Saturday, September 19, 2009

5th Doctor - The Boy That Time Forgot

Serial 6C/L – The One That Fandom Forgets
An Alternate Programme Guide by Ewen Campion-Clarke
An Extract From The EC Unauthorized Programme Guide O' Shame

Serial 6C/L – The One That Fandom Forgets -

-------------Transcriber's Note-------------
Due to the fact that every single person who actually heard this story immediately destroyed their copy of the CD and went to the nearest retailer and destroyed all the others on offer COUPLED with the complete refusal of any fan to discuss the contents of the story, it is impossible to get an official synopsis or listen to the damn story. And you know what? This is a GOOD thing.

With Thomas Brewster having stolen the TARDIS, the Doctor and Nyssa are marooned in Victorian England. Thinking quickly, the Doctor reveals he has the secret of time travel tattooed on his left buttock in binary, so after dropping his trousers and shouting "100110101110101" a lot, both he and Nyssa vanish into the infinite corridors of time.

They then reappear on an island in the South Pacific in 2007. This was where the Doctor met his companion Angus "Gus" Goodman, an American fighter pilot from a universe where the Second World War lasted well into the 1960s. However, Gus died in a shootout, taking no less than six plasma bolts meant for the Doctor – a moment that has truly scarred the Time Lord’s soul.

Thus, he is slightly surprised to discover Gus is alive and has been on the island ever since. He is now an incredibly senile and decrepit old man who keeps pet scorpions for company. Gus now believes he is in fact, a giant spider called Trevor. He then clubs the Doctor unconscious and beats Nyssa up before trying to rape her, foiled at the last possible moment only by octogenarian impotence.

Desperately, the Doctor hits Gus over the head with a spade and miraculously restores Gus’ sanity and morality... about two seconds before the TARDIS materializes in mid air and falls onto Gus’ head, crushing his skull like a cantaloupe.

The Doctor and Nyssa enter the TARDIS and find Thomas Brewster trying to cut the console in half with a hacksaw. They all laugh like the end of a Police Academy movie.

Book(s)/Other Related –
The Plot That Reason Forgot
The One That Should Have Made RTD Close Big Finish Down
Sad Endings (the 4th Doctor MA where he develops a morbid curiosity about the manner of each of his companions’ deaths and decided to attend their funerals, starting with Sarah Jane as a raddled old hag on her death bed)

Goofs -

Fashion Victims –
Gus’ French Foreign Legion hat, bright pink thong and JST-cast-off incredibly-starched tropical shirt

Technobabble –
"The Universe is fashioned out of raw probability and the numbers run very deeply into the fabric of reality, so by altering the numbers, they can alter reality. But enough of this, Doctor. Would you like to play with Beatrice? She’s my favorite!"

Links and References -
The Fifth Doctor’s DWM comic strip adventures occurred during the "Autumn Years" section of Interesting Times (Serial 6C/H), but then we all knew that anyway, didn’t we?

Untelevised Misadventures -
Those self same DWM comic strip adventures. Duh.

Groovy DVD Extras -
A pdf. of "The Time of Tides" compilation of those very DWM comic strips allowing you see the character of Gus before Magrs and Briggs pissed all over it. What joy.

Dialogue Disasters -

Gus: YOU TRAITOR! I’ve waited fifty years to get my revenge!!!
Doctor: For what?? I never betrayed you!

Gus: I’ve been so lonely here! The scorpions worship me and bring me everything I needs, but there’s no sex! KISS ME, NYSSA!
Nyssa: No fucking way! Don’t touch me you freak!
Gus: Don’t mind me, I was just joking. No harm done. I’ve been apart from real people for so long that my social skills are a little rusty. I NEED YOU TO LOVE ME! YOU ARE MY BRIDE!
Nyssa: No I’m not!
Gus: Fine! I don’t object to sex before marriage, in fact I’m into that! Consent is SO yesterday! MY WILLY IS LAW!

Dialogue Triumphs -

Doctor: Gus used to be one of my best friends.
Nyssa: Yes... I still don’t understand WHY.

Doctor: He’s my guilty secret. The one I failed to save.
Nyssa: What about Adric?
Doctor: Who? Oh yeah. Him. He’s one of the two I failed to save. And Liz. And Sara. And Katarina. I didn’t do very well with Robert either, come to think of it. No, wait he’s the one I failed to save I actually gave a tafelshrew’s bollocks about. Get it?
Nyssa: Got it.
Doctor: Good.

Gus: You can’t do this to me!
Nyssa: Yes we can!
Gus: Fuck!

Nyssa: God, I hate the Victorians! Bunch of control freaks pretending to be civilized as they enslave and exploit the rest of the world, making wars and creating inequality...
Doctor: But you’ve GOT to love the fashion!

Viewer Quotes -

"Paul Magrs must die." - Eve Markson (2008)

"Are you fucking kidding me? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!? That is the stupidest idea ever! What is the point of killing off a character, bringing him back to life, and KILLING HIM again! It’s a complete waste of character development... and it makes no sense! WHAT IS THE FUCKING POINT! You think if those fuckers were going to bring him back they’d do something about the whole parallel universe plotline!"
- Adolf Hitler (1944)

"The Big Finish equivalent of Robert Mugabe. Or maybe a Touchwood episode by Phil Ford." - Nigel Verkoff (2009)

"I have subscribed to Big Finish since the very beginning. This is how my loyalty is repaid?... bastards."
- Adolf Hitler (1944)

"I had a vain hope we were just 'previewed' a rough unfinished version of the story that was leaked. So far the story has been delayed for release on both CD and download and this could be just Big Finish’s elaborate scheme to flush a mole out who’s been posting these stories on torrent sites. After all, Big Finish has expressed concerns to those that download these stories... GOD! I LISTENED THROUGH THE WHOLE THING AND IT WAS JUST **SO** PAINFUL TO LISTEN TO IT THAT I JUST CAN’T BELIEVE IT! Big Finish must have LOST THEIR MINDS TOTALLY to produce this HORRIBLE FAN-FIC!!" - Chris Hale (2008)

"In a word – brilliant. Quite simply I thought that was the most gloriously entertaining 100 minutes BF have produced in ages. I loved absolutely every last minute of it Loved it. Loved it. Loved it. Best play of the year, a work of sheer genius. Really liking the inter-story continuity too! Unashamedly funny, thrilling and brilliantly acted by all involved! I LOVE THE WORLD AND EVERYONE IN IT!"
- Lawrence Miles (2009)

"I don’t think I can ever listen to one of their CDs again... maybe if they have more about Peri’s childhood with her being consistently and regularly sexually abused by her stepfather... then at least I’ll get my 'Poward' fix." - Adolf Hitler (1944)

"Wow. And not in a good way. Angus Goodman returns from the dead as the Grand King of the Scorpion People and gets another thrashing before sending him back to the great beyond. The words 'jumping' and 'shark' come to mind." - Kevin Rudd (2009)

"It’s only with Gus you can get away with this crap, isn’t it? I mean, if you did a story about Sarah-Jane, taking the piss out of her as an insane man-hating feminazi caricature who’s physically unable to stop herself preaching about Women’s Lib when she meets another female, no way would it get made! Is it because BF think they’re pretty established as 'non-canon' now that they’re doing this crap?"
- Jared "No Nickname" Hansen (2008)

"...fuck Nick Briggs."
- Adolf Hitler (1944)

Psychotic Nostalgia -
"It was designed to be controversial and ends up merely irritating, like smearing chilly sauce under the fingernails. Magrs has really let himself go since The Starlet Empress, hasn’t he? This was total shit! And Andrew Sacchs is dreadful, hammy and crap! He deserves everything he gets from Russell Brand and Jonathon Ross. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a much better way of spending my time than listening to this garbage. I’m burying garden gnomes in deconsecrated ground!"

Peter Davison Speaks!
"I don’t want to talk about this one. Ever."

Rumors & Facts -

This is... the worst idea ever. Beyond that. The worst ANYTHING ever. For fuck’s sake. Of.. all the possible ways of bringing Gus back... PAUL MAGRS? How could you... how could you get him to do it? Ahhhh fuck.

I might have survived if this was revealed to be a dream sequence. But that would be too kind.

FUCK! I can’t get over how bad this idea is... this is like saying "Hey, I’ll make a sandwich, but with razor blades instead of bread and plutonium instead of meat!" Why doesn’t Magrs just fuck off and write stories where Holmes and Watson are lesbians sharing with Mina Murray. Hasn’t he shat on enough Doctor Who by now? Fuck this. Get Larry Miles to write some stories before you commission this shit. Fuck that get ME to write some! No open submissions when you’re putting THIS shit out?

Seriously, most stuff on Teaspoon & An Open Mind has better ideas than that. Like... I dunno I think that fic where the 5th Doctor found that fountain with gender-bending powers which infected Adric and made him turn into a girl whenever he touched water, and there were lots of stupid anime fight scenes and the Master disguised himself as Basil Fawlty and it went for abut 25 chapters is better than this. brain is still failing to process this. This rivals The Idiot Box in terms of sheer terribleness of concept. It may even SURPASS it.


NO! Apparently he, and he alone, is too crap an actor to appear in Big Finish. Unlike, say, heavy-weights of Conrad Westmaas’ calibre. Oh, Gay Russell, where are you when we NEEDED you?!

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