Monday, February 1, 2010

10th Doctor - Blink (ii)

Book(s)/Other Related -
The 1986 Doctor Who Annual
The 2006 Doctor Who Annual
Sally Sparrow Goes Wild!

Fluffs - David Tennant seemed static for most of this story.

"This will blow forums... at least until that damn gay agenda gets mentioned and the next thing you know, the thread will be locked!"

Goofs -
Larry Nightingale is regularly forced to walk round naked by his own sister? UNCOOL!!
In the first shot, it’s raining with very, very frightening thunder and lightening. Then it is a beautiful sunny day in autumn as Sally goes into the house and pulls wallpaper off the wall to reveal the writing - but wallpaper is normally only 52cm wide, so how could she pull off such wide sections? Well, obviously I myself turned off in disgust - I mean the wallpaper was TOO BIG!
And no one thinks to comment on all these weird looking statues of creepy angels that kept popping up out of nowhere WHY EXACTLY?
The guy from Hull had a Stoke accent. WTF?!?
"Kathy Wainwright" on the gravestone is spelt "Throat-Wobbler Mangrove".
In one of the shots where Laurence was trying not to blink and Sally was looking for a way out, someone can be seen moving across the set in the background. The silhouette suggests either RTD or Alfred Hitchcock.
In the TARDIS we can see Derek Jacobi regenerating into John Simm on the other side of the console to Sally and Larry. Kind of ruined things for me, personally, especially after the wallpaper stuff.
Old Billy’s wedding ring seems rather too large for his finger. OK, he WAS in hospital for a hideous wasting disease, but come on!
The hairdresser’s shop behind the Doctor has a six digit telephone number that does NOT begin with a 7 or 8. This totally ruined the show for me just as I began to forgive the wallpaper unpleasantness.
The final sequence. Are all statues actually evil and out to get us? Um... no. No, they’re not. What a fucking stupid question to ask the viewer. SEE the statues... STAY STILL! SEE the innocent public... walk by them WITHOUT ANYTHING AT ALL HAPPENING!! SEE NOTHING BAD OCCUR WHATSOEVER! Christ, I thought the dumb six year old in a gas mask was a pathetic fright-gambit, but this is on another level entirely... Not even hardcore agalmaphobes could freak out over this shite!!

Fashion Victims -
Larry au naturelle. Blimey, Sally’s easily-pleased, isn’t she?

Technobbable -
"People assume that plotting the episode is a strict progression of cause to effect, but ACTUALLY... from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint, it’s more like a big ball of wibbly-wobbly... timey-wimey... stuff. But it works. Got the BAFTAs to prove it."

Dialogue Disasters -

Larry: They’re looking at each other... They’re really bloody ugly.

Kathy: Sally Sparrow, you PROMISED you’d come to the pub! It’s Saturday night, we NEED to be here!
Sally: Why?
Kathy: Because we don’t have boyfriends and we’re going to die!
Sally: We’re WHAT?!
Kathy: Well. You know. One day.
Sally: ...g’night Kathy.

A sample of Moffat’s critique proof gift for realistic dialogue –
"I’m clever and I’m listening and don’t patronize me because people have died, and I’m not happy!"

Kathy: Okay! Let’s investigate! You and me, girl investigators. Love it! Hey! Sparrow and Nightingale! That so works!
Sally: Bit ITV.
Kathy: I know! They’re desperate for something to rate against Doctor Who now Ant and Dec have had nervous breakdowns...

Another gem of Moffat’s so-called 'brilliance' -
"What cow field? Why are there cows?? What’s that about, cows??"

Dialogue Triumphs -

Larry: The guys are going to go mental about this one!
Sally: When you say 'the guys', you mean 'the internet', don’t you?
Larry: How d’you know?
Sally: Spooky, isn't it?
Larry: Don’t patronize me, bitch!

Kathy earns the ire of the Weeping Angels -
"What a piece of crap! I wouldn’t have that in my garden, it’d be a neon sign saying "Pigeons Crap Here!" Look at that rain damage! It might as well have been made out of polystyrene! I bet they were carved like that because the sculptor was shit at faces, too. And no one’s graffiti’d them, they’re not even worth tagging. I’d be embarrassed to have my teenage urban alienation connected ANYWHERE NEAR these shit magnets!"

Kathy: Everyone says this place is haunted.
Sally: Haunted and beautiful. It makes me feel sad.
Kathy: What’s so good about sad?
Sally: Sad is happy for deep people.
Kathy: Don’t patronize me, bitch!

Larry: Okay. Not sure, but really, really hoping. [points down] Pants?
Sally: No.
Larry: Oh, no not again. I hate you, Kathy! What’re you thinking?!
Kathy: She doesn’t have a boyfriend. I was hoping she might have torn you limb from limb! Honestly, my useless brother... only been here for three days and the fridge is empty and everything smells of feet.
Larry: And that’s your excuse for stripping me every night!
Kathy: Like I need one!
Sally: OK, the creepy house is starting to look positively comforting in comparison right about now...

The Doctor’s ludicrously inappropriate final monologue:
"Don’t blink. Don’t wink. Don’t arch a quizzical eye brow. Don’t furrow your forehead. Don’t nod sagely. Don’t even twitch. And don’t blink. All statues are evil and out to get you. Good luck."

Kathy: Who’d come here? What are you doing?! It could be a burglar!
Sally: A burglar who rings the doorbell? No burglar does that!
Kathy: So he’s OBVIOUSLY a professional!!

Sally: How? How is this possible? Tell me!
Doctor: People don’t understand time. It’s not what you think it is.
Sally: Then what is it?
Doctor: Complicated.
Sally: Tell me.
Doctor: VERY complicated.
Sally: Don’t patronize me, bitch!
Larry: Hah! Payback! Awesome.

UnQuotable Quote -
Doctor: This is security protocol 712. This time capsule has detected the presence of an authorized control disc, valid one journey. Please insert the disc and prepare for departure. On leaving the time capsule please do nothing that may avert the creation of your own species. Thank you.

Links and References -
Larry turns this adventure into a mock schoolgirl essay which he sells to World Distributors under the cunning pseudonym of "S. Moffat".

Untelevised Misadventures -
Technically THIS is, when you think about it. You have to think about it really hard though, I’m talking screw your eyes up really, really tight until you see blood, while hanging upside down looking at a mirror. Once you regain consciousness, it all makes sense.

Groovy DVD Extras -
An exclusive recipe for Weeping Angel Cake and every disc comes with a special limited edition Lonely Assassin Inaction Figure.

The Spite of Sparacus -
"Should Steven Moffat’s sexuality be more fluid? OK, perhaps sexuality is the wrong word, how about versatile? He obviously feels a great attachment to his female characters. Why not Adam Rickitt? Why do we get women having sex with men and women having sex with women but not a whole episode composed of Adam Rickitt, naked and glazed with honey. Notions of 'hardcore gay porn' are simplistic. It is not the function of Doctor Who to keep people in the closet, and while I am not advocating the inclusion of some token gay character, I would suggest a 45-minute exploration of Adam Rickitt’s sexuality with lurid closeups and a 18+ certificate. A gay porn film about a honey-soaked Ben Chatham wanking for an hour written by Steven Moffat would be brilliant!"

Viewer Quotes -

"I could have pissed this in my sleep!"
- Mad Larry Miles the Pirate King (2007)

"Blank reminded me wholeheartedly of an episode of One Foot in the Grave, especially that one where Victor Meldrew regularly came up against the awesome power of living statues and had relatives popping backwards in time." - Jo Ford Prefect (2007)

"Blank is like watching a particularly good jigsaw being assembled before you by someone else. Thrilling television, as you can imagine." - Andrew Beeblebrox (2009)

"Blank is genius. Blank is superb. Blink is so brilliant that you want to hang it in the television equivalent of the Tate and shout to complete strangers 'THAT’S how you write bloody good, intelligent, funny and clever television!' I’m almost beyond superlatives!"
- Generic OG Squeer (2007)

"Only Steven Moffat can rise above the artificial emotionlism that dogs the new series in a brilliant episode of The Twilight Zone. This is how you subvert the dog turd of a format, you gay Welsh deviant, not Love & Pizzas! Sally Sparrow is a very talented actress and should be an ongoing character. Plus the whole cell block think she’s hot."
- Ron Mallet (2008)

"DWM Comic Strips, 1960s Dustbin movies, The Key to Chicken, New Adventures, now Doctor Who Annuals?! This year’s scripts have seen a level of recycling that puts the Green Party to shame!"
- Dave Restal (2006)

"I hate Coupling. I hate that turgid, silly reworking of Jekyll and Hyde. Yet somehow he can produce something as amazingly sharp as Blank? It’s the slickest, frightening Doctor Who script ever, the most successful story of the year, with no annoying pathologically glib moments, sweeping vision, beating hearts, or a female character who doesn’t go all giggly when in the company of a good-looking bloke. Volumes could be written about the heterosexual male wish-fulfillment that has populated Moffat’s "look-at-me-I’m-clever" scripts, especially when she decides she’s really interested in the geek... But above all Blank is GENUINELY ORIGINAL!" - Mike Morris (2008)

"Original? Pah! Not only does it rip off Moffat’s OWN work, it also steals from Ruse, The Idiot Box, Silver Finish, Love & Pizzas, Invisible Restal, The Fifth Element, Lame Shit, Goth Night, The Crones of Blood, Battlefield: Earth, I’m Dreamin, Warner Brother Cartoons, Get Smart, Sapphire & Steel, Twelve Monkeys, Pattern Recognition AND Life on Mars! I can prove it all! Because I’m better than absolutely everybody else in the whole wide world!" - Nala Snevets (2007)

"Unsettling. The Oncoming Storm has finally stopped being The Passing Drizzle! See Andrew Cartmel, this is how it should be done! Keep it up, Mister Moffat!"
- Duchess of Edinburgh (no, I don’t understand it either)

"The script is as tight as the pope’s anus!"
- Sparacus "Flamingo" Jones (2008)

"Blank is an up-it-arse story far too clever for it’s own good. But who cares when it’s full of hot chicks? Carey Mulligan isn’t just preternaturally attractive, she’s a very good actress whose emotions are scrawled over her face in moments of real, naked honesty. It just so happens she has many moments of real, honest nakedness. Good stories every time, good drama every time, good girl-on-girl action every time... STEVEN MOFFAT ROCKS!" - Nigel Verkoff (2008)

David Tennant Speaks!
"I have great respect for the people in the Weeping Angel costumes, because they all have great arses and are real demons in the sack. Course, I’ve done some spacesuit stuff myself this year and I sure as hell wouldn’t want to do that every day. As soon as something’s on your head, you’re sort of cut off – you’re in an isolation booth, really – and it takes a lot of patience just to get through the day. No wonder they need a good hard shagging once filming’s over. I’m just grateful I don’t have to do that. Wear the costumes all the time, I mean. I’m ALWAYS up for the shagging once filming’s over."

Freema Agyeman Speaks!
"One of my favorite episodes! Honestly! It was creepy on the page, so creepy when someone knocked on my trailer door I screamed with fright, and it absolutely jumped off the page onto the screen – it was exactly how I’d envisaged it would look. A really great, spooky story. And I wasn’t allowed to be part of it. WHY DO THEY HATE ME SO?!"

Carey Mulligan Speaks!
"Sally Sparrow really is the Doctor, I suppose. I mean, he’s not had some horribly kinky sex change, but the main character. The story revolves around this slightly mad and violently dangerous gutsy girl who never actually explains what she does for a living. The script’s SUPPOSED to be terrifying, but we were screaming for fear. I was almost crying, but Sally’s quite courageous. I’d wet myself in terror if I had to face the Weeping Angels, and so does Hettie MacDonald the Director. But she probably would like to keep her incontinence secret, now I come to think of it."

Finlay Robertson Speaks!
"I’m not Steve McQueen, I’m not method. I’m a gentleman. So the nude scenes weren’t real. And that’s not because I feel physically under endowed. Oh no siree. Let us talk of nicer things, like the fact I love Doctor Who and had incredibly inappropriate dreams about one or two of the Tom Baker episodes that I shall hereafter refer to as night terrors for the purpose of the interview. I reckon that has been leading my life, subconsciously, towards being involved in the show. Destiny, I tell thee. DESTINY!!"

Russell T Davies Speaks!
"Those kids watching will remember this episode FOREVER. They can watch the other twelve that I write, but do they remember them? Oh no, far too much to expect that, isn’t it! I am not bitter."

Steven Moffat Speaks!
"Doctor Who is more terrifying than Hammer Horror BECAUSE we can’t afford vaguely convincing monsters, gore or special effects. But then, hell, I’VE never SEEN a monster. But I’ve HEARD them, scratching at my door, SENSED them under my bed. While the monsters still lurk in the shadows, Doctor Who looks EXACTLY like bedroom at night, which itself was a rather unconvincing and wobbly BBC set. And lots of brilliant Doctor Who moments don’t actually have him there and are all the scarier for it. He’s still the star, he’s just not the main character. Anyway, I replaced him with a hot girl, so who cares?! Carey Mulligan is Doctor Who’s best-ever companion. No she IS, sorry. Never actually traveled with him, but them’s the breaks – look what Frobisher had to overcome! Sally Sparrow, best ever. It’s my story, and that’s what I say, so there. I doubt this will top ANY polls, because of the simple fact that Doctor Who should do what it says on the tin, which is provide you with David Tennant popping out of his TARDIS and kicking the crap out of alien nasties. But it will be incredibly popular. You fans are sheep."

Trivia -
The Region 1 DVD listed this story as featuring the theme of "awful sci-fi porn travesty", "laughable" violence, "Oh Yeah! She Gets Her Jubblies Out All Right!" sex/nudity and the language was considered "sub-par". The cover designer responsible for this has been buried alive in Steven Moffat’s garden. As well as a few Jehovah’s Witnesses.

Rumors & Facts -

Everyone went loopy for it back in 2007. It won the author his THIRD SUCCESSIVE Hugo. Its wikipedia entry reads simply "Damn, it’s good!" Yep, it’s ANOTHER bloody Steven Moffat script full of clever goodness that makes all reviewers snobs and slag off the rest of the year’s episodes for not having the same quality.

"Another superb episode from the pen of Moffat," they said. "Is there no end to this man’s talent?" they asked. "Is it possible that he could ever write a bad episode?" they asked. "So far all of the episodes that he has written have been superb and he has not dropped the ball once in any of the four episodes that he has penned so far since the show returned three years ago!" they said. "We all love his work so much and why his episodes are always brilliant examples of the show! He is by far and away our own personal favorite of the new series writers – a Steven Moffat episode just seems to have an extra sheen of something special to it!" they said. "It’s very difficult to think of something bad to say about the story!" they said. "There were no holes in the plot, the direction was faultless, the acting was good all round and the Weeping Angels were beautifully designed!" they said. "They should get rid of Nelson and replace him with Moffat!"

Go fricken marry the damn Scotsman if you love him so much, you mindless groupies – I notice none of you panting bitches defended him when he actually became head writer of Doctor Who though, did you?

This are only one thing you need to know about the production of Blank and that it is by Steven Moffat who contributed Shell Shock and The Nun in the Lift-Shaft, two of the best-received stories of the revived Doctor Who and that executive producer RTD was furious. Two. There are only TWO things you need to know about the production of Blank – it is by Steven Moffat; RTD did not like it; and it was the double-bank episode where two stories are made simultaneously using the Doctor and companion in very minor roles just like Love & Pizzas. Three. There are three things you must know of... oh, I’ll come in again.

Writing a vital Dustbin story had been more than enough to ensure Rob Shearman never came near to Doctor Who ever again, so RTD decided to give Moffat a two-part Dustbin story and cut the git’s ego down to size. Alas, Moffat’s hectic social schedule and well-known disregard for Dustbins would not permit this, or even a two-part story.

In rising desperation, RTD demanded Moffat finally write that 'haunted space library' drivel that had been on Moffat’s to-do list since 2005, but Moffat declined that as well. It turned out that Moffat was far too busy to do anything about Doctor Who as he was writing and executive-producing his new semi-autobiographical sitcom about Steven Greenhorn entitled Jekyll. It was, therefore, rather stupid of him to have committed himself to Doctor Who at the same time as his schedule.

Negotiation continued and the recalcitrant Moffat was finally willing to maybe tackle the late-season "Doctor Lite" adventure around March 2006 if he wasn’t too busy and felt the muse upon his person. It quickly became apparent the muse had buggered off to the Bahamas with all the royalties, and Moffat was bereft of inspiration.

This was particularly galling as the previous night at the pub he had quite vocally made it clear he had a brilliant idea for a two-parter called "The Shadow Hive Of The Endless Dark", featuring the Doctor and Martha arriving in 1979 in a small village near a country mansion where people are killed by spooky and mysterious flesh-eating shadows. Put this idea, like so many, was lost by the fifteenth pint of bitter.

In times of hardship and desperation, great men have turned to the classics of literature for comfort and reassurance. Not following this tradition in the slightest, Moffat decided to base his script entirely off a short story in a Doctor Who annual. His intention was simply to plagiarize one of the stories he had written for the first and only Ninth Doctor annual, "What I Did on My Summer Vacation by Calvin, Boy of Destiny!" (which, with a similar level of dedication he had written at the last minute and barely featured the Doctor, didn’t feature Rose, and was disturbingly similar to a certain Press Gang episode). But things didn’t turn out exactly quite as planned.

Quite simply, instead of getting the 2006 Doctor Who Annual, Moffat accidentally got a copy of the 1986 Doctor Who Annual instead. What was disturbing that Moffat didn’t notice and despite the fact the book full of pinups of Colin Baker, kept searching for a story he’d already written – ideally involving a small child discovering messages addressed to them behind wallpaper, in photographs, and on a videocassette left by the Doctor, who is stranded in the past.

It finally dawned on Moffat simultaneously with a truly-respected-to-the-point-of-being-borderline-royalty hangover that he’d actually got the wrong damn book, but he was comfortable at the moment and decided to plagiarize it anyway. He noticed one of those pesky stories he hadn’t written about the Sixth Doctor, Peri and Sil – Aardvark’s Experiment – featured evil moving statues of angels which he was sure would terrify and torment small children. Another story, Pisstake, featuring an ontological paradox that defeated an evil alien menace trying to conquer the world with artificial Margaret Thatchers so Moffat nicked that idea too (though the Thatcher stuff was vetoed on the grounds it would be too hideous for a family audience); while another story, In My Face, just featured the Doctor explaining a rather demented time paradox about a haunted house for three pages (which Moffat then lifted word for word); and the final story, entitled Radio Daze, ended with the Doctor and his companions being flung into the depths of time by the evil Michael Grade (giving the perfect reason for Moffat to sideline the cast).

Having nicked a bunch of twenty-two-year-old ideas from World Distributors, Moffat decided that the resultant plot needed to focus on an incredibly fit bird, and thus named her Sally Sparrow. For his amusement, Moffat then added another chick named after bird and wrote gratuitous scenes of them lezzing it up for no reason at all. But these random additions garnered no complaints at all and Moffat strongly began to suspect that everyone was assuming his genius didn’t actually require any creative criticism at all.

Now deeply annoyed, Moffat rewrote the ending so the Angels killed absolutely everyone and destroyed the sun, the final scene featured a heavily-pregnant Sally working in a DVD rental store with Bill Bailey.

Moffat waited for someone to notice a slight discrepancy about the world ending and then not, or at least notice that the ending was a rather stupid denouement to the sexual tension he had been building up between Sally and Larry throughout the story. After about three months everyone still thought the script was absolutely perfect and were loathe to change it, even though Martha repeatedly referred to herself as "Dame Rose Tyler of the Powell Estate" and called the Doctor "Casanova Fronkensteen the Third".

In disgust, Moffat rewrote the script to be even vaguely coherent and was creeped out when the rest of the production team simply smiled like Stepford Wives and said they honestly couldn’t tell the difference.

Around the time that production began, Moffat decided to give the adventure a title of Sally Sparrow –vs- The Weeping Angels, but didn’t bother to tell anyone else rightly assuming they wouldn’t pay attention anyway. Thus it went into recording with untitled! Luckily, the captioner for the story noticed that the box marked "Title" had been left blank, and so Blank the episode became.

Originally intended to form the sixth production block of the season, but when it was decided to move up the recording dates, it became Block Five which is the kind of strange and amazing thing that happens to the Doctor Who recording schedule, especially when the director was Hettie Wainthrop fictional detective who had similarly directed the film Beautiful Thingy, as well as episodes of Poirot, Servants and Casualty also coincidentally called Beautiful Thingy. Some say she only accepted Doctor Who in the confused belief that "Doctor Who" was a working title and the final result would be Beautiful Thingy.

The first shot completed for Blank was the Doctor’s hologram, performed on the TARDIS set at Upper Boat Studios on November 7th. This is the kind of crucial fact which I know some readers depend on to live as their empty lives spin pointlessly through the darkness.

For everyone else, here’s another quote from Steven Moffat "Well everybody, kiss and make up. Or kiss and make out. No, hang on, we’re all asexual, according to me. Let’s all have a-sex, that's sounds good. In other news: due to popular demand, I am even now working on my Pompadour sequel. It’s called 'This Time, Fellatio!'"

Anyway, the main stretch of recording began on November 20th since November 19th had already happened and being stunted, time-locked primitive anthropoids, none of the cast and crew could travel back in time to see it. Pah!

On this day, the old National Westminster Bank was the police station, providing the perfect excuse for some of the special effects team to dress up as policemen and simply steal next year’s CGI budget from the vaults without ANYONE at ALL noticing while the main cast retired to a pub for no actual reason other than to get wasted in a scene that wasn’t even edited out of the episode it was so extraneous.

On the 22nd, MacDonald’s team was fortunate to locate a ramshackle old house on Field Park Road in Newport which could serve as Gabriel Chase. Well, I SAY "fortunate", since they just used the old ex-brothel and den of ill repute that had been used as the exact same location in the Sylvester McCoy era of the late 1980s. MacDonald’s team did no actual work of any kind bar relying on a location manager’s notes of several decades previous. Three days were spent there, from November 23rd to 25th, although the edifice’s derelict state made the experience at times uncomfortable. The fact the junkie tramps insisted on trying to seduce the Weeping Angels and celebrating Doctor Who’s birthday didn’t help much, either, now I come to mention it.

December dawned and so did realization that the team still had half an episode to film, so MacDonald’s team stopped fannying about and returned to Upper Boat for the sequence of Sally and Larry inside the TARDIS, much to the annoyance of Graeme Garden who was filming the epic and deeply secret sequence of the Bastard regenerating on the same set and the same time. This screw up still bewilders viewers to this day, wondering why when the Derek Jacobi Bastard transforms into John Simm there are suddenly two gormless teenagers in the background babbling about DVD extras and evil statues.

You’d have thought they would have reshot the scenes, used some nifty CGI paint out the inappropriate characters or maybe just edit out the stupid scene, but no. They kept it in. In fact, only ONE sequence was edited out of Blank and that would have formed part of the pre-credits teaser wherein:

The Doctor and Martha realize that the Bastard has taken over the GPO tower and is using it to send out a mesmeric influence over the working classes to make them rise up and assassinate the royal family. The Doctor strongly believes that England should be allowed to execute its monarchy at its own pace, so the Bastard retaliates by blasting the Doctor and Martha back to 1969 with the aide of his nefarious zectronic beam controller!

This might have been cut because it would completely invalidate the following three-part epic season finale RTD had been slaving over all year, but equally it could have been removed because it was total crap.

Absolutely no one was surprised when Blank spawned yet another Doctor Who spin off in the form of "Sparrow and Nightingale: Cute Geeks Save The World!" Even less were surprised when it was immediately more popular than any other spin off, rated incredibly highly, became an international success and was later adapted as US sitcom entitled "Blink And You’ll Miss Em" which totally missed the point and was nothing more than '"Friends" with moving statues' which in turn bombed terribly Stateside and was never mentioned again beyond, ironically, an Easter Egg extra on the SANCGSTW exclusive DVD box set.

Also, there is a rumor that the character of Larry is actually based on Lawrence Miles (AKA Mad Larry the Pirate King) as part of a spiteful hate campaign on Moffat’s behalf. This is not true because a) Larry as portrayed is not a complete jerk who hates absolutely everything b) Moffat gives absolutely no thought to Mad Larry, let alone taking the effort to parody him in a TV script. So, if you’re reading this, Mister Miles, your unrecognized genius remains just that.

Meanwhile, David Tennant continued his baffling desire to sing in every episode and unleashed the long-frustrated Geek side of his persona, so the dramatic youtube montage that ended the story wasn’t just a simple collage of the Ninth Doctor shouting at Dustbins, the Tenth patronizing the Scottish and Martha Jones looking incredibly hot and sweaty – but seriously pre-2005 stuff! There was even bits in BLACK AND WHITE! How fricken hardcore is that, huh?!

And as we saw such wonders as Ian and Barbara ogling a naked Susan Foreman; Tegan and the Bastard having sex; the Cybermen emerging from eggboxes; the ridiculous 70s outfits of the Spiceminer crew from Kaldor City; Tom Baker double-taking at the sight of Wendy Padbury sprawled across the TARDIS console; Sarah Jane Smith falling in love with a severed hand; the QUIRKS!!!; Rose dumping the Tenth Doctor; a very, very, long, long, LONG lingering shot of Peri nude; Jay and Silent Bob stalking Victoria; Grace Holloway trying to kill the Eighth Doctor; the Sea Lion taking over Tremas’ body; the Sixth Doctor, Glitz and the Bastard having fun on a beach; Autons doing what Autons do best until the Third Doctor kills them all in a cheap negative effect; the Fourth Doctor cruising for chicks with the Loch Ness Monster; the Sixth Doctor getting crushed by his own tombstone; and lots and lots of other crap that I couldn’t be bothered to write down...

"No Thanks for the Memories?" by the Angels Stealing Phone Boxes Combo

Well, now the living statues are sorted
Say a prayer but let the end credits roll
"Oh, no, next week’s is by RTD!"
If that’s the worst you got
No wonder you didn’t get far in the industry!

For once just look forward to the future
Before your eyesight starts going bad
This season finale
Is going to be awesome
It’s got Captain Jack and Sir Derek Jacobi!

One night and one more time
Thanks for the memories
Even though they weren’t so good
Eccleston says, "Don’t be bitter!"
One night, yeah, and one more time
Thanks for the memories, thanks for the memories
Eccleston says, "Seriously, don’t be bitter!"

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