Scene 14 – Titan Not-So-Lower Decks
[The Robot Santa is stalking down the corridor, passing door after door. One door it passes opens and the Doctor jumps out, armed with his screwdriver. It whirs loudly, and a beat later, the Santa is on the ground, deactivated.]
DOCTOR: And to all a good night. [kicks Santa] OH YEAH!
[Ruby emerges from the room.]
RUBY: What did you do?
DOCTOR: Does it matter? Hang on, didn’t I just tell you to leg it to the TARDIS?
RUBY: [shrugs] I don’t take orders well.
DOCTOR: You did back then. And weren’t we running for our lives several decks below? How did we get up here and lay a trap? Is it something threatening the casual nexus of reality itself?
RUBY: ...or it could just be sloppy continuity.
DOCTOR: Or, at a pinch, it could just be sloppy continuity. [examines Santa] Clever.
RUBY: What is it?
DOCTOR: Memory was wiped! Either the evil mastermind behind all this is one step ahead of this... which means we’re behind it as well, just one step away from him. Or else I just fried its brain accidentally on purpose. Either way, we’ve got no way to know who this thing was working for. Or what it was doing. Or why anyone would dress up as Santa Claus in the middle of April, ages before he became a true pop culture icon anyway.
DOCTOR: You stopped listening a while ago, didn’t you?
RUBY: Pretty much the moment you started talking.
DOCTOR: [waves shoe around] Lucky we have this, though.
Scene 15 – Titan Bow Deck
[The Doctor and Ruby are walking along the deck towards the TARDIS.]
RUBY: [out of breath] ...AND?
[He holds up the shoe, nearly poking her in the eye.]
DOCTOR: Early transmat technology had one or two kinks in it, people losing memory, arriving inside out, or without clothes...
DOCTOR: Haven’t we been through all this before? Jings, I miss the twenty first century where everyone in the audience had seen Star Trek and I didn’t have to waste precious time explaining everything... basically, a machine that
takes people from one place to another instantly. You know. Magic carpet ride!
RUBY: A magic carpet you need to be nude to ride?
DOCTOR: Well. Yes. That’s a very interesting mental image, isn’t it?
RUBY: And you think that this is what has been taking the people?
DOCTOR: That’s the theory. The Santas must be using old technology – it makes sense, they’re old models, very old in fact. So, when they use the transmat on people...
RUBY: [deadpan] Their clothes get left behind?
DOCTOR: You got it! Unless of course the Santas are just perverts and like stripping their captives naked. Either way, the plot development stands and this shoe is the key?
RUBY: Um, can you show your working, please?
[He throws the shoe at Ruby and it hits her head.]
DOCTOR: Aw, you were supposed to catch it!
[She repeatedly strikes the Doctor over the face with the shoe.]
DOCTOR: [with nose bleeding] All right. I’ll do it myself.
[He grabs the shoe and waves the sonic screwdriver around it. It buzzes slightly.]
DOCTOR: See, when you transmat you leave little traces of particles in theair, after a while they get blown around, impossible to trace. But, and here’s where the shoe comes in. When things get left behind by the transmat, like clothes, the particles get into the fibres, stick around, and that means we can trace it.
RUBY: Is that it? Why couldn’t you do that when we found it?
DOCTOR: This is big set and we’ve got to use it! Trust me, this will look brilliant in HD!
RUBY: Does this help us find out where Edgar and the others went?
DOCTOR: Better! For if I use the ancient and sacred Gallifreyan technobabble of reversing the polarity of the transmat flow, we can transmat ourselves to where all those naked people are being taken. Nothing can possibly go wrong as long as the missing people aren’t simply being executed on arrival. That’s not likely. Is it?
[He grabs hold of Ruby.]
DOCTOR: Do you feel lucky, Ruby? Lucky, lucky, lucky?
RUBY: Wait, Doctor... do we really want to see Edgar naked?
DOCTOR: Jings. Hadn’t thought of that. Yes, it’s best if...
[The screwdriver buzzes.]
[They are both engulfed by a bright bluelight and disappear. We linger on the empty deck for as long as necessary to pad out the running time and admire the detail of this incredible set.]
Scene 16 – Titan Cargo Hold
[The Doctor and Ruby appear about half a metre above the floor, and crash to the ground in just the right way for them to end up on top of each other in a moment of cheap sexual tension to mask the fact that Tennant bangs every female lead on a matter of principal. The males ones too, if they’re really fit. An edit later and the Doctor groans, standing
quickly and brushing himself down.]
DOCTOR: Jings! On top of the rough landing we’re still both wearing clothes! There’s no justice, there really is. Just, don’t go swimming for a few hours. Icebergs, you know...
[While Ruby struggles to her feet, the Doctor spots a dusty crate with the words "PROPERTY OF TOUCHWOOD – HANDS OFF!" and stares at it.]
DOCTOR: What, again? This is the third time I’ve seen this. Well, this time, I open it, even if there isn’t a Cyberman inside! This plotline has gone on far enough!
[He looks around, spying a pick axe mounted on the nearby wall "IN CASE OF MYSTERIOUS TOUCHWOOD PACKING CRATES". The Doctor takes it, and raises it high above his head and, laughing very similarly to Jack Nicholson in "The Shining", hit the box several times, sending splintering wood everywhere. He peers into the box.]
DOCTOR: Jackpot. [beat] Jackpot. Jackpot. Jackpot. Jackpot. Jackpot!
[Ruby looks inside.]
RUBY: Still waiting to be impressed.
[Inside the crate lies a vintage 1975 “Return of the Cybermen” era silver, armored sex machine. The smiley face, the flared trousers, the vacuum cleaner hose pipes, the only thing odd is that the piano accordion built into the chest has a 1980s lightning globe built into it. This stick out like dog’s bollocks as it’s more advanced than everything else in this story, a sad indictment on BBCWales there I think you will agree.]
DOCTOR: What did you expect? The Heart of the Ocean? The Cybermen were popular monsters. They used to be men, humans like the people of this planet who are also humans and not Earth Reptiles, mermaids, fire people or any of that. Eventually they, the Cybermen I mean, decided that their normal forms wouldn’t be enough to handle their swinging bachelor lifestyles, so they took away the human, the biological side of things and made people into machine. Emotionless, killing machines that last forever and never need antibiotics.
RUBY: More alien machines? Weren’t one bunch enough?
DOCTOR: Ah, but these ones can talk. Sometimes. And we haven’t seen them for ages. This should get those action figures marching off the shelves again. Sad, really. Sharing the limelight with the Dustbins was bad enough, but now they’re doing it with a bunch of robo-Santas. For one thing, it’s pathetic and for another, this is implausible.
[She rolls her eyes at him.]
RUBY: You worry about this now?
DOCTOR: The Cybermen never came to Earth this early. At least they shouldn’t have. And this one has. My fan theories of the Cybermen chronology are incompatible, I tell ya. Unless these Cybermen are time travelers from the future. I can work that in. As long as they never developed it. It’s in all the Handbooks that they never developed time travel, stole it once or twice, but never actually understood it.
RUBY: Right. Time travel. Sure. Why not? Let’s start again. Doctor. Who are you?
DOCTOR: [mind elsewhere] I’ll explain later. Well. I won’t. But it usually shuts blondes up when the ask that question. Brunettes too sometimes. But not gingers for some reason. Maybe that’s why Dona..
[He trails off, and Ruby looks incredibly frustrated at the entire situation.]
RUBY: [annoyed] Will you please stop waffling on and stick to the plot?
DOCTOR: Not until I’ve retconned this to my own satisfaction! Now. The Cybermen never develop time
travel, it’s beyond their capabilities. But, if someone gave them that ability, they could come back and invade time and space. Something like that is never supposed to happen, it creates a crease in the time line, which is exactly what would cause my ship to fall out of the vortex and crash into the Titan! Yes! Cyberman history and an integral plotline, all tied up in one bullshit explanation! Am I jammy or what?
RUBY: Yeah, whatever. Now what happens?
DOCTOR: Well, Santa up there had his mind wiped. But something tells me this big boy wasn’t, so he might have some traces of memory...
RUBY: And this is a good thing because?
DOCTOR: Of course it is. Why wouldn’t it be a good thing?
RUBY: Statistical probability?
[He thinks. She has a point. He shrugs it off, but as he does so, the lightning globe starts flashing.]
DOCTOR: Oh, good guess!
KNACKERED CYBERMAN: DISTRESS BEACON ACTIVATED. I AM TOO OLD FOR THIS SHIT.
[The Doctor’s eyes widen. More than normal, I mean.]
DOCTOR: Yes. Bad thing, just like you said. I think we’ve got a massive Cyberman fight scene on the way when they take on the resident monster. And we all know how well that turns out, don’t we boys and girls?
Scene 17 – Atlantic Ocean
[Some stock footage of the majestic ship steaming through the cold and dark waters of the Atlantic. Maybe with some creepy music to differentiate it from the last few times we’ve used this scene.]
Scene 18 – Titan Corridor
[A young, very young in fact, early teens at the latest, bellboy is walking along the corridor, whistling to himself. His whole life is ahead of him, and he’s just had a brilliant idea that will form the basis of mobile phone texting and make him the most important person in history. So lost is he in this moment of intuitive revelation, he doesn’t notice the heavy footsteps right behind him, but he does notice the thing in front of him that grabs him by the neck and lifts him off the ground. As the thought occurs that these non-speaking extras might truly change the world if they weren’t always monster fodder, the doomed bellboy screams like a girl...]
Scene 19 – Titan Cargo Hold
[The scream continues for about fourteen seconds. It stops. A long pause. The Doctor turns to Ruby.]
DOCTOR: Did you hear something, Ruby?
RUBY: Just that scream, why?
DOCTOR: Well, if I was being needlessly melodramatic I’d say... they’re here.
RUBY: What’s here? More of those things?
DOCTOR: Probably slightly more updated and relevant to the modern audience, but yep, pretty much. But, you know, I could be wrong. That scream might have been someone who, I dunno, spilt their soup?
[Another pause. Another scream.]
DOCTOR: Or it could be the Cybermen. They’ll probably be down here soon, we should go.
[He offers her his hand.]
RUBY: You want me to hold your hand.
DOCTOR: [shrugs] Tradition?
[She takes it and they run full speed out of the room.]
Scene 20 – Titan Lower Decks
[The Doctor and Ruby run past non-speaking extras who have left their cabins to find out what that screaming was all about.]
DOCTOR: We have to get to the TARDIS, see if there’s anything we can do from there. Which there probably isn’t, but I really feel like hiding in an indestructible fortress to do my planning.
RUBY: That’ll be the same indestructible fortress that the ship smashed a huge hole into?
[A pause as they keep running.]
DOCTOR: Don’t spoil a beautiful plan, Ruby.
[They turn a corner and run right into three shambling figures resembling the illegitimate, inbred offspring of Mad Max extras, Native American Indian warrior, and the cast-offs of vat-grown plastic carnivale displays. These Cybermen are truly reimagined for a Noughties audience. The central Cyberman, who sports a Spanish Conquistador helmet with a feather in it and holds a tacky plastic staff, steps forward a speaks first.]
CYBERMAN KIOWA: BIOLOGICAL LIFE FORM DETECTED!
[The Cyberman next to it, with lots of ammo belts and a pony tail, sighs.]
CYBERMAN GLOCK: YES, WE KNOW THAT. THEY’RE STANDING RIGHT IN FRONT OF US.
CYBERMAN KIOWA: APPREHEND AND TAKE TO BE CYBOTIZED!
[The remaining Cyberman, who has a crossbow and a huge mane-like mullet wig, looks confused.]
CYBERMAN BUSHIDO: EH? IS HE TALKING TO US?
CYBERMAN GLOCK: YEAH, I THINK SO.
CYBERMAN BUSHIDO: WHAT’S HE SAYING THEN?
CYBERMAN KIOWA: APPREHEND AND TAKE TO BE CYBOTIZED!
CYBERMAN BUSHIDO: YEAH I HEARD THAT BIT, KIOWA. WHAT DOES IT MEAN?
CYBERMAN GLOCK: “CYBOTIZED”? IS THAT EVEN A WORD?
CYBERMAN BUSHIDO: YOU DON’T THINK HE MEANS CONVERTING THEM, DO YOU?
CYBERMAN KIOWA: CYBOTIZE THEM!!!
CYBERMAN GLOCK: WELL IF YOU WANT US TO CONVERT THEM, JUST SAY SO!
CYBERMAN BUSHIDO: COME ON, GLOCK. WE WON’T GET ANY PEACE UNTIL...
[They turn and realize that the Doctor and Ruby have managed to run away during this exchange before the murderous machine scavengers can get their plastic hands on them.]
CYBERMAN BUSHIDO: GLOCK! THEY’VE BUGGERED OFF!
CYBERMAN GLOCK: YES, BUSHIDO, I HAD NOTICED.
CYBERMAN KIOWA: APPREHEND ALL BIOLOGICAL LIFE FORMS!
CYBERMAN BUSHIDO: EH?
CYBERMAN GLOCK: HE MEANS “AFTER THEM!”
CYBERMAN BUSHIDO: WELL, WHY COULDN’T HE SAY SO?!
[The trio lurch down the corridor after them.]
Scene 21 – Titan Promenade Deck
[The Doctor and Ruby meanwhile are running for their worthless lives down the deck towards the bow when they see another Cyberman leaving against the TARDIS, having a crafty fag and reading a newspaper. It looks up as they approach and, without wasting any time on dialogue, the Doctor and Ruby dive down a side corridor and out of sight. The Cyberman stares in their direction for a moment, shrugs and then goes back to its paper.]
Scene 22 – Titan Lower Decks
[Another area of the decks, completely deserted. The Doctor and Ruby race through, but the latter collapses. A few moments later, the Doctor notices and comes back for you.]
DOCTOR: Come on! Quickly – they won’t be far behind!
RUBY: [breathless] I can’t Doctor! My ankle! I’ve sprained my ankle!
DOCTOR: AH, JINGS!
RUBY: Oh well, you might as well pass the time explaining who they are and what they want with us?
DOCTOR: Yes, or I could continue running for my life while the Cybermen take every person on board this ship alive, more or less, then strip away the living tissue and then they’ll have an orgy of the damned with their new converts!
RUBY: They couldn’t just take the Cyberman in the basement and go, then? It’s why they’re here, right?
DOCTOR: That’s right, try and psychoanalyze alien bondage freaks! Jings, Ruby, they don’t THINK like that! Cybermen are so few in numbers, they’ve lost one of their own already, they come here and see plenty of people just
waiting to be converted. That’s too much of an opportunity to miss. They’ve been gagging for some sexual partners who can last as long as they can in bed...
RUBY: So, how do they do it? Convert people? Are leaflets involved?
DOCTOR: No. Drills are. And buzz-saws. And microwaves. And no anaesthetic. They’ll have a conversion hive somewhere on board already, it’s a standard prop they bring with them.
RUBY: So, we find the converter, stop them making more, and then we stop the Cybermen? And then we have to stop whatever has been taking the people here. Assuming that’s not the Cybermen.
DOCTOR: Yeah. Sure. Or I could just run for my life and leave you to the Cybermen and/or the Santas.
[He starts to leave.]
RUBY: Oh, my ankle has suddenly gotten better. Yay me.
[She limps after him as fast as she can.]
Scene 23 – Titan Ballroom
[Dozens of men and women in stylish ball gowns and smart tuxedos dance on the floor to a gentle waltz, because they’re so damn stupid they haven’t noticed all the harbingers of the apocalypse, the disappearing people, the alien monsters and quite frankly the lot of them deserve to die! The Doctor and Ruby enter onto the balcony which runs round three sides of the ballroom and move past people looking down onto the dance floor, towards the staircase.]
RUBY: There are machine men attacking people on the ship, and they’re dancing!
DOCTOR: Well, you know what they say, ignorance is bliss. Mind you, certain lethal strains of airborne bacteria are bliss too. Remember that, kids, never use a dealer you don’t trust!
RUBY: But they must have heard the screams!
DOCTOR: They chose not to. The human race is brilliant at that, pretending the world isn’t ending around them. It’s one of the things that sets you apart and makes people want to wipe you off this planet. [frowns] Come to think of it, I’m surprised I haven’t tried it on you yet...
[Through a door on the same level as the dance floor step three Robot Santas who start to push and shove their way through the crowd. The Doctor and Ruby start to leg it when the door they entered bursts open and Bushido marches inside, right in front of our heroes.]
[Heads turn. The Robot Santas raise their energy cannon cunningly disguised as a sack of presents. Bushido raises his tacky plastic staff. The Doctor and Ruby look from one foe to the other in camp, tennis-match style as the Robot Santas fire volleys of deadly confetti and all those extras run for it. All the shots miss.]
DOCTOR: A good old fashioned ambush... Why not? LISTEN TO ME!!!
[Bushido and the Santas stare at him.]
DOCTOR: [stunned that it worked] Brilliant! Look, Cyberman, you could convert us both. And you, Santas, you could do... whatever it is you’ve been doing. Or, you could fight off the competition. Cyberman, Robot Santas; Robot Santas, Cyberman. Have fun!
[He and Ruby leg it as Bushido stares down at the Santas, who stare right back up at him.]
Scene 24 – Titan Corridor
[The Doctor and Ruby run as fast as they can – as, at this point in production, none of the extras are present to get in the way and slow them down.]
RUBY: You started a fight between two races of robots?
DOCTOR: Works every time!
[Behind them there is a sudden sound of an explosion, then an awkward silence.]
Scene 25 – Titan Ballroom
[A Santa Robot lies on the ground, its mask having fallen off, exposing the golden plated form underneath. Bushido places one foot on the golden head.]
CYBERMAN BUSHIDO: BOO-YA! HOW DO YOU LIKE US NOW, YOU SANTA BITCHES?! WHAT’S THAT? YOU CAN’T HEAR ME RIGHT NOW? TOO BAD!
[Bushido crushes the Santa head while laughing insanely.]
Scene 26 – Titan Corridor
[Back with the Doctor and Ruby, who have stopped as she has sprained her remaining ankle.]
DOCTOR: Look, I try not to discriminate when it comes to companions but being able to run more than three paces is really a kind of major part of the deal. [sighs] Now, the only people who know where the conversion hive is are the Cybermen. So if we want to find the conversion room, we’re going to have to find a Cyberman.
RUBY: That sounds like it will be easier done than said.
DOCTOR: You bet, with you spraining your ankle all over the place we’re bound to get caught any second.
[There is the sound of heavy footsteps as Glock and Kiowa march around the corner.]
DOCTOR: Oh, am I good or what?
GLOCK: OH, IT’S YOU AGAIN.
KIOWA: YOU WILL COME WITH US. AND BE CYBOTIZED.
GLOCK: [to Kiowa] STOP THAT. [to the Doctor] YOU WILL COME WITH US. PROPERLY, THIS TIME.
DOCTOR: [cheerful] Whatever you say, boss!
[The two Cybermen turn and walk off. The Doctor and the limping Ruby follow.]
RUBY: [whispering] Are you sure about this Doctor?
DOCTOR: [whispering] Fairly certain. Just keep your head down.
DOCTOR: [irritated] What?!
RUBY: If you were planning on getting caught, why were we running in the first place?
DOCTOR: Oh, very important reason for that. Very complicated.
[Her eyes shift from side to side, waiting for an answer that he’s apparently not going to give.]
DOCTOR: I only just thought of it! Look, why do you have to keep questioning everything I do? Why do you have such a low opinion of me?
RUBY: I don’t!
[A long pause.]
RUBY: I just have a high opinion of everyone else.
Scene 27 – Conversion Room
[Those canny BBC set designers have turned the cargo hold into a shoddy conversion hive by some judicious placement of conversion units, a lot of Cyber logos and blood stains everywhere. Glock and Kiowa march the doctor and Ruby into the room.]
GLOCK: JUST TO BE CLEAR, YOU TWO WILL BE THE FIRST TO BE CONVERTED.
GLOCK: SHUT UP, KIOWA! NOW, YOU TWO FLESHMEN, WALK TO YOUR DOOM WITH DIGNITY OR BE DRAGGED THERE KICKING AND SCREAMING. IT’S NOT LIKE WE CARE OR ANYTHING.
KIOWA: EMOTIONS ARE WEAKNESS.
GLOCK: KIOWA? I’M SPEAKING HERE.
DOCTOR: Which particular breed of Cybermen are you, again?
GLOCK: CYBERMEN? WE’RE NOT CYBERMEN?
KIOWA: [worried] AREN’T WE?
GLOCK: NO, WE’RE NOT! WE ARE THE CYBS!
GLOCK: CYBS! C-Y-B-S!
KIOWA: AS IN, "CYBOTIC".
GLOCK: SHUT UP, KIOWA! SHUT UP!!
DOCTOR: Not Cybus, then?
GLOCK: HAH! THOSE LOSERS? NEVER! WE ARE THE PIRATES OF THE GALAXY, SLASH AND BURN MARAUDERS OF THE PLANET HYDROGRATZ! AFTER WE RUINED THE ENVIRONMENT OF THEIR OWN PLANET, WE REPLACED OUR BODIES WITH MANUFACTURED, VAT-GROWN PLASTIC PARTS!
KIOWA: YES, WE ARE CYBOTIC!
GLOCK: SHUT THE HELL UP! WE ARE NOT CYBOTIC! THAT ISN’T EVEN A WORD! STOP SAYING "CYBOTIC"! IT’S NOT SMART, IT’S NOT COOL AND IT’S NOT SCIENTIFICALLY ACCURATE! HONESTLY, WHAT SORT OF NOMADIC GALACTIC PLUNDERER STROKE SCAVENGER ARE YOU, KIOWA?! DID YOU DO ANYTHING USEFUL WHEN WE ATTACKED THAT CARAVAN TOWN ON MARS? WERE YOU TAKING SLAVES AND WOMEN TO INCREASE OUR NUMBERS?
GLOCK: NO, YOU WERE RUNNING AROUND SHOUT "CYBOTIC" AT THE TOP OF YOUR VOCODER CIRCUITS! WHEN WE AMBUSHED THAT CARAVAN TOWN OF SHABOOGANS ON GALLIFREY, DID YOU STOP THEM ESCAPING INTO THE DOMED CITY? NO, YOU WERE PAINTING YOUR CYBERMATS WITH GO-FASTER-STRIPES THAT SAID "CYBOTIC"! AND WHERE WERE YOU IN THE 25TH CENTURY WHEN WE AMBUSHED THAT CARAVAN OF ARCHAEOLOGISTS?! WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU THEN, "CYBOTIC" BOY?
KIOWA: WELL, MAYBE I THOUGHT I HAD SOMETHING BETTER TO DO WITH MY TIME THAN TRYING TO SCORE WITH PUNY BIOLOGICAL LIFE FORMS WHO HAVEN’T FOUND A PROPER WATER SOURCE! OOH, CARAVANS! HOW FUCKING PATHETIC ARE YOU? YOU THINK DEFEATING SOME BADLY-DRESSED PEASANTS IN CARAVANS IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN FUNDAMENTALLY UNDERSTANDING THE NATURE OF EXISTENCE!
GLOCK: AND WHAT IS THAT?
GLOCK: OH, YOU HYDRAULIC-MUSCLED SON OF A BITCH...
[There is a loud coughing. The two Cybermen (look, I’m the author, that’s what they’re called) turn to see the Doctor calmly standing beside them, tapping his foot.]
DOCTOR: Is this your first day? Because, if I’m honest, I’m not all that impressed so far.
RUBY: Doctor, are you sure you know what in the name of God you’re supposed to be doing?
DOCTOR: Oh stop worrying, see what these boys here forgot to do... was search us.
[He takes out his trusty sonic screwdriver.]
KIOWA: GLOCK! CYBOTIC DETECTORS REGISTER A SONIC PROBE!
[Glock stares at Kiowa.]
GLOCK: I KNOW. HE’S STANDING RIGHT IN FRONT US, BRAIN DONOR!
KIOWA: I’M STILL RIGHT, THOUGH.
GLOCK: A LITTLE LATE IN THE DAY FOR THAT, DON’T YOU THINK?
KIOWA: I DIDN’T SEE YOUR CYBOTIC DETECTORS REGISTERING ANYTHING!
DOCTOR: See, there’s one thing you really shouldn’t have done, was put me in this room with a sonic screwdriver.
GLOCK: HOW SO?
[The Doctor turns on the screwdriver and sparks fly from the machines. Glock and Kiowa triple take.]
KIOWA: WELL, I’LL BE HORNSWAGGLED!
DOCTOR: Ruby, run for you life!
[The Doctor bolts for the door and skids to a halt when he realizes that Ruby has stayed where she is, head in a hammerlock by Bushido, who just entered.]
BUSHIDO: WHAT IN THE NAME OF CELESTIAL TOYMAKING IS GOING ON IN HERE?
[The Doctor rolls his eyes and sighs in despair.]
DOCTOR: Companions! Can’t live with them, can’t keep the teen demographic without them. All right, Cybo-losers, let her go.
KIOWA: THE ROGUE ELEMENT WILL RETURN TO CONVERSION UNIT AND REPAIR DAMAGE.
BUSHIDO: EH? WHAT’S THE MAD TWAT ON ABOUT NOW?
GLOCK: OI! YOU! WEASEL-FEATURES! GET BACK HERE AND FIX IT!
DOCTOR: I said, "LET HER GO!"
BUSHIDO: WE’RE NOT DEAF, YOU KNOW.
KIOWA: CORRECT. OUR CYBOTIC AUDIO CIRCUITS FUNCTION PERFECTLY.
BUSHIDO: AH, CHRIST, KIOWA, YOU’RE NOT GOING ON ABOUT "CYBOTICS" AGAIN, ARE YOU?
GLOCK: HE’S BEEN DRIVING ME UP THE WALL ALL AFTERNOON, BUSHIDO.
DOCTOR: Hello? Is anyone paying attention to me? At all?
BUSHIDO: HE HAS BEEN TAKING HIS MEDICATION, RIGHT?
DOCTOR: Fine. Sod this for a game of soldiers!
[He leaves, and Ruby continues to be held in place by Bushido.]
KIOWA: I DO NOT REQUIRE MEDICATION. MY MIND FUNCTIONS PERFECTLY! CYBOTICALLY, EVEN!
BUSHIDO: LOOK, FINE, IF YOU DON’T WANT TO BE HELPED, WE DON’T HAVE TO HELP YOU...
GLOCK: WE’RE ONLY YOUR FAMILY WHO LOVE AND CARE FOR YOU.
KIOWA: BUT WE DON’T HAVE EMOTIONS, WE ARE CYBOTIC...
GLOCK: DON’T TRY AND BACK-TALK TO YOUR ELDERS, KIOWA!
Scene 28 – Conversion Room Corridor
[The Doctor runs past more extras running in the opposite direction due to a confusion in the script.]
Scene 29 – Titan Bow Deck
[The Doctor runs into the TARDIS, but neglects to unlock and open the door first, so he bounces off the doors with a bloody nose. Swearing in Scottish, the Doctor stumbles back to the TARDIS, opens it and enters.]
Scene 30 – TARDIS Control Room
[The Doctor runs around checking all of the panels and railings, looking for something.]
DOCTOR: Come on come on, where is it?
[He freezes and carefully reaches into his pocket and pulls out a discarded shoe.]
DOCTOR: Ah. Obvious place. Jings. Getting very forgetful. At this rate I’ll need regenerating before the next season but one is actually over.
[Taking out his sonic screwdriver, his unhurriedly wanders back down the ramp to the doors.]
Scene 31 – Titan Bow Deck
[The Doctor emerges from the TARDIS, absorbed scanning the shoe.]
DOCTOR: Now... what am I supposed to be doing again?
[Edgar steps from behind the TARDIS. Thankfully, he is fully clothed.]
EDGAR: It doesn’t matter, Doctor. We’ve already moved past the A and B plots!
[The Doctor frowns and looks at the shoe.]
DOCTOR: [to the shoe] Have we?
EDGAR: I think we need to have a chat, don’t you Doctor?
DOCTOR: Course we do. I’ve always got time to chat to talking shoes.
EDGAR: I’m not a shoe, I’m Edgar.
[The Doctor whirls round to face him.]
DOCTOR: Edgar! So the shoe doesn’t talk at all?
DOCTOR: Jings. I’d love to meet a talking shoe. Oh well, come on in, let’s talk turkey. Gobble, gobble, gobble...
[They both enter the TARDIS.]
Scene 32 – TARDIS Control Room
[The Doctor hastily hides some of Martha’s discarded underwear while Edgar looks around.]
EDGAR: I knew it. I bloody knew it!
DOCTOR: Knew what?
EDGAR: Time Lord technology.
DOCTOR: [folds arms] What gave it away? The fact it’s a police box from forty years in the future, bigger on the inside than it is in the outside that I regularly refer to as a TARDIS?
EDGAR: Yeah, pretty much.
[Edgar holds up a finger, scraping it along one of the twisted pillars in the ship, then tasting it.]
EDGAR: Mmm. Caramel. Of course, I’ve been around for a fair while, I’ve heard of TARDISes. TARDI? What is the plural?
DOCTOR: If we could get back to the matter at hand...?
EDGAR: [shrugs] That’s a stupid plural. Anyway, moving on, I know a TARDIS when I see one re-grow itself right in front of me. [tastes fingers] It’s a bit salty, probably from all the sea water. But it’s a Type 40, right?
DOCTOR: [quickly] Wrong! It’s actually a Type 39. Plus one. Anyway, Mr. Not-A-Talking-Shoe, who are you?
EDGAR: I could ask you the same.
DOCTOR: You could, but then I’ve got the gun.
EDGAR: What gun?
DOCTOR: No fooling you.
EDGAR: You can’t be what I think you are.
DOCTOR: And what might that be?
EDGAR: A Time Lord.
DOCTOR: Because it would ridiculous for a Time Lord travel machine to have a Time Lord owner.
EDGAR: But they were all killed, wiped out in a war with the Dustbins.
DOCTOR: Ahem! First, not all us were killed because I manifestly survived. And second, "a war"?? Talk about damning with faint praise! A temporal difference of opinion covering the whole of creation from beginning to end with the entire universe at threat and you compare it to the sort of poofy military maneuvers you’d see in Iraq?!
[Edgar laughs, much to the annoyance of the Doctor.]
DOCTOR: Fuck you!
EDGAR: I had heard rumors about the coward who ran from the battle at Abydos. Was that you Doctor?
DOCTOR: [a bit too quickly] No! That was the wine-peddling meddling Monky-boy! But, er, you know, he and I were the only ones to make it out, now there’s just me. Thank Christ.
EDGAR: A shame. The last of a great race. That means we have something in common, Doctor.
DOCTOR: Does it? Does this mean you’re finally going to answer the whole "who are you" question?
[Edgar chuckles, walking around the TARDIS, stroking the console as he goes. The Doctor slaps his hand away.]
DOCTOR: Oi! Hands.
EDGAR: [grandly] I am the last of the Jenan!
DOCTOR: Pull the other one! Jenan? The Jenan aren’t extinct, you daft sassenach, there’s billions of you!
EDGAR: Yeah, well, but, you see, they’re traitors! Traitors to the old way! They don’t deserve the name Jenan!
DOCTOR: They still have it, though, don’t they?
EDGAR: [sighs] A bit. Yeah.
DOCTOR: What did they do to lose the right to call themselves body-snatching parasitic warlords then?
EDGAR: They forgot the whole "warlord" part is what they did! Now they’re body-snatching parasitic politicians! Weaklings is all that they are now! I refused to change my business cards and THAT, Doctor, is why I am the last of the true Jenan! [bitter] I was the only one person to try and resurrect my once great race – and what was my reward?
DOCTOR: They exiled you, forcing you to live on a pathetic primitive world for the rest of your lives?
EDGAR: Wow. Good guess. But you can’t possibly know what it’s like!
DOCTOR: Hey, you got it easy! When it happened to me I was turned into Jon Pertwee!
EDGAR: [amazed] Hardcore.
DOCTOR: So what are you doing here on the Titan?
EDGAR: Oh, there’s this company in America whose been collecting alien artifacts and weapons and doing a darn sight better job that Touchwood in Cardiff. I took over the leader’s body for a while, seemed to work nicely, and the others were all too busy having violent sex to notice an alien was in charge. They salvaged a Cyberman, I salvaged it from them and the American company want to salvage it from me. For a price.
DOCTOR: Which was?
EDGAR: They offered my freedom, escape from my exile. And some nifty Santa-shaped hench-bots as a perk, a fringe benefit... a Christmas bonus, if you want.
[The Doctor slaps him.]
DOCTOR: Never try to be funny in my presence again. So you’re the one in charge of the insane androids dressed as Santa Claus for absolutely no reason at all, whatsoever, eh?
EDGAR: Yup. I couldn’t allow anyone to discover the Cyberman in my luggage. They were protecting the crate. A touch overzealous, I guess.
DOCTOR: Hah! I knew it. What happened to all the poor naked suckers then?
EDGAR: Transmatted back to England for a cheap laugh. I love it when naked people appear randomly out of thin air.
[The Doctor leans on the console.]
DOCTOR: So. It was YOU behind this whole thing!
[A long pause.]
EDGAR: Yes, Doctor. It was me. Very good.
DOCTOR: I KNEW IT! Oh, one last thing, how does Kylie Minogue fit into all this, this game of cross and double cross? Huh? Got an answer for that.
EDGAR: Oh, that tart. The body I’m wearing fancied her rotten, really rather irritating. I only possessed him when one of the Santas teleported him by accident. Before that I was the ship’s parrot. [beat] Mind you, she is well fit, isn’t she?
DOCTOR: Not for much longer now the Cybermen have got her.
EDGAR: Oh no, not blame me for this. YOU are the one who activated that distress... you saying they have Ruby?
DOCTOR: Looks like it’s goodbye Ruby Tuesday, then, doesn’t it?
EDGAR: Bummer. Guess we should really do something to save her.
DOCTOR: You first, you’re wearing the body of the boyfriend.
EDGAR: Yeah, but you’re the one she actually fancies.
DOCTOR: So I am. He shoots, he scores!
EDGAR: [shamed] Damn!