Serial CIN3 – Time Crush
An Alternate Program Guide by Ewen Campion Clarke
From An Entry In The EC Unauthorized Guide O' Goodvibes
Synopsis by Jared "No Nickname" Hansen
"YOA's Discontinuity Guides – Inaccurate But Caring."
Serial CIN3 – Time Crush -
After leaving Martha on Earth, the Doctor is still desperately trying to decipher her mysterious code words - "I'm obsessively in love with and want to do you in the dirt".
As he continues to ponder these words, the TARDIS starts veering madly out of control. The Doctor moves to reset the controls - and feels his arse being pinched. He turns around, and finds himself face-to-face with a fat, bespectacled old man in a nightmarish fluro-multi-coloured coat.
"Do you work out?"
After a few moments the Doctor's selective amnesia clears, and he remembers his massively embarrassing previous incarnations - the shock of the sheer number of humiliating memories that come flooding back nearly causes his brain to leap out of his skull for its own safety, but instead he just collapses on the floor in a cold sweat. All the while his Sixth Incarnation makes clumsy and insensitive pick-up lines.
When it becomes clear that simply meeting has nearly killed his future self, the Sixth Doctor sighs and begins searching around for the fridge, while the Tenth scrabbles to his feet. The Sixth Doctor cheerfully explains that he was on the prowl for some high-class Edwardian tail fruitlessly once again, when he happened to find a photo of his unusually good-looking future self.
"So I thought I'd make out with MYSELF - after all it's clearly what I've wanted to do all these years..."
He goes on to say that to achieve this end, he has crashed his own TARDIS into the Tenth Doctor's, to create a dimensional instability that can destroy the entire Universe in five minutes - and will only leave once his future self agrees to some canoodling. The Tenth Doctor protests and theorizes on the spot that maybe he can escape by eating a hole in the space-time continuum the size of Belgium.
"No, hold on - I've got no Pepto Bismol. Bad, bad idea!"
The Tenth Doctor's next plan seems to be to save himself by gnawing off his own face - or it may be just Tennant trying to convey ambivalence - but the Sixth Doctor attacks and the two find themselves embroiled in the most terrifying Benny Hill chase-scene ever! Eventually the TARDIS buckles again, and both Doctors fall to the floor. The Sixth Doctor cheerfully announces that a black hole is going to detonate any minute - AND NOTHING IN THE WORLD CAN STOP HIM NOW!!!
The Tenth Doctor leaps into action regardless, a de-materializes and re-materializes rapidly through an asteroid field, placing the asteroids in the TARDIS's orbit before aiming and launching them at a planetoid with the force to knock it out of orbit, slam into another planet and send it ricocheting into the black hole and blocking it instantly.
"You jammy bastard!" yells the Sixth Doctor
"Aha! I didn't do anything - I didn't have to! See, when you appeared I got your memories back of this incredibly humiliating experience of remembering me destroying two entire sentient alien races and their home planets just to avoid snuggling up to you, so I KNEW what to do and when to do it without any effort at all."
"ANOTHER Ontological Paradox? Are you capable of working ANYTHING out for yourself? God, I can't believe my future self is so PATHETIC!"
The Sixth Doctor then repeatedly beats himself in the head with a hammer in a bid to wipe his memory of the encounter and thus create a big arse paradox. This causes the Tenth Doctor to smile wistfully.
"You know... I hated being you. I really did. Back when I first started, at the very beginning, I was always setting out to amaze people and bag as many women in ridiculous fashion as I could, like you do when you're young. And then I was you! And it was all lounging around and shouting at people and getting kicked out of gentlemen's clubs for indecent exposure and my voice going all squeaky when I shouted. I still do that, you bastard, I got that from you. I got some proper shoes, though. And a real sweet jacket. Snap. 'Cause you know what, Doctor? You were my least-favourite Doctor. And I'm nothing like you. Thank Christ."
The Sixth Doctor strangles him, but soon vanishes due to the TARDIS re-separating. The Tenth Doctor smiles in relief, and moves to the console to turn his shields back on as quickly as possible... only to find that the shielding circuits are missing!
The Sixth Doctor's voice cuts through the air, sneering: "Oh, Doctor, I hope you didn't mind me taking a small souvenir? Arsehole!"
At that moment there is a terrible crash, and the TARDIS walls crash open, and the Tenth Doctor stares goggle-faced at... THE GIGANTIC FACE OF TOM BAKER!
"Any chance of a pint?"
"I said: 'Any chance of a pint?' "
To Be Continued...
And so ends the commissioned version of the 2007 CiN Special. However, this is not the only possible plotline for the event.
According to a strange guy who sits in the corner of my local pub, The Dead Lemming, a completely different script was penned for this charity skit by a being known only as Sparacus "Flamingo" Jones which was thrown out of rehearsals with bursts of hyena-like laughter.
The synopsis is as follows -
A Massive Lost Opportunity:
The Tenth Doctor is taking Geri Halliwell back to the Earth after a terrifying off-screen adventure with the Wondarks from the Wateh Galaxy, a race of aliens resembling packets of rice crispies flying around through space in craft resembling used squeegee bottles.
However, the TARDIS is caught in an unstable time field and crash-lands in a quarry surrounded by some woods. There is no one around, which does not concern the Time Lord because expecting disused quarries to be a hive of social activity is just stupid.
Leaving Geri in the TARDIS because the author has no idea what to do with her, the Doctor moves through the creepy wood. After five minutes, however, nothing has happened. No strange corpses, suicides, spaceship, nothing. And so he wanders out into the verdant English countryside and there is STILL nothing to see or do, and the time traveler idly bemoans having to change his shoesize every time he regenerates. This leads to a completely pointless monologue about the bio-mechanics of regeneration, which fills another fifteen minutes.
However, there is still another twenty long minutes left, so the Doctor realizes that even the Doctor Who fans viewing will be switching off in droves. They need something all the anoraks will HAVE to stay and watch to get ratings of 10 million rather than cause some comedic skit surrounded by the likes of Terry Wogan and the Spice Girls.
The Doctor announces the time has come for the ultimate ratings ploy -
...he's going to have a proper episode explaining the Temporal Difference of Opinion!
Luckily, the Eighth Doctor happens to be loitering with intent in a disused farm building nearby to shed some light on things, but he's busy playing poker with his companions Charley Pollard and Cecil Rizz Esquire.
The Tenth Doctor awkwardly tries to interrupt the game and suggests he and his previous self reminisce about the horrible war that one has gone through, and the other is going through, perhaps over an amicable spot of tea and some jovial cucumber sandwiches.
The Tenth Doctor broods that, on second thoughts, having the entire Doctor Who production team give up all their free time, bring in McGann against his will to produce a two-and-a-half hour Time War story for CiN that two or three people on the face of the Earth would understand or give a damn about MAY have been a useless waste of everyone's time.
Unless they go the whole hog and bring back Christopher Eccleston... again... and use it to explain the McGann/Eccleston regeneration! If THAT doesn't pull in more viewers and raised more donations, then what in the name of the holy fucking trinity will?
The Ninth Doctor enters, muttering something about "finally scraping the bottom of the barrel so much you burst through and land in the gutter" and "it's almost the same as stealing food directly from starving children's mouths" and "damn Russell T Davies and his team to hell!"
Annoyed, the Tenth Doctor rounds on his past self and is told, "Yeah, cause if CiN rates lower than 10 million, that can ONLY be down to the fact we didn't explain the entire bleeding Time War! I thought tonight was for Children In Need, not us! We're helping THEM, not busking for an extra episode! Sides, there's only 7 minutes left, are you REALLY going to do justice to a battle that shook the cornerstones of creation in that time?!"
"Well, what's YOUR idea then, Big Ears?!" the Tenth Doctor retorts.
"Have some fun! Fun doesn't undermine the world, you know! Or do you lot want to try to encapsulate the essence of an improved ouvre by discussing philosophy in an oh-so-serious manner and deal with series issues? Who wants a dark, dismay, joyless, full length wankfest interspersed with Little Britain sketches? There's always something better than that!"
"Such as?" the Eighth Doctor prompts.
"Well, maybe, just maybe we could do something vaguely interesting like defeat, I dunno, an ALIEN INVASION?!" the Ninth Doctor retorts and points outside, to where three extras in boiler suits and plastic Nicholas Briggs masks are stumbling around blindly.
"Blimey!" the Tenth Doctor explains. "Autons!"
"Yes," the Ninth Doctor sighs. "Autons. Now, go sick 'em, Rex!"
In a matter of minutes, the Doctors have used their Sonic Screwdrivers to build a Deplasticine Disintegrator, and destroy the Autons and instantly restoring the population of Earth.
The Tenth Doctor leaves, and moments later Ben Chatham barges in. "Hello everyone, I'm Ben Chatham! Aren't I striking! Aren't I strapping! Admire my smootheness and inherent gravitas as I instantly gain your respect - what a perfect companion I am!"
"Piss off, Britney!" the Eighth Doctor says, shoving her out the window. "Hang on a second, we never did get round to showing the regeneration."
"Oh yeah, mind like a sieve," the Ninth Doctor says, shooting the Eighth Doctor through the head. He falls to the ground and instantly implodes to become an identical Ninth Doctor.
The other Ninth Doctor turns to face the audience. "Happy now? He's dead. So now you can put this up on youtube, take down all those crappy fanmade sequences, eat your beans on toast, be average. Oh, and donate to Children in Need or I'll rip your bloody arms off."
He turns and leaves as the newly-regenerated Ninth Doctor starts clutching his head and screaming, "OH GOD IT'S LIKE A KOALA CRAPPED A RAINBOW INSIDE MY BRAIN!!"
Book(s)/Other Related -
Doctor Who & The Traffic Accident of TIMEEE!
Dr Who In An Exciting Adventure Of Copping A Feel... Off HIMSELF!
"Stop It Or You ll Always Have Been Blind": Hardcore Time-Wanking 4 Dummies by Justin Richards
Fluffs – David Tennant seemed unsure of his masculinity in this story. Colin Baker, however, seemed INCREDIBLY SURE which side his bread was butted on.
After the Sixth Doctor announces he "is feeling fat and sassy" both Doctors start letting out long, drawn-out karate war screams as they stand perfectly still, staring at each other unblinkingly. This goes on for a full twenty-five seconds.
The Tenth Doctor cheerfully explains the plot of the series three finale to the Sixth Doctor AFTER the ‘amnesia’ incident, so why the hell doesn’t the Tenth Doctor remember it and act so surprised?
The scene where the Doctors compare the sizes of their sonic screwdrivers is ruined since the Tenth Doctor is clearly shown holding a pair of nostril-hair trimmers, and the Sixth wielding a sausage roll.
The Doctor’s Severed Hand In A Jar is clearly an empty coke bottle with a rubber glove shoved over the top.
Fashion Victims –
The Sixth Doctor's outfit is perfectly recreated in every way, and worse, he now also sports a pair of Seal of Rassilon earrings.
The Tenth Doctor "vents the thermo buffer, floors the helmic regular and fries the zeiton crystals or some bollocks like that".
Dialogue Disasters –
Once again, the stress of being in Children in Need causes an incredible amount of baffling and random statements from the Tenth Doctor as he tries to break the awkward silences:
"Tuesday’s coming. Did you bring your coat? I live in a giant bucket!"
"The monkey poured coffee into my boots!"
"You are a consumer whore. And how."
"My spoon is too big!"
"Sweet Jesus! These fish sticks need more sodium, vitamin C and bean lard mulch!"
"I am a banana, Queen of France."
"Angry tics shall fire out of my nipples."
Dialogue Triumphs -
10th Doctor: Who ARE you?
6th Doctor: Take a look!
10th Doctor: Oh... oh no.
6th Doctor: Oh yes!
10th Doctor: You’re... oh no.
6th Doctor: Yes, here it comes.
10th Doctor: You’re...
6th Doctor: Indeed I am!
10th Doctor: ...a *FAG*?!!
6th Doctor: Precisely! Not that it matters nowadays, does it?!
10th Doctor: Jings. Look at you... the coat, the cat badges, the pocket watch... what the fuck were you thinking when you chose that? What the FUCK were you THINKING?!
6th Doctor: You know, it really would help if there wasn't some impudent, offensively slender rapscallion ranting in my face...
10th Doctor: Seriously. WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING?!?
10th Doctor: Right! TARDISes separating! Sorry, Doctor, time's up, back to long ago! Where are you now? I m wondering, do you know where you’ve come from? I mean, is this post-Frobisher or not? Peri or Evelyn? Astrolabus or Nimrod? Time Lords in funny hats or working the day shift with Lavros? Meeting the Rani and the Bastard? OH, he just showed up again! Same as ever...
6th Doctor: Oh, really? Is he still hanging around with blonde bimbos in order to draw attention away from his own sexuality?
10th Doctor: Pretty much. But no beard this time...
6th Doctor: Do you think I’ve got a chance with him?
10th Doctor: Hmmm. No. N-nooooooooo. N-noooooo. Nooooo n-n-nooo. NO!
UnQuotable Quote –
10th Doctor: Is there something WRONG with you?!
Links and References -
The Sixth Doctor and the Tenth Doctor have previously encountered each other in the Big Finish audio drama "Medicinal Porpoises".
The Tenth Doctor initially assumes the Sixth is one of those wacky Emergency Program Holograms he downloaded into the TARDIS console one night when pissed on sake ("The Parting of The Legs").
Untelevised Misadventures -
None whatsoever. Why the hell did I even put this section into the guide when there's absolutely nothing to talk about? What the hell was I thinking? I was a fool to even consider it.
Groovy DVD Extras –
Traditional "get rid of that annoying Children In Need logo and stupid telephone number" option, plus "Pro-Celebrity Wrestling" between Pudsey and Paddington Bear.
Psychotic Nostalgia –
"I never got to see Time Crush. My family at home told me it wasn't worth the hype. 'Short, self reverential and self indulgent' was how they described it. Not that they normally talk like that. That’s what had me questioning my parentage and swearing blind they'd been replaced by Aliens. And that’s why they had to die. ALL of them. I bought some piano wire, especially."
Viewer Quotes -
"Best multi-Doctor story EVAH! By a long way! Exciting, funny and genuinely moving, my only criticism is that it was all over in eight magical minutes of fanwank! All right, so it was eight minutes of anti-Colin Baker trolling, but who cares! The general public are a bunch of inbred freaks who wouldn t know a good Doctor if he raped their livestock and ran off with their wives! Please, RTD, take this further and bring the Mighty Colin Baker Humanity Within Him back for a full-length story! Time Crush MUST show that it would work better than David Jings Tennant!" - Joe Ford Prefect (2007)
"That was it??? I want a full episode you tight-fisted cunts!" - average 11-year-old response (2007)
"The Sixth Doctor is back on TV! Dance! Everybody dance! Yeah! Life is GOOD! This is fun! Hang on. My anus is bleeding. My ANUS is BLEEDING! FOR THE GOD AND ALL THAT IS HOLY – MY **ANUS** IS BLEEDING!" - Lemon Bloody Cola (2008)
"David Tennant played his part very tongue-in-cheek, resembling at times an adult Harry Potter (or a slimmed-down Joe Pasquale), whilst Colin resurrected his incarnation and appeared faintly embarrassed at having to do so. Time Crush featured no action, no special guests and no outdoor filming and was nothing more than an extravagent link between the conclusion of the retarded Welsh Series Three and the subsequent Christmas special. That so-called new series was less a follow-on from the original TV series than an off-shoot of Big Finish. More an illegitimate second-cousin than a legitimate child! You just wait! Sooner or later, cracks will beging to show in its thin veneer of superficiality! The people will realize that Russell T. Davies' version of our favourite show is an abomination against all mankind! AND I, THE EVEN MORE DISCERNING FAN, SHALL BE TRIUMPHANT! NYA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAA!" - Gabriel Chase (2008)
"Yeah, I kinda missed the CiN special. In fact, I always miss the CiN special. So... uh... what was it about?" - Casual Fan Quarterly (2007)
[Ed Note: Sorry, that last bit belonged in "Non-Viewer's Quotes". Won't happen again!]
"I thought Time Crush was made of awesome with tiny sprinkles of fantabulousness on top. It could only have been made any better with the Tenth Doctor finding out that Rose gave him crabs and the Sixth showing up with the blue ointment!" - Mad Larry the Pirate King (2007)
"I don’t see this special as any reason to see the New Series as canon. So David Tennant’s Doctor was once unambiguously Colin Baker’s Doctor. So fucking what? It’s not like Colin Baker was popular or successful, and a man of his age wearing a clown costume with a peroxide perm failing utterly to mimic his 1980s natural curl battling against appalling writing in a pathetic laugh-a-minute episode making a complete tosser out of the Doctor and not taking anything seriously. It doesn’t matter if it’s for charity, the New Series does NOT fucking count!" - Baysan Tulu (2007)
David Tennant Speaks!
"It all just seems so preposterous. It’s very odd when Colin Baker came in dressed in the full gear, like the Mardi Gras Float from Hell... I’m probably more aware of the show’s legacy, because I grew up with it as part of popular culture and it was a national icon. So being bluntly reminded of the time when it WASN’T a national icon and everyone and his horse HATED it, well, it’s easy to summon the revulsion I have for the Sixth Doctor. Not Colin Baker though, he’s great. Just the character he PLAYS that I want to beat to death down a dark alley. Yeah, he’s a little bit older, but he’s still got it, it’s still him, he’s still the Sixth Doctor, the same guy I despised when I was watching him when I was thirteen... Am I worried that Colin’s performance might undermine my fanbase? Nonsense! They better not put his name in the credits before mine, that’s all I’m saying. Unless my name swings in and knocks Colin’s off-screen. That’d do me."
Colin Baker Speaks!
"It was quite easy to step back into the role. I only stopped in the early nineties, and then I played the, er, Stranger for BBV. Hah, how dumb are the people who fell for that, eh? Then, of course, I joined up with Big Finish in 99 and have been doing a play every month or so ever since. They’re very rude to me throughout the script, aren’t they? I’ll be back for The 25 Doctors, mark my words."
Russell T Davies Speaks!
"I’m beyond professional comment really. I went in there thinking, 'Ooh, what’s this going to be like, an old man in fancy dress trying to out-camp David?' And I was right. Colin’s got the same energy, the same arrogance, and the same face, obviously, which is handy. A lot of the material slagging the Sixth Doctor off just wouldn’t work if Colin wasn’t in it."
Originally Peter Davison was lined up to reprise his role for as the Fifth Doctor, but had to cancel since the only outfit he could comfortably fit into was the one worn by Sylvester McCoy.
Rumors & Facts –
Children In Need had its gnarled talons around the metaphorical balls of the Doctor Who production team since its return to the screen in 2005. Running out of any ideas for a charity skit NOT involving doping London's water supply with hard hallucinogenic drugs, Executive Producer Julie Gardner decided that there would a be a proper multi-Doctor story for the first time since... actually, multi-Doctor tales were shockingly run of the mill since 2005 returned. But for some reason, CiN were completely fooled and work began on the skit.
Commissioned to pen the eight-minute charity skit was Steven Moffat, who was completely drunk at the time and assumed he was actually being asked if he was going to be sick. When he finally sobered up and had the BBC-standard panic attack about what the hell he d been suckered into, he then spent the next two months trying to work out a possible title.
"It's about a crush the Sixth Doctor has on himself, but in the future. A sort of crush over time. A Time Crush. It's THAT clever!" he screamed into his hands as he realized he still hadn't written a bloody word of the eight-page script demanded by Pudsey s hired goons and their baseball bats.
Similarly terrified of the Charity Mafiosi was Graeme Garden, who had moonlighted as a director for the 1980s stories The Phantom of Androzani (featuring the first appearance of Colin Baker) and Rhododendron of the Dustbins (featuring the last appearance of Colin Baker for eighteen months) as well as the New Series episodes Silver Finish, Dustbin Versus Cyberman!, 47 and Dystopia.
The episode was screened on November 16, Children in Need Night, memorably just after John Barrowman (who played Captain Jack Sparrow), raised six thousand pounds by having sex with Terry Wogan in front of nine million viewers while he sang "Your Song". Since Wogan was totally unaware of this 'charity shag', his surprised screams merged seamlessly with the opening credits as the producers of Children in Need fearfully cut away as soon as possible.
Time Crush, featuring even MORE homosexual deviancy, had viewing figures of 10.9 million viewers watching as Doctor Who was repeatedly fondled by a strange old man in a patchwork coat. Disturbingly, more people saw this hideous multi-Doctor skit than the revival s premiere, Ruse, three years previously.
The performances of both Colin Baker and David Tennant were well-received, at least by those who realized they were acting. Most viewers assumed that Baker was some psycho-fan trying to rape his childhood hero and Tennant was bravely trying to stick to the script as he signaled for security to literally save his ass.
Steven Moffat was praised for his writing. Like THAT’S unusual.
Later the evening, Tennant performed his traditional musical interlude:
"Most People I Know (Thought You Were Rubbish)" by Pudsey, AKA The Animal of Rock!
Most people I know thought you were crazy!
And, I know at times, I act a little hazy,
But if that’s my way, at least it’s endearing!
Seriously, mate, what’s with that earring?
In your short on-screen life, there was this confusion
We liked anything done by Saward! It was a delusion!
The stories were stupid, you were a total jerk!
Was anyone in the production team doing *ANY* work?
And that’s why,
Most people I know thought you were crazy!
The monsters were crap and cliffhangers lazy!
Your era was so bad, it could have had Captain Jack!
Worse than Touchwood, no wonder you got the sack!
Fans say it was a lost opportunity
A catharsis of spurious morality!
Me? I cheered when they cast McCoy!!
Being with you, I ain’t jumping for joy!
Most people I know thought you were crazy!
And, I know at times, I act a little hazy,
But if that’s my way, at least it’s endearing!
Seriously, mate, what’s with that earring?