Monday, June 28, 2010

Guide... to the GUIDE

This blog exists for a reason - and that's a damn sight more than most blogs can say about themselves. This exists because bravenet web hosting decide one day that my patronage is not worth more than 5 megabytes and freeze my wonderful, patronizingly-easy to use guide page, revealing the scandalous truth behind the production of Doctor Who; an awful truth covered up in media lies and childhood nostalgia by a generation who refuse to see what's in front of their face and acknowledge how sick their favorite show is. This guide reveals the truth, just as Charles Daniels uncovered the horrible behind-the-scenes nightmare of the Classic Series.

Alas, opinion is divided on the subject following 1989's Survival. Did it end there? Did it continue? Were we all just watching the wrong channel? And where does Big Finish fit in? Well, I shall tell you!

For contained in this makeshift blog of unholy... stuff... are the intensely revealing guides to

The TV Movie!
Big Finish releases!
Missing Adventures for the Fifth through Eighth Doctors!
The New Welsh TV Series!
Doctor Who Unsoiled, Dustbin Umpire, Gallifrey 90210, SJ Goes Psycho and many many more!

The truth is in here.

Unless I'm lying.

Only one way to find out, so here's a non-linear, non-subjective, wibbly-wobbly ball of chronology...


Season 14

Exploitation: Earth
Dr Who & The Fishy Bastards
Mofo from the Future
Valley of the Lust

Season 15

Serial 4S/A – Destination: B-Ark
Serial 4S/B – The Renet Rivkin Man
Serial 4S/C – The Wrath of the Mankini
Serial 4S/D – Egomania of the Dustbins
Serial 4S/E – The Cocktail of the White Worm
Serial 4S/F – The Offside Adventure

Paul Margrs Presents: Horny Pests
Paul Margrs Presents: Demeaning Quests
Paul Margrs Presents: The Satire's Wearing a Bit Thin, Don't You Think?

Season 16

The Apathy Matter
The Sands of Liff
The War Against the Lamb
Sammo & Jackie Cutaway!
Phantoms of the Dip


Season 19

Serial 6C/A – The Band of the Dead
Serial 6C/B – Sphincter for the Adept
Serial 6C/C – The Mutant Phrase
Serial 6C/D – PRIME Evil
Serial 6C/E – Bare Parts
Serial 6C/F – Teachers of Footy
Serial 6C/G – On The Game
Serial 6C/H – Interesting Times
Serial 6C/I – Nostalgia of the Dustbins
Serial 6C/J – Hellbound to Vortis!
Serial 6C/K – The Fawning of Thomas Brewster
Serial 6C/L – The One That Fandom Forgets
Serial 6C/M – Crime Spree / Thief Encounters
Serial 6C/N – Castle Phobia
Serial 6C/O – The Eternal Bummer
Serial 6C/P – Resident Evil of the Dustbins
Serial 6C/Q – The Cretins of Red Lodge and Other Morons -- NEW!

Season 20

Serial 6E/A – Omigod
Serial 6E/B – The Effete
Serial 6E/C – Hexagonal
Serial 6E/D – Chilblains of Seth
Serial 6F/A – Codswallop
Serial 6F/B – The Whispering Florist
Serial 6F/C – The Label of the Snake
Serial 6F/D – Low Album of Snotar
Serial 6F/E – KISS of Death
Serial 6F/F – Rattatouie
Serial 6F/G – The Emerald Burger
Serial 6F/H – The Jupiter Congestion Charge
Serial 6F/I – The Murderer of Melbourne
Serial 6F/J –
Serial 6K/A – The Four Companions

Season 21A

Serial EX01 – Excelsior Yawns
Serial 6P/A – Fan & Phantasmagoria
Serial 6P/B – Louis Gooey
Serial 6P/C – Singular Angularity

Season 21B

Serial 6Q/A – Red China
Serial 6Q/A1 – The Ice Cream of Judgement
Serial 6Q/A2 – The Destroyer of Denial
Serial 6Q/A3 – The Pool of Closure
Serial 6Q/AA – Xtro 4 / Urban Legend of the Viyrans
Serial 6Q/B – The Eyes of Scorpius
Serial 6Q/C – Doctor Who Wrecks Disney World
Serial DWMCD03 – No Phone, No Home
Serial 6Q/D – Necrophilia
Serial 6Q/E – The Axis of Banality
Serial 6Q/F – The Spoof of the World
Serial 6Q/G – Two's Company
Serial 6Q/H – The Council of Niceties
Serial 6Q/I – Doctor Who Discovers The Bloody Mystery In The Bloody Tower Of Bloody Secrets!
Serial DWMCD05 – The Veiled Leotard
Serial 6Q/J – The Sequel
Serial DWMCD09 – Consumerism
Serial 6Q/K – Son of a Bitch
Serial 6Q/L – Mind The Eye
Serial 6Q/M – The Bride of Paddington / Messing with the Viyrans


Season 22

Serial 6W/A – Lavros
Serial 6W/B – Cryptosporidium
Serial 6Y/A – The Year of the Lame Dog!

Season 23A

Serial 6Z/A – Whispers of Error
Serial 6Z/AA – Recorded Whine
Serial 6Z/B – ...ick!
Serial 6Z/C – The Rip-off
Serial SS2 – The Unholy Error

Season 23B

Serial SS5 – The Worm of the Rani
Serial SS3 – The Maltesa Penguin
Serial 7CPRE-A – One Final Fight
Serial FIX – A Hitch with Snotarans
Serial EX02 – Excelsior Merchandising
Serial DWMCD02 – The Meep's Sweeps
Serial 7CPRE-A/A – Id / Prank Call of the Viyrans
Serial 7CPRE-A/B – Sitcom of Spite
Serial 7CPRE-A/C – The Deck of the Titan
Serial 7CPRE-A/D – Lemon-Soaked Paper Napkins of the Cybermen

Season 23C

Serial 7C/A – The Maid Marian Conspiracy
Serial 7C/B – The Inspector of Lanyon Moor
Serial 7C/C – The Apocalypse Elephant
Serial 7C/D – Mud Ride
Serial 7C/E – Project: Nightlight
Serial 7C/F – The Soundman
Serial 7C/G – D'you Believe This?
Serial 7C/?? – The Real Thing
Serial 7C/H – Doctor Who and the Goodies
Serial 7C/J – Project: Enigma
Serial 7C/K – Engagements That Bore
Serial 7C/L – Medicinal Porpoises
Serial 7C/MA – Seaside Suicide
Serial 7C/MB – The Anywhere Place
Serial 7C/MC – 300
Serial 7C/MD – The Assassin Who Died Twice
Serial 7C/ME – The Wangst of Thomas Brewster
Serial 7C/MF – The Farce of Exxon 
Serial 7C/MG – Industrial Inaction -- NEW!
Serial 7C/MH - The Cuss of Lavros
Serial 7C/MJ - The Whore's Fall
Serial 7C/MK - Wirrn Ill
Serial 7C/T – Thicker Than Two Short Planks

Season 24

Serial 7C/S – The Afronauts
Serial 7C/U – Caption: 1782
Serial 7C/V – The Widow's Peak / Vanity Mirror of the Viyrans
Serial 7C/Z – There Can Only Be One Doctor...

Unseen Season A

Serial 6Z/1 – The Care-Bear Nightmare Fair
Serial 6Z/2 – Messing With Magnus
Serial 6Z/3 – The Penultimate Evil
Serial 6Z/4 – Revenge of the Autons
Serial 6Z/5 – SlipUp

Unseen Season B

Serial 6Z/6 – Guardians of Pomposity
Serial 6Z/7 – Leviable
Serial 6Z/8 – Woodlice In the Hollows of Time
Serial 6Z/9 – Enable Macros
Serial 6Z/10 – David Bowie -vs- The Space Whale

Unseen Season C

Serial 6Z/11 – The Ballad of Joe December
Serial 6Z/12 – Cats in the Cradle
Serial 6Z/13 – Attack from the Fred
Serial 6Z/14 – Paradise V: End of Term
Serial 6Z/15 – Gallimaufry


Season 24

Serial PRE-7D – Degenerate!
Serial 7E/A – Go-Book-A-Room!
Serial 7E/B – Fist-Fight
Serial 7F/A – The Fans of Vulcan
Serial 7F/Z – Orange

Season 27 - After Survival

Serial 7R – The Fishmonger
Serial 7S – The Jazzercize Machine
Serial 7T – Bust Reading
Serial 7U – Coleslaw Cutaway
Serial 7V – The Rupture
Serial 7W – The Cyb-Fest
Serial 7W/A – The Dreaming
Serial 7W/B – The Chaser's War on Colony 34
Serial 7W/C – Night Thoughts
Serial 7W/D – The Crossing
Serial 7W/E – A School for Glory!
Serial 7W/F – Nicotine
Serial 7W/G – Hostage
Serial 7W/H – Twenty-Four
Serial 7W/J – The Magic Mushroom
Serial 7W/K – Enmity of the Dustbins
Serial 7W/L – Network
Serial 7W/M – Project: Density
Serial 7W/N – A Dearth In The Fanon
Serial 7W/O – Animal Magnetism
Serial 7W/P – Project From The Diaphragm
Serial 7W/Q – Black and Blue
Serial 7W/R – Clods and Monsters

Season 27 Up - Better Late Than Never

Serial 7P/1 – Live Aid
Serial 7P/2 – Thin Ice
Serial 7P/3 – The Sale of the Century
Serial 7P/4 – Addiction
Serial 7P/5 – Hellbound to Fargo
Serial 7P/6 – Night Thoughts
Serial 7P/7 – Animal Magnetism
Serial 7P/8 – Illegal Alien
Serial 7P/9 – A School for Glory!
Serial 7P/10 – The Crossing
Serial 7P/11 – Hostage
Serial 7P/12 – Network
Serial 7P/13 – Lords of the Silence
Serial 7P/14 – Republica: Ready to Go
Serial 7P/15 – Preposterous Island
Serial 7P/16 – The Left Wing of Darkness
Serial 7P/17 – ITV: The Other Side
Serial 7P/18 – Gits for the Night
Serial 7P/19 – Goats
Serial 7P/20 – Only The Lonely
Serial 7P/21 – Blood Spurts
Serial 7P/22 – Plotline

Season 27 - Before The TV Movie

Serial DWMCD01 – Clash of the Titans
Serial DUCD02A – Dustbin Umpire: Hellbound to Fargo!
Serial EX03 – Excelsior Bouquets
Serial 7X – Project: Lazarou
Serial 7Y – Bastard
Serial 7Z – The Tarrants of Time
Serial 7Z/A – Van Halen
Serial 7Z/AA – Robophilia
Serial 7Z/AB – The Doomsday of Suzie Quattro
Serial 7Z/AC – Illegal Alien
Serial 7Z/B – Frozen Crime
Serial 7Z/C – The Debt Collectors / Spider's Chateau
Serial 7Z/D – Kingdom of Arnickleton / Blog Post
Serial 7Z/E – A Thousand Whiny Things
Serial 7Z/F – Survival of the Fetish / A Klutzy Story
Serial 7Z/G – The Sexing-Up of History

The New Adventures

Serial SS1 – The Reservation of the Scourge
Serial SS4 – The Dark Llama


Season 28

Serial 8A – Doctor Root & The Enema Within
Serial 8M – Shagged’er II: This Time, It’s Finished
Serial 8D – Sick Morning
Serial 8C – Bored of Ironing
Serial 8B – The Stoned of Venice
Serial 8E – Inuit in Hull

Season 29

Serial 8F – Evaders from Bars
Serial 8G – The Crime of Fright-Night
Serial 8S – Vogon Cutaway
Serial 8H – Reasons to Care
Serial 8L – Encase the Arseholes
Serial 8K – The Rhyme of the Dustbins
Serial 8J – Nowhere-Land

Season 30

Serial 8N – Zig-Zag-Gay-Ass
Serial REG – I Scream "Boom-Shaka-Laka!"
Serial 8R – Schizo
Serial 8P – The Credo of the Moron
Serial 8O – The Actual Mystery of Beer
Serial 8Q – The Twice-A-Night Kingdom

Season 31

Serial 8V – Faith Dealer
Serial 8U – The Lust
Serial 8T – Cardiff
Serial 8W – The Best Wife

Season 32

Serial 8X – Terri’s Firmer
Serial 8Y – Sail Away
Serial 8Z – Other Lies
Serial 9A – Clock Work
Serial 9B – Rubik’s Cube
Serial 9C – Baker Street

Season 33

Serial 9K – Ablutions
Serial 9L – The Girl Who Never Was A Virgin
Serial 9D – Lymph of the Dustbins
Serial 9E – Horror of the Music Industry
Serial 9F – Immoral Bedfellows
Serial 9G – Deimos
Serial 9H – Tell Me Lies
Serial 9J – Hostile Takeover

Season 34

Serial 9R – Dead Cardiff
Serial 9P – Top Gear
Serial 9Q – Brave New World
Serial 9O – The Skull of Sobriety
Serial 9M – Grand Theft Auto: Cardiff, 1898
Serial 9N – The Bygone Who Sold The World
Serial 9S – The Vengeance of Moby

Season 35

Serial 9X – Obituary
Serial 9T – Neil’s Lentil House of Total Nourishment
Serial 9U – The Breasts of Orlock
Serial 9Y – Wirrrn-Born
Serial 9Z – The Space Goat
Serial 9Z/A – The Cannabis
Serial 9W – The Eight Years
Serial 9V – The Michaelmas Special

Season 36

Serial 9Z/C – The Company of Jerks
Serial 9Z/D – The Silver Berk
Serial 9Z/E – The Bitch from the Well
Serial 9Z/F – Amy of De'Ath
Serial 9Z/B – Hellbound to Messaline!

Season 37

Serial 10C – The Company of Jerks 2: Pretty Vacant
Serial 10B – Neverwhere
Serial 10A – The Book of Chelmsford 123
Serial 10D – Phobos
Serial 10E – The Michaelmas Goof
Serial 10F – Cigars of the Pharoahs
Serial 10G – Joey Ross Must Die
Serial 10H – The Audio Doctors
Serial 10J – Hellbound to Fanwank!


Doctor Who 2005 -- THE TRIP OF A LIFE-TIME!

101 – Ruse
102 – The Restaurant At The End Of The World
103 – The Presuming Ed
104 – Alias of London
105 – I, Dustbin
106 – The Long Haul
107 – Death Day
108 – Shell Shock
109 – Funky Town!
110 – The Parting of the Legs
111 – Afterlife
112 – The Michaelmas Evasion
113 – Attack of the Grinch


201 – Earth 2.0
202 – The Nun In the Lift-Shaft
203 – School's Out!
204 – Silver Finish
205 – The Drunken Ginger Bride
206 – The Santa Tip
207 – The Idiot Box
208 – Love & Pizzas
209 – Filler
210 – Dustbin -vs- Cyberman!
211 – The Michaelmas Werewolf


301 – Smith & Weston
302 – The Shakespeare of Evil
303 – The Macramé Gridlock
304 – The Dustbins on Broadway!
305 – The Lazarou Experiment
306 – The Infinite Jest
307 – 47
308 – Human Nature
309 – Blank
310 – Dystopia
311 – The Beat of the Drums
312 – Lust of the Time Lords
313 – Time Crush
314 – The Michaelmas Cruise

Doctor Who 2008 -- we actually forgot to think up a catchphrase this year

401 – Bunglers in Crime
402 – Planet of the Odd
403 – The Fans of Up, Pompeii!
404 – The Snotaran Strategy
405 – To The Doctor, A Daughter
406 – The Undertaker & The Writer
407 – Midday
408 – Silence of the Librarians
409 – Wrong Turn
410 – Journey Till Dawn
411 – Prom of the Grinch
412 – The Michaelmas Imposter

Doctor Who 2009 -- LESS IS MORE!!

413 – Escape to Danger on the Planet in Space Cutaway!
414 – Freak Encounter

415 – The Jedward Nightmare

416 – Dream On!
417 – The Pantheon of Discord UNPLUGGED!!!
418 – The Water-Fights of Mars
419 – The Michaelmas Apocalypse
420 – Swan Song for Tennant



501 – Eleven Plus Eleven
502 – The Breasts Below
503 – War-Bonds of the Dustbins
504 - Epic Fail of the Dustbins
505 - STD of the Cybermen
506 – Flesh-Time of the Stone Angels
507 – The Surf-Boarding Killer Bikini Vampire Girls Suck Venice
508 – Amy's Pro-Choice
509 – Cold Spunk
510 – That Vincent & Doctor Look
508 – Tardyness
508 – Token Appearance Of The Vashta Nerada
509 – The Blogger
510 – The Gnab Gib
511 – Dearth of the Grinch
512 – The Michaelmas Tradition

Doctor Who 2011 -- SHADDUP YA FACE!

601 – The NTAs of Doom
602 – Weapons-Grade Fetish Fuel
603 – Dr. Who USA!!
604 - What Are Cliches Made Of?
605 - Captain Jack Sparrow & The Pirates of Cornwall
606 – The Doctor's Bitch
607 – Gangbangers
608 – A Good Show Goes Off The Air For Six Months
609 - Let's Shag Thatcher!
609 – The Girl Who Whinged
610 – The Lawrence Miles Complex
611 - "Depth" Is The Only Answer
612 – The Blogger 2: Blog Harder!
613 - Everyone Hates River Song
614 – Yet Another Michaelmas Special


Doctor Who Unsoiled

Arse Morality
Sympathy for the Devil
Full Fist Five
It Just Doesn't Matter!
Whose Exile Is It Anyway?
A Swarm of Angles
The Alternate Adventure!
Seven Keys to My Pants
The Cuss of the Dustbins
Engines of Dust-Eradication

The Expanded Whoniverse

I, Lavros
Dustbin Umpire: Return of the Dustbins
Dustbin Umpire: Warzone
Dustbin Umpire: Mutually Assured Hygiene
Dustbin Umpire: The Hopeless
Cybermen I
Cybermen II
SJ Goes Mad In Dorset

SJ Goes Completely Apeshit In Dorset
The Two Companions (and that little shit called Thomas Brewster)
Gallifrey 90210: Future Tense
Gallifrey 90210: Past Lives
Gallifrey 90210: Here Today, Gone Tomorrow
Gallifrey 90210: Going Nowhere Fast
Sammo & Jackie: Hardcore Heteros of Hong Kong
Sammo & Jackie 2: It Got Worse
Sammo & Jackie 3: Leela In Da Hood
A Dark, Gripping, Complex, Sinister, Aggressive, Ultraviolent, Mindbendingly Apocalyptic Tale of Power, Sex, Money, Subterfuge, Corruption, Revelation, Discovery, Death, Transformation, Media Manipulation, Political Intrigue and Awakening Evil

Charley's Odyssey: The Continuing Sexcapades Of Charlotte E Pollard!!

Season One

Serial CP0 – Fly Charley to the Moon!
Serial CP1 – Contempt of Charley
Serial CP2 – The Doomswood Charley
Serial CP3 – Charley & Das Kapital of the Dustbins
Serial CP4 – Charley’s Odyssey: Hellbound to Nuclei!
Serial CP5 – The Raincloud Charley
Serial CP6 – Charley -vs- Dustbin -vs- Viyran
Serial CP7 – Charley Gets A Paper Cut
Serial CP8 – The Charley Finale

Season Two

Serial CP9 – Charley Plays With Herself


TOUCHWOOD 2006 -- Retconopalooza!

Flotsam & Jetsam
Nude Girl
Plot Device
The Trouble With Lisa Is That She’s A Cyber-Woman
Assignment Seven: Fairie Folk... of DEATH!
Touchwood Versus The Sawney Beane Family!
Lesbians Bearing Telepathy
They Keep Shagging Suzie
Invisible Restal
Out of Ideas
Fight Club Cardiff
Captain Jack Sparrow
Shit! Apocalpyse!

TOUCHWOOD 2008 -- The Spunk of Yesterday!

Separation Anxiety
To The Last Cliché
Touchwood Versus The Magic Kebab!
Adam's Back
Owen Harper, Zombie Jerk
The Cautionary Tale of Lucie Miller
Something Borrowed From Joss Whedon
From Out of the Blue
Gwen Cutaway
Blast from the Past
Exit Stage Freaking Left
Hard-On Collision

TOUCHWOOD 2009 – Downsized!

PC Andy Takes Over The Asylum
Golden Brown
Phone Sex
Touchwood Versus The Children of the Revolution

TOUCHWOOD 2011 - The Nude World!

Touchwood Fucks Up Absolutely Everything, USA-Style!

The Superiority Complex Doctor Who Audio Dramas

The Jeffrey Coburn Era

70C – Countdown to Armadillo
1D – A Polygon
2D – The Price of Paris
3D – Dork Dreams
4D – Target Saigon
5D – The Thyme Brokers
6D – Fictional Hippopotamus
7D – The Empire of the Dustbins Strikes Back!
8D – The Doomsday Single
9D – The Backpacker of the Night
10D – Augury of the Dustbins
11D – The Warlords of Apeshit
EB2 – Can You Pwn The Devil?
12D – Divine Aura # 4
13D – Devil Gate Drive
14D – Polymorph
15D – The Curse of the Arabs
16D – The Seventh Album of Darkmere
17D – Château du Dragon
18D – Radio Y2K
19D – The Hidden Bonus
20D – The Cardiff Rift
1E – The Pretension Society
EB1 – Hackneyed Putrefaction

Thursday, February 4, 2010

10th Doctor - Twittersode

Serial Twattersode – The Jedward Nightmare
An Alternate Program Guide by Ewen Campion Clarke
From An Entry In The EC Unauthorized Guide O' Twits

"YOA's Discontinuity Guides - Inaccurate But Caring."

Serial Twattersode – The Jedward Nightmare -

This unhappy bubble of anal wind in the bathtub of the Whoniverse has slipped most people by. Lucky them. I, however, was not so lucky and thus transcribe all six minutes and two seconds of the damn thing, so that all readers will be able to share my suffering!

(Theme music begins.)

Announcer from Sapphire & Steel: DOCTAH HOO!!!!

Christian: Oh, it’s a good job the bed is here in the AbsoluteRadio Zoo! I’m getting so stressed about John and Edward doing Queen on this weekend’s "X Factor" that it’s putting me off being the host of the Christian O’Connell Show.

Doctor: [suspicious] Very natural delivery you have there, Christian...

(A strange swirling noise.)

Christian: MY WORD! The TARDIS has landed on this bed!

Doctor: [to himself] That wasn’t the TARDIS... Sorry? That wasn’t the TARDIS sound effect, you nicked that from Romp with the Rani from 1987... OH!! I’ve landed – I’m not staying in character though, this crap doesn’t deserve it.


Doctor: Oh look! I’ve landed on a crappy old bed and narrowly famous DJ - did YOU write this? - well, mildly-known DJ Christian O’Connell! What’s wrong, Christian? Your brow is furrowed!

Christian: Oh, Jedward are going to ruin Queen on "X Factor" this weekend! Rumors are out there that they’re going to do Radio Gaga! Give us a way to stop them!

Doctor: I could help you there. The Bastard is the force behind this!

Christian: ...what? SIMON COWELL?!

Doctor: [pained sigh] No. John Simm.

Christian: He CAN’T BE!! He’s currently appearing in "Speaking in Tongues" at the Duke of York Theatre until the 12th of December!

Doctor: [bored] Trust me, I’ll end this.

Christian: But you CAN’T DO THIS ON YOUR OWN! You’ll need help! I KNOW! Take Martin, AbsoluteRadio’s long-serving Jamaican security guard!

Martin: Ahm sexier dan Billie Pipah and dat Freema put tagetha!

Doctor: [impressed] ...that’s very good! Very good!

Christian: Let’s just CHECK on the Gallifrey TRAVEL before we GO!

Irish Girl: There’s a broken-down spaceship on your exit for Uranus.

(Loooooooooooooooong pause. Crickets chirp.)

Christian: A cheeky Uranus gag there - doesn’t hurt anybody, does it, to keep it going? That’s the kids turning off, crying "Mummy, what’s a...?" And lets the RADAR WEATHER FOR THE GALAXY!!

Newsreader: We’re expecting a meteor shower at lunchtime today.

Christian: I can also get Eddie the Sports Guy to find out how Gallifrey Athletics got...

Doctor: [interrupts] Where is he, anyway?!

Christian: Go on with the script and you’ll understand the joke.

Doctor: Oh. OK.

Christian: I can also get Eddie our Sports Guy to find out how Gallifrey Athletic got on last night.

Doctor: Don’t bother. We must go. We’ve only got 140 seconds to play with!

(The silly noise from "Romp with the Rani" again.)

Doctor: You morons actually think that sound effect is the TARDIS?!

Christian: IT **IS** THE TARDIS!!

Doctor: That’s not a TARDIS!


Martin: It’s a toilet flushing!

Doctor: Yeah, a toilet flushing in a portaloo!!

Martin: So it’s perfect for dis.

Doctor: Well said, Martin. You’re a keeper. Anyway. Ah, AH!

Martin: Ah?

Doctor: Ah.

Christian: AHHHHHH.

Doctor: ...OK. Here I am, at the Bastard’s swinging bachelor pad! Jings! He’s so evil he can be a happily married husband AND a swinging bachelor simultaneously! Morning, Lucie Bleeding Miller!

Lucie: Ello, Doctor! Oo are these ponces you’re travelling with this week?

Bastard: [depressed] Oh Lucie, don’t let him in!

Doctor: Oh, John, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry mate. I’m so sorry to have got you caught up in this...

(The Bastard can be heard sobbing.)

Lucie: Do I get an apology too?

Doctor: Yeah, why the hell not? Sorry, Sheridan.

Lucie: Ah, I’ve had lower ebbs in me career. Though I’m not alone in that, eh, Christian?

Christian: Piss off you malignant whore.

Doctor: You’re being very brave, John...

Bastard: [weeping] You SAID you were being a DJ, you dirty liar!!

Doctor: I’m going to be, honest! And YOU said you were currently appearing in "Speaking in Tongues" at the Duke of York Theater until the 12th of December!

Bastard: ...I am. [happy] Book now to avoid disappointment, kids!

Lucie: Can we get on with this? I don’t like the way that DJ’s stroking his nipples while looking at me.

Doctor: Oh, I thought he was doing that at ME.

Martin: No, ee does dat to evrayone, Daktah.

Bastard & Lucie & Doctor: Ewwww.

Bastard: However! However... hang on a sec... in between performances of "Speaking in Tongues" at the Duke of York Theater until the 12th of December I am plotting the downfall of the Cowell Empire!

Doctor: How?

Bastard: By masterminding Jedward!

(The Bastard laughs diabolically.)

Doctor: Very good diabolic laughter. Ahem. Not any longer, you’re not! Martin! Take him out!

Martin: Take dat.

(Long pause.)

Christian: LITTLE bit late there, Richie... You nodding off there? A little slack!

Doctor: Wow, you’re good. One punch and it’s over. What a script...

(Four cheesy punch sound effects.)

Doctor: Oh, wow, there we go!

Martin: Yeah, dere we go!

Doctor: SEVERAL punches and then it’s all over. What an improvement.

Lucie: (spooky) He will knock you out four times!

Bastard: Not now, dear, it’s just sounding pretentious.

Christian: Hang on, Martin! LINE!

Martin: It had to be.

Doctor: What did?

Lucie: I dunno, I think he’s trying to justify resolving the plot by beating people up. What a message to send to the children.

Bastard: Lucie, my sweet, be honest - no children listen to shite like AbsoluteRadio. No one listens to it at all...


Lucie: [hurt] Yeah, well, fuck you, Christian.

Bastard: We have innumerably better things to do. Like appear in "Speaking in Tongues" at the Duke of York Theater until the 12th of December. Come Lucie, what’s done is done! Don’t you wanna feel what I wanna feel, baby?

Lucie: Lalah-lalah-lahlah-lah!

Bastard & Lucie: Embracing! The thought of tasting! Our minds are a labyrinth! Our hearts are racing!

Martin: We are runnin out av tarm. We have to get Christie-yan back to de studio before he starts da next song.

Doctor: [sighs] Let’s go then.

(Another silly sound effect.)

Doctor: Oh, jings...


(The noise ends.)


Doctor: Jings, Christian, you WERE there at the time, remember?

Martin: He’s always like dis, da stupid twat.

Doctor: Don’t worry, those freaky-haired twins won’t be bothering your weekends ever again.

Christian: THAT’S GREAT NEWS! And can you do ONE MORE THING before you GO?!

Doctor: This is going to be about giving Danny Minogue another facial expression isn’t it?

Christian: MAYBE!

Doctor: Well, you empty-headed disc jockey, I’m great mates with her sister and I’m not going to get on the wrong side of her by dissing her easily-forgotten sibling live over the airwaves. I mean, there’s no one listening bar some poor sod in Dulwich Hill Australia, but it’s the principle that counts.

Ewen: Yeah! Fight the machine, Doctor!

Doctor: Ewen, please, this is embarrassing enough.

Ewen: I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.

Doctor: Don’t take the piss out of me, ya wee hippie! Off with you!

Christian: But you MUST SAY THE PUNCHLINE!!!

Doctor: [sighs] I’m. Not. A. Miracle. Worker. HAPPY?

(Ridiculous canned laughter begins.)


Doctor: I’m sorry, John!

Bastard: Tough!

Lucie: See ya at Christmas, Davey boy! Gimme love to Paul!

Doctor: Will do!


(Another silly sound effect.)

All: Switch that fucking thing off!!

The End.

Book(s)/Other Related –
Dr Who & The Twitter of the Bastard
Absolut Who (Russian editions only)
When Very Boring DJs Go Slightly Peculiar

Fluffs – David Tennant seemed to finally snap during this story.

Goofs -
...well, Tennant considers the whole thing the biggest mistake of his career so anything else would be pretty much redundant, wouldn’t it?

Fashion Victims -
Watching the video feed reveals the entire cast were forced, sometimes at gunpoint, to appear naked during the recording of episode. So, yeah, we’re ALL victims this time.

Technobbable -
A "psycho-field neural perception filtration overdrive" is what makes organized fandom completely forget this exists. Presumably David Tennant and John Simms had it set up to erase the humiliation they experienced appearing in it?

Dialogue Disasters -
It’s a judgement call.

Dialogue Triumphs -
Your mileage may vary.

UnQuotable Quote -
Lucie: We ARE getting paid for this, right?

Links and References -
The Bastard asks after Jenny, specifically if she’s in a long-term relationship at the moment as Lucie fancied a threesome and the idea of banging the Doctor’s ex-companion and his daughter simultaneously "amused him". Both Lucie and the Doctor feel this is "fucking disturbing", even from the Bastard.

Untelevised Misadventures -
Once again, I myself turn out to be a semi-canonical companion. But I haven’t joined the military, been abandoned in a pocket universe, had my memory wiped or just out-and-out died horribly.
Yay me.

Groovy DVD Extras -
This IS a groovy DVD extra. If you can find it. But don’t bother.

The Spite of Sparacus -
"These specials are the last Doctor Who RTD will produce, surely he should use them to go out on a high and show the very best of what he can do, like the brilliant piece of taut, scary, thought-provoking and challenging writing rather than the bombastic and rather silly populist, lightweight comedic pap that I hate. RTD shouldn’t CARE what mass audiences want and focus on things that I personally find interesting and remind me of 1975 when Doctor Who reached its quality peak. What is wrong with wanting the show to abandon thirty years of social development and the desires of contemporary casual viewers? Lightweight comedy is NOT proper Doctor Who! Tom Baker is not PART of the series because I say so! I HAVE A DEGREE!!!"

Viewer Quotes -

"Shit! He’s onto us! Quickly, to Brazil!"
- John and Edward (2009)

"You SURE this actually happened, Ewen? Outside your head, I mean?"
- Cameron J Mason (2010)

"Jedward would be brilliant in Doctor Who! They could play identical twin clones of Adric and then be forced at gunpoint to bugger each other live on TV while reciting dialogue from the Twin Double-D Lemma! My name? Um. Yellow Sticky Fluid!"
- Joshua Wynne-Cunt (2009)

"I could never buy that bed. Chris O’Connell has lain in it."
- Numerous fangirls on eBay (2010)

"It’s so funny! Wait, did I say "funny"? I meant... pathetic."
- the cast of The OC (2009)

David Tennant Speaks!
"I tried to face it like a man, this skit, this sketch, this... whatever! Call it what you will; it’s a career-ender."

Chris O’Connell Speaks!
"That bed was ridiculously small for a big guy like Dave Tennant – especially for fifteen years of fun! He says there were never more than two people on it at the same time when things got frisky, but I don’t buy it! If that bed could talk it would moan, 'Oooh, David' with ecstasy and there’s no denying it. I’m not obsessed with Tennant’s sex-life, though. I treat EVERYONE like this."

RTD Speaks!
"Don’t look at me, Skippy, I had NOTHING to do with this!"

Trivia -
This really happened. I didn’t make it up.

Rumors & Facts -

Having finished recording every last possible scene as Doctor Who, David Tennant immediately began a new career path of being an incredibly sexy and popular DJ. Unfortunately, the first radio station he got a job at was, renowned for being edgy. And by "edgy" I mean crap. Stan Zemanak wouldn’t waste his time with those losers.

The first day on the job, Tennant decided to kill two birds with one stone and sell his 15-year-old wrought iron bed complete with 2005 Dustbin bedspread to the highest bidder for charity. Fellow DJ Christian O’Connell offered to publicize the whole thing for free using his inaccurately named "zoo room" in return for a favor.

It was something Tennant should never have agreed to.

O’Connell demanded in return that his radio show get all the publicity, and he would use it to channel his passionate hatred of the Jedward Twins on The X Factor.

It was O’Connell’s idea to do a live radio episode simultaneously podcast on the radio website, and also using a script composed entirely by the subnormal freaks on Twitter. He bullied and blackmailed Tennant into getting his co-stars Sheridan Smith and John Simm involved, and then demanded they all get naked, climb into the bed and then record the episode with no rehearsal whatsoever.

Thankfully the police arrived within ten minutes and O’Connell is now safely locked up and lobotomized in a Home for the Terminally Bewildered and being drip-fed industrial tranquilizers. He is no longer a threat to innocent people and David Tennant now runs a far more popular and professional radio interview show.

Well, he DID. Until he got bored, quit and fled to Chicago.

Watching the live footage of the episode actually makes the whole thing make even LESS sense than it did on audio! Even with the disturbing bit about all the actors recording naked it in the same bed, there’s weirdness like:

- Chris Moyles running in front of the camera and snapping a microphone stand over his knee while dressed as a nun;

- John Simm idly carving his initials into the wall with a working laser screwdriver prop;

- a group of clearly-drunk extras dressed as Autons stumbling into the room and falling unconscious to the floor;

- Sheridan Smith playing on her drum kit using only her breasts;

- David Tennant openly weeping as he flipped ahead in the script;

- Martin Dajan’s unmentioned ability to levitate, meaning he was flying around the room while acting (which admittedly explains his slightly distracted performance);

- the narrator throwing glass bottles at Christian O’Connell every time he spoke;

- and, of course, the hoards of Oompa-Loompas in the background.
David Tennant to continue his baffling desire to sing in every episode, if only to drone out the inappropriate sound effect of the TARDIS taking off in lieu of theme music...

"The Career Beyond" by Those Who Must Suffer Christian O’Connell.

"I can mime this at the start -
Easy peasy for two hearts!"
Said I, as I read the script
Then I twigged I’d been tricked!

One day I’ll forget this trial
And think of radio without bile
Start once again as a DJ
So much humiliation in only one day!

Every man must, soon or late,
Knock four times at the Gate:
When we weigh in - you and I -
How can career better die?

On this sunlit steeple chase
Out of time and lost in space
Mocking X Factor and Simon Cowell
It’s enough to make you howl!

"Special guest star?" I’m so sorry, mate!
At the time, all seemed straight -
Didn’t know the plan of that sod
Our only hope now is the mercy of God!

Carve in stone above my head
Words that old twat Christian said:
"Fame he sought, and fame he found,
In that AbsoluteRadio sound!"

10th Doctor - Soa Til

Serial TTN-1 – Freak Encounter
An Alternate Program Guide by Ewen Campion Clarke
From An Entry In The EC Unauthorized Guide O' Last Straws Breaking

"YOA's Discontinuity Guides - Inaccurate But Caring."

Serial TTN-1 – Freak Encounter -

The TARDIS has been stolen by a strange being resembling Patterson Joseph in the traditional fashion nightmare worn by the Time Lords of Gallifrey for press conferences. Once alone in his stolen time machine, the evil man peels off his suddenly-unconvincing Foamasi flesh mask and Time Lord regalia to reveal...


Only... blue.

Alas, the TARDIS is as likely to arrive on Gallifrey as much as Gateshead, and so fetches up in Cardiff once more. As the alien wrestles with controls and babbles about how soon control over time and space will soon be his, a familiar shambling figure shambles with familiarity through the police box doors.

"The most obvious of felicitations to ye, shipmate," slurs the drunken pirate, aiming a loaded pistol at the alien. "Might I ask why you’ve parked on top of my nifty invisible lift to an underground base? My Egg McMuffins will be getting cold... hang on. This IS the TARDIS, isn’t it?" he notes, peering blearily around the control chamber.

"The TARDIS is mine!" shouts the alien.

"The BBC will have something to say about that, savvy?" belches the newcomer. "And where’s the Doctor anyway?"

"Er... I am the Doctor," the alien extemporizes unconvincingly.

"You didn’t do that contractual renewal thing, did you?" boggles the pirate, quietly being sick over the safety railings. "I must say, Doctor, that new form of yours is a bit... blue. Which is kind of hot. Works for me! I love the hat. And what’s up with your arm anyway?"

"Oh this old thing? It’s a neural probe that paralyzes my prey."

"Ah, so you finally dropped all that no weapons pacifism crap!" laughs the pirate. "Good on ya, Doctor! We can go on gun rampages together! You and me, mate, good things are gonna happen!"

"Um... sure..."

"Now THAT is fascinating," he slurs. "Coz if I know the Doctor, I know he can’t stand me being aboard his vessel. Can’t imagine why, but I’m fairly certain because I get more buxom wenches then what he does! So... who the hell are you REALLY?"

The alien laughs diabolically. "My name is Lentils from the planet Annatopia!" it reveals, aiming its weird gun/arm thing at the intruder. "With the TARDIS under my command, I shall wreak havoc across the cosmos, trading in arms!"

The newcomer blinks a lot. "You’re gonna sell weapons?"

"No, not that sort of arms trader! I literally trade in arms, legs, limbs and organs! I even do the occasional spine!"

"Ah. Bodysnatching. Savvy."

"I’m a not bodysnatcher! Are bodysnatchers unionized? A clue: no! I am a registered body part relocation manager! I work with organ donors across the cosmos, and I know that you, Captain Jack Sparrow, have 'donated' quite a few 'organs' in your time!"

"Have... we met before?" shrugs the Touchwood regular.

"Don’t pretend, Jack!" snaps the alien. "Remember that party on Alpha Sintauri?! That threesome we had with those suspicious-looking aliens? You gave me a whole pamphlet’s worse of venereal diseases that night!"

"Pah! I recall your exact words were 'Safe sex? Bullshit!'"


"So was I."


"That’s... true. But I’m not letting you nick the TARDIS, mate. I’m not letting you cause chaos across the time streams and manipulating the tapestry of history to your own end!" the pirate vows. "Cause if ANYONE’S going to be doing that... it’s going to be ME!"

"I’ll paralyze you and take your brain!" warns the alien.

"Get out or I’ll shoot!" warns the pirate, raising his gun.

"I’ll shoot first!"

"I’m warning you!"

"I’M warning YOU!"

"You’ll die, Lentils!!"

"YOU’LL die, Captain Jack!! Die NOW! And die FOREVER!!!"

Just at that moment the police box doors create over a spikey-haired Scotsman in a pinstripe suit enters, followed by two fly-headed alien Tritovores in boiler suits.

"Jings, John!" snaps David Tennant. "This IS a take, you know! We’re doing the Easter special! What the hell are you two doing on the set?"

Hastily, the pirate and the alien hide their weapons. "I was, er, just showing a friend of mine around the TARDIS," John Barrowman explains hastily, indicating the blue alien, who gives a little wave.

"My name is Lentils!" booms the alien.

"It’s Tim," Barrowman explains with a forced grin.

"I am from the planet Annatopia!" the alien tells David Tennant.

"Stoke on Trent," Barrowman explains.

"John? HOW many times do I have to say it!" demands TV’s Doctor Who. "**MY** TARDIS. Mine. Say sorry!"

"Sorry," chorus the duo, wandering off set.

"I’m watching you two," vows Tennant, before doing that dignified sniff thing that he does, before rehearsing the last scene of 'Escape to Danger on the Planet in Space Cutaway!'.

"He’s so cool," marvels the alien as they leave.

"I know," the pirate sighs in agreement. "I love him. Anyway, listen, where were we?" He aims his gun at the alien. "I’M GONNA GET YOU, EVIL LENTILS!!"


"OH YEAH!" retorts the pirate, making 'bang-bang!' noises as the duo start running around the corridors outside the corridor, miming a very intricate and detailed gunfight.

"Oh yeah! I’m immortal!"

"Zap-zap! I won’t give up!"

"Peow-peow! Boom!"

And people still wonder why Eccleston quit...

Book(s)/Other Related –
Doctor Who Watches The Watchmen Infinity Crisis Crossover Wars
The 2009 Doctor Who Special DVD Box Set Extras (under "Outtakes")
Behind the Scenes of Doctor Who (not suitable for family audiences)

Fluffs – David Tennant seemed to be sick of this story.

"I bet ye do this when everyone else has gone home like, don’t you, ya sad wee ponce ye!" mutters one of the Tritovores in the background.

Goofs -

Fashion Victims -
Lentils’ neon pink glowing stockings he wears over his hands.

Technobbable -
This entire scene "destabilizes the universal reintegrated canonicity" according to Ian Levine.

Dialogue Disasters -
None applicable here, as this is real live footage and no one actually wrote it.

Dialogue Triumphs -
See above, gormless.

UnQuotable Quote -
Are you even paying attention?

Links and References -
Captain Jack seems to have had a threesome with Alpha Sintauri from the Jon Pertwee Paddington stories, so we now know there’s been at least ONE occasion where Jack wasn’t the biggest prick in the room.

Untelevised Misadventures -
Tragically, this WASN’T one of them.

Groovy DVD Extras -
Doctor Who Confidential tries to justify how some random guy John Barrowman knew was able to get on set, stuff up filming and then screen the entire thing on "Tonight’s The Night".

Psychotic Nostalgia -
"I think I hate Tim now."

Viewer Quotes -

"Ah, the ebullient Captain Jack Bannerman, played by John Harkness stars in yet ANOTHER trendy, slick, fast-paced visual spectacular relying more on extravagant special effects and celebrity guest stars than plot content which will leave any and all traditionalists expecting decent 1970s-style Doctor Who to be in for a shock! It’s as bad as those bloody awful original novels published by Virgin that so alienated myself and found favor with those new devotees so grounded in over-elaborate-American-sci-fi they don’t know that TRUE Doctor Who ended in 1977!! As I have said since 2005, it remains to be seen how much longer this vastly different version of 'Who' will last."
- Gabriel "RTD is an abomination against all mankind" Chase (2009)

"My God, this is mind numbing shit. The best bit was where the audience laughed over half the dialogue. I suppose doing this kind of show is the reason John Barrowman is rich and famous and I’m not..."
- Nev Fountain (2009)

"It was good, and strangely moving, hearing DT, so close to his
end as the Doctor, say 'My Tardis. Mine.' It brought a slight, tiny tear to my eye, knowing that the end is coming. Oh GOD! David’s 'dignified sniff' thing makes me wail like a soul in torment! DON’T LEAVE, DAVID! PLEASE! DON’T SEND US BACK TO THE DARKNESS! STAY ONE MORE YEAR!"
- Average Fangirl Response (2009)

"I notice that UNLIKE Afterlife, Time Crush or Prom of the Grinch, this episode has had almost no advance publicity and nobody seems to be looking forward to it with any enthusiasm. I doubt it’s really worth sitting through Tonight’s The Night to see, as it is unlikely to feature Ben Chatham. I shall NOT be watching MORE THAN TWICE!"
- Sparacus "Flamingo" Jones (2009)

"Oh, so Barrowman thinks RTD is the godfather of Doctor Who, does he? Well, LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING..."
- Sydney Newman via ouiji board (2010)

"They mentioned my hometown Stoke on Trent! JOYGASM!"
- some dude who lives in Stoke on Trent presumably (2009)

"You can’t fire guns inside the TARDIS! What about the State of Temporal Grace as mentioned in 1976?! That does it. Freak Encounter is not canon, no matter how much money is spent on it! Indeed, what IS the canon-GBP exchange rate these days? I think it’s two canons to a penny-farthing, but I could be wrong..." - Ewen Campion-Clarke (2009)

David Tennant Speaks!
"What’s depressing is that Tim bloke was actually a better actor than most of the people working at BBC Wales. He made it look very easy. We actors spend all our time trying to convince people our job is very hard to impress people and make them go to bed with us. Wee blue bastard ruined everything, pretty much. I quit!"

John Barrowman Speaks!
"You know, they said if I ever screen any more of my behind the scenes antics on TV, they’ll cancel Touchwood immediately! I mean, like they think I would somehow NOT want that the happen! HAHAH!"

Tim Ingham Speaks!
"Not only should guinea pigs and other small, furry and generally useless animals be cut up for the benefit of us, their lords and masters, but they should also be filleted and sautéed in a nice Merlot! And appearing in Doctor Who was very nice, too."

RTD Speaks!
"I don’t mind Freak Encounter, because it should surprise the audience with what weird shit John Barrowman gets up to on set, because, you know, what he does freaks me out every single day. I’ve been working here for about six years now and it’s still amazing to see what that man does when he should be working. I saw him forcing a sheep in a bondage mask face down into the Dustbin prop just this morning. Why? I couldn’t tell you. I couldn’t tell you because I don’t know. I don’t WANT to know. Or that time he got hold of Nick Briggs’ ring modulator and spent fourteen hours doing Miss Slocum impressions through it..."

Trivia -
The strange noise that John Barrowman and his buddy Tim Ingham make is supposed to be Murray Gold’s "All The Strange, Strange Creatures" as background music. Not a lot of people know that.

Rumors & Facts -

Furious at his failure to get the part of the Eleventh Doctor, Patterson Joseph took his revenge out on all of Doctor Who by ruining the end of the 2008 Christmas Special, The Michaelmas Imposter. Joseph had taken matters into his own hands so the story now ended with him, in full Time Lord regalia, stealing the TARDIS and marooning the Doctor in Victorian Cardiff.

RTD had been forced to substantial rewrite to the following Easter special, Escape to Danger on the Planet in Space Cutaway!, to explain how the hell the Doctor was able to get from a hot air balloon in 1851 to a London double-decker bus in 2010. But worse he had to reveal WHO THE HELL was the black guy dressed as a Time Lord who stole the TARDIS in the first place.

RTD considered many possibilities – the spirit of the soon-to-be-born Eleventh Doctor; the regenerated Bastard; the return of the meddling monk; Adam Mitchell... but finally decided that he was sick of having to continually rewrite his final material for Doctor Who because Patterson bleeding Joseph was too crap to be the main star. Instead, he decided to use one of the outtakes for Escape to Danger on the Planet in Space Cutaway! where David Tennant discovered John Barrowman and his latest boytoy mucking about on the TARDIS set and reveal that Joseph’s character was that very same boytoy.

Since such a scene would demolish the fourth wall and then defecate all over the loose bricks and mortar, RTD knew that any fans who wanted to see what happened to the 'Patterson Joseph steals the TARDIS plot' would discover that the entire show was a fake and then vanish in a puff of logic, uncanonizing Joseph’s character even more than if he hadn’t appeared in the show at all!

The big gay Welshman laughed last and laughed loudest! But not laughed campest, as John Barrowman was present and his girlish giggling simply has no equal on this Earth.

The original intention was for this scene to be shown in the pre-credit sequence for the next special, The Water-Fights of Mars, but Barrowman thought it was so cool he stole the footage and screened on Tonight’s The Night (yet another talent-based TV show in Barrowman’s ever-growing light entertainment empire threatening to swallow all of British television). As such, the sixth episode of Tonight’s The Night was the most high-rated in history, as millions of fans sat, slack-jawed as David Tennant threw a temper tantrum in front of two human-sized flies and Rorschach from "Watchmen" about Barrowman shagging people on the TARDIS set when the lights go out.

Fans everywhere started hemorrhaging on the spot, while those still left alive struggled to try and retcon this mother into submission. Soon fan fics began to appear revealing this scene was actually a plot for Touchwood (though sometimes for The Sarah-Jane Misadventures) with Captain Jack Sparrow bravely trying to prevent the stolen TARDIS falling into the hands... or hand... of the evil alien Lentils, before the whole thing turns out to be a really freaky dream in the mind of Ben Elton.

Eventually someone came up with the idea of just pretending it never happened and everyone lived happily ever after as long as they weren’t actually dead.

Many people assume that Tim/Lentils is actually Tim Minchin, but actually it could not be him as after the last time he encountered John Barrowman there is an exclusion order between the pair of them, allowing Minchin the freedom require to compose songs for David Tennant to continue his baffling desire to sing in every episode, even demented outtakes like this one...

"Captain Jack Is Very Unprofessional" by the BBC Wales Drama Dept.

You burden me with your presence
Even though you’ve got your own show!
You’re always larking and mucking about
But don’t listen when I say "NO!"

You say to me I’m not much fun
But when I am, I’m a fool
After three series I’ve realized
You’re just a drunken tool!

The lines you say...
Your adlibs just give you away!
The scenes you wreck!

You burden me with your cameos
By upstaging me more than mine
You can’t even let me do a song
That will easily rhyme...

The lines you say...
Your adlibs just give you away!
The scenes you wreck!

10th Doctor - The Next Doctor (ii)

Book(s)/Other Related -
The Nuts Doctor
There Can Only Be One David Playing The Doctor...
Dr Who & The Twelve Upgrades of Christmas! (Canada Only)
The Superiority Complex Audio Dramas Doctor Who Range

Roots –
Everyone thought RTD was ripping off There Can Only Be One Doctor with the idea of a con man who tries to pretend he’s an all-knowing time traveler to screw terrified governments out of cash to defeat aliens – but really, he was ripping off Inuit in Hull about a complete sad-act fan who actually thinks he IS such a person. Except it turns out there’s someone even MORE pathetic than Nicholas Briggs... Dave Segal.

Fluffs - David Tennant seemed SCAD-shitless for most of this story.
"He is NOT the next Doctor! He’s a very naughty boy!"

"The-rusted-chains-of-prison-moons-are-shattered-by-the-sun. I-walk-around-horizons-change-the-tournaments-begun. The-purple-piper-plays-his-tune-the-choir-softly-sing-three-lullabyes-in-an-ancient-tongue-for-THE-COURT-OF-THE-CYBER-KING!"

Goofs -
How EXACTLY did Hamilton having a temper tantrum destroy the Cybermen?
I suppose the set dressers deserve credit for realizing that there weren’t baubles and lights on Christmas trees in the 19th century, but rather slices of orange dangling from the branches. But they were REAL oranges, not CHOCOLATE oranges! God damn it.
Dave Segal’s sonic screwdriver is Phillips head in some scenes and a novelty vibrator in others.
Several of the orphans can be heard complaining this story is rubbish because Donna Noble isn’t in it.
The past Doctor montage doesn’t actually show any past Doctors – unless I’ve been really, REALLY wasted all these years and the true canonical Doctors were Simon Callow, Simon Russell Beale, Ian Hart, Daniel Day Lewis, Rufus Sewell, Graeme Garden, David Warner, Douglas Camfield, Mark Gatiss, Patterson Joseph and Peter Cushing...
How come there’s a tower bridge in 1851 when it wasn’t completed in 1894? I’m beginning to think this story isn’t 100 per cent historically accurate! And after all the trouble they went to creating a giant kaiju-sized robot of death, they get a crucial historical detail like that wrong... it totally ruins the credibility of the rest of the episode!

Fashion Victims -
Dara’s low cut school girl outfit and crotchless, spiked red leather underwear. To quote the Doctor: "Can I say I completely disapprove?"

Technobbable -
"Wait a minute! I think I’ve got it! We’re looking at it the wrong way. Instead of thinking of the polarity of the neutron flow as a thing, a phenomenon, think of it as a being! Let's call it Fred. Now look at it: Fred IS the polarity of the neutron flow! If the polarity of the neutron flow IS the polarity of the neutron flow, then what is the polarity of a neutron flow? AND CAN IT BE REVERSED?!"
"...what in the name of god are you talking about?"

Dialogue Disasters -

Dave Segal: Ta-da! Sonic screwdriver!
Doctor: Is that your sonic screwdriver?
Dave Segal: Yes.
Doctor: But that’s... a screwdriver. An ordinary screwdriver. How is it ANY WAY sonic? Honestly, you think Character Options weren’t making perfect replicas by the dozen for crying out loud!

Dave Segal: On Gallifrey we had a saying: "The chosen choose to be chosen."
Doctor: Um. No. That’s the Vulcans.
Dave Segal: I only said we say it a lot. I didn’t say we made it up.
Doctor: Jings, you really ARE pathetic, aren’t you?

Dave Segal: Look beyond the scarf and coat and frizzy hair and book of Tom Baker quotations and you will see that I am a unique and original incarnation of... What’s that noise?!
Doctor: Me. Sniggering.
Dave Segal: How would you like a trip to the sun?!?
Doctor: ...what the hell are on about? Is that supposed to be a threat or something? Jings, give me strength!

Dara: My people! Like, why aren’t they rejoicing?
Cyberman: Because-you-are-stomping-on-their-houses-in-a-bloody-great-robot-of-course! Silly-woman.

The Doctor’s speech about his lack of companions -
"They leave. Because they should. Because they find someone else. And some of them tend to die horribly in a terrible miscalculation of mine. But I suppose, in the end, some of them break my hearts. And others just won’t get the fucking message!!"

Dave Segal: This is hardy the right time to go through my social calendar!
Doctor: Why not?
Dave Segal: Because... because I don’t HAVE a social calendar.

Priest: Dressed like a harlot!
Dara: Oh, and how would YOU know? ZING! Man, this old priest HASN’T been soliciting prostitutes! Now you’ll lose all cred in front of his posse! It’s funny, now I think of it, but in all these years not one of you has asked my first name. It’s DARA!
Priest: Ah, good to know. Fuck you, Dara.

Dialogue Triumphs -

Dara: But you promised me! Oh my God, you so totally said that I’d never ever ever be converted!
Cyberman: That-was-designated-a-lie. Bitch.

Dave Segal: I seem to be telling you everything... as if you have engendered.. some sort of... trust. Is this... what you humans call... 'love'?
Doctor: No. You’re just very, very easy to manipulate.

Dave Segal: Ladies and Gentlemen, I am the man who saved you all! I am the Doctor! Know that I have been reusing old dialogue and plot devices a thousand times but not once, no sir, not once, not ever have I ever been thanked for providing such high quality entertainment! But no more. For I say to you on this Michaelmas morn, "DAVE SEGAL ROCKS! DAVE SEGAL ROCKS!" Come on, everybody! I am CANONICAL, godammit!

Dara: I could do this forever.
Dave Segal: Good. Because if we manage another year we’ll have been producing SCADs non-stop longer than the BBC has been producing Doctor Who non-stop!
Dara: As long as you use OUR definition of "non-stop".
Dave Segal: Precisely, Brotodac. Precisely. Do you realize, Dara, that once the fan base accepts us as the one true source of Doctor Who material, we will have the power to do anything! Anything at all! Absolute power over every particle of the franchise, as of that moment. Are you LISTENING to the SCADs, Dara? Because if you’re not, I can MAKE you listen to them! I can do anything! ONCE THOSE CRETINS ON OUTPOST GALLIFREY REALIZE THE TRUTH, THERE WILL BE NO SUCH THING AS FREE WILL! THERE IS ONLY ONE WILL IN THE UNIVERSE! MINE! BECAUSE I AM THE ONE TRUE DOCTOR! NICHOLAS BRIGGS CAN GO HANG!!!
Dara: Oh! My! God! Megalomania is like so totally random!

Dara: There is hot pie for everyone if you help switch on the giant robot and help me destroy civilization as you know it.

Dave Segal: Doctor! Don’t you have something to live for?
Doctor: More than you do, ya spineless goon!

Dara: You can’t do this to me!
Cyberman: Incorrect. It-is-done.
Dara: But I would have totally slept with you anyway!
Cybermen: Your-ego-is-riddled-with-stupidity-and-inadequacies. These-have-no-place-in-a-Cyber-libido. Lack-of-acting-talent-has-tormented-you-your-whole-life! Now-you-will-be-set-free! This-will-give-you-on-screen-charisma-and-presence!
Dara: You’re not even, like, asking permission! Have you no decency?
Cyberman: Correct. The-Queen-Bitch-will-roll-over-tonight.
Cybermen: All-hail-the-Queen-Bitch.

Doctor: So YOU’RE the Doctor. The next Doctor? The next-but-one? A future Doctor anyway that just so happens to be an exact mimic of a past Doctor? What the hell happened to turn you into such an unimaginative carbon copy?
Dave Segal: I’m not entirely sure. It happened in a story called "Crucible of Error" which hasn’t been shown yet due to quality issues.
Doctor: Riiight. So, how did you regenerate? Nasty incident with a pool cue?
Dave Segal: May have been. Then again I may have just tripped over a brick.
Doctor: Jings. That IS embarrassing.
Dave Segal: But it would have been painless.
Doctor: Depends on the brick.
Dave Segal: There are worse ways to go.
Doctor: Um. No. Actually I can say with honest sincerity that tripping over a brick would be the worst way to go.
Dave Segal: Would you like a jelly baby?
Doctor: ...don’t change the subject!
Dave Segal: You ask a lot of questions.
Doctor: Yeah... you’re not used to creative criticism, are you?

UnQuotable Quote -

Links and References -
The Doctor mentions Sally Sparrow and the Weeping Angels in the vain hope there’s a new series episode Dave Segal might like:
"I’m getting a blank. Ooh, Blank? Did you see that one?"

Untelevised Misadventures -
The Doctor speaks nostalgically of his last visit to 1851 Cardiff and the truly disturbing life swaps he, Charley Pollard and Cecil Rizz Esquire got up to ("Other Lies" by Witchfinder Matthew Hopkins).

Groovy DVD Extras -
RealMedia files of SCAD title sequences, usually 410 times less visually coherent and interesting than the ones they’re nakedly ripping off. The Vincent Savage version with Jon Pertwee gangsta rapping DOES have a certain something, it should be noted.

The Spite of Sparacus -
"I was not impressed by the pre-credit sequence which was silly and comedic and doesn’t bode well for the whole episode, which I refuse to watch an average, too-fast-paced, wafer-thin-plotted new series romp panto-Cyber-dogs and a lack of Adam Rickitt. I am not a complete knobhead and am well aware that there may well be explanations given in the full episode that I don’t yet know. I openly accept that I don’t know much about the plot of this episode and have no intention to change this. But I said any episode without Adam Rickitt would be utterly crap and my advance fears were proven to be correct! I was accused of jumping the gun and I’d say I was pretty near the mark, wouldn’t you?

My point is that the two minutes I HAVE seen strongly suggest that there is a massive problem with Cybermen from Irth arriving on Earth in the 19th century? This makes no sense! And, yes, the story might explain such a potential plot hole, but I didn’t watch it, so the problem still stands. It’s not half as pleasing as Meg Lost, is it? I mean, the Doctor just HAPPENS to land the TARDIS conveniently at the exact time and place that the Cybermen are mucking about?! "Birrova coincidence or whaa?" as a chav would say. In fact, the Doctor is ALWAYS landing where there is adventure which is ridiculously too far-fetched and massively coincidental! It defies logic and undermines the quality and believability of the episode, making it so hard to take seriously! FUN IS IMMATURE!

Around 46 hours before it actually DID screen, I got very excited about this story and bought myself a bottle of Laphroaig single malt to enjoy when it was on, but I drained it one gulp and only later regained consciousness after the stomach pump. And while I was under the influence I reportedly tried to kill Russell T Davies. This sounds like a possible damage limitation exercise because it’s obvious I would have politely and calmly advised Russell to replace the alt-universe Cybermen with another alien race or robots rather than trying to beat him to death. That Welsh fag is trying to unseat my from my high reputation as the living heart of Colchester’s VIBRANT Whovian community! Yes, there’s me and a Goth who collects DWM back issues and has put a restraining order on me to come no closer than 200 miles from his disused side-street comic store!"

Viewer Quotes -

"Overall, The Michaelmas Imposter is the weakest of the Christmas specials. And as for Dave Segal, well, no words can really describe how bad he is... Blegh." - Jym de Natale (2009)

"I wish RTD would give up this tiresome habit of DEFINITELY KILLING OFF MONSTERS/VILLAINS FOREVER AND EVER only to have some fall through a crack in time or whatever and survive every bloody time. It worked reasonably well in Dustbin –vs- Cyberman but now it’s just irritating! Oh for the good old days of JST where they didn’t even BOTHER to give an explanation and just insulted the intelligence of the audience? The Michaelmas Imposter is crude fan fiction, not a bit as good as my divine work The Twin Doctors or Equilateral, my new SCAD story! David Segal, a man with a vision big fat gay Welshmen can only DREAM OF!"
- K.Y. Ron Mallet (2009)

"Is Dave Segal truly the Doctor? I say, no, the Matrix is lying and Janet killed them all! This is my new answer for anything concerning Doctor Who." - Charles Daniels (2008)

"Nice twist! So David Segal is the Doctor in his mind, but a Doctor subconsciously playing the part of Charles Bronson in Deathwish VI: Cybermanslaughter! Go get them, mate! Rip them a new one! Let’s have a three minute massacre scene set to Rage Against the Machine’s Bulls on Parade!" - Nigel Verkoff while high on eggnog (2008)

"The word 'pathetic' is overused with regards to the SCADs. But I do think they merit it." - Kevin Rudd (2009)

- Chip Jamison (2009)

"There’s obviously nothing interesting to say about The Michaelmas Imposter, so why do people keep asking me to review it? Just because I’m an incredibly well-known and messianically-popular internet critic doesn’t mean I have to act according to YOUR ridiculous preconceptions! I don’t have to do ANYTHING! And yet BBC Wales still don’t get down on their knees and beg me to run Doctor Who like it should be run! What kind of insane reality must I live in??" - Lawrence Miles (2007)

"My sister, who is a huge fan, hated it. My dad said it was the worst hour of his life. My grandma left half way through then complained about crap on the TV all the time. My mum kept reminding me about how we were missing whatever on other channels. My brother left after about 40 minutes saying it was boring. I hate my family. If I could be arsed, I’d kill the lot of them with an axe." - Dave Restal (2009)

"Doctor Who could only manage a paltry 11.7 million viewers on the ONE DAY of the YEAR when they are GUARANTEED lots of viewers? What is the deal with that? It seems like Doctor Who really is losing its grip and appeal with the viewing public! They should call it a day and allow the show to fade away gracefully! The public have seen through RTD’s deceitful attempts to achieve high viewing figures! YOU GOT BEATEN! AT CHRISTMAS! BY ANIMATED PLASTICINE FIGURES! TOTAL EMBARRASSMENT!"
- Nick Parkes (2008)

"The bleary-eyed, nose-gloope evacuation and compromised memory of Lemsip, Aspirin, galleons of Benylin Blackcurrant cough syrup have become a distant experience. Like a sumptuous Plum Pudding, The Michaelmas Imposter teems with richness, depth, lovingly-prepared with a sought-after sixpence within. The ensemble piece satisfactorily resolved itself like the dancing blue flame atop an ignited alcohol consumed previously mentioned Plum Pudding. An audience replete!"
- The Unpublished Target Novel "Doctor Who and the Cooking Analogies"

"So anyway The Michaelmas Imposter has a bogus Doctor, a pastiche-y Victorian setting AND is meant to finally do justice to the Cybermen? I doubt it. I really do. And I know Ewen will write up one of his BF guides about it and mock the Cybermen for not being worth a story on their own and being too pissweak next to the Dustbins and in some ways he has a point but it almost depresses me for seeming to be so near the mark to fandom's attitude towards the Doctor’s silver nemesis. I’m a right bastard so MAKE ME SOMETHING BETTER!!!"
- Jared "No Nickname" Hansen (2009)

"So rich in invention, it’s a dance with God. Any God. Your God. The Next God. Heroin makes me happy in ways RTD and Doctor Who never could."
- another insightful Eye of Saurus editorial (2008)

"I must say that I was a little disappointed by this episode. It could have been a grim epic of despair and personal damnation, but it ended up stuff children were allowed to watch! If only the Doctor had allowed all the small children to die, and then Dave Segal committed suicide when the Cybermen liquefied vast hordes of people in blood-caked gore and Dara should have been converted with her blood drained, flesh torn away and brain surgery, not a stupid tinfoil hat! Doctor Who shouldn’t be bloodless and upbeat, it should show no mercy to anyone or anything! EVERYONE knows The Wizard of Oz would have been better had the Witch killed Dorothy and raped her corpse!"
- the truly terrifying Risk Manager who I fear I may have met at a convention once (I think he was the one jacking off to Touchwood screaming "Oh, yeah, you like it, don’t you Owen, you dirty slut!")

"Ice cold killer brings death’s sweet darkness. Robots sanction my extreme unction. Clockwork ciphers delete my soul. Tell me: who lies dead among the Cybermen? The answer? Dave Segal. But how long can they keep him underground?" - Black Science Geezer (2009)

"Oh, well burn in hell you shitty fan audios! ALLONZEEE!"
- Andrew Beeblebrox (2008)

David Tennant Speaks!
"Ever since I became the Doctor, people always ask me when I’m leaving. Ah. To leave, or not to leave: that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fandom, or to stay longer than Tom Baker himself and, by typecasting, end my career? To be, or not to be, that is the question. Well. More of *A* question really. Not THE question. Because, jings, I mean, there are billions of questions out there, and well, when I say billions, I mean, when you add in the answers, not just the questions, jings, you’re looking at numbers that are positively astronomical! I’ll be back in 2009, though. I can’t imagine ANYONE else playing him – I’m too self-centered, but one day someone else will have as much fun as I do. In 2010, for example."

Dave Segal Speaks!
"I know I want to see Dave Segal again! Who else does? He was a better Doctor than that loser geek Tennant, not to mention a better actor with such emotional range! I for one would love to see another story featuring him – he’s a great character who deserves to return! Hell, this loveable character deserves better than a guest spot in Touchwood – he deserves his OWN SPIN OFF! Bah, for such a cracking performance as the Doctor, there will be mass suicides when it becomes clear he is not taking over the role for real! Anyone who says otherwise is a godless heathen, a despicable disciple of Satan! My name? Vincent Savage!"

Sheri Devine Speaks!
"Miss Tartigan was an amazing villain with a grandiose modus operandi! I was gutted that she exploded at the end, rather than becoming an ongoing character a bit like the Borg Queen or Margaret Thatcher! What a SEXY performance TINGED WITH RED! Yes, and Dara deserves to be made a full-time companion! She’s everything a companion needs to be – AND MORE! Doctor Who can show us all what her character can do! She’s fantastic, she’s got great hair, and she’s properly young and feisty! And even though everyone is saying she was a complete disappointment, just like the story as a whole, well... YOU SMELL! Or is it me? Yes, it’s me. Oh, hang on, my Colostomy Bag’s come loose again..."

Russell T Davies Speaks!
"It’s not exactly subtle, but then I’m a firm believer that there are some people in this world who cannot comprehend the concept of subtlety. And some of those losers are in this story. Can you spot them? But something you probably HAVEN’T spotted is that brazier. Keep an eye out for it. It’s in every single bloody scene. I think that brazier might be an evil enemy of the Doctor. It even LOOKS like Dustbin! But, of all the hot Cyber action and a crew on the brink of exhaustion, the biggest unanswered question is 'Why didn’t the history books mention a giant robot in 1851?' The answer is, of course, this is a work of FICTION you morons. And besides, it would make the SCAD losers canonical if it was!"

Steven Moffat Speaks!
"I’m going to be honest and fans may hate me for it, but they have to remember that I am a fan MYSELF. A proper list-making-borderline-autistic fan. I am head mingmong. I’m King Ming. And this story completely sucked. I’m off to watch Season 18 again when they all took it seriously and the companions wore school girl outfits they could actually carry off without looking like a dirty whore grandma!"

Robert Shearman Speaks!
"The Michaelmas Imposter was a great story, but when it comes to two Doctors teaming up to fight ridiculously camp monsters I prefer A Hitch with the Snotarans. A story which, I’m quite sure all TRUE fans will recognize as a bona fide classic. Does anyone REALLY think David Segal’s performance will be as fondly remembered in minutes to come as the towering offered by Gareth Jenkins? I think not."

Trivia -
According to the 2009 census, not a single human being on the planet has actually heard of the SCADs and thus the satire is totally wasted.

Rumors & Facts -
As had become tradition at Christmas, children everywhere were listening out for that telltale sound that promises delight, excitement and the best present you can wish for – no, not the sleigh bells and the clomp of reindeer hooves on the roof, but the comforting vworping of the TARDIS materializing in snowy Victorian Cardiff full of well-fit young girls with huge boobs. The presents and the family and the turkey are all well and good but what we all REALLY care about is evening rolling around so we can shut everyone up and settle down in front of the Doctor Who Christmas Special to see psycho machine-gun-wielding aliens and sexy babes copping off with David Tennant.

To think that in a mere three years that this series has become a cornerstone of the biggest day in TV with full frontal nudity, werewolves, zombies, Kylie Minogue and some truly filthy sexual connotations. Oh, we are so FICKLE nowadays!

After doing Christmas specials in contemporary Cardiff, historical Cardiff, and alien recreations of the Titanic several million miles directly above contemporary Cardiff, it was clear that the next one would have to be slightly different so no one could accuse the production team of being stale and running out of steam – which Doctor Who had been regularly accused of every day since 1962, technically before it ever even existed.

Once more, focus group Hidden Persuaders PLC insisted that the next Christmas special should really have been shown not at Christmas but on the 23rd of November 2008 to celebrate Doctor Who’s fortieth anniversary. This time they also wanted the story to not only feature David Tennant but also Tom Baker, Peter Davison, Colin Baker, Sylvester McCoy, Paul McGann, Christopher Eccleston and Mark Gattis.

Executive Producer Russell T Davies insisted he was doing a story about Cybermen in Victorian Cardiff and the focus group immediately demanded it feature the Doctor calling upon Rose and Touchwood to help him take down the Cyber army. In fact, they suggested the Christmas special should be cancelled to finally make Rose Tyler Décolletage with Billie Piper trying to hunt down the Doctor through time and defeat the evil Hugh Grant and Julia Roberts with the aide of the Valeyard.

At this point RTD told Hidden Persuaders PLC they were no longer required for Doctor Who, indeed they never HAD been required, and unless they left the premises immediately, he would hunt them all down and kill them with Terileptil hunting knives borrowed from Robert Shearman.

While looking through his own DWMs for inspiration, RTD was impressed when he discovered a comic strip called "Social Lives" where the Seventh Doctor and Ace visit a multi-versal piss-up at Milliways, the Restaurant at the End of the Universe and encounter the Nicholas Briggs Doctor and Ria from the infamously unpopular Oddly Visual audio range. Delighted at the horror of having a sadact fan appear as the Doctor in a proper story, RTD immediately came up with a cliffhanger where David Tennant regenerated into Nicholas Briggs.

It then struck the writer that he’d already used that in the 2008 season finale, and he’d have to come up with something else. Still mildly infatuated with the idea of incredibly bad fan audio Doctors appearing in the canonical TV series, RTD idly surfed the Doctor Who Web Guide (Tetraptaryarbus Version 2.0) and stumbled across the SCADs, the Superiority Complex Audio Dramas, a long-running fan-made audio series which had remained in almost completely obscurity since 1982, even AFTER the invention of the internet and online fandom.

Amazed at the handful of rather peculiar American fans who, after over 27 years of production had yet to find original music, plots or even halfway decent actors and their vociferous abuse of him personally – not only was RTD gay, he was Welsh, talented and made Doctor Who stories that people actually bothered to remember. These were three very good reasons to despise him utterly and consider him unworthy of writing for the great Who franchise, which the SCADs seemed to think was their property and theirs alone.

RTD decided that this was just what he needed: an arrogant bunch of talentless so-and-sos humiliated in front of millions of viewers worldwide as their staggering lack of ability was demonstrated in BBC high-definition for the rest of time. After changing the setting from Milliways to Cardiff, Nick Briggs and Ria to Dave Segal and Dara, and Beep the Meep for a Cyberman invasion phalanx, "SCAD This!!!" was fully transformed into RTD’s next BAFTA-award-winner.

Originally entitled Intense Encounters With The Doctor Who Wasn’t The Other Doctor, the storyline was then known as Attack of Mister Stompy, The Enemy of Death, A Tale of Two Fanbases, The Waking Elevation Surge of the Cybermen. When Benjamin Cook suggested to make the title more honest, so it was renamed Is He? Isn't He? You Decide!, then The Twist Is There Is No Twist before finally settling for Let’s See How High We Can Push These Ratings Using a Cheap Bait and Switch. At the last minute, however, RTD remembered the tradition of inaccurately titling Christmas episodes "The Michaelmas Noun" and changed the title again.

Chosen to play the deranged Not-The-Next Doctor was Martin Clunes, but he sniffed in distaste at the measly thirty six thousand pounds offered for his services and reminded RTD he had never really forgiven the previous regime for the ignominies he suffered in the Peter Davison episode "Snakedate" where he had been forced to wear a foam snake outfit and have a romantic dinner with the Fifth Doctor. Ultimately, Dave Segal was offered the chance to play himself and, like the idiot he is, he accepted the job with no questions asked. Sheri Devine was simply kidnapped from the old people’s home she was staying at without her permission or consent – not that she was lucid enough to give either.

RTD researched deeply the SCADs’ back catalogue... well, he looked them up on a fan wikipedia site, read a review and managed to sit through one of their many remakes of Return of the Cybermen. His mild dislike of the audios grew to the point RTD also considered writing a full-length BBC Books novel, set in the midst of that brief scene where the Doctor crushes Dave Segal’s pathetic illusions where the Doctor pops out back to the TARDIS and has a proper adventure with Magenta Price, Katie Darling, Heather McCrimmon, Will Spender, Wolfgang Ryter and basically confirm that Doctor Who Adventures magazine, Bottles In Time comic, VR Doctor Who online and DWM Comic Strip were all canon. Unlike the SCADs. He then decided this was giving the American fundamentalist losers even more credit than they deserved and completely forgot about the idea, which survives only as an email to Benjamin Cook which he completely forgot to delete.

To cut to the chase, RTD was more than confident that he could do the SCADs justice by giving them as much effort and thought as they gave their own work. Which was why he had the whole script for the story printed in his book, The Welshman’s Tale, which was released some six months before the episode was screened. Fans everywhere read the script and assumed that it was a cunning double bluff and no GENUINE episode could feature such pathetic, foul-minded and talentless creatures of fandom (well, not after Love & Pizzas, anyway). Frankly, the idea of people capable of recording such perverse rubbish, to have written for common denominators lower than man has ever gone, to have plunged the depths of degradation just in order to remake 1975 Tom Baker stories... IT JUST **HAD** TO BE MADE UP!!

Convinced that this script was a pack of lies, fans began to speculate as to what RTD could be hiding – never suspecting that the big guy had broken a habit of a lifetime and was, just this once, telling them the absolute gospel truth. Even the production team suspected some kind of bluff and patiently waited for the revelation that the next special would be a direct rewrite of the previous one, The Michaelmas cruise, only with Cheryl Cole instead of Kylie Minogue and set on board the Hindenburg rather than the Titanic.

Soon, rumors began to abound that this story would be the final one of the Tenth Doctor, triggering his regeneration into to the Robert Carlyle Doctor. This turned out to be a complete lie spread about by Mad Larry the Pirate King, and thanks to an internet variation of Chinese Whispers, word spread that the Eleventh Doctor would also be Harry Lloyd (who would team up with Jenny and Felicity Kendall) while simultaneously also being Daniel Radcliffe, David Thewlis, Rhys Ifans, Lilly Allen and John Simm as a parallel universe Doctor who regenerates into two beings, good and evil, who then body swap for no apparent reason.

These rumors had amazing staying power thanks to the sheer bloody mindedness of fans. They still believed them when David Tennant announced it was "a load of old bollocks". They still believed it when The Michaelmas Imposter came and went with absolutely no such regeneration. They still believed it when David Tennant properly announced his departure and they still believed it when Matt Smith was chosen as his successor as part of the carefully-calculated BBC strategy codenamed "Operation Cobra". They still believe it right now. Bunch of subnormal freaks. Avoid them say I.

The special was filmed during the April of 2008 at Gloucester Cathedral, St Woolos Cemetery in Newport, and in the streets of Gloucester, where shooting was hampered by up to 1000 onlookers – all of which were convinced that this was a con job and not only was this story a bluff, but that David Tennant’s presence was a trick to keep the Nick Briggs Doctor’s arrival in Journey till Dawn a surprise.

We were really in denial back then for some reason, huh?

In desperation to complete filming without boneheads shouting, "Get real! You’re fooling no one! Where’s Cheryl Cole?", the cast and crew retreated to the sets for Touchwood and turn their main setting, the Touchwood Hub, into a generic Victorian OHS deathtrap by the cunning use of Indian drapes, a lava lamp and some coal. Nevertheless, John Barrowman regularly interrupted proceedings by trying to have sex with the Cyberman extras, insisting that this wasn’t a REAL story, just a film set to trick spoiler-hunting internet fans and Sun journalists.

The Michaelmas Imposter would be the hardest and most difficult production for Design Millennium FX – no matter what they did, it ended up far too convincing and intelligent to be passed off as American überfan crap. Take for example their Cybermen, who were originally the new design with added rivets and a copper finish. Even their cruder designs, all angular and blocky, was too sophisticated.

RTD decided the right approach was to simply give the SCAD team some cardboard boxes, stick-back plastic and marker pens and make their own Cybermen helmets. The laughable results, with their distinctive couldn’t-even-get-the-handlebars-at-the-right-angle and weird tongue holes, were augmented with torn up garbage bags to cover the bodies but not restrict movement. After pissing himself at the brain-meltingly awful outfits – AND the SCAD team’s insistence they were far better than the 'silver Iron Man fetish gear' BBC Wales had come up with – RTD managed to control his breathing enough to give the new costumes the go ahead before he needed a lie-down.

Originally, Dara/Hamilton’s transformation into the QueenBitch was to be done by giving Sheri Devine black contact lenses and getting the Mill to CGI out any traces of white. However, the SCAD team spat in the face of Julie Gardner and called her a "Buffy-loving media sell out whore" since something similar was once done with Willow in Season 6 (and in Sapphire and Steel, but the SCAD gang are hardly smart enough to know THAT, are they?). Instead they decided that Dara should be given a crown of suitable Victorian design and beauty... which ultimately took the form of jamming a Cornflakes packet over Devine’s head and poking eyeholes in it so it looked a bit like a Cyberman.

RTD’s response to this was an awestruck, "Oh my lord, why haven’t you people killed yourselves by now?"

The biggest change to the plot was the original ending to the tale. Originally, Dara/Hamilton destroyed her Cybergroupies and, as the QueenBitch fell to the earth, the Doctor would call out to her saying, "Do something good for once in your worthless career and save them!" Dara/Hamilton would then redeem herself if not her acting, by causing the QueenBitch to disperse in a mighty flash of CGI.

However, Segal and the Christian SCAD team were unhappy with this oh-so-convenient ending relying on some jerk sacrificing their life for the greater good – like THAT would ever happen on a religious festival! They were of the opinion this was a typical "magic wand" ending reinforcing their opinion RTD had to be removed from his position and then surgically experimented on until he stopped writing Scooby Doo episodes.

As he possessed "some good intelligence", Segal decided the second half needed spicing up by giving the Doctor a convenient Dustbin Dimension Jumper to stop Cardiff being crushed by a giant robot. This, argued the SCADs, was a far better way to write the Doctor out of the corners than the shit RTD constantly come up with. "Oh, and you are WAY too sensitize," Segal added. "Toughen up!"

RTD capitulated, but was on record that he prided himself that he never allowed anything to go out under his name if there was a better ending to it than the one which was actually transmitted. This is of course incredibly ironic as the ending of the story was being filmed.

You see, Patterson Joseph had failed to get the job of the Eleventh Doctor. Of course, Joseph didn’t have any special love for being the Doctor, but he DID sure as hell hate to fail an audition and so he took his revenge by storming the filming of the final scenes dressed as a Time Lord, drop-kicked Segal and ran inside the police box prop laughing like a madman. Although Joseph was then politely escorted off the property and the scene was filmed properly, his loyal subordinates stole the 'correct' footage and so when The Michaelmas Imposter was screened, the ending was the new, Patterson Joseph-filled one.

This ending was thus seen by 11.71 million viewers on Christmas Day 2008, a 50.5% share of the 18:00 timeslot in which it was shown! More people watched Wallace and Gromit’s A Matter of Loaf and Death because for some reason plasticine serial killers murdering bakers appeals to a festive audience more than giant Cybermen destroying olde Cardiff town, which is why first degree homicide of suspiciously intelligent dogs got an appreciation index figure score two more than The Michaelmas Imposter! Nick Parkes, you JAMMY BASTARD!!!

Anyway, this "new" ending was, in short, a complete disaster. Fans everywhere went absolutely ape shit at this unexpected cliffhanger that left the TARDIS under the control of Patterson Joseph and the Doctor marooned in 1851 in an uncontrollable hot air balloon, while bookies everywhere made a mint as the public concluded that the Eleventh Doctor WAS Joseph. The production for the rest of the 2009 specials was completely and utterly screwed, and the set up for the Steven Moffat era itself was in danger of extinction!

So, pretty much, business as usual, as you can imagine.

Meanwhile, David Tennant continued his baffling desire to sing in every episode in a scene which made it clear to me that I’m going to have to give up all the booze and drugs on Christmas Day if I’m going to make it through a new episode of Doctor Who without questioning my own grip on reality as I have hitherto known it...

Please tell me someone else saw this scene.

(The Doctor strides straight towards Dave Segal and sings straight into his face.)

Doctor: You keep lying instead of facing facts!
And you keep losing when you ought not to bet!
Why keep quoting Tom Baker if you really can act?
Now, what’s right is right – and you ain’t been right yet!

(Dave Segal turns and stalks off. Rolling his eyes, the Doctor follows, even as Dave Segal hastily doubles back.)

Doctor: No one likes your fan audios!
Hardly anyone knows they’re there!
One of these days you’re gonna twig
That no one really cares!

(Dave Segal tries to get past the Doctor, but cannot and soon they are turning in a circle, pressing their foreheads together as they glare into each other’s eyes.)

Dave Segal: You keep winning BAFTAS you shouldn’t be winning!
And you keep thinking that you’re actually canon! HAH!
I just re-edited your wikipage, yeah!
And what I know, you ain’t had time to learn!

(Embracing each other, they start to do the tango.)

Dave Segal: I’ve played the Doctor for over a decade
It’s just what I do!
Any minute all of fandom
Will choose me over you!

(Dave Segal throws the Doctor to the floor. Dave Segal sneers.)

Dave Segal: Are you ready fans? START POSTING ON OG!!

(The Doctor stares at him, hands in pockets for a long moment. Nothing happens. Dave Segal’s face falls. The Doctor winks. Cut to a fruit machine coming up with three David Tennants.)

will return in