Serial TTN-1 – Freak Encounter
An Alternate Program Guide by Ewen Campion Clarke
From An Entry In The EC Unauthorized Guide O' Last Straws Breaking
"YOA's Discontinuity Guides - Inaccurate But Caring."
Serial TTN-1 – Freak Encounter -
The TARDIS has been stolen by a strange being resembling Patterson Joseph in the traditional fashion nightmare worn by the Time Lords of Gallifrey for press conferences. Once alone in his stolen time machine, the evil man peels off his suddenly-unconvincing Foamasi flesh mask and Time Lord regalia to reveal...
RORSCHACH FROM "WATCHMEN"!
Alas, the TARDIS is as likely to arrive on Gallifrey as much as Gateshead, and so fetches up in Cardiff once more. As the alien wrestles with controls and babbles about how soon control over time and space will soon be his, a familiar shambling figure shambles with familiarity through the police box doors.
"The most obvious of felicitations to ye, shipmate," slurs the drunken pirate, aiming a loaded pistol at the alien. "Might I ask why you’ve parked on top of my nifty invisible lift to an underground base? My Egg McMuffins will be getting cold... hang on. This IS the TARDIS, isn’t it?" he notes, peering blearily around the control chamber.
"The TARDIS is mine!" shouts the alien.
"The BBC will have something to say about that, savvy?" belches the newcomer. "And where’s the Doctor anyway?"
"Er... I am the Doctor," the alien extemporizes unconvincingly.
"You didn’t do that contractual renewal thing, did you?" boggles the pirate, quietly being sick over the safety railings. "I must say, Doctor, that new form of yours is a bit... blue. Which is kind of hot. Works for me! I love the hat. And what’s up with your arm anyway?"
"Oh this old thing? It’s a neural probe that paralyzes my prey."
"Ah, so you finally dropped all that no weapons pacifism crap!" laughs the pirate. "Good on ya, Doctor! We can go on gun rampages together! You and me, mate, good things are gonna happen!"
"Now THAT is fascinating," he slurs. "Coz if I know the Doctor, I know he can’t stand me being aboard his vessel. Can’t imagine why, but I’m fairly certain because I get more buxom wenches then what he does! So... who the hell are you REALLY?"
The alien laughs diabolically. "My name is Lentils from the planet Annatopia!" it reveals, aiming its weird gun/arm thing at the intruder. "With the TARDIS under my command, I shall wreak havoc across the cosmos, trading in arms!"
The newcomer blinks a lot. "You’re gonna sell weapons?"
"No, not that sort of arms trader! I literally trade in arms, legs, limbs and organs! I even do the occasional spine!"
"Ah. Bodysnatching. Savvy."
"I’m a not bodysnatcher! Are bodysnatchers unionized? A clue: no! I am a registered body part relocation manager! I work with organ donors across the cosmos, and I know that you, Captain Jack Sparrow, have 'donated' quite a few 'organs' in your time!"
"Have... we met before?" shrugs the Touchwood regular.
"Don’t pretend, Jack!" snaps the alien. "Remember that party on Alpha Sintauri?! That threesome we had with those suspicious-looking aliens? You gave me a whole pamphlet’s worse of venereal diseases that night!"
"Pah! I recall your exact words were 'Safe sex? Bullshit!'"
"I WAS DRUNK!"
"So was I."
"YOU’RE ALWAYS DRUNK!"
"That’s... true. But I’m not letting you nick the TARDIS, mate. I’m not letting you cause chaos across the time streams and manipulating the tapestry of history to your own end!" the pirate vows. "Cause if ANYONE’S going to be doing that... it’s going to be ME!"
"I’ll paralyze you and take your brain!" warns the alien.
"Get out or I’ll shoot!" warns the pirate, raising his gun.
"I’ll shoot first!"
"I’m warning you!"
"I’M warning YOU!"
"You’ll die, Lentils!!"
"YOU’LL die, Captain Jack!! Die NOW! And die FOREVER!!!"
Just at that moment the police box doors create over a spikey-haired Scotsman in a pinstripe suit enters, followed by two fly-headed alien Tritovores in boiler suits.
"Jings, John!" snaps David Tennant. "This IS a take, you know! We’re doing the Easter special! What the hell are you two doing on the set?"
Hastily, the pirate and the alien hide their weapons. "I was, er, just showing a friend of mine around the TARDIS," John Barrowman explains hastily, indicating the blue alien, who gives a little wave.
"My name is Lentils!" booms the alien.
"It’s Tim," Barrowman explains with a forced grin.
"I am from the planet Annatopia!" the alien tells David Tennant.
"Stoke on Trent," Barrowman explains.
"John? HOW many times do I have to say it!" demands TV’s Doctor Who. "**MY** TARDIS. Mine. Say sorry!"
"Sorry," chorus the duo, wandering off set.
"I’m watching you two," vows Tennant, before doing that dignified sniff thing that he does, before rehearsing the last scene of 'Escape to Danger on the Planet in Space Cutaway!'.
"He’s so cool," marvels the alien as they leave.
"I know," the pirate sighs in agreement. "I love him. Anyway, listen, where were we?" He aims his gun at the alien. "I’M GONNA GET YOU, EVIL LENTILS!!"
"I’M GONNA GET YOU, CAPTAIN JACK!!"
"OH YEAH!" retorts the pirate, making 'bang-bang!' noises as the duo start running around the corridors outside the corridor, miming a very intricate and detailed gunfight.
"Oh yeah! I’m immortal!"
"Zap-zap! I won’t give up!"
And people still wonder why Eccleston quit...
Book(s)/Other Related –
Doctor Who Watches The Watchmen Infinity Crisis Crossover Wars
The 2009 Doctor Who Special DVD Box Set Extras (under "Outtakes")
Behind the Scenes of Doctor Who (not suitable for family audiences)
Fluffs – David Tennant seemed to be sick of this story.
"I bet ye do this when everyone else has gone home like, don’t you, ya sad wee ponce ye!" mutters one of the Tritovores in the background.
WHAT DO YOU BLOODY RECKON?!?
Fashion Victims -
Lentils’ neon pink glowing stockings he wears over his hands.
This entire scene "destabilizes the universal reintegrated canonicity" according to Ian Levine.
Dialogue Disasters -
None applicable here, as this is real live footage and no one actually wrote it.
Dialogue Triumphs -
See above, gormless.
UnQuotable Quote -
Are you even paying attention?
Links and References -
Captain Jack seems to have had a threesome with Alpha Sintauri from the Jon Pertwee Paddington stories, so we now know there’s been at least ONE occasion where Jack wasn’t the biggest prick in the room.
Untelevised Misadventures -
Tragically, this WASN’T one of them.
Groovy DVD Extras -
Doctor Who Confidential tries to justify how some random guy John Barrowman knew was able to get on set, stuff up filming and then screen the entire thing on "Tonight’s The Night".
Psychotic Nostalgia -
"I think I hate Tim now."
Viewer Quotes -
"Ah, the ebullient Captain Jack Bannerman, played by John Harkness stars in yet ANOTHER trendy, slick, fast-paced visual spectacular relying more on extravagant special effects and celebrity guest stars than plot content which will leave any and all traditionalists expecting decent 1970s-style Doctor Who to be in for a shock! It’s as bad as those bloody awful original novels published by Virgin that so alienated myself and found favor with those new devotees so grounded in over-elaborate-American-sci-fi they don’t know that TRUE Doctor Who ended in 1977!! As I have said since 2005, it remains to be seen how much longer this vastly different version of 'Who' will last."
- Gabriel "RTD is an abomination against all mankind" Chase (2009)
"My God, this is mind numbing shit. The best bit was where the audience laughed over half the dialogue. I suppose doing this kind of show is the reason John Barrowman is rich and famous and I’m not..."
- Nev Fountain (2009)
"It was good, and strangely moving, hearing DT, so close to his
end as the Doctor, say 'My Tardis. Mine.' It brought a slight, tiny tear to my eye, knowing that the end is coming. Oh GOD! David’s 'dignified sniff' thing makes me wail like a soul in torment! DON’T LEAVE, DAVID! PLEASE! DON’T SEND US BACK TO THE DARKNESS! STAY ONE MORE YEAR!"
- Average Fangirl Response (2009)
"I notice that UNLIKE Afterlife, Time Crush or Prom of the Grinch, this episode has had almost no advance publicity and nobody seems to be looking forward to it with any enthusiasm. I doubt it’s really worth sitting through Tonight’s The Night to see, as it is unlikely to feature Ben Chatham. I shall NOT be watching MORE THAN TWICE!"
- Sparacus "Flamingo" Jones (2009)
"Oh, so Barrowman thinks RTD is the godfather of Doctor Who, does he? Well, LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING..."
- Sydney Newman via ouiji board (2010)
"They mentioned my hometown Stoke on Trent! JOYGASM!"
- some dude who lives in Stoke on Trent presumably (2009)
"You can’t fire guns inside the TARDIS! What about the State of Temporal Grace as mentioned in 1976?! That does it. Freak Encounter is not canon, no matter how much money is spent on it! Indeed, what IS the canon-GBP exchange rate these days? I think it’s two canons to a penny-farthing, but I could be wrong..." - Ewen Campion-Clarke (2009)
David Tennant Speaks!
"What’s depressing is that Tim bloke was actually a better actor than most of the people working at BBC Wales. He made it look very easy. We actors spend all our time trying to convince people our job is very hard to impress people and make them go to bed with us. Wee blue bastard ruined everything, pretty much. I quit!"
John Barrowman Speaks!
"You know, they said if I ever screen any more of my behind the scenes antics on TV, they’ll cancel Touchwood immediately! I mean, like they think I would somehow NOT want that the happen! HAHAH!"
Tim Ingham Speaks!
"Not only should guinea pigs and other small, furry and generally useless animals be cut up for the benefit of us, their lords and masters, but they should also be filleted and sautéed in a nice Merlot! And appearing in Doctor Who was very nice, too."
"I don’t mind Freak Encounter, because it should surprise the audience with what weird shit John Barrowman gets up to on set, because, you know, what he does freaks me out every single day. I’ve been working here for about six years now and it’s still amazing to see what that man does when he should be working. I saw him forcing a sheep in a bondage mask face down into the Dustbin prop just this morning. Why? I couldn’t tell you. I couldn’t tell you because I don’t know. I don’t WANT to know. Or that time he got hold of Nick Briggs’ ring modulator and spent fourteen hours doing Miss Slocum impressions through it..."
The strange noise that John Barrowman and his buddy Tim Ingham make is supposed to be Murray Gold’s "All The Strange, Strange Creatures" as background music. Not a lot of people know that.
Rumors & Facts -
Furious at his failure to get the part of the Eleventh Doctor, Patterson Joseph took his revenge out on all of Doctor Who by ruining the end of the 2008 Christmas Special, The Michaelmas Imposter. Joseph had taken matters into his own hands so the story now ended with him, in full Time Lord regalia, stealing the TARDIS and marooning the Doctor in Victorian Cardiff.
RTD had been forced to substantial rewrite to the following Easter special, Escape to Danger on the Planet in Space Cutaway!, to explain how the hell the Doctor was able to get from a hot air balloon in 1851 to a London double-decker bus in 2010. But worse he had to reveal WHO THE HELL was the black guy dressed as a Time Lord who stole the TARDIS in the first place.
RTD considered many possibilities – the spirit of the soon-to-be-born Eleventh Doctor; the regenerated Bastard; the return of the meddling monk; Adam Mitchell... but finally decided that he was sick of having to continually rewrite his final material for Doctor Who because Patterson bleeding Joseph was too crap to be the main star. Instead, he decided to use one of the outtakes for Escape to Danger on the Planet in Space Cutaway! where David Tennant discovered John Barrowman and his latest boytoy mucking about on the TARDIS set and reveal that Joseph’s character was that very same boytoy.
Since such a scene would demolish the fourth wall and then defecate all over the loose bricks and mortar, RTD knew that any fans who wanted to see what happened to the 'Patterson Joseph steals the TARDIS plot' would discover that the entire show was a fake and then vanish in a puff of logic, uncanonizing Joseph’s character even more than if he hadn’t appeared in the show at all!
The big gay Welshman laughed last and laughed loudest! But not laughed campest, as John Barrowman was present and his girlish giggling simply has no equal on this Earth.
The original intention was for this scene to be shown in the pre-credit sequence for the next special, The Water-Fights of Mars, but Barrowman thought it was so cool he stole the footage and screened on Tonight’s The Night (yet another talent-based TV show in Barrowman’s ever-growing light entertainment empire threatening to swallow all of British television). As such, the sixth episode of Tonight’s The Night was the most high-rated in history, as millions of fans sat, slack-jawed as David Tennant threw a temper tantrum in front of two human-sized flies and Rorschach from "Watchmen" about Barrowman shagging people on the TARDIS set when the lights go out.
Fans everywhere started hemorrhaging on the spot, while those still left alive struggled to try and retcon this mother into submission. Soon fan fics began to appear revealing this scene was actually a plot for Touchwood (though sometimes for The Sarah-Jane Misadventures) with Captain Jack Sparrow bravely trying to prevent the stolen TARDIS falling into the hands... or hand... of the evil alien Lentils, before the whole thing turns out to be a really freaky dream in the mind of Ben Elton.
Eventually someone came up with the idea of just pretending it never happened and everyone lived happily ever after as long as they weren’t actually dead.
Many people assume that Tim/Lentils is actually Tim Minchin, but actually it could not be him as after the last time he encountered John Barrowman there is an exclusion order between the pair of them, allowing Minchin the freedom require to compose songs for David Tennant to continue his baffling desire to sing in every episode, even demented outtakes like this one...
"Captain Jack Is Very Unprofessional" by the BBC Wales Drama Dept.
You burden me with your presence
Even though you’ve got your own show!
You’re always larking and mucking about
But don’t listen when I say "NO!"
You say to me I’m not much fun
But when I am, I’m a fool
After three series I’ve realized
You’re just a drunken tool!
The lines you say...
Your adlibs just give you away!
The scenes you wreck!
You burden me with your cameos
By upstaging me more than mine
You can’t even let me do a song
That will easily rhyme...
The lines you say...
Your adlibs just give you away!
The scenes you wreck!
You’re SO UNBELIEVABLE!!