Thursday, February 4, 2010

10th Doctor - The Next Doctor (ii)

Book(s)/Other Related -
The Nuts Doctor
There Can Only Be One David Playing The Doctor...
Dr Who & The Twelve Upgrades of Christmas! (Canada Only)
The Superiority Complex Audio Dramas Doctor Who Range

Roots –
Everyone thought RTD was ripping off There Can Only Be One Doctor with the idea of a con man who tries to pretend he’s an all-knowing time traveler to screw terrified governments out of cash to defeat aliens – but really, he was ripping off Inuit in Hull about a complete sad-act fan who actually thinks he IS such a person. Except it turns out there’s someone even MORE pathetic than Nicholas Briggs... Dave Segal.

Fluffs - David Tennant seemed SCAD-shitless for most of this story.
"He is NOT the next Doctor! He’s a very naughty boy!"

"The-rusted-chains-of-prison-moons-are-shattered-by-the-sun. I-walk-around-horizons-change-the-tournaments-begun. The-purple-piper-plays-his-tune-the-choir-softly-sing-three-lullabyes-in-an-ancient-tongue-for-THE-COURT-OF-THE-CYBER-KING!"

Goofs -
How EXACTLY did Hamilton having a temper tantrum destroy the Cybermen?
I suppose the set dressers deserve credit for realizing that there weren’t baubles and lights on Christmas trees in the 19th century, but rather slices of orange dangling from the branches. But they were REAL oranges, not CHOCOLATE oranges! God damn it.
Dave Segal’s sonic screwdriver is Phillips head in some scenes and a novelty vibrator in others.
Several of the orphans can be heard complaining this story is rubbish because Donna Noble isn’t in it.
The past Doctor montage doesn’t actually show any past Doctors – unless I’ve been really, REALLY wasted all these years and the true canonical Doctors were Simon Callow, Simon Russell Beale, Ian Hart, Daniel Day Lewis, Rufus Sewell, Graeme Garden, David Warner, Douglas Camfield, Mark Gatiss, Patterson Joseph and Peter Cushing...
How come there’s a tower bridge in 1851 when it wasn’t completed in 1894? I’m beginning to think this story isn’t 100 per cent historically accurate! And after all the trouble they went to creating a giant kaiju-sized robot of death, they get a crucial historical detail like that wrong... it totally ruins the credibility of the rest of the episode!

Fashion Victims -
Dara’s low cut school girl outfit and crotchless, spiked red leather underwear. To quote the Doctor: "Can I say I completely disapprove?"

Technobbable -
"Wait a minute! I think I’ve got it! We’re looking at it the wrong way. Instead of thinking of the polarity of the neutron flow as a thing, a phenomenon, think of it as a being! Let's call it Fred. Now look at it: Fred IS the polarity of the neutron flow! If the polarity of the neutron flow IS the polarity of the neutron flow, then what is the polarity of a neutron flow? AND CAN IT BE REVERSED?!"
"...what in the name of god are you talking about?"

Dialogue Disasters -

Dave Segal: Ta-da! Sonic screwdriver!
Doctor: Is that your sonic screwdriver?
Dave Segal: Yes.
Doctor: But that’s... a screwdriver. An ordinary screwdriver. How is it ANY WAY sonic? Honestly, you think Character Options weren’t making perfect replicas by the dozen for crying out loud!

Dave Segal: On Gallifrey we had a saying: "The chosen choose to be chosen."
Doctor: Um. No. That’s the Vulcans.
Dave Segal: I only said we say it a lot. I didn’t say we made it up.
Doctor: Jings, you really ARE pathetic, aren’t you?

Dave Segal: Look beyond the scarf and coat and frizzy hair and book of Tom Baker quotations and you will see that I am a unique and original incarnation of... What’s that noise?!
Doctor: Me. Sniggering.
Dave Segal: How would you like a trip to the sun?!?
Doctor: ...what the hell are on about? Is that supposed to be a threat or something? Jings, give me strength!

Dara: My people! Like, why aren’t they rejoicing?
Cyberman: Because-you-are-stomping-on-their-houses-in-a-bloody-great-robot-of-course! Silly-woman.

The Doctor’s speech about his lack of companions -
"They leave. Because they should. Because they find someone else. And some of them tend to die horribly in a terrible miscalculation of mine. But I suppose, in the end, some of them break my hearts. And others just won’t get the fucking message!!"

Dave Segal: This is hardy the right time to go through my social calendar!
Doctor: Why not?
Dave Segal: Because... because I don’t HAVE a social calendar.

Priest: Dressed like a harlot!
Dara: Oh, and how would YOU know? ZING! Man, this old priest HASN’T been soliciting prostitutes! Now you’ll lose all cred in front of his posse! It’s funny, now I think of it, but in all these years not one of you has asked my first name. It’s DARA!
Priest: Ah, good to know. Fuck you, Dara.

Dialogue Triumphs -

Dara: But you promised me! Oh my God, you so totally said that I’d never ever ever be converted!
Cyberman: That-was-designated-a-lie. Bitch.

Dave Segal: I seem to be telling you everything... as if you have engendered.. some sort of... trust. Is this... what you humans call... 'love'?
Doctor: No. You’re just very, very easy to manipulate.

Dave Segal: Ladies and Gentlemen, I am the man who saved you all! I am the Doctor! Know that I have been reusing old dialogue and plot devices a thousand times but not once, no sir, not once, not ever have I ever been thanked for providing such high quality entertainment! But no more. For I say to you on this Michaelmas morn, "DAVE SEGAL ROCKS! DAVE SEGAL ROCKS!" Come on, everybody! I am CANONICAL, godammit!

Dara: I could do this forever.
Dave Segal: Good. Because if we manage another year we’ll have been producing SCADs non-stop longer than the BBC has been producing Doctor Who non-stop!
Dara: As long as you use OUR definition of "non-stop".
Dave Segal: Precisely, Brotodac. Precisely. Do you realize, Dara, that once the fan base accepts us as the one true source of Doctor Who material, we will have the power to do anything! Anything at all! Absolute power over every particle of the franchise, as of that moment. Are you LISTENING to the SCADs, Dara? Because if you’re not, I can MAKE you listen to them! I can do anything! ONCE THOSE CRETINS ON OUTPOST GALLIFREY REALIZE THE TRUTH, THERE WILL BE NO SUCH THING AS FREE WILL! THERE IS ONLY ONE WILL IN THE UNIVERSE! MINE! BECAUSE I AM THE ONE TRUE DOCTOR! NICHOLAS BRIGGS CAN GO HANG!!!
Dara: Oh! My! God! Megalomania is like so totally random!

Dara: There is hot pie for everyone if you help switch on the giant robot and help me destroy civilization as you know it.

Dave Segal: Doctor! Don’t you have something to live for?
Doctor: More than you do, ya spineless goon!

Dara: You can’t do this to me!
Cyberman: Incorrect. It-is-done.
Dara: But I would have totally slept with you anyway!
Cybermen: Your-ego-is-riddled-with-stupidity-and-inadequacies. These-have-no-place-in-a-Cyber-libido. Lack-of-acting-talent-has-tormented-you-your-whole-life! Now-you-will-be-set-free! This-will-give-you-on-screen-charisma-and-presence!
Dara: You’re not even, like, asking permission! Have you no decency?
Cyberman: Correct. The-Queen-Bitch-will-roll-over-tonight.
Cybermen: All-hail-the-Queen-Bitch.

Doctor: So YOU’RE the Doctor. The next Doctor? The next-but-one? A future Doctor anyway that just so happens to be an exact mimic of a past Doctor? What the hell happened to turn you into such an unimaginative carbon copy?
Dave Segal: I’m not entirely sure. It happened in a story called "Crucible of Error" which hasn’t been shown yet due to quality issues.
Doctor: Riiight. So, how did you regenerate? Nasty incident with a pool cue?
Dave Segal: May have been. Then again I may have just tripped over a brick.
Doctor: Jings. That IS embarrassing.
Dave Segal: But it would have been painless.
Doctor: Depends on the brick.
Dave Segal: There are worse ways to go.
Doctor: Um. No. Actually I can say with honest sincerity that tripping over a brick would be the worst way to go.
Dave Segal: Would you like a jelly baby?
Doctor: ...don’t change the subject!
Dave Segal: You ask a lot of questions.
Doctor: Yeah... you’re not used to creative criticism, are you?

UnQuotable Quote -

Links and References -
The Doctor mentions Sally Sparrow and the Weeping Angels in the vain hope there’s a new series episode Dave Segal might like:
"I’m getting a blank. Ooh, Blank? Did you see that one?"

Untelevised Misadventures -
The Doctor speaks nostalgically of his last visit to 1851 Cardiff and the truly disturbing life swaps he, Charley Pollard and Cecil Rizz Esquire got up to ("Other Lies" by Witchfinder Matthew Hopkins).

Groovy DVD Extras -
RealMedia files of SCAD title sequences, usually 410 times less visually coherent and interesting than the ones they’re nakedly ripping off. The Vincent Savage version with Jon Pertwee gangsta rapping DOES have a certain something, it should be noted.

The Spite of Sparacus -
"I was not impressed by the pre-credit sequence which was silly and comedic and doesn’t bode well for the whole episode, which I refuse to watch an average, too-fast-paced, wafer-thin-plotted new series romp panto-Cyber-dogs and a lack of Adam Rickitt. I am not a complete knobhead and am well aware that there may well be explanations given in the full episode that I don’t yet know. I openly accept that I don’t know much about the plot of this episode and have no intention to change this. But I said any episode without Adam Rickitt would be utterly crap and my advance fears were proven to be correct! I was accused of jumping the gun and I’d say I was pretty near the mark, wouldn’t you?

My point is that the two minutes I HAVE seen strongly suggest that there is a massive problem with Cybermen from Irth arriving on Earth in the 19th century? This makes no sense! And, yes, the story might explain such a potential plot hole, but I didn’t watch it, so the problem still stands. It’s not half as pleasing as Meg Lost, is it? I mean, the Doctor just HAPPENS to land the TARDIS conveniently at the exact time and place that the Cybermen are mucking about?! "Birrova coincidence or whaa?" as a chav would say. In fact, the Doctor is ALWAYS landing where there is adventure which is ridiculously too far-fetched and massively coincidental! It defies logic and undermines the quality and believability of the episode, making it so hard to take seriously! FUN IS IMMATURE!

Around 46 hours before it actually DID screen, I got very excited about this story and bought myself a bottle of Laphroaig single malt to enjoy when it was on, but I drained it one gulp and only later regained consciousness after the stomach pump. And while I was under the influence I reportedly tried to kill Russell T Davies. This sounds like a possible damage limitation exercise because it’s obvious I would have politely and calmly advised Russell to replace the alt-universe Cybermen with another alien race or robots rather than trying to beat him to death. That Welsh fag is trying to unseat my from my high reputation as the living heart of Colchester’s VIBRANT Whovian community! Yes, there’s me and a Goth who collects DWM back issues and has put a restraining order on me to come no closer than 200 miles from his disused side-street comic store!"

Viewer Quotes -

"Overall, The Michaelmas Imposter is the weakest of the Christmas specials. And as for Dave Segal, well, no words can really describe how bad he is... Blegh." - Jym de Natale (2009)

"I wish RTD would give up this tiresome habit of DEFINITELY KILLING OFF MONSTERS/VILLAINS FOREVER AND EVER only to have some fall through a crack in time or whatever and survive every bloody time. It worked reasonably well in Dustbin –vs- Cyberman but now it’s just irritating! Oh for the good old days of JST where they didn’t even BOTHER to give an explanation and just insulted the intelligence of the audience? The Michaelmas Imposter is crude fan fiction, not a bit as good as my divine work The Twin Doctors or Equilateral, my new SCAD story! David Segal, a man with a vision big fat gay Welshmen can only DREAM OF!"
- K.Y. Ron Mallet (2009)

"Is Dave Segal truly the Doctor? I say, no, the Matrix is lying and Janet killed them all! This is my new answer for anything concerning Doctor Who." - Charles Daniels (2008)

"Nice twist! So David Segal is the Doctor in his mind, but a Doctor subconsciously playing the part of Charles Bronson in Deathwish VI: Cybermanslaughter! Go get them, mate! Rip them a new one! Let’s have a three minute massacre scene set to Rage Against the Machine’s Bulls on Parade!" - Nigel Verkoff while high on eggnog (2008)

"The word 'pathetic' is overused with regards to the SCADs. But I do think they merit it." - Kevin Rudd (2009)

- Chip Jamison (2009)

"There’s obviously nothing interesting to say about The Michaelmas Imposter, so why do people keep asking me to review it? Just because I’m an incredibly well-known and messianically-popular internet critic doesn’t mean I have to act according to YOUR ridiculous preconceptions! I don’t have to do ANYTHING! And yet BBC Wales still don’t get down on their knees and beg me to run Doctor Who like it should be run! What kind of insane reality must I live in??" - Lawrence Miles (2007)

"My sister, who is a huge fan, hated it. My dad said it was the worst hour of his life. My grandma left half way through then complained about crap on the TV all the time. My mum kept reminding me about how we were missing whatever on other channels. My brother left after about 40 minutes saying it was boring. I hate my family. If I could be arsed, I’d kill the lot of them with an axe." - Dave Restal (2009)

"Doctor Who could only manage a paltry 11.7 million viewers on the ONE DAY of the YEAR when they are GUARANTEED lots of viewers? What is the deal with that? It seems like Doctor Who really is losing its grip and appeal with the viewing public! They should call it a day and allow the show to fade away gracefully! The public have seen through RTD’s deceitful attempts to achieve high viewing figures! YOU GOT BEATEN! AT CHRISTMAS! BY ANIMATED PLASTICINE FIGURES! TOTAL EMBARRASSMENT!"
- Nick Parkes (2008)

"The bleary-eyed, nose-gloope evacuation and compromised memory of Lemsip, Aspirin, galleons of Benylin Blackcurrant cough syrup have become a distant experience. Like a sumptuous Plum Pudding, The Michaelmas Imposter teems with richness, depth, lovingly-prepared with a sought-after sixpence within. The ensemble piece satisfactorily resolved itself like the dancing blue flame atop an ignited alcohol consumed previously mentioned Plum Pudding. An audience replete!"
- The Unpublished Target Novel "Doctor Who and the Cooking Analogies"

"So anyway The Michaelmas Imposter has a bogus Doctor, a pastiche-y Victorian setting AND is meant to finally do justice to the Cybermen? I doubt it. I really do. And I know Ewen will write up one of his BF guides about it and mock the Cybermen for not being worth a story on their own and being too pissweak next to the Dustbins and in some ways he has a point but it almost depresses me for seeming to be so near the mark to fandom's attitude towards the Doctor’s silver nemesis. I’m a right bastard so MAKE ME SOMETHING BETTER!!!"
- Jared "No Nickname" Hansen (2009)

"So rich in invention, it’s a dance with God. Any God. Your God. The Next God. Heroin makes me happy in ways RTD and Doctor Who never could."
- another insightful Eye of Saurus editorial (2008)

"I must say that I was a little disappointed by this episode. It could have been a grim epic of despair and personal damnation, but it ended up stuff children were allowed to watch! If only the Doctor had allowed all the small children to die, and then Dave Segal committed suicide when the Cybermen liquefied vast hordes of people in blood-caked gore and Dara should have been converted with her blood drained, flesh torn away and brain surgery, not a stupid tinfoil hat! Doctor Who shouldn’t be bloodless and upbeat, it should show no mercy to anyone or anything! EVERYONE knows The Wizard of Oz would have been better had the Witch killed Dorothy and raped her corpse!"
- the truly terrifying Risk Manager who I fear I may have met at a convention once (I think he was the one jacking off to Touchwood screaming "Oh, yeah, you like it, don’t you Owen, you dirty slut!")

"Ice cold killer brings death’s sweet darkness. Robots sanction my extreme unction. Clockwork ciphers delete my soul. Tell me: who lies dead among the Cybermen? The answer? Dave Segal. But how long can they keep him underground?" - Black Science Geezer (2009)

"Oh, well burn in hell you shitty fan audios! ALLONZEEE!"
- Andrew Beeblebrox (2008)

David Tennant Speaks!
"Ever since I became the Doctor, people always ask me when I’m leaving. Ah. To leave, or not to leave: that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fandom, or to stay longer than Tom Baker himself and, by typecasting, end my career? To be, or not to be, that is the question. Well. More of *A* question really. Not THE question. Because, jings, I mean, there are billions of questions out there, and well, when I say billions, I mean, when you add in the answers, not just the questions, jings, you’re looking at numbers that are positively astronomical! I’ll be back in 2009, though. I can’t imagine ANYONE else playing him – I’m too self-centered, but one day someone else will have as much fun as I do. In 2010, for example."

Dave Segal Speaks!
"I know I want to see Dave Segal again! Who else does? He was a better Doctor than that loser geek Tennant, not to mention a better actor with such emotional range! I for one would love to see another story featuring him – he’s a great character who deserves to return! Hell, this loveable character deserves better than a guest spot in Touchwood – he deserves his OWN SPIN OFF! Bah, for such a cracking performance as the Doctor, there will be mass suicides when it becomes clear he is not taking over the role for real! Anyone who says otherwise is a godless heathen, a despicable disciple of Satan! My name? Vincent Savage!"

Sheri Devine Speaks!
"Miss Tartigan was an amazing villain with a grandiose modus operandi! I was gutted that she exploded at the end, rather than becoming an ongoing character a bit like the Borg Queen or Margaret Thatcher! What a SEXY performance TINGED WITH RED! Yes, and Dara deserves to be made a full-time companion! She’s everything a companion needs to be – AND MORE! Doctor Who can show us all what her character can do! She’s fantastic, she’s got great hair, and she’s properly young and feisty! And even though everyone is saying she was a complete disappointment, just like the story as a whole, well... YOU SMELL! Or is it me? Yes, it’s me. Oh, hang on, my Colostomy Bag’s come loose again..."

Russell T Davies Speaks!
"It’s not exactly subtle, but then I’m a firm believer that there are some people in this world who cannot comprehend the concept of subtlety. And some of those losers are in this story. Can you spot them? But something you probably HAVEN’T spotted is that brazier. Keep an eye out for it. It’s in every single bloody scene. I think that brazier might be an evil enemy of the Doctor. It even LOOKS like Dustbin! But, of all the hot Cyber action and a crew on the brink of exhaustion, the biggest unanswered question is 'Why didn’t the history books mention a giant robot in 1851?' The answer is, of course, this is a work of FICTION you morons. And besides, it would make the SCAD losers canonical if it was!"

Steven Moffat Speaks!
"I’m going to be honest and fans may hate me for it, but they have to remember that I am a fan MYSELF. A proper list-making-borderline-autistic fan. I am head mingmong. I’m King Ming. And this story completely sucked. I’m off to watch Season 18 again when they all took it seriously and the companions wore school girl outfits they could actually carry off without looking like a dirty whore grandma!"

Robert Shearman Speaks!
"The Michaelmas Imposter was a great story, but when it comes to two Doctors teaming up to fight ridiculously camp monsters I prefer A Hitch with the Snotarans. A story which, I’m quite sure all TRUE fans will recognize as a bona fide classic. Does anyone REALLY think David Segal’s performance will be as fondly remembered in minutes to come as the towering offered by Gareth Jenkins? I think not."

Trivia -
According to the 2009 census, not a single human being on the planet has actually heard of the SCADs and thus the satire is totally wasted.

Rumors & Facts -
As had become tradition at Christmas, children everywhere were listening out for that telltale sound that promises delight, excitement and the best present you can wish for – no, not the sleigh bells and the clomp of reindeer hooves on the roof, but the comforting vworping of the TARDIS materializing in snowy Victorian Cardiff full of well-fit young girls with huge boobs. The presents and the family and the turkey are all well and good but what we all REALLY care about is evening rolling around so we can shut everyone up and settle down in front of the Doctor Who Christmas Special to see psycho machine-gun-wielding aliens and sexy babes copping off with David Tennant.

To think that in a mere three years that this series has become a cornerstone of the biggest day in TV with full frontal nudity, werewolves, zombies, Kylie Minogue and some truly filthy sexual connotations. Oh, we are so FICKLE nowadays!

After doing Christmas specials in contemporary Cardiff, historical Cardiff, and alien recreations of the Titanic several million miles directly above contemporary Cardiff, it was clear that the next one would have to be slightly different so no one could accuse the production team of being stale and running out of steam – which Doctor Who had been regularly accused of every day since 1962, technically before it ever even existed.

Once more, focus group Hidden Persuaders PLC insisted that the next Christmas special should really have been shown not at Christmas but on the 23rd of November 2008 to celebrate Doctor Who’s fortieth anniversary. This time they also wanted the story to not only feature David Tennant but also Tom Baker, Peter Davison, Colin Baker, Sylvester McCoy, Paul McGann, Christopher Eccleston and Mark Gattis.

Executive Producer Russell T Davies insisted he was doing a story about Cybermen in Victorian Cardiff and the focus group immediately demanded it feature the Doctor calling upon Rose and Touchwood to help him take down the Cyber army. In fact, they suggested the Christmas special should be cancelled to finally make Rose Tyler Décolletage with Billie Piper trying to hunt down the Doctor through time and defeat the evil Hugh Grant and Julia Roberts with the aide of the Valeyard.

At this point RTD told Hidden Persuaders PLC they were no longer required for Doctor Who, indeed they never HAD been required, and unless they left the premises immediately, he would hunt them all down and kill them with Terileptil hunting knives borrowed from Robert Shearman.

While looking through his own DWMs for inspiration, RTD was impressed when he discovered a comic strip called "Social Lives" where the Seventh Doctor and Ace visit a multi-versal piss-up at Milliways, the Restaurant at the End of the Universe and encounter the Nicholas Briggs Doctor and Ria from the infamously unpopular Oddly Visual audio range. Delighted at the horror of having a sadact fan appear as the Doctor in a proper story, RTD immediately came up with a cliffhanger where David Tennant regenerated into Nicholas Briggs.

It then struck the writer that he’d already used that in the 2008 season finale, and he’d have to come up with something else. Still mildly infatuated with the idea of incredibly bad fan audio Doctors appearing in the canonical TV series, RTD idly surfed the Doctor Who Web Guide (Tetraptaryarbus Version 2.0) and stumbled across the SCADs, the Superiority Complex Audio Dramas, a long-running fan-made audio series which had remained in almost completely obscurity since 1982, even AFTER the invention of the internet and online fandom.

Amazed at the handful of rather peculiar American fans who, after over 27 years of production had yet to find original music, plots or even halfway decent actors and their vociferous abuse of him personally – not only was RTD gay, he was Welsh, talented and made Doctor Who stories that people actually bothered to remember. These were three very good reasons to despise him utterly and consider him unworthy of writing for the great Who franchise, which the SCADs seemed to think was their property and theirs alone.

RTD decided that this was just what he needed: an arrogant bunch of talentless so-and-sos humiliated in front of millions of viewers worldwide as their staggering lack of ability was demonstrated in BBC high-definition for the rest of time. After changing the setting from Milliways to Cardiff, Nick Briggs and Ria to Dave Segal and Dara, and Beep the Meep for a Cyberman invasion phalanx, "SCAD This!!!" was fully transformed into RTD’s next BAFTA-award-winner.

Originally entitled Intense Encounters With The Doctor Who Wasn’t The Other Doctor, the storyline was then known as Attack of Mister Stompy, The Enemy of Death, A Tale of Two Fanbases, The Waking Elevation Surge of the Cybermen. When Benjamin Cook suggested to make the title more honest, so it was renamed Is He? Isn't He? You Decide!, then The Twist Is There Is No Twist before finally settling for Let’s See How High We Can Push These Ratings Using a Cheap Bait and Switch. At the last minute, however, RTD remembered the tradition of inaccurately titling Christmas episodes "The Michaelmas Noun" and changed the title again.

Chosen to play the deranged Not-The-Next Doctor was Martin Clunes, but he sniffed in distaste at the measly thirty six thousand pounds offered for his services and reminded RTD he had never really forgiven the previous regime for the ignominies he suffered in the Peter Davison episode "Snakedate" where he had been forced to wear a foam snake outfit and have a romantic dinner with the Fifth Doctor. Ultimately, Dave Segal was offered the chance to play himself and, like the idiot he is, he accepted the job with no questions asked. Sheri Devine was simply kidnapped from the old people’s home she was staying at without her permission or consent – not that she was lucid enough to give either.

RTD researched deeply the SCADs’ back catalogue... well, he looked them up on a fan wikipedia site, read a review and managed to sit through one of their many remakes of Return of the Cybermen. His mild dislike of the audios grew to the point RTD also considered writing a full-length BBC Books novel, set in the midst of that brief scene where the Doctor crushes Dave Segal’s pathetic illusions where the Doctor pops out back to the TARDIS and has a proper adventure with Magenta Price, Katie Darling, Heather McCrimmon, Will Spender, Wolfgang Ryter and basically confirm that Doctor Who Adventures magazine, Bottles In Time comic, VR Doctor Who online and DWM Comic Strip were all canon. Unlike the SCADs. He then decided this was giving the American fundamentalist losers even more credit than they deserved and completely forgot about the idea, which survives only as an email to Benjamin Cook which he completely forgot to delete.

To cut to the chase, RTD was more than confident that he could do the SCADs justice by giving them as much effort and thought as they gave their own work. Which was why he had the whole script for the story printed in his book, The Welshman’s Tale, which was released some six months before the episode was screened. Fans everywhere read the script and assumed that it was a cunning double bluff and no GENUINE episode could feature such pathetic, foul-minded and talentless creatures of fandom (well, not after Love & Pizzas, anyway). Frankly, the idea of people capable of recording such perverse rubbish, to have written for common denominators lower than man has ever gone, to have plunged the depths of degradation just in order to remake 1975 Tom Baker stories... IT JUST **HAD** TO BE MADE UP!!

Convinced that this script was a pack of lies, fans began to speculate as to what RTD could be hiding – never suspecting that the big guy had broken a habit of a lifetime and was, just this once, telling them the absolute gospel truth. Even the production team suspected some kind of bluff and patiently waited for the revelation that the next special would be a direct rewrite of the previous one, The Michaelmas cruise, only with Cheryl Cole instead of Kylie Minogue and set on board the Hindenburg rather than the Titanic.

Soon, rumors began to abound that this story would be the final one of the Tenth Doctor, triggering his regeneration into to the Robert Carlyle Doctor. This turned out to be a complete lie spread about by Mad Larry the Pirate King, and thanks to an internet variation of Chinese Whispers, word spread that the Eleventh Doctor would also be Harry Lloyd (who would team up with Jenny and Felicity Kendall) while simultaneously also being Daniel Radcliffe, David Thewlis, Rhys Ifans, Lilly Allen and John Simm as a parallel universe Doctor who regenerates into two beings, good and evil, who then body swap for no apparent reason.

These rumors had amazing staying power thanks to the sheer bloody mindedness of fans. They still believed them when David Tennant announced it was "a load of old bollocks". They still believed it when The Michaelmas Imposter came and went with absolutely no such regeneration. They still believed it when David Tennant properly announced his departure and they still believed it when Matt Smith was chosen as his successor as part of the carefully-calculated BBC strategy codenamed "Operation Cobra". They still believe it right now. Bunch of subnormal freaks. Avoid them say I.

The special was filmed during the April of 2008 at Gloucester Cathedral, St Woolos Cemetery in Newport, and in the streets of Gloucester, where shooting was hampered by up to 1000 onlookers – all of which were convinced that this was a con job and not only was this story a bluff, but that David Tennant’s presence was a trick to keep the Nick Briggs Doctor’s arrival in Journey till Dawn a surprise.

We were really in denial back then for some reason, huh?

In desperation to complete filming without boneheads shouting, "Get real! You’re fooling no one! Where’s Cheryl Cole?", the cast and crew retreated to the sets for Touchwood and turn their main setting, the Touchwood Hub, into a generic Victorian OHS deathtrap by the cunning use of Indian drapes, a lava lamp and some coal. Nevertheless, John Barrowman regularly interrupted proceedings by trying to have sex with the Cyberman extras, insisting that this wasn’t a REAL story, just a film set to trick spoiler-hunting internet fans and Sun journalists.

The Michaelmas Imposter would be the hardest and most difficult production for Design Millennium FX – no matter what they did, it ended up far too convincing and intelligent to be passed off as American überfan crap. Take for example their Cybermen, who were originally the new design with added rivets and a copper finish. Even their cruder designs, all angular and blocky, was too sophisticated.

RTD decided the right approach was to simply give the SCAD team some cardboard boxes, stick-back plastic and marker pens and make their own Cybermen helmets. The laughable results, with their distinctive couldn’t-even-get-the-handlebars-at-the-right-angle and weird tongue holes, were augmented with torn up garbage bags to cover the bodies but not restrict movement. After pissing himself at the brain-meltingly awful outfits – AND the SCAD team’s insistence they were far better than the 'silver Iron Man fetish gear' BBC Wales had come up with – RTD managed to control his breathing enough to give the new costumes the go ahead before he needed a lie-down.

Originally, Dara/Hamilton’s transformation into the QueenBitch was to be done by giving Sheri Devine black contact lenses and getting the Mill to CGI out any traces of white. However, the SCAD team spat in the face of Julie Gardner and called her a "Buffy-loving media sell out whore" since something similar was once done with Willow in Season 6 (and in Sapphire and Steel, but the SCAD gang are hardly smart enough to know THAT, are they?). Instead they decided that Dara should be given a crown of suitable Victorian design and beauty... which ultimately took the form of jamming a Cornflakes packet over Devine’s head and poking eyeholes in it so it looked a bit like a Cyberman.

RTD’s response to this was an awestruck, "Oh my lord, why haven’t you people killed yourselves by now?"

The biggest change to the plot was the original ending to the tale. Originally, Dara/Hamilton destroyed her Cybergroupies and, as the QueenBitch fell to the earth, the Doctor would call out to her saying, "Do something good for once in your worthless career and save them!" Dara/Hamilton would then redeem herself if not her acting, by causing the QueenBitch to disperse in a mighty flash of CGI.

However, Segal and the Christian SCAD team were unhappy with this oh-so-convenient ending relying on some jerk sacrificing their life for the greater good – like THAT would ever happen on a religious festival! They were of the opinion this was a typical "magic wand" ending reinforcing their opinion RTD had to be removed from his position and then surgically experimented on until he stopped writing Scooby Doo episodes.

As he possessed "some good intelligence", Segal decided the second half needed spicing up by giving the Doctor a convenient Dustbin Dimension Jumper to stop Cardiff being crushed by a giant robot. This, argued the SCADs, was a far better way to write the Doctor out of the corners than the shit RTD constantly come up with. "Oh, and you are WAY too sensitize," Segal added. "Toughen up!"

RTD capitulated, but was on record that he prided himself that he never allowed anything to go out under his name if there was a better ending to it than the one which was actually transmitted. This is of course incredibly ironic as the ending of the story was being filmed.

You see, Patterson Joseph had failed to get the job of the Eleventh Doctor. Of course, Joseph didn’t have any special love for being the Doctor, but he DID sure as hell hate to fail an audition and so he took his revenge by storming the filming of the final scenes dressed as a Time Lord, drop-kicked Segal and ran inside the police box prop laughing like a madman. Although Joseph was then politely escorted off the property and the scene was filmed properly, his loyal subordinates stole the 'correct' footage and so when The Michaelmas Imposter was screened, the ending was the new, Patterson Joseph-filled one.

This ending was thus seen by 11.71 million viewers on Christmas Day 2008, a 50.5% share of the 18:00 timeslot in which it was shown! More people watched Wallace and Gromit’s A Matter of Loaf and Death because for some reason plasticine serial killers murdering bakers appeals to a festive audience more than giant Cybermen destroying olde Cardiff town, which is why first degree homicide of suspiciously intelligent dogs got an appreciation index figure score two more than The Michaelmas Imposter! Nick Parkes, you JAMMY BASTARD!!!

Anyway, this "new" ending was, in short, a complete disaster. Fans everywhere went absolutely ape shit at this unexpected cliffhanger that left the TARDIS under the control of Patterson Joseph and the Doctor marooned in 1851 in an uncontrollable hot air balloon, while bookies everywhere made a mint as the public concluded that the Eleventh Doctor WAS Joseph. The production for the rest of the 2009 specials was completely and utterly screwed, and the set up for the Steven Moffat era itself was in danger of extinction!

So, pretty much, business as usual, as you can imagine.

Meanwhile, David Tennant continued his baffling desire to sing in every episode in a scene which made it clear to me that I’m going to have to give up all the booze and drugs on Christmas Day if I’m going to make it through a new episode of Doctor Who without questioning my own grip on reality as I have hitherto known it...

Please tell me someone else saw this scene.

(The Doctor strides straight towards Dave Segal and sings straight into his face.)

Doctor: You keep lying instead of facing facts!
And you keep losing when you ought not to bet!
Why keep quoting Tom Baker if you really can act?
Now, what’s right is right – and you ain’t been right yet!

(Dave Segal turns and stalks off. Rolling his eyes, the Doctor follows, even as Dave Segal hastily doubles back.)

Doctor: No one likes your fan audios!
Hardly anyone knows they’re there!
One of these days you’re gonna twig
That no one really cares!

(Dave Segal tries to get past the Doctor, but cannot and soon they are turning in a circle, pressing their foreheads together as they glare into each other’s eyes.)

Dave Segal: You keep winning BAFTAS you shouldn’t be winning!
And you keep thinking that you’re actually canon! HAH!
I just re-edited your wikipage, yeah!
And what I know, you ain’t had time to learn!

(Embracing each other, they start to do the tango.)

Dave Segal: I’ve played the Doctor for over a decade
It’s just what I do!
Any minute all of fandom
Will choose me over you!

(Dave Segal throws the Doctor to the floor. Dave Segal sneers.)

Dave Segal: Are you ready fans? START POSTING ON OG!!

(The Doctor stares at him, hands in pockets for a long moment. Nothing happens. Dave Segal’s face falls. The Doctor winks. Cut to a fruit machine coming up with three David Tennants.)

will return in

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