Serial CIN2 – Afterlife
An Alternate Program Guide by Ewen Campion Clarke
From An Entry In The EC Unauthorized Guide O' Goodvibes
"YOA's Discontinuity Guides – Inaccurate But Caring."
NOTE: There was no title caption at the start of the mini-episode, and no end credits. Hence, I have decided to call it "Afterlife" after a focus group rejected the original proposed moniker of "Welcome to Berserkostan, Infidels!" for some reason. Philistines.
Serial CIN2 – Afterlife -
Rose Tyler has just woken up naked in bed next to the Doctor. Apparently they just had sex due to her being transformed into a Time Goddess by the Heart of the TARDIS, but now that energy has triggered the death of the Doctor and given Rose amnesia. Suddenly a strange white wraith swallows up the Doctor and replaces him with a younger, spiky-haired Scots nutter with too many teeth.
Oddly enough, this is the most understandable and sensible material to occur for the next three and a half minutes.
It just gets weird from now on – seriously weird. How weird? Showing Yellow Submarine to a morbid epileptic for a laugh style weird.
The Doctor leaps out of bed and announces he's only half an hour to get lunch with Somerset Maughn – assuming the famous poet has not been eaten by a crocodile at Niagara Falls. Or an alligator on the Niles. Six of one, half a dozen of the other.
Having set the TARDIS on course for the planet Bristol, the Doctor checks out his tenth body's physiognomy with a magnifying glass and a tape measure.
However, Rose is still uncertain that the man before her is who he says he is, suspecting either a body swap or that he is a Slitheen in disguise. Or maybe the magic mushroom risotto the Time Lord keeps slipping her is finally working.
Rose nervously asks if this strange man is still the Doctor she knew, and gets told instead he is Lord Byron. Or Casanova. He feels now that he's in double-figures regeneration-wise, he wants to be someone else. Specifically someone to drench the TARDIS in French champagne, and allow the Time Lord to become as intoxicated as his time machine. He delights in feeding the coordinate override with gin.
Rose is not concerned with arbitrary definitions of existence or the physical state, and before things get too metaphysical points out that the weather is not exactly perfect for being a fool.
The Doctor agrees, he's starting to go "troppo" and sets the TARDIS to travel a couple of freckles past 2005 in order to rewrite the definitive history of the entire universe in order to reinvent himself as a 18th century womanizer.
Rose notes the TARDIS sounds and smells strangely familiar, and then puts this down to the fact she's lived in the time machine for six months and then yodels Tarzan-style to call the apes home for afternoon tea. The Doctor warns her that if she gives them an inch, they'll take the Nile, the Pyramids and the Goddarned Sphinx as well!
The TARDIS tumbles south of an inflatable statue of Gertrude Stein, the Crab Nebula, the Prawn Melba and the Lobster Archipelago on Toast when the Doctor realizes all he needs to do is put on a tutu and everything will be wonderful!
"Skyscrapers will turn giant trees and those forced to work in them will turn into bluebottles! Politicians, priests and police will turn into toads! Sewers, drains and roads shall become billabongs and springs! Cars will become catfish! Money will become butterflies! Junkies into turnips! Convicts into the avians of their choice! And Star Trek fans will become open fields, cause that's what they really want to be anyway..."
Unfortunately, none of the tutus in the TARDIS wardrobe fit the regenerated Doctor. Annoyed, he blames Rose for this and decides to dump her at her home of the Powel Estate, Cardiff. Rose protests that this is the last place she wants to go – she quit it after she found that Mickey and Jackie were having an affair.
The thought of those two doing the beast with two backs proves too much for the newly-regenerated Doctor. Without warning, the Time Lord is suddenly racked with pain, which causes the TARDIS to jolt erratically – the regeneration has gone wrong or perhaps he's eaten peanuts recently. Either way, it's serious!
His mind in a whirl, the Doctor increases the speed of the TARDIS – sending the ship hurtling out of control towards Michaelmas Eve, with the intention of crushing the adulterous pair beneath the police box!
This is some seriously screwed-up individual's chemical-induced excuse of an idea of a prequel to THE MICHAELMAS EVASION.
Book(s)/Other Related -
Doctor Who – 3-Dimensions in Lime
Let's Do The Time Wharf Again
Cass-WHO-Nova, the distinctly mind-blowing and inappropriately erotic fan film by Cameron J Mason starring David Tennant and Peter O'Toole as the Tenth and Thirteenth Doctor respectively shagging ANYTHING that moves, and quite a few things that don't...
"Love the Mole" – a Telos Publishing book of erotic 10thDoc/Rose fics.
Fluffs – David Tennant seemed 800 miles high and rising in this story.
Several minutes pass as Tennant and Piper argue about just WHO is playing the Doctor and Rose Tyler.
The author of episode is credited as "OH, MAN, WHAT IF GOD ACTUALLY TURNS OUT TO BE A GIANT STONEFISH, HUH? WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE GONNA DO THEN?! WE ARE SO COMPLETELY AND ROYALLY STUFFED!" rather than the more conventional "RUSSELL T DAVIES".
Goofs – The Cloister Bell normally lets out a deep, booming deathly-doomy chime. It normally doesn't play "House of the Rising Sun".
Fashion Victims – The Doctor's hair. I swear on the soul of my tartan thermos, it's growing larger as I watch. He already looks like an inflatable Elvis impersonator...
Technobbable - The TARDIS internal dimensions and their relationship with the rest of the physical universe is defined as the acronym "I'D RATHER BE SURFING". What this stands for is never made clear.
Dialogue Disasters -
The Doctor's baffling statements to break awkward silences:
"I was thinking about setting the world on fire, but wouldn't you know it, it's already burning!"
"To think that there are worlds out there where no one has heard the mating cry of the rednecked chainsaw?"
"Armageddon is over-run with day-trippers, anyway."
"I may not be real, but neither are you!"
"I once spent fifteen years staring at a shoe on Nazi beach!"
"Michaelmas starts today and goes off forever!"
"Our first letter this week comes from Mr E. P. Campion-Clarke of Dulwich Hill, Sydney who writes 'Dear Doctor Who, what amount of high explosives would I need to put me into a permanent orbit around one of the outer planets, yours in anticipation, squiggle'. Pity I have absolutely no idea how to help. Jings!"
"That was the sound of one brain clapping!"
"I'm not dumb but I can't understand ANYTHING I'm saying."
"It's a great day to be alive – just a pity that we're all dead."
"Crack open another six-pack of cheap dreams, Rose – oh, and ring Mr. Infinity. Tell him to give tomorrow the sack!"
"ITV is just technology's answer to the frontal lobotomy. Bring on all you've got, ITV – Patrick Stewart, Stephen Gallagher! NOTHING IN THE WORLD CAN STOP US NOW! Unless a thousand used car salesmen set fire to themselves just in time for the nine o'clock news. We might have something to worry about there, it's just possible."
"Guess what? I'M SICK OF IT!! I DON'T CARE! I'M SICK OF IT ALL, AND I'M GOING TO SAVE THE BLOODY WHALES OR DIE TRYING! And I'm bringing *you* with me!"
Dialogue Triumphs -
The Doctor on his fairy tutu outfit –
"Oh, come on, all I did was change!"
Rose: Are you OK?
Doctor: Rose, look. The regeneration is going wrong. I should never have absorbed all that. I can't actually tell you what's going on. So, instead, I think I'll start gurning. Did I mention you're my soul mate? No? Oh.
Rose: Some find joy and beauty in a humble flower, for me there is only happiness at the end of a five paper spliff or a bottle and even THEY turn against me these days. I think that God just works for Ralph the Bong, anyway, and he's just trying to impress us. Who needs Chris Evans, anyway?
Doctor: Ah, Cardiff! The intoxicating aroma of wild thyme. A glade of pencil pines reaching towards an azure sky. Urbane gorillas, double-headed wombats and the nose with the luminous dons. The Mediterranean, a sparkling iridescent blue jewel. Is the Mediterranean in Cardiff? I was never good at geography. And my head is spinning slightly from a glass of local plonk in a perfect evening for champagne and truffles by lava lamp as the airforce flew over the Sultan's swimming pool of Nubian maidens and showered in rose petals. And I think to myself, this is better than a slap in the guts with a wet calamari. Yes, Cardiff is no longer a fit place for a gentleman which is, of course, why I'm going there. C'est la guerre.
Rose: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WILL YOU *SHUT UP*?!
Doctor: Good lord, what a trollop.
Rose: So, where are we going?
Doctor: Earth, Cardiff, 2006!
Doctor: 2006!! Jings, Rose, if I was into linear time, I'd really relate to that. So, let's all mix metaphors in our own space and place like seventh day adventist hare krishnas!
Rose: You got something on your mind?
Doctor: Yes! About 50 kilos of shrapnel, six phosphorous grenades and a nuclear warhead! Whoooooooooooaaaaa!
UnQuotable Quote –
Doctor: I'm not the world's most Northern man, but I'm glad what I am, that's a man and so is Leela. Glad I mean. She's not a man. Never has been. Hard to disguise in that fur bikini of hers. Definitely... Jings.
Links and References -
At one point the Ninth Doctor swirls into existence and confirms that life is only for "poofs who can't handle death" and that he is now happy in a world of peace, vegetables, love, incense, auras and rainbows – in short, he's no reason for viewers to complain about his tragic exit.
Or maybe I was stoned and hallucinating.
Did anyone else see that scene?
Untelevised Misadventures -
Rose: Where's Jack?
Doctor: Oh, him? Captain Jack's too busy to come with us, he's repopulating the Earth with extreme prejudice!
Rose: How do you know?
Doctor: I've seen it. It was disgusting.
Subtext? WHAT Subtext? -
The Doctor's desperate attempts to re-affirm his identity to Rose by chasing her around the TARDIS with a knife shouting "The bitch must die!" are symptomatic of a socio... logical...
Screw this, I'm off surfing!
Groovy DVD Extras –
Special "get rid of that annoying Children In Need logo and stupid telephone number" option.
Psychotic Nostalgia –
"What the hell was that all about?!"
Viewer Quotes -
"Not half as good as my superior work, which was also called Afterlife. Mind you, most of the same chemicals were used in the plotting process, which just goes to prove my point. You either got it, or you ain't, or the pun is mightier than the sword."
- Tony Attwood (2005)
"The most drug-addled Doctor Who story since The Stoned of Venice!"
- Paul Margrs (2005)
"What did I think of the Children in Need Doctor Who special? Bizarre. Extremely bizarre. But better than the whole of the first season combined. I like David Tennant as the Doctor already! I think our show's in good hands. Tennant was awesome! Tennant is miles better than Eccles! Tennant. Is. A. God!!!!! DAVID TENNANT IS DOCTOR WHO!!!! I Love Tennant!!!!!! More More More More!!! 5/5! Christopher Who? Oh My God, in just 3.5 minutes I'm won over... this guy is gonna rock! Yes... YES!!! YESSS!!!!!!!!! David Tennant... IS... THE DOCTOR!! This is "THE DOCTOR" has we have been waiting for!!! He's BRILLIANT !!!! HE'S SOOOO GOOD! I am going to be dreaming of Tennant, he was SPECTACULAR!! I confidently predict, based on 4 minutes of screen time, that DT is going to be the best doctor in the history of the world!!! I was always impressed that McGann nailed the part in one single outing in a way none bar Hartnell managed but DT manages it in five minutes flat!! The golden years are just around the corner! It looks like Tom will have a challenger for best Doctor in my eyes! He was captivating, different, eccentric, wonderful. He's PureDoctor(tm)! I'm euphoric! Mindlessly happy! So happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, [skip a few happys] happy, happy, that everything is alright! The Ultimate Doctor has arrived!"
- the OG poster who said the *exact* same thing about Christopher Eccleston in March 2005
"The King N Walks. The King N Talks. The King N Watches Three Minutes Of Seriously Mind-Fucking Doctor Who And Gets Confused. 'Sideburns! Mole! Faster! Regeneration's going wrong! Faster! Christmas Eve!' The King N Switches Off. The King N Falls Asleep And Dreams Of Alysson Hannigan And A Flute. Jackpot."
– Nigel "The King N" Verkoff (2005 – after one tic-tac too many)
"I liked it. I'm seeing Tom... I'm seeing Troughton... I'm seeing buckets of new ale with nude nymphs frolicking in it. Must be stoned again. Ah, sometimes I wonder why I go on – life only seems bearable when in an advanced state of altered consciousness, so far off the planet that I no longer know if I'm up Venus or on Uranus."
- Danny the Headhunter (1984)
"What the hell? The new Doctor is Joe Pasquale in a leather jacket impersonating Dudley Moore?!" – Sparacus "Flamingo" Jones (2005)
"It was fantastic - a very cheeky apperitif to whet those yuletide appetites. It was petite, but clever. I enjoyed it immensely. It had a bouquet... The Tenth Doctor is bloody mad and bloody brilliant. He should've strangled Rose, though."
– Auto-Erotic Asphyxiation Monthly (2006)
Billie Piper Speaks!
"What the... This room is full of vampires and spiders! I feel sufficiently transformed and off my asteroid to sign up for a third series! But only if that symbol of bourgeois imperialism is wiped off my windscreen – you can't have your front lawn AND smoke it! Man, Doctor Who sure gets a girl's philosophy gland pumping!"
Christopher Eccleston Speaks!
"Those of you still fucked up by the space-time continuum would probably call this Doctor Who. To me, it's just another incomprehensible bloody mess. Makes the avante-garde look like last week's prawn-heads. I'm dead Northern, I am."
David Tennant Speaks!
"Just what the Doctor ordered! I feel like I've seen it all before! The tower of the hill and the sapphire-studded gold-plated surfboard, born by two virgins from Tasmania on Huntington pier! Yes, it all fits into a pattern. Somebody is trying to tell me something! Yes, my drink has had vast amounts of LSD, speed and opium added to it by that naughty little penguin! THAT'S what they're trying to tell me! Oh, jings! My body's dropped off again! Somebody help it back up, would you?"
Russell T Davies Speaks!
"Have you ever thought about 1980s Doctor Who? What it meant? What it gave you? Apart from the clap, brain damage and leprosy of the soul? When people talk to me about the 1980s I say 'No, thanks, I'm trying to give them up'... WHAT THE FUCK IS IN THIS COFFEE?! IT TASTES OF PEANUTS! THAT SIMPLY JUST *CAN'T* BE GOOD! I must don my Astral Zoot suit and partake of a little Five-Dimensional durry! IT'S FULL BORE INTO THE SUMMER OF '84!"
The November 2005 Emergency Legalization of Recreational Drugs Act had a slight but still-noticeable effect on the production of this story.
Rumors & Facts –
Doctor Who had once already fallen into the sinister furry paws of Pudsey, the ever-so-slightly-psychotic bear in charge of Children in Need. Doctor Who has never really recovered in either the eyes of the public or fans after the truly contemptible 3-Dimensions In Lime, wherein... stuff happened. There was the Rani, and all the Doctors, most of the companions and oddly enough, the entire cast of Eastenders for which this half-hour story was actually completely canonical.
As you can imagine, RTD was convulsing with mortal terror at the thought of not only involving Doctor Who with Children In Need again, but lost control of his bodily functions when the BBC demanded that RTD himself write the story.
After three weeks of painful psychological rehabilitation, RTD was able to focus his attention long enough to realize he was monumentally roggered. Again.
The broadcast date of the Children in Need special was 18 November, 2005 – thirty-six days before the screening of David Tennant's debut story, The Michaelmas Evasion. Since the ratings of the latter depended on everyone tuning in to see what the Tenth Doctor was like, this meant the only conceivable place the CIN sequence could be placed without ruining surprises was directly BEFORE The Michaelmas Evasion but directly AFTER The Parting of the Legs. This was a problem as they had already been written and filmed and critically tolerated as carrying on directly from one another.
Thus, the story would have to feature absolutely nothing happening to the Tenth Doctor and Rose if it was to be even remotely believable.
Unfortunately, it was then that RTD was informed the story had to be a minimum of 210 minutes long – three and a half hours long! (Tragically, it turned out to be a misprint. It was only to be 210 *seconds* long, or three and a half MINUTES).
RTD did the only thing he could. Getting into his jeep and with a rifle full of elephant tranquilizers, he went in search of Rob Shearman in the hope he could re-write his post-modern two-hander script Schizo for the Tenth Doctor and Rose. Only with more awkward silences.
Unfortunately, Shearman was ready and waiting with a bowie knife and RTD ultimately decided to write the scenario himself. Time was running out and whatever money the production team had was already being beaten out of them by Pudsey's hired goons for "charity".
Desperately, RTD realized that if he could get the entire British population stoned off its arse, then they'd happily watch three and a half hours of the Doctor and Rose standing around the TARDIS, doing not much at all in particular!
Donning his Absorbthebleedinlotofyou costume he wears only for state dinners, bah mitzvahs and seances, RTD stormed into the Houses of Parliament with a machine gun and a bag of good acid.
What happened next? Few are sure, many speculate, and absolutely everyone denies they were there at all, each claiming they have cast-iron alibis for the night in question.
All we know is that by the end of it, digital viewers with red buttons were able to do unspeakable things to the TARDIS crew thanks to a sinister script by the one man to write as much Ninth Doctor material as RTD, Gareth Roberts – or "The Mighty Kerr Avon of Rago Rago Six Delta Rago" as he likes to be called nowadays...
I wish I had a digital TV.