Book(s)/Other Related -
Dr Who: Apocalypse of the Dustbins
The Two-And-A-Bit Doctors
I, Lavros and the Seven Dusty Sins: Innocence, Purity, Disloyalty, Guilt, Corruption, Fear, and Underestimating Temps from Chiswick!
Fluffs - David Tennant seemed threefold for most of this story.
"Saturday comes after Friday, or at least that’s what THEY think..."
"AND I HATE UNIT!" screams one Dustbin for no apparent reason.
"Sup B-boiz! It’s me! L-L-L-LAAAAAAAAAVROS, you in sum reel pretty sheet now boiz!! Fo rizzel! Yo ass is mine, bitch!"
Why wasn’t Cardiff stolen in Wrong Turn? Did the Dustbins realize Raph was full of shit in that timeline and just get on with destroying the universe or what?
The scene where the Doctor, Donna, Jenny and Alonzo run off to the TARDIS they are clearly running out of the studio and in the opposite direction to the police box.
Seriously, how crap is Mr. Smith? He’s an Atari computer console with a spatula and a pop-up toaster strapped to it – when, according to Sarah Jane Misadventure continuity he should be a Macintosh computer console with a car aerial and 1980s lightning globe strapped do it, as per the rebuild in "The Lost Bouy".
When the other Tenth Doctor regenerates his entire body, how come question mark boxer shorts are part of the process? Shouldn’t he be utterly stark naked? Not that I WANTED to see David Tennant naked... I mean, even I did, it’s not exactly difficult to do, is it?
When seen in long shots Cardiff becomes Central Europe.
When Mr. Copper transfers control of the Subwave Subway Submersible Submachine Network to Touchwood, the map circles an area in Venezuela, not Cardiff. Mind you, the Subwave Subway Submersible Submachine manages to work without any satellites (as do all TVs and cell phones), so being assigned to the wrong continent isn’t so big a deal. And how come the subwave only seeks out companions of the Tenth Doctor?
At certain points during action, the director can be heard marveling at how realistic all special effects are.
You know, the Dustbins couldn’t have existed in a universe where they are the only forms of matter anyway. Every source of energy, and even light itself, would cease to exist. The air through which sound ways travel would cease to be. There would be no space or time. They would simply have no space to exist, as even space itself would cease to be. There would not be an empty blackness, for even blackness is something. There would be nothing at all. Like Canberra without the relaxed traffic laws. The Dustbin Suzpreme REALLY ought to have thought of that.
If Cardiff is sucked across the universe, how come the Valium is sucked along as well? How do Rose, Ricky and Jackie find their way there when the mighty Time Lord needs a mobile phone signal to lock on? If Cardiff has moved, why didn’t the space-time rift stay on Earth?
So Dustbin Raph broke into the time lock around the war between the Dustbins and the Time Lords and changed establish history by saving Lavros and the Dustbin Suzpreme, bringing them to 2009 so they can destroy all life in the universe and all future history. And the Dommervoy didn’t so much as notice? Did ANYONE even THINK about this at ANY STAGE before they filmed and screened it all?!
Fashion Victims -
Lavros’ black leather hoodie.
"Well, it’s something to do with the Tandoka scale, don’t ask me what it is because I don’t know, and I’m going to talk really quickly and use an awful lot of big words then everyone will think I’m very clever when actually I don’t have the slightest clue what I’m driveling on about.... trail! Wavelength! Hurrah! We can follow the trail on the Jsundgdgidey wavelength! I don’t know WHICH wavelength that is, because I just made it up. I’m allowed to do that you know, Jenny!"
Dialogue Disasters -
Doctor: Saturday? Good. I like Saturdays. Really get the niche audience at that teatime slot. Wouldn’t work on a Wednesday.
Sarah holds it together for Luke’s benefit:
"Oh god, you’re so young! They’re going to KILL you! They’re going to FRY YOUR BONES! They’re going to CHOP YOU UP into HANDY BITE-SIZED PIECES! OH, YOU ARE SO COMPLETELY FREAKING SCREWED! Still, at least it wasn’t those giant spiders. That would have been awful!"
Lavros: Such male-pattern baldness. So different from the Doctor I once knew.
Shadow Architect: Time Lords are the stuff of legend. They belong in the myths and whispers of the Higher Species. You cannot possibly exist!
Doctor: Yeah... more to the point, I’ve got a missing city.
Shadow Architect: Then, you’re not as wise as the stories would say. If you didn’t want to talk about being a Time Lord, why did you bring it up?
Dustbins: SONST WERDEN WIR SIE EXTERMINIEREN! SIE SIND JETZT EIN GEFANGENER DE DUSTBINS!
German: Bloody tourists.
Ianto: Screw you, you ugly trashcan fuck!
Doctor: They’ve got us! Power’s gone! Some kind of chronon loop...
Donna: But we’re safe, aren’t we? Nothing can get inside the TARDIS!
Doctor: Dustbins can.
Rose: But you told me "nothing can get through those doors"!
Doctor: Dustbins can.
Jack: But you’ve got the Surfboard of Rassilon working as a force field! Nothing can override that!
Doctor: Dustbins can!
Jack: They didn’t last time!
Doctor: Look, you irritating anthropoids, all the other times we’ve faced the Dustbins they were scavengers, hybrids, or incredibly pathetic, suicidal, insane gameshow contestants! This is a fully-fledged Dustbin Empire, at the height of their powers - experts at fighting TARDISes! They can do anything! Right now, those flimsy bits of plywood acting as doors really ARE just flimsy bits of plywood!
Jenny: So you’ve been lying to us all this time to give us a false sense of security? You son of a bitch!
Doctor: Shut up, Jenny. I didn’t ASK for you to be born!
Dustbin Raph: MY NAME IN INGO MONTOYA... PREPARE TO DIEEEEE!!!
Jack: Brilliant! Who’s the fine bit of boy action, by the way?
Sarah: ...he’s my son.
Sarah: And he’s 14.
Jack: Do I look like the sort of time travelling omni-sexual who cares about age? I remember one time with this 5-year-old girl and I...
[Ed Note: THE REST OF THIS DIALOGUE EXCERPT HAS BEEN REMOVED UNTIL THE IMPARTIAL INQUIRY INTO THE "PEDOPHILE AGENDA OF YELLOW STICKY FLUIDS" CASE IS DEALT WITH]
Lavros: It begins! Finally, we will achieve all I have ever wanted. Peace. Everlasting peace.
Doctor: Once it’s complete the Dustbins will kill you, Lavros – they despise you for being flesh. Oooh, you will be exterminated.
Lavros: As I said, Doctor. Peace.
Doctor: Oh, get real, Gandhi. No one fell for that the last time we met and one’s falling for it now.
Lavros: Spoil sport.
Jenny: What happened to you? I mean, your face. Your eyes. What happened?
Lavros: Are you showing me pity?
Jenny: Not really. More sort of curious.
Lavros: Oh, but I was like you, so many years ago. Walking tall, so young and so proud on a world called Fargo. A world at war.
Jenny: Cool. Who were you fighting?
Lavros: Each other. My race, the Distbuns in perpetual battle against the Dulls. My very first memory was hiding underground with the screams of battle above. I saw the surface of the planet only once – shattered dome cities, nuclear clouds in the sky, warped cliffs. And I swore then to end it! I pledged my life to help my people tidy up this mess! I studied the soldiers, their frailty, their pain, their lack of desire to clean up after themselves. I sought to find a way to free them from the distractions of the flesh... and then I became a victim myself. Perhaps it was necessary? To inspire me?
Doctor: Except you weren’t helping those soldiers, you were experimenting on them! You experimented on your own family, twisting the evolution of the Distbun race until they became the Dusbtins!
Dustbin Raph: WE WERE BORN OUT OF BLOOD! AS PORTRAYED IN BIG FINISH’S "I, LAVROS" AVAILABLE AT ALL GOOD RETAILERS AND ONLINE!
Ricky: Man, this Crucible place has more aborted countdowns than a NASA launch party... but is there a snooker room? I think not.
Dialogue Triumphs -
Donna: Hold on, I thought the TARDIS translates alien languages.
Jenny: Yeah, but this rhino’s obviously too stupid.
(Jundoon lower guns)
Jundoon: Right, that’s it!
(Judoon pull out nightsticks and Rodney-King-style beating ensues)
Dustbin: THE DUSTBIN SUZPREME IS IN DA HOUSE!
Dustbin Suzpreme: WORD OUT YA ALL JABLONSKIS! YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED THAT WE’RE DOING NOTHING BUT SHOOTING WILDLY AND CREATING MAYHEM FOR NO READILY EXPLAINED REASON OTHER THAN FOR THE HELL OF IT. IT IS CALLED **DRAMA**!!
Doctor: I’m the one and only person who could help, but no one’s listening to me!
Alonzo: I can listen. I did last time. And you saved my life, Doctor.
Doctor: Oh yeah. It’s about a missing Welsh town...
Alonzo: I’ve had no less than 26 people ring me up today complaining that Cardiff has gone missing. Come to think of it, they were all you.
And what’s a human doing at the Shadow Proclamation Headquarters? You know you’re not supposed to bring pets, Doctor!
Donna: I’m Donna Noble. So fuck you, OK? And I want a salute. Now!
Donna: What is the Shadow Proclamation anyway?
Doctor: Police. Outer space police.
Jenny: Why would a police force would be named after what a legal document? Why aren’t they be the Shadow Proclaimers or the Order of the Shadow Proclamation or The Shadow Protectorate?
Donna: Jenny’s right. With a name like that, I was expecting all druids and cloaks and incense.
Doctor: You should meet the Brotherhood of Darkened Time.
Jenny: Who are they?
Doctor: The accountants.
Dustbin 1: IT IS SO TIRESOME WHEN THEY START FIGHTING BACK, IS IT NOT? DEAL WITH THE PRATS – ASSUME DUSTBIN ATTACK FORMATION EIGHT!
Dustbin 2: ATTACK FORMATION SEVEN IS MUCH BETTER.
Dustbin 1: ATTACK FORMATION SEVEN IS NOT AS EFFICIENT.
Dustbin 3: COMPROMISE! ATTACK FORMATION SIXTEEN!
Dustbin 2: YOU ARE USELESS AT PICKING ATTACK FORMATIONS!
Dustbin 3: NO I AM NOT! YOU ARE!
Dustbin 2: FUCK YOU, BITCH!
(Dustbin 2 exterminates Dustbin 3)
Dustbin 1: YOU HAVE ISSUES, DUDE.
Lavros: Can you imagine? I had one idea, an idea that has never stopped rolling out across the centuries! I have slept, and woken, and died and every time I appear in the series, there they are. My Dustbins. Outlasting eternity. And all from one man.
Doctor: Oh, but every time you open your eyes, Lavros, there’s me.
Lavros: That IS something of a downer, I admit.
Donna: You can hug me if you want, Jack.
Donna: No, seriously. Hug me.
Jack: Oh...all right.
Donna: Ooh, haven’t you got big manly biceps? ...MARRY ME!!
Jack: Anything for a ginga.
Sylvia: I warned you, dad!
Wilfred: Bullshit! Did you say, "But dad, clearly they will be able to magically boil any paint off their squeegee, thus leaving them free to clean anything they please and rendering the exercise futile!" NO YOU FUCKING WELL DID NOT!
Martha: It’s the Dustbins! They’re still alive! Not just Dustbin Raph! All the others died and there was only one left!
Rose: Oh, we’ve all been there, love.
Jack: Hello? Gwen? Ianto? It’s me! Yeah, sorry about leaving you alone to face a fleet of Dustbins wreaking more devastation on Cardiff than Charlotte Church on a night out to wet the baby’s head, but things got wild. Oh? I took the only Dustbin-killing gun with me? I had no idea of that development. But it all worked out well. You didn’t end up dead like Tosh or Owen, did you? Of course not! So, you forgive me, right? Hello? Hello? Bastards hung on me!
UnQuotable Quote -
Dustbin: THE HUMAN SPRING CLEAN WILL COMMENCE!
Links and References -
This is actually a crossover between Doctor Who (after "Wrong Turn"), The Sarah Jane Misadventures (after "The Lost Snotaran"), Touchwood (after "Hard-On Collision") and The K9 Exploitation (just before "The Last Oak Tree in England? A Clue: No!"). You might miss that aspect of the story as it’s also simultaneously a sequel to every single episode of the RTD era, not to mention some really embarrassing classic era stories AND Big Finish plots.
Not a lot of people know that.
Untelevised Misadventures -
The Doctor, Donna and Jenny reminisce about their adventures in the 2009 Doctor Who Storybook on sale now at all specialist outlets assuming all the rabid fans haven’t bought all the copies first.
Groovy DVD Extras -
The cut scenes of Sally Sparrow and Larry Nightingale teaming up with Hustle team to form a resistance movement against the Dustbins. They’re all exterminated in three minutes flat but it turns out a cunning back-up-plan by Mickey Briggs saves the day and makes them all rich.
The Spite of Sparacus -
"And so it continues! Potentially great episodes being spoiled by gadfly pacing and dialogue spat out at the rate of machine-gun bullets. This story had so many things going on that it cried out for slow development, at least over six months. The appearance of Lavros was rushed in and some of Dustbin Raph and the Doctor’s dialogue was spoken too fast to be heard. EVERYTHING’S GOING TOO FAST! I’m not trusting that dealer again, I can tell you1 This story should have used to fill the whole season! Lavros is a character that cries out for subtlety and chilling, understated sexual tension. His first appearance should have been a cliffhanger like every single other fucking story he has been in - and there should been at least 43 minutes straight of dark ethical discussions with the Doctor about trees! And THAT, bitches, THAT is why this story is not up to the standard of Genocide of the Dustbins! For one thing, Billie Piper – what was wrong with her? She looked like she’d rather be elsewhere! For another, it seems to be far too easy to wipe out the Dustbins! You can only do that so often before they lose their fear element completely, and this time it didn’t even make sense! Nothing makes sense! EVERYTHING IS TOO FAST! TOOOO FAAAAST! YOU’RE MAKING ME GIDDY! NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!!!!"
Viewer Quotes -
"'You and who’s army' is right, bitches! I was so hoping Rose would die, screaming in agony." - LightHope of the SCADs (2009)
"This was the television equivalent of the Holocaust. The Dustbins should have killed absolutely everyone and Doctor Who ended, replaced with a docudrama about what happened to the Clone Lavros between Touchwood and the Temporal Difference of Opinion. I reckon he got into psy-trance, grew dreadlocks, boshed a load of pills and went travelling around Asia. Lavros – The Gap Year Adventures! Try and tell me THAT wouldn’t be a ratings winner? Or maybe getting Dustbin Raph his own late night chat show to replace Jonathan Ross? Dustbin Raph’s Showbix Predictions With Celebrity Fashion Hints for the New Season? An Astrology Column in Heat Magazine while dispensing baffling advice to readers sexual problems! You know it makes sense!"
- Russell Brand (2009)
"I keep telling you, David Tennant has LEFT the show! All that stuff about him being in the Christmas special, even the location footage with him there, is all a fake! Donna is really Romana after she used the Chameleon Arch to turn herself into Catherine Tate! Or maybe she’s a regenerated Lucie Miller? And Martha and Rose will definitely die!"
- Some fan before the final episode was shown (2008)
"I have it on relatively good authority, that the Eternals are involved. Prepare yourselves." - A Compulsive Liar (2007)
"WHO SAID THAT? Who said it was an outer-space Facebook? Step forward! Was it you, Dr. Jones? Or you, Mr. Jones? Or you Mr. Smith? Or YOU Ms Smith? Or the young Master Smith? Or Dr. Smith? No, that would be ridiculous... Anyway, I do believe if it was Facebook there'd be a photo of Captain Jack, with nothing interesting written underneath and a selection of quizzes underneath to see if you have the same taste in movies. And lots of confusing rules about 'writing on walls'. And it would be rubbish, basically."
- Jared "No Nickname" Hansen (2009)
"Oh, yes, I bet you’re going to call me gullible in a week’s time for claiming that it is entirely plausible for the BBC to mount a massively expensive fake film shoot in full costume for a non-existent episode simply to avoid spoilers for this one story while they smuggle Keely Hawes in front of a blue screen in a carpet bag. But you’ll be laughing the other side of your face when Keely flashes the Daleks Lucie Miller-style next week. Oh, yes!" - Lawrence Miles (2007)
"I just watched Erection of the Dustbins, and damn does it seem so much better than Journey Till Dawn! The Dustbins are deadlier, Davison is much more dramatic and serious, the storyline is much more coherent, Lytton is like a breath of air, creepy Alien-esque incidental music as opposed to a syrupy imitation movie grade schamltz fest and a sad, moving ending for a companion that has nothing to do with annoying family members and no false hyping up of a companion leaving! If RTD has proved one thing with his latest story for me its Eric Saward could write a Dustbin story 10 times better than he ever could!"
- Eric Saward the Vampire Monkey on Speed (2008)
"By the end of the first episode, Earth has been thoroughly conquered! Can you name any old-Who story to do that? Earth being conquered is a measurement of quality in the United States, you know. Or have I got Doctor Who confused with foreign policy again?" - Jonathan Blum (2008)
"The Doctor MUST hate Rose – she went to work for Torchwood, who are a bunch of ruthless right-wing bastards, with the morals of alley cats. Then again, everyone the Doctor has had as a companion in Nu Who has ended up working for a military, or quasi-military organization. Now, that’s a really interesting idea, in that it could be implied that RTD is saying that the Doctor Who universe cannot survive outside of a Manichean mindset. so what? Who cares? I don’t anymore."
- Nala "Nyder" Snevets (2008)
"SHUT UP, YOU TEDIOUS BASTARD!" - everyone else (2008)
"That’s him, in the night, Doctor Who. He travels in the TARDIS, the telephone box of time. Fan-TAS-tic, innit? The inside’s much bigger than the outside, but that’s the mystery of Doctor Who. The enemy is named Lavros, the captain of the Dustbins. He is half-Dustbin, half-man... incredible! He wants to rule the world, always to rule the world. Wakes up in the morning; wants to rule the world. After breakfast; wants to rule the world. After lunch; he wants to rule the world. But he will never rule the world! Because it’s not a very realistic long term goal... With the Dustbins, the Doctor is superior. 'Exterminate! Exterminate again! Oh no! He’s the Woo!'. The Doctor wins, he smiles and laughs because he’s Dr Who!"
- Bill Bailey (translated from the original 1960s Belgian)
"Stop ringing me you Whovian bastards!" – the guy who actually owns the mobile with the number everyone rings in this story (2009)