Serial 113 – Attack of the Grinch
An Alternate Program Guide by Ewen Campion Clarke
From An Entry In The EC Unauthorized Guide O' Find Your Fate
"YOA's Discontinuity Guides - Inaccurate But Caring."
Serial 113 - Attack of the Grinch -
With the alien Sycophants wiped out, and Harriet "Hellfire" Jones refusing to face a vote of no-confidence without a long, drawn-out armed siege of her secret base underneath the Tower of London, the Doctor regales the Tyler household with his latest wacky adventure.
Mickey, Rose and Jackie watch on with uncomprehending horror as the Doctor gleefully describes how he created a death machine that would destroy every living thing in the solar system and allowed the Dustbin battle fleet to carpet bomb Earth to infinitesimal dust, all because he was really rude to a science geek from six years in the future.
All of this done with wild hand gestures, makeshift sound effects, and lots of smashed crockery and household furniture.
The Doctor can’t understand at how bummed out the others are at the absolute bloodbath he not only condoned but cheerfully participated in via three different incarnations of himself. He then remembers he forgot to tell them the happy ending where Rose absorbed the heart of the time vortex and dues ex machina’ed everything happily ever after.
However, while these stunted apes can just about follow the events the Doctor describes, they find his claims to have shagged Rose Tyler completely and utterly ludicrous and throw leftovers at him and call him a lying virgin.
The Doctor storms out of the Powell Estate, wiping mashed potato from his hair and muttering that the Tylers will be laughing on the other side of their faces in nine months time.
The Time Lord returns to his TARDIS and sends it hurtling through time and space to Wembley Stadium in 1979 to see an ABBA concert, but instead somehow manages to arrive in a Federation cottage in Sydney, one year in the past.
There he bumps into a drunk and ever-so-slightly stoned long-haired teenager called Ewen and offers him a trip in the TARDIS to have lots of fun and games and adventures and perhaps a side order of danger, fear, dental torture and conversion into an unfeeling killing machine?
As the Doctor shows Ewen around the TARDIS, a light on the console starts to flash and a klaxon sounds. The Doctor reveals that this is the TARDIS’s Alien Of The Week Detector, which has picked up some disturbing anomalies in the fabric of eternity itself!
The scanner tunes to the next door house, where an ordinary family are getting drunk and hurling hateful abuse at each other while the annoying brat daughter orders the family to appear in a Christmas video.
The Doctor reveals he downloaded a copy of that same video of youtube in the twenty-third century and plays it on the console DVD player in case there are any clues as to why an alien invader is using their house. Ewen is grateful for this tactic, since he passionately hates the neighbors after the man of the house turned up at the front door in his underwear, screaming obscenities that he was watching "Family Guy" too loud and ruining the property prices of the suburb.
Deciding that the Dad of the family is a hated-fueled monster from beyond the outskirts of legend, the Doctor and Ewen carefully watch the Dad’s actions of the video. Apart from getting drunk and kicking Granddad in the bollocks repeatedly, nothing strange or sinister occurs until the Mum of the family grabs him by the throat and hauls him, kicking and screaming, into the kitchen.
The Doctor finally notices that Mum’s eyes are glowing bright yellow and smacks Ewen over the head for not noticing earlier.
Just then, a green hairy creature with long spindly limbs and a bulbous stomach materializes on the dining room table and uses a hand-held taser, steals the Dad’s soul and then vanishes with a peal of deranged, psychotic laughter.
Ewen is struck dumb – he never suspected the Dad HAD a soul to steal!
The Doctor is grim: that creature is the Grinch, a legendary monster who was such an outcast and uncool he wasn’t even invited to the mutually assured retroactive genocide of the Temporal Difference of Opinion! The Grinch has a pathological hatred of Christmas after a traumatic childhood incident involving razor blades, his virginity and the school bully, and thus has decided to ruin Christmas on Earth by systematically stealing the souls of the human race.
The Grinch’s own personal TARDIS Alien Detector Of The Week Detector means he knows he’s been spotted and uses his home made time vortex manipulating teleport bracelet (which he made after he saw that incredibly complicated episode of Blue Peter) to escape.
The Doctor hops with frustration and orders Ewen to pilot the TARDIS to follow the Grinch’s trail throughout the nexus of reality. However, the drunken teenager mixes up the dimensional stabilizer, vector tracker and vortex loop and instead of following the Grinch, the TARDIS instead arrives 150 000 years in the future.
The Doctor and Ewen emerge from the time machine onto the orbiting space platform Game World – AKA K9's Kennel Club, AKA the Brands Hatch Gymkhana of the Stars – where Captain Jack Sparrow and the rest of the humans miraculously resurrected by Super-Time-Goddess Rose celebrate Christmas exchanging futuristic gifts.
Jack rushes over to the TARDIS and, explaining it was very lucky that the Time Lord was so shit at rewiring the Delta Wave that it didn’t activate all those times Jack accidentally leaned on it.
"What? Oh, what a let down!" the Doctor complains. "I was sure it would have wiped the lot of you out! I mean, er, what are you on about. I’m not the Doctor,. Cause the Doctor, see, he is shorter than me, less handsome with big ears and a leather jacket."
"Pull the other one, mate," Jack laughs. "I know all about regeneration – I met Lord Byron and Scarf Guy myself! And you blabbed the whole business to me after we cracked open that bottle of Alvarian whiskey and got sloshed. It’s you, Doctor – in the flesh. Albeit a different flesh!"
"Nope, someone else entirely. And even if I was the Doctor, Jack, the way I died was painful. I was containing the full might of the TARDIS. Just looking at her heart kills a Time Lord. In fact, it does worse. It destroys their soul. I'm afraid I may never remember. Best just to assume I’m a completely different guy entirely. See ya."
The Doctor and Ewen scramble inside the TARDIS and dematerialize, just Jack’s coat is accidentally caught in the police box doors and he fades away as well, screaming in terror.
Lynda and the others stare at the spot where he was, then go back to hardcore partying and singing "I’m Too Sexy" in honor of their fallen omnisexual hero.
Aboard the TARDIS, the Doctor bitches at Ewen’s useless driving skills and explains the Grinch fled backwards in time. Ewen wonders exactly why the Doctor was so dismissive of his former companion, who sacrificed his life for the Time Lord?
"The guy just bugs me," the Doctor sighs, setting the controls to land.
The TARDIS reappears in Victorian Wales, December 24th 1869, and the dazed Jack manages to tear himself free of the time machine, before falling over unconscious into a heap of manure.
Not knowing or even caring of Jack’s ignoble fate, the Doctor scans the street for the Grinch’s DNA trail and tells Ewen to see exactly where the Grinch is hiding. For once, Ewen actually gets it right.
Realizing the cover is blown, the Grinch leaps out of hiding from some barrels, and in the ensuing confusion and panic, he zaps a young street urchin and steals his soul.
The child’s eyes glow green and he rasps, "Are you my mummy?"
The Grinch escapes through time once more, and the Doctor sets the TARDIS in motion. Jack finally claws his way out of the horse shit to see the police box fade away like morning dew, leaving him marooned in 19th Century Cardiff.
"Well this is just fucking marvelous," Jack bitches.
The Grinch has returned to its legendary home of Mt Crumpit, and the TARDIS arrives outside the cave where the Grinch’s shielded base is kept. The Doctor decides to send Ewen out into the unspeakable danger while he stays in the warm comfort of the control room.
Muttering something about "Come back Chris Eccleston all is forgiven," Ewen emerges from the TARDIS and discovers three logic codes are required to be solved before he can gain access.
"You gotta be kidding me," Ewen wails. "Do I LOOK like Adric?"
The Doctor learns Ewen has been at the advocaat all night and can barely even see the shape-recognition and number puzzles and thus creeps out of the TARDIS, zaps the lock with the sonic screwdriver and runs back inside.
Ewen sighs and creeps into the giant cave that the Grinch has constructed, filled with cubicles containing the souls of all the Grinch’s victims – including the Urchin, the neighbors, a Bygone, Lord Lucan, Paranoid Android Cal Sparkplug, Haleoid and Paceoid, robo-Santa, Sam Tyler, the Hoix, the Seventh Doctor, the Ambassadors from the City-State of Serves You Right, a Slitheen that resembles Nicole Ritchie, and a strange being known only as "Sad Tony".
The Grinch gleefully exposits to his pet dog max that he intends to create a collective of evil pirates with all the souls of his victims downloaded into an army of Absorbent Jelly Monsters, the Grinch Griffak Gr’thaaaak and Graak Gang!
He then reveals to "Sad Tony" that he will not be part of this piratical collective, and the odd creature smashes out of its cubicle and goes on a violent rampage, smashing everything it can.
The Doctor arrives and discovers that the Grinch’s master control console has two buttons on a panel marked "OH SHIT IT’S ALL GONE WRONG!" – one will freeze conterminous time, the other will automatically restore all the souls back to their bodies.
Ewen desperately stabs one of them, only to discover he pressed the stasis button by accident and time freezes over Mt Crumpit, trapping everything except the TARDIS crew in one moment.
"Nice going," the Doctor snaps, "you just ruined Christmas and failed to prove yourself a worthy companion."
"I didn’t know I had to prove myself a worthy companion – besides, you just abandoned all the other worthy companions!" Ewen reminds him. "Besides, the button’s aren’t labeled for the love of Led Zeppelin!"
"Ah," the Doctor groans. "Good point. I guess you did okay for a first run. Maybe you’ll improve one day. Good thing is, there’s a time loop around Mt Crumpit, so we can just..."
He zaps the console with the sonic screwdriver and time re-starts and all of the Grinch’s victims’ souls are returned to their body. Except Sad Tony, who falls over in pure misery. The Grinch vows bloody revenge on the Doctor, and he and Ewen flee in the TARDIS.
As the time machine takes Ewen home, he and the Doctor check the youtube video and see Mum and Dad snap back to normal and... sit blandly on the sofa, suggesting that the family go for a brisk jog in the cold or cut their toenails, and they simply stare blankly at the girl when she begs them to do the Christmas video with her.
"Oh well, can’t win em all," the Doctor shrugs. "Sides, there’ll be plenty of other chances to deal with the Grinch. And Captain Jack. Maybe even Sad Tony. In the meantime, you saved Christmas and proved yourself worthy. Maybe if I ever need a new companion, I’ll be by to pick you up one day!"
"No chance, man," Ewen says as he leaves the TARDIS. "I think I’ll stick to Hornblower from now on. It’s a lot safer..."
The Doctor shrugs and the TARDIS dematerializes with a shout of "...and I hope you bastards at home are enjoying yourselves for a Happy Otherstide and a Merry Rassilon/Omigod/Other fest, cause I’m sure not having any fun!!"
"What base are you aiming for, Doctor?"
"Further than we've ever been before, Rose!"
"It’s the year katrillion zillion bim-bin-bim bus stop f’tang f’tang olé biscuit barrel and six and this is Earth 2.0."
"Then why is there a big sign saying 'Welcome to the Planet Coffra'?"
"Weird. Some funky text message on the handy-dandy-all-purpose-telepathic-psychic-paper... I think they want me to buy something."
"Implausible! I recognize that pop starlet with the big teeth!"
"What is it?"
"A hospital, Rose! Jings, what does it look like?"
"Rose Tyler! I almost knew it!"
"The Face of Bond has gone off his vodka martinis!"
"The Sisters are doing it for themselves."
"They exist to be sick! They’re like the Boomtown Rats!"
"Nothing but silence from the other wards! Either we’re the only ones left or there is some really good soundproofing I just never noticed."
"I’ve thought of a thousand ways to kiss you, Doctor..."
"Just before his death, the Face of Bond will impart his great secret and I’ve got 4 to 1 on it being totally cryptic and pointless."
"Shut that bloody door!"
Book(s)/Other Related -
Doctor Who Challenges Christmas Interactively!
Choose Your Own Dr Who Adventure: Changeling World
The Sarah Jane Smith Misadventures: The Grinch That Stole Sarah Jane!
Fluffs - David seemed as in this story.
There are a few scenes with no sound whatsoever. Well "Do They Know It's Christmas" by Bono is heard, but that’s hardly SOUND is it? Odd how it sounds a bit like the Doctor Who music, huh? Let’s sue em!
The first ever trip to an alien planet... is set entirely in a corridor.
The map of Victorian Cardiff looks more like a Where’s Wally picture.
Why doesn’t the Grinch just travel to prehistoric Earth and steal all the souls of the Cavemen instead of trying to steal souls in modern day Australia and Victorian Cardiff? No wonder he’s so pathetic he hasn’t featured in the canonical series...
How does the Doctor know that the Nicole Ritchie is from the Slitheen family? Is it something to do with her lips?
Fashion Victims -
Captain Jack’s ridiculous Louis XIV wig, feather boa, tuxedo jacket and fishnet stockings.
The TARDIS Alien of the Week Detector works on "Aprilfool" energy.
Dialogue Disasters -
Doctor: What do you mean, you haven’t got a sonic screwdriver? Get thee to the nearest branch of Woolworths!
Jack: A macro-mat field integrator! Great! How did you know I wanted one?
Jack: Here ya go, Lynda-with-a-Y.
Lynda: Hey, clam clamps! The next time I see a clam I’ll clamp the little sod!
Doctor: You’ve been watching my adventures and I’ve been watching some of yours.
Doctor: Yeah. Most boring waste of time ever. Had more fun switching channels.
Ewen: You wound me, man, you really do.
Dialogue Triumphs -
Doctor: Well, get out there.
Doctor: You’re the star of this show.
Ewen: Uh, no, that’d be you, Doctor Who. Not me.
Doctor: I’ll guide you from in here, with the sonic screwdriver.
Ewen: Oh, how very convenient.
Doctor: Well, I could shout. But that’d give you away. And I don’t want to get you eaten. Not at Christmas.
Ewen: Yeah, well... excuse me? EATEN? The Grinch EATS people!
Doctor: It’s not cannibalism, Ewen. You’re a completely different species.
Ewen: Yet somehow, this isn’t comforting.
Naughty Victorian Street Vendor: Come one, come all! Have some mulled wine all you dollymop whores, dipper pickpockets and butt-hunters!
Doctor: Oh, you FLUFFED it, you useless anthropoid! I know it’s early days but it’s a good thing someone is acting professionally around here. ME! God, I’ll do everything, shall I?! Maths isn’t your best subject, and I bet your poetry’s rubbish as well! Er-err! WRONG, WRONG, WRONG! Everything’s gone mango-shaped! Mangoes. Do I like mangoes? I WASN’T TALKING TO YOU, MEAT BAG! Bad luck? Don’t talk to me about bad luck you mindless, hairy visigoth! PIG’S EAR! DOG’S DINNER! RIGHT – OLD – TIZZ! And don’t say that "it’s the taking part that counts" you LOSER! YOU ARE NOT NOW NOR HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GOOD ENOUGH! BEGONE FROM MY SIGHT, YOU UNSPEAKABLY FOUL WALKING VOMIT STAIN!
Doctor: Well done, yeah-yeah-yeah, good work. Don’t big yourself up or anything. You’re nothing special. Here we go... Brilliant? Not quite. All right, Old Hawkeye, you egomaniac, show a bit of bloody humility for once in your stunted life, there’s a good fellow. Bravo, bravo. Dunno why I said that. Maybe I like opera. You feeling full of yourself enough to actually do some PROPER work, you lazy so-and-so. God, you’re a disgrace to the species, you hippie gobshite. Oh, so you were correct – you hear ME banging on about it whenever I’m right? I KNOW I DO, IT WAS A RHETORICAL QUESTION, SCUMBAG! Who cares if you’re as good at long division, er UNIVERSE TO SAVE! Oh, way-hey. Right choice. I applaud you not being more stupid than a tree frog whose had his brain removed. God, I hate smartarses like you. I should have stuck with Rose and Ricky... You were AMAZING...ly conceited little so-and-so. The TARDIS isn’t big enough for your swollen head! BEGONE FROM MY SIGHT, YOU UNSPEAKABLY FOUL WALKING VOMIT STAIN!
Daughter: Christmas is ruined, I’m going to my room!
Mum: Oh stop your foul whining, you stupid bitch – you’re not the only one in the household tonight, young madam. AND DON’T SLAM THAT FUCKING DOOR!
UnQuotable Quote -
Ewen: If you DARE say "we’re counting down" ONCE more...
Links and References -
"The last time the Alien of the Week Detector went off, the evil extra-dimensional Spillagers were fashioning the heart of their infernal palace to take the form of a school full of impressionable, hormonal teenage girls! Jings! Good thing Nyssa, Jim Morrison and I were there to save the Pollard Sisters from their evil advance scouts, uh? By the way, Ewen, Big Finish is canon. ALL OF IT!"
Untelevised Misadventures -
This story leads to Captain Jack Sparrow’s spin off series Touchwood, where he encounters four other sad acts as drunken, drug-abusing, and sexually promiscuous as he is and they generally wander around Cardiff stirring up trouble and talking dirty. Only on BBC3!
Subtext? WHAT Subtext? -
Anyone think the Grinch looks a bit like Yoda?
Groovy DVD Extras -
Mole Cam – a CGI focus of the mole between the new Doctor’s shoulder blades, interspersed with Tennant’s mole’s video diary and RTD’s discussion over the next season’s "Bad Mole" saga.
Psychotic Nostalgia -
"I was so annoyed at the "oops you've frozen everyone everywhere" revelation that I went back and played again, this time knowing all the answers. And I also visited everyone who lives in my street and slit each and every one of their throats and buried the bodies beside the canal. Bad loser? You talking to ME, boy?!"
Viewer Quotes -
"Dude, you seriously need to get a life."
- Charles Daniels (2006)
"The red button, huh? A great big threatening red button which must not under any circumstances ever be pressed? Oh, no, I shouldn’t. I mustn’t. I can’t. Oh no... I HAVE!" - Andrew Beeblebrox (2005)
"I finally got around to watching it yesterday – I didn’t PLAY the game per se - and I have to say that I thought that it was pretty bad. Stories like this make me cringe; I hope there are no more stories like this made again in future. The Grinch was a rubbish muppet on speed, what a plonker! Rubbish! It’s like it was made for kids!"
- Gabriel Chase (2005)
"I was hoping that when we were able to control the outcome that meant that I could get Rose to run around naked in the snow before having an incredible lesbian threesome with Jackie and Harriet Jones. My dreams were shattered and my Christmas ruined. Fuck the lot of you."
- Nigel Verkoff (2005)
"The thing about Attack of the Grinch is that the possible directions that the story can go in raise interesting questions about which one is canon... assuming your view on the meaning of the word "interesting" differs radically from mine!" - Dave Restal (2005)
David Tennant Speaks!
"Clever idea of mine to tell all those young children that if you watch ITV the galaxy will implode and made them all force their parents to stop watching ITV. Jings, so brilliant, you wonder why they never did it before. By the way, I've already written a sequel to this, you know! 'Revenge of the Grinch' by David McDonald Aged Thirty-Four And Three Quarters – and it is gonna be... FANTASTIC!!"
Russell T Davies Speaks!
"I still don’t get how one of the puzzles is meant to work, so I keep losing! Oh well, I wouldn’t have a clue how to write an interactive media story anyway– and I know that because my idea of having the Doctor locked in a broom cupboard solving word puzzles was rejected for not having enough monsters and spectacle, and would be a pale cousin of the transmitted show that it was supposed to match. Jesus Christ, fourteen whole episodes this year, PLUS Touchwood, PLUS the interactive game, PLUS the mobile phone episode previews, PLUS the Sarah Jane Smith spin-off... WHAT MORE DO YOU BASTARDS WANT FROM ME?! BLOOD?!"
This story proves I am canon and better than Nicholas Briggs.
Rumors & Facts -
Just in case anyone had managed to survive throughout the year of our Time Lord 2005 WITHOUT noticing the massive, explosive and gritty, leather jacket wearing insane return of Doctor Who, the BBC decided that thirteen full episodes, a Children in Need skit and an hour-long Christmas special was insufficient!
Thus, it was decided that immediately after the broadcast of The Michaelmas Evasion on Christmas Day, the audience would be bombarded with a brand new interactive mini-episode, shoving the now not-quite-as-new-as-sixty-minutes-previously Doctor, David Tennant, so far down their throats he could read the labels on their underpants.
The idea of doing a live episode with audience participation was considered briefly before the entire production team told the BBC to get fucked – no way were they going to be WORKING on Christmas Day!
Thus, the BBC Interactive TV Plus Department (or the BBCITVPD) decided to adapt one of their old 1980s educational computer games that involved logic puzzles, memory games, and graphics that often looked better when the computer was switched off. Management was absolutely certain that this was precisely what Christmas evening viewers would want to aide their digestion.
Plus, they could then change the title and sell it as an xbox game next Christmas and make ANOTHER shitload of cash out of Doctor Who! AWESOME!
After briefly considering the idea of allowing the public to control the actions of Rose and Mickey and then discarding it on the grounds they would realistically only be able to make the story a snuff movie or a porno, they realized instead the viewers would be allowed to just make choices as part of a narrative.
To write this special mini-adventure, RTD decided to pick on Gareth Roberts to write it. Roberts had been promised to write a proper new episode of Doctor Who since 2004, and had churned out five Ninth Doctor comic strips, two Ninth Doctor annual stories and a full-length Ninth Doctor novel. Despite the fact he had written more material for the New Series than RTD had, he still wanted a proper episode.
Instead, he got this.
Later, Roberts caught RTD unaware and stuffed him into a fridge, threatening to hurl him over the edge of a nearby cliff unless the Doctor Who production team met his demands – and this time, he was allowed to write a proper episode. For series three. If nothing else was better to do.
The first idea was "Lockdown of Anthropomorphism!", in which one of the peroxide blonde supermodel aliens known as the Slitheen is hunted through an abandoned military base by a bunch of randy UNIT troops who would then capture the alien and make it their whore.
Script editor for BBCITVPD Peter Winston pointed out that this was just a total rip off of that Michael J Fox movie 'Casualties of War' and that the Christmas viewing audience might not, you know, want to see a supermodel being repeatedly raped by GIs on December 25. They turned to RTD for a new format with lots of puzzles that included all the fundamental elements of Doctor Who.
"Yeah. The Doctor needs your help. And is searching for traces of this alien presence in the time, having narrowed it down to about three places. Let's say... a jungle planet in the far future, 19th Century Manchester and New York circa 2500 AD. You pick whatever time-period takes your fancy via the TARDIS rotar and whiz through time and space to a certain digital channel," mumbled a hungover Russell T Davies at the BBC launch party, face down in one of the waiters.
By October, Roberts grudgingly handed over the script for "Cigarette-Ash-Stain of Fatal Death" which required sixteen times the official budget – two pounds thirty and a used printer cartridge – however, the BBC were committed.
David Tennant, busy filming his Cyberman extravaganza "Silver Finish: The Raise of the Cybermen", was kidnapped, blindfolded and dragged to the main TARDIS set to record the linking material which would be provided by cue cards and an electric cattle prod.
However, Tennant had already read the spoilers for the story on Outpost Gallifrey and memorized the whole script just on the off-chance. Everyone was slightly disturbed at this diligence and fan psychosis.
It’s unsurprising that such a complete fan boy as David Tennant is the first Doctor since Tom Baker to immerse himself in the role so completely – a Doctor who had already been in a Children in Need skit before he’d got out of the TARDIS doors for the first time, in an age where the Ninth Doctor’s spinoffs outweigh his actual adventures. WHAT A HORRIBLE FUTURE WE LIVE IN!!!
We can only be grateful that Tennant’s performance as the Doctor, speaking kindly and reassuringly to the drunk, overfed and moronic audience at home as Tom Baker once used to do for a laugh, and that Eccleston wasn’t in it.
Mind you an angry, frosty, moody, mentally scarred, ruthless Doctor hurling racist abuse at the viewers for being utterly stupid and then vowing to leave their lives shattered like broken glass would traumatize kids and kid-like adults alike.
So, yeah, one hell of a missed opportunity there!
A trailer for the game was screened during The Michaelmas Evasion, which rather spoiled the plot and confused most of the viewers and pissed off just about everyone – in particular Tennant, who had got his whole family together to watch him get his arm hacked off by a skull-faced alien warrior in what was clearly NOT a rip off of Star Wars.
Since vast swathes of the population had no access to digital television, it was always likely that Attack of the Grinch would be a failure. It’s hard to tell if the interactive episode rated well or not, though, since the official BARB statement read simply:
"TO FIND OUT THE RATINGS, ENTER THE CORRECT NUMBER AT THE END OF THE FOLLOWING SEQUENCE:
AND THEN ADD A COMPLETELY RANDOM NUMBER OFF THE TOP OF YOUR HEAD.
I’LL GIVE YOU LOADS OF TIME TO DO THIS.
NO, I WON’T!! YOU’VE GOT JUST FIVE SECONDS!"
Attack of the Grinch could have performed even BETTER if most of the drunken, overfed audience hadn’t mistaken the off switch for the all-important "red button" and thus watched a blank TV screen for fifteen minutes waiting for something interesting to happen, then dozing off into a puddle of their own bodily waste while they composed their complaints to Radio Times for the appalling quality of the story.
Attack of the Grinch was repeated every night until New Year’s Eve and then made available on the official BBC website for UK broadband users who made private donations of no less than thirty-six thousand pounds to the BBC benevolent fund for a brief time before being taken down and lost seemingly forever.
So, if you don’t have some illegal bootleg recording of a version of it or happen to live in Australia, Ireland, America, Canada, Wales or indeed anywhere that doesn’t let you pick up Digital BBC3 direct, well... you missed out, LOSER!!
The strange being known as Sparacus "Flamingo" Jones approached BBCITVPD claiming he had easily written a gripping drama for a five minute interactive show with only two possible paths to choose from, stopping every thirty seconds for exposition and options, which he entitled "Return of the Aliens to the Orchid House".
RETURN OF THE ALIENS TO THE ORCHID HOUSE by "SFJ"
The Doctor and his "stupid, moronic, ovary-possessing, daft dim tart of a chav bint" companion Rose arrive at Blandish Hall in 1926 and decide to visit it and get some free food and meet some decadent aristocrats having outdoor sex in the woods when they are scared by a creature resembling Chris Evans. But the Doctor fancies a pint so they ignore this and meet the rest of the family, all of whom are identical clones of Adam Rickitt having lots of steamy sex session involving tongues, thongs and honey?
The Doctor gets bored of "all theses poofs shagging" and gets drunk on mixed cocktails called Gallifrey Snowstorms and ignores the strange tentacled monstrosity wandering around murdering everyone as horrible screams echo around the house.
Scarry the Jackingoff, the Sexual Toymaker, a Bygone, Jessie Wallace (who is really a Slitheen), the Rani regenerated into Liz Hurley, Captain Jack Sparrow, Adam Mitchell, Harrison Chase make cameo appearances while Rose finally "wises up for the first time in her useless munting existence" and sleeps with Adam Rickitt.
"Oh no, not more frigging shagging!" the Doctor moans.
Despite the BBCITVPD insisting it was incredibly bad slash fiction, Jones pointed out it was really "a serious story with some adult dialogue, themes for a post-watershed audience, sex scenes ESSENTIAL to the plot in that they shed light into the characters’ personalities, and canned audience laughter". Jones was certain that ROTATTOH was "art" and definitely NOT a quick way of getting jollies while involving his favorite TV stars.
The fact mainstream drama had never used such explicit sex scenes with plenty of misogyny and Rose-hatred was, in Jones’ opinion, merely proof why his idea of drama was "forward-thinking"
Jones was later flushed down the nearest toilet into the London sewers and was last seen being swept along in a tide of human waste destined for the North Sea.
Meanwhile, David Tennant continued his baffling desire to sing in every episode, while all those involved decided to buy him an iPod and hopefully shut him up over the rest of his reign as the Doctor.
"All That I Want" by Ace of McShane & the Gooks
Well, woke up today
On an alien ship
Christmas Day had just begun
I opened up my eyes
"Ah! What a morning!
It’s not a life to waste
It’s a life for having fun
Not staying in the Estate
And eating chips!"
So let’s get outta here!
All that I want
Is a new adventure
All that I want
Is a new adventure, jings!
The Grinch is in sight
And the day is right
We’re a hunter
He’s the bad wolf
The trip of all
It won’t last forever
It’s a night for action
Beware those zombies
Flashing in their eyes
So let’s get outta here!
All that I want
Is a new adventure
All that I want
Is a new adventure, jings!
I won’t lead a lonely life
Not this time!
All that I want
Is a new adventure
All that I want
Is a new adventure, jings!