Monday, September 21, 2009

5th Doctor - The Bride of Peladon/Mission of the Viyrans

Serial 6Q/M – The Bride of Paddington
An Alternate Programme Guide by Ewen Campion-Clarke
An Extract From The EC Unauthorized Programme Guide O' Legacies

Serial 6Q/M – The Bride of Paddington -

Continuing to search for a way to rid themselves of Eminem, the Doctor and Peri try to land in ever more lethally perilous situations. Their latest attempt is to land in a stricken space craft hemorrhaging fuel from the rear engine and now a burning inferno. The ship belongs to Ambassador Elixir of the Martian Ice Cream Vendors, who is incredibly pissed off that on his first day on the job his ship attacked, his pilot killed and his creamy nougat ice cream supplies are burning.

Even after their last and dangerous encounter with the Ice Cream Vendors, the Doctor and Peri are more than willing to chip in and help, and suggest that Eminem run into the flames on the off chance some of the engineering crew need saving. Unfortunately, Eminem is happy to let any such survivors burn, which spoils the plan somewhat. A moment later, a wall of fire erupts in front of them which would have instantly killed Eminem had she fallen for the ruse.

At that moment the chunk of Elixir’s ship that held the TARDIS explodes, trapping them all in the disintegrating ship as it plummets into the atmosphere of a backward redneck world which consists of forests, mountains and the occasional McDonalds and it is into the former that the whole bleeding thing crashes.

Amazingly enough, Eminem survives completely unscratched and skips away, leaving the others for dead as the ship blows up in an enormous explosion. Due to poor editing, we later discover Peri, Elixir and the Doctor survived and managed to sneak out through a side hatch in the nick of time.

The Doctor hears a strange howl come from deep within the forest and the Time Lord searches his incredibly unhelpful memory to see if he can place it. He’s only just managed to narrow it down to five billion possible suspects when he discovers it is just Eminem having a laugh scaring passing squirrels. However, Elixir and Peri got bored ages ago and wandered off on their own to look for civilization, so the Doctor and Eminem are along as a huge bear-like beast emerges from the fog between the trees...

The Doctor realizes where they are - this is the planet Paddington and the terrifying creature charging towards them is Paddington Bear!!!

Luckily, Eminem’s Egyptian bling is sparkly enough to distract the ravaging monster and the Doctor begins singing some cheap matel toys
Music and within seconds the terrifying beast calms down. The Doctor explains that Paddington Bear is a genetically-engineered living symbol of the once-proud English culture. In the distant future, the English are a tiny community living on Paddington, a dusty museum of British artifacts considered too dull to be dangerous by the true power of the universe: the American Galactic Technocratic Federation Of Pure Evil And Greed, an organizing whose mindless fascistic cruelty sound rather appealing to his ex-Pharaoh companion.

Just then, the Queen Mother of Paddington, a sour-faced old woman called Bulgaria, emerges from the forest and pretty much confirms what the Doctor said, proving he is not a pathological liar. She also reveals it is 150 years since the Doctor’s last visit to Paddington and has her personal bodyguard, the Rock, beat up the TARDIS travelers and drag them to the nearest convenient dungeon.

Elixir and Paddington arrive at the Citadel of Paddington, which happens to absolutely resemble the Houses of Parliament. It is ruled by King James Tiberius Blair, who has gone a bit loopy and is now convinced that the noise of wind in the drafty Citadel is the ghost of his dead mother, Queen Asparagus Glad Sufferer of Fools And Wicked At Strip Poker, telling him cryptic predictions of Paddington bathing in oceans of blood. The "ghost" also tells Blair he must avenge her death of the previous week, which was not a simple jelly related accident as everyone assumed at the time, but actually down to a non-Englander!

Blair notes that this hardly narrows it down, but promises to bring her murderer to brutal justice. Just as soon as he gets round to marrying Princess Panda Bear, ensuring Paddington’s place within the American Galactic Technocratic Federation Of Pure Evil And Greed while simultaneously getting his end away with a direct descendant of Jessica Alba and heir to the Alba Ice Cream Conglomerate!

American Ambassador Alpha Sintauri is startled when Elixir and Peri arrive, since Elixir is late for his first day of work for once in his over-pampered and spoilt life. Elixir starts ranting that his ship was shot down by Narcturan fighters, and Alpha Sintauri doesn’t seem surprised: Elixir blames absolutely everything including burnt toast on Narcturans, and this is nothing new. But when Peri mentions her friend is the Doctor, the hermaphrodite hexapod has a full-blown hysterical fit and rushes off to find some valium.

Elixir reveals he has been promoted to Ice Cream Vendor Ambassador after his identical twin brother Alexei vanished without trace beyond her last blog entry detailing that Queen Asparagus and her son Blair know about some dark secret at the heart of Paddington and that any minute the owner of the ghostly dark malignant voice will realize he an enemy, hunt him down and kill him!!

Peri and Elixir shake their head and wonder what the hell this could all mean and take out their frustrations by running out of the room and beating up passing guards. Suddenly Elixir draws a sword and threatens to kill Peri as she knows too much!

Peri points out she knows nothing, so, slightly deflated, Elixir realizes he’ll have to explain his evil plan in incredible detail to her before he can get an excuse to kill her. Thus, he reveals he intends to slaughter the Royal Family of Paddington in retribution for murdering his brother, which he will carry out with an Xtroid Vibrator – a marital aide of creating Doomsday Events! He also reveals that his ship WASN’T attacked but he deliberately damaged his ship for reasons which now seem somewhat spurious. In fact, he realizes he’s not a hundred per cent sure WHAT his evil plan is or how well it’s working, and decides not to kill Peri till he’s absolutely certain what the hell he’s actually doing in this plot thread.

At that moment, King Blair takes his bride-to-be Panda Bear on a tour of the Citadel and eventually they arrive in the Temple of Paddington Bear, revered by a church that Queen Asparagus dissolved for being 'a bunch of useless jerks who’d be the first one up against the wall when the revolution comes'. However, as he finishes his dissertation he discovers that Panda Bear found him so utterly dull she escaped through a secret passageway while he was standing around being boring.

At that moment Alpha Sintauri turns up babbling that the Doctor appears to have returned after all these years to screw absolutely everything up once again! The hexapod then snatches out a mobile phone, rings a Narcturan toll free number and mutters darkly into it in an incredibly suspicious manner, before acting like nothing had happened and ranting about ill omens.

At that moment, deep in the ice cream mines beneath the citadel, a centaur-like Vegan called Nexos is also on the phone in an incredibly suspicious manner to a Narcturan toll free number. His secret ally Narktos is displeased to discover ice cream refining has been delayed by a rather of accidents including mechanical failure, cave ins, ghost sightings and the occasional blood-drained corpse.

At this point Narktos reveals he is actually standing right in front of Vegan Nexos and is using an invisibility cloaking device so no one notices he is on the phone. Narktos intends to frighten the miners back to work with a new piece of ice cream mining equipment which will actually blow all the miners up. Vegan Nexos asks how killing all the miners is supposed to help, and Narktos replies it is beyond the comprehension of such puny bipeds as he!

The bomb blows up the miners and then Narktos repeatedly whips Vegan Nexos until he carries all the ice cream he can aboard the Narcturan‘s spaceship. Vegan Nexos insists he never signed a work contract about this and pulls out a gun. Narktos reveals he knew Vegan Nexos would try and double-cross him, but Vegan Nexos knew that Narktos knew that Vegan Nexos would try and double-cross him, but Narktos knew that Vegan Nexos knew that Narktos knew that would try and double-cross him, and so blows the Vegan into sloppy bits with his laser gun.

Just then, Narktos is also blown into sloppy bits with a laser gun – wielded by none other than ALPHA SINTAURI AND HER BIG FUCKING GUN! You see, she knew all about the evil Narktos and knew that Narktos knew that Vegan Nexos knew that Narktos knew that Vaegan Nexos knew... whatever. Our hermaphrodite alien has saved the day again!

Meanwhile, in a cell, Eminem notes the architecture of the Citadel is far more to her taste than Castle Dracula, and she intends to slaughter the owner and seize control of it for herself. Then, maybe, she’ll demolish it with fire bombs if she gets bored. She then kicks the door open and searches for the owner to become her man-bitch like so many puny males before him.

Eminem soon spots Blair and Blair never being the sharpest tortilla in the picnic assumes that Eminem is actually his beloved Panda Bear and takes her on a guided tour. Eminem decides that Blair, who is intelligent, handsome and who cares for the lives of others is just the sort of consort she likes to humiliate and degrade to the point of suicidal despair. Blair suddenly claims he can hear a ghostly voice inside his head demanding to be fed with fresh blood.

"Yeah, I get that too sometimes," Eminem agrees, and they head up to the battlements for some fresh air and target practice of unsuspecting passers-by in the courtyards below. Blair remarks on how he believes his mothe was murdered by an non-Englander... like Eminem!

He then tries to throttle her, but the ex-Pharaoh easily beats him to a bloody pulp and then, for a laugh, sodomizes him with a burning torch. She LIKES this kind of spunk in her men, and so dangles him over the battlements until he begs Eminem his new lord and master for mercy.

Meanwhile, the Doctor has head for the ice cream mines idly looking for something interesting to do and bumps into Peri and Elixir who have gone there for precisely the same reason. Moments later, Eminem arrives with the shell-shocked and bleeding Blair who sobs that he will never be able to sit down properly again. Then Alpha Sintauri arrives and the plot slows to a crawl as the traditional 'Doctor doesn’t look like Jon Pertwee any more' sequence takes place. Slowly.

Eminem notices some Egyptian graffiti on the walls of the mine and, despite the fact that the TARDIS automatically translates all languages telepathically, immediately assumes this is significant. It also curiously refers to the Female of Royal Blood With The Name Of A White Rapper Who Shall Fall And Usher In The Second Reign of Sicknote The Avenger. Eminem knows dark legends of Sicknote, the devourer of worlds, as she always held her in the highest regard as a childhood role model.

Peri argues that Sicknote is just a story or a myth, but the Doctor confirms that it’s true. Sicknote was a god, at least to the Egyptians, but is actually an Old Evil Bastard Dirty Wanking One, a ignoble race of alien super beings who ruled the Universe millions of years ago. Elixir briefly returns to the plot to note that Sicknote incredibly enough matches the description of dark malignant evil flagged up in previous episodes for melodramatic effect, and would also explain all the exsanguinated miner bodies around the place.

The Doctor is immensely pleased that the plot of the story is so neatly tied up before it strikes him that this means an unstoppable evil force is about to rise from the shadowy heart of Paddington and carve its name into the hearts of every living thing!

"Must be a Tuesday," the Doctor observes and then the entire cast sneak into a handy secret passage that leads to a store room with an upright coffin and four caponic jars to hold the viscera of dead queens and princesses - Queen Asparagus of Paddington, Panda Bear of Earth and Alexei of Mars!

Elixir realizes with horror his twin brother always WAS a bit too effeminate for his own good, but the ghostly voice now understands why its ld Evil Bastard Dirty Wanking One Blood Lock cannot be open – it requires THREE females of royal blood, and only two have been provided. The Doctor laughs and points out that Great Mother Bulgaria is nowhere near here and that Sicknote cannot escape.

Triumphantly, he orders Paddington Bear to destroy the coffin... only to discover that moment Paddington Bear becomes relevant to the plot, it is revealed that over the last 150 years, the bear had a complicated sex change and goes into labor. The Doctor shuffles awkwardly as the howling bear is rushed off to the nearest medieval maternity ward

The ghostly Sicknote points out that if they bothered to pay attention to the graffiti it was already quite adequately sign-posted that Eminem is the last princess needed and the irony is the Doctor is the one that made it all possible for Sicknote to destroy the created universe.

She then kills the Rock and Elixir with x-ray laser beams... because it’s all gotten a bit talky.

Eminem offers herself up to Sicknote, but even as the Old Evil Bastard Dirty Wanking One begins to drain her blood, the Pharaoh snorts some rat poison she keeps in her signet ring – contaminating her blood and thus leaving Sicknote trapped forever. The Doctor is amazed and touched at this incredibly intelligent moment of self sacrifice... before realizing it was entirely coincidental and Eminem has been snorting rat poison for years to get high.

However, when Eminem DOESN’T drop dead it becomes clear she has actually been getting high on bicarbonate soda. However, Sicknote is so utterly depressed she fell for that ruse she doesn’t notice Peri throwing Elixir’s Xtroid Vibrator into the storeroom and triggered an explosion that wipes out the last of the Old Evil Bastard Dirty Wanking Ones forever!

Later, Alpha Sintauri realizes that when the American Galactic Technocratic Federation Of Pure Evil And Greed find out that Elixir, Alexei and Panda Bear bought the bullet under her watch, she’ll be on the high jump. She then decides she’s had more than enough of this crappy English planet and plans to leave forever.

Alpha Sintauri offers the Doctor, Peri and Eminem a lift to his TARDIS which is suspended in orbit around Paddington. But as they turn to leave, Eminem announces that she’s not coming with them. She has decided to stay here on Paddington - she was born to be an insane and ruthless dictator and that is her purpose. Blair will be a puppet ruler and unwilling sex slave and from now on there will be a lot more explosions and lot less traditions around here!

The Doctor Peri solemnly say they think she’s doing the right thing and will both miss her deeply. They then run aboard Alpha Sintauri’s ship and jump with joy, waving their hands like they just don’t care as the ship rapidly takes off from the planet which is soon to be renamed "Eminem’s Empire of Ecstasy!"

Book(s)/Other Related –
Alpha Sintauri: Return of the Phallic Freak!
Doctor Who Kills Innocent Ice Cream Men
Doctor Who & The Exploding Murdering Adorable Paddington Bear
Paddington Bear - Descent Into Evil

Goofs –
The woman on the cover is supposed to be Eminem. Yes, they got a chubby middle-aged Caucasian woman in a frock to portray the ebony-skinned, shaved-headed scantily clad Pharaoh Femme Fatale of Death... morons...
In her very first story, Eminem notes she moves on from snorting rat poison to "the hard stuff" when she was seven. Yet here, she has been in the habit all here life!
The episodes have pre-credit sequences and none of them fully reprise their preceding episode cliffhangers. Some say that this makes the play feel even MORE special and extraordinary and remarkable. I say it makes the play directed by a drooling, sex-obsessed moron with his hands too busy to use an editing suite properly.
Apparently this doesn’t clash with the NA Legacy of Paddington by Gay Russell, despite all the best intentions of everyone concerned. I’d check this, but somehow reading of Benny shagging Martians and the Doctor having his head cut off in a bizarre haircutting incident don’t appeal to me, let alone the bits where Ace hunts down Kerry Packer’s talisman of doom. I’ll just assume it is fact and get on with my life.
The Doctor notes in episode two that he completely forgot about Eminem and asks who she is, yet his memory is not wiped until the next story.
According to the credits section, the theme arrangement is down to Vegan Nexos and the theme re-mastering is down as Peter Davison.

Fashion Victims –
Alpha Sintauri’s pink lycra body stocking with "HUG ME!" on the front.

Technobabble –
Sicknote is held imprisoned for all eternity by "Tribikwondophysical Dimensional Crook-Locks" soaked in "Tribikwondosillicate" residue.

Links and References -
There are vague references to several 1970s stories, but I doubt they’re anything important and/or relevant.

Untelevised Misadventures -
Alpha Sintauri notes the last time the Doctor set foot on Paddington he was "a smug short Scottish bastard with more question marks than the riddler" and asks if Peri is the Time Lord’s "drunken lout of a mistress claiming to be an archaeologist?"

Groovy DVD Extras -
The infamous "Paddington Bear sing Wild Thing" film clip from 1974. Be warned: no suitable for children or those amongst you with a nervous disposition or if the idea of Jon Pertwee doing the tango with Paddington Bear does strange things to your mind.

Dialogue Disasters -

Peri: Look at this one, Elixir! He’s only a kid. Barely a chance to experience much of life before fate or chance or misfortune or the gods reached out and took life from him. Plus, he’s got washboard abs.

Eminem: Sicknote devours worlds. A woman after my own heart.

Doctor: Ah Paddington. It’s had better nights, seen better days... Still, I visit Paddington every fifty of its years, that way I keep things nice and regular, like a man with a high-fibre diet.
Peri: This is no time for cliches!
Elixir: Yesss it isss. Thisss isss Paddington! There isss nothing BUT clichesssss on thisssss world!
Peri: I stand corrected.
Doctor: Well done, Peri. Impeccable reasoning.

Dialogue Triumphs -

Blair: Murderer! You killed my mother! I will kill you!
Eminem: Blair, what are you doing?
(Blair attacks Eminem, who kicks him in the bollocks and he collapses.)
Eminem: If you have tears, prepare to shed them now, blondie! Because I am Eminem, Scourge of the Nine Worlds, the Silver Assassin, the Death Merchant! Pleased to meet you, hope you guessed my name! I will bathe in your blood for the sheer hell of it! BEHOLD MY MAJESTY!!

Peri: Death, destruction, tragedy! Everywhere we go in the universe. Why do we never see the good things, Doctor?
Doctor: We do, Peri, we just don’t notice them because Eminem usually sets them on fire before we get out of the TARDIS.

Alpha Sintauri on Paddington Bear:
"He’s not a happy bunny, is he?"

The tear-jerking final scene -
Eminem: I’m staying here, on Paddington.
Peri: Hey, little sister, what have you done?
Eminem: I’ve never been so sure of anything in my life. I’ve loved travelling with you and Peri, Doctor. Seriously, I’m not shitting you. I’ve stepped onto other worlds, destroyed new and strange civilizations, given a right good bollocking where no one has been knee-capped before... but all the time I’ve just been evading my true destiny and hanging around total losers.
Doctor: I’ve been away for long, and I let you go for so long.
Eminem: I was born to rule and kick ass. That’s my purpose. When you let me into the TARDIS I stopped giving a shit about that.
Doctor: It IS a nice day to start again...
Eminem: I understand Paddington. It’s pretty much like the world I was brought up with. Except for the accents, the clothing, the architecture, the food, the booze, the culture, the language, the so-called morality, the society, the politics, the ancient traditions... Apart from those it might as well be Egypt! Plus, it’s a world with a weak ruler I can crush the spirit of in bed.
Peri: Hey, little sister, who’s your superman?
Eminem: Blair. He’s a good man, but he’s young and he wants to run before he can walk – he’s just a moving target. And I like that in my men. I think I can show him a good time and make him the puppet ruler of this stupid planet, as his dominatrix... and his wife! At gunpoint he proposed to me and I accepted. I’ve already violated him twice. That might even blossom into fondness.
Peri: Hey, little sister, shotgun!
Doctor: Come on, Peri. It IS a nice day for a white wedding...
Peri: Good point. Race to the ship, Doctor!
Doctor: I can still beat you!
(They run away. Long pause)
Eminem: Fine. Run off without saying goodbye. Like I care. I hope you both die from spectrox toxaemia from some badly cooked burgers, you useless sons of bitches...

Viewer Quotes -

"Eminem’s departure lacks the emotional resonance that Charley’s final story had. Hell, even C'Rizz got a better and more tragic departure. It may not be 'happy ever after' for her in the traditional scene as she plot the destruction of the entire civilized universe. But considering who that she is and how she was raised, her fate is entirely appropriate. It also means when she finally tires of King Blair she can try and break the Big N – IF SHE CAN!!" - Nigel Verkoff (2008)

"This story is exactly what would excite a four year old. Assuming the four year old was into 1970s cult TV nostalgia, Egyptian psychopaths, mass ritual sacrifice, mine disasters, and caped cock-shaped aliens with machine guns blowing up things while giggling like a school girl. So, yeah, it worked for me." - Theodore January (2013)

"The first Paddington story was an allegory about Britain joining the EU. The second Paddington story was an allegory about the LSD-induced murders that lead to the 1974 miner strike. Is the third Paddington story about the oncoming recession? No, it bloody is not! WHERE IS THE ALLEGORY? Is it over there in a box?" - Eric Praline (2008)

"And with hindsight, the Old Evil Bastard Dirty Wanking Ones is the race just HAD TO BE the protagonists in Eminem’s last story."
- The same guy who thinks the similarly-totally-random-and-pointless presence of Abbadon in Touchwood: Whoops, Apocalypse! is completely justified in retrospect (2008)

"We all knew it had to end this way. Anyone who thinks they could have written out Eminem WITHOUT drowning her in Pertwee era cliches is just talking out their asses. This is the truth! And it BURNS!"
- Charles Daniels (2008)

Psychotic Nostalgia -
"I actually have never listened to a single one of Eminem’s stories. I’ve just completely bullshitted my opinion and trusted to luck. Now you know my secret you must, MUST die! Is that an Xtroid Vibrator in my pocket or am I about to gut you like a Taiwanese fishmonger?!!? HUH?"

Peter Davison Speaks!
"The Ice Cream Vendors are in this one, performed by Nick Briggs as he tries to be every single Doctor Who character that ever existed... he still hasn’t got my job yet, and he never will. Those OV things aren’t canon! Mind you, the quality of these things haven’t gone QUITE as badly as I thought once baldy-toothbrush-wielder took over. We never got Jenny Agutter in the old regime. And yes, she performed nude. Would have felt odd otherwise. This was Eminem’s last story, which I found out when you point it out to me twenty-five seconds ago. As companions go, Eminem was slightly more aggressive, slightly more, you know, liable to stab people at random. She was a rip off of Leela, basically, except she had an Egyptian headdress and she used her bare hands. And that’s quite a nice idea actually. Pity we did nothing whatsoever with her character, eh?"

Caroline Morris Speaks!
"Eminem’s time had been drawing to a close for a while. Ever since she first appeared, now I come to think about it. The moment you’re born it’s a long, tedious journey towards the grave. Of course, I couldn’t be blown up or left to die or murder the Doctor in cold blood and steal his space time ship. That would be an even remotely logical end to the character. Oh no. Eminem gets to marry some guy she only just met. What a break with tradition. A clue: no fucking way! Better than nothing? No freaking way. I firmly believe that Eminem turns Paddington into a vast war machine determined to take absolute control of the multiverse or see it burn! It wasn’t the Dustbins who destroyed the Time Lords, it was Eminem! Picture her dainty boot driven into your throat for all eternity... it’ll save time in the long run. And as for what I’m going to do to Big Finish, well, I’M GONNA STUFF MY FACE WITH YOUR ENTRAILS UNTIL I FEEL SLIGHTLY QUEASY!"

Nicola Bryant Speaks!
"Thank GOD that’s all over!"

Rumors & Facts -

The first release from Big Finish in 2008 is doubtless to become a fan favorite – it may be crap, but fans love sequels and hate Eminem, so a story that ditches the mad Egyptian bitch while simultaneously ripping off the Paddington serials from the Jon Pertwee error (hah! See what I did there?) was always going to be a winner.

All told The Bride of Paddington wonderfully evokes the dark and claustrophobic atmosphere of the original 1970s serials whilst telling a very modern story in a very exciting way. There are shocks aplenty and, providing that you are able to indulge the writers’ shameless continuity jokes right at the death, there is little not to like here.

During the early 1990s, the gaggle of writers and actors that Nicholas Briggs blackmailed at gunpoint to help create his fan audio series the Oddly Visuals finally overthrew their cruel master. Distracting Briggs with Daniel O’Mahony’s sample script The LSD Totem, they escaped to disappear into the Virgin Publishing industry. Briggs was furious and his long awaited fifth season of audios was never released.

The fourth story of the season was entitled Legacy of Paddington and would have been a sequel to the Third Doctor’s TV stories The Curse of Paddington and The Monster of Paddington. This tale would feature the Doctor and his new personality-free companion Curries trying to stop the Novelty Hypno-Disc of Kerry Packer from ravaging the ancient English society of Paddington.

Briggs vomited blood when he discovered that Gay Russell sold the story to the New Adventures, effortlessly inserting the characters of the Seventh Doctor, Ace, Benny, the Third Doctor, Jo, Chancellor Goth, the big space station from Season 23, the Wind Chime Tribute Band from Diva Loka, Mavic Chin, and a bunch of extras from Dustiny of the Dustbins to the narrative.

When Briggs seized complete and total control everlasting over Big Finish he was repeatedly thwarted in his aims to remake Doctor Who in his own image and become the One True Doctor. Deciding to bide his time until he could renew everyone’s contracts and then fire them, he instead determined to continue remaking OV stories under Big Finish. But as complaints continue to circulate that the OVs were crap to start with, Briggs decided to finally make the fifth season.

However, to make Legacy of Paddington for audio he would need Gay Russell to come back from his Cardiff-based hovel. Briggs refused point blank to ask that parasite for help and instead decided to get soundman and occasional director Barnaby Edwards (who had portrayed the Eighth Doctor’s long-forgotten companion Serge the Seal in 2000) to pen a story that would, for every last seventy four and fourteen seconds of run time, contradict and render completely and utterly uncanonical that particular New Adventure.

Briggs also decided that this would be coupled with his desire to be avenged against the numerous humiliations he had suffered at the hands of Caroline Morris and finally sack her as he had promised five releases earlier. Morris took being fired with her usual professionalism by punching Briggs in the face with enough force to break every last one of his teeth, then slashed his car tires, set fire to his house and told the police that he was really Osama bin Laden in disguise. The police didn’t believe her, but they just needed an excuse to beat up Briggs and lock him up for 48 hours in a small dark room without any electricity.

Entitled Return to Paddington For Duty Free, Edwards wanted to continue the tradition of the stories to feature elements of feminism, political relevance, social commentary and have the completely gratuitous and pointless presence of Alpha Sintauri, Ice Cream Vendors, a pro-wrestler bodyguard and a court intrigue that barely interested a twelve year old with nothing better to do.

Originaly, the story began directly after The Monster of Paddington where Paddington and the American Galactic Technocratic Federation Of Pure Evil And Greed united forces to carpet bomb any planet in the galaxy that dared look at them in a funny way. In this version of the story, Bulgaria and Vegan Nexos are working together to turn Paddington into an independent world reaping the profit from the demand for their ice cream reserves. Panda Bear is one of the king’s concubines and there were completely unnecessary scenes where Peri was stripped naked and beaten with bamboo canes by Alpha Sintauri which had absolutely no relevance to the rest of the plot.

Briggs, having regained full use of his hands, decides to cut these strange alien bondage scenes and was left with just under one episode of material. Edwards was concerned that this made the plot too complex and wanted to streamline the plot by adding sequences of Eminem, Panda Bear and Peri having a threesome while Blair was handcuffed to a bed and violated with a Xtroid Vibrator by two leather clad Ice Cream Vendors. With these scenes added, the story was now over sixteen episodes long. With them removed, the story lasted fifteen minutes and involved the Doctor and Panda Bear discussing the songs of The Lion King and then shooting Eminem through the head, execution style.

Curiously enough, Briggs was still unhappy with Edwards’ work. Given that he had provided the hairless toothbrush fetishist with two RADICALLY different versions of the scripts, Edwards demanded he be paid and Briggs could write the rest himself. Soon after this, Edwards lost his grip on reality altogether and dribbled to himself from hours on end as he screamed things at random like "Growing wet enough to drip onto the rug already?", "Moan slightly!", "Stretch to accommodate my size!", "BAD Alpha Sintauri!", "Oh, Eminem, you saucy minx!"

Briggs desperately tried to write Eminem out of the resulting script and, at a loss of ideas, stopped trying to rip off the Paddington stories and instead ripped off the Tom Baker story, Pyramids of Cards. Originally it would be discovered that the entire planet of Paddington was one of Q-Tip’s card pyramids grown a crusty shell over the eons, thus Eminem would meet her fate at the most pathetic villain in Doctor Who history.

This plan went awry as Jenny "Brand Name for On Screen Nudity" Agutter was hired to be the ancient Egyptian god as per Edwards’ increasingly perverted requirements. Thus, Q-Tip was hastily rewritten to become Sicknote, a giant hippopotamus with delusions of universal conquest who would kill Eminem and then be beaten with death by Ice Cream Vendors wielding lengths of lethal garden hose.

On the day of recording however, Briggs was dragged out of the studio by Argos hired goons to sell Judoon Voice Changer microphones to gullible adolescents who wanted to sound as deep, manly and child-molestor-y as Dr. Claw from Inspector Gadget. By the time he managed to return to the Big Finish production studios, the story was over and Eminem had got a completely different and far less humiliating ending than Briggs had ever dreamed of. Worse, Edwards had been allowed free reign but thankfully his inter-species orgy scenes were not recorded because everyone was too busy to hit the red button.

Furious, Briggs immediately cancelled any further Doctor Who stories set between Mammaries of Fire and The Phantom of Androzani, so at least there would be no ‘missing’ adventures with Peri and Eminem. Instead he decided to focus more on the days of the Fifth Doctor and Nyssa, deciding entirely on whim it was time they gained a third companion and the Doctor grew a 1970s Saddam Hussein-style moustache...


Also included in the disc was a one-episode story entitled "Messing With the Viyrans" – written by Nicholas Briggs when he realized, YET AGAIN, that three 25 minute episodes couldn’t quite fill 100 minutes of run time according to the laws of human mathematics. Ergo, Briggs was able to completely write out Eminem and also create the final installment of his brand new story arc:

The Virus Strand!

The Virus Strand IV: "Messing With the Viyrans!"

The TARDIS brings the Doctor and Peri to the planet Gallbladder Social, a world of relaxation, recreational narcotics and the finest STD clinics in West Galaxy. The Doctor considers this the perfect place to unwind after their time with Eminem, and Peri accidentally swallows a fly and starts coughing and spluttering. As she complains to the Doctor about this, he start repeating her worlds, cries in agony and transforms into a perfect replica of Peri!
Horrified, Peri races off for help to the nearest party but as she enters everyone collapses to the floor. Her hopes this is a Rocky Horror theme night are dashed when the unconscious partygoers copy Peri’s words and magically transform into Peri clones!
The real Peri steals a car and tries to drive to safety, only to run over a passer-by called Laurence Miles when suddenly a whacking great Close Encounters of the Third Kind spaceship appears overhead and all the Peri clones are beamed aboard. Laurence Miles vows to make a sarcastic blog entry on this before he too transforms into a clone of Peri and is sucked away as well.
Peri is brought aboard the alien spaceship where the unseen aliens try to freak her out by talking to her in a perfect reproduction of her own voice – except with a convincing American accent. They are the Viyrans, the mysterious white space-suited creatures from beyond the beyond of beyond, at the dark endless age of eternal space – a life force with neither form nor substance on a nameless worlds. At an unknown point in elapsed time, the Viyrans launched the greatest war fleet ever assembled to kill, destroy, enslave and conquer with their incredible programmed virus of plot contrivance and death!!
The voice explains that, actually, the Viyrans aren’t half as interesting as that in real life. They are actually an intergalactic biohazard team tidying up all the viruses and biological agents engineered for every conceivable purpose that got scattered across the cosmos during a millennia-long traffic accident involving a Dustbin saucer that thought it had the right-of-way. The Viyrans now spend all their time curing people and containing viruses, mindwiping the locals in order to give them an incredibly cool, dark, ominous, black and foul aura of mystery.
What’s more, that fly Peri swallowed was actually a mutagenic compound, a virus that copies the host DNA and transforms every other living being in range into a perfect copy, when then drop dead. Peri wonders why in the name of god’s ass would anyone want to have a virus to do that beyond being mindlessly creepy, and the Viyrans admit that this is one of the SENSIBLE viruses they have to deal with.
The Viyrans have cured Peri and all the people of Gallbladder Social, and prepare to wipe her brain. Peri agrees, on the grounds they also remove the embarrassing and awkward memories of her former travelling companion Eminem from her mind, and that of the Doctor.
The Viyrans don’t have something more interesting to do, and agree. Nevertheless, Peri still dimly recalls the events of the last few stories, and the Viyrans try again. It takes another three hundred and thirty eight mindwipes but, at the end, all memory of Eminem is purged...
On Gallbladder Social, the Doctor and the partygoers recover from a really wild night with no memory of anything involving the night before, and suspect it was the punch. The Doctor heads back to the TARDIS and finds Peri aboard, and she too has amnesia about what happened the previous evening... and indeed everything since she and the Doctor said goodbye to Turlough on Sarn.
Scratching his head, the Doctor decides to never try strange punch again and points out instead of trying to remember what happened they focus on the whole Universe of time and space out there waiting for them. "I’ll show you what a real spin around the universe can do for you Peri!" he promises her as they take off. "We’ll go visit a very old friend of mine Sharaz Jek. I honestly can’t remember why I don’t go and see him more often."
As the police box fades away, the crackling, sparkling figure of Zig-Zag-Gay-Ass watches on, arms folded and shouting "Oh, that’s just typical, that is!" over and over again as history returns to its former course and our pristine DVDs of "The Phantom of Androzani" become completely canonical once more.

The End.

5th Doctor - The Mind's Eye

Serial 6Q/L – Mind The Eye
An Alternate Programme Guide by Ewen Campion-Clarke
An Extract From The EC Unauthorized Programme Guide O' Little Mayan Eye

Serial 6Q/L – Mind The Eye -

"This is a warning to all space farers. You must keep away from this planet. It’s hostile, repeat, hostile."

On the strength of a passing disaster beacon, the Doctor and Peri decide to pilot the TARDIS to the death trap in another attempt to get rid of their unwanted and unhinged fellow traveler, insane ex-pharoah Eminem. The time machine lands in a hostile jungle on the said unnamed planet and decide to "explore".

To lure Eminem into a false sense of security, the Doctor and Peri pretend to be interested in some purple flowers, waiting for the right moment to sprint back into the TARDIS and take off. However, half way through explaining this cunning plan to Peri, the Doctor completely forgets what he was saying. This isn’t particularly embarrassing, since Peri has also forgotten what’s going on.

The Doctor stumbles through some bushes and meets a butch, tanned bloke clearly trying to pretend to be Rambo and failing utterly to be convincing. The Time Lord points and laughs at the puny Caucasian in his baggy singlet and Rising Sun headband, so the Rambo-wannabe shoots the Doctor in the leg in annoyance. The Time Lord falls flat on his arse to be dragged away, while Peri and Eminem pass out in the foliage.

Ukarme grunts in some Stallone-style noises, then drags the now-unconscious Doctor back to his secret camouflaged base. Ukarme is an insane Stallone fan and has set up camp on the most hostile planet in the known cosmos to recreate Rambo films, and occasionally when no one is looking, "Predator I". However, he time-shares his underground bunker with Professor Darrius Hayton (who disturbingly is more likely to pass for a body-building action hero than Ukarme), and Major Tackle, his man-eating, career-obsessed black ops military woman (and also oddly enough resembles Stallone more than Ukarme).

Hayton and Tackle are mildly interested in Ukarme dragging home an unconscious cricketer who has been stupid enough to wander around in the jungle without a protective suit. Ukarme doesn’t wear a protective suit, but he’s REALLY stupid, and thus doesn’t merit their attention. Nevertheless, their bitching at how dumb Ukarme is that he would miss if he fired his gun into the air wakes the Doctor from his coma.

The Doctor has almost total amnesia and assumes that he has woken up in his sitcom-style home with his whacky flatmates. Hayton explains the Doctor’s memory has been wiped by the nasty plants in the big old jungle and he’s very lucky to have been rescued before he was left a complete mental vegetable. Like Ukarme.

The Doctor’s alien biology or some other feeble plot contrivance allow his memory to return slightly and he remembers Peri and Eminem have been left in the lethal Forests of Alzheimer’s, and Ukarme bravely runs back outside to try and rescue them despite having no idea what they look like, where they might be or even if they are still alive.

Tackle and Hayton make some cups of tea and wonder whether or not the Doctor is really some kind of alien spy faking amnesia, but when pressed neither of them can think of why ANY self-respecting alien would be sent to spy on their activities, which consist of trying to grow herbal narcotics in psychedelic-rainbow-wash colours. Unfortunately, all they’ve managed to create are some Methuselan poppies, Gavinci’s strangle weed (which is very nasty) and Kemsel moss in eye-searing dayglo orange.

The Doctor idly plays with the household pet, an oversized lemur called Jekyll after Steve Moffat’s six-part miniseries of blood-chilling terror and unconvincing contact lenses. He then finds some handy pamphlets warning people about the native Kryptonite Weeds which don’t just effect Superman but just about everyone – the weeds let out a knock-out gas, trigger LSD nightmares, drain the minds of their victims and use their bodies as compost.

"Wow," the Doctor muses, "that’s one seriously messed-up weed."

At this point, Ukarme walks in, having found the comatose Eminem and dragged her back to his base. It seems that Eminem is now caught in a deep dreamstate that it would risk brain damage to wake from suddenly. The Doctor wonders whether to wake Eminem up or just let her die, before concluding he has a rather perverted desire to see what goes on inside her Egyptian head of hers. Thus, he puts together some crap he has in his pockets to create a machine capable of accessing Eminem’s weed-induced fantasy land...

In her dream, Eminem is a blood-soaked warrior queen who has seized control of a 25th century Earth colony planet, renamed it New Cairo and ruled it like a megalomaniacal dictator ever since. However, Eminem finds a ruthless dictatorship dull and not enough carnage, so she orders her terrified subject to riot, revolt and rebel with as many civilian casualties and collateral damage as possible.

The latest in a long line of first ministers, Malarou, tries to appease Eminem while tell her that some twit named Kharto is organizing the rebels with the seditious intent of getting rid of their Pharaoh once and for all!

Eminem is confident that everyone is too shit-their-pants terrified to actually try and depose her, when her food taster dies horribly from poison in her bowl of chocolate-frosted sugar bombs. It seems Kharto has finally had enough of the cruel reign of Eminem the Ever-So-Slightly Psychotic, and Eminem has the chutzpah to be insulted.

She orders Malarou to bring Kharto to her so she can speak to him face to face and then remove his internal organs according to colour, size and general ickiness, and then demands another statue built in honor of her good friend the Doctor... so she can blow it up.

Watching this, the Doctor is disgusted. He never expected her to be so stupid! Doesn’t she note the contradictions? How can the colony be 25 years old and created by Eminem but not get any older? How did she get to conquer a 25th century colony without the TARDIS to dump her there? And why is the paranoid Pharaoh surrounding herself with aides and advisors when they’ll surely try to kill her?

Just then, he is proved right as a handmaiden named Anthea pulls a gun on Eminem and allows Kharto to give a long and tedious rant that basing a whole society around a tourist trap like Ancient Egypt is a complete waste of time and no one actually LIKES Eminem and they all think she’s a sad, lonely, criminally insane mass murdering sadistic maniac.

Eminem has both Kharto and Anthea flayed alive.

In reality, the Doctor is most annoyed. He was hoping this would be one of those meta-reality Freddy Kruger gigs where if you die in a dream, you die in real life. Since Eminem is unlikely to be killed in her dream, the Doctor will have to be the one to somehow turn himself into a tiny electronic person, enter the dream, and snap her irritating and dark-skinned neck.

Luckily, Hayton to has such a device to hand, an alpha-wave-dream-scanning-harmonizertron.

Snorting some of the weed for 'Dutch courage', the Doctor immediately slumps unconscious before he can start counting backwards from ten and, within seconds, descends into dreamland...

As rebels attack Eminem’s palace, she decides that it’s time for "no more Ms. Nice Fascist Dictator" and heads for her panic room, preparing to set off a string of thermonuclear warheads that will annihilate everyone else on New Cairo and leave her the sole survivor.

No sooner does she close the hatch while laughing evilly, Eminem is taken aback as the Doctor pops into existence in front of her, berating her subconscious for being ridiculously cliched. Eminem responds by repeatedly kicking him in the windpipe and accusing him of abandoning her on some pathetic colony where she has to ORDER her obviously-deficient inferiors to rebel against her to have any kind of fun!

The Doctor screams back that this is all in her diseased brain, the traditional VR episode that every sci-fi series attempts with rapidly diminishing returns. "Did you see that Stargate: Atlantis version? THERE is 50 minutes of my life I want back..."

Eminem asks why she would dream about rebels, dead food tasters and servants betraying her. The Doctor explains that her dream is being controlled by some purple flowers and, oddly enough, this completely convinces her to reject the illusion of New Cairo... a few seconds after she bombs it back to the stone age, just to be on the safe side.

The Doctor and Eminem wake up in reality – and the Time Lord starts swearing very loudly, as bringing Eminem back to life was in no way what he intended when he got up this morning.

Meanwhile, Ukarme has found Peri has fallen into the bunker’s ventilation shaft and is unwittingly suffocating them. Dragging her free they find some strange tentacle rape stuff is happening and all of Peri’s clothes have been ripped off, the better for the Kryptonite weeds to physically bond with her naked skin. She’s also comatose and hallucinating... if that detail interests you at this point.

Hayton suggests they just leer dirtily at Peri as she transforms into a large-breasted half-plant hybrid, refuses to let trivial emotional attachment stand in the way of Hentai fetish advancement!

Ukarme pulls out a gun and reveals that under his oiled and muscular exterior he is in fact an undercover cop of the Federation Drugs Administration. Eminem slams her fist into his sternum, so he falls over, and the plot continues to unfold.

The furious Doctor accuses Hayton of trying to cultivate Kryptonite Weeds as a replacement for all his failed narcotics, perhaps even as some kind of mind controlling drug or a telepathic booster. Hayton denies this vigorously... but, come to think of it, it’s actually a bloody good idea actually!

Tackle then headbutts Hayton unconscious, allowing the Doctor to study Peri’s dreams and finds out what his loveable airhead actually dreams about when the lights are turned off.

He is shocked to discover what appears to be an episode of the soap opera "Love MD", with Peri having found herself a gorgeous hunk of a boyfriend only to discover he has an antisocial borderline-schizophrenic brat called Kyle for a son who slams doors, swearing mightily and throws live lobsters at her. Peri’s attempts to be a strict disciplinarian go awry as, after forcing the adolescent bastard to go to school for once leads to him collapsing from kidney failure – caused by Peri’s appalling cooking and neglect.

As Kyle is rushed to a hospice for those with terminal bad-attitudes, Peri rushes home to tell her boyfriend she’s doom his son... and finds him having a three-way leather kinky bondage session with a sheep and Peri’s best friend Ally!

Reeling from this revelation, Peri runs out of the apartment into oncoming traffic and is run over by fourteen separate articulated lorries, tearing her into separate bloody pieces...

Watching this carnage of dreamlands, the Doctor concludes that Peri might just have some slightly low self-esteem. Thus, in order to cheer her up, he pumps her unconscious body full of laughing gas.

On the screen, they watch as – in true Republican style – the last few moments are completely forgotten. Peri actually stopped at the pavement before running out into the road and actually came to no harm. Her boyfriend then ran after her and explains that the orgy she just saw was a culmination of a "Chance in a Million" style build up of coincidences and accidents that made it LOOK like a sordid bestial incestual sex rampage. In fact, the boyfriend insteads to surprise her with a last minute Caribbean holiday and wedding.

As the boyfriend gets down on his knees and offers Peri an engagement ring, Kyle the bastard makes a miraculous recovery and announces that this near-death experience has made him completely reevaluate his life and lose his homicidal hatred for his potential stepmother. He even goes so far as to break down in tears sobbing, "I luv you, ma!"

At this point the Doctor materializes in the dreamscape, unable to cope with this godawful sentimentalized American soap opera bollocks and tells Peri to wake up to herself. However, at this point the laughing gas wears off and Peri’s crippling self-loathing strikes again... in the form of a petrol tanker crashing into the hospital, which collapses in flames and burns to death everyone Peri cares about and indeed everyone she ever so much as smiled at.

With nothing left, Peri puts all her faith in the hope the Doctor ISN’T lying and this is all a strange weed-induced hallucination. Instantly, she wakes from her coma and the plants drop away from her exposed and nubile young flesh!

The downer is that Hayton and Tackle have revealed themselves to be evil and corrupt drug pushers who have been secretly harvesting the Kryptonite weeds to put into their hidden space shuttle to use to unlock telepathic ability in humans, use as mind controlling drugs and also to appeal to tentacle rape fetishists.

Ukarme points out they foolishly revealed their plans in front of a FDA agent. Hayton and Tackle innocently ask, "What plans?" and our moronic action hero realizes he’s completely forgotten.

Tackle and Hayton laugh evilly and run to their space shuttle, and prepare to hurtle to freedom, Hayton confident that the flashing red light marked ENGINE PERFORMANCE FLUCTUATION is nothing important.

Two seconds later, the entire shuttle explodes in a massive fireball.

"Ooops," says Eminem in a sarcastic manner that suggests the insane ex-Pharaoh somehow managed to sabotage the alien technology of a space shuttle she had no idea even existed when no one was looking. Maybe she was just joking?

Just then, the Jekyll the lemur munches on some of the Kryptonite Weeds and starts foaming at the mouth before going inside like those evil plague gorillas in "Congo". Or "Contagium". Or was it "Twelve Monkeys?" Anyway, rabid lemur goes apeshit!

Thinking quickly, the Doctor and Peri run out of the room via the exit – a course of action so brilliant, Eminem follows suit. However, this is too complicated for Ukarme, who gets lost twice and ends out stumbling blindly through the jungle.

There, he meets the REAL Sylvester Stallone, and together they skip, hand-in-hand to Dr. Who’s super-duper silvery space rocket and join him to travel the galaxy as his amazingly brilliant crew of super human Adonises fighting terrorists and heavyweight boxers...

But, get this (actually you may want to brace yourself)...

IT WAS ALL A DREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And Ukarme was actually swallowed up by the Kryptonite Weeds two seconds after he left the bunker, and in reality the Doctor, Peri and Eminem escaped to safety in the TARDIS!

Aboard, the Doctor muses it was in his words "another Saward-style slaughterhouse" and all the non-regulars have died horribly. Thus, he suggests that maybe this horror might make Eminem want to quit the TARDIS and set up her own Colony of Death as she dreamt about?

Eminem reassures the Doctor she is quite happy tearing up the universe at his side and, smiling broadly, the Doctor dematerializes the TARDIS while swearing very, very loudly.

Book(s)/Other Related –
Doctor Who: Out of Sight? Out of Mind!
Them Plants Are Dangerous! (#598 - Special Dr. Who Issue!)
The Elvis/UFO/Big Finish Connection by Colin "Zonker" Brake

Goofs -
Um, why does Kyle – who despises Peri and everything she stands for – have posters of Big Finish covers of stories featuring Peri, a TARDIS-shaped bedside lamp and numerous centrefolds of Nicola Bryant?
And how in the name of God’s ARSE does Kyle have a poster of "The Bride of Paddington" on his wall when it hasn’t happened to Peri yet? This is HER disturbing self-hatred fantasy, remember?
Disc 2 does not function on my Sony mp3 player. The tracklisting cannot be found and it reuses to transfer via SonicStage! I’ve BUCKETS of CDs on my PC’s SonicStage but this is the only one I’ve ever had this problem with getting onto the mp3 player. WHAT A FUCKING LIBERTY!!
Eminem has been willing to impale people to death and remove people’s tongues for looking at her in a funny way... sets a bomb in the villain’s shuttle? That’s practically a big sloppy kiss from her! WHERE’S THE EMINEM-PATENT CARNAGE?!

Fashion Victims –
Eminem’s golden HR Gieger bikini as official Pharaoh of Death.

Technobabble –
"Quickly, we must reverse the polarity of the somnambulist flow!"

Links and References -
In her dreamscape, Peri remembers Eminem dying at the hands of the talking raptors in 'Two's Company' (Serial 6Q/G), but this tragically turns out to be wishful thinking.

Untelevised Misadventures -
The Doctor got his suspiciously convenient Goyana Dream Weaver Scanning Thingamajig from that disturbing dildo-filled fiasco with Harry Houdini, as mentioned numerous times in 1970s Doctor Who.

Groovy DVD Extras -
The mini episode "Messing with the Viyrans", one story too soon and thus spoiling the whole ending of the Eminem arc. Bleeding amateurs!

Dialogue Disasters -

Tackle: [over radio] Everything is prepared. Tackle out.
Hayton: What are you implying?!

Doctor: You don’t recognize me, do you?
Peri: I’m sorry, did we meet before?
Doctor: Peri, I know this will sound strange, but you have to believe me. You are dreaming this whole thing! The hospital, your boyfriend, your hideously spiteful son... none of it is real. It’s just like that Buffy story where she wakes up in a loony bin, or every other episode of Farscape! It’s like some bad soap opera concocted by your excuse for an imagination – why did I ever let you watch those Desperate Housewives DVDs?
Peri: Um. What KIND of a doctor are you?
Doctor: I’m not A doctor, I’m THE Doctor! Now, Peri, please, concentrate. Look at me. What do you see?
Peri: A chubby man with glasses and a nasty case of acne.
Doctor: What? Nicola!
Peri: Oh, sorry. I mean, a dashing young blonde man in Edwardian cricketing gear with a pleasant, open face.
Doctor: Better!

Doctor: Sometimes I wake up and I don’t know where I am and I don’t talk to anybody. Sometimes a day, sometimes a week.
Hayton: Wow. You really ARE stupid.

Dialogue Triumphs -

Eminem: Doctor, where is Ukarme?
Doctor: I couldn’t save him. He was too far gone when I found him. Covered in tendrils.
Eminem: You mean, he’s dead?
Peri: "Heroes never die. They just reload."
Eminem: Well, Ukarme wasn’t a hero, then. Because he’s definitely dead.

Peri: Kyle! You called me mom! LIFE SUDDENLY HAS MEANING!

Doctor: You know, Eminem, you dreamed of leaving the TARDIS. Does that mean you want to go home? At all?
Eminem: Who cares?
Peri: So you DON’T want to stop travelling with us?
Eminem: Perhaps.
Doctor: Is that 'perhaps you do want to leave' or 'perhaps you don’t'? Maybe our next destination will help you make up your mind.
Eminem: And where will that be? The universe is ours to desecrate, and destiny can go hang!
Peri: ...whoopee.

Viewer Quotes -

"Mind The Eye? Nope. Don’t remember anything about this one, but never mind! My record came out today...but to mixed reviews. Some believe I've created another toe-tapping great, but a few critics feel I've strayed too far from my grunting funk roots. Whatever the case, you can purchase my new long-player on vinyl or 8-track for only $19.95 + international shipping by calling 1-8000-BOOGIE-OR-DIE. Order today and get a free set of Verkoff’s Maracas!"
- Nigel Verkoff, "The Big N Performs Your Remix Favorites!" (2007)

"I notice that not a whole lot of people are reviewing this story. Could this be because a certain illegal download site has gone down?"
- Mr. Oh-So-Wonderful 'I Always Buy At Retail Prices No Matter What Even If I’ve Been Eaten By Wild Dogs' Goody-Two-Shoes Who Absolutely EVERYONE Hates His Guts (2007)

"No gratuitous role for Nick Briggs in this story? Is he ill?"
- Joan Crawford (2008)

"Mind The Eye was, in my opinion, not as good as Better Than Life. Or Back to Reality. Red Dwarf rocks!" - Terry Prachett (2009)

"An enjoyable romp which was a lot of fun, but like a evening snack it just keeps you ticking over and doesn’t quite satisfy you fully."
- The Unpublished Target Novel "Doctor Who and the Cooking Analogies"

Psychotic Nostalgia -
"CRITICS ARE THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO CAN’T HANDLE CRITICISM! But they conduct electricity surprisingly well, all things considered. You think they had copper wires through their veins. Before I actually violently insert copper wires through their actual veins, I mean."

Peter Davison Speaks!
"Now this story was unusual because the Doctor lost his memory, and we hadn’t really done that since my first story, Convex and Concave, where my Doctor went around thinking he was an insane cricketer called Angus McNugget. So, to portray a Time Lord who has lost his memories, those thoughts that make him what he is to day, was a real ask on my acting talents. I had to go right back to my roots as an actor and summon up this vacuity, this innocence, this sort of bland indifference to really get across that loss of self. Paul McGann does the same thing, except he doesn’t so much go back to his roots as an actor, he gets one of his brothers drunk and substitutes them for him in the recording booth."

Nicola Bryant Speaks!
"I have no sense of time, which is not much use as a time traveler. So it’s very lucky I’m not actually a time traveler, I just play one. Specifically, an American teenager. It’s like a therapeutic release. I would seriously have killed someone by now if I couldn’t pretend to be a whiny pampered American brat with low self esteem. Anyone who takes my parking place? Peri Brown saved your miserable life. Mind The Eye is a great story, it embodies a lot of the traditions of Doctor Who – hand over the script and run with the money before they finish reading it."

Caroline Morris Speaks!
"There’s quite a high body count in this story. A lot of people don’t make it. Because I kill them all. I’ve been doing these since 2001, so that’s six years. Wonder how many characters I’ve snuffed out in my time? There’s a geek on Outpost Gallifrey who can probably tell me. Before I slit his miserable throat ear from ear."

Rumors & Facts -

Many people assume that the author of Mind The Eye, Colin Brake, is the same Colin Brake who penned the earlier Fifth Doctor/Peri/Eminem story Two’s Company. This is a complete fabrication, as is the scandalous claims that it was ghost written by Colin Baker under a cunning and anagram-based pseudonym.

In actual fact, Colin "Zonker" Brake is a living legend in Yugoslavian trout-tickling, with many successful novels under his name including "How to Pick Up Chicks By Hypnosis", "How to Pick Up Chicks By Roofies", "How To Defend Yourself In Court On Charges Of Date-Rape" and "Women – Who The Hell Needs Them Anyway?".

After a failed attempt to start his own religion with himself as chief god-figure the Microwave Messiah, Brake became a chef. Exactly how his culinary talents lead to him being mistaken for the guy signed up as Andrew Cartmel’s replacement as script editor for Doctor Who’s twenty-seventh season has never been adequately explained in his non-fiction work "The Uncensored Lifestyle of C. Brake: Jelly Moulds I Have Known And Loved."

Following the confusion non-cancellation of Doctor Who, the two Brakes went their separate ways. "Zonker" Brake moved to California to embark on his lifelong quest to get a decent tan. While there, he enjoyed ending the lives of a college student, a surfer bum, vice-president of a minor Third World country before fleeing California under the label of "serial killer". Returning to England as a British Lord, Brake continued his association with Doctor Who in the form of some truly awful short stories like "Queen For A Minute", "Aliens And Predators Are People Too", and the incredibly crucial arc-story for the Eighth Doctor, Fitz and Anji – "Thin Thighs In Thirty Seconds."

For his first BF audio, "Zonker" Brake decided to use a 'wonderful' storyline he claims that he shelved in 1996 when FOX bought the rights to said plot in order to develop it into their next Doctor Who TV Movie – tragically, as it was all ready to print when it yanked off the slate. Nobody at Virgin Publishing is able to corroborate this story, explain "Zonker" Brake’s bizarre behavior, or reveal why the words "Bad Dog" suddenly began appearing everywhere at their office.

Entitled "Bimbos of the Stratosphere", the story revolved around the Sixth Doctor and Papa Smurf visiting St. Mary’s School for Wayward Girls, ruled by Sister Blood Nostril, using the school as a training ground for an army of impressionable Dustbins. The revelation that the lunatic PE teacher snogging all the older schoolgirls is, in fact, the Valeyard leads directly into the sequel novel, "Pretty Pink Dress of the Dustbins". This adventure took place between the television stories AN UNRULY CHILD and SURVIVAL, although if you try to pin it down to exactly where it fits, Brake will personally come round to your house, make fun of your clothes, and hurl live weasels at you.

Even Big Finish Producer Nicholas Briggs, certifiable madman that he is, could not wrap his frontal lobes around a story involving Dustbins in tutus spinning around a school playground screeching "I WANT MY DOLLY! I WANT MY DOLLY!" for thirty-five minutes not including cliffhanger reprises. Indeed, Briggs needed to recheck that he wasn’t hallucinating again, and had script editor Alan Barnes flogged. But that’s by the by.

Briggs was impressed at "Zonker" Brake’s ability to make people question their own reality, and decided to have a shotgun wedding between this story idea and his long-held (2 week) ambition to get rid of Caroline Morris and her character Fifth Doctor companion Eminem since they got in the way of his attempt to murder Colin Baker during Big Finish’s special one hundredth anniversary release.

The story "Zonker" Brake came up with was an outright theft of Alan Moore’s For The Superman Who Has Everything But Fashion Sense, wherein the man of steel is infected with a plant-like creature that causes him to experience a dream state where he has everything he ever wanted, including a life on a Krypton that didn't explode, a wonderful life with his parents, a wife, and a son. Just to make this steal really apparent to the audience, "Zonker" Brake named the evil plants that threatened the TARDIS crew Kryptonite Weeds.

The story was deliberately linear and forgettable once it was clear what was happening - which was about ten minutes in, so the audience would share the main character’s partial amnesia.

Briggs disliked the final twist, in which it was revealed the entire story happened to be a hallucination on the part of the Doctor, who had succumbed to the plants in the first scene. For a start, Briggs personally hoped the Doctor would have a more interesting fantasy, possibly involving cheerleaders, and also the entire thing was a rip off of Stephen Gallagher’s infamous unmade Fifth Doctor story Nightmare County where Tegan and Turlough drag the Doctor away from a land of make belief created by Vodyani Cheese Products. And Big Finish had ALREADY ripped off Nightmare County as the final episode of Interesting Times with the Fifth Doctor and Nyssa.

Annoyed at this interference with the creative process, "Zonker" Brake went about turning Mind The Eye in a complex collection of clichés, ensuring ANYONE can predict the entire plot from the back-cover blurb. Are Peri and Eminem trapped in some kind of dreamscape or virtual reality? Of course they are. Do we think the Doctor will be able to enter their dreams? Oh yes, he will. If he dies in these dreams will he die in real life? Blah blah blah. "Zonker" Brake then went as to far as to pen a whole extra episode to fit in tedious relationship drama which was a complete waste of time since we know that what is happening isn’t real and will therefore have no long-term consequences.

Ultimately, "Zonker" Brake decided that his first Big Finish audio would be his last... unless the pay gets a lot better, pronto. Since then, he has been deported and now devotes every waking hour to turning the Canadian Telephone Directory into a prize-winning Broadway musical.

He cannot be reached by phone.

5th Doctor - Son of the Dragon

Serial 6Q/K – Son of a Bitch
An Alternate Programme Guide by Ewen Campion-Clarke
An Extract From The EC Unauthorized Programme Guide O' Pophyria

Serial 6Q/K – Son of a Bitch -

The Doctor emerges from the TARDIS, followed by Peri and Eminem. They’re immediately horrified by their surroundings and Peri starts to gag from the smell. They find themselves in the remains of what was once a small village, but all the buildings have been devastated and virtually nothing has been left untouched. Someone has obviously had one HELL of a party which was so extreme, it destroyed the village! Worse, it seems all the party guests have got completely drunk and accidentally impaled themselves on spikes and been left to die!

"Hardcore," Eminem says admiringly.

The Doctor finds one impaled man still alive, but in incredible pain, and takes the man’s hand to comfort him and insists that he still deserves their compassion, despite the embarrassment of his companions who make puking noises. The man tells them their revelries were gate-crashed by a party animal known as Dracula!

The Doctor jumps to his feet and announces that Dracula’s infamous "Party Animal" era occurred in the latter half of the 15th century and they must be in Wallachia, the Romanian principality opposite Transylvania that never gets any of the same media attention thanks to "that Stoker git!" perpetuating negative reactionary stereotypes!

Suddenly they hear the sound of horses and then a group of soldiers charges towards them. The Doctor has no idea which side the soldiers are on - or indeed what side they should be on - so they must decide quickly whether to stand or run, but decides screaming hysterically and racing away as fast as he can, and promptly falls into a man-made pit trap in the middle of the road. The Doctor’s pride is to say the least dented, and his ankle is completely fucked.

The soldiers arrive seconds later and Eminem sighs and tells the leader of the soldiers that she is the former Pharoah of Egypt, dynastic ruler of an entire empire and you do NOT shit with her.

Impressed, the leader introduces himself as Radu The Handsome After You’ve Had One Too Many of the Sultan Mehmed the Merciless’ Turkish Army and offers them a trip back to his camp in the next village. The Turks are invading Romania and no poofy little undead parasite with a pretentious name and a habit of impaling peasants on his own side is gonna stop them!

As they ride off, Peri points out that every step is taking them further away from the TARDIS, but the Doctor insists there’s nothing to worry about. Eminem explains Peri’s concerns in more detail and the Doctor agrees that, since they’re stuck in a country ruled by Count Dracula in the company of the ENEMIES of Count Dracula, miles away from their transport, AND it’s starting to get dark, so maybe they should start panicking now.

The Doctor tries to calm down and notes that Dracula is just Prince Vlad Dracula III, or Vlad the Impaler to use his nickname in certain pornographic stage plays. Bram Stoker spoke a lot of bullshit that became vampire folklore – the theory that vampires can’t enter someone’s house without being granted permission, which is why they’re always so charming to begin with is in fact utter twaddle. In truth, Dracula was head of his high school debating team, and entering homes invited was the 15th century equivalent of ringing the doorbell and running away before the door was answered.

"Humor is so subjective," the Doctor sighs wistfully.

More crap Stoker came up with was that vampires are afraid of crucifixes – Dracula himself wore twelve of them as a kind of Dark Age bling to impress the girls! The portrayal by the Turks of Dracula being a being of pure evil is just propaganda as his own people think of him as a hero worthy of the full fist!

"So... he’s NOT a blood-drinking monster then?"

"Hmm? Oh, yes he is. Definitely a vampire - fangs fangs, bats, walking down the sides of castle walls, the whole kitten kadboodle. He’s also a violent and sadistic genocidal maniac, one of the most reviled serial killers in this galaxy’s history. But he IS brilliant at small talk, it’s a side of him history’s rather unfairly forgotten."

Peri is freaked out and the Doctor quickly changes topic by telling them there are evil shapes lurking in the gloom of the trees whispering "Join us!" over and over again and they’re coming for YOU, PERI!

Peri whimpers and wets herself. The Doctor grimaces and explains that he was just joking and she should really learn to relax. And more bladder control. Nauseated, he and Eminem ride off to the front, leaving Peri in her sticky horse saddle.

The next village where the army takes camp is as knackered as the previous one, what’s more all the water is poisoned, the crops are burned down and the livestock butchered. Eminem notes this is a respectfully ruthless way of surrendering land to the invading army, making sure they cannot use any territory they gain, but Radu admits it’s not a cunning military strategy, but that Dracula is just a violent alcoholic who doesn’t know when to stop.

Radu then decides to cut the crap and tells "Pharoah girl, her girlfriend and their celery-wearing jester" that there is no such thing as a free lunch, and if they want to enjoy food, water and horse rides, they’re going to have to repay the debt by becoming concubines for the Sultan, as he insists that the company of two beautiful women and a freak in cricketing gear will be just the thing to cure his syphilis.

The Doctor, disgusted at being dubbed a jester, decides they should all sneak past between fifty and sixty thousand armed soldiers using a Very Clever Plan Indeed, then avoid the hideous unknown horrors in the darkness, get into the TARDIS and sleep with the lights on from now on.

Peri and Eminem eagerly await the Very Clever Plan Indeed and are depressed – but not particularly surprised – that it amounts to "hope they all go to sleep and tip-toe outside".

This plan, unsurprisingly fails and no sooner are they out of the tent then they are caught by Radu himself. Thinking quickly, Eminem points at Radu and shouts, "OH MY GODS, IT’S DRACULA!" and immediately the soldiers attack Radu, just at the moment Dracula’s Genuine Army of Darkness And 24-Hour Party People strikes.

The Doctor and his companions realize that if they are caught by Dracula their bodies will be mutilated and defiled... and not in a GOOD way! We’re talking eye-gouging and stakes through the hearts of women and babies! NASTY! Surrounded by 70, 000 soldiers armed with scimitars who consider the TARDIS crew legitimate targets, Peri wets herself. Again. When burning arrows are fired at the camp, it proves to be a welcome distraction from the incontinent American.

The TARDIS crew scatter and Eminem takes the chance to start slaughtering Turks left right and centre. So sooner has she left a heap of corpses, then notes a pale man with long flowing hair, a Freddy Mercury moustache and a long flowing cloak is standing nearby.

Impressed by the courage and blood lust she’s shown, the man believes it deserves reward and offers to take her away with him. After checking that he IS Dracula, AKA Prince Vlad III, son of Vlad the Great and sovereign and ruler of Ungro-Wallachia and the duchies of Amlas and Fagaras, Eminem says she’s up for it no questions asked.

Peri meanwhile gets caught up in the wrong survivors from the battle and ends up with Dracula’s Genuine Army of Darkness And 24-Hour Party People where her VJ-narratorial skills and automatically bigging up of her fellows soon gets her incredibly popular amongst the Transylvanian soldiers of fortune and hedonistic decadence.

The Doctor is left with the remains of the Turkish Army as Radu struts through the battlefield cockily bragging about how Dracula the Prince of Lies and Pure Evil wept, cried and ran away like a baby-man and his army of undead killers fled. The Doctor himself is deeply relieved when he discovers that Eminem has been kidnapped by Dracula himself, but swears loudly when Peri goes missing. He needs her with him in the TARDIS to keep the anoraks happy! Thus, he’s stuck in the Dark Ages until he can get her back – sometimes life plain sucks.

Radu is confident that despite a night attack wiping out most of his forces, the Turks will still have the advantage. Dracula’s army will now celebrate with ANOTHER wild and debauched party and the noblemen of Wallachia won’t be invited – but they’re so desperate to be cool they won’t turn on Dracula over this social insult. Mind you, the fear of being slaughtered and having their blood drained does kind of play a part in their reluctance as well.

Either way, Dracula’s diminished forces will be too busy rocking around the clock to fight off a second attack. The Doctor suggests they just wait till everyone’s exhausted and hungover from partying and then use diplomacy rather than force to break them – he knows many a regime that surrendered simply in return for their drunken leaders being allowed to go back to sleep.

Just then they spot, over the hill, 20,000 bodies - men, women and children, Dracula’s prisoners of war who were marched a full thirty leagues then slaughtered them and left mounted here for the ravens - stretching in all directions as far as the eye can see. This is the Forest of the Impaled, a scene that will haunt the history books for generations.

More disturbingly, the bodies are expertly positioned so as to spell out the words "DRACULA SAYS: FUCK OFF".

Most of the Turkish Army see this scream hysterically and flee right away – including the Doctor – while Radu notes the animalistic post-modernism of this Dadaist installation, and how Dracula is using a psychological barrier rather than a physical one.

He then realizes he is now all alone and feels rather exposed.

Eminem meanwhile makes herself at home at Castle Dracula and starts picking fights with Miss Mina Harker the housekeeper, cook, cleaner and concubine for her undead master. Eminem claims Harker called her a "Turkish Tramp" and kicks her down the stairs.

Dracula finds Harker seemingly slacking off and strikes her viciously across the face and knocks her to the ground. Then he kicks her down another flight of stairs, just to make sure she doesn’t get pregnant again like last time.

Eminem angrily tells the vampire off for questioning her blood feud with total strangers – so Dracula strikes her across the face too. He tells her he’s only prepared to forgive so much, even for a face as pretty as hers. Eminem retorts that if he pushes her too far, he will share the fate of all who displease the Pharaoh.

Dracula petulantly points that HE is the undead indestructible demon from the pits of hell and if anyone is going to be swearing dark vengeance on those around them, it’ll be HIM! So Eminem kicks him in the bollocks, drags him into the bedroom and violently rapes him.

"Wow," Dracula says as he recovers consciousness. "Where have you been all my afterlife?!" he wonders as Eminem continues to smack him and scream the expression, 'Wot’s mah name, bitch?!' repeatedly.

As they cross over the bridge into Castle Dracula, Peri and the other survivors construct a flimsy plywood barricade of empty cardboard boxes to protect them from the Turks. Just them she sees a coach driven by a strange specter that hides its face, and moves at an unnatural speed. To her surprise, Peri catches a glimpse of Eminem inside the carriage, making out with the Dark Prince and starts calling out her name.

Inside the carriage, Eminem hears Peri calling and urges Dracula to speed up and, if possible, double back and run her over as they continue their tour of the town, just as the Doctor arrives at the gates and tries to smuggle his way in claiming to be selling home insurance at reduced rates. The gatekeeper becomes angry at the suggestion that his loyalty can be bought with low insurance premiums but nevertheless accepts in return for a complimentary novelty pen.

Once inside, the Doctor spots Peri trying to break into the Castle itself, only to be captured by rotting corpses somehow animated by pure evil – and WHO would expect that to happen in Castle Dracula?!

The zombies drag Peri to be impaled on an oiled stake and, showing again their pure evil, ignore the teenager’s demands for a lawyer. Sighing, the Doctor leaps over the wall and beheads all the zombies with his molenski univarious set on "scimitar".

Just then Eminem arrives, with Dracula in bondage gear crawling on all fours and on a leash. She announces that she’s hit jackpot in his backwater part of time and space, and declares to the non-speaking extras that from now own Dracula will be known as the Bitch of Eminem!

Eminem tells the Doctor and Peri to get out of her sight as, in return for all their quite-uncanonical-time together, she will give them an hour’s head start before she hunts them down and impales them. The Doctor retorts he never liked her anyway and doesn’t care if she’s altering history or taking her allotted place in it - the surviving written accounts of this time are few and unreliable and there‘s little they can be reasonably sure of, but there’s one single account that suggests Dracula might have been married to a psycho bitch heavily into sadio-masochistic bondage domination.

Insulted at this, Eminem plunges a knife into the Doctor’s chest, and he collapses to the ground grumbling something like, "Oh no, not AGAIN! Turlough was bad enough..." before going still. It starts to rain for reasons never adequately explored for my liking.

Leaving Peri screaming for help, Eminem heads upstairs and has dinner with Dracula, content to sip blood from cocktail glasses prepared by the faithful butler George. However, Eminem soon finds Dracula distant and despondent – probably because she hasn’t taken off his gag and spiked restraints.

In between scenes, the evil potentate known only as "the Big N" tries to invade Transylvania in the hope Dracula would be exhausted after the fight with the Turks, only for Eminem to break every bone in his body using her small toe. This 'Siege of Verkoff' is often discussed throughout the rest of the story to cover awkward silences, but is actually completely irrelevant. I only typed this up to prove I listened to the damn thing.

Meanwhile, Radu takes up motivational speaking and attends Alcoholics Anonymous where numerous victims of Dracula’s raves are recovering. There, Radu speaks with such passion and evangelical zeal all the recovering drunks agree to join his army and fight Dracula on the condition he SHUTS THE HELL UP!

Radu realizes that the Doctor was right, and by simply being incredibly chirpy and annoying, he can break Dracula’s hold over his troops and force them to defect.

The information that even the lowliest of his people, the ones for whom Dracula has spilled his blood and risked his non-existent soul, now whisper against him is gleefully relayed by Eminem as she chains Dracula to a wall and flicks burning matches onto his chest. She decides she’ll release a flock of winged monkeys to destroy Radu’s army and if that messes with the Web of Time, well who gives a shit.

Meanwhile, Peri is disturbed that rather than doing something sensible like bleeding to death, the Doctor instead takes to Edward Fitzgerald's translation of the Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam. They decide to leg it back to the TARDIS before Radu’s army storms Transylvania and Dracula gets staked through the heart and waits until the 19th century before turning up again – but this time, MUCH camper and capable of turning into various furry animals.

On the way, the Doctor cheers her up by telling her that the nearby river will be renamed Raul Doamnei – a rather twisted way of saying River Where Dracula’s Missus Trips And Drowns. So, either Eminem will take her own life or, more likely, Dracula will murder her, possibly due to forgetting the safety word in a kinky sex session.

They then bump into Radu The Handsome After You’ve Had One Too Many who very conveniently has the TARDIS strapped to his cart. The Doctor suggests Radu forget the whole holy war with vampires who, after all, just want to "chill out with the brothers".

Back at Castle Dracula, Eminem stares unblinkingly out the window and says that she is disturbed by how quiet everything is... almost TOO quiet. Dracula makes a muffled plea that he be released from the Scold’s Bridle Eminem built out of cutlery and forced him into, but she screams at him to shut up or she’ll violate him some MORE in this very dark, draughty tower room!

"And this time NO lubricant!" she vows.

At that moment she is nearly impaled by an arrow that flies through the window. Attached to the arrow is a note saying "PREPARE TO BE INVADED BY THE REBEL ARMY! NOT SO CONFIDENT NOW, ARE YOU?" and signed, "HAPPY TIMES AND HAPPY PLACES, DR. WHO".

Radu meanwhile is incredibly pissed off that the Doctor has totally blown his army’s cover by sending a message to Dracula, by firing over six hundred arrows with messages at Castle Dracula (the other 599 arrows missed entirely). The Doctor awkwardly realizes this kind of implies he was a spy all along, rather than just rubbing Eminem’s nose into her own smelly defeat.

Luckily, all power corrupts and Radu is just as much of a party animal as his half-brother Dracula and the Doctor and Peri soon convince his small army to celebrate instead of hanging, boiling, decapitating and impaling them. Soon, they are part of a conga line (which involves Peri being repeatedly kicked in the face) and all thoughts of surprise attacks on Castle Dracula are forgotten in a haze of rum punch and neat hooch.

Eminem wishes she’d got rid of the Doctor and Peri when she had the chance. She cheers herself up by telling the bound-and-gagged Dracula that the Transylvanian nobility have declared Radu new ruler of Wallachia, since Dracula’s social life has taken a real downturn since he got himself a steady girlfriend. Dracula wails in protest that he doesn’t even like her, and SHE’S done this to him!

"Pretty much," Eminem agrees, socking him on the jaw with a sock full of broken glass.

Meanwhile, the Doctor and Radu have got completely pissed and wandered off away from camp where the drunkenly tell each other spooky vampire tales as they blunder around blindly in a wood full of unknown dangers in the shadow of Castle Dracula.

Eminem meanwhile decides to crucify Dracula to the battlements and wait for the sun to rise as she is now completely bored of her vampire sex slave. At the last moment, Dracula laughs evilly and stakes himself through the heart – thereby depriving Eminem of her sadistic pleasure.

"Nooooooo!" Eminem wails as he self-combusts in gore. "Oh well," she adds a second later, completely recovered. "I can always pop by Touchwood if I want another vwum-pihrez..."

The next day, the Doctor manages to find Peri complaining about her hangover and they stumble back to the TARDIS only to find Eminem waiting impatiently and tapping her foot and explaining that she’s bored with 15th century Romania and she wants to cause more carnage throughout time and space.

Groaning, the Doctor and Peri follow her inside the police box which vanishes as a curious fog gathers in the shade between the trees. The fog coalesces into a grotesque living corpse with rodent features, elongated fingernails and incisors. Bald, hunchbacked and looking like Richard O’Brien after a massive bender, the new Dracula is neither charming nor erotic but rather totally repugnant.

"From now on," the Nosferatu whispers, "NO MORE MISTER NICE GUY!"

Book(s)/Other Related –
Doctor Who: Dracula Cutaway
Eminem The Vampire Rapist
When Vlad Tepes Met Peri: Fangs for the Mammaries

Goofs -
Eminem at one point notes, apropos of nothing, that "Charlie's on the wire. I can smell him!" which makes absolutely no sense at all. Ever.

Fashion Victims –
Dracula’s leopard-skin cape, cowboy boots and outrageous Elton-John-style spectacles whose frames form the word "BOOM!"

Technobabble –
15th century Romania is shroud in "Mummerset Yokel Larynx" particles, causing all Eastern Europeans to start saying things like "OOO-AARRRR! OI RECKON OI'LL HAVE A KIPPERRRR FOR MOI TEEEAAAA, OI WILL!"

Links and References -
The Doctor gets Peri to wet herself by telling her the horrific tale of Serial 5P ("California – The State of Decay"), confirming not only that vampires DO exist - with fangs, bats and everything - he’s met them before and they were so utterly evil they thought Adric should a poster child for their immortal villainy.

Untelevised Misadventures -
The Doctor tries once again to convince the gatekeeper that he and Dracula are old buddies from Dracula’s famous tour of the American Wild West, where he and the Doctor teamed up to fight Billy the Kid.

Groovy DVD Extras -
An outtake from "California - The State of Decay" where two members of the crew are sharing a smoke with the actor playing King Zargo. Jokingly they ask about his vampirism and Zargo reveals he is a real vampire, centuries old. When questioned, he tells the crew that he is so old, he cannot remember how he became a vampire, and cannot create more of his own kind. A bat flies by and Zargo catches it with a quick hand and bites it, ecstatically sucking blood from its body. The others are impressed and say the immortal words, "He should take over from Tom Baker as Dr Who, he should."

Dialogue Disasters -

Doctor: Who are you?
Dracula: I apologize. I assumed you knew. I am Prince Vlad III - son of Vlad the Great, and sovereign and ruler of Ungro-Walachia and the duchies of Amlas and Fagaras. But since my father's murder, I have had another name. I am Dracula.
Doctor: ... get away!
Dracula: I bloody well am! If there’s one thing I can’t stand it’s people thinking I’m some loony and not the real Dracula. I’ve really had THAT scene! I don’t know where all this got started. It’s like that business about me spreading plague rats and living in coffins, it’s all so depressing!
Doctor: It’s fascinating, isn’t it? How truth becomes legend and how fact can be corrupted by fiction.
Dracula: Oh, knock it off!

Dracula: I am Dracula; and I bid you welcome to my house! Enter freely. Go safely, and leave something of the happiness you bring!
Eminem: Oh you have no idea, brown eyes.

Doctor: Listen to them - Children Of The Night. What music they make!
Peri: The vampires?
Doctor: Hmm? Vampires? What are you talking about, Peri?
Peri: The children of the night! Vampires!
Doctor: I wasn’t talking about the vampire children of the night, I was talking about the Nash the Slash 1981 album Children of the Night! Listen to it! Electric mandolins, violins, drum machines and not a SINGLE guitar! Just like the album sleeve proudly proclaimed! THERE ARE NO GUITARS! No wonder the album achieved cult status with sound so unique!
Peri: And how does this help us fight Dracula?
Doctor: Peri, we don’t need to be fighting a mythical vampire overload to appreciate the merits of Canadian alternative rock groups!

Dracula: And you, their best beloved one, are now to me, flesh of my flesh; blood of my blood; kin of my kin... ARGH! THAT FUCKING HURTS! OH, THAT IS SO *NOT* WORKING FOR ME! OH GOD! OH! ARGH! AAAAAGH!
Eminem: Who’s yer mumma? Huh? Who’s yer MUMMA?!

Dracula: You will I trust, excuse me that I do not join you, but I have dined already, and I do not sup.
Peri: Oh, GOD DAMN IT! You’ll make me look like a drunk!

Dialogue Triumphs -

Eminem speaks of her relationship with Dracula:
"This man belongs to me!"

Peri: You totally look shorter in person.
Dracula: Oh, forget the dark penetrating eyes and the lilting accent and the fact Baron Van Frankenstein and I are on first name terms! What does that matter if I don’t look as tall as I do in the woodcuttings?!
Peri: Ooooh. SOMEONE has issues.

Doctor: Do you for sure that Peri is dead, Radu? Have you seen Peri’s body with your own eyes? Because until I do, until I have PROOF she’s gone I won’t accept it! I’ve made enough compromises in the past over the past three seasons, but no more! And I’ll fight the son of a bitch Dracula himself because I brought my friend and a rather strange Egyptian murderess here and I don’t intend to leave my friend behind! As for Eminem, she can rot in a black star! She’s not even canon!

Dracula: I have searched the world over for you, Eminem. I have yearned for you. For a creature whose darkness rivals my own excellent spookiness.
Eminem: You are strange and off-putting.
Dracula: I can feel your hunger. Your hunger to be immortal, to be a child of darkness that feels on life itself, that feeds on blood.
Eminem: Hunger? You couldn’t HANDLE my hunger!
Dracula: Go on then.
Eminem: How do you feel about whipped cream... and electrodes?

Dracula: We shall cut you and let you bleed to death! Death by exsanguination! Exsanguinate them! Exsanguinate them! Exsanguinate them! Total exsanguiination!! EXSANGUINATE THEM!! EXSANGUINATE THEM!!!
Doctor: You know, I get the strangest feeling of déjà vu...

Dracula: You are a strange man, Doctor. Eminem believes you to be a sorcerer. Is she correct? Do you possess the dark arts?
Doctor: No more than you do.
Dracula: Uh, I *do* possess the dark arts.
Doctor: Oh yes, so you do! I was getting you mixed up with Genghis Kahn again! I’m always doing that. Anyway, you shouldn’t believe everything people say about you. That’s how myths and legends start. The next thing you know, whole internet forums are devoted in working out which is which!

Eminem: Yes, I too can love. You yourselves can tell it from the past. Is it not so? Well, now I promise you that when I am done with Dracula you shall kiss him at your will.
Doctor: Seriously, I’m quite happy just to watch.

Viewer Quotes -

"Infinite diversity in infinite combinations, as the Vulcans would
say. This was rubbish in more ways than I thought could be possible. I felt like I was infected with smallpox at the end."
- Leonard Nimoy (2009)

"The sound of the TARDIS door latch, were ever it lands, when ever it opens, in the Big Finish universe it is always the same sample. Bit more variations on that." - Hilary Duff (2009)

"Is it just me, or wasn't there a rumor going round that this would be the last time we saw Eminem? I was convinced that something was going to happen to her! I was so hoping this was going to be her last story, with her taking up her place in history as the Dominatrix of Dracula, playing mistress of pain for all eternity! But instead she comes back! What a cop-out! Let’s hope the next Eminem story proves to be her last, huh? Mind you, I’ve been hoping that since Necrophilia!"
- EminemSucks! at Outpost Gallifrey (2007)

"AT LAST! AT LAST!! AT LAST!!!!! AT LAST!!!!!!!" - Count Orlock (2008)

"This was a total rip off of the classic 'Michael Palin' - including poisoned wells, the TARDIS on a carriage, narration via letters and diaries, the story taking place over a spread of times and locations, an iconic historical figure in the lead, and of course the numerous ‘dead parrot’ jokes." - An Idiot Who Doesn’t Even Know Michael Palin Starred William Hartnell But Still Thinks Their Opinion Worthy (2007)

Psychotic Nostalgia -
"We Szekelys have a right to be proud, for in our veins flows the blood of many brave races who fought as the lion fights, for lordship. It’s not actually our blood, we drank it, we keep it!"

Peter Davison Speaks!
"I loved that last scene where I got to call Nicola and Caroline 'a pair of concubines' and smack them both on the bum. Hah. I really had to go back to my roots as an actor to prepare for a scene like that. My Doctor wouldn’t have laughed dirtily like Sid James, but there had to be some sign he was enjoying it. But while staying in character. So eventually I settled for bland indifference to cover up my lust."

Nicola Bryant Speaks!
"The dialogue in Son of a Bitch is eloquent and involved, full of facts, allusions and poetic turns of phrase - and that demands a certain kind of actor. A talented cast to bring power, wit and believability to their roles. But instead they got us. Oh well. Shit happens!"

Caroline Morris Speaks!
"So you play your wits against mine? Me, who commanded armies hundreds of years before you were born? Fools! There is no way in this life to stop me shagging whoever I want to shag, living or undead! It's GOOD to Pharaoh!"

Rumors & Facts –
Stories like this illustrate why Eminem is such a great character. Her morals, based on ancient Egyptian society, differ notably from ours, and Eminem is not able to articulate her beliefs and provide logical justifications but indulge in shockingly perverted S&M bondage games. It’s much more uncomfortable, judging by the screams of her victims anyway and it’s not really a surprise that Eminem is thus able to see past Dracula’s methods and examine the personality behind them – though it was surprising she’d bother after she took that cheese grater to his scrotum so early in the relationship.

Briggs had wanted to do an Eminem/Dracula shipper fic ever since Russell had turned the idea down during the production of The Council of Niceties by Caroline Symcox.

He chose to pen this story Steve Lyons, longtime deluded gimp who had penned The Fans of Vulcan, Coleslaw Cutaway, Clock Work amongst other such releases that calling “stories” would be a gross overstatement. As ever, Lyons was convinced he’d discovered something totally new and original: a new type of Doctor Who story set entirely in the past with no aliens or time meddling, with the regular cast leaving the TARDIS, becoming wrapped up in local intrigue, encounter a significant historical figure differing from his or her historical presentation. Other discoveries Lyons had made included the question mark, penicillin and a boy wizard attending a magical academy called Hogwarts.

Lyons was delighted at the idea of a "Doctor Who Versus Dracula" story, since he had recently come up with a story about one Count Wampyr, a charming Transylvanian blood-sucking fiend with a fear of daylight, garlic, running water, crucifixes and otters.

When several members of the cast wonder pointed out that the character of Count Dracula was enormously popular and had been around since 1897 with over 200 films and more than 1000 novels involving him directly, spawning an extraordinary vampire subculture over the last fifty years. How, then, in the name of God’s Arse, had Lyons missed this phenomenon while actively researching vampires?!

Lyons simply shrugged, muttered something vague about washing his hair, then changed the topic.

In order to prevent a hefty lawsuit from the Bram Stoker Estate (actually no one was really sure if there WAS a Bram Stoker Estate but you can never be too careful) Doctor Who Vs Dracula (as the story was originally titled) was moved from a gothic tale of vampires and bats and Whitby Abbey to a pseudo-historical trip to the Dark Ages of Romanian Wars and Vlad the Impaler.

Barnaby Edwards was chosen to direct the story – and after suffering in a hot, smelly Dustbin prop in four RTD-managed Dustbin stories – decided to take out his frustrations on his actors. Under the pretense of wanting "genuine reactions", Edwards went to extraordinary lengths to make the lives of those around him a complete and utter misery.

Edwards had freezers built into the recording studio, forcing all the cast and crew to wear parkas and other cold-weather gear. After asking Peter Davison if he trusted him and being told yes, Edwards kicked him violently in the bollocks before a take – ostensibly to generate "a deeply solemn emotional reaction", but really just to see the bastard cry. In order to "get convincing shock" from Nicola Bryant, he randomly fired a gun at her without warning at various points in the production.

The story was later renamed "Son of a Bitch" in honor of Edwards being a complete and utter bastard to everyone.

This "Festival of Pain" as Edwards dubbed the recording, soon awoke the dark forces deep between the Druidic monoliths buried underneath the Big Finish base of operations. Premonitory chills were felt in the gloomy passages of the Moat Studios. Shapeless things, terrifying in their very lack of definition, moved with incredible speed as their glowing red eyes twisted and moved in separate courses, and a huge, unearthly grunting sound of brutal male violence, a lust to bring down and tear, filled every room.

This was put down to Rob Shearman and no more was said.

Soon OTHER strange and ominous events struck the recording of the play – Peter Davison’s car was struck by lightning... while still in the garage. Nicola Bryant’s scooter was also struck by lightning, but since it was strapped to a lightning conductor in the middle of a storm, this incident was not connected to the previous incident. Caroline Morris’ neighbor was bombed by a league of Irish Hare Krishnas. The train that Barnaby Edwards missed was hit by a meteorite and all aboard was killed. One of the pizza delivery boys was attacked and killed in a fight between a crazy baboon and a lion – though from all accounts, the pizza boy started it. And during the first day of rehearsal, Barry McCarthy was possessed by Satan himself, an experience he later described as "hurting at first, but soon very enjoyable."

Nine people associated with the production died within the week, and only a few of those deaths could reasonably be put down to one of Gay Russell’s psychotic killing sprees. A curious fire destroyed almost every copy of Lyons’ script, an occurrence which occurred to him a lot in his work for Big Finish. Douglas Hodge was convinced the Moat Studios were cursed and insisted he needed to paid double to turn up – but settled for a Snickers bar and a priest blessing the site between takes to ensure smooth recording.

Finally, when listening to this story, I fainted during the kinky Dracula bondage scenes and broke my jaw on my CD player. My damned lawyer, however, insists that I don’t have a case and really should pay his fees before "further accidents" occur.

This story is bad news and no mistake.