Monday, September 21, 2009

5th Doctor - The Kingmaker

Serial 6Q/I – Doctor Who Discovers The Bloody Mystery In The Bloody Tower Of Bloody Secrets
An Alternate Programme Guide by Ewen Campion-Clarke
An Extract From The EC Unauthorized Programme Guide O' Subtext? What Subtext?

Serial 6Q/I – Doctor Who Discovers The Bloody Mystery In The Bloody Tower Of Bloody Secrets -

A nine-foot tall robot with glowing eyes from the 64th century suddenly appears inside the TARDIS. It explains it is from an all-powerful monolithic company that owns all authors throughout history, a company spoken of in whispers, known only by the blood-chilling name of "W.H. Allen Publishing Ltd".

The robot demands the Doctor write a ground-breaking a profound factual book series for children under the generic title of "Doctor Who Discovers" including "Doctor Who Discovers Dinosaurs", "Doctor Who Discovers Space Travel", "Doctor Who Discovers Prehistoric Animals", "Doctor Who Discovers Strange And Mysterious Creatures", "Doctor Who Discovers Early Man", "Doctor Who Discovers Conquerors", "Doctor Who Discovers Inventors", "Doctor Who Discovers Pirates", "Doctor Who Discovers Miners", "Doctor Who Discovers Car Park Attendants", "Doctor Who Discovers Post-Feminist Politics", "Doctor Who Discovers Marijuana Cigarettes", "Doctor Who Discovers Radiohead" and "Doctor Who Discovers Historical Mysteries For Dummies".

The Doctor reverses the polarity of the neutron flow and blows the robot to smithereens. He then kicks the remains around the console room, furious that anyone would take seriously the claims he made in his Third Incarnation when he turned up drunk on Parkinson that he was a noted novelty cookbook author. Once again his chance at stardom at the expense of the Official Secrets Act and grey hairs for Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart have gone wrong and seriously pissed him off.

To cool off, the Doctor pilots the TARDIS to London, 1597 for the opening night of Richard III. There, he, Peri and Eminem suffer the excruciatingly bad performance of a bunch of talentless transvestites who can’t stick to the script or remain professional with the hecklers.

It turns out the Doctor has visited the opening night because it descended into the biggest actor-audience punch-up for a thousand years, allowing Eminem to snap people’s arms for a laugh, and for Peri to completely spoil the plot of the play – which ultimately reveals what caused the historic brawl, as the audience were furious when a mouthy American bint spoil the plot.

As the bodies are carried out afterwards, the TARDIS crew meet William Shakespeare – a sinister man dressed completely in black with dark eyes, a murderous expression and a little pointed beard – to discuss the public reaction to the new play over some pints.

Eminem dubs the play "a reactionist military pamphlet lacking any real heroes" and thus has her hearty approval, especially when she believes the whole thing is just a propaganda-fueled smear campaign on the previous ruling dynasty to establish a firmer grasp on the populace.

Shakespeare admits that, now he thinks of it, he didn’t actually do any research on Richard III, so his tale of a psychotic and deformed
Richard killing just about everyone on his rise to power before being hacked to pieces on Bosworth Field by Henry Tudor, who stakes his flimsy claim to the English throne MIGHT not be historically accurate.

The Doctor points out that Henry Tudor was a pathological liar who rewrote his official biography fifteen times, and no one really knows if he was actually an ex-Vanir engineer who got flung back in time from an exploding space engine that jump-started the second big bang, or simply KNEW an ex-Vanir engineer who got flung back in time and decided it was a nifty identity to pull chicks.

It strikes the TARDIS crew that, unless Ben Elton, Richard Curtis and Rowan Atkinson really DID know what the hell they were writing about, a huge chunk of British history exists as nothing more than Shakespeare’s snuff-movie tale based on a story that happened to an ancestor of an ancestor of his.

The Doctor informs Shakespeare that he is a complete hack and if the Time Lord ever actually bothered to READ any of the plays rather than books of witty quotes, he dare say he would find the author’s reputation as a man capable of such profound insight, such a knack with words and such a talent for describing the human condition is actually such an utter nincompoop?

"Dramatic license is no excuse!" he shouts, then falls over and is sick.

The groggy and drunken TARDIS crew head back to the time machine and decide to visit 1485 and drag Shakespeare along to show him that he should do his research before slandering royalty! Didn’t he learn ANYTHING from that book about Princess Diana?

Shakespeare offers to add the expression "The characters in Richard III are not based on any real people, living or dead" to the theatre program, but the Doctor insists that he wants to prove the point. The Richard III of the play apparently murdered two young princes in the Tower of London, but opinion is divided on the subject to the point would be intellectuals dub it "the biggest historical mystery of all time", neatly missing more obvious riddles... like how George Bush got elected. Twice.

The TARDIS arrives in 1485 and the Doctor stumbles out determined to find a pub in the firm belief that if Richard III DID kill the princes, he’d need a stiff drink and a sympathetic ear – so the first person who can tell them MUST be a bartender.

Unfortunately, the Doctor forgot to engage the vortex look handbrake and the TARDIS slips back another two years, so when Peri, Eminem and Shakespeare emerge, they find themselves in Buckinghamshire 1483! Yes, once again, the TARDIS has fucked up at an inconvenient moment! I know! UNBELIEVABLE!

Peri and Eminem look for the Doctor and find an unconscious boy under a tree and decide to take him to the nearby village and hopefully get some kind of finder’s fee from the family, leaving Shakespeare to be quietly sick in a bush.

At that point, two men enter the clearing – a gritty Northern man in a leather jacket and big ears called Richard, Duke of Gloucester, and his bumbling side-kick, Henry, Duke of Buckingham. They heard the sound of the arriving TARDIS and assumed that they were about to attacked by the Woodvilles – the family of the Queen of England who want to ensure the teenaged future King of England is kept firmly under their control, a teenager Richard and Henry have volunteered to protect him on his trip to London for reason quite simply too boring to go into here.

Shakespeare realizes that Richard of Glouchester is destined to become Richard III and with a drunken laugh reveals he is a wise time-traveler from the future, who wants to give counsel to Richard and certainly not some kind of demon for them to burn.

Shakespeare explains that Richard is destined to be King, but only if he kills the two Princes – otherwise Richard would end up dying in jail while the whole English Monarchy comes crashing down.

"Fantastic," Richard deadpans.

Richard, Henry and Shakespeare head back to a tavern as Shakespeare tries to impress them with his comedic soothsayer act, which turns out to be as irritating and unhelpful as any English school child knows. After agreeing to load the TARDIS onto the cart and take him with them to London, the playwright shuts the hell up for five seconds.

No sooner do they enter the tavern then some trooper explains the future King has legged it out the bedroom window, only for Peri and Eminem arrive carrying the unconscious boy – which kills the mood rather, but at least prevents the episode being padded out with a pointless search party sequence.

Peri and Eminem take the Prince to his bedroom to tend to his injuries when Eminem points out that this is clearly one of the Princes that Richard III was supposed to have killed, so they’re wasting their time trying to keep the spotty twerp alive.

To prove her point, Eminem reaches down the boy’s underwear and snaps something off... to discover it was metal! Eminem concludes that the boy is really some kind of android assassin sent back in time to destabilize known history. But, at a pinch, it’s just possible that "Edward" is a girl and used fake metal genitals to pretend otherwise since, in this delicate political situation, having a teenage girl take over from a suddenly dead King might not have worked.

Peri and Eminem agree that it’s far more likely he’s an android, before legging it out the window and, three days later, finally reaching London and finding no sign of the Doctor, the TARDIS, or Shakespeare. What’s more, Peri finally realizes that since they’re in 1483, it will be two years before the Doctor turns up at the same pub, and even if they get some kind of way to communicate with him, he’ll be far too drunk to help them!

Peri and Eminem realize they’ll have to sit out the next two years and decide to become serving wenches at the pub they were supposed to meet the Doctor. It’s disgusting, filth-stained, rat-infested hellhole of perversion, degradation and corruption... but they’ll get paid time and a half! At least, that’s what the bartender agrees to after Eminem breaks his arm.

Having discovered the same detachable-body-part secret of the prince as Eminem, Richard goes quietly loopy and over the course of an action filled montage returns to London; arrests people without reason, then immediately lets them go; executes some loyal friends of the old King; and has the hungover Shakespeare conducting a press conference with some of the finest gossips in England – including "Lincolnshire Tattletale", "Wessex Busybody", "The Irish Racist" and The Chaser Team.

The late King Edward IV’s marriage has been declared null and void, therefore the princes are bastards, therefore they are not eligible to take the throne, therefore SOMEONE has to be the King of England and Richard is probably the right person for the job. And if there’s civil war, well... WHO CARES?! WHO THE FUCK CARES?! I DON’T!

Jesus Christ, I have to put up with shit about Richard III at school, in plays, on TV, now this shithouse Doctor Who plot! I DON’T CARE IF HE MURDERED THE PRINCES OR NOT! They’re all dead and beyond caring too! So what if Richard III was really a mass-murdering bastard or whether he was a puppy-loving chocolate whore? TIME HAS FLOWED BY!!!

So, forgetting this stupid royal family fanwank, Richard refuses to crown himself King until he has captured Peri and Eminem as his court handmaidens and by incredible coincidence, pops into the same pub as they happen to be working. Richard offers them a job at court and, in the confused impression the gritty northern pretender wants to be their pimp, they agree... only to discover they have been made permanent babysitters to the Princes.

Eminem is so pissed off she vows to kill them herself and Henry agrees, perhaps because the Princes are the only people that could be used to topple Richard from the throne or perhaps he just really likes the idea of a hot girl Pharaoh indulging in infanticide?

However, when they arrive at the Tower of London where the Princes are kept, Shakespeare is sitting on the stairs with a loaded Cyber-rifle and fires laser beams at the pair, explaining that he wants Richard to murder the Princes himself, so he gets his hands dirty and, above all else, makes sure the Bard’s portrayal is completely accurate.

Shakespeare and Henry decide to get Peri and Eminem to free the Princes, then they kill Peri and Eminem and convince Richard to murder the Princes, and Henry can take the throne! Well, he could if Shakespeare hadn’t got drunk and already told Richard that Henry was going to betray him, but it was nothing personal: the play’s the thing!

At this point Peri loudly shouts that they’re standing RIGHT in front of her and she can hear all their evil plots.

So Shakespeare suggests they shoot Peri and Eminem right away.

The time travelers flee into the castle as Eminem bitches loudly at her companion’s complete and soul-destroying stupidity. They arrive at the Prince’s rooms to find Richard there, shaving with a sonic screwdriver and explaining the Princes are already gone and he’s going to have them murdered instead.

But, on a whim, decides not to. You know, the way characters do 180 degree plot shifts because the author is too busy trying to be clever and typing with one hand to make an actual STORY out of this "aren’t-I-cleverness".

Finally realizing how screwed he is, Henry snatches the Cyber-rifle, shoots Shakespeare in the foot and runs for his life to find a new life for himself in Cardiff, perhaps as a paranormal detective agency of oversexed amateurs?

The limping Shakespeare hops up to Richard, swearing loudly, and soon his language is even more colorful as the gritty northerner orders the playwright to be dragged to the cells and tortured to death.

In 1485, the Doctor finds the owner of the tavern, Clarrie, is even more drunk with him and far too busy dancing on tables and vomiting over his customers to give any kind of helpful information, and soon meets the bar staff who replaced Peri and Eminem: Judith and Susan, who try to sell him souvenir mugs from the aborted attempt to put one of the Princes on the throne.

The Doctor is mildly puzzled as to how the hell seventeenth century taverns got the idea of collectors items, tea towels, mugs, and dividing the pub in carousing and non-carousing areas. Quite like the audience, who are now realizing they could have spent that $44.95 on something more useful. Like heroin.

The Doctor is outright AMAZED that the Princes were not murdered in the tower at all, but are clearly alive and well, playing tennis and possessing surprisingly long hair, large breasts and foreign accents for boys their age.

The Doctor shakes his head. He may be hungover, but if HE can recognize the Princes in the Tower as his companions, how come the entirety of London haven’t noticed?! Just then a man arrives and after a long, tedious and dull conversation explains he is the Royal High Concussor and the duties of having to concuss people at the behest of the King, the Doctor beats HIMSELF unconscious to escape this horrible and doomed attempt at "humor".

The Doctor wakes up in a dungeon in the Tower of London next to Henry who was stupid enough to attempt to lead a rebellion against Richard with a bunch of bisexual cowardly assholes with superiority complex. This New Welsh Army failed spectacularly and now Henry is dying in a dungeon, though according to Shakespeare’s play he really should have died a year ago.

Henry attempts to make up for lost time and drops dead right away.

At that moment Richard III enters, and plays a strange mind game involving asking the Doctor completely pointless questions the Time Lord would not know the answer to but the audience finds contemptibly easy since he’s being pointlessly cryptic and enigmatic about the last three episodes!

Richard quickly gets bored and reveals that Clarrie the pub landlord is his less-famous brother, George the Duke of Clarence who just so happens to have two ‘nieces’ who just so happen to be the exact same age as the two Princes who just so happen to have mysteriously vanished at the exact same time that Clarrie just happened to have two jobs going for his ‘nieces’.

The Doctor moans he’s rather hungover for all this Miss Marple bollocks, so can he just tell the story already?!

Just then, Clarrie, Judith and Susan burst into the cell, having engaged in a detailed rescue plan that could only have been done by people with local knowledge of the Tower of London and all the two-way entrances and escape routes.

The Doctor still doesn’t get it when Shakespeare bursts in, having hypnotized his guards and also taken prisoner Peri and Eminem, who had finally exhausted all the sexual positions they knew and were on the verge of committing suicide just out of dramatic irony, what with THEM really being the Princes in the Tower!

William Shakespeare reveals he is NOT the world’s most renowned playwright, master of words, dramatic arts and poetry, but he is, in fact...

...the BASTARD!

Hence the beard, ray guns, hypnosis, time meddling and all round evil stuff he gets up to. The Bastard explains huffily that he DOES have a life outside of attempting to conquer the entire universe, becoming emperor of chaos and killing his arch rival the Doctor.

"Such as?" asks Eminem, unimpressed.

The Bastard reveals that he and the real William Shakespeare are the best of friends and while Shakespeare is two-timing his wife for anything in and out of trousers in Olde London Town, the Bastard covers for him at the Globe.

However, when the Doctor unwittingly dragged him aboard the TARDIS, the Bastard just felt odd being at a crucial point in history with lots of unsavory memorabilia from Dustbin and Cyber invasions and NOT using them for pure evil purposes. Unfortunately, not only was Richard III NOT responsible for the death of the Princes in the tower, they weren’t even princes but princesses called Judith and Susan!

"Wow," the Doctor muses, finally getting it.

All in all, it looks like this whole trip to the late fifteenth century was a complete waste of time and the Bastard’s attempts to pervert the course of history and/or make the Shakespearean play factually correct, he decides to take Richard III into the future to play himself on stage in second (and far less fatal) performance of the Bard’s works.

The Doctor wails that he’ll do anything, just STOP using melodramatic language in front of him!

Clarrie too cannot cope with this boring chitchat about parallel time lines, transvestites and conspiracies, and throws himself into the Thames... only to remember too late he can’t actually swim.

The TARDIS returns to the Globe Theatre in 1597 where Richard III is furious that future generations are being told he was a hunchback, with pudding bowl haircut, a long, pointy false nose and worst of all PERFECTLY NORMAL EARS!

The Bastard points out that this legitimate satire, fair comment
and pricking the pomposity of the great and the good. But Richard is sick and tired of this shit and tries to impale the Bastard on stage, and as they run out into the street, they cause a SECOND riot as the surviving hecklers rain down on the duo.

The Bastard manages to escape the mob, only be confronted by another giant W.H. Allen robot who mistakes him for the real William Shakespeare and since his second draft of his manuscript for "The Tempest" is now 7103 years overdue – so the Bastard shoots it with his tissue compression doohickey, causing the now-man-sized robot to malfunction, reappear on in the Battle of Bosworth Field screaming dialogue from Richard the III before Henry Tudor’s army hack it to pieces and then it explodes.

The Doctor announces he never wants to know ANYTHING about British history ever again and takes off right away, leaving Richard III marooned in 1597 and forced to take up the Bastard’s former position as body double and ghost writer for William Shakespeare.

"This is the second time I’ve had to double up for some stupid Southern twat who had to go and be busy, forcing ME to live out his destiny for him," 'Richard III' scowls as he munches irritably on a banana he finds in his leather jacket pocket. "Fantastic. Fan-bloody-tastic..."

Suddenly, the Fifth Doctor wakes up on the floor of the TARDIS and finds... IT WAS ALL A DREAM! He slumps back, fast asleep, hugging tightly a copy of "Stop It, Jack! Doctor Who Discovers The Truth About Jack 'the Ripper' Harkness"...

Book(s)/Other Related –
Doctor Who: It’s Good To Be King
Dr Who & The Lugubrious Northerner
"Tonal Inconsistency, Blunt Satire, Sniggering References, Interminable Runaround And Other Provocative Rubbish I Pass Off As Work" by N. Fountain

Goofs -
Some people actually think this is worth listening to.

If the Princes never died in the tower... then who the fucking hell are those two skeletons buried outside it? Got an answer for that, huh?!

Peri notes at one point she was a teenage mother from a council flat in the Chatsworth Estate, and not the rich pampered MTV video jockey touring Lanzarote established in the rest of Doctor Who.

John Culshaw’s Tom Baker impression is indistinguishable from his Gordon Brown impression and both are complete crap.


Fashion Victims –
Earl River’s fur-lined anorak and jeweled coonskin cap.

Technobabble –
The W.H. Allan robot speaks of "contravening the Douglas Adams deadline overdrive matrix" in regards to absolutely anything anyone else says.

Links and References -
This story is completely and utterly contradicted in every way possible and conceivable within all the laws of God and Man by the Tenth Doctor story "The Shakespeare of Evil".
And this is a good thing.

Untelevised Misadventures -
The real William Shakespeare is apparently far too busy at the moment having a threesome with his Dark Lady Martha Jones and Duchess Rose of the Powell Estate.

Groovy DVD Extras -
After years of embargo, the uncut infamous Parkinson interview with the Third Doctor: "You know, Michael, back when I shorter, younger and thought I was a penguin... I shagged your missus! Five times! What have you got to say to that, Parky boy? I’m only on this stupid show because Andrew Denton’s still in short trousers! You SUCK!"

Dialogue Disasters -

Peri: I don't have a clue what's going on.
Eminem: Lucky you.

Richard: You see past, present and future and make sure we all act according to the rules. You’re worse than a god. At least a god allows his subjects to repent. You’re a rubbish god. We don’t get a day off for starter’s... do you have ANY idea what I’m trying to say here, in specific regards to me true identity? This ringing any bells, Celery Boy? Or do I have to write it down on a bit of psychic paper for you? I’m dead Northern I am.

Doctor: First I lost my friends, then I lost my transport. I’m stuck in the middle of a Country and Western song! Not the best day I’ve had!

Clarrie: Midnight’s for assassination, dawn’s for betrayal, dusk is for flight, noon is for executions, and late morning is for bloody battle.
Peri: What’s afternoon for?
Clarrie: Pissing off the audience with anachronistic gags stolen from Blackadder, mainly.

Judith: Good evening, sir, I will be your serving wench for this evening. Would you like to sit in carousing or non-carousing?
Doctor: ... Shut up!

Peri: It's probably nothing.
Eminem: Do you really think so? I mean, do you really, honest to Ra think that after all we've been through and the kind of luck we have that it's probably nothing?
Peri: Yeah.
Eminem: You are very, very stupid.

Richard: D’you think I’m capable of killing a couple of kids? Murdering them in cold blood, snuffing a couple of young lives before they’re even begun? Well? Do you?
Doctor: Oh, how the hell should I know?
Richard: You’re supposed to say I’m either a coward or a killer! Honestly, if you can’t do the right quotes, how are we supposed to piss off the BBC AND the fans simultaneously?!

Clarrie: What the Chaucer?!
Doctor: Oh, just shut the fuck up! It wasn’t funny the first time!

Eminem: So this is the country of England the Doctor loves so much.
Peri: Yep, this is it, in all its muddy glory. Beats me why he keeps coming here. It does get better though. In four hundred year’s time, they get the Beatles, fashion sense and the truly unparalleled genius of Dead Ringers.
Eminem: And the creative visionary behind it, Nev Fountain.
Peri: Since you’re a Pharaoh, you’re high enough in society to be allowed to dare say his name. Oh, how we worship him!

Dialogue Triumphs -

Richard: You know what that wheezing, groaning sound reminded me of?
Henry: A dying horse?
Richard: Well, I was gonna say a TARDIS relative dimensional stabilizer in rematerialization phase. But yeah. A dying horse works.

Eminem: That man playing Elizabeth. He is playing the role of the queen, yet he is a man.
Bastard: That’s quite common in the English theatre, believe me.
Eminem: Right... well...
Bastard: Cause everyone in theatre is a damp-eyed nancy boy pillow-biting marmite munching FAG!
Eminem: Yeah. I get. Can we move on now?
Eminem: I don’t mind the homophobia, it’s just the lack of subtlety that’s annoying.

Doctor: I’m a correspondent from The Good Cell Guide I must tell you that I haven’t enjoyed my stay at all. I’m awarding you four out of a possible five Slop Buckets.
Richard: Oh, well done – two-nil to the Time Lord chained to wall nicking jokes from Red Dwarf. What are you going to do next? The light bulb gag? Gazpacho soup served hot? Or a space corps directive routine?
Doctor: How did you know?
Richard: You don’t know do you? You really don’t know... It was just a wild stab in the dark. Which is incidentally what you’ll get soon.
Doctor: HYPOCRITE! You nicked that from Ben Elton’s Dark Bastards!
Richard: Not so fun when YOU’RE on the receiving end, is it?

Peri: Theatre was seen to be beneath a woman, as were most fun things.
Eminem: You obviously have never done it upside down in a helicopter.
Peri: Guess I haven’t.
Eminem: You ignorant slut.
Peri: I wish I understood that.

Nev Fountain: I am not the architect of your life!
Doctor: Oh no, I wouldn't say 'architect'. More like a god. You see past, present and future and make sure we all act like total retards for cheap laughs and jokes stolen from 1980s sitcoms! In fact you’re WORSE than a god – at least a god allows his subjects to repent without misquoting Fawlty Towers!

Sir James Tyrell: You can’t just go swanning off!
Richard: Yes I can. This is me, swanning off.

Viewer Quotes -

"IT’S DRAMA!" - some Mouth-Breather who screams this any time their world view in challenged in any way at all (1998)

"Princes in the tower? Richard the III? You ripped me off, Big Finish! That means my ideas have merit! BEN CHATHAM IS CANON!!"
- Sparacus 'Flamingo' Jones (2007)

"I was certain this story would feature the return of the Sexual Toymaker, since that robot on the cover looks just like the one on the cover of The Care-Bear Nightmare Fair. Until I realized the one on the cover of The Care-Bear Nightmare Fair was a Care-Bear and not a robot at all. Then I came to conclusion this story would feature the return of Susan Foreman, since there’s someone called Susan in the cast list before realizing there are many people called Susan in the universe and not all of them tend to be the Doctor’s granddaughter. Therefore, I decided to stop try and basing my conclusions on evidence and just decide off the top of my head who will be returning. The Rani! A regenerated Drax! The meddling monk! The Droge of Gabrielldes!! The Mysterons from Captain Scarlet! Commodore Travers! Zastor! WOMAN! That computer from The Mind Shagger!"
- Alan Fridge (2006)

"I think someone should do a story in which Shakespeare teams up with UNIT and Queen Victoria to battle Mo’Lovins with different origin stories soon." - Bill Merlock (2005)

"Utterly, utterly crap, incredibly conceited, quite outrageous and tremendous smug. Worst Big Finish ever. I am sure it will irritate the purists to hell, which can't be a bad thing, but it irritates everyone ELSE as well! In fact the whole thing was beyond revolting. I hated every last minute of it The guest cast was wasted, in particular the chap playing the Ninth Doctor, the dialogue was a wanky as Craig Hinton in a blender, but one can't help but feel perhaps not 100% historically appropriate - the plot was retarded, and the format equally so and that's not a good thing. When will we get 'Nev Fountain Discovers Comedy That’s Actually Funny'? If I wanted pointless TARDIS malfunctions leading to celebrity cameos, I’d have got Other Lies, wouldn’t I? Tonight, I hate the world AND EVERYTHING IN IT!"
- Andrew Beeblebrox (2008)

Psychotic Nostalgia -
"Shakespeare was really Richard III? Peri and Eminem lived for two years as the Princes in the Tower? There is a publishing company more powerful than the Time Lords? ...fuck this for a game of soldiers. I’m off to find Nev Fountain turn him into a blood fountain."

Peter Davison Speaks!
"Oh no, not Nev Fountain again... There’s only so much knowing humor you can take before you just snap and do THEY pay for the costs of washing the blood out of your clothes? No they do not!"

Nicola Bryant Speaks!
"There are many good things about not REALLY being American. But sometimes I wish I were, in only so I could disown freaks like Nev."

Caroline Morris Speaks!
"The last few stories had been heavy going, rather, with lots of screaming and mythological horror, so this seemed to be quite a lovely relief. We didn’t know when we were well off."

Rumors & Facts -
Now here’s a play to silence those who say that Big Finish have any idea of producing something that doesn’t so much insult the intelligence of the audience as drag their intelligence into the bathroom, blindfold it, rape it three times, shoot it through the back of the head and bury the remains in separate graves at the bottom of the back garden!

Doctor Who Discovers The Bloody Mystery In The Bloody Tower Of Bloody Secrets is truly amazing – two hours fifteen minutes long and every single second drips with utter contempt for Doctor Who and everything involved in it. The complete arsehole who penned Omigod has really excelled himself this time!

Nev Fountain started his professional association with Doctor Who as the script editor of the webcast Beth Comes to Rhyme, a long, un-involving Star Wars rip-off designed to let them make a Buffy the Vampire Slayer remake under the Doctor Who logo after the entire mythology was wiped out with the immortal words "Tea time!" as the Ride of the Valkyries boomed in the background.

He later went to write for Big Finish in 2003 with Omigod, a story specially extended so he could fit more parodies of fandom into the story and even less subtlety. When he discovered the ending made listeners swear loudly at the CD players before smashing them to pieces, the son of a bitch SMILED!

Normally, Fountain pens comedy for "Dead Ringers", a show dedicated to impersonating people over the phone, done on TV. What logic. What’s more, despite the main star and main writer being great Doctor Who fans, they use every chance they get to tell the public that Doctor Who is a dull, loud, predictable time-wasting show unworthy of any attention, let alone the brain-damaged serial masturbators who go round calling themselves "fans" of the show, and normal people prefer things like Silent Witness, Hustle and Star Wars.

Fountain suggested a story for the Fifth Doctor, Peri and Eminem which would actually explore Eminem’s different attitude of death, and the plot was a simple trip back in time where she kills the princes and was angry at the Doctor for his gutlessness in failing to do so, at the same time 'bonding' with Richard, understanding his predicament, respecting his no-nonsense soldier ways and fighting the battle of Bosworth for him.

However, when Producer Gay Russell was enthusiastic about the idea, Fountain panicked and stole the Sherlock Holmes Blake’s 7 episode "For A Few Kilos More..." where Avon chases Vila around a doomed space shuttle with a buzzing chainsaw, whispering 'Come out, come out, little piggies!' as he did so. Except this time it would be Eminem chasing Peri around the Tower of London with a draught of poison shouting, "Life is only for wankers who can’t handle death!"

The story was drafted as "The Ninth Doctor Pretends To Be Richard III", which Fountain did entirely so BBC Wales would get pissed off with Big Finish for violating the non-aggression pact between the two production companies.

The revolved around a group of Time Lord suicide bombers fighting the Temporal Difference of Opinion by living out the lives of famous historical figures who had been kidnapped, vaporized and the like by the countless time travelling aliens Fountain automatically assumed were roaming the Doctor Who universe because he’d heard it was vaguely connected to Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy somehow.

When Russell pulled out a shotgun and challenged Fountain to prove "what a fucking clevercloggs" he was by convincing Russell not to blow his head clean off his shoulders, Fountain quickly adapted the plot into the one finally used. There was only one difference – originally it was not told in a linear manner, leading the audience to assume the sinister bearded man changing events would be the Bastard, only for the cliffhanger to part three revealing it was the REAL William Shakespeare, who completely changed his personality to become a comedy stooge and then was murdered, for real, and replaced by Richard III. For real.

"ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FREAKING MIND?!" roared Russell, before opening fire on the shotgun and mortally wounding assistant producer Ian Farrington for the third time that month.

Unsurprisingly, Doctor Who Discovers The Bloody Mystery In The Bloody Tower Of Bloody Secrets was a complete failure. Even the attempt to alter the cover couldn’t stop everyone from realizing to within a centimetre how far up his own arse Fountain had rammed his head. Even DWM noticed that the plot seemed to think that Richard III dropping out of existence 1895 meant that the Battle of Bosworth Field would still happen rather than Henry Tudor taking over the leaderless country without breaking sweat.

Fountain dismissed the criticism on the grounds that fans were a bunch of wanking mental defectives who despised anything complicated and were suitable only for fawning over simple things like TV. He dismissed the reviews as only read by the sexually-frustrated mothers of the reviewers themselves.

"If I was being wittily garotted by Victor Lewis Smith or crucified by Ally Ross or Charlie Brooker I might get excited, but it's like being attacked by a tetchy letter in 'The Daily Telegraph' - the Tony Banks line 'savaged to death by a dead sheep' springs to mind!" Nev laughed sickeningly. "I must have done something to them all in previous lives to annoy them; kicked their puppies, or rejected his sketch from 'Dead Ringers' or something. They’re all completely ignorant of the rules of scansion! All those publications finger the bottom of the barrel for their reviewers! In the old days, Jeremy Bentham would have LOVED it! Ho fucking ho! C'est la vie - as they say in Scotland. I’m so clever!"

It was at this point that Jason Haigh-Ellery finally lost control and snapped Fountain’s neck in one swift movement.

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