Wednesday, December 2, 2009

REG Doctor - Scream of the Shalka (i)

Serial REG – I Scream "Boom-Shaka-Laka"!
Fifteenth Entry in the EC Unauthorized Program Guide O' Whitnail & Who


REG - I Scream "Boom-Shaka-Laka"! -

Part One

The planet Earth, in the year 2003. After countless eons of being attacked, invaded, probed and fondled by alien invaders, the peoples of Earth have finally decided to go on the offensive. Failing that, they plan to just plain offend.

Now, an alien meteorite plunges through the sky and smashes into a quarry floor. Demonstrating the increased scope of this new adventure, the two inbred yokels watching this are from New Zealand. Tired of sheep but afraid of lice, the duo hurry over to this alien and prepare to abduct it, strip it naked, give it an anal probe and then release it back into the galactic community where its claims of what happened will lead to it being ridiculed forever.

The disgustingly phallic alien lets out a discharge that stops the two fush'n'chup lovin' cousins frozen in mid-step. As their prey begins to sing Oasis hits at them, they scream in horror...

With its usual impeccable timing, the TARDIS pops into existence on a street corner, three weeks later, on the other side of the planet – making the previous tense five minutes seem like a total irrelevance and, frankly a waste of decent film and screen time.

In fact, this little plot twist lead to countless viewers saying, in no uncertain terms, "Bugger THIS for a game of soldiers," and switching off. Sadly, had these sad, lonely people (the fans) simply acted like Joe Public and refused to move their bloated thumbs and change channel, and thus watched the rest of the story and learned that there actually was an albeit-tenuous link to this opening scene. Now, that's irony for you.

Back to the action. Out of the blue box of Rassilon staggers an alternative version of the latest incarnation of Doctor Who - pissed out of his head on anti-freeze and furious his Dracula outfit is no longer the height of fashion on the planet Luxury-Yacht 433.

Shouting incoherently into the TARDIS that he's off to get wasted, the Time Lord totters towards the pub. Inside, he demands the finest wines known to humanity as he is a massive film director who is going to buy the whole town and convert it into a Starbucks if he's ignored.

Sighing, he does admit he has no idea just exactly WHERE he is, but his money is just as good as anyone's - i.e.: non-existent, so just put it on a tab, bitch.

The barmaid, Alison Chaney, refuses to give him any booze unless he tells her how he managed to get past the mysterious alien barrier that surrounds this sleepy town. The Doctor retorts that he did it 'with difficulty' but that there are far more interesting things to worry about like, say, getting him a drink already.

Besides, he points out, if they're isolated from the rest of the outside world, they won't get any new beer supplies so they must empty the cellar before it gets sour. The winos side with the Doctor and so Alison is forced to watch as a bunch of dole-wasters and a pissed-off vampire-lookalike punish their evil livers and suck all the alcohol from the establishment simultaneously.

Once the last barrel is dry, the Doctor tries to stand upright and asks her what her problem is - if he can get one pub to accept foiled alien invasions in lieu of payment, he might be able to walk the streets of Mutter's Spiral without fear of rampaging alien bartenders.

Alison explains that, three weeks ago, a meteor crashed, creating a weird barrier around the town and all the animals ran away. Just as she explains that any loud noise will attract their alien overlords and earn terrible revenge, the Doctor realizes there is no Fleetwood Mac on the jukebox and promptly announces the whole human race can go fuck itself.

He staggers out and decides to try and creep into the TARDIS from the wrong direction, but gets lost. After passing out on a pile of rubbish, he learns it is, in fact, a homeless lady with a bottle of methylated spirits. Normally, the Doctor would just mug her, but the old bitch wants to tell him her life story. Shoving her out of her cardboard box, the Doctor takes the bottle and begins to nod and say, "Lay it on me, baby" as she drones on an on about how aliens have ruined her life.

She goes on to say she actually won the lottery and was about to collect it when the aliens attacked and she is, ironically, the richest woman in the western hemisphere. But, before the Doctor can torture the winning numbers out of her alcohol-ridden brain, an alien worm sings 'The Eagle Rock' and the bag lady melts into a puddle. Blind with shocked fury, the Doctor screams at the sky...

Alison vomits on a police box while a heavy-breathing shadowy figure sings 'Pretty Woman' in the background. Proving just how useless the local council is, a few drops of stomach acid eat through the pavement and the TARDIS plunges into the frothing lava below.

Returning to her flat, Alison finds her boyfriend lying on the couch in a pile of his own effluence, pizza and beer cans. She tells him she almost managed to get a revolt going against their inhuman captors, which is a damn-sight better than what he's doing.

Her boyfriend, Joe, retorts that if a man can't pull some cones and pass out in front of the telly in his own body waste, they might as well have let the monsters WIN! Alison correctly deduces he is talking crap and rolls him off the sofa and starts using him as a footstool.

Just then, the Doctor bursts in - he hasn't got where he is today without being a proficient stalker, you know! - and demands to know if anyone knows the winning numbers of the lottery. Alison tells him they were 0, 0, 0, 0 and that the Doctor can now piss off. The Doctor thanks her and leaves, before re-entering the flat moments later announcing that those were LAST WEEK'S numbers and he suspects the barmaid is trying to hide something.

Alison refuses to reveal the true numbers until he listens to her tale of woe and alien torture, so the Doctor rolls his eyes, pulls up her boyfriend and begins to mime "The Seventh Voyage of Sinbad" in French.

Meanwhile, Alison explains that, after isolating the village the aliens have been ruthlessly killing anyone having a happy sex-life. The surviving humans are mad with sexual frustration — it's a terrible choice, isn't it?

The Doctor concedes that there is a genuine problem that he, morally, cannot stand by and let happen. However, he is VERY comfortable... Alison decides to end it all and fakes an orgasm. Joe is downcast as she sounds a lot happier than when they’re making out – but why would she fake them so badly in bed? This theological debate uses up all his brain-cells and he just dribbles for the next five episodes.

Meanwhile, two phallic worms burst out of the floor and lunge at the Doctor, squealing "Under The Milky Way"!

Part Two

The Doctor screams like a girl at the monsters, which gives them pause for thought. Thus, the Time Lord releases a 10-ton weight he carries around for these sorts of emergencies and squashes the worms flat.

When two more monsters appear, the Doctor’s quick-thinking saves himself and the humans. As a handy Bengal tiger eats the new monsters, the Doctor sets up a fertilizer bomb to blow the flat to smithereens.

As the Doctor, Alison and Joe bask in the roaring glow, the locals arrive, wondering if continued sexual frustration finally leads to spontaneous human combustion. Realizing he’s just wiped out a good chunk of prime real estate and probably annoyed some hideous monsters, the Doctor runs for the TARDIS.

Finding it missing, he decides he'll probably have to actually get off his arse and save the Earth once more. Ringing the WANK Helpline, the Doctor gets some rather disgusting wrong numbers before finally being put in touch with Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart.

Below the city, a bunch of the hideous Freudian creatures gather around the police box. Sharing an unspoken telepathetic bond, the aliens conspire to ring the TARDIS's doorbell and then run away. However, after the 7893rd time, the alien leader – Prima Donna Kebab – decides to push the envelope and then enters the TARDIS.

Inside, the Bastard is waiting for it, desperate for a bit of company and, simultaneously, blind with fury after eight thousand practical jokes. Deciding to kill two birds with one stone, he seduces the alien worm and then kicks the living shit out of it, his oblique Martian curses bleeped out until it sounds like a truck backing up.

UNIT arrive and promptly begin to loot all the stores they can and begin shooting civilians and blaming the sudden prevalence of bullet holes on delayed shock from the aliens' attack. The Brigadier meets up with the Doctor and proudly relates they have 678 casualties to blame on the aliens - a full 678½ casualties MORE than is officially needed for authorization to blow the fuck out of passing extra-terrestrials.

The Doctor is, frankly, dismissive of the Brigadier and only wants to get his TARDIS back so he can avoid the hideous sex-fest that will occur as the repressed villagers leave the invasion area. The Brigadier doesn't believe it for a moment, but promises he'll video-tape the whole thing if the Doctor helps them.

The Doctor suggests they search the massive alien spacecraft sitting in the middle of an impact crater that used to be Luton. The Brigadier sets all his men onto it, commenting that there have been so many invasions of Earth, he only really notices space-wrecks by their ABSENCE nowadays.

The Doctor vows that, if he gets the chance, he'll shove the whole wreck down Lethbridge-Stewart's throat and choke him to death with it. The Brigadier replies that it is just these little displays of charm that make the Time Lord so darn endearing.

Alison has managed to use her natural accoutrements to secure safe passage out of Lannet. In fact, she's so good at this sort of bribery, she's managed to get her boyfriend, Joe, out as well - under the guise of her hand luggage.

However, the heavy-breathing shadowy figure who has been... well, shadowing her... refuses to let her leave. Crooning "Girls Just Want To Have Fun", it breaks into the truck, melts the soldier-cum-driver-cum-sad-git-in-the-red-T-shirt, captures Alison and carries her off into the night as only B-grade horror-flick monsters can.

Joe is stunned that an alien monster hasn't found him at all attractive and sits in the wreckage, wondering if he should perhaps brush his teeth more than once every five years? Meanwhile, Alison is now in the underground cavern when Prima Donna Kebab begins to unpack a Sonytron-Automatic-Karioke Machine...

Part Three

The Doctor, Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart, RSM Benton and a bunch of anonymous, useless troopers whose job description on a good day is 'cannon fodder', head down into the cave tunnels linking the crashed space-ship to the caverns below the isolated town.

The team soon discovers a hidden stockade of weapons of mass destruction and decide not to get involved, leaving them where they are. Suddenly, a hideous blobby monster appears and begins to shuffle down the tunnel towards the intruders. The Doctor does not panic, but simply runs and hides, telling the Brigadier to just charge the monster and show no fear.

As the Time Lord sits back and lights a cigarette, the soldiers follow the Doctor's dubious advice and charge, screaming, at the monster. It bursts into an up-tempo rendition of "Bittersweet Symphony" and the soldiers are reduced to tears. Determined to escape this fate, the Doctor dives inside the monster's gut.

The UNIT men scream like little wussy babies and run away as the monster heads back down the tunnel, more Verve songs being muffled by the Time Lord in its gullet. As the gaunt character boasts later, "It felt SO good..."

The Bastard hears the phone in the TARDIS ring but, assuming it to be the alien monsters outside trying to get a laugh, refuses to answer. The Doctor's pathetic reel-to-reel answer machine whirrs into life, the usual message about nobody being in and "speak after the tone" muffled by the sounds of what appear to be half-a-dozen schoolgirls giggling, prompting the Doctor to regularly hiss, "For God's sake, Serena! We've got all night - no, no, don't touch that..."

As the Bastard says, he really should change the message as most of the phone calls they get are of the heavy breathing variety. This time, however, it is the Doctor, suggesting the Bastard get off his lily-white backside and set up something called "the BBC Sound Studio"...

The Doctor jumps out of the monster's mouth to find himself in an underground cavern full of slathering monsters and lava – like the last episode of "Buffy". And "The Time Machine". And "The Lord of the Rings". And "A View To Kill"...

The Prima Donna Kebab introduces herself as the leader of an invasion force of the Boom-Shaka-Laka Federation, which boasts two thousand drones. The Doctor notes that one thousand, nine hundred and ninety-six of them are clearly in the next room, and asks the aliens what the hell they think they're doing under Lannet.

Prima Donna Kebab replies that the Boom-Shaka-Laka are ancient creatures who achieved their evolutionary peak during the 1980s. Despite the constant nostalgia evenings, the universe has moved on and the monsters are tragically unfashionable with their mullets, white leisure suits, Goth make-up, Kraftwork T-shirts and love of all things Kyle Minogue.

The Doctor suggests they just all commit suicide in the local black hole that oddly enough hangs at one end of the chamber, waiting for a cliffhanger.

Prima Donna Kebab suggests instead the Doctor hand over the secrets of the TARDIS to let them transfer the whole universe into 1983. The Doctor laughs uncontrollably and says he couldn't as he is "spaced". The Boom-Shaka-Laka lead in Alison and threaten to sing "Come On Baby, Light My Fire" at her if the Doctor does not submit.

Terrified, the Doctor unlocks the TARDIS doors, drop-kicks the Bastard (who acts as the bouncer to the police box) and hands over a handy pamphlet called "How To Manipulate The Pattern Of History For Fun And Profit". He is then thrown out of the ship while two, slightly more geeky, Boom-Shaka-Laka study it.

The Doctor rounds on Alison for not sacrificing herself for him – SHE was the one they wanted to kill, after all. The Doctor is filled with anguish at her blunt reply – two words, second one "off!" – and remarks that his tongue is like a greying yellow sock.

As he whines that a trip to the countryside should have helped his regeneration but even in Lancashire he looks like he's on death's door, the Doctor slips on a banana peel and plunges into the black hole...

Part Four

As he plunges towards certain death, the Doctor decides to go out with a bang and begins to back prank call after prank call, moving through his phone book, until he finds a phone number for Big Finish. Dialing it, the Doctor gets a loud message that he and everything he stands for is non-canonical and thus, nothing that has happened has, is or will ever happen. Saying this sort of thing above a singularity (with the total authority of someone who got annoyed at twisted continuity in "The Lethal Assassin") has weird effects. Logic, sense and lateral plot development go out of the window and the last episode is completely ret-conned out of existence.

The Doctor finds himself in the TARDIS with the Bastard, but Alison at the mercy of the Boom-Shaka-Laka. The Doctor denies all accusations and decides to visit his friend, Danny.

Meanwhile, Benton and the lads are trying to haul Joe out of the car wreck, the lardy git totally unable to understand why aliens don't find him irresistible. Suddenly, Joe's self-esteem, what there is of it, is boosted as Alison is carried out of a volcano by a Boom-Shaka-Laka, complaining that the black girl has no "rhythm".

Joe immediately begins to sing every Bob Dylan song he can and the alien collapses onto the ground, writhing in agony. The Doctor arrives, pisses himself laughing at the sight of the tortured monster, and begins to empty helium balloons into the air.

As The Time Lord realizes that his only chance of a date has buggered off to London, he tries to ring her and begs her to return to Lannet for some ebony-and-ivory action. Unfortunately, with supremely-advanced phone technology comes great responsibility and, as the Doctor has been fresh out of that for the last 513 years, it comes as no surprise he has unintentionally declared his love to the entire population of Lannet and thus, the rest of the credited cast members.

As they rush back to the beleaguered town, each expecting a charming, romantic, candle-lit dinner for two, Alison finds herself beginning to mouth Yothu Yindi-style chants. She decides to ring the Doctor to tell him of this phenomenon, but can't bring herself to dial. She must have SOME standards left, after all. But her triumph is short-lived: to Joe's undisguised horror, his girlfriend is turning into a karioke machine before his very eyes...

The gathered crowds of frustrated villagers are gathered near the pub, annoyed that they have been unintentionally stood up by a randy Gallifreyan as Alison turns into a fancy jukebox.

Now possessed by forces beyond the comprehension of simple mortals like you or I or the writer, they begin to sing, sing, SING! The TARDIS arrives for the Doctor's date as "Come Up And See Me, Make Me Smile" fills the air.

In another one of those little coincidences, the entire UNIT force happens to be hiding in the TARDIS and begin to fire warning shots – over the kneecaps of the crowd. The Doctor deduces the source of the music as the sexy-looking karioke machine and plugs in some headphones.

Thus saving the day, the Doctor is boasting how clever he is when the recorder solo from "California Dreaming" jolts through his head and he collapses... only to recover moments later, having provided half a second of dramatic tension.

After a frustratingly-missing scene, Alison is back to normal and the Doctor has worked out the Boom-Shaka-Laka's entire fricken' master plan.

The aliens have performed completely similar and predictable invasions all over the planet – the same redneck towns and hillbilly inhabitants looking identical. (Damn it, they ARE identical! Haven't the producers heard of EXTRAS????) However, all of these are about to chant out the lyrics to "Baggy Trousers" by Madness, plunging the Earth back into the depths of the 1980s FOREVER!

With the Boom-Shaka-Lakas back in fashion, nothing on Earth will be able to stop them. Just as the Brigadier and Alison can react to this news, the crowds begin to sing along the music intro to "Baggy Trousers", which segues nicely into a cliffhanger, if not the end music.

Part Five

With now under an episode to stop the Earth from being rewound to a point where break-dancing aliens can conquer all, the Doctor decides that he and the Bastard should retire to Milliways, the Restaurant At The End of the Universe. The Doctor plans to go there and get wrecked, then eat a pork pie and drop a couple of soamser fifties, then he'll just reset the randomizer. Although this means they'll miss out next Monday, they will, however, come up smiling the Tuesday before.

When Alison politely points out that it might be more constructive to save the Earth from a fate worse than death, the Doctor tells the Brigadier to just bomb all the innocent people into the Stone Age – it's what they do every other time, aliens or not, isn't it?

Alison protests that this is most inhumane thing she has ever heard.

"INHUMANE?!" the Doctor roars, "How DARE you call me 'inhumane'! ...Inhuman, perhaps. Inhumane, never! Right – I'm going to save the Human Race! The Shaka-Laka-fuckers will rue the day!" he proclaims, brandishing his sonic screwdriver.

The Doctor grabs Alison and they enter the TARDIS, and travel down to the underground cavern where the Prima Donna Kebab sits alone, watching the Discovery channel, believing it to be caterpillar pornography.

The Doctor emerges from the police box with Alison by his side – the Bastard remaining in the TARDIS because, evil though he may be, STUPID he is not.

When the Doctor strides up to beat the crap out of the overgrown pubic louse, he sees the damage that the Boom-Shaka-Laka are doing – their renditions of "Frosty the Snowman" ala the Jackson Five are blowing jet fighters out of the sky.

With the conquest of Earth assured, and the fact twenty-five minutes are up, the Prima Donna Kebab prepares to execute the Doctor and Alison, thus providing a cliffhanger with which to end this episode.

Part Six

The reprise to episode six is so pathetic it defies belief, as does the new Doctor's approach to dealing with hideous, face-ripping-off, monsters from the foulest pits of damnation:

"Would you like a drink, Miss Prima Donna Kebab? Look, I've a heart condition – I've a HEARTS condition. If you hit me, it's murder. The other one won't work and I'll regenerate into Arabella Weir! I don't know what my compan... ACQUAINTANCE has said to upset you, but it's nothing to do with me, is it? Oh, it is. Well, I suggest we all step into deep space and settle it, mighty alien overlord to pathetic, weak and vulnerable human. Is that the door behind you? AHAHH! OUT OF MY WAY!"

The War Chief of the Boom-Shaka-Lakas is unimpressed.

However, it still decides to tie the Doctor and Alison against a pillar while Spandex and lycra begins to encircle the globe. The invasion is all but complete and the Doctor doesn't care – he's found some Fleetwood Mac and is deliriously happy.

This dramatic twist of events doesn't quite explain just how the hell he managed to untie himself and Alison, and search the aliens' CD collection without the Prima Donna Kebab, who is sitting right beside them, from noticing.

As the Doctor boasts about how cool the band is and how he has visited every parallel dimension when they got back together, Alison takes pity on us all and bitch-slaps him. Numerous times. The Doctor huffily announces that he was not going deranged with fear and panic but was instead coming up with an amazing plan, the likes of which he swears he will explain later.

The Doctor turns to the Prima Donna Kebab and begins to sing 'Oh, Well' at the top of his voice. The song proves the Doctor's point and the near-mystic energies in this ballad forces every single Boom-Shaka-Laka on the planet to disappear in a puff of logic.

The Prima Donna Kebab prepares to bite the Doctor's head off, but slips on the banana peel, slips and falls back into the black hole. With the Madness song interrupted, it has left a lasting impression – "Funk" music has been banished from the realm of mortals.

As the Doctor and Alison return to the TARDIS, the biggest moral victory so far in Doctor Who under their belts, the writer twigs that another five minutes have to be padded out and so there are some gratuitous scenes of suddenly-resurrected Boom-Shaka-Laka appear and chase our heroes around the gave before some UNIT people appear and give the aliens both barrels. For some reason, the formerly-indestructible aliens fall down dead and the Doctor and Alison leave.

Aboard the ship, the Doctor pilots the craft to land on a grassy knoll where he plans to meet up with the Brigadier and boast that his latest bitch has yet to be drawn away from him.

Meanwhile, the Bastard talks with Alison and begs her to stay. Not only will her presence help this Doctor recover from his traumatic origin and subsequent losses, a lithe barmaid in the TARDIS makes life for the Bastard so much easier – he can't stand the arrogant prick at the controls for much longer, but is unable to castrate the bastard with a pair of eyebrow tweezers at the Doctor has specifically programmed him not to.

The TARDIS materializes next to a trembling tent. The Doctor emerges and hears the voices of the Brigadier, Benton and Joe from within. As he lifts the tent flap to look inside, his eyes widen and he runs back into the TARDIS, begging for a bucket.

As the police box begins to fade away, we hear Benton request: "Permission to howl, sir?"

Then, the internet connection gave way, thank Christ.

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