5th Doctor - Necromanteia

Serial 6Q/D – Necrophilia
An Alternate Programme Guide by Ewen Campion-Clarke
An Extract From The EC Unauthorized Programme Guide O' Passive Partners

Serial 6Q/D – Necrophilia -

As a future incarnation of the Doctor and his companion attempt to escape the Garazone bazaar and reclaim the TARDIS, the Fifth Doctor, Peri and Eminem arrive in order to look for spare TARDIS components and possibly, some sex.

The Doctor tries to buy some off Nradorlk the Randy, who refuses as he was just beaten up by his future self's companion when she rejected his advances.

Meanwhile, Eminem mugs a blind Pakhar beggar and steals the wooden sculptures he was selling for food. Peri is horrified at this and vows to tell the Doctor unless she gets an immediate 20 per cent cut into all the profits Eminem makes selling it.

At the this point, the Doctor runs past them, being chased by Garazone bazaar soldiers who are distinctly bizarre and distinctly angry at him robbing the local bank with hand grenades.

He and his companions return to the TARDIS and the Doctor sets course for the war-torn Necrophilia district of the universe, ostensibly to visit the Olympic cricket match of 2060. Peri and Eminem now suspect, however, the Doctor is trying to find some easy voodoo ladies to seduce.

The TARDIS is promptly caught in a violent distortion that makes everyone aboard rather aroused. Unable to focus, the Doctor lands the time machine aboard a ruined warship left from one of the battles while he, Peri and Eminem share a post-coital cigarette.

The ship is littered with corpses, and the Doctor is delighted – when in Necrophilia, do as the Necrophilioids do...

Two survivors spot the travelers and suspect that they are, in fact, Necrophilioid goths from the planet Trialrun who have slaughtered the attacking war fleet and created an army of corpses to shag.

The survivors, Harlan and Cochrane, are not sure whether to shoot them – and thus increase the number of corpses – or simply run away and ultimately decide to do both.

This leaves Eminem bleeding to death and the Doctor and Peri looking faintly awkward. Suddenly, a hoard of Necrophiliod witches attack the spaceship and the Doctor grabs his companions and runs for it – only to realize at the last moment he's picked up Eminem and left Peri to the mercies of the alien witches.

Shrugging philosophically, the Doctor decides to just note Peri as another dead companion and uses a first aid kit to save Eminem's life.

Meanwhile, Harlan and Cochrane decide to stage a second attack on Trialrun using poison gas bombs. Cochrane thinks this is a wee bit too hopeful considering the evil, undead witches on the planet have withstood ground assaults, planetary missiles and Frank Sinatra.

Harlan has been hired by a nameless secret agency into hardcore penetration to steal the witches' ancient polarity reverser which allows them to withstand any enemy AND have a discrete fondle on fresh corpses.

Startled to find Peri still alive, extremely high priestess of the Necrophilioids Shackleton decides to sacrifice her after a long period in a glass-walled bathroom while some of the more perverse pulse-loving witches watch on eagerly.

Once Peri is stoned out of her gourd on incense, and her naked body daubed with erotic images, the witches decide to get serious and get her suitably 'limp' for the orgy following the imminent sacrifice.

The TARDIS arrives outside the caves of Necrophilia, and the Doctor and Eminem emerge – initially mistaking the quarry outside for... well, just about every other location imaginable in Doctor Who.

Harlan and Cochrane turn up and Eminem immediately offers to "take them both on". Horrified by this misunderstanding and the fact Eminem doesn't seem to mind, the Doctor races into the cave temple to confront the witches.

The witches cut his head off with a sword.

After this, the story becomes just a little bit weird.

The Doctor awakes in the afterlife – the 2060 Barcelona Olympics, in the commentary box with Paul Addison and Jimmy Harper as they observe countless streakers running onto the field. The Doctor has never been happier, and doubts he will let this "go to his head". Heh.

Peri escapes with the help of Ceedeerom, a cult-spotter who has been observing the witches with voyeuristic intention. This reminds Peri of the Doctor's death and she chuckles slightly, the callous bitch.

Joining up with the exhausted Eminem, Cochrane and Harlan, Peri reveals the Doctor's demise and Eminem is horrified – SHE wanted to be the one to cut off the Doctor's head! Refusing to take this lying down, so to speak, she gets up and decides to wipe out the witches once and for all! After a short nap.

Back in the afterlife, the Doctor sits back for another cricket match.

Armed, dangerous and completely insane, Peri, Eminem and Ceedeerom stride into the temple and go mad with machine gun fire. Unfortunately, the witches are immune to machine gun fire and are not impressed.

Meanwhile, Harlan and Cochrane have jury-rigged their portable toaster to destroy Necrophilia's atmosphere and trigger the destruction of the entire planet. That is one powerful toaster.

In the afterlife, the Doctor is shocked to discover that nude cricket is a popular fetish and his mind has just been caught in a passing porn site while other fetishists download low-res images. He's not in the afterlife at all!

In reality, Peri and Eminem offer themselves as new recruits to the cult and cheerfully agree to cut out Ceedeerom's tongue and heart and feed them to the witches' pet centaur.

As the planet Necrophilia begins to destroy itself, a passing space ship teleports down a heap of white goods and kitchen utensils forming a huge robot containing a downloaded copy of the Doctor's mind. However, as the robot resembles a gorilla in a deep-sea-diver's helmet, a lot of his first impressions are not the best.

The Doctor-monster orders Shackleton to use the polarity reverser to save the universe.

"Get real!" Shackleton retorts. "When we die, the whole universe will fall victim to another force – existence shall be reduced to simple necrophilia! Eternal bliss! Our plans are about to be achieved – what could you POSSIBLY say to change my mind?"

At the moment, the Doctor and all the main cast begin to sing "Amazing Grace" to the tune of "House of the Rising Sun".


Book(s)/Other Related -
Doctor Who Versus The Organ Grinder
Getting Ahead After Decapitation
Chat-Up Lines For Inanimate Americans


Goofs -
Where to start? But I think killing off the Doctor during a missing adventure and then turning him into an android gorilla was probably a bad move, as was the musical ending.


Fashion Triumphs -
Peri spends three episode naked Peri spends three episode naked Peri spends three episode naked .... sorry. Wandered off there.


Technobabble –
Eminem can inverse the food machine's linear proton flow and create an endless supply of dead rats she can use for death threat purposes.


Links and References -
This story segues effortlessly into Bored of Ironing, featuring the Eighth Doctor and Charley Pollard allow another Doctor/Companion team to waste a first episode in the Garazone System.

When being beheaded, the Doctor's ENTIRE life flashes before his eyes. Due to budgetary restraints, however, this flashback consists of an excerpt from Nowhere-Land where the wasted Eighth Doctor falls into a gutter; the Fifth Doctor throwing a cup of tea in a Time Lord's face; a TARDIS landing in a swamp; and a Dustbin drinking neat hootch.


Untelevised Misadventures -
There must be one HELL of an unseen adventure where the reset button gets pressed so many times as to cause repetitive strain injury because of the ending of this story.


Groovy DVD Extras -
The Doctor-monster's cover of "House of the Rising Sun" to the tune of "Amazing Grace".


Dialogue Disasters -

Eminem: I think Harlan had a bring-us-up-Cally!


Shackleton: I have Entitlement!
Cochrane: Damn, I'm missing that one. Swap you it for Comrades of the Deep and King John Cutaway?


Eminem: Alas, poor Doctor. I was so looking forward to abusing you.


The Doctor on necrophilia –
"They finally took it on as an Olympic sport, you know. Not without some considerable cajoling from me, of course."


Dialogue Triumphs -

Peri: I was born with trouble tattooed on my ass. Wanna see?


Shackleton: Do not think that life gives you a right to abuse the dead. You must treat them with respect. Flowers, dinner, a movie and some white wine – is this too much to ask?


Harlan: The Dead Pussy was a giveaway!


Viewer Quotes -

"When it comes to Necrophilia, all I've got to say is this: rigor mortis makes me hot." - Nigel Verkoff (2003)

"Oh, Jesus! That was soooo BORING! I never thought it would ever be THAT bad! Blood sacrifice, drug taking, beheading, sexual assault and violence... This should have been BRILLIANT, dammit!"
- Amanda Freeman (2006)

"This is like Blake's 7 – only it's complete CRAP!" - Mel Smith (2003)

"Full credit also to Gilly Cohen, as the aforementioned Schakleton, whose breasts linger in the memory long after the production."
- Gerald Praline (1984)

"You don't believe I'm good in bed? Kill yourself – you'll find out."
- one of Nigel Verkoff's signatures on Outpost Gallifrey


Psychotic Nostalgia -
"Was the difference between seducing a corpse and seducing Peri? You need a lot more alcohol for Peri! HAHAHAHA! Oh, shit, wait a minute, I've got that the wrong way round."


Peter Davison Speaks!
"The horror of beheading, the true mystery of the afterlife, the desperation of robotic gorilla enhancement... All this and more was required by Necrophilia. I decided that, if I suffered a near-death beheading situation, I'd probably be numb with terror. So I decided to stick to bland, dazed indifference. No one noticed."


Nicola Bryant Speaks!
"Doctor Who is naturally erotic. You can become repressed by endless alien chicks in their underwear, but one joy of this medium is including intercourse impossible on television."


Caroline Morris Speaks!
"What's up girlfriend? Look at Doctor Who in our hands! It's hip and cool! Disagree with me and I'LL CRIPPLE YOU!"


Rumors & Facts -

Famous rubber-faced comedian Rowan Atkinson had all but retired from television after his fifteen minutes as the first and shortest-lived Ninth Doctor in The Curse of Fatal Death. Between Richard Curtis films, Atkinson offered his services to Big Finish to pen a cricket-related sitcom for his Doctor and companion Emma.

Producer Gay Russell refused point blank.

Reasonably, Atkinson offered a new story, featuring the Fifth Doctor and Nyssa, called Castellan's Child.

Russell refused point blank yet again and promptly ordered Atkinson to write a Fifth Doctor/Peri/Eminem space opera which would confirm the latter as the companion in future Big Finish plays.

Atkinson responded by delaying handing over the script for several months while he performed a five-minute cameo in Love Actually. This forced The Mouseketeers Get Nine Colours Of Shit Kicked Out Of Them (later Doctor Who Wrecks Disney World) to become Eminem's second story.

Atkinson was now feeling more and more divorced from reality, and the recent War on Terror was interfering with proposed repeats of Dark Bastard and Mr. White.

The decaying sanity showed itself in what was to be a traditional cliffhanger to episode two – a close-up of the Doctor's head. Coupling this with another common cliffhanger (the fifth Doctor being threatened with decapitation), Atkinson decided to take the logical step of having the Doctor actually have his head being cut off.

When Jason Haigh-Ellery suggested that maybe they should do some rewrites to make the story even remotely listenable, Russell refused, in the hope that Atkinson's presence would allow other British comedians to write stories for Big Finish.

Unfortunately, before recording began Atkinson fled the country, leaving the disbelieving cast with a script ending with the Doctor on the verge of asking the evil witches to piss off.

There the plot ended and no one knew just how to resolve the ever-increasingly-bizarre situation. Taking a leaf from Nev Fountain's "Beth Comes To Rhyme", Russell hastily added a music track which would re-write history and provide a happy ending.

Rowan Atkinson has not been available for comment.