5th Doctor - The Mind's Eye

Serial 6Q/L – Mind The Eye
An Alternate Programme Guide by Ewen Campion-Clarke
An Extract From The EC Unauthorized Programme Guide O' Little Mayan Eye

Serial 6Q/L – Mind The Eye -

"This is a warning to all space farers. You must keep away from this planet. It’s hostile, repeat, hostile."

On the strength of a passing disaster beacon, the Doctor and Peri decide to pilot the TARDIS to the death trap in another attempt to get rid of their unwanted and unhinged fellow traveler, insane ex-pharoah Eminem. The time machine lands in a hostile jungle on the said unnamed planet and decide to "explore".

To lure Eminem into a false sense of security, the Doctor and Peri pretend to be interested in some purple flowers, waiting for the right moment to sprint back into the TARDIS and take off. However, half way through explaining this cunning plan to Peri, the Doctor completely forgets what he was saying. This isn’t particularly embarrassing, since Peri has also forgotten what’s going on.

The Doctor stumbles through some bushes and meets a butch, tanned bloke clearly trying to pretend to be Rambo and failing utterly to be convincing. The Time Lord points and laughs at the puny Caucasian in his baggy singlet and Rising Sun headband, so the Rambo-wannabe shoots the Doctor in the leg in annoyance. The Time Lord falls flat on his arse to be dragged away, while Peri and Eminem pass out in the foliage.

Ukarme grunts in some Stallone-style noises, then drags the now-unconscious Doctor back to his secret camouflaged base. Ukarme is an insane Stallone fan and has set up camp on the most hostile planet in the known cosmos to recreate Rambo films, and occasionally when no one is looking, "Predator I". However, he time-shares his underground bunker with Professor Darrius Hayton (who disturbingly is more likely to pass for a body-building action hero than Ukarme), and Major Tackle, his man-eating, career-obsessed black ops military woman (and also oddly enough resembles Stallone more than Ukarme).

Hayton and Tackle are mildly interested in Ukarme dragging home an unconscious cricketer who has been stupid enough to wander around in the jungle without a protective suit. Ukarme doesn’t wear a protective suit, but he’s REALLY stupid, and thus doesn’t merit their attention. Nevertheless, their bitching at how dumb Ukarme is that he would miss if he fired his gun into the air wakes the Doctor from his coma.

The Doctor has almost total amnesia and assumes that he has woken up in his sitcom-style home with his whacky flatmates. Hayton explains the Doctor’s memory has been wiped by the nasty plants in the big old jungle and he’s very lucky to have been rescued before he was left a complete mental vegetable. Like Ukarme.

The Doctor’s alien biology or some other feeble plot contrivance allow his memory to return slightly and he remembers Peri and Eminem have been left in the lethal Forests of Alzheimer’s, and Ukarme bravely runs back outside to try and rescue them despite having no idea what they look like, where they might be or even if they are still alive.

Tackle and Hayton make some cups of tea and wonder whether or not the Doctor is really some kind of alien spy faking amnesia, but when pressed neither of them can think of why ANY self-respecting alien would be sent to spy on their activities, which consist of trying to grow herbal narcotics in psychedelic-rainbow-wash colours. Unfortunately, all they’ve managed to create are some Methuselan poppies, Gavinci’s strangle weed (which is very nasty) and Kemsel moss in eye-searing dayglo orange.

The Doctor idly plays with the household pet, an oversized lemur called Jekyll after Steve Moffat’s six-part miniseries of blood-chilling terror and unconvincing contact lenses. He then finds some handy pamphlets warning people about the native Kryptonite Weeds which don’t just effect Superman but just about everyone – the weeds let out a knock-out gas, trigger LSD nightmares, drain the minds of their victims and use their bodies as compost.

"Wow," the Doctor muses, "that’s one seriously messed-up weed."

At this point, Ukarme walks in, having found the comatose Eminem and dragged her back to his base. It seems that Eminem is now caught in a deep dreamstate that it would risk brain damage to wake from suddenly. The Doctor wonders whether to wake Eminem up or just let her die, before concluding he has a rather perverted desire to see what goes on inside her Egyptian head of hers. Thus, he puts together some crap he has in his pockets to create a machine capable of accessing Eminem’s weed-induced fantasy land...

In her dream, Eminem is a blood-soaked warrior queen who has seized control of a 25th century Earth colony planet, renamed it New Cairo and ruled it like a megalomaniacal dictator ever since. However, Eminem finds a ruthless dictatorship dull and not enough carnage, so she orders her terrified subject to riot, revolt and rebel with as many civilian casualties and collateral damage as possible.

The latest in a long line of first ministers, Malarou, tries to appease Eminem while tell her that some twit named Kharto is organizing the rebels with the seditious intent of getting rid of their Pharaoh once and for all!

Eminem is confident that everyone is too shit-their-pants terrified to actually try and depose her, when her food taster dies horribly from poison in her bowl of chocolate-frosted sugar bombs. It seems Kharto has finally had enough of the cruel reign of Eminem the Ever-So-Slightly Psychotic, and Eminem has the chutzpah to be insulted.

She orders Malarou to bring Kharto to her so she can speak to him face to face and then remove his internal organs according to colour, size and general ickiness, and then demands another statue built in honor of her good friend the Doctor... so she can blow it up.

Watching this, the Doctor is disgusted. He never expected her to be so stupid! Doesn’t she note the contradictions? How can the colony be 25 years old and created by Eminem but not get any older? How did she get to conquer a 25th century colony without the TARDIS to dump her there? And why is the paranoid Pharaoh surrounding herself with aides and advisors when they’ll surely try to kill her?

Just then, he is proved right as a handmaiden named Anthea pulls a gun on Eminem and allows Kharto to give a long and tedious rant that basing a whole society around a tourist trap like Ancient Egypt is a complete waste of time and no one actually LIKES Eminem and they all think she’s a sad, lonely, criminally insane mass murdering sadistic maniac.

Eminem has both Kharto and Anthea flayed alive.

In reality, the Doctor is most annoyed. He was hoping this would be one of those meta-reality Freddy Kruger gigs where if you die in a dream, you die in real life. Since Eminem is unlikely to be killed in her dream, the Doctor will have to be the one to somehow turn himself into a tiny electronic person, enter the dream, and snap her irritating and dark-skinned neck.

Luckily, Hayton to has such a device to hand, an alpha-wave-dream-scanning-harmonizertron.

Snorting some of the weed for 'Dutch courage', the Doctor immediately slumps unconscious before he can start counting backwards from ten and, within seconds, descends into dreamland...

As rebels attack Eminem’s palace, she decides that it’s time for "no more Ms. Nice Fascist Dictator" and heads for her panic room, preparing to set off a string of thermonuclear warheads that will annihilate everyone else on New Cairo and leave her the sole survivor.

No sooner does she close the hatch while laughing evilly, Eminem is taken aback as the Doctor pops into existence in front of her, berating her subconscious for being ridiculously cliched. Eminem responds by repeatedly kicking him in the windpipe and accusing him of abandoning her on some pathetic colony where she has to ORDER her obviously-deficient inferiors to rebel against her to have any kind of fun!

The Doctor screams back that this is all in her diseased brain, the traditional VR episode that every sci-fi series attempts with rapidly diminishing returns. "Did you see that Stargate: Atlantis version? THERE is 50 minutes of my life I want back..."

Eminem asks why she would dream about rebels, dead food tasters and servants betraying her. The Doctor explains that her dream is being controlled by some purple flowers and, oddly enough, this completely convinces her to reject the illusion of New Cairo... a few seconds after she bombs it back to the stone age, just to be on the safe side.

The Doctor and Eminem wake up in reality – and the Time Lord starts swearing very loudly, as bringing Eminem back to life was in no way what he intended when he got up this morning.

Meanwhile, Ukarme has found Peri has fallen into the bunker’s ventilation shaft and is unwittingly suffocating them. Dragging her free they find some strange tentacle rape stuff is happening and all of Peri’s clothes have been ripped off, the better for the Kryptonite weeds to physically bond with her naked skin. She’s also comatose and hallucinating... if that detail interests you at this point.

Hayton suggests they just leer dirtily at Peri as she transforms into a large-breasted half-plant hybrid, refuses to let trivial emotional attachment stand in the way of Hentai fetish advancement!

Ukarme pulls out a gun and reveals that under his oiled and muscular exterior he is in fact an undercover cop of the Federation Drugs Administration. Eminem slams her fist into his sternum, so he falls over, and the plot continues to unfold.

The furious Doctor accuses Hayton of trying to cultivate Kryptonite Weeds as a replacement for all his failed narcotics, perhaps even as some kind of mind controlling drug or a telepathic booster. Hayton denies this vigorously... but, come to think of it, it’s actually a bloody good idea actually!

Tackle then headbutts Hayton unconscious, allowing the Doctor to study Peri’s dreams and finds out what his loveable airhead actually dreams about when the lights are turned off.

He is shocked to discover what appears to be an episode of the soap opera "Love MD", with Peri having found herself a gorgeous hunk of a boyfriend only to discover he has an antisocial borderline-schizophrenic brat called Kyle for a son who slams doors, swearing mightily and throws live lobsters at her. Peri’s attempts to be a strict disciplinarian go awry as, after forcing the adolescent bastard to go to school for once leads to him collapsing from kidney failure – caused by Peri’s appalling cooking and neglect.

As Kyle is rushed to a hospice for those with terminal bad-attitudes, Peri rushes home to tell her boyfriend she’s doom his son... and finds him having a three-way leather kinky bondage session with a sheep and Peri’s best friend Ally!

Reeling from this revelation, Peri runs out of the apartment into oncoming traffic and is run over by fourteen separate articulated lorries, tearing her into separate bloody pieces...

Watching this carnage of dreamlands, the Doctor concludes that Peri might just have some slightly low self-esteem. Thus, in order to cheer her up, he pumps her unconscious body full of laughing gas.

On the screen, they watch as – in true Republican style – the last few moments are completely forgotten. Peri actually stopped at the pavement before running out into the road and actually came to no harm. Her boyfriend then ran after her and explains that the orgy she just saw was a culmination of a "Chance in a Million" style build up of coincidences and accidents that made it LOOK like a sordid bestial incestual sex rampage. In fact, the boyfriend insteads to surprise her with a last minute Caribbean holiday and wedding.

As the boyfriend gets down on his knees and offers Peri an engagement ring, Kyle the bastard makes a miraculous recovery and announces that this near-death experience has made him completely reevaluate his life and lose his homicidal hatred for his potential stepmother. He even goes so far as to break down in tears sobbing, "I luv you, ma!"

At this point the Doctor materializes in the dreamscape, unable to cope with this godawful sentimentalized American soap opera bollocks and tells Peri to wake up to herself. However, at this point the laughing gas wears off and Peri’s crippling self-loathing strikes again... in the form of a petrol tanker crashing into the hospital, which collapses in flames and burns to death everyone Peri cares about and indeed everyone she ever so much as smiled at.

With nothing left, Peri puts all her faith in the hope the Doctor ISN’T lying and this is all a strange weed-induced hallucination. Instantly, she wakes from her coma and the plants drop away from her exposed and nubile young flesh!

The downer is that Hayton and Tackle have revealed themselves to be evil and corrupt drug pushers who have been secretly harvesting the Kryptonite weeds to put into their hidden space shuttle to use to unlock telepathic ability in humans, use as mind controlling drugs and also to appeal to tentacle rape fetishists.

Ukarme points out they foolishly revealed their plans in front of a FDA agent. Hayton and Tackle innocently ask, "What plans?" and our moronic action hero realizes he’s completely forgotten.

Tackle and Hayton laugh evilly and run to their space shuttle, and prepare to hurtle to freedom, Hayton confident that the flashing red light marked ENGINE PERFORMANCE FLUCTUATION is nothing important.

Two seconds later, the entire shuttle explodes in a massive fireball.

"Ooops," says Eminem in a sarcastic manner that suggests the insane ex-Pharaoh somehow managed to sabotage the alien technology of a space shuttle she had no idea even existed when no one was looking. Maybe she was just joking?

Just then, the Jekyll the lemur munches on some of the Kryptonite Weeds and starts foaming at the mouth before going inside like those evil plague gorillas in "Congo". Or "Contagium". Or was it "Twelve Monkeys?" Anyway, rabid lemur goes apeshit!

Thinking quickly, the Doctor and Peri run out of the room via the exit – a course of action so brilliant, Eminem follows suit. However, this is too complicated for Ukarme, who gets lost twice and ends out stumbling blindly through the jungle.

There, he meets the REAL Sylvester Stallone, and together they skip, hand-in-hand to Dr. Who’s super-duper silvery space rocket and join him to travel the galaxy as his amazingly brilliant crew of super human Adonises fighting terrorists and heavyweight boxers...

But, get this (actually you may want to brace yourself)...

IT WAS ALL A DREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And Ukarme was actually swallowed up by the Kryptonite Weeds two seconds after he left the bunker, and in reality the Doctor, Peri and Eminem escaped to safety in the TARDIS!

Aboard, the Doctor muses it was in his words "another Saward-style slaughterhouse" and all the non-regulars have died horribly. Thus, he suggests that maybe this horror might make Eminem want to quit the TARDIS and set up her own Colony of Death as she dreamt about?

Eminem reassures the Doctor she is quite happy tearing up the universe at his side and, smiling broadly, the Doctor dematerializes the TARDIS while swearing very, very loudly.


Book(s)/Other Related –
Doctor Who: Out of Sight? Out of Mind!
Them Plants Are Dangerous! (#598 - Special Dr. Who Issue!)
The Elvis/UFO/Big Finish Connection by Colin "Zonker" Brake


Goofs -
Um, why does Kyle – who despises Peri and everything she stands for – have posters of Big Finish covers of stories featuring Peri, a TARDIS-shaped bedside lamp and numerous centrefolds of Nicola Bryant?
And how in the name of God’s ARSE does Kyle have a poster of "The Bride of Paddington" on his wall when it hasn’t happened to Peri yet? This is HER disturbing self-hatred fantasy, remember?
Disc 2 does not function on my Sony mp3 player. The tracklisting cannot be found and it reuses to transfer via SonicStage! I’ve BUCKETS of CDs on my PC’s SonicStage but this is the only one I’ve ever had this problem with getting onto the mp3 player. WHAT A FUCKING LIBERTY!!
Eminem has been willing to impale people to death and remove people’s tongues for looking at her in a funny way... sets a bomb in the villain’s shuttle? That’s practically a big sloppy kiss from her! WHERE’S THE EMINEM-PATENT CARNAGE?!


Fashion Victims –
Eminem’s golden HR Gieger bikini as official Pharaoh of Death.


Technobabble –
"Quickly, we must reverse the polarity of the somnambulist flow!"


Links and References -
In her dreamscape, Peri remembers Eminem dying at the hands of the talking raptors in 'Two's Company' (Serial 6Q/G), but this tragically turns out to be wishful thinking.


Untelevised Misadventures -
The Doctor got his suspiciously convenient Goyana Dream Weaver Scanning Thingamajig from that disturbing dildo-filled fiasco with Harry Houdini, as mentioned numerous times in 1970s Doctor Who.


Groovy DVD Extras -
The mini episode "Messing with the Viyrans", one story too soon and thus spoiling the whole ending of the Eminem arc. Bleeding amateurs!

Dialogue Disasters -

Tackle: [over radio] Everything is prepared. Tackle out.
Hayton: What are you implying?!


Doctor: You don’t recognize me, do you?
Peri: I’m sorry, did we meet before?
Doctor: Peri, I know this will sound strange, but you have to believe me. You are dreaming this whole thing! The hospital, your boyfriend, your hideously spiteful son... none of it is real. It’s just like that Buffy story where she wakes up in a loony bin, or every other episode of Farscape! It’s like some bad soap opera concocted by your excuse for an imagination – why did I ever let you watch those Desperate Housewives DVDs?
Peri: Um. What KIND of a doctor are you?
Doctor: I’m not A doctor, I’m THE Doctor! Now, Peri, please, concentrate. Look at me. What do you see?
Peri: A chubby man with glasses and a nasty case of acne.
Doctor: What? Nicola!
Peri: Oh, sorry. I mean, a dashing young blonde man in Edwardian cricketing gear with a pleasant, open face.
Doctor: Better!


Doctor: Sometimes I wake up and I don’t know where I am and I don’t talk to anybody. Sometimes a day, sometimes a week.
Hayton: Wow. You really ARE stupid.


Dialogue Triumphs -

Eminem: Doctor, where is Ukarme?
Doctor: I couldn’t save him. He was too far gone when I found him. Covered in tendrils.
Eminem: You mean, he’s dead?
Peri: "Heroes never die. They just reload."
Eminem: Well, Ukarme wasn’t a hero, then. Because he’s definitely dead.

Peri: Kyle! You called me mom! LIFE SUDDENLY HAS MEANING!

Doctor: You know, Eminem, you dreamed of leaving the TARDIS. Does that mean you want to go home? At all?
Eminem: Who cares?
Peri: So you DON’T want to stop travelling with us?
Eminem: Perhaps.
Doctor: Is that 'perhaps you do want to leave' or 'perhaps you don’t'? Maybe our next destination will help you make up your mind.
Eminem: And where will that be? The universe is ours to desecrate, and destiny can go hang!
Peri: ...whoopee.


Viewer Quotes -

"Mind The Eye? Nope. Don’t remember anything about this one, but never mind! My record came out today...but to mixed reviews. Some believe I've created another toe-tapping great, but a few critics feel I've strayed too far from my grunting funk roots. Whatever the case, you can purchase my new long-player on vinyl or 8-track for only $19.95 + international shipping by calling 1-8000-BOOGIE-OR-DIE. Order today and get a free set of Verkoff’s Maracas!"
- Nigel Verkoff, "The Big N Performs Your Remix Favorites!" (2007)

"I notice that not a whole lot of people are reviewing this story. Could this be because a certain illegal download site has gone down?"
- Mr. Oh-So-Wonderful 'I Always Buy At Retail Prices No Matter What Even If I’ve Been Eaten By Wild Dogs' Goody-Two-Shoes Who Absolutely EVERYONE Hates His Guts (2007)

"No gratuitous role for Nick Briggs in this story? Is he ill?"
- Joan Crawford (2008)

"Mind The Eye was, in my opinion, not as good as Better Than Life. Or Back to Reality. Red Dwarf rocks!" - Terry Prachett (2009)

"An enjoyable romp which was a lot of fun, but like a evening snack it just keeps you ticking over and doesn’t quite satisfy you fully."
- The Unpublished Target Novel "Doctor Who and the Cooking Analogies"


Psychotic Nostalgia -
"CRITICS ARE THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO CAN’T HANDLE CRITICISM! But they conduct electricity surprisingly well, all things considered. You think they had copper wires through their veins. Before I actually violently insert copper wires through their actual veins, I mean."


Peter Davison Speaks!
"Now this story was unusual because the Doctor lost his memory, and we hadn’t really done that since my first story, Convex and Concave, where my Doctor went around thinking he was an insane cricketer called Angus McNugget. So, to portray a Time Lord who has lost his memories, those thoughts that make him what he is to day, was a real ask on my acting talents. I had to go right back to my roots as an actor and summon up this vacuity, this innocence, this sort of bland indifference to really get across that loss of self. Paul McGann does the same thing, except he doesn’t so much go back to his roots as an actor, he gets one of his brothers drunk and substitutes them for him in the recording booth."


Nicola Bryant Speaks!
"I have no sense of time, which is not much use as a time traveler. So it’s very lucky I’m not actually a time traveler, I just play one. Specifically, an American teenager. It’s like a therapeutic release. I would seriously have killed someone by now if I couldn’t pretend to be a whiny pampered American brat with low self esteem. Anyone who takes my parking place? Peri Brown saved your miserable life. Mind The Eye is a great story, it embodies a lot of the traditions of Doctor Who – hand over the script and run with the money before they finish reading it."


Caroline Morris Speaks!
"There’s quite a high body count in this story. A lot of people don’t make it. Because I kill them all. I’ve been doing these since 2001, so that’s six years. Wonder how many characters I’ve snuffed out in my time? There’s a geek on Outpost Gallifrey who can probably tell me. Before I slit his miserable throat ear from ear."


Rumors & Facts -

Many people assume that the author of Mind The Eye, Colin Brake, is the same Colin Brake who penned the earlier Fifth Doctor/Peri/Eminem story Two’s Company. This is a complete fabrication, as is the scandalous claims that it was ghost written by Colin Baker under a cunning and anagram-based pseudonym.

In actual fact, Colin "Zonker" Brake is a living legend in Yugoslavian trout-tickling, with many successful novels under his name including "How to Pick Up Chicks By Hypnosis", "How to Pick Up Chicks By Roofies", "How To Defend Yourself In Court On Charges Of Date-Rape" and "Women – Who The Hell Needs Them Anyway?".

After a failed attempt to start his own religion with himself as chief god-figure the Microwave Messiah, Brake became a chef. Exactly how his culinary talents lead to him being mistaken for the guy signed up as Andrew Cartmel’s replacement as script editor for Doctor Who’s twenty-seventh season has never been adequately explained in his non-fiction work "The Uncensored Lifestyle of C. Brake: Jelly Moulds I Have Known And Loved."

Following the confusion non-cancellation of Doctor Who, the two Brakes went their separate ways. "Zonker" Brake moved to California to embark on his lifelong quest to get a decent tan. While there, he enjoyed ending the lives of a college student, a surfer bum, vice-president of a minor Third World country before fleeing California under the label of "serial killer". Returning to England as a British Lord, Brake continued his association with Doctor Who in the form of some truly awful short stories like "Queen For A Minute", "Aliens And Predators Are People Too", and the incredibly crucial arc-story for the Eighth Doctor, Fitz and Anji – "Thin Thighs In Thirty Seconds."

For his first BF audio, "Zonker" Brake decided to use a 'wonderful' storyline he claims that he shelved in 1996 when FOX bought the rights to said plot in order to develop it into their next Doctor Who TV Movie – tragically, as it was all ready to print when it yanked off the slate. Nobody at Virgin Publishing is able to corroborate this story, explain "Zonker" Brake’s bizarre behavior, or reveal why the words "Bad Dog" suddenly began appearing everywhere at their office.

Entitled "Bimbos of the Stratosphere", the story revolved around the Sixth Doctor and Papa Smurf visiting St. Mary’s School for Wayward Girls, ruled by Sister Blood Nostril, using the school as a training ground for an army of impressionable Dustbins. The revelation that the lunatic PE teacher snogging all the older schoolgirls is, in fact, the Valeyard leads directly into the sequel novel, "Pretty Pink Dress of the Dustbins". This adventure took place between the television stories AN UNRULY CHILD and SURVIVAL, although if you try to pin it down to exactly where it fits, Brake will personally come round to your house, make fun of your clothes, and hurl live weasels at you.

Even Big Finish Producer Nicholas Briggs, certifiable madman that he is, could not wrap his frontal lobes around a story involving Dustbins in tutus spinning around a school playground screeching "I WANT MY DOLLY! I WANT MY DOLLY!" for thirty-five minutes not including cliffhanger reprises. Indeed, Briggs needed to recheck that he wasn’t hallucinating again, and had script editor Alan Barnes flogged. But that’s by the by.

Briggs was impressed at "Zonker" Brake’s ability to make people question their own reality, and decided to have a shotgun wedding between this story idea and his long-held (2 week) ambition to get rid of Caroline Morris and her character Fifth Doctor companion Eminem since they got in the way of his attempt to murder Colin Baker during Big Finish’s special one hundredth anniversary release.

The story "Zonker" Brake came up with was an outright theft of Alan Moore’s For The Superman Who Has Everything But Fashion Sense, wherein the man of steel is infected with a plant-like creature that causes him to experience a dream state where he has everything he ever wanted, including a life on a Krypton that didn't explode, a wonderful life with his parents, a wife, and a son. Just to make this steal really apparent to the audience, "Zonker" Brake named the evil plants that threatened the TARDIS crew Kryptonite Weeds.

The story was deliberately linear and forgettable once it was clear what was happening - which was about ten minutes in, so the audience would share the main character’s partial amnesia.

Briggs disliked the final twist, in which it was revealed the entire story happened to be a hallucination on the part of the Doctor, who had succumbed to the plants in the first scene. For a start, Briggs personally hoped the Doctor would have a more interesting fantasy, possibly involving cheerleaders, and also the entire thing was a rip off of Stephen Gallagher’s infamous unmade Fifth Doctor story Nightmare County where Tegan and Turlough drag the Doctor away from a land of make belief created by Vodyani Cheese Products. And Big Finish had ALREADY ripped off Nightmare County as the final episode of Interesting Times with the Fifth Doctor and Nyssa.

Annoyed at this interference with the creative process, "Zonker" Brake went about turning Mind The Eye in a complex collection of clichés, ensuring ANYONE can predict the entire plot from the back-cover blurb. Are Peri and Eminem trapped in some kind of dreamscape or virtual reality? Of course they are. Do we think the Doctor will be able to enter their dreams? Oh yes, he will. If he dies in these dreams will he die in real life? Blah blah blah. "Zonker" Brake then went as to far as to pen a whole extra episode to fit in tedious relationship drama which was a complete waste of time since we know that what is happening isn’t real and will therefore have no long-term consequences.

Ultimately, "Zonker" Brake decided that his first Big Finish audio would be his last... unless the pay gets a lot better, pronto. Since then, he has been deported and now devotes every waking hour to turning the Canadian Telephone Directory into a prize-winning Broadway musical.

He cannot be reached by phone.