Serial 307 – 47
An Alternate Program Guide by Ewen Campion Clarke
From An Entry In The EC Unauthorized Guide O' Long Dark Teatimes of the Soul
A humble tribute to the best swashbuckler series of the 21st Century
"YOA's Discontinuity Guides - Inaccurate But Caring."
Serial 307 – 47 -
EXCLUSIVE Extracts From The Fan Novelization Of "47" By Dave Lister Entitled "Doctor Who Discovers Why The Sun Shines" Which Was Critically Acclaimed By Outpost Gallifrey Users –
Kate Mayhem dropped the copy of What Outlaw magazine she was been reading and spun around. Beneath the never-ending roar of the engines she could have sworn she’d heard someone whisper her name while leaving out her truly embarrassing surname. But that was just ridiculous, wasn't it? Especially her surname. Damn her evil bitch-whore of a mother for choosing it. Plus, she was alone in Area 27. Yeah, she was always alone. Except when she was wasn’t. She looked down the corridor, peering into the darkness. She was alone, wasn’t she?
She took a step forward. Then two steps back. Otherwise, there just wouldn’t be enough symbolism for the moment.
'Who's there? Robin?'
Yup, she figured, turning back. Robin Hood, winding her up. Winding her up to impress the others. And because for some reason it got her all buttery in her neither regions and the sex was fantastic...
'Just stop fucking about, orright?'
But there was silence. Silence except, of course, for the never-ending roar of the engines. So it wasn’t actually silence at all, now Kate came to think of it. She sighed and picked up her drawing pin.
Which is when the never-ending engines... ended.
And suddenly, there really was silence.
Silence you could hear a pin drop.
Mainly because she’d just dropped aforementioned drawing pin. She ran over to the nearest terminal, stopped and stared at the screen.
"IMPACT PROJECTION: 50:27"
She stood back, terrified. The engines had stopped which meant fifty minutes until dark shit occurred massively... Desperately trying not to panic, and failing spectacularly badly, she ran over to the nearest porthole and looked out... fifty minutes until they crashed and burned.
In that order.
Right, she thought. Don’t sweat it, coz otherwise the antiperspirants are a waste of time. Something’s gone wrong but things that go wrong can be put right. And, who knows, perhaps this could be her chance to finally get Much to fuck off and stop fancying her? Taking a deep breath, she ran over to the nearest communicator and pressed the call button.
'Allan, come in!'
Allan A Dale’s voice crackled through the speaker. 'Not right now, Kate luv! Try someone else, eh?'
Shit. The brush-off. No change there. That was why he was the one member of the gang she hadn’t tried to sleep with. And that included Brother Tuck. Fine, she’d try someone else. Like Brother Tuck.
'Tuck, come in please!'
'Kate? Where are you?' Tuck sounded as if he cared, which was suspicious enough in itself.
'Area 27,' Kate replied, wishing it was Area 23 or 42, which would at least have sounded more impressive. 'The engines...'
'Have gone dead,' Tuck cut her off. 'Yes, we noticed, thanks.'
Kate took a deep breath. Stay calm. They don’t mean to be rude. And you can always piss in their food at a later date.
'What should I do?'
'What?' Tuck laughed. 'Do your job! Activate the distress signal and look fit. I’m heading to Engineering with Much and Robin. Out.'
The communicator crackled once more and for a second, Kate thought she heard her name being whispered again – but if so it was whispered with contempt and was proceeded by the expression 'that crazy bitch'. She stepped back and looked at the speaker.
'Just interference,' she muttered through her pouty lips.
She ran back to the Eddie the computer terminal and activated the distress signal. Things must be bad, she realized with all the insight and imagination that had got her where she was today, if the merry men of Robin Hood were calling for outside help.
IMPACT PROJECTION: 49:48
Kate watched as the seconds ticked away and suddenly felt very horny. She collapsed against the hull and waited. She wasn’t even sure what she was waiting for. Orders? To be rescued? One last bonk from Robin Or was she just waiting to die? That’s it, Kate. Cheery as ever.
IMPACT PROJECTION: 49:29
She turned away from the monitor and bit her lip – which is probably what made them so pouty. She could smell something burning. Oh yes, it was her libido. Where the hell was Robin when she needed him?
'What the hell am I doing here, anyway?' she asked, and the answer was as depressing as ever – because they’d killed off Maid Marion and needed a token chick, obviously.
She thought back to the coffee house where she'd met Robin Hood only a few months before. Back on Torajii Alpha, Celebrity Cloning Central. Back home. Where the brave freedom fighters against the Great and Bountiful Human Empire of Complete And Utter Assholes decided to genetically engineer an army of fictional characters to create a rebel army. But soon it became clear that they needed characters used to wild, primitive combat, but also capable of dealing with computer technology.
The 2006 revival of Robin Hood was the only logical source.
Kate was just a generic peasant character, bored senseless week after week as they fought the Ever So Special Space Security Service lead by folk like über-bitch Sara Kingdom, paranoid android Mark Seven and the other guy who no one remembers. Until, one day, she’d bumped into Robin Hood. Looking so cute in his tights.
Kate smiled as she remembered how she’d gone over to him, sat down uninvited and told him she had absolutely no interest in him, his cause, the contents of his underwear, or saving the galaxy from the insane dynastic rulership of Plastic-Surgery-Spice Girls. She went on in truly unnecessary detail about how her mother was a successful pot dealer, ever since pots, urns and ceramic containers had been made illegal.
What a fucking bitch.
Kate stopped smiling as she thought about her mum. What if she never saw her again? That could ONLY be good news. Mum had always been more interested in Stefan, Kate’s oh-so-perfect older brother. As long as Stefan did well then Kate could fend for herself. Which had been fine. She’d not let it get to her. She’d cried herself to sleep, indulged in self-harm and repeatedly tried to poison her own mother... but she didn’t let it get to her. Well, she TRIED.
All she'd really wanted to do, though, was get away. Get away from home. Get away from the family. Get away from everything. See the stars. Sleep with them. She remembered how she'd told Robin this, desperate for him not to think she was just some generic kid sidekick. She told him how all she’d wanted to do was travel, kick ass and sleep around. She’d loads of mates who’d gone backpacking around the Outer Worlds before being executed en mass by the ESSSSS but she wanted to do it for real. And, you know, NOT die horribly.
And he’d told her about his merry men and how two of them had buggered off to the Holy Land of Oxyverugamosa, while his prick-tease common law wife had impaled herself... repeatedly. And in that moment, being a basic dogsbody and occasional concubine had sounded like Heaven to Kate Mayhem. If it meant getting away from the comfort zone of Torajii Alpha... and, more importantly, her mother... then she’d do it. She’d begged him there and then to do her on the table. So, that afternoon, she met Brother Tuck and signed up.
And, that evening, she’d left her mum an insulting note and a box of milk chocolates and climbed on board the SS Roysten White with just a rucksack full of clothes and a need to impress. They’d easily captured the evil spaceship SS Icarus, defeated the generic fictional character army the ESSSSS had placed aboard and...
"IMPACT PROJECTION: 48:12"
And here she was. Facing death. Perhaps Mum had been right after all. Maybe Stefan was the clever one. HE wasn’t the one about to die with a bunch of people who couldn’t stand him. But she could always hope.
She thought back to that first night on board. That desperation to hide her background, to try and fit in. There were seven in the crew, including her. Robin and Tuck she’d already met, of course. He was so lovely but clearly wasn’t interested in her as a sex object. She wasn't sure if he was just shy, traumatized or whether he thought he was better than her. She wouldn't have been surprised if he had a boy or a girl waiting on every world.
Tuck was the only one who seemed to ignore her upbringing. And her rudeness. And most of what she said. Indeed, on some occasions he didn’t acknowledge she existed in any way, shape or form. Even Guisborne, the leather-clad badass with the Northern accent who had only joined their cause because he was sick of the homosexual harassment he was getting from the Sheriff of Nottingham, was more popular than her. Was it the leather? The dry sense of humor? The gorgeous with eyes you could lose yourself in? The fact he wasn’t a completely irritating bitch?
Then there was Much. He pretty much adored her, but mainly because she was about the only living thing he was convinced he could score with. She sometimes wondered if he had a thing for Robin as they seemed to share lots of furtive glances. But, she’d always figured, she’d have known if something was going on. With only seven people on board, there wasn’t much chance of secrets staying secret. No, it was just that compared to how they treated her EVERYONE seemed to be deeply in love.
Although saying that, Saracen Djaq, the resident ethnic medic... she was strange. Outwardly, she was friendly enough, but there was something about her. Something that Kate couldn't put her finger on. It was as if she was holding something back. Like she had some kind of deeper personality and didn’t go around shouting about herself all the time. Plus she had Will Scarlet as her permanent sex slave. Lucky girl.
There was Little John, but everyone knows about him so I’m not going to waste time discussing this mad, badger-faced giant with a big stick, a death wish and a small vocabulary. But him, we like.
And then there was Allan. Allan A Dale. He’d made his distaste for her quite apparent from the moment she’d stepped on board. He was from one of the Outer Worlds and he clearly had a problem with her privileged background. Especially when they were pathetically aggressive feminists like her. He'd made that obvious on the first night when he’d 'accidentally' locked her inside Area 24. With the chocolate.
All it had done, though, was make her stronger. Slightly fatter, but mainly stronger. She was determined to show them she wasn’t some dumb blond bitch treating this as some kind of adventure. Even though she was. She was determined to make them like her. Except Much, because he was more fun being miserable and rejected.
"IMPACT PROJECTION: 48:11"
Wow. Long second.
And, as the countdown continued, she realised again that she needed to toughen up. Be even MORE loud, unpleasant and Northern than before. Tuck had told her to wait here but she knew, she knew that she could help. Kate suddenly realized that not only didn’t she want to die, but she didn't want her crewmates to die. Even Allan. They were her family now. And, while some of them might not like her, at least they hadn’t just ignored her. Not like Mum and Stefan. In fact, Stefan wasn’t even her brother’s name, she just got it wrong on purpose to be annoying.
She stepped away from the wall and moved towards the door. Tuck had said she was heading towards Engineering. Well, Kate was going to help whether Tuck liked it or not. Especially if he didn’t. As she stepped into the doorway, she risked one last glance back at the Eddie the computer’s screen.
And she gasped. The trajectory countdown had been replaced by another
"SECURE CLOSURE... INITIATING. KISS YOUR ASS GOODBYE."
'What?' She looked up as, suddenly, the door started to slide down over her. She leapt into the corridor and started running. Secure closure? What in the name of Celation buggery was going on?
She ran down the central corridor, her heart pounding, heading towards Engineering.
"IMPACT PROJECTION: 47:43"
And, there, at the end of the corridor, outside the venting rooms, she saw Tuck with Robin and Much.
"SECURE CLOSURE ACTIVATED. HA FUCKING HA." announced the Eddie the computer. So calmly.
She tried to block out the Eddie the computer’s Nicholas Briggs-style voice as she ran towards them. Sweat poured down her back and she could even taste it in her mouth. Then she suddenly noticed that her crewmates weren’t alone. There were three of them. She blinked, trying to shake the sweat out of her eyes and continued running. There were definitely two others with Tuck, Robin and Much. A man and a woman. Two others who weren’t crew. Two others who weren’t part of her new family.
And the woman was naked for some reason.
She ran towards them, sweating as the ship’s temperature increased and, ignoring the heat and the sweat and the smell of burning, Kate shouted, 'Who activated secure closure? I nearly got locked into Area 27!' in the vain hope that someone... anyone... would care.
They all turned to look at her as the countdown continued.
She looked at the strangers. 'Who are you?'
The naked woman looked terrified and rather embarrassed to be sans clothes. 'He's the Doctor and I'm Martha. Hello.'
Kate turned to look at the others and she realized they all looked aroused at the sight of the naked woman. Even Tuck. And, at that moment, Kate Lissak realised that he, and everyone else, were probably going to try and sleep with this new girl. Because she looked great naked and wasn’t a very noisy killjoy busybody.
And the countdown continued...
"IMPACT PROJECTION: 47:27"