Monday, September 21, 2009

5th Doctor - Son of the Dragon

Serial 6Q/K – Son of a Bitch
An Alternate Programme Guide by Ewen Campion-Clarke
An Extract From The EC Unauthorized Programme Guide O' Pophyria

Serial 6Q/K – Son of a Bitch -

The Doctor emerges from the TARDIS, followed by Peri and Eminem. They’re immediately horrified by their surroundings and Peri starts to gag from the smell. They find themselves in the remains of what was once a small village, but all the buildings have been devastated and virtually nothing has been left untouched. Someone has obviously had one HELL of a party which was so extreme, it destroyed the village! Worse, it seems all the party guests have got completely drunk and accidentally impaled themselves on spikes and been left to die!

"Hardcore," Eminem says admiringly.

The Doctor finds one impaled man still alive, but in incredible pain, and takes the man’s hand to comfort him and insists that he still deserves their compassion, despite the embarrassment of his companions who make puking noises. The man tells them their revelries were gate-crashed by a party animal known as Dracula!

The Doctor jumps to his feet and announces that Dracula’s infamous "Party Animal" era occurred in the latter half of the 15th century and they must be in Wallachia, the Romanian principality opposite Transylvania that never gets any of the same media attention thanks to "that Stoker git!" perpetuating negative reactionary stereotypes!

Suddenly they hear the sound of horses and then a group of soldiers charges towards them. The Doctor has no idea which side the soldiers are on - or indeed what side they should be on - so they must decide quickly whether to stand or run, but decides screaming hysterically and racing away as fast as he can, and promptly falls into a man-made pit trap in the middle of the road. The Doctor’s pride is to say the least dented, and his ankle is completely fucked.

The soldiers arrive seconds later and Eminem sighs and tells the leader of the soldiers that she is the former Pharoah of Egypt, dynastic ruler of an entire empire and you do NOT shit with her.

Impressed, the leader introduces himself as Radu The Handsome After You’ve Had One Too Many of the Sultan Mehmed the Merciless’ Turkish Army and offers them a trip back to his camp in the next village. The Turks are invading Romania and no poofy little undead parasite with a pretentious name and a habit of impaling peasants on his own side is gonna stop them!

As they ride off, Peri points out that every step is taking them further away from the TARDIS, but the Doctor insists there’s nothing to worry about. Eminem explains Peri’s concerns in more detail and the Doctor agrees that, since they’re stuck in a country ruled by Count Dracula in the company of the ENEMIES of Count Dracula, miles away from their transport, AND it’s starting to get dark, so maybe they should start panicking now.

The Doctor tries to calm down and notes that Dracula is just Prince Vlad Dracula III, or Vlad the Impaler to use his nickname in certain pornographic stage plays. Bram Stoker spoke a lot of bullshit that became vampire folklore – the theory that vampires can’t enter someone’s house without being granted permission, which is why they’re always so charming to begin with is in fact utter twaddle. In truth, Dracula was head of his high school debating team, and entering homes invited was the 15th century equivalent of ringing the doorbell and running away before the door was answered.

"Humor is so subjective," the Doctor sighs wistfully.

More crap Stoker came up with was that vampires are afraid of crucifixes – Dracula himself wore twelve of them as a kind of Dark Age bling to impress the girls! The portrayal by the Turks of Dracula being a being of pure evil is just propaganda as his own people think of him as a hero worthy of the full fist!

"So... he’s NOT a blood-drinking monster then?"

"Hmm? Oh, yes he is. Definitely a vampire - fangs fangs, bats, walking down the sides of castle walls, the whole kitten kadboodle. He’s also a violent and sadistic genocidal maniac, one of the most reviled serial killers in this galaxy’s history. But he IS brilliant at small talk, it’s a side of him history’s rather unfairly forgotten."

Peri is freaked out and the Doctor quickly changes topic by telling them there are evil shapes lurking in the gloom of the trees whispering "Join us!" over and over again and they’re coming for YOU, PERI!

Peri whimpers and wets herself. The Doctor grimaces and explains that he was just joking and she should really learn to relax. And more bladder control. Nauseated, he and Eminem ride off to the front, leaving Peri in her sticky horse saddle.

The next village where the army takes camp is as knackered as the previous one, what’s more all the water is poisoned, the crops are burned down and the livestock butchered. Eminem notes this is a respectfully ruthless way of surrendering land to the invading army, making sure they cannot use any territory they gain, but Radu admits it’s not a cunning military strategy, but that Dracula is just a violent alcoholic who doesn’t know when to stop.

Radu then decides to cut the crap and tells "Pharoah girl, her girlfriend and their celery-wearing jester" that there is no such thing as a free lunch, and if they want to enjoy food, water and horse rides, they’re going to have to repay the debt by becoming concubines for the Sultan, as he insists that the company of two beautiful women and a freak in cricketing gear will be just the thing to cure his syphilis.

The Doctor, disgusted at being dubbed a jester, decides they should all sneak past between fifty and sixty thousand armed soldiers using a Very Clever Plan Indeed, then avoid the hideous unknown horrors in the darkness, get into the TARDIS and sleep with the lights on from now on.

Peri and Eminem eagerly await the Very Clever Plan Indeed and are depressed – but not particularly surprised – that it amounts to "hope they all go to sleep and tip-toe outside".

This plan, unsurprisingly fails and no sooner are they out of the tent then they are caught by Radu himself. Thinking quickly, Eminem points at Radu and shouts, "OH MY GODS, IT’S DRACULA!" and immediately the soldiers attack Radu, just at the moment Dracula’s Genuine Army of Darkness And 24-Hour Party People strikes.

The Doctor and his companions realize that if they are caught by Dracula their bodies will be mutilated and defiled... and not in a GOOD way! We’re talking eye-gouging and stakes through the hearts of women and babies! NASTY! Surrounded by 70, 000 soldiers armed with scimitars who consider the TARDIS crew legitimate targets, Peri wets herself. Again. When burning arrows are fired at the camp, it proves to be a welcome distraction from the incontinent American.

The TARDIS crew scatter and Eminem takes the chance to start slaughtering Turks left right and centre. So sooner has she left a heap of corpses, then notes a pale man with long flowing hair, a Freddy Mercury moustache and a long flowing cloak is standing nearby.

Impressed by the courage and blood lust she’s shown, the man believes it deserves reward and offers to take her away with him. After checking that he IS Dracula, AKA Prince Vlad III, son of Vlad the Great and sovereign and ruler of Ungro-Wallachia and the duchies of Amlas and Fagaras, Eminem says she’s up for it no questions asked.

Peri meanwhile gets caught up in the wrong survivors from the battle and ends up with Dracula’s Genuine Army of Darkness And 24-Hour Party People where her VJ-narratorial skills and automatically bigging up of her fellows soon gets her incredibly popular amongst the Transylvanian soldiers of fortune and hedonistic decadence.

The Doctor is left with the remains of the Turkish Army as Radu struts through the battlefield cockily bragging about how Dracula the Prince of Lies and Pure Evil wept, cried and ran away like a baby-man and his army of undead killers fled. The Doctor himself is deeply relieved when he discovers that Eminem has been kidnapped by Dracula himself, but swears loudly when Peri goes missing. He needs her with him in the TARDIS to keep the anoraks happy! Thus, he’s stuck in the Dark Ages until he can get her back – sometimes life plain sucks.

Radu is confident that despite a night attack wiping out most of his forces, the Turks will still have the advantage. Dracula’s army will now celebrate with ANOTHER wild and debauched party and the noblemen of Wallachia won’t be invited – but they’re so desperate to be cool they won’t turn on Dracula over this social insult. Mind you, the fear of being slaughtered and having their blood drained does kind of play a part in their reluctance as well.

Either way, Dracula’s diminished forces will be too busy rocking around the clock to fight off a second attack. The Doctor suggests they just wait till everyone’s exhausted and hungover from partying and then use diplomacy rather than force to break them – he knows many a regime that surrendered simply in return for their drunken leaders being allowed to go back to sleep.

Just then they spot, over the hill, 20,000 bodies - men, women and children, Dracula’s prisoners of war who were marched a full thirty leagues then slaughtered them and left mounted here for the ravens - stretching in all directions as far as the eye can see. This is the Forest of the Impaled, a scene that will haunt the history books for generations.

More disturbingly, the bodies are expertly positioned so as to spell out the words "DRACULA SAYS: FUCK OFF".

Most of the Turkish Army see this scream hysterically and flee right away – including the Doctor – while Radu notes the animalistic post-modernism of this Dadaist installation, and how Dracula is using a psychological barrier rather than a physical one.

He then realizes he is now all alone and feels rather exposed.

Eminem meanwhile makes herself at home at Castle Dracula and starts picking fights with Miss Mina Harker the housekeeper, cook, cleaner and concubine for her undead master. Eminem claims Harker called her a "Turkish Tramp" and kicks her down the stairs.

Dracula finds Harker seemingly slacking off and strikes her viciously across the face and knocks her to the ground. Then he kicks her down another flight of stairs, just to make sure she doesn’t get pregnant again like last time.

Eminem angrily tells the vampire off for questioning her blood feud with total strangers – so Dracula strikes her across the face too. He tells her he’s only prepared to forgive so much, even for a face as pretty as hers. Eminem retorts that if he pushes her too far, he will share the fate of all who displease the Pharaoh.

Dracula petulantly points that HE is the undead indestructible demon from the pits of hell and if anyone is going to be swearing dark vengeance on those around them, it’ll be HIM! So Eminem kicks him in the bollocks, drags him into the bedroom and violently rapes him.

"Wow," Dracula says as he recovers consciousness. "Where have you been all my afterlife?!" he wonders as Eminem continues to smack him and scream the expression, 'Wot’s mah name, bitch?!' repeatedly.

As they cross over the bridge into Castle Dracula, Peri and the other survivors construct a flimsy plywood barricade of empty cardboard boxes to protect them from the Turks. Just them she sees a coach driven by a strange specter that hides its face, and moves at an unnatural speed. To her surprise, Peri catches a glimpse of Eminem inside the carriage, making out with the Dark Prince and starts calling out her name.

Inside the carriage, Eminem hears Peri calling and urges Dracula to speed up and, if possible, double back and run her over as they continue their tour of the town, just as the Doctor arrives at the gates and tries to smuggle his way in claiming to be selling home insurance at reduced rates. The gatekeeper becomes angry at the suggestion that his loyalty can be bought with low insurance premiums but nevertheless accepts in return for a complimentary novelty pen.

Once inside, the Doctor spots Peri trying to break into the Castle itself, only to be captured by rotting corpses somehow animated by pure evil – and WHO would expect that to happen in Castle Dracula?!

The zombies drag Peri to be impaled on an oiled stake and, showing again their pure evil, ignore the teenager’s demands for a lawyer. Sighing, the Doctor leaps over the wall and beheads all the zombies with his molenski univarious set on "scimitar".

Just then Eminem arrives, with Dracula in bondage gear crawling on all fours and on a leash. She announces that she’s hit jackpot in his backwater part of time and space, and declares to the non-speaking extras that from now own Dracula will be known as the Bitch of Eminem!

Eminem tells the Doctor and Peri to get out of her sight as, in return for all their quite-uncanonical-time together, she will give them an hour’s head start before she hunts them down and impales them. The Doctor retorts he never liked her anyway and doesn’t care if she’s altering history or taking her allotted place in it - the surviving written accounts of this time are few and unreliable and there‘s little they can be reasonably sure of, but there’s one single account that suggests Dracula might have been married to a psycho bitch heavily into sadio-masochistic bondage domination.

Insulted at this, Eminem plunges a knife into the Doctor’s chest, and he collapses to the ground grumbling something like, "Oh no, not AGAIN! Turlough was bad enough..." before going still. It starts to rain for reasons never adequately explored for my liking.

Leaving Peri screaming for help, Eminem heads upstairs and has dinner with Dracula, content to sip blood from cocktail glasses prepared by the faithful butler George. However, Eminem soon finds Dracula distant and despondent – probably because she hasn’t taken off his gag and spiked restraints.

In between scenes, the evil potentate known only as "the Big N" tries to invade Transylvania in the hope Dracula would be exhausted after the fight with the Turks, only for Eminem to break every bone in his body using her small toe. This 'Siege of Verkoff' is often discussed throughout the rest of the story to cover awkward silences, but is actually completely irrelevant. I only typed this up to prove I listened to the damn thing.

Meanwhile, Radu takes up motivational speaking and attends Alcoholics Anonymous where numerous victims of Dracula’s raves are recovering. There, Radu speaks with such passion and evangelical zeal all the recovering drunks agree to join his army and fight Dracula on the condition he SHUTS THE HELL UP!

Radu realizes that the Doctor was right, and by simply being incredibly chirpy and annoying, he can break Dracula’s hold over his troops and force them to defect.

The information that even the lowliest of his people, the ones for whom Dracula has spilled his blood and risked his non-existent soul, now whisper against him is gleefully relayed by Eminem as she chains Dracula to a wall and flicks burning matches onto his chest. She decides she’ll release a flock of winged monkeys to destroy Radu’s army and if that messes with the Web of Time, well who gives a shit.

Meanwhile, Peri is disturbed that rather than doing something sensible like bleeding to death, the Doctor instead takes to Edward Fitzgerald's translation of the Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam. They decide to leg it back to the TARDIS before Radu’s army storms Transylvania and Dracula gets staked through the heart and waits until the 19th century before turning up again – but this time, MUCH camper and capable of turning into various furry animals.

On the way, the Doctor cheers her up by telling her that the nearby river will be renamed Raul Doamnei – a rather twisted way of saying River Where Dracula’s Missus Trips And Drowns. So, either Eminem will take her own life or, more likely, Dracula will murder her, possibly due to forgetting the safety word in a kinky sex session.

They then bump into Radu The Handsome After You’ve Had One Too Many who very conveniently has the TARDIS strapped to his cart. The Doctor suggests Radu forget the whole holy war with vampires who, after all, just want to "chill out with the brothers".

Back at Castle Dracula, Eminem stares unblinkingly out the window and says that she is disturbed by how quiet everything is... almost TOO quiet. Dracula makes a muffled plea that he be released from the Scold’s Bridle Eminem built out of cutlery and forced him into, but she screams at him to shut up or she’ll violate him some MORE in this very dark, draughty tower room!

"And this time NO lubricant!" she vows.

At that moment she is nearly impaled by an arrow that flies through the window. Attached to the arrow is a note saying "PREPARE TO BE INVADED BY THE REBEL ARMY! NOT SO CONFIDENT NOW, ARE YOU?" and signed, "HAPPY TIMES AND HAPPY PLACES, DR. WHO".

Radu meanwhile is incredibly pissed off that the Doctor has totally blown his army’s cover by sending a message to Dracula, by firing over six hundred arrows with messages at Castle Dracula (the other 599 arrows missed entirely). The Doctor awkwardly realizes this kind of implies he was a spy all along, rather than just rubbing Eminem’s nose into her own smelly defeat.

Luckily, all power corrupts and Radu is just as much of a party animal as his half-brother Dracula and the Doctor and Peri soon convince his small army to celebrate instead of hanging, boiling, decapitating and impaling them. Soon, they are part of a conga line (which involves Peri being repeatedly kicked in the face) and all thoughts of surprise attacks on Castle Dracula are forgotten in a haze of rum punch and neat hooch.

Eminem wishes she’d got rid of the Doctor and Peri when she had the chance. She cheers herself up by telling the bound-and-gagged Dracula that the Transylvanian nobility have declared Radu new ruler of Wallachia, since Dracula’s social life has taken a real downturn since he got himself a steady girlfriend. Dracula wails in protest that he doesn’t even like her, and SHE’S done this to him!

"Pretty much," Eminem agrees, socking him on the jaw with a sock full of broken glass.

Meanwhile, the Doctor and Radu have got completely pissed and wandered off away from camp where the drunkenly tell each other spooky vampire tales as they blunder around blindly in a wood full of unknown dangers in the shadow of Castle Dracula.

Eminem meanwhile decides to crucify Dracula to the battlements and wait for the sun to rise as she is now completely bored of her vampire sex slave. At the last moment, Dracula laughs evilly and stakes himself through the heart – thereby depriving Eminem of her sadistic pleasure.

"Nooooooo!" Eminem wails as he self-combusts in gore. "Oh well," she adds a second later, completely recovered. "I can always pop by Touchwood if I want another vwum-pihrez..."

The next day, the Doctor manages to find Peri complaining about her hangover and they stumble back to the TARDIS only to find Eminem waiting impatiently and tapping her foot and explaining that she’s bored with 15th century Romania and she wants to cause more carnage throughout time and space.

Groaning, the Doctor and Peri follow her inside the police box which vanishes as a curious fog gathers in the shade between the trees. The fog coalesces into a grotesque living corpse with rodent features, elongated fingernails and incisors. Bald, hunchbacked and looking like Richard O’Brien after a massive bender, the new Dracula is neither charming nor erotic but rather totally repugnant.

"From now on," the Nosferatu whispers, "NO MORE MISTER NICE GUY!"

Book(s)/Other Related –
Doctor Who: Dracula Cutaway
Eminem The Vampire Rapist
When Vlad Tepes Met Peri: Fangs for the Mammaries

Goofs -
Eminem at one point notes, apropos of nothing, that "Charlie's on the wire. I can smell him!" which makes absolutely no sense at all. Ever.

Fashion Victims –
Dracula’s leopard-skin cape, cowboy boots and outrageous Elton-John-style spectacles whose frames form the word "BOOM!"

Technobabble –
15th century Romania is shroud in "Mummerset Yokel Larynx" particles, causing all Eastern Europeans to start saying things like "OOO-AARRRR! OI RECKON OI'LL HAVE A KIPPERRRR FOR MOI TEEEAAAA, OI WILL!"

Links and References -
The Doctor gets Peri to wet herself by telling her the horrific tale of Serial 5P ("California – The State of Decay"), confirming not only that vampires DO exist - with fangs, bats and everything - he’s met them before and they were so utterly evil they thought Adric should a poster child for their immortal villainy.

Untelevised Misadventures -
The Doctor tries once again to convince the gatekeeper that he and Dracula are old buddies from Dracula’s famous tour of the American Wild West, where he and the Doctor teamed up to fight Billy the Kid.

Groovy DVD Extras -
An outtake from "California - The State of Decay" where two members of the crew are sharing a smoke with the actor playing King Zargo. Jokingly they ask about his vampirism and Zargo reveals he is a real vampire, centuries old. When questioned, he tells the crew that he is so old, he cannot remember how he became a vampire, and cannot create more of his own kind. A bat flies by and Zargo catches it with a quick hand and bites it, ecstatically sucking blood from its body. The others are impressed and say the immortal words, "He should take over from Tom Baker as Dr Who, he should."

Dialogue Disasters -

Doctor: Who are you?
Dracula: I apologize. I assumed you knew. I am Prince Vlad III - son of Vlad the Great, and sovereign and ruler of Ungro-Walachia and the duchies of Amlas and Fagaras. But since my father's murder, I have had another name. I am Dracula.
Doctor: ... get away!
Dracula: I bloody well am! If there’s one thing I can’t stand it’s people thinking I’m some loony and not the real Dracula. I’ve really had THAT scene! I don’t know where all this got started. It’s like that business about me spreading plague rats and living in coffins, it’s all so depressing!
Doctor: It’s fascinating, isn’t it? How truth becomes legend and how fact can be corrupted by fiction.
Dracula: Oh, knock it off!

Dracula: I am Dracula; and I bid you welcome to my house! Enter freely. Go safely, and leave something of the happiness you bring!
Eminem: Oh you have no idea, brown eyes.

Doctor: Listen to them - Children Of The Night. What music they make!
Peri: The vampires?
Doctor: Hmm? Vampires? What are you talking about, Peri?
Peri: The children of the night! Vampires!
Doctor: I wasn’t talking about the vampire children of the night, I was talking about the Nash the Slash 1981 album Children of the Night! Listen to it! Electric mandolins, violins, drum machines and not a SINGLE guitar! Just like the album sleeve proudly proclaimed! THERE ARE NO GUITARS! No wonder the album achieved cult status with sound so unique!
Peri: And how does this help us fight Dracula?
Doctor: Peri, we don’t need to be fighting a mythical vampire overload to appreciate the merits of Canadian alternative rock groups!

Dracula: And you, their best beloved one, are now to me, flesh of my flesh; blood of my blood; kin of my kin... ARGH! THAT FUCKING HURTS! OH, THAT IS SO *NOT* WORKING FOR ME! OH GOD! OH! ARGH! AAAAAGH!
Eminem: Who’s yer mumma? Huh? Who’s yer MUMMA?!

Dracula: You will I trust, excuse me that I do not join you, but I have dined already, and I do not sup.
Peri: Oh, GOD DAMN IT! You’ll make me look like a drunk!

Dialogue Triumphs -

Eminem speaks of her relationship with Dracula:
"This man belongs to me!"

Peri: You totally look shorter in person.
Dracula: Oh, forget the dark penetrating eyes and the lilting accent and the fact Baron Van Frankenstein and I are on first name terms! What does that matter if I don’t look as tall as I do in the woodcuttings?!
Peri: Ooooh. SOMEONE has issues.

Doctor: Do you for sure that Peri is dead, Radu? Have you seen Peri’s body with your own eyes? Because until I do, until I have PROOF she’s gone I won’t accept it! I’ve made enough compromises in the past over the past three seasons, but no more! And I’ll fight the son of a bitch Dracula himself because I brought my friend and a rather strange Egyptian murderess here and I don’t intend to leave my friend behind! As for Eminem, she can rot in a black star! She’s not even canon!

Dracula: I have searched the world over for you, Eminem. I have yearned for you. For a creature whose darkness rivals my own excellent spookiness.
Eminem: You are strange and off-putting.
Dracula: I can feel your hunger. Your hunger to be immortal, to be a child of darkness that feels on life itself, that feeds on blood.
Eminem: Hunger? You couldn’t HANDLE my hunger!
Dracula: Go on then.
Eminem: How do you feel about whipped cream... and electrodes?

Dracula: We shall cut you and let you bleed to death! Death by exsanguination! Exsanguinate them! Exsanguinate them! Exsanguinate them! Total exsanguiination!! EXSANGUINATE THEM!! EXSANGUINATE THEM!!!
Doctor: You know, I get the strangest feeling of déjà vu...

Dracula: You are a strange man, Doctor. Eminem believes you to be a sorcerer. Is she correct? Do you possess the dark arts?
Doctor: No more than you do.
Dracula: Uh, I *do* possess the dark arts.
Doctor: Oh yes, so you do! I was getting you mixed up with Genghis Kahn again! I’m always doing that. Anyway, you shouldn’t believe everything people say about you. That’s how myths and legends start. The next thing you know, whole internet forums are devoted in working out which is which!

Eminem: Yes, I too can love. You yourselves can tell it from the past. Is it not so? Well, now I promise you that when I am done with Dracula you shall kiss him at your will.
Doctor: Seriously, I’m quite happy just to watch.

Viewer Quotes -

"Infinite diversity in infinite combinations, as the Vulcans would
say. This was rubbish in more ways than I thought could be possible. I felt like I was infected with smallpox at the end."
- Leonard Nimoy (2009)

"The sound of the TARDIS door latch, were ever it lands, when ever it opens, in the Big Finish universe it is always the same sample. Bit more variations on that." - Hilary Duff (2009)

"Is it just me, or wasn't there a rumor going round that this would be the last time we saw Eminem? I was convinced that something was going to happen to her! I was so hoping this was going to be her last story, with her taking up her place in history as the Dominatrix of Dracula, playing mistress of pain for all eternity! But instead she comes back! What a cop-out! Let’s hope the next Eminem story proves to be her last, huh? Mind you, I’ve been hoping that since Necrophilia!"
- EminemSucks! at Outpost Gallifrey (2007)

"AT LAST! AT LAST!! AT LAST!!!!! AT LAST!!!!!!!" - Count Orlock (2008)

"This was a total rip off of the classic 'Michael Palin' - including poisoned wells, the TARDIS on a carriage, narration via letters and diaries, the story taking place over a spread of times and locations, an iconic historical figure in the lead, and of course the numerous ‘dead parrot’ jokes." - An Idiot Who Doesn’t Even Know Michael Palin Starred William Hartnell But Still Thinks Their Opinion Worthy (2007)

Psychotic Nostalgia -
"We Szekelys have a right to be proud, for in our veins flows the blood of many brave races who fought as the lion fights, for lordship. It’s not actually our blood, we drank it, we keep it!"

Peter Davison Speaks!
"I loved that last scene where I got to call Nicola and Caroline 'a pair of concubines' and smack them both on the bum. Hah. I really had to go back to my roots as an actor to prepare for a scene like that. My Doctor wouldn’t have laughed dirtily like Sid James, but there had to be some sign he was enjoying it. But while staying in character. So eventually I settled for bland indifference to cover up my lust."

Nicola Bryant Speaks!
"The dialogue in Son of a Bitch is eloquent and involved, full of facts, allusions and poetic turns of phrase - and that demands a certain kind of actor. A talented cast to bring power, wit and believability to their roles. But instead they got us. Oh well. Shit happens!"

Caroline Morris Speaks!
"So you play your wits against mine? Me, who commanded armies hundreds of years before you were born? Fools! There is no way in this life to stop me shagging whoever I want to shag, living or undead! It's GOOD to Pharaoh!"

Rumors & Facts –
Stories like this illustrate why Eminem is such a great character. Her morals, based on ancient Egyptian society, differ notably from ours, and Eminem is not able to articulate her beliefs and provide logical justifications but indulge in shockingly perverted S&M bondage games. It’s much more uncomfortable, judging by the screams of her victims anyway and it’s not really a surprise that Eminem is thus able to see past Dracula’s methods and examine the personality behind them – though it was surprising she’d bother after she took that cheese grater to his scrotum so early in the relationship.

Briggs had wanted to do an Eminem/Dracula shipper fic ever since Russell had turned the idea down during the production of The Council of Niceties by Caroline Symcox.

He chose to pen this story Steve Lyons, longtime deluded gimp who had penned The Fans of Vulcan, Coleslaw Cutaway, Clock Work amongst other such releases that calling “stories” would be a gross overstatement. As ever, Lyons was convinced he’d discovered something totally new and original: a new type of Doctor Who story set entirely in the past with no aliens or time meddling, with the regular cast leaving the TARDIS, becoming wrapped up in local intrigue, encounter a significant historical figure differing from his or her historical presentation. Other discoveries Lyons had made included the question mark, penicillin and a boy wizard attending a magical academy called Hogwarts.

Lyons was delighted at the idea of a "Doctor Who Versus Dracula" story, since he had recently come up with a story about one Count Wampyr, a charming Transylvanian blood-sucking fiend with a fear of daylight, garlic, running water, crucifixes and otters.

When several members of the cast wonder pointed out that the character of Count Dracula was enormously popular and had been around since 1897 with over 200 films and more than 1000 novels involving him directly, spawning an extraordinary vampire subculture over the last fifty years. How, then, in the name of God’s Arse, had Lyons missed this phenomenon while actively researching vampires?!

Lyons simply shrugged, muttered something vague about washing his hair, then changed the topic.

In order to prevent a hefty lawsuit from the Bram Stoker Estate (actually no one was really sure if there WAS a Bram Stoker Estate but you can never be too careful) Doctor Who Vs Dracula (as the story was originally titled) was moved from a gothic tale of vampires and bats and Whitby Abbey to a pseudo-historical trip to the Dark Ages of Romanian Wars and Vlad the Impaler.

Barnaby Edwards was chosen to direct the story – and after suffering in a hot, smelly Dustbin prop in four RTD-managed Dustbin stories – decided to take out his frustrations on his actors. Under the pretense of wanting "genuine reactions", Edwards went to extraordinary lengths to make the lives of those around him a complete and utter misery.

Edwards had freezers built into the recording studio, forcing all the cast and crew to wear parkas and other cold-weather gear. After asking Peter Davison if he trusted him and being told yes, Edwards kicked him violently in the bollocks before a take – ostensibly to generate "a deeply solemn emotional reaction", but really just to see the bastard cry. In order to "get convincing shock" from Nicola Bryant, he randomly fired a gun at her without warning at various points in the production.

The story was later renamed "Son of a Bitch" in honor of Edwards being a complete and utter bastard to everyone.

This "Festival of Pain" as Edwards dubbed the recording, soon awoke the dark forces deep between the Druidic monoliths buried underneath the Big Finish base of operations. Premonitory chills were felt in the gloomy passages of the Moat Studios. Shapeless things, terrifying in their very lack of definition, moved with incredible speed as their glowing red eyes twisted and moved in separate courses, and a huge, unearthly grunting sound of brutal male violence, a lust to bring down and tear, filled every room.

This was put down to Rob Shearman and no more was said.

Soon OTHER strange and ominous events struck the recording of the play – Peter Davison’s car was struck by lightning... while still in the garage. Nicola Bryant’s scooter was also struck by lightning, but since it was strapped to a lightning conductor in the middle of a storm, this incident was not connected to the previous incident. Caroline Morris’ neighbor was bombed by a league of Irish Hare Krishnas. The train that Barnaby Edwards missed was hit by a meteorite and all aboard was killed. One of the pizza delivery boys was attacked and killed in a fight between a crazy baboon and a lion – though from all accounts, the pizza boy started it. And during the first day of rehearsal, Barry McCarthy was possessed by Satan himself, an experience he later described as "hurting at first, but soon very enjoyable."

Nine people associated with the production died within the week, and only a few of those deaths could reasonably be put down to one of Gay Russell’s psychotic killing sprees. A curious fire destroyed almost every copy of Lyons’ script, an occurrence which occurred to him a lot in his work for Big Finish. Douglas Hodge was convinced the Moat Studios were cursed and insisted he needed to paid double to turn up – but settled for a Snickers bar and a priest blessing the site between takes to ensure smooth recording.

Finally, when listening to this story, I fainted during the kinky Dracula bondage scenes and broke my jaw on my CD player. My damned lawyer, however, insists that I don’t have a case and really should pay his fees before "further accidents" occur.

This story is bad news and no mistake.

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