Thursday, February 4, 2010

10th Doctor - Journey's End (vi)

David Tennant Speaks!
"The Doctor’s in quite a dark place now, I mean compared to the last three season finales it’s quite a downbeat denouement. It’s so epic in its scale, yet domestic in its tragedy. No mucking about with Big Brother or Cyberman/Dustbin pandimensional war this time. The whole universe is under threat, the stakes are as high as it is possible for stakes to be... Only a true madman would attempt something that huge, and it takes a genius like RTD to screw it up in such an innovative way. God, I miss Catherine. She did Donna so, so brilliant, so affecting and funny and sad and I’m tempted to quit. I’ve had a consistently really good time over the three years I’ve been here, but it’s just I’ve had a consistently BETTER time with Georgie Moffet in bedrooms afterwards. I’ve sparred with Lavros, the last big Doctor Who monster. I’ve had em all, done em all, beat em all... sorry, thinking of Georgie again."

Catherine Tate Speaks!
"I think it’s brilliant in its conception, actually, because the tragedy is that she remains unchanged by it, by her travels with the Doctor. After all that, she doesn’t have her memories. Donna dies in a way, blissfully unaware of all these wonderful adventures. It’s so painful. Not many shows can you get run over and lie dead in the road and look back and think of THAT as a happier ending than the one you got."

Freema Agyeman Speaks!
"Christ this is a lot better than being in Touchwood. What a pack of miserable buggers the lot of them. And the main characters weren’t much better. I like to think that there will be more for Martha Jones after this, because Doctor Who has been one of the biggest experience of my life, both in terms of my career and in terms of how it has ruined my life over the last two years. I dare say a great many people will want me to be Martha, perhaps for strip clubs... typical."

Billie Piper Speaks!
"I think I bothered to think about Freema replacing me for about a day and then I just got over it and became a high-class prostitute called Hannah. I was pleased that the show was going on and that it was still successful without me, but did it have to be QUITE so bloody successful without me? Couldn’t they have gone off to Rome while I was still there? It might sound selfish, but I only do that because otherwise I would be miserable and then I’d probably have serious self-loathing and then I’d give up completely. Sometimes people are going to find the choices that I make offensive, like shacking up with a clone of David Tennant on a paradise island with all the riches of the Earth. But people are only offended because they never get the chance to do it. Hah. Suckers."

Georgia Moffet Speaks!
"I’ve done this program because I love watching it, my son loves watching it and, well, getting to work with Catherine and Freema. And getting jiggy with David has been just beyond anything that I could have wished for. He’s fantastic in bed, so why WOULDN’T I do it? Once I start getting those convention invites, I’ll start burning them. maybe then I’ll think about the enormity of what I’ve taken on. I’m not going to stay forever in this ridiculous skimpy outfit, but oddly enough whenever people hear that, it always cheers them up for some reason..."

John Barrowman Speaks!
"Being Captain Jack has changed my life. I can’t even go to the grocery store anymore. I mean, I didn’t anyway because the tomatoes always tasted funny and the asshole who ran the place overcharged, but I get people come up and asking for autographs. Mostly perverse sexual acts, but sometimes autographs. Jack’s lust for people is different. He fancies the Doctor, but would never say it because the Doctor would make his life a living hell. Ianto would be good for sex but not conversation and Gwen would be just wrong. But Martha. Oh yeah. Martha, Jack likes. They could come together in ways that Tosh and Owen never could. Especially now they’re both dead and decomposing. But, yeah, I’d whop it out for Sarah Jane Smith. I’d whop it out for the Virgin Mary. Sometimes you just gotta forget about the automatic criminal record you’re going to get and just go with the flow, you know what I mean?"

Gareth David-Lloyd Speaks!
"I really enjoyed this. Which doesn’t happen often. I liked that bit where I had to sit on a desk as the Earth moved. That desk was romancing. Slut of a desk. No, I don’t get out much."

Eve Myles Speaks!
"Filming Touchwood consumes seven months of your life, you don’t see much of your friends or family, just the people you work with. It really helps that you’re playing a madwoman though, especially one retarded enough to think that any old machine gun can defeat an outer space robot person in bulletproof armor with laser beams. Gwen’s clear insanity has always had the wow factor for me, I think. Best job I ever had apart from every other one in my CV."

Penelope Wilton Speaks!
"I would do anything for Russell T Davies, especially coming back as Hellfire Jones. She’s an accurate depiction of a certain sort of English woman when they don’t take their medication, and a dying breed in a way. Especially when they don’t take their medication. I don’t mourn her demise but bloody hell it’s creepy. Dustbins are frightening because they’re so machine like, so inhuman and so innately tidy. Perhaps it’s a fear we all have that not only do we get taken over by machines, they don’t leave messes on coffee tables."

Jacqueline King Speaks!
"Seriously, can the public stop sending me death threats? The malicious know-it-all cow is exactly what Russell wrote in the script. I’m not actually LIKE that in real life. This has really got to stop. Small children spit at me as I pass. I AM NOT SYLVIA THE BITCH!!"

Bernard Cribbins Speaks!
"I’m a great admirer of David Tennant, and his truly prodigious sex life and the wonderful thing he leaves all these emotionally vulnerable young women for old pros like me to work with when he’s finished. David does all of that with bells on. Literally. You don’t want to know WHERE he hangs them from, but still, I’ve really enjoyed Doctor Who. And all who sail in her. My weakness, sailors you know. Can’t stand them."

Noel Clarke Speaks!
"I was asked back to Doctor Who a long, long time before I actually left it. I thought it was a joke, but it made sure they could sign me up and legally force me to come back. Cunning bastards. Then RTD writes it into the script that I have to join Touchwood, just at the same time both he and Chris Chibnall quit! Even though they KNEW I wanted to focus on writing and directing, they want me to spend all my time playing the Idiot of Cardiff! God, this is worse than the time Nick Briggs turned up during the filming of Adulthood and wanted me to write him into the show as a canonical Doctor..."

Camille Coduri Speaks!
"They didn’t have to twist my arm to come back. I was asked, would I consider it? Yes, are you you mad? Of course, get on the bus, let’s get back in that TARDIS. I’ve never truly left, it’ll always be in there, locked away, right in my solar plexus. Some might, less fairly, call it a benign stomach tumor, bit it’s in THERE, I tell you! You know, I want to tell you a secret: I am drunk. Absolutely pissed out of my mind. Can you tell? No, I thought not. You up for a quick shag behind the couch?"

Adjoa Andoh Speaks!
"I watch the program myself, my children watch it, my friends watch it, older friends watch it, all the wonderful actors that this country has are banging on the door to be in it and why are we attracted to it? I think it’s something to do with blonde girls with big tits blowing up Dustbins with machine guns? When the central premise is that, you’re always going to have something that people want to be in, want to work on and want to watch. Unless there’s some better porn available."

Elisabeth Sladen Speaks!
"Do you do shorthand? No? Good, me neither. But I have to pretend to when playing Sarah. Life’s a bitch and then you die."

Thomas Knight Speaks!
"I don’t think of myself as all that famous because no everyone watches the show. I can’t really use it as much of a bargaining chip or anything, which is a shame, but lucky I have my gambling racket, pornography ring and insurance fraud schemes to fall back on. I’m the third oldest of five siblings and all of them act which gets a bit... irritating. I hate it when we have to share dressing rooms. That’s... oh, I hate it. I hate it so bad. Who cares if I’m missing out on a normal childhood, no one asks a pediatrician if they were normal as a kid. I’d like to be pediatrician now I think about it. No one would ever suspect a thing. Like all the drugs I smuggle inside K9. It may be a tin dog, but it’s a pretty awesome and magical tin dog that customs are hardly ever going to have the imagination to search. My main customer is Lis Sladen, of course. She can rock it like no one else can. Once she’s taken the special blue pills and switched off the pacemaker."

John Leeson Speaks!
"This old timer is very to pick up any crumbs that come his way. Why else do you think I do Big Finish? It was a pleasure to record ALL three lines of dialogue for this latest episode. It’s a delight and surprise to me that they don’t just get Nick Briggs to do the voice like everything else. I do wish people would cast me as something other than an animal machine though. It would make a change..."

Alexander Armstrong Speaks!
"Piss off, Ewen, you sad little anorak! How dare you besmirch my sight?"

Nicholas Briggs Speaks!
"AT LAST! MY HOUR HAS COME! Being a total fan and creative genius, I have an instinct for that Doctorness and instantly had the perfect Doctor ready, which just happened to be absolutely identical to the one from the Oddly Visuals. The short fuse temper, the enthusiasm, the toothbrush-wielding, the science and exploration, the insatiable curiosity, the heroin habit, constantly swilling lakesworths of tea... but I wouldn’t dismiss Lavros in anyway apart from the fact he steals food from my mouth by hogging all the Dustbin dialogue. But now I am the New Doctor, I shall reign eternal! Entropy will claim the universe before I relinquish this role! Oh, it’s a long way since Doctor Who Weekly did their story "Bald Bloke In Back Garden Thinks He’s Dr Who Phew What A Loony", isn’t it? Oh, I shall make the show so tense even the continuity announcers will be hiding under the table! THIS IS ONLY THE BEGINNING..."

Julian Bleach Speaks!
"I wanted the return of Lavros to be a complete surprise, so it was kind of awkward when there was a whole Touchwood episode about him. The funny thing is that I actually AM creating a whole new race of cybernetic killing machines at the moment. But to say any more spoil the surprise."

Russell T Davies Speaks!
"There are all sorts of ways that you can criticize those final two episodes, as I have discovered over the last four years. So what if it’s too internalized, too full of continuity, only for the fans and unlike ANY other program ever? We’re simply doing what kids do in their imaginations all the time – they’re expert at crossovers and would nothing of having their Dalek toys battling Star Wars droids. Oh I love being so arrogant and muscle bound and full of end-of-term energy! Why not have all the faction of the Doctor Who universe going into battle together? Plus, since they’re all regular cast members, it’s actually easier to use them instead of getting newbies in to pad out the numbers. The only new bloke in this is Lavros. Now, I would have brought back Terry Molloy but he can’t fit into the Cyberloo prop anymore. And even if he had I probably wouldn’t have used him. In those old stories Lavros would always turn up, complaining about his irritable bowel syndrome and the Dustbins wouldn’t be allowed to get a word in edgeways and become simple foot soldiers, migrant cleaners there to do his dusting instead of the obsessive compulsive filthaphobes they really are! But I’ve had three years to establish their neuroses and it’s time to bring back the creator and see what happens. And this time it’s not Nigel Verkoff in fancy dress trying to look hard, it’s the REAL Lavros, the one that legends have built on in the playground because of our refusal to bring him back. Well, I HOPE legends have built up. The whole thing might go tits up otherwise... still, I don’t care, I’m not the one who has to live with the consequences, do I?"

Steven Moffat Speaks!
"It’s the season finale, two parters and there might be Dustbins in it. And possibly Lavros. Err and that’s it, I’m afraid; there’s no more spoilers from you all on the forum, that’s the last I’ve got. I don’t know what stopped you all spoiling, but I can guess. They’re coming; the Authors are coming for you. But listen: your life could depend on this: Don’t spoil. Don’t even speculate. Speculate and you’re dead. They are fast, faster than you could believe. Don’t turn your back, don’t look away, and don’t spoil! Good luck."

Trivia -
Despite the truly terrifying amounts of fanwank on display, when the Doctor remembers those who have died because of him he doesn’t think of anyone prior to the 2005 revival, not even incredibly obvious ones like Adric, Sara Kingdom, Liz Shaw, Nyssa, Katarina, Gus, Dodo, Kamelion, Peri, Evelyn, or even any of those countless regulars slaughtered in the Temporal Difference of Opinion.

Rumors & Facts –

Cor, that was reasonably epic...

...IF you ignore the fact that there is next to no plot at all in the first episode, the crowbarring of shithouse cameos, the ten-minute scene of block-solid dialogue from characters alienating the casual viewer entirely, the clumsiness of the bee arc, it is fairly tight. But then, so is the average anal sphincter.

Of course, some may comment this is a frequently nonsensical, pointless, structureless dues ex machinas unworthy of a 6-year-old’s fan fic is a testament to why RTD should never be allowed to write for Doctor Who before or since. These comments are hurtful and spiteful slander from mindless Nu Who bashers. The people who were genuinely intelligent enough to hate the story didn’t bother to comment at all!

Yet if you were disappointed by Journey till Dawn as a season finale, just be glad RTD wrote it and not the focus group, which for the last three years had been demanding an eight-episode extravaganza sometimes called Eternal Triangle, sometimes Detraction of the Dustbins, sometimes Revenge of Exxons, or simply The Temporal Difference of Opinion.

The story featured the Exxons-Snotaran-Ice-Cream-Vendor alliance drawing the Doctor back into the time war for some reason, as the Eternals resurrect Lavros in the form of Ben Kingsley, Patrick Stewart AND Terry Molloy, who in a completely random retcon it is discovered murdered the Eighth Doctor (rather than the other way round as revealed in Terri’s Firmer). The resurrected Bastard and Jenny find this disturbingly easy to believe, who in fact have been engineering the whole situation allowing the Dustbins to raise greenhouse gases to an all time high to make the subjugation of mankind piss easy.

Suddenly Donna is hit by a car and transforms into the Aracanon Leaderene, for absolutely no logical reason whatsoever, but the Bastard insists on taking credit for the whole thing.

With the Temporal Difference of Opinion annulled and the Time Lords disqualified, the Dustbins are on the loose, forcing the Doctor, Rose, Mickey, Jackie, Pete, Captain Jack, Sarah Jane, K9, Donna and Martha teaming up to blow up Gallifrey all over again in a massive Dustbin/Snotaran war... only to cause the Doctor to perish and as Sarha, Jack and Rose watch, regenerate into Mark Gatiss as the Eleventh Doctor.

But after the fiasco formally known as The Idiot Box, Gatiss was not going to be allowed near a word processor ever again – let alone play the lead role! Not even as a piss-taking "give fandom a heart attack for some cheap publicity for one week only" ploy!

RTD had been planning a 'crash and burn' story to wipe out almost anything that he had a hand in creating for years, at it really appealed to his atheist nihilistic vibe and more importantly he could resolve all the dangling plot threads in a single, lethal burst rather than spreading it over lots of other stories.

This story arc, tentatively entitled "Take Down Your Pants And Receive The Fanwank Then Go To The Shower But You’ll Never Wash Away The Guilt!" and began with Harriet Jones and Lucie Saxon teaming up to travel to the Medusa Cascade and break down the rift, unleashing a huge army of Dustbins lead by Lavros. This splintering of realities allows Rose, Jackie and Ricky to escape Irth.

Meanwhile, the Doctor, Donna and Jenny visit the WikiBox where Donna discovers her entry says she should have died during the events of The Drunken Ginger Bride. No sooner does she discover this then the Doctor and Jenny vanish out of existence, leaving Donna alone in an out-of-control TARDIS. Rose contacts the time machine and gives Donna a quick driving lesson and finally manage to sort out reality for the Doctor and Jenny to reappear – they’d been kidnapped by Lavros and Harriet Jones.

Teaming up with Sarah Jane Smith and Captain Jack, our heroes piss about for two and half episodes defeating all sorts of "what if?" monsters until Harriet and Lavros reveal that Donna is actually under the control of the Aracanon Leaderene (who is two-timing Harriet) and thus double-crosses everyone and lead to the Dustbins exterminate Wilf and Sylvia (at least 50% of this is against Donna’s will).

The Doctor knows the only reset button left to use to re-seal the Medusa Cascade which rather awkwardly requires the sacrifice of a human life. This reveals a massive black-and-white flashback to the Eighth Doctor deciding to kill his least appreciated of companions, Dr. Grace Holloway, in a controlled thermonuclear explosion which triggered his regeneration into the Ninth Doctor. When it is pointed out that this is directly contradicted on TV, the Doctor admits he’s talking crap, but someone DOES need to die to save the day.

A massive balloon debate starts as all the regular characters as they protest it can’t be them, so they decide that Donna’s the best as the audience probably hate her anyway, plus it counts as her saving the universe and throws herself out the airlock. The rift is sealed, reality is reset, the Doctor moans and bitches about feeling guilty for what happened before realizing that the reset is so complete Donna is even alive and well, but doesn’t remember any of the adventures.

So the Doctor gets to have them all over again! YAY!

While RTD rightly considered this arrant garbage, he really kind of liked the idea of an epic season finale featuring the return of countless elements and characters – which is precisely why he’d done the exact same thing every year since the series’ revival in 2005. But this time there would be MORE ex-companions, MORE monsters and finally the PROPER Lavros and not Nigel Verkoff in a wheelchair doing a very poor Scorpius-from-Farscape impersonation. He would also bring back Midshipman Alonzo Frame from The Michaelmas Cruise for many reasons, first and foremost that RTD was head over heels in lust with him.

All this and more would be crammed into the concluding story of the 2008 season, which would prove to be the final Doctor Who story produced by Phil Collinson. "Thank God," the nation is reported to have wept, "the man’s a hack!" which made RTD and Julie Gardner rather cross and to teach the nation a lesson immediately quit the next year.

Disaster struck in August, as disaster was oft to do: Billie Piper would be on her honeymoon throughout January 2008 spending her time on topless, sun-kissed beaches avoiding paparazzi and trying to be discreetly pregnant. This was a huge blow to RTD’s plans, which is probably why Piper deliberately chose the intended recording dates for Journey till Dawn to go AWOL. Furious, RTD decided to reduce Rose’s appearance to a short coda where the 10.5 Doctor visits Irth and discovers Rose has since died of renal failure and the "ungrateful slapper" will never be seen again – until Gardner just suggested they record the story in February instead, which was a lot simpler.

Getting Billie Piper, Noel Clarke, Camille Coduri, Freema Agyeman, John Barrowman, Eve Myles, Gareth David-Lloyd, Elizabeth Sladen, Tommy Knight, Alexander Armstrong, Russell Tovey, Bernard Cribbens, Adjoa Andoh, Julian Bleach, Clive Swift, Penelope Wilton, Patricia Routledge and whoever-the-hell plays K9 to appear was easy. But getting David Tennant to play TWO Tenth Doctors without a staggeringly large pay rise was the hard bit, so it was decided the Clone Doc would temporarily assume a new regenerative form. Briefly considered for the role of the Next Doctor was Daniel Radcliff, David Thewlis, John Simm (a bodyswap with the Bastard), Harry Lloyd, Rhys Ifans with Lily Allen as his assistant.

At one point they were so desperate RTD considered having the Doctor die altogether and be replaced by a Time Lady from a parallel universe where the Dustbins conquered Gallifrey and Captain Jack is sober. This Time Lady would sacrifice herself to reboot the story in a massive reset. This idea was considered quite highly until they realized they’ve pretty much used it the previous episode.

RTD suggested instead the return of the Rani, being hunted across time and space by Rose Tyler in a kinky vengeance plot. The Rani’s evil plans would conflict with Lavros, kill Rose and then nick the Doctor’s TARDIS in the epic cliffhanger ending. This lead to Julie Gardner screaming and headbutting her desk, shrieking "ENOUGH! NO MORE RETURNING CHARACTERS! PLEASE! NO MORE! I CAN’T TAKE ANY MORE!!"

Thus this and several other ideas were abandoned, including an all-out Dustbin/Snotaran war on Irth orchestrated by the resurrected Bastard, the Bilurians and the She Devils as greenhouse gases reach an all time high and the Aracanons revolt. Another casualty was that, rather than Lavros’ long-winded self-justifying origin story rant plugging a BF audio series, the story actually featured the Doctor and Donna visiting ancient Fargo and encountering Lavros when he was an autistic geek with no friends. The Doctor’s repeated attempts to throttle the jerk ultimately proved to be a wibbly-wobbly timey-wimey cause of the whole problem in the first place.

Another screaming fit from Gardner put a stop to that nonsense pretty damn quick, I can tell you. And if that didn’t, director Graeme Garden was on hand to point out that he urgently needed the scripts for the finale as they’d already started filming and no one had any clue what was going on, leading to much adlibbing. Thus, RTD worked feverishly (having contracted chicken pox at some point), and cancelled his appearance at several Royal Weddings to which he hadn’t actually been invited but intended to gatecrash with his usual flair. In this calomine-lotion-induced haze, RTD decided that, actually he didn’t really like this job and wondered if it would be easier to have everyone die halfway through the story and end the series?

Gardner screamed a lot and eventually RTD got back to work while she screamed a lot at the BBC’s Controller of Fiction to allow the episodes to be extended by ten minutes, making it the longest regular-season Doctor Who episodes ever. Pity about the content, but what can you do?

Reinvigorated by a new batch of "herbal" cigarettes, RTD completed his initial draft three minutes later, took part in a cross-country marathon, redecorated his house and then vomited continually for two days and nights.

Filming continued in and around Cardiff with lots of boring details I cannot honestly be expected to remember. The next major hurdle came when Sparacus "Flamingo" Jones insisted that - despite the face the character had never appeared in anything outside the rather sticky toilet paper Sparacus wrote his sexual fantasies on - that the completely unknown companion Ben Chatham feature in the story as "a nice nod to online fandom" as long as he wasn’t the one to die horribly at the end of the story. "There can be a scene where he chucks a glass of absinthe over Lavros!" Sparacus babbled insanely and immediately pitched a plot to Garden on the spot, even though it was in the middle of filming -

The Doctor, Donna Noble and Ben Chatham are travelling in the TARDIS when the Earth vanishes. Ben comes up with an idea of how to trace where the planet is and the Doctor ruffles his hair and everyone sings "For He’s A Jolly Good Fellow!" as Ben blushed modestly.
Meanwhile, a Dustbin invasion fleet strikes Earth. Ben slowly recites one of his poems as we see Dustbins exterminate an infant school full of innocent children. This not only creates an atmosphere of bleakness appropriate to the theme, but that kind of unflinching darkness that is the way forward for British television, teaching children about the harsh and brutal nature of existence while simultaneously offering a bit of cultural education for the younger viewer.
Finally, the TARDIS reaches Earth and Ben uses a communication device he took without permission from Touchwood to trace Rose Tyler who embraces him passionately - she still passionately loves him and wants to ravish his fabulously smoothe, honey-coated body. Even though she hasn’t actually met him before. A Dustbin turns up to exterminate the Doctor, but Ben heroically shoves the Doctor slightly. The Dustbin’s death ray misses completely, and everyone congratulates Ben on his amazing pushing skills.
However, shortly after, the Doctor is attacked by a feral gang of heroin-addicted looters who beat him to death. Even more amazingly heroically than before, Ben leaves Donna and Rose to fight over his beauty while the amateur archaeologist uses his Camp Karate skills to fend off the hideous chavs.
Alas, these commoners have brought on the regeneration, triggering the birth of the Eleventh Doctor played by Lee Williams and played exactly like Jon Pertwee when he couldn’t be arsed to act in 1972!!
Lavros and the Dustbins arrive as the wheelchair bound cripple rants away in a cheap Nazi stereotype, using the character the way he should have been rather than anything RTD could do. Suddenly, a sense of Wartime British patriotism wells up in Ben who snatches glass of absinthe from the local trendy wine bar on the Crucible and throws it over Lavros. This interferes with his life-support machine, causing him extreme discomfort and quite a lot of death.
The Dustbins capture Ben, however he heroically escapes and comes up with the key idea which saves the Earth, but kills off everyone with an XX-chromosome under a certain pay bracket, leaving the human race composed entirely of well-educated homosexual men with degrees. The new Doctor weeps in joy at this new start for sentient life, before Ben holds him close and the two start having full frontal gay sex in the middle of a field surrounded by cows beneath the light of two moons.

Before Sparacus could finish telling everyone how sensible and understated his story was with difficult resolutions building up the threat of Lavros and the Dustbins while simultaneously leaving Billie Piper dead in a gutter, he was stabbed repeatedly by Garden with a bowie knife, bundled into a bin liner and left for dead in a dumpster.

He was later found on the Isle of Wright insisting he WASN’T some weirdo madman here dreaming of world conquest while jumping up and down in a tutu and Napoleon Bonaparte hat with a finger in his ear. The natives thought him a demon, placed him in a gigantic wicker man and set it on fire.

Meanwhile, by March 21st the usual gang of idiots had finally managed to finish recording the story. This marked the end of Catherine Tate’s time as a Doctor Who regular, which depressed everyone and totally overshadowed Phil Collinson’s meek attempts to get attention after four years of selfless loyalty to Doctor Who. Apparently he’s since become the Manchunian Ambassador for BBC Drama or something. I dunno, and I definitely don’t care.

And apparently Alice Cooper had something to do with this. No idea what, but I definitely wrote his name down for SOME reason. Maybe HE was the one who did that cringeworthy fanfare as the TARDIS dragged Cardiff back to Earth? Who cares?

Ultimately, Journey till Dawn would not merely tie The Michaelmas Cruise as Doctor Who’s highest-charting broadcast episode EVER, but it was so freaking amazing even the cliffhanger appearance of Nicholas Briggs didn’t turn away normal people – indeed, it triggered a wave of fevered intrigue and early-onset swine flu to an unprecedented FIRST-PLACE FINISH!


So, as you can imagine, it was all downhill from hereon in...

Season D Round-Up –

The 2008 series of Doctor is the most consistent set of stories yet delivered by Doctor Who, which is infinitely depressing. There’s no weak link, no Serve You Rights, no TOMTIT Monster, no Powder of Droll, no Filler... because that would imply that there were really, REALLY crap stories up against otherwise brilliant ones. And that ain’t the case here, buster, much as we all wish it was.

After the amazing, brain-busting reveal that they hadn’t even been able to come up with a new companion, the season has set about with one mission: to show Russell T Davies for the compulsive lying bastard that he is. He said he didn’t want the show to be dark and depressing, that he’d never bring back Donna, Lavros or Rose, and that he wouldn’t piss away a brilliant concept like the Shadow Proclamation. Looking back, I can only wonder why we were dumb enough to fall for it.

On the bright side, Catherine Tate turned out NOT to be total shit while driving certain internet bloggers/failed novelists to contemplate suicide. Yes, you know which ones I’m talking about. Life as a sidekick can be a bitch at the best of times: whether you’re Dr Watson, Sergeant Lewis or Penfold, your job is to be patronized, to have things explained in words of one syllable, to be one step behind. Donna headbutts this premise with the same gusto as she headbutts most things, and makes Rose and Martha look like the clingy emotional wrecks that they, well, are.

In short, Donna Noble freaking rocks and after an epic story combing four different sci-fi series STILL comes out as the only character worthy of a show on her own. Imagine if that crappy Penny Carter had been in Bunglers in Crime, The Fans of Up Pompeii and Planet of the Odd. Would YOU have watched that? Let alone gone out and bought the DVD box set? You would have? Well, yeah, so would I probably but she’s the only thing not 100% complete crap in Silence of the Libraries.

Nope, didn’t expect any disagreement there either.

With a season full of comedy, drama, horror, alternative universes and ending a finale only slightly-less mind-blowing than a drunken Tom Baker knocking on your front door and asking to watch part three of The Lethal Assassin you’d have to automatically assume that all of fandom was a bunch of miserable ingrates not to embrace a thank you gift selected and packaged with love and stained with fanwank.

And you’d be damned right. The fact it IS complete bollocks is an entire side issue. There is absolutely nothing RTD could have done to end the season in such a way to make the fans happy, and by giving them every possible thing they could have wanted, makes damn sure that Steven Moffat can’t use that trick when he takes over. Unfortunately, this might mean we get some more of his "originality".

So, RTD, it seems you have the last laugh after all!

But what about David Tennant and his baffling desire to sing in every episode? Well, I’m glad you asked. This time he accompanied himself in a biological meta-crises folk duo that you will never find in another program considered broadcastable on British television!

"End of the Error" by the Three Tennant Tenors

Time is ticking! Nowhere to go!
Can’t reverse polarity of neutron flow!
Surrounded by a bunch of fools
While a mutant on a toilet calls ME a tool!
The Dustbins will destroy the universe!
I look like Nick Briggs – WHAT COULD BE WORSE?!

One step forward making two steps back!
Two-and-a-half Doctors face Dustbin attack!
No answers for no questions asked!
Is there anyone here NOT from my past?
Lining up for the execution
Or lining up for the grand illusion?

If it’s all about power
Lavros, then take control!
Try and break all the rules
But you’ll never break my soul!

Dustbins and Lavros on the offense!
They keep talking - but it makes no sense!
You say that we’re responsible?
But we aren’t! We aren’t!
We wash our hands and come out clean
Don’t care about the enemies within!
You say that we’re responsible?
But we aren’t! We aren’t! We aren’t! We aren’t!

What about Cardiff today?
What about the place that we call home?
Never been so many companions
And we’ve never been... so alone...


will return in

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