Monday, September 21, 2009

5th Doctor - The Roof of the World

Serial 6Q/F – The Spoof of the World
An Alternate Programme Guide by Ewen Campion-Clarke
An Extract From The EC Unauthorized Programme Guide O' Ut'ulls-Hr'her

Serial 6Q/F – The Spoof of the World -

The Doctor, furious after Peri and Eminem use canisters of liquid nitrogen to turn the TARDIS swimming pool into an ice-skating rink, lands the TARDIS in a livestock wagon of a train heading from Siliguri to Darjeeling, and prepares to hurl them out when he realizes it is 1917 and there is one "bitching" cricket match being held at the Grand Imperial Hotel in the Himalayas.

Thus, the Doctor decides to scrounge a free ride on the train and doze off on the roof while Peri admires the landscape and Eminem pulls out a bowie knife and starts hunting any land sharks that might be in the vicinity.

At Darjeeling, the TARDIS crew steal a hand-drawn cart and Eminem starts hurling rocks at the lepers begging in the streets, shouting she is a royal personage and her eyes deserve better than to be offended by the sight of such sorry losers.

One of the lepers shouts loudly that he DOES have a real job, thank you very much, being a British explorer Lord Mortimer Davey now working for an unnatural other-dimensional entity of pure evil! So saying, he begs Eminem for some spare change, and gets a headbutt instead.

As the Doctor, Peri and Eminem resume their journey, Eminem becomes distracted, claiming that she can hear whispering voices. The Doctor dismisses this as Eminem is certifiably psychotic at the best of times, and to stop annoying him for a change.

The Doctor and his friends finally reach the hotel, only to find that they’re the first to arrive apart from General Alexander Bruce (infamous cross-dressing cricket match-organizing international explorer, second class), John Matthews (media whore for National Geographic) and local pop group Lovecraft and the Sherpas.

Bruce is annoyed at Matthews’ prose, doesn’t make him sound heroic, masculine or sexy enough to be compared to Sherlock Holmes in Edwardian Fetishists Magazine, and when Matthews points out Sherlock Holmes is a fictional character, Bruce punches him repeatedly in the groin.

Matthews is more worried about the photos of a base camp – which appear to show a strange cloud of light with a baby face in it, floating down the mountain towards them, if you get all the photos and turn them into a neat flip booklet.

The Doctor brags to Peri and Eminem that the cricket match is a show of solidarity amongst the English, the Swiss and even god help us the French, and that the turnout will make Eminem’s pathetic Egyptian Empire look like the women’s institute!

No one turns up for the cricket match.

Bored, Eminem starts throwing cricket balls at people – even Lord Davey. Peri points out that it is impossible for a man to have followed them from Darjeeling so quickly, and Eminem throws more cricket balls at him for breaking the laws of reality just to annoy her. Bruce notes that Davey should be with the expedition up the mountain, and throws a cricket ball at him as well.

Bruce and the Doctor decide that even if it IS just the two of them, they will still play a game, but as they argue about who should field, an ominous miniature sun swoops down towards the hotel against the wind, filled with a hateful baby face snarling with fury.

The Doctor has a hunch this is no ordinary phenomenon and everyone runs into the hotel and slam the doors and windows

Eminem starts hearing Davey’s voice inside her head telling her not to under any circumstances to stride into the baby-faced sun energy field and, shouting she’ll do what she wants, Eminem does so.

The sun-face swoops away, taking Eminem with it and the Doctor sighs in relief that obviously Eminem was the one the strange unearthly thing wanted all along, and it’s lucky it got her before it tore the hotel apart to get at her.

Peri notes some strange marks in the ground, as if the cloud was shrouding some sort of beast with arms and legs and some kind of television built into its stomach.

The Doctor realizes, much to his relief, that the blazing baby-faced sun has already wiped out all the expedition camps up the mountain, thus preventing any of them from turning up to the cricket match.

Bruce decides to mount a follow-up expedition to confirm once and for all that all their friends have been torn apart by demonic forces, but it will take a massive piss-up to get everyone drunk enough to agree to accompany him.

Bruce insists that his expedition will be a rip-snorting success, and the fact he is penning his last will and testament and a detailed explanation that any civilian deaths caused by incompetence are entirely not down to him in any way whatsoever.

At that moment, a man identical in every way to the Doctor arrives and, nervously shuffling through some cue cards, awkwardly explains that Eminem is probably dead already and risking more lives is kinda mean when you think about it. In fact, letting a rabid mass-murdering Pharaoh aboard the TARDIS in the first place was a particularly stupid move in retrospect.

At this point the faux-Doctor notices the genuine one standing right beside him, arms folded, tapping his foot impatiently.

Belatedly realizing that he has been discovered, the newcomer transforms into Lord Davey – though he doesn’t have the cue cards for this character and breaks down and admits it is a psionic ghost used by its evil soul-destroying masters trapped in the heart of the mountain and it intends to stop its old enemy the Doctor from interfering.

The Doctor scratches his head, wondering just what old enemy of his could be behind mysterious psychic-powered apparitions in the Himalayas, using strange psychotic furry creatures to its bidding to try and get it out from some other dimension into the real world?

"DAMN IT!" the Doctor shouts. "It could be anyone!"

Just then, an army of furry, television-gutted monsters start to skip down the hillside towards them, waving their arms in the air and speaking in a strange babyish language. Then, evil energy shoots from their television-stomachs, incinerating the expedition gear and barring the way up the mountain.

"Oh dear," the Doctor says to Peri. "TELLYTUBBIES!!"

At long, long last, the Doctor realizes the truth – the strange baby-faced sun, is in fact the Great Narrator, a cosmic voice over artiste who intends to conquer the world using strange tubby-based phenomena like custard and toast, and has tried on two previous occasions (well, three if you count the spin off video, and five if you count the books) to destroy humanity with the robotic Tellytubbies.

Once again, the Doctor’s total cluelessness about his foes has brought the nightmares of the evil darkness to crash against the shores of reason and logic, and unleash the unstoppable horrors from beyond.

At this news, the Doctor tries to cheer everyone up with some old jelly babies he found in his pockets and suggests they use the TARDIS to head up the mountain. Despite Peri’s protests, the Doctor insists they bring along carts, yaks and all-terrain clothing because otherwise it just doesn’t have the "feel", which is what really matters.

Meanwhile, Eminem finds herself invisible and intangible as she watches her funeral procession. She is incredibly annoyed that the Doctor and Peri have not been buried in her coffin with her, and the idea that they survived at all pisses her off incredibly.

Lord Davey arrives and explains Eminem is on a different level of reality, and shows her a vision of her father Pharaoh Aristformallyknownasprince, ordering Eminem to be bound and thrown to the leopards on her next birthday and then all records erased so no one knows he has a daughter.

Eminem says she knows all about that, since being dumped in a pit of leopards was a kinky bondage game as a birthday treat.

Bored, Eminem summons up a vision where the TARDIS console explodes and Peri bleeds to death while she watches on laughing evilly.

Davey explains that he has sacrificed all the non-speaking extras to the burning baby face of hatred in the sky, the Great Narrator who describes with breathless Oriental charm the dark forces inside the mirror-lined pyramid at the heart of the mountain.

The Great Narrator intends to destroy the world – thus, not only will all the impurities be purged to all new and better life to be born from the ruins of decay, but it’ll also be lots more fun to describe to the cosmic audience listening in.

Eminem decides to allow the power of the Great Narrator’s audience to focus through her mind, bringing the willpower of each and every one of the Great Old Ones, from Aphoom-Zhah to Quachil-Uttaus to Zvilpogghua, surge through her.

Soon her jet black eyes weep with oily blood and she shouts that she is the Key to the End of Infinity, the Dawning of the Age of Aquarius and the Punt Pole of the Gondola of Life!

The TARDIS arrives, the Doctor emerges, walks up Eminem and strikes her over the head with a cricket bat, knocking her unconscious, and he drags her back into the TARDIS.

The Great Narrator’s audience charge the police box – giant slugs with metallic spines, large men with a lion’s head and tentacles from the waist down, flying scorpion beasts, levitating sinuous glowing blobs, giant furry humanoid toads, and of course Ian Levine – and struggle to gain entrance to the time machine.

The Doctor sticks his head out the door and angrily demands to know if these Elder Gods behave like this is in their own homes?

However, a giant bat creature with detachable eyes grabs the Doctor and drags him over to the mirror pyramid, where the army of Tellytubbies guard the exits.

In the TARDIS, Peri decides for no obvious or discernable reason, to attack the Great Narrator with liquid nitrogen, canisters of which are conveniently lying around the console room after the seemingly extraneous bits in the first episode.

The Doctor, confronted by the manifestations of mankind’s worst nightmares, creatures that spread evil, chaos and destruction in their wake wherever they go now released into the world, challenges the Great Old Ones to a game of cricket.

"Or are you parasites of no more significance than cosmic locusts, the last of your kind, already weak and dying, feeding on others’ lives to maintain your shaky grasp on the glories of your past and one day, something even worse will come along to destroy you?"

The Great Old Ones, however, have no idea what cricket is – and after the Doctor explains the rules, utterly confuses them. The Great Narrator has never before mentioned this pointless English sport, or the wealth of other useless things in this reality: like suburbia, continental drift, capital gains tax, and DVD easter eggs.

Y’golonac, the one in the form of a headless naked man who has mouths in the palms of his hands, realizes that the Great Narrator has totally lied about how nifty and cool the material universe is. He’s LIED to his audience, casting permanent doubt on his journalistic integrity!

Altach-Nacha, the giant human-faced spider, agrees and suggests they beat the living ectoplasm out of their traitorous travel agent, only to discover that Coatlicue the winged fire-breathing snake is already beating up the Great Narrator using the elephant-headed Chaugnar Faugn!

As a veritable Who’s Who from the Necronomicon engage in a riot, the Doctor quietly picks up his cricket bat, and smashes the mirrored side of the pyramid, so the entire mountain implodes, wiping out the pantheon of Lovecraft’s address book.

Aboard the TARDIS, Eminem is fully recovered and repeatedly kicking Bruce and Matthews in the ribs. With a sigh, the Doctor knocks her unconscious with his cricket bat once more.

Book(s)/Other Related –
Doctor Who Versus The Cthulu Cycle Deities
Dr Who Beats Up The Feaster From The Stars With A Cricket Bat
Doctor Who Adores The Teletubbies
Doctor Who & The Tubbies of Cuteness
The World Wide Web of Fear
Nctosa & Silent Nctolhu Strike Back!

Goofs -
For an audio script, it’s odd that it focuses on evil sentient black clouds, floating glowing heads, white pyramids and the pantheon of Gods that Should Not Be. They’re not audio-friendly concepts, are they?

Does anyone else feel a bit let down that the cosmic order of pure evil are not defeated by the interruption of it's transference from mental to physical state via a perfectly still thought pattern transmitted through a perfect crystal created in a zero gravity environment, but by a poetry slam?
Oh, and some liquid nitrogen and TNT too.
But the poetry slam was the really crucial bit.

Fashion Victims –
Peri's funeral gear consists of a Hawaiian shirt and a safari jacket.

Technobabble –
The Doctor broods that reversing the polarity of the mylar flow may not be enough to stop the Great Narrator twice.

Links and References -
The Doctor drops the name of explorer George Cranleigh, who he ruthlessly hunted down and killed for no real reason in "Perriot Costume of Death" (Serial 6A).

Untelevised Misadventures -
The Doctor appears to have had several short term but very intense relationships with the Old Ones, especially the mass of eyes and mouths Bugg-Shash The Black Filler of Space Who Comes In the Dark, the pendulous Hziulquoigmnzhah, and quite possibly was two-timing The All-Consuming M’Nagalah the Eternal Great God Cancer with The Unborn God X’chll’at-aa, Lord of the Great Old Ones and Enemy of All That Live.

He is, however, still on good terms with the Dweller in the Gulf, Eidolon of the Blind, and they discuss his underwater condominium on Mars with its staff of blind, troglodyte Aihai au pairs.

Groovy DVD Extras -
A music tribute to the Great Old Ones by Joe Cocker – "With a Little Help From My Friends".

Dialogue Disasters -

Eminem: They couldn’t even fork out a couple of bucks to make Ushabti representations of themselves to be buried with me, the cheapskates!

Doctor: Peri, why don’t you and Mr Matthews go into the storeroom and have a rummage around? Have a nice good old rummage? While I watch? Would that be creepy?

Matthews: If you expect to survive the night... alive!
Peri: Do you expect us to survive the night dead?
Matthews: Well. No. That would admittedly be very difficult. But not impossible!
Peri: Ahem.
Matthews:OK, I’m talking bollocks now, I’m sorry.

Narrator: Everyone will die, there will be nothing but death!
Doctor: I’ve heard this so often before, plans for conquest, domination, death on a scale that few can comprehend. Flip the disc already.

Dialogue Triumphs -

Eminem: When I was a child, we were told about the white pyramid, where the greatest evil was meant to sleep. And if you see it, it means it will take your soul. And if you mess with me, you’ll BEG for the white pyramid to steal your essence before I’m finished with you!

Doctor: Ah, so you're the infamous Old Ones!
Peri: Er, so who are these Old Ones really then?
Doctor: They're just your run-of-the-mill generic planet-hopping villains that get engrained into human myth because of how awful they were. But only HP Lovecraft thought they were cool enough to write about. The little crawler.

Peri describes the Doctor -
"He worries about several things a minute, forgets an equal amount every hour, figures out the solution to a problem before he even knows what the question is, and only realises things before it’s too late when he knows there’s enough time to fix them. And he looks great in those tight white pants when he bends over. Still not sure about the celery thought."

Doctor: Technically speaking, some kind of parasitic life form. You’re simply stranded on the earth and annoyed at being outwitted, I mean, for god’s sake - the Old Ones?! The Old Gods?! Is that the BEST you can do?
Narrator: Sadly, yes.

Viewer Quotes -

"I listened to the first three episodes and decided Peter Davison would never, ever capture the sense of awe and magic of the Doctor like Colin Baker did... He is too quiet and unassuming, and doesn’t strangle people with his bare hands. He uses a cricket bat as though he is embarrassed to be involved with a science-fiction show. Don’t get me wrong, he’s not as shit as McCoy. But unless Colin Baker was in this, I would rather drink sulfuric acid than praise this story."
- Jo Ford (2004)

"I love cricket! Any story that mentions my favourite sport automatically draws me in - and I find it difficult to dislike. Thus the teaser, with its possibility of a cricket match drew me in, and made me anticipate this story more than most. Cricket is like Doctor Who too. It's fine to watch, excellent even. It also works magnificently well on audio, thanks to the vocal talents of Radio 5 Live team! Only the promise of a cricket match, and its subsequent no play, was disappointing." - Cricket Lust Weekly (2004)

"Eminem is a key that unleashes all sorts of powerful things upon the world, huh? Another rip off of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I’m SO glad I wasted fifty fucking bucks on this CD. I could have made this at home by watching episode one of Perriot Costume of Death, episode two of Kinda, and all of The Ambulatory. But then, I do that a lot. Stupid bootleg DVDs..." - Andrew Beeblebrox (2007)

"The Fifth Doctor and Peri? The Seventh Doctor and Benny more like! Joining these two charming anomalies is Eminem. Dear old Eminem. Dear, old, boring Eminem. Dear, old, boring, useless, get the idea, yes?" - Jane Seymor (2003)

"Why am I not just waxing lyrical about it all? Because the script is highly derivative. And when we’re talking about derivative, I know where of I speak. The script reeks of fanwank, written by a man who clearly does fancy himself as a world expert and someone who clearly thinks he knows what Doctor Who is and what it isn't. Sorry, I thought we were talking about me again. The fact is, The Spoof of the World is clearly romanticizing the Troughton, Pertwee and Tom Baker eras, which makes any serious fan of any age squirm. Of course, by 'any serious fan' I mean of course myself. If you’re got nothing better to do, then don’t listen to this shit, come along to my website and admire my incredible creative gift with stories like ‘The Cyberman Masterplan’ and ‘The Revenge of the Rani’! RTD HAS NOTHING ON MY GENIUS!!"
- Ron Mallet (2005)

Psychotic Nostalgia -
"It's pleasant but not gripping, like when restraints are slippery from the previous victim’s blood. Speaking of which, I have... church matters to attend to. Well, a vicar to bury. Same thing."

Peter Davison Speaks!
"I don’t have a favorite Big Finish play – maybe the fans do. But the one I worked hardest on would have to be The Spoof of the World, the one with all the Lovecraft Gods hiding in the Himalayas. Those creatures whose mere existence drove those of sound mind to insanity. What horrors lurk in the void beyond this sphere? Fear is what it’s all about, isn’t it? Fear of the unknown. And the only way to fight that fear is with bland indifference. I went right back to my roots as an actor for that – well, you’ve got to, every now and then."

Nicola Bryant Speaks!
"People keep suggesting that it’s harder to play Peri on audio because you can’t see my tits. Luckily, the magic of technology means there are lots of bouncy sound effects, so I don’t have run up and down the same corridor in pink Lycra pants."

Caroline Morris Speaks!
"Eminem really kicks some pinko butt in this story. It was cool in Necrophilia, but in Spoof of the World, she REALLY opens a can of whup-ass. She also has a cool pair of shades, like Trinity in The Matrix, and adds a bit of black leather to the Raj!"

Rumors & Facts -

There better Doctor Who stories featuring the Great Old Ones, and better Doctor Who stories featuring the Himalayas, and better Doctor Who stories featuring the Great Narrator and the Tellytubbies, and better stories featuring the Fifth Doctor, Peri and Eminem.

August 2004 was a bleak time for Big Finish. For over three years they had dominated Doctor Who fandom simply through them having the original Doctor Who actors and all other spin offs being totally shit. But suddenly, and terribly, RTD and his minions at the BBC had kicked Big Finish metaphorically (and, at some points, quite literally) in the balls until they fell over and begged for mercy.

Everyone was talking about Doctor Who 2005, and suffering a nervous breakdown as more and more fans abandoned Big Finish to start hanging around internet forums to slag off Billie Piper (even more so once she was linked with Doctor Who) Gay Russell remembered simpler times.

In particular, he remembered the heady days of 1992 when Doctor Who hadn’t officially ended, the NAs were treated with something vaguely approaching interest, and Adrian Vole was trying to film Lost in the Dork Dimension.

The Dork Dimension was an epic BBC TV movie to celebrate the thirtieth anniversary of Doctor Who, featuring the retcon that Tom Baker never left and he, Ace, the Brigadier, Benny Summerfield and Sting fought Brian Blessed and armies of Dustbins, Cybermen, Ice Cream Vendors, Snotarans and Tellytubbies. After five second cameos of the other Doctors generally being ineffectual and crap, the Fourth Doctor would engage in a boxing match with Brian Blessed and finally keel over after defeating his foe, and regenerate again and again until he became Sylvester McCoy and the whole story turned out to be a dream.

Russell had been a staunch supporter of this for some reason, as was Nicholas Briggs (though he suggested the regeneration sequence end with a new Doctor ideally played by a bald, toothbrush-wielding maniac answering to the name of Nicholas Briggs).

However, the BBC cancelled it and instead inflicted "3-Dimensions In Lime" on the public, and act they have denied intensely ever since and refuse point blank to allow the thing to be released on DVD. After illegally downloading it, I can only agree with the BBC policy.

Meanwhile Vole, a broken man, set out to write The Doctors: The Definitive History of Doctor Who, which by cruel happenstance was torn to pieces by the critics after he forgot to put in Season Seventeen and Eighteen, and faked an interview with William Hartnell (the clue was the fact the fact Hartnell was scathing of the 1996 TV Movie and wholeheartedly endorsed The Dork Dimension as "proper television").

Similar claims were made about his ‘exclusive’ interview with Stanley Kubrick, in which it was revealed that Eyes Wide Shut was entirely based on a 1977 Tom Baker episode of Doctor Who entitled The Mask of Zorro, and that The Dork Dimension was the finest film ever made.

Anthony Ferwin, a close friend of Kubrick, knew how secretive and personal a man he was, accused Vole of faking the interview, but Vole claimed to have a tape recorded conversation with Ferwin. The conversation ostensibly had Ferwin apologizing for doubting the incredible journalistic genius Vole undoubtedly possessed, and that The Dork Dimension could wipe the floor with Citizen Kane.

TV Times later fired Vole, despite the fact he said he owned hundreds of copies that publicly praised his genius, but tragically had been printed on dried anthrax, and thus could not be released to the general public.

Vole was also responsible for The Doctors: The Definitive History of Doctor Who direct-to-video essay which featured three old farts banging on about how William Hartnell (and later Patrick Troughton) was shagging their wives behind their backs, and later had both Jon Pertwee and Peter Davison demand Doctor Who never be allowed on air if Vole was allowed to write for it, while Sylvester McCoy and Sophie Aldred ran for their lives and abandoned their interview.

Vole released the video again, with the unflattering material removed on the grounds that he had plenty of written material to attest that everyone involved not only thought the documentary was brilliant and much better than '30 Years In The TARDIS', but that Jon Pertwee and Peter Davison were actually begging to BBC to let him finish filming The Dork Dimension and that Peter Davison’s comment "Vole is CRAP!" was nothing but an urban myth.

Back in 2004 and shuddering in nostalgia, Russell wrote to Vole and begged him to turn The Dork Dimension into a Big Finish audio, somehow thinking this story would revitalize the franchise and defeat the BBC forever.

The fact the BBC cancelled The Dork Dimension as ‘shite of the first order’ and asked Phillip Seagull to make a movie instead, was quietly forgotten by all concerned. Including Paul McGann. Especially after Vole announced he’s found a memo saying the BBC felt almost 'suicidal' over canceling the greatest work in history.

Vole, not wanting to seem too eager to work for Big Finish, immediately burst into the studios minutes after he was commissioned, saying he had a brilliant idea for an audio – the Sixth Doctor and Evelyn meeting the occultist, poet and mountaineer Stephen Fry... and then trapping him in a mountain cave for eternity.

Russell pretended he had misheard Vole completely and instead commissioned a Fifth Doctor/Peri/Eminem story a sequel to the Troughton era Tellytubby trilogy – The Adorable Tellytubbies, The Tub of Cute, and The Lair of MacCrimmon (unfilmed) which riffed on shape-shifting villains and the weird ‘afterlife dream sequences’ of the previous two Eminem stories The Axis of Banality and Necrophilia. It should also unashamedly plagiarize The Crawling Eye.

Cast as the Great Narrator was Edward de Souza, the sinister swarthy Mediterranean chap who famously portrayed the ruthless womanizing secret agent Max McCoy Starkiller in Pissin On The Unknown, and also the Transuranic Being in Sapphire and Steel that smacked the titular time detectives down so hard they were imprisoned in another dimension altogether.

Recording went well and things seemed vaguely OK until Vole announced that the Cult of Cthulu was after his blood for 'exposing the truth' and then ran into the Associated Newspapers' archive with a sack and a sawn-off water pistol and shouted for the terrified cast to hand over 56, 000 pictures into said sack.

Vole would have gotten away with it too if he hadn’t immediately sold all the pictures on eBay for 75 GPD.

He was arrested in minutes and found guilty when he pleaded guilty to 'taking possession of them innocently'. Judge Diva Pillbox told Vole: "In my judgment you are a thief, a cheat and it seems to me, on the evidence I have heard, a man lacking in courage."

Vole later said that the press had misinterpreted the comment and handed over his own notes which had the Judge compliment Vole on "cunningly, deliberately and systematically ingratiated himself with library staff in order to get privileged access to the archive to plunder it for his own admirable greed" and also opinioned that "the Dork Dimension is a pinnacle of television and it physically sickens me that the BBC cancelled it".

His lawyer’s quotes that Vole was 'facing the loss of his good character and possibly his career in what was nothing less than a dramatic fall from grace' were also revealed to be "taken out of context" and that really it was 'a travesty of justice, as he is a saint who should be paid damages of at least 75 thousand million billion pounds' and 'The Dork Dimension is FANTASTIC!'

The news sent shockwaves into the Doctor Who community:

"Should The Spoof of the World be scrapped? Are BF still going to release an audio written by a convicted criminal? I for one won't be buying it!" – Nigel Verkoff

"You NEVER buy the audios, Nigel, you mug people who buy them at convention and steal whatever merchandise they buy!" – Dave Restal

"Pah! Semantics, Restal! Semantics and nothing else!" – Nigel Verkoff

"For what it's worth, my friends, I own works by Oscar Wilde, Charlie Parker, Billie Holliday, Roman Polanski and Ken Dodd so I'd be being one major hypocrite to not buy it on the grounds of the author having a criminal conviction. Charles Mason’s music career, though, never fully appealed to me for some reason. James Brown on the other hand... " – Andrew Beeblebrox

"The fact remains that he should not be allowed to profit from his crimes!" – Nigel Verkoff

"Is The Spoof of the World a crime?" – Eve Markson

"You obviously haven’t listened to it yet, have you?" – Gay Russell

"Whatever happened to forgive and forget?" – Katy January

"John Howard, wasn’t it?" – Dave Restal

"There’s nothing wrong with being a thief, and all I can say is that I didn't have a bad childhood, and was raised by a despicable pair of human beings who had the unmitigated nerve to fill my head with nonsense about right and wrong. Now if you'd all like to e-mail me your addresses and suggest a time when you'll be out, I'll drop by and help myself to anything nice you've got on offer. And murder your cats, if you have some." – MLock

"I don’t want my soul besmirched, so I've smashed up my TV and stereo as well, just to be on the safe side. And I'm not leaving the house in case I bump into any criminals and accidentally give them the time of day. I've broken all my mirrors as well... I nicked some change from my Mum's purse when I was 8. I wouldn't want to be a bad example to myself. Just going to sit here veeeery quietly... Rocking slowly... Veeery slowly." – Maurice de Lacey

"Fucking hell, Maurice. Did you watch The Omen again? I’ve warned you about that! Christ, it’ll be weeks before he calms down!" – Dave Restal

"Now, now, you people. Keep it civil. This isn’t a Star Trek forum, you know." – Shaun Lyon

In the final analysis, The Spoof of the World was yet ANOTHER load of rubbish by a new writer – the gimmick of Big Finish 2004. Adrian Vole needs to stick to writing outlandish proposals for things that never get made, and leave Big Finish - and us - alone. Please. For the love of God, please...


Recently, Adrian Vole announced that this entry has been corrupted by some kind of computer error, and that he had luckily saved a copy of the original, which ended in THIS paragraph:

"Adrian Vole needs to write far more Big Finish material until RTD accepts that he is the only choice to be allowed to be in charge of television Doctor Who, and also finally produce The Dork Dimension."

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