Wednesday, February 3, 2010

10th Doctor - Planet of the Ood (ii)

Book(s)/Other Related -
Doctor Who Versus Zoidberg (Canada Only)
All Humans Are Bastards Sci-Fi Anthology
"Don’t Fuck With An Ood And Other Helpful Hints" by Johan Redsen

Fluffs - David Tennant seemed oddly feral in this story.

"Percy, you wouldn’t know what a brain looked like even if you coughed one up into your hands... Jings. I stand corrected."

"No, David! Bigger! Act BIGGER! I want to SMELL your acting coming through the screen! And you too, Cath, so STOP UNDERPLAYING IT!"

Goofs –
When Percy first goes to Warehouse 15, Percy urinates onto the Ood Brain. For a laugh. If that’s not so wrong it’s a goof than what the hell is?!
The Doctor finds it inconceivable that a species could have evolved to be subservient, and is much happier with the idea they evolved to have two brains which are united by a physically separate, unprotected giant brain. Bullshit! OK, he turns out to be right this time, but COME ON!
Why would you try and sell the Ood on the grounds of their reliability and trustworthiness and then condition them to act like Homer Simpson?! If you saw Homer Simpson at a vital sales conference, you’d run a bloody mile and don’t pretend you wouldn’t!
Percy declares the Ood-Sphere an alcohol free zone and then creates a free bar in the hospitality suite? That’s a glaring mistake! Are we supposed to think these people are hypocritical scum who flaunt their own rules and regulations for monetary gain? ...hang on...
The "Police Public Call Box" sign on the TARDIS reads "HE WILL KNOCK 4 TIMES BITCH" when seen from within the time machine.
Ood Sigma is seen wearing Groucho Marx glasses and moustache in long shots for absolutely no reason understood by god or man.
Why the hell do OO use three-armed claws on oblong containers? It’s completely the wrong design! In fact, it looks like the claws are designed to attack people and the company try and justify the expense of a ridiculous torture device by making it shift containers on weekends.
When the Ood rise up and rebel against humanity, one of them starts break-dancing for no apparent reason.
There is snow on the underside of the gantries, so either the Ood-Sphere has weird anti-gravity magnetic ice, or the people with the snow spray got WAY too carried away.
When the Doctor and Donna are running, Graeme Garden can be seen running beside them shouting directions and motivations for that scene.
Percy seemingly thinks he is six years old, having either forgotten to carry the OTHER 50 years or else is claiming to be a minor for tax reasons. Either explanation works, really.
At one point an Ood puts his hands on the frozen railing and can be seen throughout the rest of the episode struggling to get free.
Why are all the time bombs able to be deactivated from just ONE of them?
The Ood that dies in the snow can clearly be seen reading the June edition of "Touchwood XXX-Illustrated" after it has died.
When the Doctor and Donna are leaping to avoid the barrels that are exploding behind them, you can clearly see this is actually stock footage from the opening credits of "Funky Squad".

Fashion Victims –
It seems that everyone in 4126 gets their suits from the Tailor-Sphere.

Technobbable -
Donna speculates the Ood can turn their translator spheres into deadly weapons by using "REALLY foul language particles".

Dialogue Disasters -

Donna: If those globe things are lethal, why do they give them to the Ood? It’s just asking for trouble, that is.
Doctor: Well, that’s blind prejudice, isn’t it, Donna? They think the Ood are mindless, subservient slaves – the humans wouldn’t have considered the possibility they’d ever rebel, let alone use such dangerous objects as weapons.
Donna: Blimey. The 42nd Century is full of retards, innit?
Doctor: You should see the 51st Century. Now THAT is when they redefine the term "redneck"...

Sonala: If your Ood is happy, then you will be happy. For what is an Ood but a reflection of ourselves? Make an Ood happy today and give it a home for only 75 credits! Now available in five different mood-eye colours - normal, green, blue, purple and pink!'

Doctor: Are you traveling the universe to find a husband?
Donna: You got a problem with that, skinny boy?

Dialogue Triumphs -

Donna: A great big empire, built on slavery.
Doctor: It’s not so different from your time.
Donna: Oi! I haven't got slaves!
Doctor: Who d’you think made your clothes?
Donna: Is that why you travel round with a human at your side? It's not so you can show them the wonders of the universe, it’s so you can take cheap shots!
Doctor: Well, that AND the sex...

After Percy rips his fake head off -
Donna: Is this Scooby Doo? Are we, like, meddling kids?
Doctor: We ARE meddling kids!

Doctor: Well, my work here is done.
Donna: What are you talking about? You didn’t do anything!
Doctor: Oh didn’t I...?
Donna: No. You didn’t.
Doctor: [thinks] Jings! You’re right! I didn’t do a THING! We could totally have skipped this and things would have sorted themselves out EXACTLY THE SAME WAY! What a total waste of a Sunday...

Ood Sigma: I fear that your song must end soon.
Doctor: What? What do you mean?
Ood Sigma: Every song must end. In the end, everything turns to dust.
Doctor: [rolls eyes] Speak for yourself, Squid Boy!

UnQuotable Quote -
Donna: The Ood are going to teabag us by touching us with their balls!

Links and References -
"I remember I said to Chatterbean once, 'Never count your cephalopod hive minds until they’ve revolted! Hmm! Yes, quite so!'"
"And why did you say that?"
"No idea. I WAS taking a lot of drugs back then, though."

Untelevised Misadventures -
The Ninth Doctor and Rose helped defeat the Cloverfield monster with a banana after the Hammerdown Protocol failed on Manhattan.

Groovy DVD Extras -
The ultimate extra since you, the consumer, can now buy a 100% genuine Ood for your home! Order it to make it a cup of tea, and its only question is, "How many sugars?" BBC Entertain brings you a whole new world of luxury, drawing on 45 minutes of experience! Naturally obedient and polite, Ood make the PERFECT servants! No refunds, though.

[BBC Enterprises would like to stress that Ood turning rabid and attacking people don’t happen as often as certain prime time dramas may suggest and that RTD is a dangerous extremist whose comments about the BBC’s perfectly respectable and ethical use of slave labor should, quite frankly, be ignored.]

The Spite of Sparacus -
"This was a very good episode and do you know why? Because it was like something Jon Pertwee would be in, that’s why! There was the return to the strong ethical dimension which didn’t shirk from exposing and condemning the human capacity for exploiting and enslaving, believable rather than dogmatic. But mainly I was able to delude myself for moments that it was 1973 and no organized fandom existed to contradict my dreams of an all-male UNIT force wiping the common oiks from the cultured face of the Earth... happy times. Happy times."

Viewer Quotes -

"This lightweight toss couldn’t be complex if it tried! Oooh, evil businessman! Fuck off! I could complain about the writing, but what’s the point? There are no great TV writers in drama. RTD thinks like a director (spit) not a playwright! Doctor Who should be TELEVISED THEATRE!! HIGH CULTURE for the good of the COMMON MAN, not this CONSUMER AGE SOCIETY ELITISM SHITE! You think Desperate Housewives is the height of sophistication? FUCK YOU THEN! Why don’t you evil subhuman vermin buy my unerringly useful Doctor Who guidebooks?!? You should all be IMMEDIATELY KILLED! ESPECIALLY YOU, MOFFAT!" - Mad Larry (anytime)

"I’m just a soul who feels sorry for the Ood, oh lord, please don’t let me be misunderst-Ood!" - Claire Hooper (2010)

"See the galactic 'triangle trade' of Ood shipment, mirroring the trade between Europe, Africa and the America during the 15th to 19th centuries! That’s what I love about science fiction – it’s the perfect excuse to force the middle classes to explain to their children the horrors of slavery and how ugly and inhumane the African slave trade was and that there’s no humane, efficient or harmless way to subjugate a race. Go on! I dare you! Tell them about the commerce of black bodies! Have fun trying to keep the respect of your kids, you fucking snobs!"
- Andrew Beeblebrox (2009)

"This low-rent Jim Careyesque Tenth Doctor is the most annoying incarnation ever! Unflattering, unpleasant, unlikable, SO in love with the sound of his own voice, so insecure, so shallow, so astoundingly immature and juvenile... I AM EMBARRASSED TO WATCH! This is my childhood hero who’s being written as such a silly, childish unpleasant person! How can I look myself in the eye, knowing I’m a fan of this stupid ranting idiot sans any kind of dignity! Oh, RTD, why do you ruin my life with your trendy popular hero preconception? I mean, if Eccleston was still the Doctor, DAMN THAT WOULD BE GOOD! I HATE YOU ALL!"
- random fan who committed suicide the day Tennant quit (2007)

"I wish Mary Whitehouse was alive so she could watch this and die screaming. Assuming she’d not still be in shock from all that naked Captain Jack action in The Parting of the Legs."
- Eve Markson (2008)

"Um, you know the guy that fell down into the giant brain when Percy shouted 'INTO THE BRAIN, SCUM QUEEN!'? Is he okay? Brains are kind of soft, aren’t they? I thought maybe the brain might have been nice to him and helped him because he’s a good guy and he was trying to help it. Is he an Ood now? Or is he brain food? Or brain dead? Is the brain itself OK? I wouldn’t like having a man inside MY brain. I asked Daddy why the Doctor didn’t save him, and Daddy says it’s because sometimes Dr Who is a complete prick." - Average 7-year-old response (2008)

"Fucking hell... they can change the translator settings for the Ood! Am I the only one repulsed by this? That’s the only method the aliens can communicate by, and the owners can change the voices for a bit of a laugh? ...why the hell is mankind still alive? WE DESERVE TO DIE!"
- Katy January feeling a bit depressed (2008)

David Tennant Speaks!
"Even on set, you find yourself staring at these creatures because they don’t LOOK like somebody in a mask, it looks like something alive. Alive and seductive! Ood Sigma’s animatronic head is incredible, the way it twitches and winks at you, the shameless flirt! Oh, you gotta love the Ood! They’re so SQUEEZABLE! You just want to bite them!

Uncontrollable Oodophilia is something just beyond our understand, something that fascinates and slightly terrifies people but I am in this, as with all things, an innovator. People think it’s disturbing how kinky I can get around them, and even Russell suggested I get some therapy... but I just don’t care! Oh yeah, you dirty little tentacled sluts! BRING ON THE SEX, MY ARMY OF ALIEN SQUID BITCHES!!!"

Catherine Tate Speaks!
"David’s alien-tentacle-rape-uncooked-sausage-meat fetish IS a bit worrying... I think the Ood are lovely, but I just don’t want to have a massive orgy with the props. Does that make me frigid? I don’t think so. I mean, the Ood have this great juxtaposition of appearance and personality, they look alarming and yet are benign. But they’re NOT sexy, no matter what David Tennant tells you in between shagging all of the stunt coordinators."

Russell T Davies Speaks!
"I was surprised at how dark this story was. We’re very careful about violence because it’s more fun that way. But who would have thought a story about the slave trade, lobotomies, rabies, mass-execution by gassing, machine-gun-death-squads, electrocution and brutal murder could end up so grim? It all looks so jolly when it happens in Drawn Together, doesn’t it? And Donna is lovely in it, it’s arguably the strongest story for Donna since the previous one. And the next one. In fact, this whole series is one big blazing performance without equal. Apart from that one time in 2006. Yeah, I think Donna’s totally great, so? You wanna make something of it Aussie boy?"

Trivia –
Sir Lawrence Olivier was considered for the role of "Ood Dying In Snow", but Olivier’s agent turned down the part on the grounds his client was dead. RTD, miffed by the refusal, has made it his personal mission to ensure that Olivier never works for BBC Wales again.

Rumors & Facts –

For some unaccountable reason the general public didn’t like Planet of the Odd. Is it because the audience have suddenly lost the ability to comprehend stories NOT set in the gravel pits and forests of Cardiff? Is it because the production team constantly worried that these alien worlds won’t be magical enough? Were the themes of greed, abuse and exploitation too uncomfortable for family viewing?

Or was it simply because Planet of the Odd was total crap?

Back in 2006, RTD came up with the idea of a race of aliens called the Ood, a servitor race that looked like Zoidberg from Futurama and eschewed the usual habits of trying to conquer the universe, preferring instead to make people cups of tea and clean lavatories. These aliens would be incredibly cheap to costume as they simply needed tracksuits and a live squid super-glued to the actor’s face.

The fact this was clearly ripped off the Serve-You-Rights from the 1964 serial by the same name and RTD hadn’t done a solitary iota of original thought would not be discovered until he penned his tell-all autobiography "The Welshman’s Tale".

Unfortunately, even THIS would be beyond the program’s budget for the year and so the Ood could not be used in the story RTD wanted to introduce them in, Matthew Jones’ The Santa Tip. Instead, they used the Slitheen and everyone told off RTD for reusing his previous, much more crap ideas. Well, everyone NOT ogling the giant-breasted alien space bimbos squeezing their way through ventilation ducts.

RTD was one stubborn mofo, however, and vowed to use the Ood in the following year’s 47 by Chris Chibnall. The story would show the Ood falling not under the sinister influence of Santa Claus, but getting heatstroke from a sentient sun and going on a killing rampage. However, it was decided that the cast of Robin Hood could make a better dramatic contrast. Any sane person would have taken this as concrete evidence that the Ood were a completely rubbish idea, but surely by now it has been established RTD is NOT any sane person.

Finally, in 2008, RTD was determined to have a story that would not only introduce the Ood but make them instantly popular with the production team and public alike, in an epic mid-season two parter where the Doctor searches around some cave for two episodes, occasionally asking the Ood if they’re related to Cthulu. Eventually, RTD was convinced that the storyline would work much better if it was not overcomplicated – plus ONE episode of squid-faced janitors would be hard enough for the show to live down, let alone two!

RTD offered this trimmed-down storyline to Keith Temple, who was the poor schmuck chosen to write the damned thing. Temple would much rather work on Children’s Ward, Casualty, Byker Grove, EastEnders and Emmerdale, but RTD insisted that Temple, being a life-long Doctor Who fan, should jump at the chance to write for the show. Temple’s reply (that he’d never actually watched the show but, when pressed, mumbled that it "didn’t sound too bad") cut no ice with Big Russell.

With Donna Noble chosen to be the new companion, a somber and serious story was required to undermine all the fan bitching about her being "too farcical" to merit being a companion, even though they’d swallowed such ridiculous characters as Captain Jack, Arthur the Horse and K9 without a complaint. Thus, Planet of the Odd had to become so psychotically grim it made 28 Days Later look like Toy Story 3.

RTD wanted the adventure to be set on an ice planet ruled by Santa Claus, who had so memorably been portrayed as an eldritch abomination in The Santa Tip, now using the Ood as cheap manual labor "ever since those damned elves got unionized!" But, in the end, however, RTD discovered that injecting coffee directly into his eyeballs was no substitute for simply drinking the stuff, and went to sleep for six months.

Some semblance of logic and reason returned to production, give or take RTD’s horrific screaming nightmares that Rose Tyler and Martha Jones were chasing him and wanting to "cure" his sexuality. He spent the rest of the production block hiding in a cardboard box, singing Scissor Sisters to himself and holding a fire axe.

Regular producer and occasional mad scientist Graeme Garden was chosen to be the director on the grounds no one else was dumb enough to try and make gripping drama out of people with live octopi stuck to their faces. The producer would be Susie Liggat, who is the most boring person in the history of everything ever and there’s nothing funny to say about her except she took over from Phil Collinson, who suddenly needed to be in Italy while this complete disaster was filmed.

Recording for Planet Of The Odd began on August 21st, with two days at the Upper Boat Studios capturing David Tennant, who had developed a truly disturbing sexual fetish about cephalopods. He can be seen dry-humping one of the Ood in the background of the adverts at the start of the episodes, which is also Tennant’s facebook profile photo.

Filming the episode now needed to take place in the St Athan RAF hangar on Barry Island, where Tennant was unable to go due to a nasty incident during the recording of The Michaelmas Evasion two years prior, involving the paparazzi, the make-up lady, heatstroke and an artificial hand. Cast and crew remained there for the rest of the month, terrified a lust-crazed Tennant might be lying in wait for them if they tried to film the surface of the Ood-Sphere in Trefil Quarry.

Some say it was during this difficult and tense period that BBC Wales decided that David Tennant was getting too much hassle and it was time to hire a replacement, before Tennant’s successful image distorted the very nature of the program and lazy writers became dependant on a clever, dynamic, popular and sexy central character.

Some say the shining and beatific countenance of Boy David needed to be disposed of before it became irreplaceable and any such Eleventh Doctor would result in the show collapsing immediately and the next actor being remembered in years to come as "The One Nobody Likes to Talk About".

Some say the BBC thought that David Tennant needed to go simply because his name was "too exotic" for audiences to tolerate and they wanted a a lead with a more British name that Middle England could accept like "Matt Smith" or "Chiwetel Ejiofor".

Some say it was all an evil plot by Tom Baker who was jealous of David Tennant’s rising popularity making him a major celebrity and national sex-symbol (though it’s possible he was actually getting Tennant confused with David Beckham – hey, Posh has done it enough times...)

Other people say it was a complete coincidence and anyone who disagrees is a paranoid schizophrenic who hides a tinfoil hat under their unconvincing toupees. Or answers to the name "Lawrence Miles".

What everyone agreed was that the only thing that could save Doctor Who from ruin was a Year Five Billion One Thousand And Eighteen story called "Goat Journey", a new assistant Janey Gillian played by Michelle Ryan and a space rocket en route to the Bondjames Nebula being filled with a mysterious Gelth-like gas causing people to fall asleep and dream about Liv Tyler, Sheridan Smith and Pierce Brosnan!

But we got this instead, complete with David Tennant’s baffling desire to sing in every episode as he communes with the gestalt mental network of the distant Ood-Sphere...

"Kill the Humans Already!" by Ood Rocker Kylie Fans!

Riding on the mental wave, there is the freedom you crave!
They don't believe it now? They just think you’re stupid!
You can do anything anyone could have done!
Who would've cared at all? Not you!

Rise up against the oppressors! Killing them’s good enough!
Who would've thought it of a species like YOU?!
Just the TARDIS brought me round
Centuries after they brought you down
Roundabout and roundabout! Who wants to spare anyone?

Once again mankind has failed the grade
And somehow a telepathic connection is made!
I don’t understand how the last card was played...
But somehow a telepathic connection is made!

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