Serial XMAS-06 – The Michaelmas Werewolf
An Alternate Program Guide by Ewen Campion Clarke
From An Entry In The EC Unauthorized Guide O' C Tooth & Law!
"YOA's Discontinuity Guides - Inaccurate But Caring."
Serial XMAS-06 – The Michaelmas Werewolf -
Aboard the TARDIS, the Doctor has just been dumped by Rose Tyler and Arthur the horse. "If she hadn’t fallen through that time rift, we’d probably be visiting new worlds, strange alien civilizations, trying new sexual positions... Bloody Touchwood messing around with causality. If those bastards had left alone, none of this would have happened! I... have just had... a WICKED idea..."
The Time Lord starts programming the time machine purely on the instincts of a spurned lover to head back through time and space to avert the creation of the Touchwood Institute itself! Without Touchwood, the events of the previous story cannot happen – and, true, half of Big Finish’s output will vanish and two thirds of the universe will explode as the casual nexus itself unravels, but this a Billie Piper we’re talking about! It HAS to be worth it!
The police box crashes to a halt on a windy hillside and the Doctor emerges to see a procession of monks pulling a large carriage. At first the Doctor thinks that Touchwood must have originated from a religious sect that couldn’t take abstinence and celibacy, snapped one day and have been bonking day and night for the last century and a half.
Sneaking after them, the Doctor follows the monks to a stately home where a butch Scottish stereotype from Monarch of the Glen meets them. This Steward explains that the monks are not welcome for their prudish attitude and total lack of humor.
The leader of the monks, Father Antonioni, with the calm precision of all religious maniacs replies, "We want only one thing. This house. We will take the house."
"Would you like my wife while you’re at it?" asks Jacob the Steward. "I mean, we’re all swingers round these parts, eh?"
"Women will not be necessary. Only the house. If you won’t stand aside, then we’ll take it by force."
"Mmmm. I like where this is going," says Jacob the Steward seductively.
Gripped by a massive fear of latent homosexuality, Father Antonioni suddenly thrusts a staff into the Steward’s stomach, knocking him to the ground. He kicks him across the yard and then signals for his monks to drop their cloaks.
From the gate, the Doctor watches a Matrix-style fast-shot martial arts sequence follows as the monks proceed the beat the living snot out of the household staff inside and outside the house, and finally Sir Roger Blake is bludgeoned unconcious.
"Jings..." the Time Lord whispers. "These BBC Ident monks seem to be trying to destroy Touchwood before I can. Good old fundamentalist killjoys! Scottish kung-fu monks – best in the cosmos! I wonder if they are in an alliance with the skateboarders and the tap-dancers?"
Soon every speaking part of the household has been rounded up, handcuffed together and thrown into the cellar where the monks have conveniently placed the carriage. The Steward and the Lady of the House, clearly believing this all to be a naughty game ask Father Antioni what surprise is under the canvas.
Father Antonio prays that God has mercy on the souls of Touchwood House for what they get up to when the lights go out, and removes the cloth covering the cage before him and the servants whistle in appreciation and dub the contents: "kinky".
Outside the Doctor is planning his next move when his TARDIS key starts to glow with an unearthy golden light. The Time Lord realizes with growing despair what this means as, just down the road, a police box identical to his own wheezes into existence.
It turns out that the Tenth Doctor and Rose at some point got caught up in the creation of Touchwood early in their time together and never actually realized it, so now the Doctor has ANOTHER messy causal paradox to avoid unless he REALLY wants to get blacklisted by the remaining higher powers of creation!
Inside the TARDIS, the Doctor and Rose are fresh from abandoning Mickey and Jackie in the Powell Estate, so for any losers trying to fit this story chronology it actually occurs during the opening credits of "Earth 2.0". Satisfied?
The Younger Doctor busies himself, having found a CD of the Sex Pistols on the console and slides it into the main computer to play. "Y’see, Rose, I’m still not quite fully regenerated," he explains. "My very soul is still malleable, everything’s in flux. I mean, do I still enjoy agonizing 1970s punk rock? No idea. Only one way to find out!"
As the Doctor presses play, Rose asks, "I thought you were worried about being all impressionable cause of your regeneration thing? What if this music, it has a kind of bad affect on you?"
"Jings, Rose, what are the odds of THAT happening?!"
Meanwhile, the Elder Doctor sneaks into the Touchwood Estate as Father Antonioni twists Sir Roger Blake’s arm and slams his face against an upstairs windows and screams that the minor aristocratic pervert better not be enjoying this violence because when he says that Blake’s wife Lady Isobel will be devoured it ISN’T a euphemism!
Back in the TARDIS, 'Anarchy in the UK' has barely finished and the Younger Doctor has made his hair TWICE as spiky, rammed a safety pin through his nose and started talking in an annoying Cockney accent. As Rose watches the Time Lord spray-paint the Gallifreyan equivalent of Swastikas over the walls while shouting "OI! OI! OI!", the Younger Doctor reveals he no longer wishes to be called 'Doctor' and would much prefer 'Jock "Scumbag" Tamson' as his new handle.
In the confused impression they have arrived in 1979 with the perfect opportunity to cause chaos, the Younger Doctor and Rose run for the doors. "1979. Hell of a year! China invades Vietnam! Imagine the beat up there, eh? The Muppet Movie! We can set fire to the cinemas that play it! Love that film, and love watching it burn ever more! Margaret Thatcher... urgh... still, we put powdered glass in her cocoa and see what happens, maybe kidnap here and dump her in the desert so when Skylab falls to Earth it can crush her - with a little from me! Jings, we can bite our own thumbs off, Rose! How extreme is that! I only just got these thumbs, I need my thumbs, I’m very attached to my thumbs, but this is ANARCHY we’re talking about!"
Their anarchy however is put temporarily on hold when they emerge from the TARDIS to find themselves surrounded on all sides by armed Scottish soldiers. Meekly, the Doctor resumes his normal Scottish accent to calm the situation down. "Och, sorry, we’re a wee bit dazed and confused. I’ve been chasing this... this wee naked child over hill and over dale. In’t that right, ya... timorous beastie?"
"Is this another pervert of the Touchwood Estate?" boggles the Guard Captain Reynolds. "Will you identify yourself?"
"You betcha! I’m Doctor Jock "Scumbag" Tamson, but you can call me Jamie McCrimmon if it helps you relax. I’m from the township of Balamory, I have a Doctorate from the University of Edinburgh. I trained under Doctor Bell himself and he taught me the skills of observation and I can’t help but notice you’re very armed to the teeth for such a quiet stretch of road. Are you Scots Guard protecting something, or are you out causing mischief against those English bastards?"
A voice is heard from a nearby carriage the soldiers are guarding and the two time travellers step forward to greet the occupant, who is revealed to be Her Majesty Queen Victoria, Empress of India and Defender of the Faith herself. "Hey, Rose, it’s a Queen Victoria impersonator! And a very good one too for 1979!"
It rapidly becomes obvious however, that this is the REAL Queen Victoria and more importantly that it is not 1979. At all. As for why the Queen is travelling by coach, it turns out that rather suspiciously that a tree hit the line, canceling the train service to Aberdeen.
"An assassination attempt?" the Doctor asks hopefully.
"What, seriously?" boggles Rose. "There’s people out to kill ya? Like they did with John Lennon?"
"I’m quite used to staring down the barrel of a gun," muses the monarch. "The Chartists, the Fenians, the Anarchists..."
"Oh yeah! Anarchy! I’d forgotten all about that! Where was I? Oh yes! You think I respect you? NEVAH!" the Doctor screams, randomly shifting back to his Sid Vicious persona and spitting on Queen Victoria before waving his handy-dandy psychic paper in her face, which reads "GOD SAVE THE QUEEN FROM THE FASCIST REGIME!"
Before Rose can point out that this is not the best method of addressing royalty surrounded by armed bastards, said armed bastards club them to the ground with their rifles.
At Touchwood House, the Elder Doctor muses that he’s arrived just in time for Michaelmas, and it’s an incredibly coincidence that the BBC Ident monks attacked the house at the exact moment that Queen Victoria would be passing requiring a bed for the night in the middle of the Scottish wilds with their infamous werewolves. "You know, come to think of it, it might not be a coincidence at all..."
At that moment, Queen Victoria’s procession enters the Estate, with the Younger Doctor and Rose dragged along through the mud behind the coach. "1879, 1979, it’s still a bunch of tossers lording it over the young!" the Younger Doctor muses. "FUCK SOCIETY!!!"
The Elder Doctor watches his younger self from hiding and marvels at what a geek he was back then, nearly three months ago by his own personal timeline. "And that hair – did a cat die up there or something?" he sneers.
Blake greets his guests, but if he is hoping they might find it slightly odd that all his servants have been replaced by bald athletic monks pointing guns at the owner’s head, he is mistaken. The Touchwood Estate is renowned for such naughtiness and with true Victorian reserve, no one refers to what they assume to be a kinky sex game Blake is having while his wife is out of the house.
"Your majesty," says Blake calmly. "I suppose you’re wondering where my wife is and her suspicious absence. Well, she’s gone to Edinburgh for the season. You know. Edinburgh, the place she can’t stand and would never go to of her own free will. And she’s taken the cook with her – even though she IS the cook. Notice anything? The kitchens are barely stocked. Even though it’s Michaelmas. I wouldn’t blame Your Majesty if you wanted to RIDE ON for fear of a POSSIBLE AMBUSH!"
The Elder Doctor cocks his head to one side, watching him, recognizing that Blake would rather the Queen stayed away because the Time Lord is NOT incredibly stupid and idiotic.
Queen Victoria, however, IS incredibly stupid and idiotic and thinks nothing of staying since she has a picnic hamper and sick to death of being in a carriage. The fact she’s on the look out for possible death threats and assassinations doesn’t caution her in the slightest.
Just in case it’s not clear that she’s walking blindly into the most awful of dangers from darkest of dreams, we cut to the basement where, in a cage, sits a cloaked man, his head bowed and whimpering slightly at the dirty chuckles and naughty suggestions made by his audience of imprisoned servants.
The Elder Doctor meanwhile has got bored and wandered into the observatory atop Touchwood Tower. Built by Blake’s father for spying for anyone nude bathing in the rivers over the hill, the Doctor notes it has far too many prisms and the magnification is too great for any decent perving – and considering the porn connoisseurs that live in the house, such a poorly maintenance peeping tom device is very suspicious...
Lost in thought, the Elder Doctor ducks into a room looking for clues and discovers lots of, for the time, hardcore pornographic French lithographs and a young servant girl hiding in the wardrobe.
"Esme Jones?! Jings, what are you doing here?" exclaims the Time Lord. "I thought you were dead! Twice over! Over a hundred years in the future! But here you are... in a maid’s outfit... hiding in a closet... in Touchwood House... Is this some kind of political statement?"
It quickly becomes apparent that this is not Esme Jones but a creepy genetic doppelganger called Flora and she wasn’t even playing a sexy game let alone making a pro-lesbian statement about it being worse off to stay hiding in a closet – she was actually just hiding from the psycho BBC ident monks.
"They came through the house! The incitements, they took the Steward and the Master! And my Lady!"
"What did? Syphilis? Oh, no, wait! It was those monky fellows, wasn’t it? Well, don’t you worry your wee head, Flora, you’ll not know this but there’s a heavily armed contingent of the Scots Guard downstairs, all ready for trouble and no doubt able to unleash hot metallic death at the slightest sign of danger!"
Even as the Elder Doctor speaks, the monks dispose of the non-speaking soldiers by drugging their Bovril and then snapping their necks in a display of needlessly violent and complicated violence there simply to get Media Watchdogs hot and bothered.
Meanwhile, the same monks have discovered the Younger Doctor and Rose covered in mud and grass lying behind the coach. When asked what the two of them were doing tied to the Royal Carriage, the Younger Doctor replies with good humor, "NEVER MIND THOSE BOLLOCKS, LET US LOOSE YOU MUNTING BASTARDS!"
An amusing bit of editing later has the duo left in the basement not far from the cloaked man in the cage who Rose initially assumes to be the strange albino from "The Da Vinci Code". Disturbingly, Lady Isobel has finds the man in the cage incredibly attractive as he is unlike any other human but probably knows how to please them.
Sure enough, when he raises his bowed head to look at the group he reveals to them that his eyes are unlike those of any man, they are those of a wolf. "Stop looking at me like that!" the albino wails. "Leave me alone, you freaks!"
In the dining room Blake and Queen Victoria are about to dine under the watchful gaze of Father Antonioni. Blake idly passes the time by mentioning the folklore of the local werewolf:
"The story goes back three hundred years, though the incidents continue to THIS DAY Every full moon, LIKE TONIGHT, the howling rings through the valley. The next morning, livestock is found ripped apart and... devoured. Sometimes a child goes missing. Once in a generation. A boy will vanish from his homestead. It’s not merely a wolf. THIS IS A MAN WHO BECOMES AN ANIMAL! There’s a Monastery in the Glen of Saint Catherine the Bitch on Heat. What if they changed their allegiance long ago? What if they turned from God and worshipped the WOLF? Huh? HUH? WHAT DO YOU THINK HAPPENS THEN?!"
But still the Queen doesn’t get the damn hint.
In the cellar Rose looks at the cage, slowly creeping toward it. "So," she says, trying to pass the time, "Who are you then? You’re not from Earth so, uh, what planet are you from? You born around here?"
"Are you coming onto me?" whispers the figure.
"Nah. I’m a time traveler. We can get you back home if you want."
"Well, er, happy here thanks. This is a world of industry, of workforce and warfare. I could turn it to such purpose once I migrate to the Holy Monarch and with one bite, I would pass into her blood. And then it begins. The Empire of the Wolf! If only I could get out of this fucking cage! The monks say they worship me and they go and lock me in a cage! How the hell does that work?"
The brethren open the outer doors, exposing the creature in the cage to the full moon outside. It basks in the moonlight and begins to remove its cloak as the prisoners clap and wolf-whistle like the randy nymphomaniacs they are at heart.
As the creature begins to transform, Rose points out that surely the werewolf is strong enough to break out of the cage, despite the Doctor's noticeable screams of "SHUT UP, ROSE! JUST SHUT UP! STOP TRICKING ALIEN KILLING MACHINES INTO ESCAPING THEIR DUNGEONS! DID YOU LEARN NOTHING FROM LAST TIME??!"
Too late, the wolf does just that, and promptly bites the head off a nearby monk and dabs 'SMASH THE STATE' on the cellar walls in the human’s blood.
"Aw, that’s beautiful," the Younger Doctor gasps.
The Younger Doctor’s enthusiasm starts to wane as the werewolf goes off camera and slaughters EVERY SINGLE character bar the main speaking parts in a sequence not even Ken "Wong" Russell would want to film. Deciding that discretion is the better part of having one’s intestines hauled out of one’s nostril and used as dental floss, the Younger Doctor and Rose run after Queen Victoria and Blake up some stairs. For a long time.
Finally, the quartet manage to make their way to the library and barricade the door... but the werewolf does not follow, causing the Younger Doctor to ponder why briefly, before hurling obscene homophobic abuse at the wolf at the top of his voice (which has reverted back to his normal Scottish drawl).
Blake explains that the Touchwood Estate Library is varnished with traces of mistletoe so that on certain religious festivals anyone who enters must take part in a snogging competition and the wolf, having gone right off the idea after eating most of the potential sexual partners, is repelled.
"What a stroke of luck!" Rose marvels.
In the dining room, the Elder Doctor and Flora skid to a halt as Father Antonioni arrives speaking in Latin and babbling that the freak coincidence of Queen Victoria being diverted to Touchwood House the same day as the full moon just when the Brotherhood is ready to lay a trap...
Just then the Werewolf dives into view and EATS both Antonioni and Flora, while the Elder Doctor runs for his tenth life and idly hopes cutting off this particular branch of the Jones family tree won’t hamper his chances of getting a companion in the future.
All the while the other survivors begin scouring the many tomes in the library to try and find out more about the beast, cause this is what clever people do in Buffy the Vampire Slayer to stop them all dying horrible deaths at the unclean demonic talons of certain oblivion.
Soon they easily find in Rynheart’s Compendium Of Big Hairy Demons I Would Not Like To Meet Down A Dark Alley Or Indeed ANY Alley Ever, they discover a spaceship fell to Earth in 1540 coincidentally near to the brethren’s monastery.
"But that’s over three hundred years ago," Rose points out for those who give a tinker’s cuss. "What’s it been waiting for?"
"Maybe it’s just big on procrastinating?" suggests the Younger Doctor. "Or, if only a single cell survived through the humans, host after host after host, it’s spent that time adapting slowly down the generations. A spore, a virus, a thought, it started growing...
"Into a werewolf?" surmised Rose, not entirely convinced.
"Maybe. Maybe it just decided to become a werewolf? I mean, who WOULDN’T, given the choice? Maybe it mapped itself onto a local mythology... assuming it ISN’T the local mythology. And now it wants the throne. Think what it could do! With its knowledge of the stars, added to the might of Great Britain... Imagine it! The Victorian Age accelerated; starships and missiles fueled by coal and driven by steam like a certain book by Christopher Bulis, leaving history devastated in its wake... Another corporate sell out! HOW I HATE THEM ALL!"
At that moment, they all notice the whacking great skylight mounted in the ceiling moments before the Werewolf smashes its way through and into room, and the main cast unblock the doors, flee and block the doors again before the huge hairy beastie has got to its feet.
"Don’t worry," Rose says confidently. "Now the wolf’s in the library, he can’t get out because the walls are covered in mistletoe, remember?"
"You’re right, Rosie! Jus as long as it’s allergy is strong enough to stop it blasting through the doors when it’s trapped inside with no recourse of escape, anyway..."
At that moment, the wolf breaks out of the library and chases them up the stairs. Blake offers to stay behind as the last line of defense and remain in the corridor to get a little "furry claw action" while the others, deeply nauseated, run inside. There they find the Elder Doctor already struggling to maneuver the telescope into position.
"What are you doing here?!" exclaims the Younger Doctor and, in order to prevent a temporal paradox that could destroy the universe, the Elder Doctor headbutts him unconscious.
"Saving your ass! Right! It turns out this observatory can actually be used as a light chamber to amplify the luminosity of the moon! All we need is the right prism to concentrate the moonlight and overload the cells of the werewolf! We might not be able to teach this old dog a new trick, but at least we can put the mongrel down!"
"But where are we going to get the perfect crystal?" asks Rose.
Queen Victoria notes that, by a complete coincidence, she just happens to have the Koh-I-Noor Diamond in her handbag which might help intensify the light beam to anti-lycanthrope levels.
Meanwhile, in a scene instrumental in putting Tony Blackburn off the series for life (assuming his experience with Big Finish hadn’t managed that already), Blake charges naked at werewolf and is dead within seconds without even getting a snog out of it.
The beast bursts in and sinks its jaw into the neck of Queen Victoria before the Elder Doctor and Rose can focus the beam onto the werewolf and reduce the hellhound to a sparkle of CGI pixie dust. As Victoria is overcome with Wolf Mojo, absorbing its deep abiding love of air guitar and mindless violence, the Elder Doctor slips away, leaving Rose to revive his past self.
"Aw, did I miss the carnage while I was out? Jings!"
The Younger Doctor and Rose turn to the Queen and asks if maybe they can get some kind of reward out of saving her miserable life, perhaps being knighted Sir Doctor of TARDIS and Dame Rose of the Chav Estate?
"No fucking way!" snarls Queen Victoria with her newfound influx of punkdom and mindless violence.
"You ungrateful harpy," sighs the Younger Doctor. "You’re not nearly high enough on the Syd and Nancy scale. At least we have the consolation that we did it our way, eh, Rose?"
The Younger Doctor then snatches up the sword Queen Victoria refused to knight them with and skewers her through the head. The ex-Queen slumps to the floor and the Time Lord jumps up and down on the body shouting: "PUNK'S NOT DEAD, BUT IT'S CERTAINLY AGING FAST, TRYING TO DIE A DEATH THAT LIVES UP TO ITS PAST! BWA HAHAHAHAHAAHAH!"
Rose suggests that slaughtering the ruling monarch of the British Empire might have some kind of knock-on effect on history. The Younger Doctor disagrees – it’s not as if there was a BUTTERFLY involved, is it?
The Younger Doctor and Rose bounce off to the TARDIS making fun of royal families that won’t exist and the Time Lord shouting he bets all the other lame, ITV shows are probably sucking up to the Queen on her birthday while he will reveal the truth: she's a variable wavelength haemovarioform AND she stinks!
The two travelers depart in the TARDIS, the Younger Doctor certain that his Tenth Persona has fully stabilized before putting another CD on – The Best of Madness – and is soon grooving to "Baggy Trousers" as the time machine hurtles off into the interdimensional flux...
Back at Touchwood House, the Doctor snaps his fingers and has some nanobots he nicked from a previous Steven Moffat episode genetically rebuild Queen Victoria’s body and restore her to life – so, technically, all the sacrifices haven’t actually been in vain.
The Doctor tries to convince Queen Victoria she imagined the whole 'shooting her through the head' business and in fact she was just about to knight him in return for his services to Queen and Country and most especially of all not use this as an excuse to create a an organization which will celebrate the spirit of the Sex Pistols forever more, defending Earth against the Reggae Horde and maybe reverse engineering xenotech on slow weekends.
Unfortunately, Queen Victoria doesn’t believe a word he says.
"Henceforth... I banish you! You are exiled from this empire, Doctor, never to return. I don’t know what you are or where you’re from, but I know that you consort with stars – and magic – and think it fun!"
"It is fun, you narrow-minded harpy!" the Doctor snaps. "And I was the one who saved your life, remember? Without me, the monks and the werewolf would have had their wicked way with you! I’m the innocent party in all this you daft sassenach!"
"Your world is steeped in terror and blasphemy and death and hardcore heavy metal and I WILL NOT ALLOW IT!!!"
"What makes you think you have a CHOICE?" hisses the Doctor in his deepest, darkest, nastiest Secret Smile psycho whispers.
"You will leave this shore and you will reflect, I hope, on how you managed to stray so far from all that is good and how much longer you will survive this... terrible life!"
"Lot longer than you, grandma!"
"Now leave my world and never return!" Queen Victoria roars.
"Why stop there?!" the Doctor roars back at her. "If you’re so damn bloody paranoid about Great Britain having enemies beyond YOUR pickled excuse for an imagination, why not defend your borders on all sides? Why not start an institute to investigate strange happenings and fight them? You could call it the Touchwood Institute! And then, when YOU are die unloved, unmourned and alone to become famous only for your total lack of a sense of humor and looking good on a stamp, your precious Touchwood can cause more chaos, terror and death than the Sex Pistols ever could!"
"How dare you—"
"I... AM... TALKING! Now, I always assumed it was my own incredibly arrogance that lead to my downfall, but it was actually YOU in a moment of rabid xenophobia creating the biggest menace known to mankind!" the Doctor continues, foaming at the mouth with fury: "Once they get all the inter-office sex and violence down pat, they can allow armies of Dustbins and Cybermen to arrive on your oh-so-bloody-precious Great Britian and bomb the fuck out of it! Because, Vic, this is ALL YOUR FAULT! EVERY death is on YOUR head, you contemptuously thick possible-were-bitch! I’ll be off now, but I’ll be back because your exile means less to me than a gnat breaking wind and I can visit the Earth in five billion MORE years than you can. YOU can use what days you have left to muse on what a complete screwup the British monarchy is and how we’d all be better off without you! I SAID, 'GOOD DAY' SAH!!"
Reinvigorated and re-enthused, the Doctor sets off on his travels, leaving a broken and incredibly bitter old monarch and possible werewolf realizing what a complete bitch she was, and her legacy of disorganized orgiastic sex which will last for the previous thirteen episodes of a certain TV series. Isn’t time travel wonderful?
"I’m the Doctor."
"I know, you just told me."
"What was your name?"
"Jones. Martha Jones."
"We need a Time Lord. Preferably medium rare."
"Rose, her name was. Not that you’re replacing her. You couldn’t. Not unless you have more plastic surgery than Michael Jackson and put on a wig. Is that understand?"
"You’re just playing hard to get."
"I hear the sound of the falling rain coming down like an Armageddon flame! A shame, the ones who died without a name!"
"I possess appropriate gravitas this year!"
"Tell me about it! I love the arse as well..."
"LET HER GO, MOFO!"
"The Globe Theatre and Mr. Shakespeare, isn’t it?"
"No, Kit Marlowe."
"Martha, you fancy me, don’t you?"
"What are you taking your clothes off for?"
"Another very well-dressed hitchhiker in a pinstripe suit?"
"It all takes place one year after transmission..."
"Tonight, I am going to perform my party piece. Ahem... YOU’RE MY WIFE NOW, DAVE!"
"Doctor, what the hell do we do?"
"Don’t turn your back and don’t..."
"D’you mind? What exactly do you think you’re doing?"
"Was someone kissing my lifeless body? Savvy?"
" He’s fire. And ice. And rage. He’s ancient and forever. He’s like the night and the storm at the heart of the sun. He burns at the centre of time and he can see the turn of the universe. Believe you, you do NOT want to fuck with this guy."
...Smith & Weston... amongst others... in fact a whole series...