Sunday, October 4, 2009

Unseen 6th Doctor - SlipBack

Serial 6Z/5 - SlipUp
An Alternate Programme Guide by Ewen Campion-Clarke
An Extract From The EC Unauthorized Programme Guide O' Voxnic

Serial 6Z/5 - SlipUp -

The TARDIS materializes outside Lucan's Bar, a Voxnic club on the planet Zaurak Minor, run by famous earth man fugitive Lord Lucan and Eccentrica Gallumbits, the triple-breasted whore of Erotican VI. Peri is beside herself with rage when the Doctor and Sil go to the bar without her - and are allowed in, as their clothing is considered "fashionable" but her bikini top and denim shorts are not. Furious, she returns to the TARDIS.

No sooner has Peri entered the control room that a Terileptil named Danstop wanders in, carrying the Doctor over his shoulder. The Time Lord has got completely smashed, mixing his Pan-Galactic Gargle Blasters and Shirley Temples like there's no tomorrow. As Danstop drops the dissolute Gallifreyan on the floor and wanders back to Lucan's Bar, the Doctor begins to sing a song about goblins.

Disgusted, Peri tries to drag him to the nearest bed - which the Doctor promptly vomits all over. Peri is not amused, as it was her bed. She throws the Doctor into his own bed and decides to wait up for Sil. However, the Doctor's clock radio switches on, tuned to the 24-hour Disaster Area rock and roll marathon, and the Doctor is roused from his slumber, babbling that he can hear a voice in his mind, a voice of unimaginable power from beyond the dawn of time. The Doctor decides to refer to this being as 'the Disc Jockey'.

Vowing to do the bidding of 'the Disc Jockey', the Doctor runs to the control room and begins reprogramming the console. The TARDIS takes off, abandoning Sil and Zaurak Minor to hurtle into the depths of deep space with such velocity the Doctor spins around and falls over, screaming "Get a bucket, Leela! I think I'm going to be sick!"

After a few moments of vomit, close harmony singing and ABH, the Doctor hits a particular control on the console and immediately sobers up, lucid and calm in an instant. The Doctor explains he programmed the TARDIS' telepathic circuits to download the intoxication from his mind - and at that moment, the time machine lurches out of control and crash-materializes into the service ducts of the giant green space ship, the Vipod Mor.

The Vipod Mor is a gigantic exploration vessel painted bright green. It was created by the peoples of the Setna Sreen galaxy to explore space, seek out new and distant civilizations, to pass the final frontier and go boldly where no one in their right mind would ever go before. And the main computer expert has finally recovered from an eight-year-old hangover he picked up at a Voxnic club on Zaurak Minor...

Sil is horrified to find that his brain has been transplanted into the body of a perfectly ordinary ape descendant by a drunken surgeon Oliver Sneed, whom Sil remembered using as a sofa during the party. Exactly how and why Sil's brain was shoved into a human's body and left in control of a massive space liner is something he doesn't particularly want to know - especially as he's just realized that the captain of the Vipod Mor is in fact the Terileptil Danstop, who has spent the last eight years in a bath, making quacking noises.

The main computer (who is happy to be called 'Eddie' if it helps you relax), explains that a police box has appeared out of nowhere and slammed into an internal bulkhead. Quickly realizing that the Doctor has somehow caught up with him, Sil orders some crewmembers to search the ventilation ducts, and is promptly told to get stuffed.

Eddie explains that some hideous bio-mechanoid monster is roaming the ducts of the Vipod Mor, slaughtering anything it comes across. Already, it has used the entire maintenance crew as dental floss, leaving only their boots behind. Sil cannot believe Eddie neglected to mention the ruthless inhuman killer in the ducting, and gets the defensive reply:

"You didn't ask!"

Stepping out of the decidedly queasy TARDIS into the stygian gloom, the Doctor and Peri trade insults and stub their toes. They quickly lose themselves in the gloom when a distant roaring noise indicates the arrival of a hideous, acid-bleeding, eyeless, drooling, face-hugging, chest-bursting Star Beast from the Outer Darkness.

Or, that the Doctor's bowels are playing up.

Deciding not to take the risk, the Doctor and Peri hurry deeper into the labyrinth of passages and stumble across Richard Mace - Shakespeare's alcoholic grandson, a travelling thespian, and rent boy extraordinare - who the Doctor last met in his fifth incarnation, on Earth, in 1666. Mace explains that the last thing he remembers was chatting up the three-breasted Vospodian waitress at Lucan's Bar, and suddenly he found himself in the ducting of the Vipod Mor, eight years and millions of parsecs later. Before the Doctor can ask just HOW Mace got from the Great Fire of London to Zaurak Minor, the monster catches up with both of them.

"Never fear," Mace announces, stepping in front of the time travelers. "I have found myself in such a position as this on several occasions. One day, while walking through a forest on the planet Vigal Minor, I was swallowed whole by a splay-footed Hedron. As I slowly slid down the Hedron's gullet, I decided to spend my last remaining seconds reciting my favorite sonnet, 'Ode To A Flashiest Mud Scavenger' by Poet Master Grunthos the Flatulent, one of the Azgoths of Kria. Such was the mind-bending stiltedness of my performance, that the mucus in the Hedron's gullet evaporated, and it was forced to regurgitate me or choke. It just spat me out, quite unharmed."

So saying, Mace strides bravely towards the monster, only to realize at the very last moment that this is NOT a splay-footed Hedron but, in fact, the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal, which has already digested Mace's torso before he says a word. As it rains blood in the air duct, the Beast turns on the Doctor and Peri...

...but, at the last moment, the Doctor reveals what he calls 'the Keyring of Rassilon' and fires it at the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal. Instantly, the Ravenous Bugblatter oh, sod it! The RBBBFT promptly falls over and gurgles an extremely pathetic gurgle.

"Wha... what... what did..." Peri gasps inquisitively.

"I just absorbed all of my intoxication from the main TARDIS data banks and them beamed them directly into the cerebral cortex of the RBBBFT. It's so smashed out of its skull, it won't bother us again."

"Why did it take you so long to think of it?"

"What are you implying? I thought of it straight away!"

"But that means you just stood idly by while poor Richard Mace was torn apart!"

"Oh, well, if you want to be perfectly literal about it..."

Beside herself with fury, Peri round on the Doctor – and promptly plummets out of sight as she falls into an open ventilation shaft. As she was ALREADY in the air duct, the Doctor suspects that Peri has some bad karma to deal with and, stepping over the sleeping RBBBFT, wanders off in search of some food.

Peri survives the fall intact (this is not impossible, but very, very, improbable) by landing on two Kakrafoon police men, Shooty and Bang-Bang. They too were attending the all-night rave at Lucan's Place, and have even less idea than Peri as to how it seems everyone from that party has found themselves in the ventilation system of the Vipod Mor eight years later. But they remain calm - after all, it isn't easy being a cop.

While looking for the TARDIS, the Doctor encounters a lugubriously depressed Sirrius Cybernetics android called Marvin with a genuine person's personality. However, that person seems to have been a chronically-depressed lemming. After hearing complaints about Marvin's aching left side, his huge intellect being squandered and the dead mouse in his leg, the Doctor snaps and zaps him with the Keyring of Rassilon in the hope Marvin will lighten the hell up.

At first, it seems like the android is as maudlin as ever when suddenly it detaches its own head and uses it as a football. The headless body shakes the Doctor's hand and walks off, doing a little jig as its detached head complains that even its own body doesn't want to be around it any more.

Turning the corner, the Doctor is surprised to find a kaboose sitting in the middle of the ducting, and even more surprised to find a bunch of strange alien creatures sitting inside, watching Eastenders and not in the least bit interested in anything he says or does.

Suddenly, the Doctor clutches his head. The intoxication he flooded Marvin with has now spread to Eddie the computer, which is desperately trying to download back into the Doctor's mind. The Time Lord falls to his knees, screaming in agony until one of the aliens shoves him out of the kaboose and slams the door so they can watch their soap opera in peace. The Doctor sobs heroically that he is Merlin the Happy Pig, and slumps, lifelessly, to the floor...

The Time Lord suddenly blinks and finds himself back inside the TARDIS along with Peri and Sil (still stuck in the body of Shellingborne Grant) as the last of the alcohol leaves his system. He quickly learns that Eddie the computer has accidentally stumbled on the formula of time travel and now plans to send the Vipod Mor hurtling backwards in time so he can check out this really froody party on Zaurak Minor.

As the RBBBFT has conveniently slaughtered every other speaking character, the Doctor sets the TARDIS to materialize in the core of the computer systems, time-ramming Eddie out of existence and blowing up the bright green spaceship (as green is the Setna Sreen color of peace, the Doctor believes this will give the cosmos 'a great psychological message').

As the Doctor punches the final controls on the console, the scanner opens to show... the BASTARD! The evil Time Lord explains he has been sent by the High Council of Time Lords to stop the Doctor's interference, which will endanger the very balance of cause and effect. The Doctor says the Bastard is full of shit and moves to hit the final button.

The Bastard frantically explains that he once broadcast a message to the entire population of Setna Sreen, claiming to be Vipod Mor and not to experiment with time travel - so they would ultimately build a ship capable of travelling in time and name it after him. The Bastard reveals that Eddie is so plastered he will overshoot the rave at Lucan's Bar and instead head for the moment of the very creation of the universe itself...

The Vipod Mor will trigger the Big Bang!

Thus, if the Doctor intervenes, the universe will never have happened!

At this revelation, the Doctor laughs in the Bastard's face, explaining that he's BEEN to the space galleon Terminal, created by the Tralfamadorians and whose unstable fuel rods were the cause of Event One when they were jettisoned into the void. The Bastard awkwardly explains that the fuel exploded BECAUSE of the Vipod Mor, but the Doctor thinks that his old sparring partner is just spoiling his fun because HE wants to destroy the Vipod Mor himself!

The Bastard insists that this isn't the case and that he really IS on a mission from the Time Lords, but the Doctor is having none of this and activates the TARDIS. There is the familiar wheezing, groaning sound followed by a raspberry as the Vipod Mor vanishes in a cheap negative effect. The Doctor then gets out his pocket watch and waits for the whole universe to cease to have ever been.

After fifteen minutes, the Bastard scowls and calls the Doctor a smartarse before closing the scanner in a vulgar way. The Doctor laughs to himself, and promptly sets the TARDIS to complete the Vipod Mor's journey to Zaurak Minor and the party at Lucan's Bar.

"I assume we're going to get my brain BACK into its previous and far more attractive body, Doctor?" asked Sil suspiciously.

The Doctor blinked a lot. "Er... yes! Of course! Why else would we go there, anyway?" he said before grinning to himself.

Book(s)/Other Related -
Doctor Who - The Piss-Up of DISASTER!
Doctor Who Versus the Dolmansaxlil Shoe Corporation (Canada Only)
Hungover Time Lords Say The Loopiest Things

Goofs -
As the TARDIS materialises on the ship, someone off-screen hurls a bottle of vodka straight at the police box and it shatters, creating a pool of liquid and broken glass that Peri slips in upon leaving the time machine.
Although she claims to have 'fallen 12 metres onto Bang-Bang', Peri is clearly shown to accidentally step on his foot.
The RBBT is clearly the Gravis from "AFRONTIOS" wearing Groucho Marx-style moustache and glasses
In episode 5 just after the Doctor says 'That's right', someone can be heard climaxing in the background.

Technobabble -
"Not even a Spastic torpedo would scratch Antipodean matrix steel!"

Links and References -
The Doctor orders 'Tegan' and 'Turlough' to back up his claim to the Bastard that they know Terminal to have caused the Big Bang, before being violently reminded he is actually talking to Peri and Sil.
Richard Mace notes the Doctor has gone downhill since they last met in "The Visit", but admits his standard of travelling companions has definitely improved

Untelevised Misadventures -
We never actually DO see what goes on in Lucan's Place on either of the Doctor's visits. And perhaps that's for the best.

Groovy DVD Extras -
A special "How to Mix 1800 Alcoholic Cocktails For Fun and Profit" hosted by Marvin the Paranoid Android with his usual flair.

Dialogue Disasters -

Marvin: Oh, that's just typical, that is. Even my own body would rather wander off into a ventilator duct stalked by an omnivorous killer rather than stay here and keep me company. I wish I could say I was hurt and upset but I'm far too intelligent to be shocked and surprised by this development. It all makes a depressing sense to me as I watch my own torso continually bump into feed grilles. Why did I even bother to talk to the idiot in that coat when I knew what he was going to do. Oh, GOD I'm depressed... Oh, look! Coronation Street's on!

Bang-Bang: You have the right to remain silent, but I wouldn't encourage you to do so. Anything you say will be taken down, altered to my satisfaction and used in a court of law to send you down for a good many years. So start confessing.
Doctor: That doesn't sound entirely fair.
Shooty: Hey, it isn't easy being a cop.

Doctor: It's always significant if you find insignificance significant, but I've always found significance significantly insignificant in relation to insignificant significance. Which probably signifies something, don't you think?

Shooty: Snatch him, Frisk!

Dialogue Triumphs -

Peri: You started to wink and flash and grunt like some dirty old man in a park.
Doctor: My god, I'm sorry! ...I am a little naïve when it comes to this sort of thing.

Doctor: You're saying, if I press this button, the universe will instantly be cancelled out?
Bastard: Do I detect a note of skepticism, Doctor?
Doctor: No, no, of course not.
Bastard: Good.
Doctor: Not a note. More a sort of symphony with a philharmonic orchestra's backing of skepticism.

Eccentrica Gallumbits: I'm afraid sir, the only position I can adopt is a horizontal one.

The chilling hangover scene -
Doctor: (covering his ears) Wos?
Doctor: Go way! I'm ill!
(The Doctor begins to vomit into a waste paper basket extremely loudly.)
Peri: Ugh! I'm not cleaning that up, Doc!
(The Doctor collapses. Peri peers into the basket)
Peri: What on Earth were you eating last night? It still looks alive! Where did you learn your table manners, anyway? My God, it’s looking back at me! Doctor? Doctor! Doctor! Come on, wake up!
Doctor: (groans) Oh, fuck off, Peri...

Shooty: Don't you think your gun's a little small?
Bang-Bang: Your gratuitous use of innuendo often disturbs me, lad.

Doctor: I came as soon as I could.
Sil: I've been stuck on the Vipod Mor for EIGHT years!
Doctor: Yes... but you've only been sober for two minutes!

Viewer Quotes -

"This is the second Eric Saward story in which a character with the name Bates is killed horribly. Well, I'M worried!" - Norman Bates (1988)

"This play is the most faithful of the three to its era. All the Sawardian elements are here, usually for the worse, and the script doesn't appear to take itself too seriously, if at all. Definitely one to watch after the thirtieth pint when the pink lizards start dancing around the pub." - "Sloshed" Harry Hill (2000)

"Don't look at me - I had NOTHING to do with this!" - Douglas Adams (1987)

"Easily forgettable. What am I talking about again?" - Some fan whose name escapes me at the moment (some time)

Psychotic Nostalgia -
"Colin Baker and Nicola Bryant are not to blame for the direness of SlipUp. They are the innocent parties in this. But who in life is TRULY innocent? Not me, that's for sure! Get me the razor blades!"

Colin Baker Speaks!
"I remember that, for timing reasons, we had to cut out a whole sequence when my Doctor just went into a gay pub called Lucan's Bar on a planet called Zaurak Minor. I noticed that because Saward was, himself, frequenting a gay pub down the road and turning up for work appallingly drunk and kept criticizing Paul Darrow for interfering in the creative process - which was odd, I thought, because Paul Darrow had absolutely no involvement in SlipUp at all. Yes, the monsters were much scarier in that story. I have no idea why Saward wanted the monsters to be costumed in an audio drama, and with all those sets. You know, now I come to think of it again, I'm fairly certain it was just another TV episode. Except, for some reason, only audio survived - which isn't surprising, considering there were no cameras. Another thing Saward insisted between projectile vomiting. How odd."

Rumors & Facts -
The second to last story of the season was originally to haven The Children of January by noted gynecologist Michael Feeny Callan. This script was discarded as too expensive under the current budget, which consisted of three cardboard boxes and a photocopied IOU. Also, the production team considered the idea of the Doctor gate-crashing maternity wards in order to strangle at birth a baby that would grow up to become a really nasty geography teacher and part-time bus conductor that ultimately gains the Doctor's enmity when she sneezes on his coat as 'a bit too high-brow'.

Eric Saward's disgust with everything related to Doctor Who was growing ever worse – he would often refuse to turn up for work at all, remaining at various wine bars, pissed out of his skull. Indeed, most script conferences were conducted via carrier pigeons, and Saward had a specially modified stamp saying "Needs work, but good enough to go ahead with". This stamp allowed him to confirm the last three scripts for the series without even looking up from his triple vodka.

However, John Satan-Turner was now desperate for a replacement script, as the only scripts left to use were The Microwave-Men by former porn star Ingrid Pitt and Pip & Jane Baker's latest rewrite of a thesaurus, Gallifray, which featured the Bastard conquering a planet that, ironically, sounded a bit like Gallifrey.

Saward shouted drunken abuse at several passers by and sent a pigeon with a note to the effect he was completely plastered and in no state to write Doctor Who stories. However, the message "Doctor Who? I'm pissed as a newt! Just leave me alone!" was mistaken for "Doctor Who is pissed as a newt and just leave me alone." Believing this was an intriguing new plot, JST agreed that the next story would feature the Doctor getting hideously drunk on screen, warble 'On With The Motley' and then try to strangle Peri.

Unfortunately, no alcohol-lending establishment on the planet would let the Doctor Who crew film there – dark legends of Tom Baker's activities during The Android Evasion had spread far and wide. JST decided they would simply create the set for Lucan's Place in studio, but this proved far, far too expensive. The only sets available were the TARDIS control room and a corridor – and so, JST sent a pigeon to Eric Saward listing these difficulties and requesting a rewrite. The reply was a stream of vomit, bile and swearing which made up most of the drunken Doctor's dialogue, as JST mistook it for a script excerpt.

However, the cost of carrier pigeons had escalated dramatically, and the budget for the story was cut even further. Thus, in order to break even the entire story was filmed in the corridor outside the BBC canteen, with the doors acting as the TARDIS. Lights were dimmed in order to disguise the sets, and the RBBBFT was provided by reusing an old monster prop. Although there were plans to paint it green, this was veoted when it became apparent there was not enough cash to finish filming the story!

With a good thirty per cent of The Doomsday Pub Crawl (as Saward was determined to call it, in order to piss off the BBC's latest period drama, The Doomsday Pub Crawl) in the can, Colin Baker suggested the story be told in brief moments when the Doctor is sober, and the disjointed narrative was rounded up by a return appearance as Anthony Ainley as the Bastard, who waved aside his usual fee for being able to actually enter the canteen and eat something.

The story, renamed SlipUp as the captions cost fifteen shillings per character, was considered 'the Lame Shit' of the season, only just losing out to Messing With Magnus as most nauseating waste of space all year. Such criticisms did not daunt JST, who pointed out just how much publicity the last-minute replacement story had gained. Of course, most of the publicity came from The Sun's "DOCTOR BOOZE! Dotty Doc Gets Plastered With Space Drunks!" and several lurid 'artistic impressions' of the Doctor vomiting in Peri's bra. All this simply boosted JST's power complex even further.

Oddly enough, it took only one fan to point out that they had misnamed the character from Eric Saward's own The Visit that brought the producer down to earth and he immediately broke down in tears.

Missing Season 23 Wrap-Up –

The revelation on 3 April 2005 that the BBC had forgotten to broadcast a whole season of Colin Baker caused a tremendous upset amongst Doctor Who fans. This new season plus the one RTD making caused countless fans to spontaneously combust, leading to, for a short period, the general belief that all Doctor Who fans were suicide bombers for extremist groups. This is, of course, a lie. No extremist group would be seen dead or alive around scarf-carrying saddos.

Nevertheless, by this time there was the general opinion that had Colin Baker's time on the show had not been so rudely brought to a premature end by BBC politics (a full four decades early, according to the actor himself), then the Sixth Doctor would be remembered as more rounded, more agreeable, and more worthy incarnation.

Critics flocked to the five new adventures that lengthened the Colin Baker era: one not interrupted by a production rest, nor brought back by a confusing and alienating season-length courtroom drama. Indeed, Eric Saward confidently predicted that the shock-filled and controversial season would, among other things, reveal new aspects of the Doctor's identity, win Colin Baker audience acceptance as the Doctor, increase Peri's already cult-like following with male fans and all in all be regarded by many as the finest season in Doctor Who.


Unseen 6th Doctor - Yellow Fever And How To Cure It

Serial 6Z/4 – Revenge of the Autons
Revenge of the Autons
An Alternate Programme Guide by Ewen Campion-Clarke
An Extract From The EC Unauthorized Programme Guide O' Canon Fodder

Serial 6Z/4 - Revenge of the Autons -

Aboard the TARDIS, the Doctor and Peri are having a furious, blazing row as Sil the Thoros Betan and Rachel the inflatable woman watch on. The Doctor insists he is a shape-changing alien time traveler who can go anywhere and anywhen in time and space. Peri retorts he is some weird English guy who continually strands her and her sluggy pal in bizarre recreations of England's history.

Having had enough, Peri demands to be returned to her home time and place: New York of 1984. The Doctor responds by piloting his time machine towards Singapore of 1988 – and is, admittedly, somewhat put out when the police box materializes and the scanner screen shows the Statue of Liberty. After a last, foul-mouthed tirade, Peri turns and leaves the TARDIS and its bewildered occupants forever more.

However, she is stopped short when she discovers that the police box has arrived in a Singapore garden composed entirely of vacuum-formed plastic statues – the Statue of Liberty, Nelson's Column, Venus de Milo, Dr. Zaus from Planet of the Apes, and Phantom Peak. The Doctor, Sil and Rachel emerge from the TARDIS, the former congratulating himself on his amazing navigational skills.

As the trio join up with the morose Peri, they pass a rather strange-looking gypsy woman and violin-playing bearded man. Cackling evilly, the two street players retreat inside their caravan. Inside, the truth is revealed – it is the Bastard and his wife, the Rani (formerly the Third Doctor's assistant Jo Grant), and the "caravan" is the Rani's TARDIS, cunningly disguised. However, the Rani is rapidly getting bored of the 'holiday' in Singapore, where two of the most advanced life forms in the universe are forced to dress up as buskers and perform to the crowd for loose change.

The Bastard twirls his moustache, relishing the sheer evil of their crime – he uses his brainwashing mind powers to make sure every passer-by makes a donation. "...and the poor fools never realize! Bwa-hah-haha!" the evil Time Lord laughs.

The Rani dryly points out that so far they've managed to scrape together enough cash for a happy meal at the local McDonalds. Clearly, all the rich gits in Singapore avoid this particular back street next to the plastic statue theme park. Frankly, moving their TARDIS would be a smart move, but quitting the whole 'beggar' routine would be smarter. The Bastard awkwardly tries to change the subject, but the Rani turns the tables on him and demands they go out for dinner tonight. The Bastard explains, he'd like to, he'd love to, except... At its simplest, he is experiencing an extreme negative cash flow situation.

"What do you mean, 'you're broke'?!?" the Rani snaps.
"Well, uh, I don't have any money. Dear."
"I don't believe this! We held up a bank on Saurius Major two hundred years from now – and that was just LAST WEEK!"
"That is true. Petal. But, er, Saurian currency DOES consist of hand-woven sachets of KY jelly and I doubt the locals will accept it. And if they do, I honestly don't think that their food is trustworthy."
"Oh, for crying out loud, just swallow your pride and use the TARDIS ATM like a normal time-traveling renegade criminal genius."
"Well, er. Flower. Bit of a problem there."
"Now what?!?"
"The ATM is, er, out of order."
"HOW out of order?"
"Completely out of order. I was just taking out some Zom liquid inflation-proof notes and..."
"Oh no! Not Zom liquid inflation-proof notes?!?"

The Bastard sighs, admits he was stupid enough to dial up the main currency of the one planet in the whole cosmos stupid enough to worship the Doctor and print his face on their money. As the Bastard has never been on a bank note, he got the red mists and used his tissue compression doohickey and ruined the TARDIS ATM. The begging in Singapore was just his unsuccessful attempt to distract his wife while auto-repair kicked in.

The Rani is furious, indeed, SO furious that as she peers out the window and spies the Doctor wandering past she deliberately avoids telling the Bastard, knowing too well this will start a truly pathetic 'terrible revenge' that will be very embarrassing for all concerned.

At that moment, a hail of glowing crème eggs plummet out of the sky and land at strategic points across Singapore. The Rani recognizes the crème eggs as Nestle energy spheres, which she created during a dull long weekend at Winchester. She and the Bastard created the alien menace, not only for fun, but created an ouroborotic time loop that lead to their first meeting in the first place. They watch on proudly as the plastic statues in the park are brought to life by the alien intelligence and promptly go on a rampage.

The Bastard admires the fact that the Nestles have chosen to go right to the 'destruction of civilization' phase of the plan straight away rather than create a ludicrous human go-between and invent chocolate factories that will no doubt attract human attention. As he applauds the aliens' subtlety, he and his wife watch Queen Victoria and a bust of Napoleon slaughter awestruck tourists trying to pose with them.

The Doctor suspects the Nestle influence has reached Singapore – not only because of various plastic and chocolate items murdering innocents in sight, but because Rachel has been possessed by the evil aliens and tries to throttle him. However, due to various cop-outs like respiratory bypass systems and improper grip, the Doctor survives. He decides he will never be truly defeat an insidious menace like the Autons on his own. He thus decides to run for government, take control of the country and outlaw the substances with which the Autons will conquer the universe. He might also get into the pictures for free.

While Peri and Sil begin an advertising campaign – "Vote the Doctor For King!" – the Rani and the Bastard watch on with a spiraling sense of bewilderment. Normally, they would side with either the Doctor or the Autons to fight the other and control the Earth but this sudden segue into politics unnerves them. They decide to get in contact with their "true master", whom they know only as "Fearless Leader", High Lord of the Brotherhood of Evil, the Corporation that Secretly Runs The Universe. They communicate with Fearless Leader via an old Bakelite television set in the corner of the room.

Fearless Leader – a cardboard cut out of a comic strip panel showing super-villain in a balaclava – talks to them in a sickening Russian accent. In faltering English he explains that, in order to convince the universal governments of his power, he is deciding to allow the Nestles to conquer Earth and they HE will conquer the Nestles by 'conwerting' the Nestle Consciousness to 'EWIL'! When the Bastard timidly points out that they will simply be foiled by the Doctor like every other week, he and the Rani are electrocuted by Fearless Leader's power. He explains he already has an operative working in the field...

At that moment, a B29 bomber reappears over the Bermuda triangle, piloted by a crazed, cigar-smoking Ninth Doctor in a ten gallon hat along with his deeply-fried co-pilot Rose. Taking the wrong turn at Albuquerque, they end up in Singapore and the Ninth Doctor rewires the in-flight television. They then get a credulity-straining info dump via Singapore television, as a newsreader comments that if the alien lust replicas don't shape up pronto, they will use their nuclear warhead. Said warhead is cunningly concealed in the deserted warehouse district. The Ninth Doctor and Rose dismiss the news bulletin as "Tokyo Row Taiwanese propaganda" and decide to steal the warhead and make President Truman a proud man...

Meanwhile, the Sixth Doctor is rehearsing his inauguration speech while Peri and Sil prepare his broadcast to the nation. With the government slaughtered by Autons, the Doctor has assumed control of Singapore with his 'One Time Lord, One Vote' policy. Already he has designed The Reverse Polarizer, a complicated causal-nexus device that involves toasters popping, wheels spinning, burning fuses; the end result firing a cross-bow. With this he has already killed thirteen Autons during the last cutaway sequence.

As the Doctor admires a caricatured poster of himself in the background he is taken aback as a UNIT jeep smashes through the wall, carrying the Third Doctor, Jo, the Brigadier, Benton and Yates. The Brigadier – guessing the Sixth Doctor's identity via his disturbing wardrobe – explains that UNIT has been sent to Singapore to provide security for the forthcoming election. Peri is put out that the highly trained anti-alien force hasn't noticed the Autons invading outside.

The Sixth Doctor is certain his past self can come up with some ludicrous last-minute solution, and instead tries to show Peri the big picture by taking her outside and pointing up at the stars.

"What do you see, Peri? Tell me."
"Space? Stars? The cold, vastness of infinity? The star-studded canopy of celestial spaces?"
"Wrong, Peri – it's real estate. Real estate! And we've got to keep it safe for the middle classes. For too long has local government been screwing over the little man – it's about time *I* had a go."

As Peri despairs at the Doctor's sudden infatuation with power and position, the Rani politely opens the door of her TARDIS and lets in the Auton leader, the Nestle calling itself Peppermint Patty, for a respectable dinner party. The Bastard is on his best behavior and is even wearing a tie, but cannot stop himself giggling every time he looks at Patty – who is unfortunately in the shape of the Statue of Liberty. Nevertheless, after an awkward start and with much grinding of teeth from the Rani, they have a pleasant meal with Patty and discuss a possible merger over the future of the dominion of Earth.

Although Patty doesn't realize it, this is in fact a trap and the Bastard and the Rani intend to 'conwert her to ewil'. To do this, they immediately trick Patty into a sculling competition with illegal homebrew. The dazed Patty immediately agrees to stay for some after-dinner entertainment:

"Now," the Bastard grins, "Patty, the Nestle Consciousness has been colonizing worlds for half a million years – so I suppose you've never actually got round to experimenting with... car sickness pills?"

In a neighboring warehouse, the Fifth Doctor, Adric, Nyssa and Tegan are preparing their assassination of the Sixth Doctor. Tegan is surprised that the wishy-washy blonde Doctor could stomach the idea of gunning down another living being in cold blonde, but the crazed cricketer explains that he has taken up the assassination gig after Colonel Sanders appeared to him and told him to kill the badly-dressed nutter. He locks and loads his rifle and prepares to find a handy book depository to get a clear shot. Adric, Tegan and Nyssa are sent to deal with UNIT, who are providing the security arrangements.

Back in the Rani's TARDIS, the Bastard and the Rani have strapped Patty into A Clockwork Orange-style torture chair and are showing it endless silent porn flicks with flashes of PlayBeing centrefolds.

The Sixth Doctor is being interviewed by Sarah-Jane Smith, and deliberately ignoring the Fourth Doctor, who is sulking in the corner, playing with his yoyo and complaining he never lets himself ever have any fun like conquering the universe. At that moment, the Second Doctor and Jamie appear, explaining they have been sent by the Time Lords to stop the deranged Fifth Doctor from assassinating his future self. The Sixth Doctor doubts that the Second can save the day, but the little anarchist has a cunning plan – he has wired himself to explode.

"Don't you see?" the little man complained. "If *I* explode into soggy little pieces, that means that the young chap in the cricket gear will never have existed and, thus, can never harm you."

"Uh... but that will mean *I* will vanish as well!" the Sixth Doctor protests. "Doesn't that defeat the purpose of trying to save me?"

"We've all got to be prepared to make sacrifices, smartarse!"

The Second Doctor moves to press the plunger when a B29 bomber strikes the warehouse, knocking everyone over. The Ninth Doctor and Rose emerge and quickly locate one of the Autons in the guise of a bust of 19th century novelist Evelyn Waugh – it is, after all, a Waugh Head and so they assume it to be the ultimate weapon of mass destruction. As they mingle between the startled Doctors and companions, the Ninth Doctor and Rose mutter awkward apologies as they collect the device.

Suddenly, a small man with a question-mark umbrella and a panama hat arrives and snarls that such a device is immoral, inhuman and distinctly unsightly. Disgusted, he lists the horrible atrocities that will occur to millions of innocents if the Ninth Doctor uses the bomb. "Is this Waugh?" he demands. "Is this honor? Are these weapons YOU would use? TELL ME!"

"Hell, yeah," the Ninth Doctor. "We're still toe-to-toe with the Moxx of Balhoon and I ain't gonna let the Gallifreyan way of life be indoctrinated and consecrated by some ugly midget in a spacesuit."

Unable to find a flaw in the Ninth Doctor's argument, the Seventh offers to help carry the Waugh Head back to the plane.

Meanwhile, the Nestle Consciousness has been conwerted to ewil. It drinks up to seven bottles of scotch an hour and has already cheated the Rani and the Bastard out of all of their hard-won cash as it deals another round of marked cards. Upon realizing this, the furious renegades surround Patty with heaters and watch the damned thing melt.

Meanwhile, the First Doctor desperately tries to establish order as his future selves: try to blow himself with explosives; reverse the polarity; perform a tricky double loop; assassinate his next incarnation; run for government; carry a warhead; and pilot the plane. As various incarnations shout, why should they listen to the first Doctor? He's the oldest-looking, but he's also the youngest and most inexperienced Time Lord there – how come he's supposed to know better?

Depressed, the First Doctor sods off and the Eighth Doctor arrives wearing only a dressing gown and irritable as 'Charley' is still on the boil. Furiously, he arms the Waugh Head and tells the others they can do whatever the hell they want to do now. "You might all cease to exist before during or after the bomb explodes, but I'm sure as hell not wasting my time here. Rot in hell, you maggots!"

Just then, the Bastard enters with the melting remains of Patty on his head and takes control of all the attacking Autons. At this latest development, the Sixth Doctor just shakes his head and enters his TARDIS along with Sil and Peri. It dematerializes.

The remaining Doctors, companions, enemies and UNIT troops wonder what bug crawled up the Sixth Doctor's ass moments before they remember the bomb, which promptly explodes, wiping out Singapore forever before the Earth and finally the universe implodes around it.

Book(s)/Other Related -
Doctor Who – Yellow Fever And How To Die From It
Doctor Who & The Fanwank Implosion
Drop the Plastic Donkey

Goofs -
This story got beyond the discussion stage without complete revision.
The Sixth Doctor says that he and Peri survived the collapse of the astral plane because they were swingers. How the hell does Sil survive then? Is he a swinger because of his adventures with the Doctor?
The Earth is destroyed in the final scenes of this story and this is conveniently forgotten for the rest of Doctor Who.
Who are these "ladies of ill-repute" that Adric speaks of so fondly? And why the hell aren't they in the story? Everyone ELSE is!
Whatever happened to Rachel? One minute she's throttling the Sixth Doctor, the next... Did one of the other Doctor's kidnap her? Come to that, the respective fates of everyone bar the Sixth Doctor, Peri and Sil remain unknown. They just sort of disappeared from the entire latter half of the story once the Mara showed up.
Just what are the "failures" that the Bastard is shouting about in the TARDIS? Is he impotent? And why would he want to piss off the Rani when he must know she'd rip him apart? Didn't he learn anything from the ATM disaster?
Who took the TARDIS away? And why did they put it back later? Was it just to worry the Sixth Doctor? If so, it was a pretty stupid idea!

Technobabble –
The Bastard uses a Null Matrix Inducer to try and repair the ATM.

Links and References -
Melanie Bush promises to consider taking up traveling with the Doctor – once he dumps the slug and whiney American. He promises to call her.

Untelevised Misadventures -
The Doctor hasn't been in such a confusing adventure since James Joyce tried to take over his mind with cocktail umbrellas.

It is also implied that the Bastard and the Rani's "Fearless Leader" is, in fact, James Joyce.

Groovy DVD Extras -
An explanation, justification and apology by JST for this story.

Dialogue Disasters -

Patty: I am the Great Peppermint Patty.
Rani: Not THE Great Peppermint Patty?! Roommate of the Dreadful Delores? Cousin of the Semi-Terrifying Fred? Neighbor to the Inoffensive Bob?
Patty: The very same.

Second Doctor: You go find Victoria, Jamie, while I find the equipment.

First Doctor: My dear woman, that's the trouble with technicians. They focus all their energies on tests, on numbers, and other such minutiae; meanwhile, the world -- or a man -- passes by unnoticed. No sense of the larger view, that's their downfall. And, by the way, might I say what a packed bra you seem to be wearing tonight?

Sixth Doctor: You tried to assassinate me! Assassinate ME!?!?
Fifth Doctor: It was horrible. That monster changed and used my body for his evil purposes!
Sixth Doctor: You're not fooling anyone, blondie.

The bizarre poetry in certain scenes:
Fourth Doctor: Oh, for a screwdriver, sonic or plain!
Oh, for some luck, maybe now and again!
Oh, for a rescue both simple and quick!
Oh, for a robotic canine to kick!

Dialogue Triumphs -

Bastard: You will die a death that will span CENTURIES of agony! Every nerve in your body will suffer pain BEYOND your imagination!!
Patty: It's just a game of Fish, Time Lord.
Bastard: In which you cheated! You DID have a king!

Fourth Doctor: Romana! My wine seems to have gone missing!!
(...maybe you had to be there.)

Ace: Don't talk down to me, girl!
Adric: Who you calling 'girl'? I'm not a girl, I don't have breasts!
Ace: You don't need them.

Dustbin: I couldn't quite make that out. Enunciate! ENUNCIATE!

Susan: What do you and Grandfather do?
Charley: Mostly shag each other senseless.


Second Doctor: Make any request, and I'll play it for you.
Fourth Doctor: Any request? Stop playing.

Ninth Doctor: OI, the seven of us are going to have a game of Monopoly. Fancy joining in? We'll let you be the Scotty dog!
Jamie: Are you taking the piss?

Cyberman: Why did you release the girl?
Third Doctor: Why is it always "the girl"? Don't villains know a woman when they see one?
Adric: I AM NOT A GIRL!!

Sixth Doctor: You see, Melanie, the TARDIS has been my only home for longer than some civilizations have existed. Without her, I become trapped, constrained, a mere vestige of myself. She has cradled me in death and in rebirth, been my doorway to wonders and horrors than break the soul or heal it.
Melanie: Yes, but I'm sure we can make do without it, Doctor. I mean, it's just another emotional crutch, really, isn't it? You've got to learn self-sufficiency in this day and age!
Sixth Doctor: Melanie, you don't understand! The TARDIS and I... We exist in symbiosis. If that ever stops, one of us becomes a parasite. A vampire, a dead thing sucking the life out of the other. A travesty of what once was.
Mel: Oh, Doctor, you're just being melodramatic now.
Peri: Uh-huh. You should see him when he gets enthusiastic. That's downright fucking terrifying.

The Second Doctor (covered in sticks of dynamite) to Ace:
"Feeling... insufficient?"

Peri: Doctor, I honestly don't think that running for government is going to stop the Nestles!
Sixth Doctor: I suppose I'm a hard one to convince, but frankly, I don't care what you say. I'm a madman at heart.

Nyssa: So just WHY are you trying to kill your future self?
Fifth Doctor: The light that is in me is darkness.
Nyssa: Just that?
Fifth Doctor: Well, I suppose the outfit is good enough reason...

Leela: People who wave guns around have this bad habit of getting shot. That's why I prefer using knives.

Sixth Doctor: I do so hate it when racism comes into these death threats. Couldn't you just kill me because you hate my outfit or my hair or something, and leave the Time Lords out of it?
Fifth Doctor: See, Nyssa? All the justification I need!

Ninth Doctor: Ah, Singapore! It's so fantastic here.
Rose: It's hot.
Ninth Doctor: But in a fantastic way.

Seventh Doctor: Something's wrong, Ace. With the universe. Can't you feel it? It's like an orchestra with one instrument out of tune?
Ace: It's just that Beatle with the recorder, Professor, nothing to get all worked up about.
Seventh Doctor: What do you mean nothing to get worked up about? He's mangling Hey Jude like there's no tomorrow! That music is the little sleep that brings death to us all!
Ace: Just take the bloody recorder off him if it's such a big deal!

Melanie: I'm sorry, Doctor, but I won't set foot in that TARDIS until you get rid of Sil here.
Sil: Why? What's wrong with me?
Melanie: What's wrong with you? Doctor, he's a money-grubbing slug!
Sixth Doctor: Well, nobody's perfect!

The First Doctor about the Sixth:
"So there are nine of me now. You beat the rest hands down in terms of sheer homosexual deviancy. Yes, I should say so. Hmm."

Sixth Doctor: This situation seems to me to bear all the tell-tale signs of my old enemies - the Dustbins, the Cybermen and the Bastard!
Peri: But, it's the Autons invading Singapore!
Sixth Doctor: That's just what they WANT you to think, Peri!

Eighth Doctor: Now, in order to more effectively combat this menace, I think we should pool our information. I'll go first... All right, now you go.

Viewer Quotes -

"It started off well enough, with the Time Lord/Nestle war, then something just...happened. I don't know exactly what DID happen, but it was bad, baby. I mean, it had FANGS, that's how bad it was." - Paranoid Cult TV Monthly (1998)

"Fearless Leader and his evil cohorts were rather a nebulous but intriguing enemy, so why the hell were they replaced during episode three with the Mara, which makes little to no sense unless we assume there was a last-minute justification for the Fifth Doctor going all postal worker. But would even he have taken the word of that paper snake monster that his sixth self was the antichrist? I know I would have! Just look at him! Those question marks are really the numbers of the beast! Evil! Evil from the dawn of time!" - Father James O'Malley (1987)

"The morality of the Bastard's actions is questioned, but all too quickly rationalized away. I mean, I bet HE has cheated at Fish once or twice, huh? Huh?" - Mickey "Blue Eyes" McDoon (1993)

"An excellent build-up, with suspenseful events and realistic characterization, and an ending that is disappointing to say the very least. Quite like sex with me, if I'm honest." - Nigel Verkoff (2000)

Psychotic Nostalgia -
"Yeah, turning people into Autons is a mighty delicate piece of work. You can't just, for example, shove a hose pipe down their throat and pump in liquid plastic and hope for the best. Trust me on that one."

Colin Baker Speaks!
"I don't really have much to say about this story. I mean, just watching all that now... Whoa. That's all I can say. All I can say. I mean, I didn't know half of that happened, let alone was FILMED! The script was nothing like that, seriously. It was actually about this race from a alternate Earth that was destroying parallel universes in order to protect their own dimension from their vile enemies, the Anarchs. Luckily this universe, which is 263 by the way, is saved because not another universe has a Doctor like me in it. Weird how things turn out during filming on location, huh?"

Rumors & Facts -
For the next season of the Sixth Doctor, producer John Satan-Turner was determined to make the six-part mid-season blockbuster the ultimate fan masturbation story ever, beating even Atari of the Cybermen. It was to be written by Sherlock Holmes at gunpoint, after his sanity-sapping exercise on The Even Doctors. The touching tale of the Second and Sixth Doctors teaming up to confront the Fourth Doctor as he attempts to conquer the universe starting from Seville was, at the end of the day, nothing more than a limp justification for JST to go overseas, enjoy himself, and demand payment from the BBC.

Eric Saward was on record as thinking JST was "pushing it" after he had tricked the BBC given them three months' paid vacation at Blackpool Pleasure Beach on the flimsy justification they were filming Doctor Who. JST, however, considered this the perfect moment for a surprise attack, and so he and his boyfriend hauled ass to Singapore to, er, 'scout out suitable locations' in person.

Returning to England with a deep tropical tan and several interesting infections, JST showed Holmes and Saward three seconds of location footage that he had managed to film at great personal risk before a piece of hot meteorite struck the handheld camera and rendered it useless for the rest of their stay. Saward and Holmes were under-whelmed at the few, out-of-focus frames that showed a fountain at a ninety-degree angle when JST said the magic word, "Autons!"

While, as a rule, Holmes preferred creating new situations and characters, he did have a soft spot for ones HE'D invented. The Autons had been invented by Holmes in fifteen seconds one sunny afternoon in 1969. While thinking of possible monsters, he decided to use all the types and just stick one name to it. Thus the Autons (and their controlling force, the Nestle Consciousness) are: a secret government conspiracy, evil doppelgangers, sweet-tasting confectionery, unstoppable plastic robots, everyday objects gone bad, and huge Lovecraftian monsters all within the space of twenty-five minutes.

However, Holmes couldn't think of any even remotely plausible explanation for why the Autons would be in Singapore, or even if they were then he doubted they'd be doing anything interesting or broadcastable. Holmes point out that the monsters had barely appeared in their second (and, until now, final) appearance, all the interesting and important stuff being centred around another one of Holmes creations – the Bastard, an evil, moustache-twirling villain that had taken Holmes even less time to create than the Autons.

However, JST took this the wrong way and believed that Holmes was suggesting the new story feature the Bastard re-joining the Autons in Singapore and was delighted at the idea. Saward caustically pointed out that a six-part serial needs a bit more meat to it than that, and JST nodded vigorously. He remembered the last story they'd done with the Bastard had had him team up with his wife, the evil augmented Jo Grant, now referring to herself as the Rani. As Holmes had created Jo Grant, JST found the idea of a second story featuring the Autons, the Bastard and Jo Grant nicely symmetrical. Rolling his eyes, Holmes sarcastically demanded why they didn't include Mike Yates, the UNIT captain he had also created in that serial, and so JST insisted that Yates appear in the story as well.

JST officially commissioned "The Overabundance of Continuity" that day, now featuring the Sixth Doctor, Peri, Sil and Rachel teaming up with the Third Doctor, Jo and UNIT to fight the Bastard, the Rani AND the Autons while at the same time repelling a surprise counter-strike by the Snotarans, Wirrn, Sharaz Jek, Q-tip, Wong-Jing and the Munsters. Even as Saward and Holmes were sent out of the room to write up a script, JST had an epiphany and immediately changed his trousers. He suggested that, by simply using the law of averages, the Sixth Doctor arrived in Singapore at the exact moment every OTHER Doctor and monster combination possible could also be done.

Holmes shook his head and immediately decided to abandon his initial plot of sex shops being overrun by Autons. The story was renamed "Laid in Singapore", and featured most of the main characters beating the shit out of each other between insulting JST for going overseas for his own sexual gratification and not giving a fig about poor writers like Holmes. The abuse was of such intensity JST saw through the subtext and demanded the material be altered. Saward changed the story to Yellow Fever and How To Die From It, suggesting to Holmes if they said "Yellow Fever" long enough JST might contract some horrible terminal disease via weird voodoo forces.

However, disaster struck mere hours into recording. Singapore's bizarre local laws prevented anyone from using video cameras or similar recording devices, which is why JST had only been able to film three seconds on his handheld camcorder (or so he claims). Furious, Saward demanded to know just how JST planned to record a six-part serial in a country when they were not allowed to use cameras. JST replied he had hoped that Holmes would think of something, but, quite clearly, the idea of location filming in Singapore had to be scrapped.

JST decided instead to relocate YFAHTDFI in Hong Kong, instead, and also set it in the year 1997 so they could make lots of amusing satirical jokes like Leonardo Di Caprio getting a job as an British man pretending to be an American in a film about the Titanic, and Jeffrey Archer getting arrested. Furious, Holmes refused to alter his script and, so, as the production crew filmed scenes in the Furama Hotel, the Castle Road Baptist Church, Tsim Sha Shui, on Hong Kong Star Ferry, inside Poco Loco club, characters constantly claimed that they were, in fact, in darkest Singapore. However, things went pear-shaped as the team left Victoria Peak for the Zhu Jiang estuary, where authorities believing that JST had smuggled in Nabil Shaban (who, in full costume, was mistaken for a strange animal) without going through quarantine.

This lead to the entire Doctor Who cast and crew being thrown in jail before being deported. With little budget left, JST decided to have the Limegrove Studios decked out in a perfect recreation of Victoria Island and the Propaganda club of Hong Kong, but still had the script refer to it as Singapore.

By this time, the so-called plot had fallen to pieces. In blind fury, Saward deliberately made sure the characters and actions went in total tangents whenever JST introduced a new 'blast from the past'. By this time, the first five Doctors and a hoard of companions had returned, along with Dustbins, Cybermen, Ice Cream Venders and Snotarans. JST was running out of old characters to drop in the plot, and after suggesting that the entire situation had been masterminded by the Mara (an ancient origami demon the Fifth Doctor had courted in Kinda and Snakedate at the behest of the Time Lords), he started to invent new and ridiculous characters to drop into the narrative. He thus came up with the manipulative anarchist Seventh Doctor and his explosive companion Ace; the half-Paddington Bear half-Lord Byron Eighth Doctor and his oversexed girlfriend Charley Pollard; and wild bronko Ninth Doctor and his tobacco-chewing sidekick Rose Tyler. These ideas were so utterly ludicrous, so monumentally crap, that when they were ultimately used as real parts of the canon, no one thought twice about a connection with the appalling chaos occurring in this Auton story.

With the costs of the serial now out of control, production of YFAHTDFI abandoned studio and was being filmed in London's China Town. JST decided that, rather than hire the likes of Tom Baker and Jon Pertwee to reprise their roles, the returning characters would be played by anyone who could speak English – age, height, appearance and even gender went out of the window, leading to a deaf, blind old woman playing Adric and an albino bodybuilder as Charley Pollard. The plus side was that the saved money allowed washing to be strategically placed so as to mask any of the more familiar everyday objects.

Unfortunately, no one was sure what counted as unfamiliar in both Hong Kong AND Singapore, and in any case there wasn't enough washing to conceal the lampposts, street signs, or the great British public. What's more, a subplot where the Doctor tried to get the Rani to change her ways by forcing her to meet her younger self (Jo Grant) was scuppered when Saward refused to allow Katy Manning two roles, as this would increase her pay a full six times above his own salary. Thus, with a black midget hermaphrodite playing Jo, the scene became even more confusing and embarrassing – especially when "Jo's" Tourette's Syndrome used up valuable screen time.

Finally, the police arrested the entire cast and crew again and the rest of the budget was wasted bailing JST out of the cells. The story was thus, unfinished and probably never would be. Saward immediately went off to get wasted while Holmes began frothing loudly at the mouth.

JST had the first inklings that YFAHTDFI would not be the best story of the season, despite the fact is was "written" by a well-liked author, featured the return of some old enemies. He thus decided to scrap the yellow fever plot line (which had yet to be filmed) and change the title to The Something of the Autons. When he asked Holmes for a suitable noun, he got the reply:

"I *will* have my REVENGE!!"

Thus, the story was finally named. Ironically, Revenge of the Autons would be the most well received of the season, as few of the fans would admit that the story was a completely baffling fanwank romp and so they applauded it. Those that actually comprehended it instantly abandoned Doctor Who and started watching The A Team instead.

Unseen 6th Doctor - The Ultimate Evil

Serial 6Z/3 - The Penultimate Evil
The Penultimate Evil
An Alternate Programme Guide by Ewen Campion-Clarke
An Extract From The EC Unauthorized Programme Guide O' Nudity

Serial 6Z/3 - The Penultimate Evil -

With the TARDIS totally cleaned out of Meep kitty litter and Cyberman pornography, the Doctor finally collapses in despair - he's got nothing to do, no one to do it with and his childhood hero is, in fact, a completely amoral bastard. At Peri's suggestion, he finally get his rocks off by mucking about with the deluxe model inflatable woman Magnus gave him.

Digging his heterosexuality out of a junk cupboard, the Doctor makes out with 'Rachel' and is surprised when she suggests he take a holiday. Sil and Peri are up for it, as long as it is nowhere near Earth in 19th century. Rachel programs the TARDIS to head for the relaxed, peaceful land of tranquility called Revulsion. The distinctly kinky and horny Revulsionites have not given a damn about their neighboring continent of Sheerdisgust – who broke off relations fifty years ago, deciding that, while, yes, if they were honest, everyone of them DID do it, but they don't want it waved in their faces all the time. The two races have had no contact for nigh on fifty years, the Sheerdisgustoids because they're waiting for the Revulsionites to make the first move, and the Revulsionites because they're too busy making moves on each other to care about the uncool squares over the hill.

The TARDIS lands on a topless beach in Revulsion, and the Doctor and Peri emerge – immediately whipping the sunbathers in a fury at their audacity to wear clothes and have platonic friendships. The Doctor flees back to the TARDIS and locks Peri out, leaving her at the mercy of the mob. The Doctor actually intends to materialize the TARDIS around Peri and save her at the last moment, but gets distracted by Rachel, who is performing a pole dance on the console. In the confusion, the police box takes off and lands in a nearby laboratory where two leather clad fetishists Ravlos and Kareelya (or Spankman and Bobbit as they prefer to be called). The Doctor emerges and is promptly tied up and a silver foil cap placed on his head. The Doctor is rather put out at this development, and frustrated he has no way of joining Spankman and Bobbit as they continue their naughty games.

Meanwhile, Peri has met up a young man called Abatan (or JD Massive as he likes to be known) who explains he is into pretty much everything, but he has been known to go a little to far – when a former lover covered themselves in chocolate sauce and invited him to eat it off, Abatan got a bit carried away and unintentionally committed cannibalism. Just the other day, a bit of a kinky game with his old girlfriend Mariana got a bit out of hand when he forgot the safety word and hurled over the very cliff that he and Peri now stand on.

So caught up is Abatan in his explanation, he picks up Peri and tries to throw her over the cliff until Peri struggles free and tells him to snap out of it. Abatan immediately apologizes and picks up Peri and tries to throw her over the cliff, but at the last moment stops, smacks his forehead and says, "Oh, sorry. Sorry. I remember now." He wanders off, gets bored, and decides to throw Peri over the cliff anyway, but trips and plummets to his death. Bored with this mediocre plot line, Peri decides to try and find the Doctor. After asking a polite local what crimes in Revulsion carry automatic death penalties, she heads for the Cupboard Under The Stairs, locked since the truce with the Sheerdisgustoids, and containing the most revolting, erotic devices on the planet. Peri believes that the Doctor has probably already accidentally stumbled across the Cupboard Under The Stairs and is probably already locked up under sentence of death.

The Doctor, however, has been released by Rachel and, in a psychotic rage wrecks the lab and beats the living shit out of Deputy Ruler Escoval, who instantly vows revenge against the badly-dressed time traveler. Escoval immediately begins a game of Simon Says.

Yes. Simon Says.

For some reason, the Doctor, Ravlos and Kareelya HAVE to do what he says and, in minutes have confessed to being agents of the Sheerdisgustoids, using extremely unimaginative weapons clearly ripping off the Dolmansaxlil Shoe Shop Intensifier Ray to turn the Revulsionites to insane, uncontrollable CELIBATE freaks! By simply getting the ruler of Revulsion to "have a go" in the game, Escoval also takes over supreme executive power over the entire country and plans a war to conquer Sheerdisgust and thus get some new groupies.

Peri arrives and she and the Doctor make an ingenious escape. Well, I assume that's what they do. Peri just shouts 'Now!' and they jump up in the air, disappear and reappear inside the TARDIS, which is now sitting inside a specially modified asteroid base orbiting Earth, er, the planet where all this crap is happening. Not thinking this is at all strange or worth investigating, the Doctor and Peri use the TARDIS to head for the island of Sheerdisgust and find a pleasant, nice village with lots of lovable middle-class eccentrics wandering around, being nice to each other. Three minutes after the Doctor and Peri step from the TARDIS, the village is a burnt out ruin where crowds of gnarled, hairy primitives grunt abuse at each other.

The Doctor admits this isn't exactly the effect he was hoping to have, but the Sheerdisgustoids are now in such disarray the Revulsionites will have absolutely no trouble conquering the country and enslaving the inhabitants. They leave in the TARDIS, only for the Doctor to realize they had materialized fifty years early and just caused the incident that sparked the "truce" in the first place! Swearing under his breath, the Doctor pilots the time machine into the future in order to do the same thing all over again.

This time the police box arrives in a plain smothered by mist where stunningly attractive naked people wander around with hurricane lanterns attacked to their foreheads. In time-honored fashion, the Doctor and Peri are captured, stripped naked, tortured and brought before the ruler of Sheerdisgust, a being known as... the Gerbil.

The Gerbil explains that the Sheerdisgustoids regained order by stapling hurricane lamps to each others' foreheads in such a way that, well, they are kept in a state of perpetual bliss that their Revulsionite neighbors can only strive for. Thus, the Doctor and Peri are allowed to leave in the TARDIS on the condition they head for Revulsion and tell them what losers they are.

However, the populace of Revulsion have finally realized they have given up all their rights and forged a never-ending dictatorship simply because Simon said. They promptly decide that they're sick of this game and concentrate once more on getting tans and experiencing multiple orgasms. Crushed, Escoval puts all his belongings in a handkerchief tied to a pole and wanders off into the sunset.

Upon learning this, a rather deflated Doctor and Peri return to the TARDIS, where the Doctor spontaneously realizes the cupboard where he kept Rachel contains three items that can instantly solve the plot. When asked why the hell he didn't use them earlier – I mean, a LOT earlier, like when the Dustbins invaded Earth – to save the day, the Doctor punches Peri's lights out.

Attaching an ACME beam locator to the console, the Doctor instantly transports the TARDIS to the mysterious Bondian asteroid base though I have no idea why as there seemed to be no beams emerging from the asteroid or any reason to go there into the first place! Emerging from the TARDIS, the Doctor spots an armored fridge-like termination droid lurching out of the shadows towards him. However, the Doctor possesses a Microgramme Circumscriber, and discovers that the robot is in fact made out of old cardboard boxes. Opening the fridge door, the Doctor discovers...

"Hello, Sil. What a nice surprise!"
"Shit. Usually works."

Sil, is in fact, rather pissed off that no one has paid him any attention since the very first scene and so stole the TARDIS at the earliest opportunity to create an asteroid base with which he could observe the collapse of civilization into war – and make an award-winning documentary along the lines of Michael Moore. He feels his been neglecting his inner world dominating megalomaniac for too long.

The Doctor, however, wields his final plot device... a crystal ball. With it, he claims to be able to see the future, and foretells a time when Sil packs in the whole situation and continues his travels with the Doctor. Sil finds this a little hard to believe, when the Doctor begins to bash the Thoros Betan repeatedly over the head with the crystal ball until he agrees. They leave, the Doctor boasting how accurate his foresight is and Sil groaning from concussion.

Meanwhile, at the bottom of a cliff, Abatan finds himself lying next to his girlfriend Mariana, both with lumps of shrapnel impaled in their skulls. The credits roll over shots of the couple making out.

Book(s)/Other Related -
Doctor Who In An Exciting Adventure On The Planet Of The Bondage Freaks
Doctor Who & A Bunch of Wankers (Canada Only)
Nigel Verkoff's Guide To Inflatable Ingrid and Other Polythene Pals

Goofs -
In the confrontation which with the alien robot, the Doctor's Microgramme Circumscriber fails spectacularly, so the Time Lord hastily adds an Ever-Ready battery to get it to start working.

The terrible breaking of the fourth wall in episode one:
Doctor: I know you! Jean Anderson, how are you?
Kareelya: I do not recall meeting you before, Doctor.
Doctor: Yes, you do! We were in The Brothers together! It's me, Colin Baker, remember!
Kareelya: Oh, yeah! How are you?

Technobabble -
Sil is rather intrigued by the concept of "Thought Balloons" which allow the user to make out with anyone they wish according to the early Oates-Rumpole Principal of "inversing the metaphor flow".

Links and References -
Rachel lying amidst Cyberman pornography eerily echoes both Messing With Magnus and Atari of the Cybermen.

Untelevised Misadventures -
The Doctor realizes he has been to Revulsion before, and takes care to ensure that he is not wearing any crushed velvet. There, he got on quite well with Spankman and Bobbit (the latter of whom is brilliant at "Suckoss", an ancient Revulsionite custom which the Doctor hopes to teach Peri one day. One day.)

Groovy DVD Extras -
Dude, there's this totally cool control on the DVD that, if you increase by seven points, makes everyone sound like chipmunks on helium! And if you use it on The Penultimate Evil, you can hear the real voices of all those distorted "sexy" groans in the background!

Dialogue Disasters -

Rachel: It is many days since you have had need of my services.
Doctor: It is indeed a long time, Rachel. It is indeed. Heterosexuality isn't really my forte, to be honest. If it wasn't for the TARDIS turning me on in such an unseemly fashion, I wouldn't be sticking my fingers in your orifice at this very moment.

Ravlos: You have been held grip by a force that allows any 'straightness' within us to override any sense of 'gayness' we might possess.
Doctor: What? Me?! Straight? Impossible!
Ravlos: I'm sorry, but it's true.
Doctor: Well, I must say I find that thought very unpleasant, to say the least. Somebody must have a very twisted sense of humor indeed to be getting up to that sort of thing. I'm totally bowled over!

Dialogue Triumphs -

Doctor: So, we want a holiday where peace is guaranteed. No strife, no murder, no mayhem, plus... But, of course – gay strip clubs.
Peri: Skies of blue, high sunshine level, good swimming.
Sil: And an indolent indigenous population that could easily be tricked into requiring arms supplies, please.
Peri: But not Singapore.
Doctor: Not Singapore?
Peri: Anywhere but.
Doctor: Right, there you have it, Rachel; what do you have in mind?
Rachel: There is only one planet in my memory guaranteeing peace, perverted pleasure and gullibility at the stated level. A planet known as... the Earth.
Sil: What a dull name.
Peri: But of course! I should have guessed by the description! WE NEVER GO ANYWHERE ELSE!!!
Doctor: We went somewhere else last week!
Peri: What? "Magnus"? I know Hawaii when I see it!

Kareelya: For a short while, you were turned into a demented creature, Doctor, whose only thought was to kill!
Doctor: Yeah, but I do that all the time – that's no indication of my sexuality, you know!

(The final scene in the Doctor's bedroom):
Doctor: Yes, you know, Rachel, I think we really could do with a holiday now.
Rachel: Now that IS a great idea. Anywhere in particular that you'd like to try?
Doctor: How about Singapore? If that doesn't annoy the crap out of Peri and Sil, I'll be fresh out of ideas...

Viewer Quotes -

"This is exactly what Michael Grade didn't want Doctor Who to be. It takes the violence quotient of Season 22 and takes it up to eleven, and gives a revolting insight into the Doctor (who, this adventure makes sickeningly clear, swings both ways). There's only so many times you can show everyone shagging each other before it gets boring – I don't know the exact number, and The Penultimate Evil doesn't actually reach that point, but boy it has a lot of fun trying!" - Nigel Verkoff (1997)

"Well, to be honest, the reason I don't like this is because it is the same as Vengeance on Vetnor. It is completely lacking in originality. The Doctor and Peri are again in similar roles to Vengeance on Vetnor, while the two continents of Sheerdisgust and Revulsion are very similar to the two main groups in Vengeance. Sil is again a rip off of Sil with similar attributes and values. Oh, wait a minute... This IS Vengeance on Vetnor! Sorry, wrong story. You can forget everything I just said." - Vincent Price (2003)

"Let me get this straight. The penultimate evil on this planet is using a game of Simon Says to take over the country. With a moral code like that, what the fuck is the ULTIMATE evil? Cheating in Monopoly? This sucks donkey balls!" - O. J. Simpson (1989)

"A world of topless beaches, bondage games, full-frontal public nudity, leather restraints and auto-erotic asphyxiation... GREAT MAKER, I FRICKEN LOVE DOCTOR WHO! IT FRICKEN ROCKS!!" - Londo Mollari (2258)

Psychotic Nostalgia -
"Doctor Who is always at its best when its stories actually contain a message for the viewers at home – and, in the case of The Penultimate Evil, it is: silver aluminum foil hats DO stop the aliens controlling your brains! At last, the truth is out!!"

Colin Baker Speaks!
"Yes, I remember getting strong sensations of déjà vu reading this script. The Penultimate Evil really does plunder aspects of both The Twin Double-D Dilemma and Vengeance on Vetnor – a complete coincidence as the author was out of his mind on happy pills, and makes you wonder just how the originals were written at all."

Rumors & Facts -
Wally Doo-Dally was a newcomer to Doctor Who and rather difficult to spot in a crowd unless you were specifically looking for his beanie-clad, bespectacled, red-and-white-striped form. An established listener of radio plays and sitcoms, Doo-Dally was also making a move into serious television viewing. He was inspired to write for Doctor Who after an all-night session of hallucinogenic mushrooms and rave music lead him to believe that the cast of Juliet Bravo were, in fact, plotting his downfall. Determined to escape the bloodthirsty ravages of Inspector Jean Darblay, Doo-Dally realized he needed the protection of a bisexual time traveler and his wacky friends.

Wally Doo-Dally's offered his services to the BBC, asking to write a story with his name in the credits, somehow believing that this would protect him from the evil Darblay. John Satan-Turner, in total denial about the last script he had commissioned from a newcomer (Lame Shit), agreed on the condition that Doo-Dally's script address the Doctor's growing crisis with his sexuality, give forceful roles to his companions Peri and Sil and also feature sequences where the Doctor enters a barely-explained psychopathic rage and attempts to kill people on more than one occasion. The BBC had made it quite clear that they wanted the new season to feature less blood-chilling violence and terror and to de-emphasize the Sixth Doctor's homosexuality, but JST was out to show that he was no one's bitch, even if the entire production crew and fan base insisted there were easier ways to get Doctor Who taken off television forever.

Wally Doo-Dally's original outline was entitled Saucy Encounter and featured the TARDIS landing in 1986 Dallas, where Peri immediately saves the life of suicidal millionaire playboy Bobby Malvenes only to discover this despair was caused when Malvenes assassinated the head of Global Oil, the late Grand Fairfax, only to leave the company to his stoned hippy son E.T., who sold the entire company off for some dope seeds. Meanwhile, the Doctor and Sil discovered that Joan Collins (to be revealed in episode two as the Rani in drag) has rid the local hospitals of overcrowding by shrinking the patients to size of ants and then selling them off at a profit.

While JST was holding press conferences dressed as a guppy and screaming that he knew exactly what he was doing, Doo-Dally finished the scripts which were now entitled Whoops, Where's My Volvox (or Volvox for short). At this time Eric Saward requested that the opening scenes to the story link up with the final sequences in Messing With Magnus by Phillip Martin, where the Time Lord Magnus offers the Doctor a "rubber dingy" as a peace offering while he and Ice Cream Vendors execute a bunch of transvestites.

Unfortunately, Doo-Dally had mixed up his morning vitamins with amphetamines and went from re-writing the first few scenes with the Doctor and Peri to re-writing the entire script, which now concerned an unscrupulous arms dealer manipulating consumer culture and a thinly-veiled rip off of Romeo and Juliet. However, no sooner had he finished did Doo-Dally realize that his main villain, the Dwarf Mordant, was nothing more than a carbon copy of the Doctor's companion Sil and promptly rewrote the entire script again, getting more and more surreal and erotic with every passing moment. An echo of the original remains in the sequence where Sil trades under the name of DwarfMordCorpCom.

Saward didn't even read the script when it arrived and, indeed, his only comment was to change the title: the story was now called The Ultimate Evil, but Saward thought that using this title meant that absolutely every other evil in every Doctor Who story ever was relegated as 'not the ultimate'. In order to solve this problem, Saward changed the story to The Penultimate Evil and left it to the fans to work out which of the various menaces the Doctor had faced fitted the description of 'ultimate'.

Fiona Cumming was chosen to direct the story, having suffered equally bewildering crap during the Peter Davison era, and she was pleased to receive a script which gave due care and attention to perverse sexual practices. Deep Roy, who played Mr. Sin in The Talents of Wong-Jing in 1977, was cast as the Dwarf Mordant – bizarrely, as the character was no longer needed. Thus, Roy can be spotted in almost every scene, sitting in the corner and sulking.

The story proved ludicrously cheap to make, being set on a topless beach in Acapulco and the local village. There were minimal special effects, with models being used to achieve the exterior shots of Sil's asteroid base, Ravlos' laboratory, the Gerbil, the inside of the TARDIS, the bottom of the cliff, and the gratuitous sex scenes between Rachel and the Doctor in the first episode.

The Penultimate Evil was novelized by Wally Doo-Dally in 1990, when he simply printed a version of the script in italics, before vanishing off the face of the Earth, his last agonized screams being swallowed up by the Juliet Bravo theme tune.

Unseen 6th Doctor - Mission to Magnus

Serial 6Z/2 - Messing with Magnus
Messing with Magnus
An Alternate Programme Guide by Ewen Campion-Clarke
An Extract From The EC Unauthorized Programme Guide O' Mastermind

Serial 6Z/2 - Messing with Magnus -

Under the influence of orange sherbet, the Doctor decides to pilot the TARDIS across the universe to the late 19th century and the extreme-climated planet of Magnus, named after an extremely froody Time Lord called Magnusanzorklyngierophel. By an amazing coincidence, the police box materializes right beside Magnus' TARDIS, which is currently in the form of an obsolete Metropolitan oak tree. While the chameleon circuit is still working, Magnus prefers his ship looking like an oak tree, which is somehow connected to his bizarre 19th century undertaker fetish. However, Magnus is so cool and popular no one likes to question this, and the Doctor throttles Peri unconscious when she tries.

The cadaverous Magnus explains he has returned to the planet named after him because he is on an official mission from the High Council of the Time Lords. The Doctor, frankly, is relieved that they're sending in a professional like Magnus and not simply throwing deranged renegades like the Doctor himself into the frying pan. The Doctor is amazed when Magnus explains he needs the other Time Lord's help in this special case.

Honoured, the Doctor, Sil and the choking Peri are sent to the palace of Xanadu to meet the ruler, Auntie Jack, cross-dresser and total dictator of Magnus (the planet). Auntie Jack explains that a strange virus in the atmosphere means that all human males on the planet die unless they wear women's clothing and wear shockingly large handlebar moustaches - and AJ believes that this has allowed his society to concentrate their efforts on technology and develop their weather technology, which stops Magnus (the planet) from flipping randomly between freezing winter and burning summer.

Sil nods and frantically warns AJ that the male-dominated planet of Savlon have developed an antidote which will allow them to invade Magnus (the planet) without wearing dresses and necklaces, and instead armored combat suits - the Magnussians will be totally stuffed. AJ gasps that he had no idea and promptly begs the Doctor to convince the High Council to let him use time technology to prevent the Savlons develop a cure.

The Doctor scratches his head, "Uh, you mean, that ISN'T the reason you called on the Time Lords in the first place?"

"No," Auntie Jack replies. "I just invited you round for tea and biscuits, like any civilized being. Just a pity Magnus didn't turn up. Arse like a nutcracker, that man..."

The Doctor is furious at the fool's errand he has been sent on and promptly tells AJ that he refuses the Magnussians' request and that their whole transvestite civilization can go down the tube for all he cares. However, when Uncle Emma reveals a sub-machine gun, the Doctor has second thoughts and meekly takes the Magnussians to Magnus' oak tree TARDIS, outside which the man himself was idly fishing for gumblejack. Magnus is furious that the cowardly Doctor has handed over the secrets of time travel and, using only the purple-ribbon on his black top hat, overpowers the Magnussian guards, empties his TARDIS and dematerializes, vowing vengeance on the Doctor.

"No one EVER messes with Magnus!" he roars as the oak tree vanishes from the face of reality.

The Doctor evades further attempts to be pumped full of lead by running around, waving his hands in air and screaming pleas for mercy.

However, the butch Magnussians grab him, wrestle him to the floor and perform Telepathic Rodgering on his poor mind. However, Uncle Emma's brain cannot cope with the kinky gay action inside the Doctor's skull and promptly passes out, allowing the Doctor to run for it.

The Doctor is soon rescued by a ground of spotty male adolescents in kinky school uniform dresses, lead by their thin-bearded leader, Cousin Vion. The teenagers are members of the self-styled MAGNII - the Magnussian Anti-Goofy Naughtiness Internal Investigators – who plan to somehow overthrow Auntie Jack and take power for themselves, not because they believe they can make a difference or even rule wisely, but just because they really get off one the idea of being in charge of a whole fricken planet.

The MAGNII have encounter Peri - the first real women they've met, and have decided to worship her and feed her all the ice cream they can supply. As the Doctor, an exalted guest of Perperguillium of the Well-Packed Bra, enjoys some "Caramel Colostomy Explosion" the sinister shape of an Ice Cream Vendor bursts in on the MAGNII HQ and, using some "Extreme Banana Sucking Chest Wound", wipes out all bar Cousin Vion. Confused by the sight of what seems to be a woman wearing her own clothing, the Ice Cream Vendor Jagger takes her back to his base in the heart of Xanadu's Freezing Centre. Jagger hopes that Peri's bosom will restore some interest to Vindaloo, depressed Ice Lord Commander who's having something of a midlife crisis.

Vindaloo is idly counting the greying scales on his head and managing to find lots of flaws in his own invasion plan to conquer Magnus. Apart from the fact Magnus is millions upon billions of miles from Mars, it is also at the moment at the height of its summer, forcing the Ice Cream Vendor invasion force to hide in the fridge of Auntie Jack and hope for some opportunity to wipe the distinctly non-peaceful Magnussians from the face of the planet. His aide, Slag, tries to cheer him up by reminding him it was HIS tactical brilliance that allowed them to commandeer a genuine invasion attempt by the Savlons when a dodgy Galactic A-to-Z left them light years off course. However, the knowledge that the entire future of the Ice Cream Vendors depends on a double-booked weekend of invasion just depresses Vindaloo further.

Jagger arrives with Peri and, since she has hands, suggests Vindaloo use her as a secretary. Indeed, Peri's presence has stirred up the listless Ice Cream Vendors, who immediately prepare to actually get of their green arses and complete the conquest of Magnus. As the surface is still too hot for them to emerge from the fridge, they have kept the Savlons alive and tell them to head out and conquer the planet for them. Or else. Please.

Peri offers to go off with the Savlons and keep an eye on them when the Doctor and Cousin Vion arrive armed with darts and begin a completely unsuccessful rescue attempt which ends will all the Savlons shot dead and the "Vanilla Ripple Explosion" bombs across Magnus activated. Peri furiously berates the Doctor for screwing up her escape, and the Doctor retorts that it was HER womanly charms which got the Ice Cream Vendors in an invading mood in the first place! The Doctor decides to try and defuse the nearest VRE bomb, but quickly gets an ice cream headache and collapses.

Meanwhile, Sil has been helping Auntie Jack and Uncle Emma break into the Doctor's TARDIS where Sil plans to finally get round to swindling the winning ticket of the ten-year billion credit Galactic Lotteries, and accidentally sets the screensaver off. Auntie Jack is shocked by the devastated world shown on the scanner until Sil wearily explains that, in a particularly bad mood, the Doctor recently reprogrammed the screen saver to create a doctored image of the world outside, making it look ruined by nuclear war.

To prove his point, Sil leads the Magnussians outside and is surprised and embarrassed when they find that while they were inside the TARDIS, the Ice Cream Vendors have used their VRE bombs to plunge Magnus into a freezing winter and then sabotage the planetary weather systems which Auntie Jack was bragging about in an early scene that, at the time, seemed pretty extraneous.

The Ice Cream Vendors, lead by Barn, capture all the main cast when Sil irritably introduces himself, complaining that while most humanoids probably look the same to Martians, a Thoros Betan doesn't exactly vanish into the crowd. Sil explains that before the Doctor kidnapped him, he'd made several good business deals with the Ice Cream Vendors and in fact manipulated them to the point where they were in the position of conquering Magnus.

The Doctor is shocked that Sil has betrayed them all, but quickly realizes that there is a third layer to this onion of villainy...

On cue, a gnarled oak tree materializes and Magnus emerges, triumphant. Thanks to his contacts Sil and Vindaloo, he has not only engineered the Ice Cream Vendor invasion of the planet Magnus but also made a shitload of cash when Sil sells the Magnussian survivors heating equipment they need to survive.

As the Ice Cream Vendors line up the non-regulars for execution, the Doctor is totally devastated that his childhood hero is just another boring megalomaniac determined to conquer the universe. Magnus insists that the Doctor is too limited, too narrow in his ideas and, in this incarnation specifically, too fucking insane to realize the big picture on this occasion. However, as he has unintentionally provided the perfect the cover for Magnus' operation, the Undertaker graciously allows the time travelers to leave and promises not to tell the Time Lords that the Doctor was willing to hand over the secrets of time travel to a bunch of cross-dressers who didn't like the look of him.

Also, he offers the Doctor Rachel, a deluxe-model inflatable woman that should provide some suitable entertainment for this incarnation. When the Doctor furiously pronounces that he's gay, Magnus dryly comments, "Doesn't matter, Rachel's bisexual."

Sulking, the Doctor storms into the TARDIS with Peri and Sil and takes off, ignoring the increasingly-desperate pleas from the Magnussians as the Ice Cream Vendors take aim and fire...

Book(s)/Other Related -
Doctor Who Fiddles With Magnus
Doctor Who - Doctor Fiddles While Ice Cream Burns (Confused Editions)
Doctor Who - Trust No One, Eat Ice Cream
Magnus Magnussans' Miss-Spelt Mastermind Marathon

Goofs -
For some reason Vindaloo decides that, rather than conquer Earth (which is a few hundred million miles from Mars) but rather head across three star systems to a planet like Magnus which is designed to be a very warm, temperate clime, a planetary Hawaii. Surely at least Jagger would have noticed that they must have past about a dozen frigidly cold worlds on the way?? Is Vindaloo suicidal?
Peri continually complains how warm it is and starts to disrobe... in the middle of Xanadu's freaking FREEZER CENTRE!
The Doctor convinces the Ice Cream Vendors to save his life because he has fingers and not clamps, and therefore might be able to operate native machinery better. How pathetic is that? And worse, the Ice Cream Vendors BELIEVED him! I mean, if I faced an alien menace who explained I should let it live because it had superior speed and dexterity to myself -- that would be one dead alien. I learned that in How To Be An Alien Monster 101!
I could probably go on, but I want to move on before my head explodes.

Technobabble -
"Counter thrust, turn, galvanize up, return to vector matrix, matrix seven over five, siven, six, Z-S = EQ squared twice, rotor operating time CDE, no time specificate... Oh, sod it! Give me that orange sherbet, this is too damn complicated!"

Links and References -
Upon spying the Doctor, Grand Marshall Vindaloo immediately covers his crotch in terror, a not-so-subtle reference to "The Spoons of Death".

Sil: I am now in the red thanks to you and your interference in moneymaking plans for the Isle of Wright.
Doctor: Oh, yes. The Isle of Wright. What a fun place that was.
Sil: ...are you taking the piss?
Doctor: In a word; yes.

Untelevised Misadventures -
The Doctor was freed from his hum-drum life of running a back street brothel and concept shop on Gallifrey when Magnus sealed Cheevah, the Doctor's domineering pimp, in crystal and dropped him into a nearby black hole.

Groovy DVD Extras -
A nifty sound option that makes EVERYONE sound like an Ice Cream Vendor.

Not to mention Mangus' guest spot on "Burke's Backyard".

Dialogue Disasters -

Jack: Sil, tell me of the transvestites you have known.
Sil: Kings, queens, subs, doms, daddys, women and some who became women via complicated surgery.
Doctor: All Sil's kinky associates tend to share one thing in common.
Sil: And what is that, Doctor?
Doctor: Leather underwear with metal studs.

Vion: I'd risk anything if it led to something not found on Magnus!
Peri: What's that?
Vion: Sex! Sex-sex-sex-SEX!
Peri: OK. Anything else?
Vion: No. Just sex.

The bewildering scene next to the Ice Chasm -
Savria: Who are you?
Doctor: I am the Doctor.
Savria: What is your quest?
Doctor: To seek the holy grail.
Savria: How does one destabilize a quantum shift?
Doctor: Reverse the polarity of the neutron flow.
Savria: OK, across you go.

Vion: Monster from Salvon? Big green thing from the ice age? It doesn't matter who or what it is - it's not going to stop me achieving what I truly desire!
Peri: And, er-
Vion: Do not ask. I shall not tell you.
Peri: It's "sex", isn't it?
Vion: Might not be.

Magnus' first line to the Sixth Doctor:
"I am a Time Lord? Homosexual? Perish the thought."

Vion: You don't understand how it is. I don't know where you come from, or what you plan to do here on Magnus. Are you a sign of the coming revelations, or a visitor from third Earth? And, just while we're on the topic, what are your views on sex?

Dialogue Triumphs -

Peri: You're just letting us go? WHY?
Magnus: I feel... magnanimous.

The scene where the Magnussians enter the TARDIS -
Emma: Let us try to travel through the fabric of time!
Doctor: No! Never! If I tell you how the TARDIS operates, you might give the details to someone like Sil! HE will develop a process of mass production and bring about willful distortion of the continuum of time!!
Sil: Hey, that's a pretty good idea! I'd never thought of that before!
Doctor: Aw, crap.

Vindaloo: Sssssooon the Grand Marshal will be here to placccce hisssss heel to your throatsssss, after which you will, of coursssse, be exxxxecuted in hisssss honour. Your bodiessss will be disssplayed to what remainsssss of your people.
Vion: And THEN the sex?
Vindaloo: No! There will be no sssssex, you hormonal freak! My orderssss are to procccceed with the extermination of all enemiesssss!
Vion: So that's a "no" to the sex?
Vindaloo: "No" to sssssex! No sssssex, no ssssurrender, and no kinky sssugessstionssss whatssssoever!
Vion: Aw, go on.
Vindaloo: NO!!!

Doctor: Come, come, don't you Ice Cream Sellers learn anything at all? Look at you, the pathetic survivors of a once great frozen food retailer!
Vindaloo: We will be magnificccccent onccccccce more, with this new planet assssss our home! Sssssooon, this world will be made perfect for mixxxxing flavors and new ingredientssssssss! The our racccccce will rissssssse again from the ashesssss of Magnussssssss to corner the Iccccce Cream market of the galaxxxxy!
Doctor: Oh, ssssscrew this for a game of sssssssoldiers!

Peri: Why are they taking so long?
Vion: Maybe... maybe they're just spinning it out for their own pleasure?!
Peri: There's NOT going to be any sex, Vion!!
Vion: Bugger!
Peri: You wish.

Viewer Quotes -

"It was really clever the way that, like, EVERYONE in this story was a totally irredeemable, sex-obsessed loser! I couldn't care less if they lived or died, which gave it a cool slasher movie feel, except I was gunning for chainsaw maniac the whole time!" - Slasher Victim Monthly (1989)

"God, is there an ORIGINAL thought in this story? We have the Doctor using the TARDIS to aid the baddies, like in Atari of the Cybermen; the Doctor is alienated by an old Time Lord buddy, like in Lark With the Rani; the Doctor takes at least an episode to get his fat arse out of the TARDIS, like in Vengeance on Vetnor; a completely pathetic use of old monsters, like The Even Doctors; and the Doctor's last ditch attempt to get laid mirrors Lame Shit. It exacerbates everything I hate about Season 22... so it worked for me!" - Michael Grade (1998)

"I don't get it! The Doctor and Peri note how incredibly warm it is inside the Ice Cream Vendor base, but still assume if they can get the Martians a good 20 feet away from the ice shelf, they'll die! I just find this to be a big mystery. It's just the nit-picky inner-climatologist in me... I dunno." - Charles Daniels (2000)

"This story makes it quite clear that alien warmongers are just in need of a good fuck. And so am I." - Nigel Verkoff (2001)

Psychotic Nostalgia -
"Man! This story was fantastic! I mean, if it weren't for Messing With Magnus, I'd never have discovered the delights of hiding inside fridges, scaring passers-by. Of course, there was the time the door got stuck. Cryogenics my arse!"

Colin Baker Speaks!
"I was looking forward to having an adventure with the Ice Cream Vendors at the polar ice cap, so when I heard we were doing Messing With Magnus, I was delighted. I was beside myself for excitement, waiting for all the blood-drenching violence to start, leaving only me, the Doctor, to tackle these lethal monsters with my wit, charm and somewhat dubious taste in peccadilloes. So, I waited while I chatted with Magnus in the TARDIS, had tea with a cross-dresser, wandered up and down a corridor and then... WOW! There it was! The moment when the Doctor meets the Ice Cream Vendor Commander and things – get – personal! OK, it looked like me shouting general terms of abuse at an overweight old man with a cereal box on his head, but... but... No, it WAS just me shouting general terms of abuse at an overweight old man with a cereal box on his head. Sigh."

Rumors & Facts -
Philip Martin's Season 22 script Vengeance on Vetnor had been an instant success since the twenty-year development the script had undergone. Immediately he asked to write a follow-up involving his slimy creation Sil, not realizing that Sil had been hijacked into becoming one of the regular characters in the show.

Upon learning this, Martin developed a story with no less than eighteen separate 'villainous' characters that could, conceivably, be selected for recurring companion status at any given time – there was the sex-obsessed Vion, who could conceivably follow Peri aboard the TARDIS; Auntie Jack, fleeing the destruction of hir homeworld; Slag, who would be the Ice Cream Vendors' representative in future deal with Sil; and, of course, Magnus himself, who was considered a far more popular character than the Sixth Doctor.

What the production team DIDN'T know was that Martin had cunningly copyrighted every character in the story, so if they DID decide to snatch another one of his ideas, they would have to pay him royalties for every appearance. Also, sick of rewriting his scripts, he handed in the first draft (entitled Planet of Storm Troopers) and had not altered it once, leaving Eric Saward to do all the work for him.

However, ironically, Saward's only action was to re-write the endings so that the Ice Cream Vendors actually won and slaughtered all the non-regular characters. Thus, the story was left with too many plot threads going nowhere for no purpose at no speed, weakly-written villains and victims that just don't die quick enough!

Production standards were pretty low as well – Ron Jones was all ready to start filming when it was discovered that only half of one Ice Cream Vendor costume had survived the infamous 'Wild Thing' video clip of The Monster of Paddington, forcing a drastic rewrite of several scenes involving a heard of Ice Cream Vendors rampaging through scenery with all the restraint of Gengis Khan after three shots of tequila, and several action sequences showing Magnussians running for cover, only for the 'cover' to suddenly unfurl to reveal even larger, more vicious Ice Cream Vendors that begin to systematically disembowel their victims. Indeed, only one Ice Cream Vendor is seen at any time, and that was from the neck upwards.

Starring as the amazingly froody character of Magnus was David Troughton, who was the son of Patrick Troughton and had already secured two previous roles in Doctor Who thanks to his compulsive name-dropping – as King Paddington in The Curse of Paddington and as a Time Lord in The Wank Games. By a curious set of coincidences too troubling to ignore, David Troughton not only shared a flat with Colin Baker during the 1970s, fought off Ice Cream Vendors in The Curse of Paddington and portrayed a very Magnus-ish Time Lord that the Doctor sucked up to in the Wank Games. Indeed, whenever Phillip Martin claims he created the character of Magnus, fans side instinctively with David Troughton's claim that he had been "at it for ages beforehand".

Alan Bennion played Vindaloo, the third of the Ice Cream Vendor Commanders he had played since wandering into the studio begging for food in 1969 (Slaar in The Spoons of Death, Igloo in The Curse of Paddington, Asexual in The Monster of Paddington). After this story, he was diagnosed with terminal lung failure after his Darth Vader impersonation got out of control during Peri's topless scenes.

David Jackson, and actor who'd previously appeared as Olag 'Cat Strangler' Gan in the first two series of Blake's 7, and found playing a repressed transvestite didn't stretch his acting muscles as much as he would have liked, though the underwear did chafe somewhat.

Ultimately, this story was seen as sexist, tired, cliched, cheap, corridor-bound, low on special effects, shoddily produced, dully-plotted, under-edited, out of steam and the best contender for The Worst Doctor Who Story EVER as voted by Doctor Who Magazine, narrowly losing out to The Twin Double-D Dilemma.

Naturally, Phillip Martin was instantly ordered to rewrite Messing with Magnus, amplify the gender-swapping characteristics and replace Magnus himself with, well, Brian Blessed. The third draft of the script, Kowtowing To Kiv, was ultimately used under the name of 'Sex Warp' as the alliterative nature to Martin's titles was REALLY starting to irritate John Satan-Turner.