An Alternate Program Guide by Ewen Campion Clarke
From An Entry In The EC Unauthorized Guide O' Twits
"YOA's Discontinuity Guides - Inaccurate But Caring."
Serial Twattersode – The Jedward Nightmare -
This unhappy bubble of anal wind in the bathtub of the Whoniverse has slipped most people by. Lucky them. I, however, was not so lucky and thus transcribe all six minutes and two seconds of the damn thing, so that all readers will be able to share my suffering!
(Theme music begins.)
Announcer from Sapphire & Steel: DOCTAH HOO!!!!
Christian: Oh, it’s a good job the bed is here in the AbsoluteRadio Zoo! I’m getting so stressed about John and Edward doing Queen on this weekend’s "X Factor" that it’s putting me off being the host of the Christian O’Connell Show.
Doctor: [suspicious] Very natural delivery you have there, Christian...
(A strange swirling noise.)
Christian: MY WORD! The TARDIS has landed on this bed!
Doctor: [to himself] That wasn’t the TARDIS... Sorry? That wasn’t the TARDIS sound effect, you nicked that from Romp with the Rani from 1987... OH!! I’ve landed – I’m not staying in character though, this crap doesn’t deserve it.
Christian: HOW DARE YOU, YOU COWARD?! CHARLATAN!
Doctor: Oh look! I’ve landed on a crappy old bed and narrowly famous DJ - did YOU write this? - well, mildly-known DJ Christian O’Connell! What’s wrong, Christian? Your brow is furrowed!
Christian: Oh, Jedward are going to ruin Queen on "X Factor" this weekend! Rumors are out there that they’re going to do Radio Gaga! Give us a way to stop them!
Doctor: I could help you there. The Bastard is the force behind this!
Christian: ...what? SIMON COWELL?!
Doctor: [pained sigh] No. John Simm.
Christian: He CAN’T BE!! He’s currently appearing in "Speaking in Tongues" at the Duke of York Theatre until the 12th of December!
Doctor: [bored] Trust me, I’ll end this.
Christian: But you CAN’T DO THIS ON YOUR OWN! You’ll need help! I KNOW! Take Martin, AbsoluteRadio’s long-serving Jamaican security guard!
Martin: Ahm sexier dan Billie Pipah and dat Freema put tagetha!
Doctor: [impressed] ...that’s very good! Very good!
Christian: Let’s just CHECK on the Gallifrey TRAVEL before we GO!
Irish Girl: There’s a broken-down spaceship on your exit for Uranus.
(Loooooooooooooooong pause. Crickets chirp.)
Christian: A cheeky Uranus gag there - doesn’t hurt anybody, does it, to keep it going? That’s the kids turning off, crying "Mummy, what’s a...?" And lets the RADAR WEATHER FOR THE GALAXY!!
Newsreader: We’re expecting a meteor shower at lunchtime today.
Christian: I can also get Eddie the Sports Guy to find out how Gallifrey Athletics got...
Doctor: [interrupts] Where is he, anyway?!
Christian: Go on with the script and you’ll understand the joke.
Doctor: Oh. OK.
Christian: I can also get Eddie our Sports Guy to find out how Gallifrey Athletic got on last night.
Doctor: Don’t bother. We must go. We’ve only got 140 seconds to play with!
(The silly noise from "Romp with the Rani" again.)
Doctor: You morons actually think that sound effect is the TARDIS?!
Christian: IT **IS** THE TARDIS!!
Doctor: That’s not a TARDIS!
Christian: YOU DARE DOUBT MY PROFESSIONALISM, SAH?!
Martin: It’s a toilet flushing!
Doctor: Yeah, a toilet flushing in a portaloo!!
Martin: So it’s perfect for dis.
Doctor: Well said, Martin. You’re a keeper. Anyway. Ah, AH!
Doctor: ...OK. Here I am, at the Bastard’s swinging bachelor pad! Jings! He’s so evil he can be a happily married husband AND a swinging bachelor simultaneously! Morning, Lucie Bleeding Miller!
Lucie: Ello, Doctor! Oo are these ponces you’re travelling with this week?
Bastard: [depressed] Oh Lucie, don’t let him in!
Doctor: Oh, John, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry mate. I’m so sorry to have got you caught up in this...
(The Bastard can be heard sobbing.)
Lucie: Do I get an apology too?
Doctor: Yeah, why the hell not? Sorry, Sheridan.
Lucie: Ah, I’ve had lower ebbs in me career. Though I’m not alone in that, eh, Christian?
Christian: Piss off you malignant whore.
Doctor: You’re being very brave, John...
Bastard: [weeping] You SAID you were being a DJ, you dirty liar!!
Doctor: I’m going to be, honest! And YOU said you were currently appearing in "Speaking in Tongues" at the Duke of York Theater until the 12th of December!
Bastard: ...I am. [happy] Book now to avoid disappointment, kids!
Lucie: Can we get on with this? I don’t like the way that DJ’s stroking his nipples while looking at me.
Doctor: Oh, I thought he was doing that at ME.
Martin: No, ee does dat to evrayone, Daktah.
Bastard & Lucie & Doctor: Ewwww.
Bastard: However! However... hang on a sec... in between performances of "Speaking in Tongues" at the Duke of York Theater until the 12th of December I am plotting the downfall of the Cowell Empire!
Bastard: By masterminding Jedward!
(The Bastard laughs diabolically.)
Doctor: Very good diabolic laughter. Ahem. Not any longer, you’re not! Martin! Take him out!
Martin: Take dat.
Christian: LITTLE bit late there, Richie... You nodding off there? A little slack!
Doctor: Wow, you’re good. One punch and it’s over. What a script...
(Four cheesy punch sound effects.)
Doctor: Oh, wow, there we go!
Martin: Yeah, dere we go!
Doctor: SEVERAL punches and then it’s all over. What an improvement.
Lucie: (spooky) He will knock you out four times!
Bastard: Not now, dear, it’s just sounding pretentious.
Christian: Hang on, Martin! LINE!
Martin: It had to be.
Doctor: What did?
Lucie: I dunno, I think he’s trying to justify resolving the plot by beating people up. What a message to send to the children.
Bastard: Lucie, my sweet, be honest - no children listen to shite like AbsoluteRadio. No one listens to it at all...
Christian: GET THEM OUT OF HERE! THEY’RE UNDERMINING MY GREAT WORK!
Lucie: [hurt] Yeah, well, fuck you, Christian.
Bastard: We have innumerably better things to do. Like appear in "Speaking in Tongues" at the Duke of York Theater until the 12th of December. Come Lucie, what’s done is done! Don’t you wanna feel what I wanna feel, baby?
Bastard & Lucie: Embracing! The thought of tasting! Our minds are a labyrinth! Our hearts are racing!
Martin: We are runnin out av tarm. We have to get Christie-yan back to de studio before he starts da next song.
Doctor: [sighs] Let’s go then.
(Another silly sound effect.)
Doctor: Oh, jings...
Christian: IT IS **NOT** A TOILET SOUND EFFECT! OKAY??
(The noise ends.)
Christian: That’s better. WOWSERS! THAT WAS QUICK! IS IT ALL DONE? HAVE YOU ENDED THE JEDWARD NIGHTMARE?!
Doctor: Jings, Christian, you WERE there at the time, remember?
Martin: He’s always like dis, da stupid twat.
Doctor: Don’t worry, those freaky-haired twins won’t be bothering your weekends ever again.
Christian: THAT’S GREAT NEWS! And can you do ONE MORE THING before you GO?!
Doctor: This is going to be about giving Danny Minogue another facial expression isn’t it?
Doctor: Well, you empty-headed disc jockey, I’m great mates with her sister and I’m not going to get on the wrong side of her by dissing her easily-forgotten sibling live over the airwaves. I mean, there’s no one listening bar some poor sod in Dulwich Hill Australia, but it’s the principle that counts.
Ewen: Yeah! Fight the machine, Doctor!
Doctor: Ewen, please, this is embarrassing enough.
Ewen: I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.
Doctor: Don’t take the piss out of me, ya wee hippie! Off with you!
Christian: But you MUST SAY THE PUNCHLINE!!!
Doctor: [sighs] I’m. Not. A. Miracle. Worker. HAPPY?
(Ridiculous canned laughter begins.)
Announcer from Sapphire & Steel: YOU’VE BEEN LISTENING TO THE FIRST EVER DOCTOR WHO TWATTERSODE STARRING DAVID TENNANT AS THE DOCTOR, JOHN SIMMS AS THE BASTARD...
Doctor: I’m sorry, John!
Lucie: See ya at Christmas, Davey boy! Gimme love to Paul!
Doctor: Will do!
Announcer from Sapphire & Steel: ...SHERIDAN SMITH AS THE ANTHROPOMORPHIC DUCK, CHRISTIAN O’DONNELL AS THE TALENTLESS CRETIN ON THE RADIO, MARTIN DAJAN AS THE UNDERPAID SECURITY GUARD, MAGGIE DOYLE AS THE TRAVEL BIRD THAT DID THE URANUS JOKE AND ANDREW BAILEY AS THE ANNOUNCER FROM SAPPHIRE & STEEL!
(Another silly sound effect.)
All: Switch that fucking thing off!!
Book(s)/Other Related –
Dr Who & The Twitter of the Bastard
Absolut Who (Russian editions only)
When Very Boring DJs Go Slightly Peculiar
Fluffs – David Tennant seemed to finally snap during this story.
...well, Tennant considers the whole thing the biggest mistake of his career so anything else would be pretty much redundant, wouldn’t it?
Fashion Victims -
Watching the video feed reveals the entire cast were forced, sometimes at gunpoint, to appear naked during the recording of episode. So, yeah, we’re ALL victims this time.
A "psycho-field neural perception filtration overdrive" is what makes organized fandom completely forget this exists. Presumably David Tennant and John Simms had it set up to erase the humiliation they experienced appearing in it?
Dialogue Disasters -
It’s a judgement call.
Dialogue Triumphs -
Your mileage may vary.
UnQuotable Quote -
Lucie: We ARE getting paid for this, right?
Links and References -
The Bastard asks after Jenny, specifically if she’s in a long-term relationship at the moment as Lucie fancied a threesome and the idea of banging the Doctor’s ex-companion and his daughter simultaneously "amused him". Both Lucie and the Doctor feel this is "fucking disturbing", even from the Bastard.
Untelevised Misadventures -
Once again, I myself turn out to be a semi-canonical companion. But I haven’t joined the military, been abandoned in a pocket universe, had my memory wiped or just out-and-out died horribly.
Groovy DVD Extras -
This IS a groovy DVD extra. If you can find it. But don’t bother.
The Spite of Sparacus -
"These specials are the last Doctor Who RTD will produce, surely he should use them to go out on a high and show the very best of what he can do, like the brilliant piece of taut, scary, thought-provoking and challenging writing rather than the bombastic and rather silly populist, lightweight comedic pap that I hate. RTD shouldn’t CARE what mass audiences want and focus on things that I personally find interesting and remind me of 1975 when Doctor Who reached its quality peak. What is wrong with wanting the show to abandon thirty years of social development and the desires of contemporary casual viewers? Lightweight comedy is NOT proper Doctor Who! Tom Baker is not PART of the series because I say so! I HAVE A DEGREE!!!"
Viewer Quotes -
"Shit! He’s onto us! Quickly, to Brazil!"
- John and Edward (2009)
"You SURE this actually happened, Ewen? Outside your head, I mean?"
- Cameron J Mason (2010)
"Jedward would be brilliant in Doctor Who! They could play identical twin clones of Adric and then be forced at gunpoint to bugger each other live on TV while reciting dialogue from the Twin Double-D Lemma! My name? Um. Yellow Sticky Fluid!"
- Joshua Wynne-Cunt (2009)
"I could never buy that bed. Chris O’Connell has lain in it."
- Numerous fangirls on eBay (2010)
"It’s so funny! Wait, did I say "funny"? I meant... pathetic."
- the cast of The OC (2009)
David Tennant Speaks!
"I tried to face it like a man, this skit, this sketch, this... whatever! Call it what you will; it’s a career-ender."
Chris O’Connell Speaks!
"That bed was ridiculously small for a big guy like Dave Tennant – especially for fifteen years of fun! He says there were never more than two people on it at the same time when things got frisky, but I don’t buy it! If that bed could talk it would moan, 'Oooh, David' with ecstasy and there’s no denying it. I’m not obsessed with Tennant’s sex-life, though. I treat EVERYONE like this."
"Don’t look at me, Skippy, I had NOTHING to do with this!"
This really happened. I didn’t make it up.
Rumors & Facts -
Having finished recording every last possible scene as Doctor Who, David Tennant immediately began a new career path of being an incredibly sexy and popular DJ. Unfortunately, the first radio station he got a job at was absoluteradio.co.uk, renowned for being edgy. And by "edgy" I mean crap. Stan Zemanak wouldn’t waste his time with those losers.
The first day on the job, Tennant decided to kill two birds with one stone and sell his 15-year-old wrought iron bed complete with 2005 Dustbin bedspread to the highest bidder for charity. Fellow DJ Christian O’Connell offered to publicize the whole thing for free using his inaccurately named "zoo room" in return for a favor.
It was something Tennant should never have agreed to.
O’Connell demanded in return that his radio show get all the publicity, and he would use it to channel his passionate hatred of the Jedward Twins on The X Factor.
It was O’Connell’s idea to do a live radio episode simultaneously podcast on the radio website, and also using a script composed entirely by the subnormal freaks on Twitter. He bullied and blackmailed Tennant into getting his co-stars Sheridan Smith and John Simm involved, and then demanded they all get naked, climb into the bed and then record the episode with no rehearsal whatsoever.
Thankfully the police arrived within ten minutes and O’Connell is now safely locked up and lobotomized in a Home for the Terminally Bewildered and being drip-fed industrial tranquilizers. He is no longer a threat to innocent people and David Tennant now runs a far more popular and professional radio interview show.
Well, he DID. Until he got bored, quit and fled to Chicago.
Watching the live footage of the episode actually makes the whole thing make even LESS sense than it did on audio! Even with the disturbing bit about all the actors recording naked it in the same bed, there’s weirdness like:
- Chris Moyles running in front of the camera and snapping a microphone stand over his knee while dressed as a nun;David Tennant to continue his baffling desire to sing in every episode, if only to drone out the inappropriate sound effect of the TARDIS taking off in lieu of theme music...
- John Simm idly carving his initials into the wall with a working laser screwdriver prop;
- a group of clearly-drunk extras dressed as Autons stumbling into the room and falling unconscious to the floor;
- Sheridan Smith playing on her drum kit using only her breasts;
- David Tennant openly weeping as he flipped ahead in the script;
- Martin Dajan’s unmentioned ability to levitate, meaning he was flying around the room while acting (which admittedly explains his slightly distracted performance);
- the narrator throwing glass bottles at Christian O’Connell every time he spoke;
- and, of course, the hoards of Oompa-Loompas in the background.
"The Career Beyond" by Those Who Must Suffer Christian O’Connell.
"I can mime this at the start -
Easy peasy for two hearts!"
Said I, as I read the script
Then I twigged I’d been tricked!
One day I’ll forget this trial
And think of radio without bile
Start once again as a DJ
So much humiliation in only one day!
Every man must, soon or late,
Knock four times at the Gate:
When we weigh in - you and I -
How can career better die?
On this sunlit steeple chase
Out of time and lost in space
Mocking X Factor and Simon Cowell
It’s enough to make you howl!
"Special guest star?" I’m so sorry, mate!
At the time, all seemed straight -
Didn’t know the plan of that sod
Our only hope now is the mercy of God!
Carve in stone above my head
Words that old twat Christian said:
"Fame he sought, and fame he found,
In that AbsoluteRadio sound!"