Serial 6Q/M – The Bride of Paddington
An Alternate Programme Guide by Ewen Campion-Clarke
An Extract From The EC Unauthorized Programme Guide O' Legacies
Serial 6Q/M – The Bride of Paddington -
Continuing to search for a way to rid themselves of Eminem, the Doctor and Peri try to land in ever more lethally perilous situations. Their latest attempt is to land in a stricken space craft hemorrhaging fuel from the rear engine and now a burning inferno. The ship belongs to Ambassador Elixir of the Martian Ice Cream Vendors, who is incredibly pissed off that on his first day on the job his ship attacked, his pilot killed and his creamy nougat ice cream supplies are burning.
Even after their last and dangerous encounter with the Ice Cream Vendors, the Doctor and Peri are more than willing to chip in and help, and suggest that Eminem run into the flames on the off chance some of the engineering crew need saving. Unfortunately, Eminem is happy to let any such survivors burn, which spoils the plan somewhat. A moment later, a wall of fire erupts in front of them which would have instantly killed Eminem had she fallen for the ruse.
At that moment the chunk of Elixir’s ship that held the TARDIS explodes, trapping them all in the disintegrating ship as it plummets into the atmosphere of a backward redneck world which consists of forests, mountains and the occasional McDonalds and it is into the former that the whole bleeding thing crashes.
Amazingly enough, Eminem survives completely unscratched and skips away, leaving the others for dead as the ship blows up in an enormous explosion. Due to poor editing, we later discover Peri, Elixir and the Doctor survived and managed to sneak out through a side hatch in the nick of time.
The Doctor hears a strange howl come from deep within the forest and the Time Lord searches his incredibly unhelpful memory to see if he can place it. He’s only just managed to narrow it down to five billion possible suspects when he discovers it is just Eminem having a laugh scaring passing squirrels. However, Elixir and Peri got bored ages ago and wandered off on their own to look for civilization, so the Doctor and Eminem are along as a huge bear-like beast emerges from the fog between the trees...
The Doctor realizes where they are - this is the planet Paddington and the terrifying creature charging towards them is Paddington Bear!!!
Luckily, Eminem’s Egyptian bling is sparkly enough to distract the ravaging monster and the Doctor begins singing some cheap matel toys
Music and within seconds the terrifying beast calms down. The Doctor explains that Paddington Bear is a genetically-engineered living symbol of the once-proud English culture. In the distant future, the English are a tiny community living on Paddington, a dusty museum of British artifacts considered too dull to be dangerous by the true power of the universe: the American Galactic Technocratic Federation Of Pure Evil And Greed, an organizing whose mindless fascistic cruelty sound rather appealing to his ex-Pharaoh companion.
Just then, the Queen Mother of Paddington, a sour-faced old woman called Bulgaria, emerges from the forest and pretty much confirms what the Doctor said, proving he is not a pathological liar. She also reveals it is 150 years since the Doctor’s last visit to Paddington and has her personal bodyguard, the Rock, beat up the TARDIS travelers and drag them to the nearest convenient dungeon.
Elixir and Paddington arrive at the Citadel of Paddington, which happens to absolutely resemble the Houses of Parliament. It is ruled by King James Tiberius Blair, who has gone a bit loopy and is now convinced that the noise of wind in the drafty Citadel is the ghost of his dead mother, Queen Asparagus Glad Sufferer of Fools And Wicked At Strip Poker, telling him cryptic predictions of Paddington bathing in oceans of blood. The "ghost" also tells Blair he must avenge her death of the previous week, which was not a simple jelly related accident as everyone assumed at the time, but actually down to a non-Englander!
Blair notes that this hardly narrows it down, but promises to bring her murderer to brutal justice. Just as soon as he gets round to marrying Princess Panda Bear, ensuring Paddington’s place within the American Galactic Technocratic Federation Of Pure Evil And Greed while simultaneously getting his end away with a direct descendant of Jessica Alba and heir to the Alba Ice Cream Conglomerate!
American Ambassador Alpha Sintauri is startled when Elixir and Peri arrive, since Elixir is late for his first day of work for once in his over-pampered and spoilt life. Elixir starts ranting that his ship was shot down by Narcturan fighters, and Alpha Sintauri doesn’t seem surprised: Elixir blames absolutely everything including burnt toast on Narcturans, and this is nothing new. But when Peri mentions her friend is the Doctor, the hermaphrodite hexapod has a full-blown hysterical fit and rushes off to find some valium.
Elixir reveals he has been promoted to Ice Cream Vendor Ambassador after his identical twin brother Alexei vanished without trace beyond her last blog entry detailing that Queen Asparagus and her son Blair know about some dark secret at the heart of Paddington and that any minute the owner of the ghostly dark malignant voice will realize he an enemy, hunt him down and kill him!!
Peri and Elixir shake their head and wonder what the hell this could all mean and take out their frustrations by running out of the room and beating up passing guards. Suddenly Elixir draws a sword and threatens to kill Peri as she knows too much!
Peri points out she knows nothing, so, slightly deflated, Elixir realizes he’ll have to explain his evil plan in incredible detail to her before he can get an excuse to kill her. Thus, he reveals he intends to slaughter the Royal Family of Paddington in retribution for murdering his brother, which he will carry out with an Xtroid Vibrator – a marital aide of creating Doomsday Events! He also reveals that his ship WASN’T attacked but he deliberately damaged his ship for reasons which now seem somewhat spurious. In fact, he realizes he’s not a hundred per cent sure WHAT his evil plan is or how well it’s working, and decides not to kill Peri till he’s absolutely certain what the hell he’s actually doing in this plot thread.
At that moment, King Blair takes his bride-to-be Panda Bear on a tour of the Citadel and eventually they arrive in the Temple of Paddington Bear, revered by a church that Queen Asparagus dissolved for being 'a bunch of useless jerks who’d be the first one up against the wall when the revolution comes'. However, as he finishes his dissertation he discovers that Panda Bear found him so utterly dull she escaped through a secret passageway while he was standing around being boring.
At that moment Alpha Sintauri turns up babbling that the Doctor appears to have returned after all these years to screw absolutely everything up once again! The hexapod then snatches out a mobile phone, rings a Narcturan toll free number and mutters darkly into it in an incredibly suspicious manner, before acting like nothing had happened and ranting about ill omens.
At that moment, deep in the ice cream mines beneath the citadel, a centaur-like Vegan called Nexos is also on the phone in an incredibly suspicious manner to a Narcturan toll free number. His secret ally Narktos is displeased to discover ice cream refining has been delayed by a rather of accidents including mechanical failure, cave ins, ghost sightings and the occasional blood-drained corpse.
At this point Narktos reveals he is actually standing right in front of Vegan Nexos and is using an invisibility cloaking device so no one notices he is on the phone. Narktos intends to frighten the miners back to work with a new piece of ice cream mining equipment which will actually blow all the miners up. Vegan Nexos asks how killing all the miners is supposed to help, and Narktos replies it is beyond the comprehension of such puny bipeds as he!
The bomb blows up the miners and then Narktos repeatedly whips Vegan Nexos until he carries all the ice cream he can aboard the Narcturan‘s spaceship. Vegan Nexos insists he never signed a work contract about this and pulls out a gun. Narktos reveals he knew Vegan Nexos would try and double-cross him, but Vegan Nexos knew that Narktos knew that Vegan Nexos would try and double-cross him, but Narktos knew that Vegan Nexos knew that Narktos knew that would try and double-cross him, and so blows the Vegan into sloppy bits with his laser gun.
Just then, Narktos is also blown into sloppy bits with a laser gun – wielded by none other than ALPHA SINTAURI AND HER BIG FUCKING GUN! You see, she knew all about the evil Narktos and knew that Narktos knew that Vegan Nexos knew that Narktos knew that Vaegan Nexos knew... whatever. Our hermaphrodite alien has saved the day again!
Meanwhile, in a cell, Eminem notes the architecture of the Citadel is far more to her taste than Castle Dracula, and she intends to slaughter the owner and seize control of it for herself. Then, maybe, she’ll demolish it with fire bombs if she gets bored. She then kicks the door open and searches for the owner to become her man-bitch like so many puny males before him.
Eminem soon spots Blair and Blair never being the sharpest tortilla in the picnic assumes that Eminem is actually his beloved Panda Bear and takes her on a guided tour. Eminem decides that Blair, who is intelligent, handsome and who cares for the lives of others is just the sort of consort she likes to humiliate and degrade to the point of suicidal despair. Blair suddenly claims he can hear a ghostly voice inside his head demanding to be fed with fresh blood.
"Yeah, I get that too sometimes," Eminem agrees, and they head up to the battlements for some fresh air and target practice of unsuspecting passers-by in the courtyards below. Blair remarks on how he believes his mothe was murdered by an non-Englander... like Eminem!
He then tries to throttle her, but the ex-Pharaoh easily beats him to a bloody pulp and then, for a laugh, sodomizes him with a burning torch. She LIKES this kind of spunk in her men, and so dangles him over the battlements until he begs Eminem his new lord and master for mercy.
Meanwhile, the Doctor has head for the ice cream mines idly looking for something interesting to do and bumps into Peri and Elixir who have gone there for precisely the same reason. Moments later, Eminem arrives with the shell-shocked and bleeding Blair who sobs that he will never be able to sit down properly again. Then Alpha Sintauri arrives and the plot slows to a crawl as the traditional 'Doctor doesn’t look like Jon Pertwee any more' sequence takes place. Slowly.
Eminem notices some Egyptian graffiti on the walls of the mine and, despite the fact that the TARDIS automatically translates all languages telepathically, immediately assumes this is significant. It also curiously refers to the Female of Royal Blood With The Name Of A White Rapper Who Shall Fall And Usher In The Second Reign of Sicknote The Avenger. Eminem knows dark legends of Sicknote, the devourer of worlds, as she always held her in the highest regard as a childhood role model.
Peri argues that Sicknote is just a story or a myth, but the Doctor confirms that it’s true. Sicknote was a god, at least to the Egyptians, but is actually an Old Evil Bastard Dirty Wanking One, a ignoble race of alien super beings who ruled the Universe millions of years ago. Elixir briefly returns to the plot to note that Sicknote incredibly enough matches the description of dark malignant evil flagged up in previous episodes for melodramatic effect, and would also explain all the exsanguinated miner bodies around the place.
The Doctor is immensely pleased that the plot of the story is so neatly tied up before it strikes him that this means an unstoppable evil force is about to rise from the shadowy heart of Paddington and carve its name into the hearts of every living thing!
"Must be a Tuesday," the Doctor observes and then the entire cast sneak into a handy secret passage that leads to a store room with an upright coffin and four caponic jars to hold the viscera of dead queens and princesses - Queen Asparagus of Paddington, Panda Bear of Earth and Alexei of Mars!
Elixir realizes with horror his twin brother always WAS a bit too effeminate for his own good, but the ghostly voice now understands why its ld Evil Bastard Dirty Wanking One Blood Lock cannot be open – it requires THREE females of royal blood, and only two have been provided. The Doctor laughs and points out that Great Mother Bulgaria is nowhere near here and that Sicknote cannot escape.
Triumphantly, he orders Paddington Bear to destroy the coffin... only to discover that moment Paddington Bear becomes relevant to the plot, it is revealed that over the last 150 years, the bear had a complicated sex change and goes into labor. The Doctor shuffles awkwardly as the howling bear is rushed off to the nearest medieval maternity ward
The ghostly Sicknote points out that if they bothered to pay attention to the graffiti it was already quite adequately sign-posted that Eminem is the last princess needed and the irony is the Doctor is the one that made it all possible for Sicknote to destroy the created universe.
She then kills the Rock and Elixir with x-ray laser beams... because it’s all gotten a bit talky.
Eminem offers herself up to Sicknote, but even as the Old Evil Bastard Dirty Wanking One begins to drain her blood, the Pharaoh snorts some rat poison she keeps in her signet ring – contaminating her blood and thus leaving Sicknote trapped forever. The Doctor is amazed and touched at this incredibly intelligent moment of self sacrifice... before realizing it was entirely coincidental and Eminem has been snorting rat poison for years to get high.
However, when Eminem DOESN’T drop dead it becomes clear she has actually been getting high on bicarbonate soda. However, Sicknote is so utterly depressed she fell for that ruse she doesn’t notice Peri throwing Elixir’s Xtroid Vibrator into the storeroom and triggered an explosion that wipes out the last of the Old Evil Bastard Dirty Wanking Ones forever!
Later, Alpha Sintauri realizes that when the American Galactic Technocratic Federation Of Pure Evil And Greed find out that Elixir, Alexei and Panda Bear bought the bullet under her watch, she’ll be on the high jump. She then decides she’s had more than enough of this crappy English planet and plans to leave forever.
Alpha Sintauri offers the Doctor, Peri and Eminem a lift to his TARDIS which is suspended in orbit around Paddington. But as they turn to leave, Eminem announces that she’s not coming with them. She has decided to stay here on Paddington - she was born to be an insane and ruthless dictator and that is her purpose. Blair will be a puppet ruler and unwilling sex slave and from now on there will be a lot more explosions and lot less traditions around here!
The Doctor Peri solemnly say they think she’s doing the right thing and will both miss her deeply. They then run aboard Alpha Sintauri’s ship and jump with joy, waving their hands like they just don’t care as the ship rapidly takes off from the planet which is soon to be renamed "Eminem’s Empire of Ecstasy!"
Book(s)/Other Related –
Alpha Sintauri: Return of the Phallic Freak!
Doctor Who Kills Innocent Ice Cream Men
Doctor Who & The Exploding Murdering Adorable Paddington Bear
Paddington Bear - Descent Into Evil
The woman on the cover is supposed to be Eminem. Yes, they got a chubby middle-aged Caucasian woman in a frock to portray the ebony-skinned, shaved-headed scantily clad Pharaoh Femme Fatale of Death... morons...
In her very first story, Eminem notes she moves on from snorting rat poison to "the hard stuff" when she was seven. Yet here, she has been in the habit all here life!
The episodes have pre-credit sequences and none of them fully reprise their preceding episode cliffhangers. Some say that this makes the play feel even MORE special and extraordinary and remarkable. I say it makes the play directed by a drooling, sex-obsessed moron with his hands too busy to use an editing suite properly.
Apparently this doesn’t clash with the NA Legacy of Paddington by Gay Russell, despite all the best intentions of everyone concerned. I’d check this, but somehow reading of Benny shagging Martians and the Doctor having his head cut off in a bizarre haircutting incident don’t appeal to me, let alone the bits where Ace hunts down Kerry Packer’s talisman of doom. I’ll just assume it is fact and get on with my life.
The Doctor notes in episode two that he completely forgot about Eminem and asks who she is, yet his memory is not wiped until the next story.
According to the credits section, the theme arrangement is down to Vegan Nexos and the theme re-mastering is down as Peter Davison.
Fashion Victims –
Alpha Sintauri’s pink lycra body stocking with "HUG ME!" on the front.
Sicknote is held imprisoned for all eternity by "Tribikwondophysical Dimensional Crook-Locks" soaked in "Tribikwondosillicate" residue.
Links and References -
There are vague references to several 1970s stories, but I doubt they’re anything important and/or relevant.
Untelevised Misadventures -
Alpha Sintauri notes the last time the Doctor set foot on Paddington he was "a smug short Scottish bastard with more question marks than the riddler" and asks if Peri is the Time Lord’s "drunken lout of a mistress claiming to be an archaeologist?"
Groovy DVD Extras -
The infamous "Paddington Bear sing Wild Thing" film clip from 1974. Be warned: no suitable for children or those amongst you with a nervous disposition or if the idea of Jon Pertwee doing the tango with Paddington Bear does strange things to your mind.
Dialogue Disasters -
Peri: Look at this one, Elixir! He’s only a kid. Barely a chance to experience much of life before fate or chance or misfortune or the gods reached out and took life from him. Plus, he’s got washboard abs.
Eminem: Sicknote devours worlds. A woman after my own heart.
Doctor: Ah Paddington. It’s had better nights, seen better days... Still, I visit Paddington every fifty of its years, that way I keep things nice and regular, like a man with a high-fibre diet.
Peri: This is no time for cliches!
Elixir: Yesss it isss. Thisss isss Paddington! There isss nothing BUT clichesssss on thisssss world!
Peri: I stand corrected.
Doctor: Well done, Peri. Impeccable reasoning.
Dialogue Triumphs -
Blair: Murderer! You killed my mother! I will kill you!
Eminem: Blair, what are you doing?
(Blair attacks Eminem, who kicks him in the bollocks and he collapses.)
Eminem: If you have tears, prepare to shed them now, blondie! Because I am Eminem, Scourge of the Nine Worlds, the Silver Assassin, the Death Merchant! Pleased to meet you, hope you guessed my name! I will bathe in your blood for the sheer hell of it! BEHOLD MY MAJESTY!!
Peri: Death, destruction, tragedy! Everywhere we go in the universe. Why do we never see the good things, Doctor?
Doctor: We do, Peri, we just don’t notice them because Eminem usually sets them on fire before we get out of the TARDIS.
Alpha Sintauri on Paddington Bear:
"He’s not a happy bunny, is he?"
The tear-jerking final scene -
Eminem: I’m staying here, on Paddington.
Peri: Hey, little sister, what have you done?
Eminem: I’ve never been so sure of anything in my life. I’ve loved travelling with you and Peri, Doctor. Seriously, I’m not shitting you. I’ve stepped onto other worlds, destroyed new and strange civilizations, given a right good bollocking where no one has been knee-capped before... but all the time I’ve just been evading my true destiny and hanging around total losers.
Doctor: I’ve been away for long, and I let you go for so long.
Eminem: I was born to rule and kick ass. That’s my purpose. When you let me into the TARDIS I stopped giving a shit about that.
Doctor: It IS a nice day to start again...
Eminem: I understand Paddington. It’s pretty much like the world I was brought up with. Except for the accents, the clothing, the architecture, the food, the booze, the culture, the language, the so-called morality, the society, the politics, the ancient traditions... Apart from those it might as well be Egypt! Plus, it’s a world with a weak ruler I can crush the spirit of in bed.
Peri: Hey, little sister, who’s your superman?
Eminem: Blair. He’s a good man, but he’s young and he wants to run before he can walk – he’s just a moving target. And I like that in my men. I think I can show him a good time and make him the puppet ruler of this stupid planet, as his dominatrix... and his wife! At gunpoint he proposed to me and I accepted. I’ve already violated him twice. That might even blossom into fondness.
Peri: Hey, little sister, shotgun!
Doctor: Come on, Peri. It IS a nice day for a white wedding...
Peri: Good point. Race to the ship, Doctor!
Doctor: I can still beat you!
(They run away. Long pause)
Eminem: Fine. Run off without saying goodbye. Like I care. I hope you both die from spectrox toxaemia from some badly cooked burgers, you useless sons of bitches...
Viewer Quotes -
"Eminem’s departure lacks the emotional resonance that Charley’s final story had. Hell, even C'Rizz got a better and more tragic departure. It may not be 'happy ever after' for her in the traditional scene as she plot the destruction of the entire civilized universe. But considering who that she is and how she was raised, her fate is entirely appropriate. It also means when she finally tires of King Blair she can try and break the Big N – IF SHE CAN!!" - Nigel Verkoff (2008)
"This story is exactly what would excite a four year old. Assuming the four year old was into 1970s cult TV nostalgia, Egyptian psychopaths, mass ritual sacrifice, mine disasters, and caped cock-shaped aliens with machine guns blowing up things while giggling like a school girl. So, yeah, it worked for me." - Theodore January (2013)
"The first Paddington story was an allegory about Britain joining the EU. The second Paddington story was an allegory about the LSD-induced murders that lead to the 1974 miner strike. Is the third Paddington story about the oncoming recession? No, it bloody is not! WHERE IS THE ALLEGORY? Is it over there in a box?" - Eric Praline (2008)
"And with hindsight, the Old Evil Bastard Dirty Wanking Ones is the race just HAD TO BE the protagonists in Eminem’s last story."
- The same guy who thinks the similarly-totally-random-and-pointless presence of Abbadon in Touchwood: Whoops, Apocalypse! is completely justified in retrospect (2008)
"We all knew it had to end this way. Anyone who thinks they could have written out Eminem WITHOUT drowning her in Pertwee era cliches is just talking out their asses. This is the truth! And it BURNS!"
- Charles Daniels (2008)
Psychotic Nostalgia -
"I actually have never listened to a single one of Eminem’s stories. I’ve just completely bullshitted my opinion and trusted to luck. Now you know my secret you must, MUST die! Is that an Xtroid Vibrator in my pocket or am I about to gut you like a Taiwanese fishmonger?!!? HUH?"
Peter Davison Speaks!
"The Ice Cream Vendors are in this one, performed by Nick Briggs as he tries to be every single Doctor Who character that ever existed... he still hasn’t got my job yet, and he never will. Those OV things aren’t canon! Mind you, the quality of these things haven’t gone QUITE as badly as I thought once baldy-toothbrush-wielder took over. We never got Jenny Agutter in the old regime. And yes, she performed nude. Would have felt odd otherwise. This was Eminem’s last story, which I found out when you point it out to me twenty-five seconds ago. As companions go, Eminem was slightly more aggressive, slightly more, you know, liable to stab people at random. She was a rip off of Leela, basically, except she had an Egyptian headdress and she used her bare hands. And that’s quite a nice idea actually. Pity we did nothing whatsoever with her character, eh?"
Caroline Morris Speaks!
"Eminem’s time had been drawing to a close for a while. Ever since she first appeared, now I come to think about it. The moment you’re born it’s a long, tedious journey towards the grave. Of course, I couldn’t be blown up or left to die or murder the Doctor in cold blood and steal his space time ship. That would be an even remotely logical end to the character. Oh no. Eminem gets to marry some guy she only just met. What a break with tradition. A clue: no fucking way! Better than nothing? No freaking way. I firmly believe that Eminem turns Paddington into a vast war machine determined to take absolute control of the multiverse or see it burn! It wasn’t the Dustbins who destroyed the Time Lords, it was Eminem! Picture her dainty boot driven into your throat for all eternity... it’ll save time in the long run. And as for what I’m going to do to Big Finish, well, I’M GONNA STUFF MY FACE WITH YOUR ENTRAILS UNTIL I FEEL SLIGHTLY QUEASY!"
Nicola Bryant Speaks!
"Thank GOD that’s all over!"
Rumors & Facts -
The first release from Big Finish in 2008 is doubtless to become a fan favorite – it may be crap, but fans love sequels and hate Eminem, so a story that ditches the mad Egyptian bitch while simultaneously ripping off the Paddington serials from the Jon Pertwee error (hah! See what I did there?) was always going to be a winner.
All told The Bride of Paddington wonderfully evokes the dark and claustrophobic atmosphere of the original 1970s serials whilst telling a very modern story in a very exciting way. There are shocks aplenty and, providing that you are able to indulge the writers’ shameless continuity jokes right at the death, there is little not to like here.
During the early 1990s, the gaggle of writers and actors that Nicholas Briggs blackmailed at gunpoint to help create his fan audio series the Oddly Visuals finally overthrew their cruel master. Distracting Briggs with Daniel O’Mahony’s sample script The LSD Totem, they escaped to disappear into the Virgin Publishing industry. Briggs was furious and his long awaited fifth season of audios was never released.
The fourth story of the season was entitled Legacy of Paddington and would have been a sequel to the Third Doctor’s TV stories The Curse of Paddington and The Monster of Paddington. This tale would feature the Doctor and his new personality-free companion Curries trying to stop the Novelty Hypno-Disc of Kerry Packer from ravaging the ancient English society of Paddington.
Briggs vomited blood when he discovered that Gay Russell sold the story to the New Adventures, effortlessly inserting the characters of the Seventh Doctor, Ace, Benny, the Third Doctor, Jo, Chancellor Goth, the big space station from Season 23, the Wind Chime Tribute Band from Diva Loka, Mavic Chin, and a bunch of extras from Dustiny of the Dustbins to the narrative.
When Briggs seized complete and total control everlasting over Big Finish he was repeatedly thwarted in his aims to remake Doctor Who in his own image and become the One True Doctor. Deciding to bide his time until he could renew everyone’s contracts and then fire them, he instead determined to continue remaking OV stories under Big Finish. But as complaints continue to circulate that the OVs were crap to start with, Briggs decided to finally make the fifth season.
However, to make Legacy of Paddington for audio he would need Gay Russell to come back from his Cardiff-based hovel. Briggs refused point blank to ask that parasite for help and instead decided to get soundman and occasional director Barnaby Edwards (who had portrayed the Eighth Doctor’s long-forgotten companion Serge the Seal in 2000) to pen a story that would, for every last seventy four and fourteen seconds of run time, contradict and render completely and utterly uncanonical that particular New Adventure.
Briggs also decided that this would be coupled with his desire to be avenged against the numerous humiliations he had suffered at the hands of Caroline Morris and finally sack her as he had promised five releases earlier. Morris took being fired with her usual professionalism by punching Briggs in the face with enough force to break every last one of his teeth, then slashed his car tires, set fire to his house and told the police that he was really Osama bin Laden in disguise. The police didn’t believe her, but they just needed an excuse to beat up Briggs and lock him up for 48 hours in a small dark room without any electricity.
Entitled Return to Paddington For Duty Free, Edwards wanted to continue the tradition of the stories to feature elements of feminism, political relevance, social commentary and have the completely gratuitous and pointless presence of Alpha Sintauri, Ice Cream Vendors, a pro-wrestler bodyguard and a court intrigue that barely interested a twelve year old with nothing better to do.
Originaly, the story began directly after The Monster of Paddington where Paddington and the American Galactic Technocratic Federation Of Pure Evil And Greed united forces to carpet bomb any planet in the galaxy that dared look at them in a funny way. In this version of the story, Bulgaria and Vegan Nexos are working together to turn Paddington into an independent world reaping the profit from the demand for their ice cream reserves. Panda Bear is one of the king’s concubines and there were completely unnecessary scenes where Peri was stripped naked and beaten with bamboo canes by Alpha Sintauri which had absolutely no relevance to the rest of the plot.
Briggs, having regained full use of his hands, decides to cut these strange alien bondage scenes and was left with just under one episode of material. Edwards was concerned that this made the plot too complex and wanted to streamline the plot by adding sequences of Eminem, Panda Bear and Peri having a threesome while Blair was handcuffed to a bed and violated with a Xtroid Vibrator by two leather clad Ice Cream Vendors. With these scenes added, the story was now over sixteen episodes long. With them removed, the story lasted fifteen minutes and involved the Doctor and Panda Bear discussing the songs of The Lion King and then shooting Eminem through the head, execution style.
Curiously enough, Briggs was still unhappy with Edwards’ work. Given that he had provided the hairless toothbrush fetishist with two RADICALLY different versions of the scripts, Edwards demanded he be paid and Briggs could write the rest himself. Soon after this, Edwards lost his grip on reality altogether and dribbled to himself from hours on end as he screamed things at random like "Growing wet enough to drip onto the rug already?", "Moan slightly!", "Stretch to accommodate my size!", "BAD Alpha Sintauri!", "Oh, Eminem, you saucy minx!"
Briggs desperately tried to write Eminem out of the resulting script and, at a loss of ideas, stopped trying to rip off the Paddington stories and instead ripped off the Tom Baker story, Pyramids of Cards. Originally it would be discovered that the entire planet of Paddington was one of Q-Tip’s card pyramids grown a crusty shell over the eons, thus Eminem would meet her fate at the most pathetic villain in Doctor Who history.
This plan went awry as Jenny "Brand Name for On Screen Nudity" Agutter was hired to be the ancient Egyptian god as per Edwards’ increasingly perverted requirements. Thus, Q-Tip was hastily rewritten to become Sicknote, a giant hippopotamus with delusions of universal conquest who would kill Eminem and then be beaten with death by Ice Cream Vendors wielding lengths of lethal garden hose.
On the day of recording however, Briggs was dragged out of the studio by Argos hired goons to sell Judoon Voice Changer microphones to gullible adolescents who wanted to sound as deep, manly and child-molestor-y as Dr. Claw from Inspector Gadget. By the time he managed to return to the Big Finish production studios, the story was over and Eminem had got a completely different and far less humiliating ending than Briggs had ever dreamed of. Worse, Edwards had been allowed free reign but thankfully his inter-species orgy scenes were not recorded because everyone was too busy to hit the red button.
Furious, Briggs immediately cancelled any further Doctor Who stories set between Mammaries of Fire and The Phantom of Androzani, so at least there would be no ‘missing’ adventures with Peri and Eminem. Instead he decided to focus more on the days of the Fifth Doctor and Nyssa, deciding entirely on whim it was time they gained a third companion and the Doctor grew a 1970s Saddam Hussein-style moustache...
Also included in the disc was a one-episode story entitled "Messing With the Viyrans" – written by Nicholas Briggs when he realized, YET AGAIN, that three 25 minute episodes couldn’t quite fill 100 minutes of run time according to the laws of human mathematics. Ergo, Briggs was able to completely write out Eminem and also create the final installment of his brand new story arc:
The Virus Strand!
The Virus Strand IV: "Messing With the Viyrans!"
The TARDIS brings the Doctor and Peri to the planet Gallbladder Social, a world of relaxation, recreational narcotics and the finest STD clinics in West Galaxy. The Doctor considers this the perfect place to unwind after their time with Eminem, and Peri accidentally swallows a fly and starts coughing and spluttering. As she complains to the Doctor about this, he start repeating her worlds, cries in agony and transforms into a perfect replica of Peri!
Horrified, Peri races off for help to the nearest party but as she enters everyone collapses to the floor. Her hopes this is a Rocky Horror theme night are dashed when the unconscious partygoers copy Peri’s words and magically transform into Peri clones!
The real Peri steals a car and tries to drive to safety, only to run over a passer-by called Laurence Miles when suddenly a whacking great Close Encounters of the Third Kind spaceship appears overhead and all the Peri clones are beamed aboard. Laurence Miles vows to make a sarcastic blog entry on this before he too transforms into a clone of Peri and is sucked away as well.
Peri is brought aboard the alien spaceship where the unseen aliens try to freak her out by talking to her in a perfect reproduction of her own voice – except with a convincing American accent. They are the Viyrans, the mysterious white space-suited creatures from beyond the beyond of beyond, at the dark endless age of eternal space – a life force with neither form nor substance on a nameless worlds. At an unknown point in elapsed time, the Viyrans launched the greatest war fleet ever assembled to kill, destroy, enslave and conquer with their incredible programmed virus of plot contrivance and death!!
The voice explains that, actually, the Viyrans aren’t half as interesting as that in real life. They are actually an intergalactic biohazard team tidying up all the viruses and biological agents engineered for every conceivable purpose that got scattered across the cosmos during a millennia-long traffic accident involving a Dustbin saucer that thought it had the right-of-way. The Viyrans now spend all their time curing people and containing viruses, mindwiping the locals in order to give them an incredibly cool, dark, ominous, black and foul aura of mystery.
What’s more, that fly Peri swallowed was actually a mutagenic compound, a virus that copies the host DNA and transforms every other living being in range into a perfect copy, when then drop dead. Peri wonders why in the name of god’s ass would anyone want to have a virus to do that beyond being mindlessly creepy, and the Viyrans admit that this is one of the SENSIBLE viruses they have to deal with.
The Viyrans have cured Peri and all the people of Gallbladder Social, and prepare to wipe her brain. Peri agrees, on the grounds they also remove the embarrassing and awkward memories of her former travelling companion Eminem from her mind, and that of the Doctor.
The Viyrans don’t have something more interesting to do, and agree. Nevertheless, Peri still dimly recalls the events of the last few stories, and the Viyrans try again. It takes another three hundred and thirty eight mindwipes but, at the end, all memory of Eminem is purged...
On Gallbladder Social, the Doctor and the partygoers recover from a really wild night with no memory of anything involving the night before, and suspect it was the punch. The Doctor heads back to the TARDIS and finds Peri aboard, and she too has amnesia about what happened the previous evening... and indeed everything since she and the Doctor said goodbye to Turlough on Sarn.
Scratching his head, the Doctor decides to never try strange punch again and points out instead of trying to remember what happened they focus on the whole Universe of time and space out there waiting for them. "I’ll show you what a real spin around the universe can do for you Peri!" he promises her as they take off. "We’ll go visit a very old friend of mine Sharaz Jek. I honestly can’t remember why I don’t go and see him more often."
As the police box fades away, the crackling, sparkling figure of Zig-Zag-Gay-Ass watches on, arms folded and shouting "Oh, that’s just typical, that is!" over and over again as history returns to its former course and our pristine DVDs of "The Phantom of Androzani" become completely canonical once more.