Book(s)/Other Related -
Lucie Bleedin Miller In The Skybase Valium With Diamonds!
The One Where The Doctor Becomes God
The Return of the Revenge of the Curse of the Deadly Assassin of The Master (Not the One Where The Doctor Becomes that Guy from 'All Creatures,' Love, This is the New Series That You Sleep Through, Listen Just Buy It for The Kiddies, They'll Love It)
Roots – In "The Beard of Evil", it is established that the Bastard’s greatest fear is an all-powerful, godlike Doctor towering over him and laughing like a madman. Thus, the sight of the supervillain pissing his pants in mortal terror at a levitating David Tennant is, in fact, a brilliant bit of continuity rather than an incredibly cheap bit of plot resolution by a BAFTA-winning author who couldn’t be arsed.
Fluffs - David Tennant seemed lustful in this story.
"The world doesn’t end if the Bastard dances... oh, wait, yes it does!"
"The Doctor spent the whole week saying next-to-nothing and concentrating on tuning himself to the Archangel Satellite telepathic frequencies! HE’S BEEN TWIDDLING HIS KNOB FOR SEVEN DAYS STRAIGHT!!"
"Give into the donut. Don’t hate yourself!" whispers the dying Bastard
for no possible reason known by anyone on this Earth.
Why the hell did they name an episode of Doctor Who after one of those godawful American movie proposals from the 1990s? Didn’t the seven years of production hell give a clue as to how rubbish it was?
Some people would say the BIGGEST gaffe is the fact that Lust of The Time Lords was made and that the broken paradox reset button should have erased everything back to Blank, as the Steven Moffat episode was the last non-travesty produced in the season... but what the fuck would they know? Seriously?
Why does Lucie do the Birdie Dance when the Doctor is aged?
Milligan’s gun changed hands between shots, at one point becoming a half-eaten Choc Ice in long shots.
Lucie’s panties disappear in certain shots mid way through the story.
During the final confrontation with the Doctor and the Bastard on the clifftop, a man can be seen in the background selling ice creams to small children. In Welsh.
This episode contradicts the events of Touchwood: Lesbians Bearing Telepathy. Quelle surprise.
Why did the Bastard remove the safety railings from the TARDIS console room? Is it just because the Bastard, with that degree of his in Interior Design from Prydon Academy, thought it looked better and would leave a lot more room? Talk about nit-picky!
Fashion Victims -
The miniature CGI goblin Doctor’s specially-tailored pinstripe suit turns into Hulk-style rags when the Time Lord returns to normal size.
Professor Doherty reveals, "Anyone who says electricity is measured in coulombs is a damn liar – it’s measured in joules, I tell you! Joules! Like energy is measured in joules! And what is a lightning strike? Electrical energy! So it’s measured in joules! God, that niggling sciencey-type thing really bugs me!"
Dialogue Disasters –
Doctor: No, no, no, no! Stop it! This isn’t how we do things! You’re supposed to escape while I stand here impotently ranting about how I can’t bring myself to kill you even though you’re nasty and evil! We have a cosy little lecture and call it quits! You’re not supposed to die in my arms! Think of the franchise, dude! WILL SOMEONE PLEASE THINK OF THE FRANCHISE?!
Lucie: OK. I might have shot me husband, but, you know... you might try and look at it from MY point of view! HE was the one Bill-Clinton-ing with them interns! HE was the one who left the toilet seat up again! HE was the one dancing around with me underwear over his head! AND he wouldn't take the trash out! Plus, I've been stuck on this aircraft carrier all week and there isn't a single bleeding shoe shop around! I mean, I was totally justified - you know the beat of the drums? He started to fart in time with them! IN BED! While NOT cutting his toenails! OR giving me the keys to the spaceship! I mean, I could put up with him shouting "Say me name! Say me name!" when we were doing the nasty, but in the throes of passion he only went and called me "Doctor!" THERE IS ONLY SO MUCH A WOMAN CAN TAKE!
Bastard: It seems you make me feel quite childlike - you bring out something that seemed long gone, cause every time that you're around I forget to come back down! Could you be something I imagined? My definition of perfection? Every time that you're around, I forget to come back down!
Toclafane: You talk rot sir!
Lucie: He was also totally disgusting, the way he drank his coffee. And he was always going on and on about Chantho! "Her name was Chantho!" "You know who’d have the answer, Chantho" or "Chan/You’d never be gutsy to shoot me like SHE did!/Tho" And when he wasn't harping on about her, it was Jo fucking Grant as well! AND he scratched me Celine Dion CDs while eating the last of the cereal before he put the EMPTY packet BACK into the cupboard so it was muggins here who found out we were out of cereal first thing in the morning! On top of THAT, he NEVER treated my Toyota Yaris with the respect it deserved! He got off light with just being shot, if you ask me...
Doherty: Look, I know it’s sad that at least some of humanity went so completely and barkingly wrong in the head when faced with the outermost curtain of night... but the end has to come!
Toclafane: But in 100 Squillion years we’ll all be dead!
Doherty: Will we really?
Toclafane: Yes! Unless we do something about it now!
Doherty: ...so what do you suggest we do? Give up white bread? More roughage in the diet?
Toclafane: Oh fuck off!
Martha’s final scene with the Doctor –
Martha: Cause the thing is, it's like my friend Vicky, she lived with this bloke, student housing, and this bloke was called Sean. And she loved him, she did. She completely adored him. Spent all day long talking about him. He never looked at her twice...
Doctor: Is this going anywhere?
Doctor: Okay, sorry...
Martha: You know perfectly well what I’m talking about!
Doctor: Nope, really don’t. Because I’m not listening to you, Martha. And I’m not listening because you’re being so negative!
Martha: Are you trying to make me angry?!
Doctor: I can understand you’re angry – you’re disappointed in yourself because you can’t find yourself a proper bloke.
Martha: I’m not disappointed in myself, I’m disappointed in YOU!
Doctor: Oi! Don’t go on at me, Miss Pretend Doctor! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to test the temporal drives are still working...
Martha: Oh, what’s the POINT?! All right! Do you want me to leave?!
Doctor: Jings, Martha...
Martha: Fine! I’ll go! Goodbye forever! I’ll leave the TARDIS and you’ll never see me ever again ever!!
Doctor: Can you leave a bit quicker than that, please?
(Martha screams in frustration and storms out.)
Lucie: Sides, take it from me that we ladies much prefer SONIC screwdrivers. Laser ones really don’t do anything for us. And shooting him’s quicker than divorce, innit?
Dialogue Triumphs -
Martha: Why do you stay with him?
Lucie: Well, the Love Calculator says we’re a perfect match. And that’s good enough for me.
Tom Milligan: It’s people! TOCLAFANE IS PEOPLE!!
Doctor: You’re a total pratt.
Bastard: I’m not a total pratt! Don’t you--
Doctor: Everything you’ve ever done has been stupid and impractical! It’s true, isn’t it?
Bastard: Oh, don’t start all this again!
Doctor: We’re not starting anything again, "Bastard"! Whatever kind of name THAT is! Out of all the ancient and mysterious titles you could choose, you go for the one that insults your own parents and dubs you a jerk – VERY appropriate, don’t ya think? Go on then. What have you got to say for it, Lord and Master of the Earth!
Bastard: Jings, I can’t take this! This is ridiculous!
Doctor: What is ridiculous?
Bastard: **You** are a miniature goblin in a parrot cage and **I** am the supreme over-ruler of the human species and you STILL won’t shut up! You’ve fucking LOST, you ignorant madman!
Doctor: I’m not ignorant, pal, at least I chose a title that’d pull some chicks. Only Lucie Bleedin Miller is damaged enough to fancy someone with a name like yours! You’re a psychologist’s field day, you are!
Bastard: God, I hate you. You never fucking stop, do you?
Doctor: It doesn’t COMPARE to the amount EVERYONE hate YOU!
Bastard: Oh, just stop for once! You’ve got no TARDIS, no friends, no handy para-military killing force, nothing! I’ve conquered the entire world, killed over six million people and I’ve got a war fleet ready to conquer the rest of the universe – what have you got? A specially tailored suit from Saville Row Homunculus Division and last week’s newspaper lining your cage – yeah AND it’s a paper all about how **I** won the general election and became the Prime Minister of Great Britain!
Doctor: Oh, you think you’re SO bloody clever...
Bastard: I **AM** bloody clever! How many degrees have YOU got from Prydon Academy, then? NONE! Just an honorary doctorate in botany, tai chi and freehand drawing at the Gallifreyan College of the Uncertain Soldier!
Doctor: Yeah, well, I wouldn’t WANT any degrees from Prydon Academy if I had to turn out like YOU have!
Bastard: What, massively successful dictator of the solar system with a huge sexual prowess and a wife on every continent?
Doctor: How many degrees did RASSILON have from Prydon bloody Academy?
Bastard: Who cares? It was before the bloody place was built - probably none at all.
Bastard: And Rassilon was incoherent and died young and poor compared to me! Certainly didn’t become the leader of six billion homicidal floating soccer balls impervious to the physical laws of the universe who spend all day and all night worshiping him, did he? DID HE?
Doctor: Oh yeah, sure, you’re SO amazing and cool.
Bastard: YES I RUDDY FUCKING AM! I am VERY cool! And you are COMPLETELY screwed, you SMALL-MINDED, IGNORANT, UPPER-CLASS... OAF!! I AM BETTER THAN YOU AND THAT’S WHY...
Doctor: You’re have an embarrassing argument with a parrot cage instead of ruling the world?
Bastard: You can say what you like, Dobby the House Elf, but at least I passed my exams without cheating and I’m going to conquer the universe! WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY TO THAT?
Doctor: It’s sweet, really.
Doctor: You know, trying to take over the universe. You really just want to be adored, don’t you? Making up for certain, how shall we say, physical inadequacies?
Bastard: SHUT!! UP!!!
The Bastard’s final words:
"So YOU win after all... My life is all upside down!"
The blisteringly-intense domestic scenes betwixt Lucie Miller and the Bastard, demonstrating just why RTD is so damn famous while I’m just typing up these stupid entries...
Lucie: You totally ruined our wedding!
Bastard: Oh jings, Lucie! How did **I** ruin it?
Lucie: You just HAD to pick a sea lion for the best man, didn’t you? Two hundred guests we had, watching as your pal Slappy barked and smashed crockery and recited that poem of his...
Bastard: What was wrong with that poem?
Lucie: It was called "All These Northern Fuckers Are STILL Alive!", you think might have been a clue? It was SO embarrassing! Didn’t you notice how people started to leave at that point?
Bastard: No, actually, I didn’t!
Lucie: Of course you didn’t! You were pissed out of yer skull, you were, even before the party started! Before the first guests turned up you were hugging that bottle of champagne and crying!
Bastard: What ARE you complaining about? We all had a wonderful time there, the buffet was lovely!
Lucie: That would be the paper plate full of cocktail sausages you got second-hand, ya stingy git?
Bastard: Like I was going to spend money on all relatives of YOURS. I hate them all.
Lucie: Yeah, as you told them all quite a lot during the ceremony! You punched out me dad, dropped your trousers and sat in the wedding cake! And that was BEFORE I said 'I do'! The way you kept screaming when we were having our pictures taken...
Bastard: Oh, you’re just nitpicking now!
Lucie: "I’VE TAKEN DRUGS!" you kept shouting at that poor little flower girl.
Bastard: I got on great with that flower girl! Remember how she was really interested when I offered to show her my doll collection?
Lucie: How could I forget? My entire family thought I was marrying a junkie kiddie fiddler! They called the police and tried to stop the wedding!
Bastard: Who cares, Lucie? They’re all dead NOW, aren’t they?
Lucie: Yeah, the massacre of my family. Whoop-ee-do-shit!
Bastard: Why must you bring this up all the time? "The massacre" this, "the massacre" that! Petty, petty, petty. "Ever since the massacre, you’ve never taken me out!" "Ever since the massacre, you don’t desire me!" "I haven’t been able to have a proper orgasm since the massacre!" Change the flipping record, Lucie!
Lucie: Yeah, I will, mate! I will! Pity YOU can’t do the same, huh?
Bastard: Oh, you Northern duck-voiced bitch, I’m gonna get you for that!
(Suddenly a massive fist fight begins between the Bastard and Lucie, followed by great make-up sex)
UnQuotable Quote -
Doherty: The Archangel psychic network is only $4.99 per minute!
Links and References –
The Bastard not only refers to countless Pertwee tales that everyone would much rather be forgotten, he gloats that he and Shakespeare were, in fact, "MORE than just good friends". He also mentions that the She Devils were major players in the Temporal Difference of Opinion: "Whole phalanxes of them, riding their Myrkas into battle, the Dustbin armies laughing themselves to death..."
Untelevised Misadventures -
A whole week’s worth, apparently, which are detailed in painful detail in Dan Abnett’s compilation hardback novel "The Seven Day Martha Jones Marathon" with surplus material from Robert Shearman, David Roden, Simon Jowett, Steve Lockley and Paul Lewis, none of which was good enough to merit individual books on their own.
Groovy DVD Extras -
The pilot episode for the proposed relaunch of "Bastard Squad", the Bastard-oriented spin off which was so popular in the early 1980s. The episode revolves around the Bastard and Lucie Miller travelling to the year 100 Squillion to witness the wickedness and cruelty of the human race, and the futility and meaningless of existence. Adam Rickitt costars as Human-Child Cannibal #7.
The Spite of Sparacus -
"It was utterly cringeworthy, seeing the Bastard breakdancing to a pop track (spit!) – where was the sense of menace Delgado brought to such scenes, eh? And all of that piffle about the Rogue Traders was just pointless! Just one of the ridiculous elements in this dreadful story! Full of wham, bam and bombast and shows an unacceptable dumbing down of Doctor Who and that slut Martha DIDN’T DIE!! It was all populist hooking demeaning the character of the Bastard, limp characterization like that weakly-conceived piffle about the Rogue Traders so that the audience didn’t have to think too much about the wafer thin plot spiced up with Roclafane or whatever massing the sky and even-MORE-populist emotionalism aimed at viewers of low intellect who need superficial sentiment with no depth. It was like it was written just for ME!!! I enjoyed it as much as a weekend break in Morecambe in the middle of winter, though I’d never admit it – I’d feel effeminate! Everyone knows emotional intelligence means bottling up all emotion before going on a serial killing spree on Halloween! Besides, I find the cliffhangers rather weak. There are no surprises to it after I read all the spoilers. ANYONE can do a big alien invasion, but only a genius could top the idea of a Cyberman invasion with the surprise of the Dustbins! Yes, I wrote it! I wrote it all! RTD IS LYING! I AM IN CHARGE OF DOCTOR WHO!! HA! What do you mean, 'I’m arrogant'? I’m not arrogant! I’M RIGHT!"
Viewer Quotes -
"What is this Banana Splits Monkees shite? Is RTD high on amphetamines and marihuana and thinks we want multi-sequential loosely-told misadventures? Cause we damn well don’t, you illegal-drug-taking deviant! I WANT SERIOUS TELEVISION! And you give me a big, colorful, self-promotional, valueless, hollow and unsatisfying fist up the arse! You spoil EVERYTHING don’t you, you Welsh imbecile?! Barry Letts should have written this, not YOU! I’d rather watch The West Wing that this!"
- eyeofsaurus.com (2009)
"The first rule of science fiction is: you do not rewind time. The second rule of science fiction is: YOU DO NOT REWIND TIME! And I should know, I’M the one who created Faction Paradox! This leads logically to the third rule of science fiction: you don’t employ me to write it. Oh why couldn’t Dystopia be Fargo ruled by Dustbins who turned the Humans, Sycophants, Slitheen, Aracanon, Abzorbthebleedinlotofyous into creatures INCAPABLE of littering – the Toclafane, who would be a vanguard allowing LOADS of Dustbins to come down and transform Earth into their new Dustbin Umpire upgrading all the species in the world... but did they do this? Did they fuck." - Mad Larry (2007)
"I might have enjoyed it more if I hadn’t seen it the last two times he sold these Davies ex Machinas with gaping plotholes enormously obvious if you spent more than two seconds thinking about it. Meanwhile, Captain Jack was completely wasted in this story. RTD has outlived his usefulness and must be destroyed and replaced! OBEY!"
- Yellow Sticky Fluid (2008)
"Is it just me or was that a really weird thing to do to the kid from Dystopia? The little "the sky is made of diamonds" boy ends up as a grotesque deformed head with wires and metal coming out of it, and is then shot in the face. Did RTD hate working with the kid THAT MUCH!?!?"
- Charles Daniels (2008)
"RTD writes himself into a creative corner that has to be wiped clean or completely redesign the series. Even worse is the cloyingly ugly moment where everybody around the world starts screaming out 'Doctor!' in hero worship and thus allowing the CGI midget (a huge creative mistake) is Russell T Davies having a huge wank over the series and its protagonist and watching the gunk come forth." - Joe Forde (2007)
"This is a fine way to end the series on a high note. Apart from using Captain Jack as plot device, injecting the script with emotionalism, and the idea of Lucie Miller being the New Bastard – if THAT doesn’t fuck up emotional weight then what the hell does?! But one thing that astounded me was the portrayal of black people as servants aboard the Valium! To think that a genocidal maniac actually CALLED 'Bastard' could ever be a racist bigot! Oh, it made me a bit uncomfortable just watching it, especially as the wardens have banned me from TV privileges. But I’ll get them back. One day. Yes, one day..." - Ron Mallet (2008)
"Lust of the Fandom’s Hatred more like! Easily the worst of the season and possibly one of the worst Doctor Who ever written, if indeed it WAS written. My belief in the programme aches all over from the kicking it has just received. For the sake of my unborn children: WHY?!" - some guy I passed in the street (2009)
"Not so much Mozart as Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody."
- Andrew Beeblebrox’s Weekly Non-Sequitur (2007)
"What a massive pile of overkill and unwanted, mostly un-enjoyable almost-crap! The extra five minutes that people got so excited about in the States and elsewhere where the edited version was broadcast turned out to be yet ANOTHER bizarre music video with the Bastard. Aren’t we glad we got to see that on the DVD? A clue: never in a million years! I feel DIRTY in a way that might only be improved by burning so many British pop CDs! What’s wrong with RTD? Did he think that maybe we needed more sugar in our medicine? Covering up some crappy plots with some saccharine songs? Why does the Bastard love Britpop you ask? The problem is that you have to ask!! DOCTOR WHO HAS JUMPED THE SHARK! It jumped, landed on the back of, and shagged the shark purple!!"
- one of many OG idiots who don’t actually know what "jump the shark" actually refers to (2008)
"You know what I think? The Bastard’s wedding ring was, in fact, the Matrix! Yeah, the entire Gallifreyan Land of the Dead, Elysium wrapped around his very finger and transformed into Hell through psychosexual humanisation, this is what the new Time Lord empire must’ve meant. Was Davies simply too stoned to remember to tell us this, in piecing back together this child's nightmare of a disjointed pipe dream from out of his bloated Whovian entrancement, or will it all turn out to be part of the Bastard’s plan to make another Ring of Rassilon out of the Matrix, or one which would not cause it's wearer to turn to stone ? Maybe when the ring is opened, a mini Alt-Adam-Shazar-Lavros pops out looking to spread his DNA to the nearest Time Hedgehog? And, of course in order to defeat him, Romana the blue tit and her psychic hamster must chant 'Adric' over and over until time reverses and the pyjama wearing youngster appears to have an invisible pillow fight with Adam in order to entertain the Gods of Rrrrrrragnarrrrrrrock. That’s why Tom Baker has been the Bastard all along!" - Eve Markson needs more sleep (2008)
"RTD is the worst Doctor Who writer EVER! His structure-less collection of embarrassingly poorly-thought-out tedious ideas manages to spew forth a ridiculous, self-indulgent episode even MORE APPALLING than the last one he wrote! Anyone who likes this TV garbage MUST have been brainwashed by BBC hype! RTD uses big numbers, loud music, not enough fanwank, no masculinity, a Johnny-no-mates Dctor, tedious gay references, scientific inaccuracies, and writes a shoddy soap opera! In short, he has DESTROYED Doctor Who and turned it into an empty and disturbingly awful that gets massive ratings, rave reviews and makes an awful lot of money while this ill-informed garbage is creating a generation of scientific dimwits! This is A TOTAL DISASTER! RTD MUST GO! GO NOW! AND GET SOMEONE STRAIGHT NEXT TIME!"
- the folk on OG who tried to lynch Helen Raynor (2007)
"Anybody else agree that the next Bastard should be Simon Pegg? He should unregenerate or something because, in terms of being able to carry an air of insanity without it leading to a dominating character facet, Simon Pegg is ideal, and his ability to deliver an appropriate mix of evil and charisma would have shone through in this role. Plus he has a goatee." - Simon Pegg (2007)
"It seems that this episode only serves to confirm the growing feeling that the element of fantasy in Doctor Who is getting out of hand. This was one of the most far-fetched they had yet seen, most of the sample said, and, with the exception of a few who considered the ending a "bit of a let down" to a promising adventure, the remarks of those reporting also applied to the story as a whole. For many, Doctor Who is clearly something watched "for the children’s sake" rather than from personal inclination. Never one of their favourite programmes, it has deteriorated into ridiculous rubbish which can no longer be dignified with the term science-fiction, they declared. This latest adventure, with its weak storyline, was too silly for words and, in their opinion, Doctor Who has had his day."
- The Daily Bastard review for Patrick Troughton’s 1969 story The Mind Shagger, cunningly reprinted in 2007 in the hope no one would notice
"I HATE being forced to like Doctor Who! You’re all fascist creeps twisting my arm because of RTD, who fears my intellect and thoughtful, considered criticisms, the stupid queer! He wrote this episode just to make my life miserable! I bet he’s really just Eric Saward in a rubber mask, writing plotless, pointless shoot-em-ups amidst unlikable self-involved 'heroes' just to spite me! He makes the Bastard a mass-murdering yuppie reflecting the 1980s era of excess and unsatisfying consumption which SHOULD have ended in nuclear war! He then RESOLVES this plot with saccharine bullshit with the most blandest companion ever actually having the ability to turn invisible in front of monsters JUST TO RUB IT IN! He writes the Doctor as a cliquey fuckwit who wouldn’t want to know an obsessive saddo media student like me and he’d tell me straight in a mocking, sneering fashion... just like everyone else does. I JUST CAN’T CARE ANY MORE! Oh WHY couldn’t Doctor Who have ended in 1979?! THIS SHOW DOESN’T DESERVE ME WATCHING IT!!"
- Thomas Cookson (could you tell?)