D – Necrophilia
Serial 6Q/E – The Axis of Banality
Serial 6Q/F – The Spoof of the World
Serial 6Q/G – Two's Company
Serial 6Q/H – The Council of Niceties
Serial 6Q/I – Doctor Who Discovers The Bloody Mystery In The Bloody Tower Of Bloody Secrets!
Serial DWMCD05 – The Veiled Leotard
Serial 6Q/J – The Sequel
Serial DWMCD09 – Consumerism
Serial 6Q/K – Son of a Bitch
Serial 6Q/L – Mind The Eye
Serial 6Q/M – The Bride of Paddington / Messing with the Viyrans


Season 22

Serial 6W/A – Lavros
Serial 6W/B – Cryptosporidium
Serial 6Y/A – The Year of the Lame Dog!

Season 23A

Serial 6Z/A – Whispers of Error
Serial 6Z/AA – Recorded Whine
Serial 6Z/B – ...ick!
Serial 6Z/C – The Rip-off
Serial SS2 – The Unholy Error

Season 23B

Serial SS5 – The Worm of the Rani
Serial SS3 – The Maltesa Penguin
Serial 7CPRE-A – One Final Fight
Serial FIX – A Hitch with Snotarans
Serial EX02 – Excelsior Merchandising
Serial DWMCD02 – The Meep's Sweeps
Serial 7CPRE-A/A – Id / Prank Call of the Viyrans
Serial 7CPRE-A/B – Sitcom of Spite
Serial 7CPRE-A/C – The Deck of the Titan
Serial 7CPRE-A/D – Lemon-Soaked Paper Napkins of the Cybermen

Season 23C

Serial 7C/A – The Maid Marian Conspiracy
Serial 7C/B – The Inspector of Lanyon Moor
Serial 7C/C – The Apocalypse Elephant
Serial 7C/D – Mud Ride
Serial 7C/E – Project: Nightlight
Serial 7C/F – The Soundman
Serial 7C/G – D'you Believe This?
Serial 7C/?? – The Real Thing
Serial 7C/H – Doctor Who and the Goodies
Serial 7C/J – Project: Enigma
Serial 7C/K – Engagements That Bore
Serial 7C/L – Medicinal Porpoises
Serial 7C/MA – Seaside Suicide
Serial 7C/MB – The Anywhere Place
Serial 7C/MC – 300
Serial 7C/MD – The Assassin Who Died Twice
Serial 7C/ME – The Wangst of Thomas Brewster
Serial 7C/MF – The Farce of Exxon 
Serial 7C/MG – Industrial Inaction -- NEW!
Serial 7C/MH - The Cuss of Lavros
Serial 7C/MJ - The Whore's Fall
Serial 7C/MK - Wirrn Ill
Serial 7C/T – Thicker Than Two Short Planks

Season 24

Serial 7C/S – The Afronauts
Serial 7C/U – Caption: 1782
Serial 7C/V – The Widow's Peak / Vanity Mirror of the Viyrans
Serial 7C/Z – There Can Only Be One Doctor...

Unseen Season A

Serial 6Z/1 – The Care-Bear Nightmare Fair
Serial 6Z/2 – Messing With Magnus
Serial 6Z/3 – The Penultimate Evil
Serial 6Z/4 – Revenge of the Autons
Serial 6Z/5 – SlipUp

Unseen Season B

Serial 6Z/6 – Guardians of Pomposity
Serial 6Z/7 – Leviable
Serial 6Z/8 – Woodlice In the Hollows of Time
Serial 6Z/9 – Enable Macros
Serial 6Z/10 – David Bowie -vs- The Space Whale

Unseen Season C

Serial 6Z/11 – The Ballad of Joe December
Serial 6Z/12 – Cats in the Cradle
Serial 6Z/13 – Attack from the Fred
Serial 6Z/14 – Paradise V: End of Term
Serial 6Z/15 – Gallimaufry


Season 24

Serial PRE-7D – Degenerate!
Serial 7E/A – Go-Book-A-Room!
Serial 7E/B – Fist-Fight
Serial 7F/A – The Fans of Vulcan
Serial 7F/Z – Orange

Season 27 - After Survival

Serial 7R – The Fishmonger
Serial 7S – The Jazzercize Machine
Serial 7T – Bust Reading
Serial 7U – Coleslaw Cutaway
Serial 7V – The Rupture
Serial 7W – The Cyb-Fest
Serial 7W/A – The Dreaming
Serial 7W/B – The Chaser's War on Colony 34
Serial 7W/C – Night Thoughts
Serial 7W/D – The Crossing
Serial 7W/E – A School for Glory!
Serial 7W/F – Nicotine
Serial 7W/G – Hostage
Serial 7W/H – Twenty-Four
Serial 7W/J – The Magic Mushroom
Serial 7W/K – Enmity of the Dustbins
Serial 7W/L – Network
Serial 7W/M – Project: Density
Serial 7W/N – A Dearth In The Fanon
Serial 7W/O – Animal Magnetism
Serial 7W/P – Project From The Diaphragm
Serial 7W/Q – Black and Blue
Serial 7W/R – Clods and Monsters

Season 27 Up - Better Late Than Never

Serial 7P/1 – Live Aid
Serial 7P/2 – Thin Ice
Serial 7P/3 – The Sale of the Century
Serial 7P/4 – Addiction
Serial 7P/5 – Hellbound to Fargo
Serial 7P/6 – Night Thoughts
Serial 7P/7 – Animal Magnetism
Serial 7P/8 – Illegal Alien
Serial 7P/9 – A School for Glory!
Serial 7P/10 – The Crossing
Serial 7P/11 – Hostage
Serial 7P/12 – Network
Serial 7P/13 – Lords of the Silence
Serial 7P/14 – Republica: Ready to Go
Serial 7P/15 – Preposterous Island
Serial 7P/16 – The Left Wing of Darkness
Serial 7P/17 – ITV: The Other Side
Serial 7P/18 – Gits for the Night
Serial 7P/19 – Goats
Serial 7P/20 – Only The Lonely
Serial 7P/21 – Blood Spurts
Serial 7P/22 – Plotline

Season 27 - Before The TV Movie

Serial DWMCD01 – Clash of the Titans
Serial DUCD02A – Dustbin Umpire: Hellbound to Fargo!
Serial EX03 – Excelsior Bouquets
Serial 7X – Project: Lazarou
Serial 7Y – Bastard
Serial 7Z – The Tarrants of Time
Serial 7Z/A – Van Halen
Serial 7Z/AA – Robophilia
Serial 7Z/AB – The Doomsday of Suzie Quattro
Serial 7Z/AC – Illegal Alien
Serial 7Z/B – Frozen Crime
Serial 7Z/C – The Debt Collectors / Spider's Chateau
Serial 7Z/D – Kingdom of Arnickleton / Blog Post
Serial 7Z/E – A Thousand Whiny Things
Serial 7Z/F – Survival of the Fetish / A Klutzy Story
Serial 7Z/G – The Sexing-Up of History

The New Adventures

Serial SS1 – The Reservation of the Scourge
Serial SS4 – The Dark Llama


Season 28

Serial 8A – Doctor Root & The Enema Within
Serial 8M – Shagged’er II: This Time, It’s Finished
Serial 8D – Sick Morning
Serial 8C – Bored of Ironing
Serial 8B – The Stoned of Venice
Serial 8E – Inuit in Hull

Season 29

Serial 8F – Evaders from Bars
Serial 8G – The Crime of Fright-Night
Serial 8S – Vogon Cutaway
Serial 8H – Reasons to Care
Serial 8L – Encase the Arseholes
Serial 8K – The Rhyme of the Dustbins
Serial 8J – Nowhere-Land

Season 30

Serial 8N – Zig-Zag-Gay-Ass
Serial REG – I Scream "Boom-Shaka-Laka!"
Serial 8R – Schizo
Serial 8P – The Credo of the Moron
Serial 8O – The Actual Mystery of Beer
Serial 8Q – The Twice-A-Night Kingdom

Season 31

Serial 8V – Faith Dealer
Serial 8U – The Lust
Serial 8T – Cardiff
Serial 8W – The Best Wife

Season 32

Serial 8X – Terri’s Firmer
Serial 8Y – Sail Away
Serial 8Z – Other Lies
Serial 9A – Clock Work
Serial 9B – Rubik’s Cube
Serial 9C – Baker Street

Season 33

Serial 9K – Ablutions
Serial 9L – The Girl Who Never Was A Virgin
Serial 9D – Lymph of the Dustbins
Serial 9E – Horror of the Music Industry
Serial 9F – Immoral Bedfellows
Serial 9G – Deimos
Serial 9H – Tell Me Lies
Serial 9J – Hostile Takeover

Season 34

Serial 9R – Dead Cardiff
Serial 9P – Top Gear
Serial 9Q – Brave New World
Serial 9O – The Skull of Sobriety
Serial 9M – Grand Theft Auto: Cardiff, 1898
Serial 9N – The Bygone Who Sold The World
Serial 9S – The Vengeance of Moby

Season 35

Serial 9X – Obituary
Serial 9T – Neil’s Lentil House of Total Nourishment
Serial 9U – The Breasts of Orlock
Serial 9Y – Wirrrn-Born
Serial 9Z – The Space Goat
Serial 9Z/A – The Cannabis
Serial 9W – The Eight Years
Serial 9V – The Michaelmas Special

Season 36

Serial 9Z/C – The Company of Jerks
Serial 9Z/D – The Silver Berk
Serial 9Z/E – The Bitch from the Well
Serial 9Z/F – Amy of De'Ath
Serial 9Z/B – Hellbound to Messaline!

Season 37

Serial 10C – The Company of Jerks 2: Pretty Vacant
Serial 10B – Neverwhere
Serial 10A – The Book of Chelmsford 123
Serial 10D – Phobos
Serial 10E – The Michaelmas Goof
Serial 10F – Cigars of the Pharoahs
Serial 10G – Joey Ross Must Die
Serial 10H – The Audio Doctors
Serial 10J – Hellbound to Fanwank!


Doctor Who 2005 -- THE TRIP OF A LIFE-TIME!

101 – Ruse
102 – The Restaurant At The End Of The World
103 – The Presuming Ed
104 – Alias of London
105 – I, Dustbin
106 – The Long Haul
107 – Death Day
108 – Shell Shock
109 – Funky Town!
110 – The Parting of the Legs
111 – Afterlife
112 – The Michaelmas Evasion
113 – Attack of the Grinch


201 – Earth 2.0
202 – The Nun In the Lift-Shaft
203 – School's Out!
204 – Silver Finish
205 – The Drunken Ginger Bride
206 – The Santa Tip
207 – The Idiot Box
208 – Love & Pizzas
209 – Filler
210 – Dustbin -vs- Cyberman!
211 – The Michaelmas Werewolf


301 – Smith & Weston
302 – The Shakespeare of Evil
303 – The Macramé Gridlock
304 – The Dustbins on Broadway!
305 – The Lazarou Experiment
306 – The Infinite Jest
307 – 47
308 – Human Nature
309 – Blank
310 – Dystopia
311 – The Beat of the Drums
312 – Lust of the Time Lords
313 – Time Crush
314 – The Michaelmas Cruise

Doctor Who 2008 -- we actually forgot to think up a catchphrase this year

401 – Bunglers in Crime
402 – Planet of the Odd
403 – The Fans of Up, Pompeii!
404 – The Snotaran Strategy
405 – To The Doctor, A Daughter
406 – The Undertaker & The Writer
407 – Midday
408 – Silence of the Librarians
409 – Wrong Turn
410 – Journey Till Dawn
411 – Prom of the Grinch
412 – The Michaelmas Imposter

Doctor Who 2009 -- LESS IS MORE!!

413 – Escape to Danger on the Planet in Space Cutaway!
414 – Freak Encounter

415 – The Jedward Nightmare

416 – Dream On!
417 – The Pantheon of Discord UNPLUGGED!!!
418 – The Water-Fights of Mars
419 – The Michaelmas Apocalypse
420 – Swan Song for Tennant



501 – Eleven Plus Eleven
502 – The Breasts Below
503 – War-Bonds of the Dustbins
504 - Epic Fail of the Dustbins
505 - STD of the Cybermen
506 – Flesh-Time of the Stone Angels
507 – The Surf-Boarding Killer Bikini Vampire Girls Suck Venice
508 – Amy's Pro-Choice
509 – Cold Spunk
510 – That Vincent & Doctor Look
508 – Tardyness
508 – Token Appearance Of The Vashta Nerada
509 – The Blogger
510 – The Gnab Gib
511 – Dearth of the Grinch
512 – The Michaelmas Tradition

Doctor Who 2011 -- SHADDUP YA FACE!

601 – The NTAs of Doom
602 – Weapons-Grade Fetish Fuel
603 – Dr. Who USA!!
604 - What Are Cliches Made Of?
605 - Captain Jack Sparrow & The Pirates of Cornwall
606 – The Doctor's Bitch
607 – Gangbangers
608 – A Good Show Goes Off The Air For Six Months
609 - Let's Shag Thatcher!
609 – The Girl Who Whinged
610 – The Lawrence Miles Complex
611 - "Depth" Is The Only Answer
612 – The Blogger 2: Blog Harder!
613 - Everyone Hates River Song
614 – Yet Another Michaelmas Special


Doctor Who Unsoiled

Arse Morality
Sympathy for the Devil
Full Fist Five
It Just Doesn't Matter!
Whose Exile Is It Anyway?
A Swarm of Angles
The Alternate Adventure!
Seven Keys to My Pants
The Cuss of the Dustbins
Engines of Dust-Eradication

The Expanded Whoniverse

I, Lavros
Dustbin Umpire: Return of the Dustbins
Dustbin Umpire: Warzone
Dustbin Umpire: Mutually Assured Hygiene
Dustbin Umpire: The Hopeless
Cybermen I
Cybermen II
SJ Goes Mad In Dorset

SJ Goes Completely Apeshit In Dorset
The Two Companions (and that little shit called Thomas Brewster)
Gallifrey 90210: Future Tense
Gallifrey 90210: Past Lives
Gallifrey 90210: Here Today, Gone Tomorrow
Gallifrey 90210: Going Nowhere Fast
Sammo & Jackie: Hardcore Heteros of Hong Kong
Sammo & Jackie 2: It Got Worse
Sammo & Jackie 3: Leela In Da Hood
A Dark, Gripping, Complex, Sinister, Aggressive, Ultraviolent, Mindbendingly Apocalyptic Tale of Power, Sex, Money, Subterfuge, Corruption, Revelation, Discovery, Death, Transformation, Media Manipulation, Political Intrigue and Awakening Evil

Charley's Odyssey: The Continuing Sexcapades Of Charlotte E Pollard!!

Season One

Serial CP0 – Fly Charley to the Moon!
Serial CP1 – Contempt of Charley
Serial CP2 – The Doomswood Charley
Serial CP3 – Charley & Das Kapital of the Dustbins
Serial CP4 – Charley’s Odyssey: Hellbound to Nuclei!
Serial CP5 – The Raincloud Charley
Serial CP6 – Charley -vs- Dustbin -vs- Viyran
Serial CP7 – Charley Gets A Paper Cut
Serial CP8 – The Charley Finale

Season Two

Serial CP9 – Charley Plays With Herself


TOUCHWOOD 2006 -- Retconopalooza!

Flotsam & Jetsam
Nude Girl
Plot Device
The Trouble With Lisa Is That She’s A Cyber-Woman
Assignment Seven: Fairie Folk... of DEATH!
Touchwood Versus The Sawney Beane Family!
Lesbians Bearing Telepathy
They Keep Shagging Suzie
Invisible Restal
Out of Ideas
Fight Club Cardiff
Captain Jack Sparrow
Shit! Apocalpyse!

TOUCHWOOD 2008 -- The Spunk of Yesterday!

Separation Anxiety
To The Last Cliché
Touchwood Versus The Magic Kebab!
Adam's Back
Owen Harper, Zombie Jerk
The Cautionary Tale of Lucie Miller
Something Borrowed From Joss Whedon
From Out of the Blue
Gwen Cutaway
Blast from the Past
Exit Stage Freaking Left
Hard-On Collision

TOUCHWOOD 2009 – Downsized!

PC Andy Takes Over The Asylum
Golden Brown
Phone Sex
Touchwood Versus The Children of the Revolution

TOUCHWOOD 2011 - The Nude World!

Touchwood Fucks Up Absolutely Everything, USA-Style!

The Superiority Complex Doctor Who Audio Dramas

The Jeffrey Coburn Era

70C – Countdown to Armadillo
1D – A Polygon
2D – The Price of Paris
3D – Dork Dreams
4D – Target Saigon
5D – The Thyme Brokers
6D – Fictional Hippopotamus
7D – The Empire of the Dustbins Strikes Back!
8D – The Doomsday Single
9D – The Backpacker of the Night
10D – Augury of the Dustbins
11D – The Warlords of Apeshit
EB2 – Can You Pwn The Devil?
12D – Divine Aura # 4
13D – Devil Gate Drive
14D – Polymorph
15D – The Curse of the Arabs
16D – The Seventh Album of Darkmere
17D – Château du Dragon
18D – Radio Y2K
19D – The Hidden Bonus
20D – The Cardiff Rift
1E – The Pretension Society
EB1 – Hackneyed Putrefaction