Serial 7C/MC – 300
An Alternate Programme Guide by Ewen Campion-Clarke
An Extract From The EC Unauthorized Programme Guide O' 100 Of These Fucking Things And Still No Official Recognition From DWM!!
Serial 7C/MC – 300 -
300 1/4 – 100, 000, 000 AD
The TARDIS lands on Earth, a hundred million years after World War One Hundred was instigated by terrorists following an unhelpful phone banker conversation. By this time, much of humanity has mutated into fairies, elves and dwarves and, in the Doctor’s words, "the whole Narnia shit is happening" in those parts of the planet NOT radioactive wasteland of cannibalistic inbred mutants.
The Doctor is delighted to be experiencing the culture of the land of Montegar during the Celebration of 100, 000, 000 Years of Peace, but Evelyn keeps complaining that this damp is going to aggravate her arthritis. He’s disappointed by her reaction and reminds her, yet again, this is one of the birthplaces of civilization, but she says she was expecting to see magical wars and the overthrowing of Elf Kings rather than hot pie stalls and novelty T-shirt venders.
The Doctor angrily remonstrates with his senile companion for not having a detailed knowledge of the history of man’s true ancestors and points out that while Delia, Queen of the Fairies And Other Pro-Feminist Homosexuals, lives and rules, the evil mutants are forever confined to the dark lands of Scorch with nothing but their own evil and Country and Western Music to occupy them.
The Doctor explains that during the Celebration they’re at now, Delia will fall into a trance, leave the party unfashionably early, walk home and miraculously give birth to twins which will be named Avatar and Badwolf. Unsurprisingly, growing up with a name like Badwolf makes the boy insular, torturing small animals with his mutant wizard powers while Mummy’s boy Avatar gets all sorts of attention just because he can bring out beautiful visions in the eyes of the populace.
"No wonder the poor wretch tries to make this a planet where the mutants rule – at least they’re not a bunch of snobs!" the Doctor fumes. "Honestly, what sort of society dares judge a boy just because he was immaculately conceived as a hideous mutant with a preternatural hatred of all humanity?! And do any of these pampered, spoilt, 'oh so healthy and kind-hearted' True Humans do a damn thing about the poor mutants living in disease-ridden squalor in the scarred parts of the Earth? Do they bollocks! Bob Geldoff must be spinning in his grave... if only because of the novelty rotating coffin mechanism that was popular when he died."
The Doctor decides to go and give Delia a piece of his mind, and soon spots the Queen heading towards the outskirts of time to a Warlock Brothel. Evelyn dryly points out that this is one historical mystery solved – people who practice black magic are rarely reliable when it comes to contraception. The Doctor asks Evelyn how the hell she could possibly know that, then decides that the answer – whatever it is – would probably make him vomit, and changes the subject.
Nevertheless the Doctor thinks the "uppity butterfly-wannabe" Delia needs a stern talking to about her parental duties and stops her from entering the brothel by shouting, "THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU’RE DOING! You realize what an effect you have on people! Just depriving a child of a cuddle might make them become the Leader of the Scorch Mutants and using magical power and Nazi propaganda to attack Montegar! You refusing to get them a puppy for their birthday might lead to them sending robot assassins to kill the president! All because you think he might not take it out for walks on weekdays!!"
Delia bitch-slaps the Doctor and strides into the Brothel.
The outraged Doctor shouts very loudly that the Queen of the Fairies uses junkie prostitutes to get her buzzes, then he and Evelyn shrug and head back to the TARDIS. The Doctor muses that maybe she’ll be in a more receptive mood when she’s given birth to twin wizards and uses the TARDIS to jump forward in time to after the party.
The Doctor and Evelyn eagerly await Delia to stagger, trance-like, out of the party and, while they’re waiting, the Doctor patiently explains the situation to his senile companion over and over again.
Finally night falls and Delia is still on the dance floor, shaking her booty to the music and manifestly NOT gestating the Architects of the Age of Magic! Clearly they have somehow changed the course of history, since Delia met a different Warlock, never was magically impregnated and thus the entire course of human history and the Wizard Wars are cancelled out!
"This all YOUR fault you stupid woman!" the Doctor screams at Evelyn, who has dozed off during this expository hysteria.
The Doctor decides they have to find a way to reverse the damage and quickly. Evelyn points out that stopping the birth of a harbinger of a global war ending millennia of peace might be kind of nice. In fact, if Delia stays in charge, and automatically the world will get better and starts zealously chanting that this was all somehow 'meant' to happen!
The Time Lord listens patiently to Evelyn’s fevered rantings about the future with women in charge having no wars, no poverty and no size zero models, and then he takes off her glasses and pokes her violently in the eyes to knock some sense into her.
The return to the TARDIS and jump back several hours so they can steer Delia into the Brothel early and makes sure she has dangerous unprotected sex with some strange warlock with four horns growing out of his head or whatever like that. Unless they want the Web of Time unravel and destroy the entire world, they’ll have re-knit the timelines and NOT try and make the world a better place. Evelyn points out that the Doctor started this adventure with that ridiculous notion, and the Doctor hastily changes the subject entirely.
The Doctor and Evelyn leave the TARDIS and soon locate Delia and then offer to take her to the brothel with a bottle of wine and, on the
basis that music is the food of love, gives her a Hatichami Jog Person which plays 'Greensleeves'. Unfortunately Evelyn decides to join in with the music by humming along with a comb and tissue. The Doctor grins broadly and tells Evelyn that’s not really helping at the moment and if she wishes to live to see another day then she should shut the hell up immediately.
The Doctor takes Delia to the brothel and offers to prepare dinner for her and her sex toy, even though they have magic spells to do that sort of thing. Evelyn provides polite conversation, by telling them the urban legend of Typhoid Mary, ye Olde Typhoid-Infected Split-Personality Poisoner of London Town. The Doctor offers a starter of asparagus, slithers of truffle and strawberry desert and Evelyn notes she loves those foods, with their diarrheic properties that cause unpleasant smells, their similarity to swine reproductive hormones, and the fact they all grow in manure!
The Doctor apologizes to Delia and Mr Sacred Wang and then drags his companion forcefully from the house.
Outside, they are stunned when the Bastard arrives. He announces that he’s come from their own personal future with a message warning the Doctor to stop this course of action now. He says he comes from a time where the world is doomed, thanks to their meddling! The air is aflame, the seas have boiled dry and no creature can live on the Earth. For weeks he watched the death throes of Evelyn’s planet, and Badwolf becomes the dictator of the whole Milky Way using his Nazi propaganda film to instill efficient, single-minded hatred into his army of mutant killing machines!
The Doctor asks why wasn’t Badwolf simply shot repeatedly in the head by his brother Avatar, like he was in the old timeline. It seems in this new reality, Avatar didn’t trick Badwolf by asking for a wizard duel, but actually attempted the duel and was reduced to a small fertility symbol and powerless to move.
At this point Evelyn notes that they’ve arrived during the Celebration of 99, 999, 999 Years of Peace – one year before her mystical pregnancy, and therefore this attempt to fix thing has caused the wizards to be born early and put the entirety of time and space at risk! Delia didn’t have her baby at the end of the party because it was the wrong party and the so-called Law of Time got the date wrong!
"Oh, that’s just fucking magnificent!" shouts the Bastard as he drops out of existence.
The Doctor hastily throws Delia out of the window and points out that the sanctity of time was only ever in danger from Evelyn’s stupid attempts at social niceties. She starts to protest, so the Doctor chloroforms her unconscious and drags her out of the room.
"I guess that means you’re not staying then?" asks the Warlock prostitute hopefully.
300 2/4 – 100 Green Bottles Hanging on the Wall
Following their disturbing encounter with the Bilurian Toothpick and the shotgun-wielding Charles Darwin, the Doctor and Evelyn head out to visit a Delta Goodrem concert in time for her 10, 000th top-selling number one album "Thumbing Through Magazines", held on her 100th birthday in the year 2084.
Of course, the singer-songwriter-pianist-Logie-award-winning-actress has been producing pop ballads for the best part of a century, to the point some internet nerds currently NOT wired into computer-controlled war machines fighting the soviet menace are going round claiming Goodrem is just a label musicians used to hide behind when they didn’t want to be linked with something too 'adult and contemporary'.
The Doctor agrees that Goodrem’s music started to go off the boil when she started doing those 'P-Mat' infomercial jingles and her soundtrack to "Ocean’s Three Hundred And Fourteen" was depressingly predictable to say the least.
Delta Lea Goodrem steps on stage and thanks everyone for their warm reception. She reminds the audience that at the age of eighteen she was the highest-selling female recording artist with her song "Innocent Eyes" at number one for twenty-nine bloody weeks. And now, at the age of 100, she is performing party pieces in front of a bunch of commie-hating strangers with visible panty-lines.
Taking off her shoes to play the piano, she bitches that the secret of great art is knowing when to stop as you run out of things to sing about long before you run out of songs to sing. She can make pretty noise, but after a century she’s become mediocre with no point to her work. She sighs, plays a few notes of "Innocent Eyes", then shoots herself through the head with a gun.
Everyone is aghast... but Delta is perfectly all right, and announces she calls this "Russian Roulette", which is very avant-garde: not only for the whole suicide on stage business, but mentioning Russians during the fierce Nostalgia Wars of 2084 is hardcore political!
The Doctor and Evelyn follow Delta backstage to ask her, quite simply, how the HELL did she manage to blow her brains out in public and suddenly, instantly be healed within the blink of an eye?
Delta shrugs and puts it down to the same reason stabbing herself through the heart or hanging from a tree worked. She suspects she might have got some kind of curious infection of a strange piratical figure called Captain Jack during her tour of Wales that has left her immortal and indestructible. Since then, her inspiration has run dry and despite branching out into pottery, poetry and pastry making, but there was always some co-star from Neighbours who could do it better.
Just then a red-clad ninja arrives, drop-kicks Evelyn and drags her away, but in the struggle the ninja’s mask is removed to reveal... that the ninja is also Delta Lea Goodrem! And so is the tour manager! And Delta’s personal assistant!
The Doctor has heard about artists being self-obsessed but this is just messed up. The Deltas grimly explain that after 100 years she’s lost all friends and family, and even her music has been scraping the bottom of the barrel since 2030 when the Three Stooges attempted to become world dictators with super enemas and she finally took up Eurovision Song Contests.
It’s reached the point that the only person who gives a damn about her was herself, and so Delta used her time travelling-piano to summon up 800, 000 separate versions of Delta from the distant past to keep the real Delta company. Some of the Deltas are being forced to be sold off as pets to make ends meet – indeed, the entire audience for the concert bar the Doctor and Evelyn are Delta Goodrems!
The Doctor decides to pop back to 2003 and infect the 18-year-old Delta with the Phobon plague which everyone will assume is breast cancer, and utterly destroy her immortality since, in her own words, "Only the good die young and the mediocre stick around forever! Fans NEVER know when enough is enough! Nick Briggs in case of point! Talk about jumping the shark..."
The Doctor and Evelyn return to the TARDIS, noting that unfinished things always seem more impressive, despite the fact no one likes things that come to an abrupt end. However, on that logic, this story will get better if it ends incredibly abruptly!
Which it does!
In mid-sentence, like an episode of "The Sopranos"!
300 3/4 – Top 100 King’s Bedtime Stories!
Evelyn stands over a young boy in his bed and says there’s time for just one more story. She decides it’s time she told the boy about the Doctor...
During one of his frequent attempts to dump Evelyn in her customary time and place, the Doctor landed the TARDIS at a churchyard where Evelyn’s presence causes several of the mourners at a funeral to run off, clutching their heads and screaming. The Doctor deduces that those people were clearly former students of Evelyn and terrified of her – not only just how quickly she was able to down a pint of Guinness!
The Doctor decides, for a laugh, to leave Evelyn behind at the service but it seems the whole family has heard of the Smythe of Evil. So, they follow the fleeing relatives to the home so the Doctor can nick a few dog-eared sandwiches and flaky sausage rolls.
Arriving there, it seems that the family have prepared their own weapon – widowed Mary Williams who immediate makes a pre-emptive strike by continually complaining about the state of the world today. No subjects are spared her wrath, whether it be the NHS, bin collections or even Jamie Oliver and having pink custard for school dinners.
The Doctor blocks out Mary’s raging against the world’s injustices and stuffs most of the buffet into his mouth and screams loudly through the food until everyone is staring at him. But Mary is not outdone and fights back with a tirade about the new supermarket she’s discovered in Harrogate and about the lack of parking spaces in the area.
The Doctor then starts screaming that just because he travels with Evelyn, their relationship is strictly platonic. In fact, they hate each other. Even if he wasn’t gay her touch would revolt him. He then very loudly talks over Mary as he discusses the delightful tea rooms on Smithers Street which he has been barred from on fourteen separate occasions for illegal use of scones.
Mary then rants that her prospective daughter in law Talia is not good enough for her son Jacob and when she claims to be a fiancé, she’s a part-time shag and there’s no denying it. She then demands to know why her son would have any interest in a waitress whose parents run an organic farm, let alone breed with her!
The Doctor turns to Jacob and politely asks whether he could be allowed to stab his mother to death with a broken beer bottle. Jacob explains that Mary is going to die soon, which is why they haven’t all lynched her already.
Heading to the kitchen, Jacob explains that one of the curious traditions in his family is that every time a child is born the grandparents perish within the week, which has how it’s been for generations. So, with any luck the old bag will be dead by midnight – and it’s this knowledge which kept Jacob going when times were tough and why he knocked up the first girlfriend he could to be free of the nasty, whingeing bastards.
In the next room Mary screams that Talia is a dirty little trollop for daring to answer back after fourteen hours non-stop verbal abuse. She even accuses Talia’s "foul ovaries" of conspiring to murder Mary and her recently-deceased husband Frank via the "hideous offspring of Satan", when suddenly Mary chokes and falls still.
"At last," Talia sighs. "LET’S PARTY!!"
The Doctor and Jacob offer to throw the corpse into the bins but as they pick up the body the Time Lord realizes that Mary isn’t actually dead – she’s been frozen in time, between heartbeats, so she APPEARS to be dead! This deeply disappoints everyone, but Jacob realizes that his dead – who they DID like – was buried an hour ago and is probably in the same sort of stasis!
The Doctor cheerfully points out he’s only been in the coffin an hour and they can easily unearth him before the experience of what has happened to him destroys his soul forever. In fact, they’ve got enough time for a bit of cake before they go.
As they enjoy a cup of tea, Jacobs and the Doctor conclude that "some weird voodoo shit" is going on, since Jacobs ancestors are being deliberately put in stasis whenever a grandchild is born, freezing them in time but leaving them full aware of being put in coffins until their minds break...
"Apart from all the ones you cremated, though," the Doctor adds.
Evelyn gleefully laughs and notes that every time there is the wonderful news of a new baby, the grandparents are automatically sentenced to a living hell. Her eyes glow green as she giggles.
The Doctor agrees and notes that they are dealing something incredibly long lived who has a particular hatred for this one family and most likely wants to come here in person to witness the results of their actions personally and actually SEE the family suffer! And it would have to be something so utterly disgusting and decrepit that despite being close to the family for generations wouldn’t be noticed, presumably administering it via poison...
Jacob looks down at the cup of tea Evelyn has given to him, then screams hysterically and jumps back.
Evelyn laughs and mocks the Doctor for falling for her senile dementia act since he’s the oh-so-clever 900 year old Time Lord, before admitting actually it wasn’t MUCH of an act as she is only really sentient during her visits to the Williams to ruin their lives. She looks forward to putting Jacob in stasis when he grandson is born, the next chance she has for clear and rational thought.
Evelyn reveals she fell to Earth in 1695 and fell for a hunk called Tobias Williams and when she revealed she was alien he dumped her, burned her at the stake and went off with some local totty. Evelyn swore revenge and, basing her entire evil scheme on the story of "Sleeping Beauty" to inflict one hundred years of sleep for Tobias and all his sons and grandsons and their descendents who should have belonged to her!!
The Doctor points out that he’s an old hand at these sort of relationships and no matter how inventive the jilted lover’s black magic, it’s no fun at all unless you tell people about it.
But all in all, even HE thinks this is incredibly fucked up and so throws a cup of scalding tea in Evelyn’s face, knocks her unconscious and drags her off to the TARDIS. He promises to dump her on the Eye of Orion, buy a cure to the stasis drug, pop back and cure the family, but Jacobs’ thought things through and doesn’t want his parents back.
The Doctor understands entire and leaves to get rid of Evelyn once and for all – stuck on another planet she’ll never remember her true evil identity and be trapped forever as a senile, cake-making eccentric.
Evelyn brings the boy’s bedtime story to a conclusion, and explains she eventually escaped the Eye of Orion by catching a lift with Captain Jack Sparrow, and has come to put the real Jacob in stasis. They all thought they were being so clever and assumed she’d forgotten but laughs insanely.
"The Doctor isn’t here and there’s no one to help you. This time, there’ll be no happy ending!"
"Wrong on all counts," booms a gritty Northern voice behind her as a guy with big ears and a leather jacket shoots her with a tazer and then drags off her unconscious body. "This time, planet Memrox and if I remember rightly three times over, you get murdered by a bunch of giant baboons. No second chances, Evelyn. And fancy that, a happy ending in a Dave Lister story, eh? Fan-TAS-tic!"
300 4/4 – 100 Plays With The Doctor
Having defeated the Inquisitors of Shraam without hesitating, repetition or deviation, the Doctor and Evelyn return to the TARDIS as the Doctor brags that his one defining characteristic is that he’s better than everyone else - even from his other selves, and there aren’t many people who can say that – which is why he has been voted DWM Reader’s Most Popular Doctor nine years running.
"Of course, the new chaps always automatically get straight to the top of the totem poll as a matter of course, but do they stay they? A clue: no. I’ve stayed second-best since 1999, a lot better than others have managed... like a certain toothbrush-wielding maniac I could name."
Suddenly there is a curious screaming noise from outside the TARDIS and the Doctor’s request for Evelyn to put the kettle is drowned out. The screaming ends as a bald, unshaven man in a tuxedo smashes through the wall of the TARDIS console room, despite the fact the time machine is supposed to be an indestructible three-dimensional shadow. As the newcomer shakes off the dust and plaster wood, the Doctor and Evelyn take turns in shouting "WHAT?!?" in increasingly higher registers.
"Right! That is IT!" roars the newcomer. "I have had just about ENOUGH, thank you very much! RIGHT!"
"Nick... this IS a take..."
"There’s been far too much anti-Nicholas-Briggs propaganda around here of late, too much buzzing in my head, too many unsigned death threats!" the madman continues. "Surely it’s permissible for someone as powerful and talented as me to demand a little reverent hush from time to time?"
"You’re hardly powerful or talented," Evelyn points out.
"CONTRADICTIONS! ALWAYS CONTRADICTIONS AND COMPLAINTS! What do you think I am? A PUNCH BAG?! Big Finish Productions – MY company – is going to show me a bit of respect from now on! No more incessant whining of five of the most obnoxious, selfish and noisy so-called canonical Doctors I’ve ever had the ill-fortune to have to record audio plays for."
"Five?!" the Doctor complains. "There are only four of us..."
"THERE YOU GO AGAIN! OUT OF MY RECORDING STUDIO, MISTER, OR I’LL SET THE BOSUN ONTO YOU! From now on, no prissy little ‘let’s pretend the 80s went different and you lot all got decent material to work with’ delusions! No more ‘yeah, sure the TV movie deserves to be canon’ hysteria! The lot of you can sling your bloody hook!"
"Now, Nick, surely you can’t do that," the Doctor protests.
"OF COURSE I CAN DO IT! Have you no faith?!"
"We’re under contract!" Evelyn protests.
"Under contract?! How do YOU know?! How many of my contracts have you signed?! My company! MY company! Always has been! Always WILL be! You can’t go around assuming that just because Gay Russell cave a tinker’s cuss about your careers that you can clog up my studios and thinking you’ll be able to do whatever takes your fancy, go wherever the wind or whim takes you! It takes SKILL to run professional fan audios! To say nothing of symbiosis and a thorough comprehension of the complexities of inter-textuality, pot luck and watertight blackmail!"
The Doctor and Evelyn back away as Nicholas Briggs draws from his tuxedo pocket a toothbrush specially sharpened into a stiletto dagger and advances towards them.
"One of these days, you know, you’re going to be zapped off by some marauding little squirt with three heads, and your unthinking populist little fan base won’t have the slightest inkling what to do! They’ll be lost, Mr Baker, by heavens they’ll be lost in a sci fi phenomenon they don’t understand in a universe they won’t even be able to BEGIN to contemplate! Oh out of the lot of them – Davison, McCoy, whichever McGann we’re using this week, they’re all interchangeable – you’re the one that causes the greatest irritation!"
"Now, that’s hardly my fault, is it?" the Doctor protests.
"Fault? FAULT! We’ll see about FAULT! One hundred plays! MORE than one hundred plays! I’ve done the voices, the directing, the acting, the sound design, written it all and what do I get in return? Two stories where they portrayed me as some lunatic! Nothing else!"
"We didn’t have anything to do with that!" Evelyn agrees.
"NOTHING! IT PROVES NOTHING! When we reach the anniversary release, do I get to be the Doctor for once? Oh no, it’s the fat one in the stupid coat everyone hated until I came along and started this mess! I made you what you are today! All too much you see! It’s all a matter of stark simplicity! Too many Doctors spoil the broth! Time to reduce! Simply! YOU tell ME why I SHOULDN’T kill the lot of you!"
"How about taking it philosophically?"
"'Philosophically'? Nearly ten years of being a laughing stock, used by those Welsh imbeciles for the new series because I’m the only one with a ring modulator? My true abilities ignored longer than the internet has existed?! PHILOSOPHICAL?! You really don’t know me at ALL, do you! And you never will! TIME TO DIE!"
The Doctor and Evelyn scream and manage to run around the console, avoiding Nicholas Briggs, and into the depths of the TARDIS, which happen to resemble the corridors of Moat Studios. Nicholas Briggs runs after them shouting, "You know, for a dead man walking you’re remarkably fast!!"
The Doctor and Evelyn spot a door to a different studio and burst inside to be confronted by the Fifth Doctor, Peri and Eminem celebrating the inauguration of the Three-Bodied Lustresness of the Vyx as retail manager. The Doctor doesn’t like to speak ill of his earlier self but dear GOD is there anything in his life beyond sport and terrible clothing?
The Fifth Doctor retorts that at least he’s not an overweight color-blind psychopath, while the Sixth insists that popularity is not the be all and end all of what he’s about. "It’s more to do with being many different things at once and sometimes that means being unpopular. What’s ‘right’ is often the exact opposite of what the majority think it is. Like why I should ever have relinquished the role to that midget in the question marks..."
The Fifth Doctor isn’t interested in this empty characterization and points out that he and his pretty, younger companions are busy since one of the Three Bodies of the Lustresness wanted the executive parking space all for itself and had set up the party as a trap!
Then, Nicholas Briggs bursts into the studio, only for Eminem to grab a sword to confront the madman. "You’re next on my list to get rid of, Pharaoh Girl!" he shouts. "Next Fifth Doctor story, you’re gone! You’re a dead woman! You’re ALL dead women!"
Then he headbutts her unconscious and, leaving the Fifth Doctor to defend himself with a cricket bat, the Sixth Doctor and Evelyn flee the studio once more seeking shelter. The Sixth Doctor refuses to accept that he needs other people to help him survive this and instead prefers to think he wants lots of witnesses when he inevitably defeats Briggos the Destroyer!
The Doctor and Evelyn skitter down a stair well to a Green Room where the Seventh Doctor, Ace and Hex are held at gunpoint by a giant fanged banana who cackles insanely.
As there’s no point staying here Evelyn suggests leaving, but the Doctor is fascinated by his future self. He seems so sure of himself, even though he clearly hasn’t read the script once and will probably blow up the entire planet, murder anyone his companions have got to know and like while strutting around the place heavily implying he was responsible for the foundation of Time Lord society.
"Ahem!" the Seventh Doctor snaps. "I’m right here, you know!"
The distraction allows Ace to beat the banana to death with a baseball bat while Hex peers oddly at the Sixth Doctor and asks, "Ere, didn’t you kill my mother?"
The Sixth Doctor explains that Nick Briggs has finally gone bananas – so to speak – and is out to kill them all. The Seventh Doctor leans on his umbrella and mutters darkly that the nature of time will attend to itself, as he has foreseen this and laid innumerable traps.
"You haven’t a clue what you’re doing, you’re just making this up as you go along!" the Sixth Doctor explodes.
"True," his future self admits, "but I’m much more convincing when I pretend this all actually a grand master plan I set up after a game of poker with the higher forces of creation!"
"POKER!" the Sixth Doctor screams. "Of course!"
He runs out into the Green Room as Nick Briggs arrives, battered and bloody and messily eating an old stick of celery as he chants, "They said, 'We know who you are,' they said, 'And you are and we are and we are and they are and all are!' and I said, 'Yes, but I am canon!' I said 'Yes, but I am canon! But I AM canon!"
Inside the Green Room, they find two versions of the Eighth Doctor playing poker watched by their companions who are all wearing beautiful dresses and feathers in their hair – even the six-foot lizard.
"What the hell is going on here?" the Sixth Doctor demands.
"Oh no, not again," sighs one of the Eighth Doctors.
"Look, fatso, we are trying to concentrate here!" counters the other.
"You’ve crossed your own time stream! You’re putting the entire sanctity of the continuum in peril... JUST FOR A GAME OF POKER!"
"Strip Poker," the posh companion who isn’t a lizard points out.
"Vile Bodies has got nothing on you," the mainstream companion who isn’t a lizard either retorts in a Northern accent.
"Look," one of the Eighth Doctor notes as he sacrifices his frock coat. "These things can happen quite safely in the right circumstances. In this case, one of us is from Big Finish, the other from the BBC."
"Yeah, why have a super ability like that and not use it?" the other Eighth Doctor agrees. "The downside is even if I beat him, I’ll end up losing to myself sooner or later. But in the meantime, what could possibly go wrong?"
At that moment, Nick Briggs storms in, snapping Ace’s bloodstained baseball bat over his knee as he shrieks, "Happy days! HAPPY DAYS!"
The Eighth Doctors look at each other and unison say, "Now that was a COMPLETELY fucking stupid thing to say."
"Official Doctors everywhere!" Briggs laughs. "I can’t stand you RADA-trained thespians with your talent for appearing Napoleonic War fiction with poofters like Hornblower and Sharpe! I’m gonna send you all off to CS Forrester heaven! And here are some official Doctors now!"
The Doctors hurl the protesting C'Rizz at Briggs, buying time while the others escape. C’Rizz screams that this is just plain typical, leaving the six-foot armor plated compulsive strangler to protect the weak and fleshy mammals! As he beats up Nicholas Briggs, the executive producer screams through a mouthful of blood "Right, that’s it, YOU’RE fired as well! And so’s blondie as well! So many stupid companions everywhere... You’re all a disease and I’M THE CURE! ARGH! MY KIDNEYS!"
Passing Tom Baker sitting in a stairwell smoking a huge joint, the Sixth Doctor and Evelyn burst through a fly-paper-covered doorway marked "BENNY SUMMERFIELD MISADVENTURES", the Doctor claiming his illegitimate and terminally-insane half-brother Irving Braxiatel will be able to help them out of this mess.
Five minutes later they run back out again as the drunken Benny hugs onto Evelyn’s legs and makes sarcastic criticisms of her own alcoholism and relationship issues, and the Sixth Doctor growls the expression "condescending sensible untrustworthy bastard" over and over again.
Meanwhile, C’Rizz finally got bored of beating up Briggs, which allowed the lunatic to hurl the Eutermisan into a water cooler and drown him unconscious. Then, limping, Briggs passes Tom Baker, who wordlessly nods in the direction the others took, and hurries off.
"Ah, I used to be adored," Tom Baker sighs, and takes another drag.
Dumping Benny at the feet of Sarah Jane Smith, the Sixth Doctor and Evelyn flee deeper into the maze of identical corridors, to a dusty, cobweb-ridden area marked DOCTOR WHO UNSOILED. The Doctor dubs this a labyrinth of all the moments that might have been – or at least all the moments that writers bothered to explore for seventy minutes back in 2003. Surely there must be someone in this strange gap between realities that can help them?
They duck into a crumbling doorway and find the Brigadier wearing a Union Jack waistcoat and a strange grey-haired man in ill-fitting curry-stained trousers, leather jacket and a WILL WORK FOR SEX T-shirt retreating from a rampaging BBV-standard Krynoid as it munches its way through a parallel universe United Nations.
After a lengthy chase sequence, it transpires this is an alternate Third Doctor who, due to an administrative cock-up, was exiled to Earth in the year 1997 after all the alien invasions had come and gone, and the Brigadier had taken up his passion for Chinese decadence by opening a Little Britain theme pub in Hong Kong.
Even Evelyn realizes that this is a pointless course of action and, abandoning this Alternate Third Doctor and the Brigadier, run off, passing the Valeyard, Martin "YANA" Bannister, the First Doctor and Richard E Grant before they reach a gilt-framed door marked "UNIT"! Which is next to the heavy metal door marked "DUSTBIN EMPIRE", the art deco portal marked "GALLIFREY 90210", the disabled toilets marked "I, LAVROS" and the trapdoor marked "CYBERMAN"!
The door opens before they can even knock on it and a spiky-haired Scotsman in a long brown coat runs out, slams the door after him and sighs, "Jings, no one can take a joke nowadays! You’d think after all I’d done for them, releasing a zombie virus on England during a chain of terrorist attacks might get swept under the carpet but oh no suddenly you’re a traitor to king and country..."
Just then, the rabid and now foaming-at the mouth Nicholas Briggs lurches down to corridor towards them. "Selfish, selfish, selfish! That’s what you are! You people never seem to think that I have feelings, that I’ve lived a short and unfulfilling life, suffering humiliation and debasement, quite like Jesus Christ in some respects if he was more concerned with fan audios rather than the salvation of mankind. I was there right at the beginning! Without me, no Oddly Visuals! No Oddly Visuals, no Big Finish! No Big Finish, a hell of a lot of New RTD-Enhanced Who gone! And what do you do when you encounter a self-sacrificing fanboy to me, huh? You push me to one side, look at me and say 'Do the voices, you gimp!'"
"Sometimes, it’s just 'prat'," the Tenth Doctor insists.
"I was the Doctor before any of you!" Nick Briggs shouts. "1984! I took over from the one actor worse than Peter Davison, so that makes ME the Sixth Doctor! Not you, ragamuffin! ME! The last 100 plays have been nothing more than oppression and tyranny of my genius and acting abilities! No more 'possible Doctor', no more 'Unsoiled Doctor', no more 'fan-series Doctor', no more 'Wanderer', no more 'Weirdo', no more 'Stranger', no more 'Official BBC TV Series'! I AM THE ONE AND ONLY DOCTOR! PREPARE TO DIE, YOU FILTHY SCUM!"
Nick Briggs draws his deadly toothbrush and charges towards the Tenth Doctor as the Sixth Doctor and Evelyn vainly try to hide behind him.
"THIS ONE’S FOR THE KIPPER!" Briggs screams.
A gunshot rings out and Briggs crumples forward, falling to the floor, arms spread wide, a big fat X on the dusty floor. Standing behind him, with a smoking bazookoid blaster is Nigel Verkoff.
"This is just getting retarded," he sighs. "I tell you, it’s only the chance of sex with India Fisher that keeps me in this stupid country."
The Tenth Doctor admits he didn’t see that coming and, every now and then, Big Finish is still able to NOT be utterly and contemptible unimaginative and predictable.
The Sixth Doctor and Evelyn make their way back to the TARDIS and take off for their next destination, while the Tenth returns to Cardiff to film an incredibly pornographic snuff movie with Kylie Minogue, a midget, and a bunch of bondage freaks in golden body paint entitled "The Michaelmas Cruise".
For a while, nothing happens.
Then Briggs’ eyes snap open and he says, "For a dead man, I feel remarkably well," in a moment which will only make sense to the poor unfortunates ever to have listened to the Oddly Visual, "The Time Cabbages". And even then seem rather camp and self-aware.
Book(s)/Other Related –
Big Finish: 100 Not Out
The 100 Doctors (Remedial Maths Editions)
Doctor Who Versus The Most Beautiful Girl In Australia
"There’s No Justyce In The Universe" – Nick Briggs’ Autobiography of his post-Big-Finish career
Unbelievably, Evelyn acts completely out of character in episode one at times even seeming to possess a short term memory. Unbelievable!
Curiously, the Doctor and Evelyn cheerfully discuss the events of the second episode when they’re in the first episode and the events being discussed haven’t happened yet because it was in the second episode and they were in the first and thus... well, it’s a mistake. Basically.
During her speech about how time has destroyed her creativity, Delta Goodrem refers to her previous works "Sitcom", "The Unholy Error" and "I, Dustbin" as reasons why she should have quit while she was ahead rather can returning to Big Finish over and over again.
The Sixth Doctor claims he’s never had a non-humanoid companion before C’Rizz... despite the fact this incarnation alone traveled with a cat-shaped android, a giant penguin and a furry alien called Zog! Not to mention all the robot dogs, junior Cyberleaders, fish girls and Ice Warriors the Doctor has traveled with! Is the Doctor just lying to make C’Rizz feel more of an outcast than he already does?
The final episode is in, fact, thirty minutes and forty-seven seconds of outtakes that just happen to form a coherent narrative.
This double-CD was announced as a "sedentary omphaloskeptic release".
Links and References -
The Sixth Doctor’s completely-understandable-and-psychologically-speaking-quite-healthy interest in Delta Goodrem was first revealed in "Mud Ride", to which one episode is a sequel.
The Doctor noting "I love grave-robbing!" to Jacob is a reference to "Medicinal Porpoises" where he got Burke and Hare’s autographs.
Evelyn’s fates in "Thicker Than Two Short Planks" and "The Tarrants of Time" are referred to in episode three, and this retcon allows them both to make complete and utter sense. So there.
Untelevised Misadventures -
The Two Eighth Doctors story in the Wild West is NOT a reference to the unmade story "Edmund’s Hand". Just an incredibly freaky coincidence.
Groovy DVD Extras -
Illegal downloaded mp3 albums of the first 99 Big Finish releases!
Dialogue Disasters -
Evelyn: You’re going to have to put time back on course, Johnny.
6th Doctor: You expect me to make an active change to history to make it into the history we know? Who you think I am?! Dirk Gently?!
Talia: The baby.. it isn't yours!
Talia: Remember that guy in college, the guy you really didn't like?
Jacob: Oh yeah! THAT GUY! I can't deal with this! I can't cope! I want to kill myself! I know! I will drink that draught that completely paralyses me but still keeps me fully conscious to the world around me! That will help my anxiety problems!
Talia: You’re always so damn practical!
7th Doctor: Time changes. My life changes too. Things I gather fall away. Like companions. Nothing stays for long. Except that nutter with the toothbrush...
Evelyn: If women were in charge they'd be no poverty or wars or violence!
6th Doctor: Oh, tell that to Indira Ghandi, Margaret Thatcher, Elizabeth I, Boudica, Benezir Bhutto, Golda Meir, Servalan! Warrior Queens the lot of them with those under their rule living in poverty! Self-justifying extremist feminist propaganda without one foot in reality! Only humans could be stupid enough to think a society ruled by people with vaginas would automatically be a better one! A repeated meme of anti-patriarchal structure might prevent some problems, but would be bound to cause others! Great Rassilon, what sort of historian are you?
Evelyn: Historian? I’m not a historian. Am I? Who are you again, Johnny? Where’s my false teeth, by gum!
6th Doctor: For a historian, even a historian with senile dementia, your ignorance sometimes astounds me!
Dialogue Triumphs -
Evelyn: Why do we never see any further into your future? Your ninth or tenth selves for instance?
6th Doctor: They can't get the rights
6th Doctor: I mean, of course, my future selves do not have the rights to pass through this segment of the galaxy, it becomes restricted after the Monoveristic Conference on Alexiad VII in about a century. Phew! That sounded TOTALLY convincing, didn’t it?
Benny: So you’re the Bastard? Bit of a subjective term, isn’t it?
Bastard: I beg your pardon?
Benny: Is it something to do with tennis?
Bastard: I am the Bastard of all the cosmos, an illegitimacy that will tear down all the rules of all life itself and make me Emperor of the resulting chaos, fire and DEATH!
Benny: Yes, I thought it was something like that. Pity, I could do with some advice on my backhand. Do you play at all, I mean, even as an amateur?
Bastard: ...you REALLY think you’re amusing, don’t you?
6th Doctor: Can you believe the audience think I’M the aggressive one?
Evelyn: Audience? What audience!
6th Doctor: Those that pay attention to my adventures.
Evelyn: Who? The Time Lords?
6th Doctor: No, no, there are people watching – or, most likely – listening to our exploits, often on subscriber-only CDs.
Evelyn: Are you hallucinating or something, Johnny?
6th Doctor: Oh, give it up, Maggie, there’s not much left of the fourth wall now Briggos the Destroyer has smashed his way through it!
Delta: Once you’ve heard one ambient concept album, you’ve heard them all. Mind you, if you’ve heard all the ambient concept albums, you’ve only heard only one. So, keep buying Big Finish, just to be on the safe side, and don’t make Doctor Who cry!
Benny: So you’re from 21st Century London? Er... "Cor, luv a duck, what a to-do, eh? What’s happenin’ in yer manor?"
Lucie: Finally. Someone who talks normal for a change.
Viewer Quotes -
"How many times do I, the even more discerning Doctor Who fan than other pond scum, have to say it to you empty-headed numbskulls? Benny Summerfield is NOT canon!! Thus this ENTIRE enterprise is complete crap and unworthy of the diamond logo, which it doesn’t have ANYWAY!!!"
- Gabriel Chase (2001)
"Pearls before swine! They’ve made the mistake of giving me one hundred plays to prove what utter rubbish they are! They’ll come crawling back to the SCADs like they always do. We were around in 1982, you know, that makes us the longest-running fan audios full stop! The fact we didn’t let anyone listen to them until 1990 is entirely irrelevant! NOTHING CAN PREVENT THE CATHARSIS OF SPURIOUS FANWANKERY!!"
- anonymous abusive email (2009)
"I'm calling this one poor for not being written by Stephen Baxter. Mind you, I ate some Baxter's soup whilst writing my episode. The first pumpkin's have turned up at Tescos, so I'll be making some soup tomorrow. Yum yum.... WHAT?!" - Rob Shearman (2008)
"I've never blown my own trumpet on before, but I wrote a story about the Sixth Doctor having four short adventures in which he does stuff exactly like this, and even my WIFE was screaming, 'You utter moron, you didn’t copyright that submission you sent in, did you?' as we listened to it with my daughter, who promptly disowned me and went out to get drunk and be felt up by bikers of dubious genetic makeup. Oh god, I feel so pathetic. This audio has completely and utterly ruined my life and everything in it! GIVE ME THE LIBERTY OF DEATH!"
- Irving Forbush (2008)
"If Zig-Zag-Gay-Ass had been just a double CD, I'd say it was better than this as an anniversary story. I will avoid listening to this again as one might avoid a swamp." - Dave Restal (2007)
"Big Finish has rejuvenated my love for the entire concept of Doctor Who. After forty years, free from the shackles of costume and CSO and studio lighting, Doctor Who has finally become what it was created to be: limitless and brave, the greatest of pioneers. But I’ll still take all the credit because it’s back on telly now with MY name on it. I’m off, and I’m talking all the vaguely interesting stuff from BF with me. Sayonara, suckers!" - Russell T Davies (August 2003)
Psychotic Nostalgia -
"As I was saying to Zorbax the Heretic Slayer when I bumped into him at Obsidian Blades of the Divine Spirits Commercial Retailer, Big Finish would never be more than a flash in the pan. Just a surprisingly long flash in a pan that stretches from here to Neptune. So, the ratio is pretty much the same. Near two hundred Doctor Who related releases within ten years? When the history of the entire universe is written in the blood of the Last Generation, Big Finish is hardly going to get a mention beyond the first six chapters. Get over yourselves, Big Finish, it stopped being funny when the whole Pokémon Wars of the 23rd century plot thread got spun off into its own series."
David Warner Speaks!
"Doctor Who has such a daunting history, which ironic when it’s all about time anyway – the present and the future. Mind you, so is Sapphire & Steel, now I come to think of it. It’s a wonderful idea, to be able to change the Doctor whenever. It means there are plenty of other actors out there in the same boat as me. We should get a support group going for people like us. Bald, bowtie-wearing, toothbrush-wielding maniacs need not apply."
Tom Baker Speaks!
"It was good seeing young David MacDonald again, or David Tennant as he calls himself for certain reasons involving Marrakech, gun running and a chicken full of meth amphetamines. Yes, David’s a very promising young actor, going a long way and just get that arse! Yes, a very firm bottom indeed. He’s done all the big parts – Hamlet, King Lear, Dixon of Dock Green. Ah. What will become of him? Of course Doctor Who is an institution. Like Bedlam. Still, I was a bit busy to put all my attention to this story, as I’ve got a prior engagement smuggling cognac to a Cornish island. The Z Cars won’t catch me this time. Haha."
Peter Davison Speaks!
"People at conventions ask which Big Finish story is my favorite. I never have any idea, but I often manage to hide it by returning to my roots as an actor and using bland indifference. Mostly they have to answer their own questions. It’s sad, really. This isn’t a major part of my life, I must admit. I don’t mean that in a horrible way, but I know what over-obsessing about the audios can lead to. Two words, second one: Briggs. Just say NO, boys and girls."
Colin Baker Speaks!
"How long’s it been going now? Eight years? I do enjoy doing these. The standard is pretty high, varying from the 'Slightly Above OK' to the 'Very Very Good Indeed'. Of course, we rarely reach the standard, but I don't recall having done a story that was below 'OK', but it’s a lot easier to blank out those painful memories when you’re churning them out. In fact, the majority of the ones I choose to remember are 'good' and above. I mean, I can’t even think of any 'OK' ones, they’re all 'good'. Maybe I should seek professional help for my memory. Or did I already say that? And there seems to be an endless supply of writers with imagination who can write for my Doctor. Pity none of them turned up for this special anthology, but swings and roundabouts..."
Sylvester McCoy Speaks!
"I’ve been with Big Finish since 1999. My brain is like a pudding. Unimaginable rice pudding. Last year, I think... or the year before... I said to them, 'Listen, I’d really quite like to plan it the schedule out better', and they beat me over the head with my umbrella and shouted, 'Your loyalty is to me! BUGGER ORF!' So now, I’m fleeing the country. I won’t be able to see the look on their faces, but I’ve been incapable of saying 'Well, fuck you and the horse you rode in on!' That’s why my life has been the way as it is. I believe in the philosophy of 'Yes, just TAKE ME!'. I’ve always said 'Yes, just TAKE ME!'. I can’t say 'Well, fuck you and the horse you rode in on!'. Good job I wasn’t born a girl."
Paul McGann Speaks!
"I think my voice would be a good voice for satellite navigation! God yeah! Definitely! I’ve got John Cleese on my sat nav, it’s really unnerving. Of course, if you crash, I don’t know if I’ve got the most mollifying voice. Big Finish? Oh, terribly sorry, I thought you were someone normal. Seriously, just between you and me, do you actually ENJOY listening to those things? No? Good lad. Hope for you yet."
"Don’t you lot get your hopes up, I was just passing. It’s a one off. Like the last two plays I did."
David Tennant Speaks!
"I’ve been asked to sign a couple of CD inserts and things like that, by REALLY weird fanboys. But thankfully most of them are just the usual oddballs who just watch the TV show. And you kind of think, wow, I’m part of a national institution now! It’s very exciting, because it’s something that I grew up with. I’ve done quite a lot of Big Finish now. It doesn’t get any less surreal. I think someone’s spiking the water supply. Is it another fan girl trying to abduct me? Tastes like date rape drugs... definitely a fan girl... here we go ag... uh."
Nicholas Courtney Speaks!
"Eye patches don’t feature prominently in any of my Big Finish audio adventures. In all other respects, it’s terrific what they’ve done. I was delighted when they got the license. The very next convention I was at, in America, I walked in and there were four women dressed as the Brigadier! Four women! With moustaches! And eye patches! I couldn’t believe it! I had to go to the toilet immediately! Are you happy now?!"
Rumors & Facts –
100 thrilling Doctor Who CDs. That’s over Four Proper Doctors with retarded and curiously coincidental appearances by Four Other Doctors! That’s over eight years of monthly releases! That’s over ten days of non-stop round-the-clock listening! That’s over $5500 Australian to pay for them at retail prices! That’s overrated in EVERY sense possible! You think at least ONE of them might have been written by me to massive critical acclaim!
During the 1980s, Nicholas Briggs used a complicated series of blackmail letters and emotional cruelty to rope in John Ainsworth, Jason Haigh-Ellory and Gay Russell to work on his own unlicensed Doctor Who audio plays, the aptly-named "Oddly Visuals". At the end of the decade, the chain gang finally realized Briggs had absolutely nothing on him, so they beat him up and went on with their lives.
Nevertheless, the shell-shocked survivors were left with an in-depth knowledge of the audio production trade and, following the aftermath of the 1996 TV Movie starring Paul McGann, were turfed out of the regular jobs they’d found in fandom as magazine editors and NA authors. They then discovered that, using an entirely new psychological warfare to create BBV – the Bill And Ben Video Company – that continued the OV tradition of breaking every copyright rule in the book.
BBV had the chutzpah to demand the BBC give them an official Doctor Who audio license, and the BBC decided they didn’t have to put up with this shit and, deciding that there was never going to be a new TV series of Doctor Who, gave the rights to Big Finish instead, out of sheer spite so they could see the expression on Briggs’ face.
Briggs torched the BBV production office out of a mixture of insane rage and desire for the insurance money, and offered his services to Producer Gay Russell. Russell accepted so he could force Briggs into the drudgery Russell himself had suffered in the eighties. The audios started off as bi-monthly tapes, then bi-monthly CDs, then monthly CDs, along with the spin off ranges of "Sarah Jane Smith", "Dustbin Umpire, I", "Lavros", "Cybermen", "Gallifrey 90210", "Doctor Who Unsoiled", "UNIT", as well as countless OV remakes.
And if you want more detail than that you can read the rest of this bloody website! Do I have to do EVERYTHING! Wikipedia exists for a REASON, people!
Originally, Russell had noted science fiction author Stephen Baxter lined up to pen a special twenty-seven part story for the one hundredth Big Finish. Since Evelyn was the first audio companion and the Sixth Doctor was given a new popularity on audio (but much easier to deal with than Paul McGann), it was decided the story feature these two.
Baxter’s story was entitled "Earth Swarm", and saw the Doctor and Evelyn caught up in a global catastrophe in 1963. However, before the month was out, Baxter quit the entire enterprise without warning. Many attribute this to Baxter being offended when new Executive Producer Briggs demanding, as he did with every story, that the ending be changed to allow the incumbent Doctor to regenerate into Nicholas Briggs forever no returns.
In fact, Comrade Baxter was quite happy to do this, but discovered that Russell T Davies had penned a mockumentary about the return of Jesus Christ called "The Second Coming", with Christopher Eccleston playing a gritty, Northern Son of God who just happened to be exactly like the Ninth Doctor in every way, shape and form. However, Eccleston’s character was dubbed Steven Baxter, and the real Baxter was insulted. He wasn’t sure if he was being linked with gritty Northerners, suicidal messiahs or the Last of the Time Lords, but in any case he promptly sued and had no more to do with Big Finish.
Briggs, having been so close to achieving his apotheosis only to have the chance cruelly swept out from under him, felt his mind shatter like glass and spent the next thirteen hours pouring ginger pop into a half-pint glass and watching the pop overflow and spread across the table. It was this further mental instability that lead to him trying to hunt down and murder in cold blood all the other actors in the building.
Script Editor Alan Barnes quickly commissioned four replacement stories for Earth Swarm from Big Finish’s best-loved writers – Jacqueline Raynor (author of "The Maid Marion Conspiracy"), Robert Shearman ("The Unholy Error", "The Crime of Fright-Night", "Schizo" and "The Maltesa Penguin"), Dave Lister ("The Rupture", "Bastard", "The Ripoff", "The Sequel", "Terri’s Firmer") and Paul "Shagger" Carnall ("The Reservation of the Scourge", "Reasons to Care") to write Sixth Doctor and Evelyn stories reflecting the concept of the number 100.
Unfortunately, Barnes couldn’t be bothered choosing which story would be the anniversary story and instead decided to repeat the half-arsed experiment of the Fifth Doctor story Interesting Times and thus have four one-part stories which would be "quintessentially Big Finish", and therefore derivative, repetitive, aloof and rather smug. If THAT didn’t epitomize what they were supposed to be celebrating and evoke the inoffensively bland flavor of all that has been self-indulgently mediocre about Big Finish with the promise of more of the same to come THEN WHAT THE HELL WOULD?!?
This proves why planning decisions should not be carried out while under the influence of celebratory champagne.
It was decided that Raynor would pen a historical for the Doctor and Evelyn, which would reflect their first story together – "The Maid Marion Conspiracy" also by Raynor. Unfortunately, most of their first story together was heavily plagiarized from The Legend of Robin Hood and so Raynor assumed they wanted a similar stolen plot. Thus, she decided to set a historical in the FUTURE, this time ripped off the animated pornographic sword-and-sorcery flick War Wizards, which failed utterly as it was released on the same day as Star Wars: A New Hope and thus sank without trace.
Shearman meanwhile insisted he was a total newcomer to the world of Doctor Who and had little to no experience whatsoever in writing and thus was totally unsuitable and not correctly job motivated. In his words he was "nothing and nobody and all hail the big talking bird and oh cripes oh golly gosh". He later screamed that Big Finish were meddlesome fools playing with things they didn’t understand and Doctor Who should have ended with Tom Baker, not spawning this hellish empire of badly-maintained CDs. Following his submission of the plot (crudely stitched together from his previous proposals "Another Deathday for Harvey McCugh", "The Scottish Webcast" and "The Hazardous Proposal") he ran amuck with a chainsaw screaming he was the reincarnation of Mozart!
Lister penned his own 'emotionally mature' storyline as he threw darts at a poster of Keith Allan, challenging himself to write a script which wouldn’t immediately be mistaken for something stolen wholesale from Russell T Davies’ back catalogue or – to be completely accurate – something which Russell T Davies wouldn’t immediately steal for his back catalogue.
None of these three stories fitted the heavy-handed demands Briggs wanted as "quite magnificently shameless plugs for Big Finish Productions which, if on television would be legally obliged to put an 'Advertising Feature' message on screen at all times" but Barnes pointed out that any sad-acts buying the CDs would already know about the company and not need a celebratory commercial. Briggs decided to agree to differ and ensured that the CDs for the story were treated and, when played backwards could hear Briggs intoning the website address over and over again for thirty minutes and thirty four seconds.
Carnall’s finale to the anthology was originally to be "100 Things To Do With The Sixth Doctor", and featured the Seventh Doctor arriving in the TARDIS console room and shooting his past self through the head repeatedly while bouncing up and down screaming, "I AM TIME’S CHAMPION AND GUILT IS A LUXURY I HAVE NO ROOM FOR!!"
For half an hour.
This cameo by the Seventh Doctor was mainly chosen so Carnall could spit in the face of Briggs, who refused point blank the idea of a multi-Doctor celebration as he considered them a poisoned chalice – everyone hopes for one, but had any of the dozen BF team ups ever actually worked out? The argument that they had multi-Doctors for the first and fiftieth releases was rudely ignored. Also, Briggs was determined to wean the public off the idea that there were any other past Doctors but him.
Ironically, when Briggs had his violent episode and chased Colin Baker with a hacksaw throughout the Big Finish studios, it resulted in the biggest multi-Doctor spin-off crossover sequence EVER, and was hailed by fans as so brilliant they wanted many, many more such stories. But without Nick Briggs because the joke was getting pretty old.
Although the last quarter of the release was only made available because someone left the mikes switched on, it also completely unmasked Briggs’ policy on what would happen to Big Finish over the next few releases – specifically the departure of anyone who annoyed him and repeatedly beat him up, including Paul McGann, India Fisher, Conrad Westmaas, Caroline Morris, Sylvester McCoy, the ending of every spin off bar Dustbin Umpire. What’s more, Big Finish stories would now be available by download instead of on CD, since Briggs had discovered how sharp the bloody things could be after he fell into a pile of them and lost half his epidermis.
In the words of Briggs himself, via his Dustbin Emperor impersonation, "I AM IN CHARGE OF SIXTY-FIVE EPISODES OF DOCTOR WHO A YEAR! THEY WILL BE HIGH-QUALITY DRAMA WRITTEN BY THE BEST DOCTOR WHO WRITER AROUND, AND THE COUNTRY’S FINEST ACTOR: ME! I HAVEN’T HAD A HOLIDAY SINCE 1984! THAT’S HOW DAMN BASTARD HARD I AM! I WAS THERE AT THE BEGINNING"
This statement was immediately undermined when it became apparent that the 100th Big Finish release was dubbed "300" and not "100" as had been hoped for, due to a one-off typing error. Briggs’ reputation sank even further... mind you, calling the 100th release 100 still shows there’s something of the total creative burnout striking Big Finish anyway.
Finally, as a favor to Colin Baker after appearing in thirty-four audio stories without once breaking anyone’s legs, it was decided to replace the theme music for one story only with the charity single Baker released back in 1992:
"I’ll Have You Know I Was The Most Influential Doctor Ever!"
Who wore the brightest-coloured clothes? I did!
Who got up everybody’s nose? I did!
Who, between seasons, earned an 18 month rest?
Because he was best?
And, also, best-dressed?
Who had Dustbins and Cybermen? I did!
In one season, at either end? I did!
Who wore a cat badge on his lapel? I did!
Yes I did!
Though why, I couldn’t tell!
Who had a pal called Perpugilliam? I did!
Who appeared earlier as a villain? I did?
Who was the first to make the TARDIS change shape?
The TARDIS change shape!
Yeah, wasn’t that great?
Who ushered Nabil Shablin in? I did!
And Bonnie Langford, for my sins? I did!
Who had the "Save the Doctor" outrage? I did!
Yes I did!
And I played him on the stage!
Who made one story last all season? I did!
Who got the sack for no good reason? I did?
Who made one companion last the whole of his run?
Well... not the WHOLE of my run...
But I COULD have done!
Who had an audio renaissance? I did!
Who finally got a second chance? I did?
Who got into a webcast by the BBC?
Apart from the other three
It was only me, yes!
Who got the first audio companion? I did!
Who picked up penguins with gay abandon? I did!
Who got to appear with David for Children in Need?
Yes, I did indeed
Appear with that weed!
Who appeared in over thirty five of BF play? I did!
Who continually appeared convincingly gay? I did?
Who got to do the 100th release
In a breach of the peace
Phone the police!
Who defeated Briggs for the top part? I did!
Who had the nutter pegged from the start? I did?
Who never had to regenerate? I did!
Yes I did!
THE ONE YOU LOVE TO HATE!