Monday, September 21, 2009

5th Doctor - The Church and the Crown

Serial 6Q/C – Doctor Who Wrecks Disney World
Doctor Who Wrecks Disney World
An Alternate Programme Guide by Ewen Campion-Clarke
An Extract From The EC Unauthorized Programme Guide O' Mickey Mouse

Serial 6Q/C – Doctor Who Wrecks Disney World -

Having kidnapped psychotic mass-murdering almost-Pharaoh Eminem from her coronation ceremony on the basis of Peri's knowledge of Egyptian monarchs, the Doctor finds himself nearly being knifed to death by his latest travelling companion.

Desperately, he offers Eminem a trip to Disney World. The thought of a land filled with gift shops and anthropomorphic household pets intrigues Eminem and she allows the Doctor to set the TARDIS for California, 1996.

Now dressed in suitable Hawaiian shirts, sunglasses and with instamatik cameras, the Doctor, Peri and Eminem walk the streets. Peri suspects they are being watched, possibly because of the huge foam hands the Doctor has forced them all to wear in order to resemble typical 1990s American tourists.

However, to the Doctor's disappointment, glass windows are not enough to impress Eminem and she finds Goofy unsatisfying – what kind of animal IS he, anyway?!?

Leaving the Doctor to talk his way out of this particular predicament, Peri wanders off her own. Unfortunately, she is captured by Donald Duck – actually Antoine, her former boyfriend she accidentally dumped in 1984, who kidnaps her and runs off quacking to himself.

Looking for Peri, the Doctor and Eminem instead hear the sound of conflict, gunfire, and Peri's screams for help – such typical, everyday noises that neither initially think anything can be wrong. Instead, Eminem decides to creep up on Pumba and knife him to death.

The Doctor suggests that, you know, slaughtering badly-trained actors in furry suits may not be the most inconspicuous way to infiltrate Disney World but gets a sharp kick in the groin for his troubles. Unfortunately, Pumba has escaped into the crowd and so Eminem decides to pick a fight with a ticket booth attendant who is, unsurprisingly, looking at her funny.

Antoine dumps the gagged Peri in his locker room, having collected her in order to prove to co-worker Sam that he DID go out with the hottest MTV video jockey of the 1980s. Peri confirms this and demands to be let go, but Antoine and Sam refuse. Instead, they head for Pumba (or Bobby as she's known) and decide to get her opinion over whether or not Antoine is in fact a chronic liar.

Meanwhile, the Doctor and Eminem have been captured by Mouseketeers and taken to the Head of Disney World, a man in a Bugs Bunny outfit. Eminem claims diplomatic immunity as she is Pharaoh of Egypt, and Bugs – whose geography past Alabama is very sketchy – completely believes her and her explanation that the Doctor is her "bitch". They are thus let go and the Doctor decides to go to Porky Pig and ask him if he's seen Peri. Porky confirms this and explains she has been locked in the changing rooms for the price of a bag of cheese dust.

The Doctor goes to collect Peri, telling Eminem to try and find a gift she wants – maybe a license plate with her name on it, or something. Eminem takes this the wrong way and starts slashing car tires in her search for "MNM-522".

The Time Lord is mistaken for a W.G. Grace impersonator and assumed to be there for Antoine to unveil his lover, Perpuguilliam Brown – only to find she's scarpered, leaving a sign with a sign saying I'M WITH STUPID and an arrow pointing at Antoine. The Mouseketeers refuse to chase after her, as they are terrified of the fact that Eminem is stalking the streets, maiming anyone she encounters.

Antoine tries to use the Doctor's testimonial as proof that Peri WAS kidnapped by a time-travelling alien in a police box and DIDN'T just dump him on Lazarote. The crowd don't believe it. Just then, a series of explosions fills the air.

Eminem has discovered a cache of grenades and is on the rampage!

At the last moment, Yosemite Sam saves the Doctor from being lynched – it is, in fact, Peri in a cunning disguise. They flee the changing rooms just as Bug Bunny decides to call of the afternoon's fireworks display for the first time ever – as Eminem has somehow gained control of a passing tank and is trying to invade Disney World in the name of the Egyptian Empire.

The Doctor and Peri decide to flee back to the TARDIS and chalk this one down to experience. Forced into the storm drains as Eminem destroys Pirates of the Caribbean ride, the time travelers try to find sanctuary but instead encounter Antoine, now insane with sexual frustration.

As the last moment, the roof gives way and Eminem and her tank fall through street level and crush Antoine into pulp. The Doctor is delighted to see her and asks if the holiday's going all right. Eminem had got rid of a lot of tension and happily agrees to be taken to another amusement arcade which she can destroy at her leisure.

The Doctor and Peri smile and return to the TARDIS with their new companion – who promptly drop-kicks both of them for being so bloody patronizing around her.

Book(s)/Other Related -
Doctor Who – A Whore With No Name
Dr. Who Versus Disneyland 2: This Time It's Serious
Worst Case Scenario (EuroDisney)

Goofs -
Why has it not been apparent previously to the Doctor that Peri might have left an incredibly frustrated boyfriend in Lanzarote?

The Doctor identifies Bugs Bunny as a post-modern cultural icon, which is a total lie – the 2007 commission into Disney instead chose Bugs Bunny as the best positive homosexual role model of the last century.

Fashion Victims -
The Doctor's "subtle" disguises. The horror.

Links and References -
The Doctor reminisces about the naughty historical companions he could have had if he'd lowered his standards during The Cruel Sades.

Untelevised Misadventures -
The Third Doctor and UNIT deal with the aftermath of this adventure, when it becomes apparent that Kimba the White Lion is, in fact, the Bastard in disguise.

Groovy DVD Extras -
A rather dull feature about longtime Who fan Ellen Speculum, the woman who hoses out the Disney World boysuits after each delightful 12-hour shift in 105-degree swampland.

Dialogue Disasters -

Antoine: Do you smell it in the air, men? Victory!
Bobby: Smells like the sewers are playing up to me.
Antoine: No, not THAT smell! The smell of victory! It's in our grasp!
Bobby: You certain it's not the plumbing?

Doctor: The universe is full of Disneylands. Keeps everything ticking along nicely. MAD Magazine made a career out of it, although I'm not sure how that helps us now.

Antoine: I'm talking about victory! It's so tangible I can almost
touch it with my bare hands!
Bobby: Er, that's what 'tangible' means...
Antoine: Does it?
Bobby: Yeah.
Antoine: Ah, who cares?

Dialogue Triumphs -

"You are very sexy, Peri. Are you wearing a bra under there?"
Not so disastrous given that this line comes from Eminem.

Ellen: It's never wise to creep up on a Mouseketeer, especially one with the wit, guile, sartorial elegance and charming good looks of Rene Zellwegger!
Antoine: Then it's a good thing we crept up on YOU, eh, Ellen?

Doctor: You know, Walt Disney has a lot to answer for!

Eminem: What a way to work up an appetite: kill giant talking animals, throw exploding eggs at fake pirates and slashing car tires! This is so much better than it looks in the brochures!

Bugs: If you give me six lines written by the most honest man, I can still find a spelling mistake in them.

Antoine: Softly... softly... catchy... Peri...

Viewer Quotes -

"You know, if I was casting someone as Bugs Bunny, Rik Mayall would not be the first name on my list. I'd've preferred something a bit less frothy. Sorry, that was my coffee I was talking about."
- Damian Sanchez (2000)

"I can only count on one hand how many times Doctor Who has gone even close to this story type before. But even Paris Sucks left France with some semblance of dignity."
- French Tourist Board (1982)

"As an historical drama Doctor Who Wrecks Disney World is great entertainment. It made me laugh, it drew me into its fantastic world. It's not a production that is out to teach a great deal, but it's one that will always be welcome. I hated Fern Gully."
- David Stratton (2004)

"I hated this story, which wasn't even merely a re-hash of every Doctor Who historical ever made. It actually brings something FRESH to the mix, which no sane man can enjoy. Russell Stoned's music is total shite and completely inappropriate. Rik Mayall provides the worst performance in Doctor Who history as the clearly constipated Bugs Bunny. But you know what I really hated? Peter bloody Davison, that's what! The total Gallifreyan dullard is far too soft, sitting back and letting his companions have all the fun destroying America's foremost (for want of a better term) cultural icon! This pales in comparison to other Big Finish releases – especially those that DON'T feature Peter Davison!"
- Jo Ford Prefect (2003)

Psychotic Nostalgia -
"I should sue Big Finish! This was just like my last vacation – only with less tanks."

Peter Davison Speaks!
"One of the few stories I actually enjoyed was my final one, The Phantom of Androzani. Now, it looks like that will never have happened, and I'm stuck with a VJ and a psychotic Pharaoh for company... Yup, the Fifth Doctor's future is looking pretty cool indeed!"

Nicola Bryant Speaks!
"I liked how we finally went back and dealt with the aftermath of Peri's disappearance, I mean – we're supposed to believe that she didn't already have a boyfriend in 1984 Lanzarote?? Who are you kidding! I also enjoyed Caroline as Eminem – she really takes the edge off Peri being the whiner who gets captured and screams"

Caroline Morris Speaks!
"Using a tank to gun down Disney characters... the crowning moment of my acting career. The Little Mermaid is a hell of a lot littler now!"

Rumors & Facts -

When given the option between penning a 'pure' historical adventure with Eminem stealing a tank and trying to destroy Disney World, or writing a story where the Bastard eats dinner with his two pals, Cavan Scott & Mark Wright didn't even bother to answer.

As great fans of Peter Davison's Doctor and Eminem in general, they even engineered Rowan Atkinson's Necrophilia to be postponed just so they could do the first story with Eminem shooting Looney Tunes characters with a real uzi machine gun.

The duo's adventure was duly announced by Big Finish as The Mouseketeers Get Nine Colours Of Shit Kicked Out Of Them, then as Eminem Blows Up Euro-Disney in France, then The Fucked Mascot, but Scott believed that the final title, Doctor Who Wrecks Disney World was more direct and made up the curious acronym DWWDW.

First and foremost in the authors' minds was to have an adventure which, while dangerous, traumatizing and psychologically scarring, DID feature Bugs Bunny getting what was coming to him.

This fast-paced historical comedy, mixing together sociological intrigue and bikini girls with machine guns was one of the most popular non-McGann non-Shearman releases Big Finish ever made, and rekindled hope for the whole franchise. I myself even considered buying it.

For a short time.

No comments: