Scene 1 – TARDIS Control Room
[The Sixth Doctor is strangling the Tenth over the console when suddenly the earlier Doctor fades away. The remaining Doctor straightens up and dusts himself down.]
DOCTOR: Thank God that’s all over... Hang on. The shield circuitry is missing!
SIXTH DOCTOR: [vo] Oh, Doctor, I hope you didn’t mind me taking a small souvenir? Arsehole!
[Suddenly, Tom Baker smashes through the police box doors, stumbles up the ramp and vomits on the console. The Doctor stares at him, goggle-eyed.]
TOM BAKER: [wipes mouth] Any chance of a pint?
TOM BAKER: I said: “Any chance of a pint?”
TOM BAKER: I SAID...
[The Doctor clutches his head as his sanity finally gives way...]
Scene 2 – Montage
[The Doctor stands on the bow of a ship, in the moonlight. The Doctor stands on the grand staircase leading into a ballroom as men and women in designer outfits waltz. Three badly-made robot Santas move through the dancers. The TARDIS falls into the ocean. The control room fills with water. A woman uncannily similar to Kylie Minogue broods. The Doctor kneels beside a crate marked “PROPERTY OF TOUCHWOOD – HANDS OFF!!” A man uncannily similar to Hugh Grant tries to cop a feel off the woman uncannily similar to Kylie Minogue. A pile of clothes on the floor. Something shiny and metallic. The Doctor and Kylie run for it. The control room is underwater. The Doctor wields his sonic screwdriver. The Doctor talks to Kylie, singing “Should I Stay Or Should I Go?” A young bellboy is grabbed by the throat. The Doctor goes Jack Nicholson in “The Shining” on the Touchwood Crate. Inside is a Cyberman. A ship marked “TITAN” hurtles towards an ice berg...]
Scene 3 – TARDIS Control Room
[Screaming, the Doctor sits bolt-upright in the pilot chair.]
DOCTOR: Jings! What a nightmare... I better lay off the psychic funk groove for a while.
[Getting up, the Doctor circles the console and checks a button. There is the sound of a foghorn. The Doctor frowns as he turns to see the bow of a massive ship smash into the control room, hurling debris at the Time Lord. The foghorn goes off again. A life preserver falls from the bow to the floor of the wrecked control room. The Doctor stares at the ship now wedged into the walls of the TARDIS.]
DOCTOR: [freaked] Better lay off the late-night cheese and acid nights as well.
[He gingerly turns the preserver over in his hands – TITAN. The Doctor double takes.]
DOCTOR: You have got to be fucking kidding me...
VOYAGE OF THE DARNED
by ANDREW BEEBLEBROX
transcribed by EWEN CAMPION-CLARKE for a laugh
turned down by RUSSELL T DAVIES with the words “BETH ‘R ANNWFN YDY HON CRAP?”
first broadcast - 25th December 2007
running time - 71 minutes 48 seconds
Scene 4 – TARDIS Control Room
[As the foghorn continues to sound, the Doctor rushes around the console. There is the sound of metal rending under pressure. The Doctor spins a dial and time rotor starts to move but stops.]
DOCTOR: Oh no no no no no. Bad time machine! Don’t stop working now you useless piece of crap!
[More debris is hurled into the control room and the room jolts, throwing the Doctor back, and he clings to the console as, with more metallic creaking noises, the bow of the ship retreats through the hole in the TARDIS walls.]
DOCTOR: Oh. Well, that looks like a good sign.
[The brow vanishes and suddenly the TARDIS lurches and crashes. Suddenly water erupts through the hole and floods the control room. The Doctor scrambles through the rising water towards the console again.]
DOCTOR: Great! Now we’re sinking into the Atlantic Ocean! Today cannot POSSIBLY get any worse!
[The water is now up to his waist as tries to operate the controls but the time machine doesn’t move a sodding inch.]
DOCTOR: C’mon, old girl. Don’t fail me now. What kind of cliffhanger resolution would that be, eh?
[Increasingly frustrated the Doctor snatches his sonic screwdriver from his jack and ducks under the murky water to try and fix something under the submerged console. He straightens up and operates the controls.]
DOCTOR: WORK, YOU BITCH! WORK!!!
[The water level rises up over the Doctor’s head.]
DOCTOR: Ah, jings...
[The Doctor is now completely underwater and the time rotor starts to move again, and there is the muffled sound of the TARDIS dematerializing...]
Scene 5 – Titan Bow Deck
[An elegant thirty-something woman called Ruby is leaving on the railing looking bored when a familiar wheezing, groaning sound is heard. The TARDIS materializes beside her, with a huge crack in the wall facing the ocean. Instantly, a huge amount of water floods out of the police box, through the railings and back into the sea. The Doctor is washed out of the crack as well and slammed into the railing as the water drains away. Finally he left, dazed and looking like a drowned rat beside the TARDIS and Ruby.]
DOCTOR: [gasping] This summer I went swimming! This summer I nearly drowned! But I held my breath and I kicked my feat and I moved my arms around...
RUBY: Um... you OK?
DOCTOR: Me? I’m fine. Nothing like an evening near death experience. How are you, you OK?
RUBY: Er, yeah...
DOCTOR: Bloody hell! Kylie Minogue! What are you doing here?!
RUBY: I just needed some air. To clear my head. What is that?
DOCTOR: [innocent] What’s what, Kylie?
[She frowns, and nods in the direction of the police box.]
DOCTOR: That? It’s a police box, you must have seen one? Your designer’s a total fan!
RUBY: I think you’re mistaking me for someone else.
DOCTOR: Aw. You’re not Kylie Minogue?
DOCTOR: Australia’s pint-sized pop princess?
DOCTOR: Lucky, lucky, lucky?
DOCTOR: [sighs] Unlucky, lucky, lucky. Well, who are you then if not Kylie?
RUBY: I’m Ruby.
DOCTOR: [grumbles] Not exactly adequate recompense for Kylie, though.
RUBY: I’m sorry, I didn’t catch your name, you freak.
DOCTOR: Sorry, John Smith. Doctor John Smith. Formally, lecturer at the University of Padua with two commas and a full stop in the normal way.
[Ruby crosses to the TARDIS, heading for the crack.]
RUBY: So then, Mister Smith, what else is inside this police box then?
[The Doctor jumps to his feet and dives in front of the crack, blocking a crude insert shot of the control room.]
DOCTOR: At the minute? [shrugs] A few gallons of water I’d imagine.
[A man in an expensive-looking contemporary suit, his hair immaculately combed, runs down the ladder from the next deck. This is Edgar.]
EDGAR: Ruby, I’ve been searching all over for you and this is what I find you doing?! Cavorting with phone boxes and strangely-damp young men? How could you?!
RUBY: I’m terribly sorry. I needed some air and I found this poor man.
EDGAR: Oh, I can guess the rest! You harlot!
RUBY: [rolls her eyes] Oh, Christ, not again. Edgar, meet Mister Smith.
EDGAR: Oh, Mister Smith now, is it? Oh, well, that’s just marvelous isn’t it? Mister Smith and Mrs Smith! Rub it in, you bastards! I suppose you want me as the best man, just to screw with me that extra little bit, don’t you?
[Edgar shakes the Doctor’s hand.]
EDGAR: Well, that’s just fine with me! Simple registry do, is it, or the full church service? Well, remember this, you scum-sucking parasite, I had her first! She’ll have a nerve wearing white up the aisle, let me tell you!
DOCTOR: Uh, what are you talking about, dude?
EDGAR: [to Ruby] You mean you’re not eloping to avoid me?
RUBY: No. For the fifth time today.
EDGAR: [sighs] Thank goodness for that. Sorry, old fruit, hope she wasn’t bothering you, sir.
DOCTOR: Not at all, I was just explaining about police box.
EDGAR: [moving away] Yeah, whatever...
DOCTOR: Whatever? Whatever?! WHATEVER?!
[The Doctor steps aside to show the gaping hole into the control room.]
DOCTOR: I got your “whatever” right here!
[Ruby and Edgar stare at it for a moment.]
EDGAR: Meh. A simple trick, all mirrors and paintings, it creates the illusion of it being larger on the inside. You probably fool all the plebs, don’t you? I’ve seen better. Have you Ruby? [doesn’t let her speak] Still, these women, they do have such vivid imaginations. They’re like children in that way...
DOCTOR: [shocked] Oh look! My suits ruined!
[As if to demonstrate, the Doctor wrings out the sleeve of his jacket and it drips water onto Edgar’s head. He stands there, slowly soaking.]
EDGAR: What are you doing that for?
RUBY: It’s probably just his way of asking you for some spare clothes. I’m sure you’ll have something he could wear.
[Edgar chuckles as the Doctor continues to wring water over him. He is now soaked.]
EDGAR: I’m sure that won’t be necessary, Mister Smith hardly looks the type to travel with just the one suit now
DOCTOR: No, but they’re all just as wet.
EDGAR: How the hell did you get wet in the first place, Mister Smith?
RUBY: Does it matter, Edgar?
EDGAR: I guess not.
RUBY: Why don’t you hurry along to your suite, Edgar, and have James prepare the suit? And a nice warm bath, I should think.
DOCTOR: Yeah, go on. Get that paranoid posterior cracking, Edgar!
EDGAR: Do you think me a fool?
DOCTOR: Yes. Yes I do.
EDGAR: Well I’m not! And I’m not prepared to leave Ruby in the charge of a complete stranger!
DOCTOR: I’m not a complete stranger! I’m not even completely strange!
EDGAR: Fine. You two can stay here and fall in love and marry and run off to the Bahamas and leave to rot in my own filth then. Don’t mind me. My heartbreak doesn’t matter. I fucking hate you all.
[Edgar wanders off. The Doctor and Ruby watch him go, unaware that the police box is re-growing its shell and the hole is rapidly shrinking.]
DOCTOR: I haven’t met someone that jealous and possessive since... well, Martha Jones, actually. We traveled together, back in the day. We’re like that, [crosses fingers] me and Martha. Course, she always wanted us to be like this [pokes finger through circle formed by finger and thumb]... still what can you do?
[The Doctor turns to reenter the TARDIS through the hole, but the repairs at finished and the Time Lord bangs his face against the intact police box wall.]
DOCTOR: Ow. So. Anyway, you didn’t happen to see anything before my police box appeared then, Ruby? No bright blue lights, electrical sparks, a police box appearing in the sky, hitting the front of the ship and just stayed there before I got free and piloted my way up here?
RUBY: No. Why?
[The Doctor leans on the railings and looks into the sea below.]
DOCTOR: Nothing. Just thought you might be curious as to why a police box bigger on the inside materializes right next to you empties ten gallons of sea water over the side, that’s all. That’s the problem with the human race, everything gets kept quiet, locked away. It makes life easier. Course you end up being completely lost when anything important happens. Not that anything important has happened. And even if it had every rule there is an exception, this is probably it. All you need to know is, I’m here, and that’s my ship. So don’t tell anyone about this, OK?
[The Doctor turns to lean the other way, resting his back on the bar.]
RUBY: So, uh, what we saw, on the inside of your box-ship-thing... what was it?
DOCTOR: You know something? I honestly can’t be bothered to explain. See for yourself.
[He crosses to the TARDIS, unlocks the doors and pushes them open. Ruby peers through to see the damp and rather debris-strewn control room, though everything seems back to normal.]
DOCTOR: Funky, huh?
EDGAR: [vo] What the hell are you two doing?!
[Ruby jumps and the Doctor slams the door shut. Edgar is going off. Again.]
EDGAR: Honestly! I’m gone for five seconds and...
RUBY: We weren’t doing anything, you freak! Doctor Smith was just explaining more about his phone box.
EDGAR: I’m sure he was. Explaining his phone in your box! You harlot!
[He gives the Doctor a filthy look, but it gets ignored as it’s so similar to his normal looks.]
RUBY: Yeah, yeah, get over it. I take it everything is ready for our friend here?
EDGAR: [through his teeth] Indeed, his bath and my suit await. Why don’t you just prostrate yourself before him! Give him everything that’s not yours to give, why don’t you? Why waste time thinking on my feelings? I might as well just save time and hurl myself over this railing...
RUBY: Good, now, run along, Edgar. John and I were talking, if you don’t mind.
EDGAR: YOU WHORE OF BABYLON, YOU!
[He bursts into tears and runs away.]
DOCTOR: Seriously. What is his problem? He’s taking the jealous boyfriend thing a little too far don’t you think?
RUBY: Well, he’s just gone a little nuts what with all these people going missing lately.
DOCTOR: Ah, well that’ll explain him being so protect-a-what did you say? People? Going missing? On the ship?
RUBY: Don’t you know about it?
DOCTOR: No. I only just crashed this gig. So to speak. Remember? We were just talking about it?
RUBY: Oh yeah. Well, at first it was just the one, someone from the lower decks. Then another went, and another.
DOCTOR: And no one has found who’s taking them?
RUBY: Of course not, otherwise we wouldn’t be worried about it, would we? All we find are their clothes, and
DOCTOR: So they could just be wandering around the place stark bollock naked? Jings! Naked...
[The Doctor falls silent, he’s thinking, hard.]
RUBY: [concerned] What is it?
[The Doctor snaps out of it, startled.]
DOCTOR: Wha? Oh, sorry, miles away. Where were we? An invisible kidnapper on an unsinkable ship?
RUBY: Hardly the journey I was expecting when I agreed to come on this voyage.
DOCTOR: Well, they’re hardly likely to advertise, are they? “Cheap overseas trips! Warning: may mysteriously vanish off the face of the Earth! No time wasters, please?” I tell you what. Since I’m here, how about I take a look around later, see what I can find? I mean, I have got an hour to kill...
RUBY: Doctor, everyone on this ship has searched for any clues, and not one of us has found anything.
DOCTOR: What? Everyone?
RUBY: Yes, everyone!
DOCTOR: What about the people who disappeared? And their kidnapper? Uh? Uh? See, it wasn’t everyone. Just mostly everyone. And mostly everyone can miss things. But you never know, fresh pair of eyes, DVD boxset of Jonathon Creek... I might get lucky. [long pause] I might spot some clue as well.
RUBY: Yes. Well. Maybe you should have your bath first, Doctor?
DOCTOR: Oh yeah! Completely forgot! Wanna scrub my back? And after that you can see about finding me some form of accommodation, eh?
RUBY: Can’t you stay in your police box?
DOCTOR: It’s dripping wet! Do you want me to get a cold? Is that it? So while I’m sick on my deathbed you can go gallivanting off with the other trollops? Is that what you want?
RUBY: Aw, crap, why do all men get like this around me?
DOCTOR: Because we can rely on you to fold like a house of cards and change the subject?
[A long pause.]
DOCTOR: I said that out aloud, didn’t I?
[Fade to black. Caption: “AN EDIT LATER...”]
Scene 6 – Titan Bow Deck
[The Doctor leans against the railings, now dressed in one of the outfits from Casanova.]
DOCTOR: Well. This sure is dull. Right! Time to make mischief! [takes out screwdriver] I’ll set it to Alien of the Week mode and...
[The Doctor turns in a circle, and the sonic screwdriver starts to buzz. The Doctor follows the buzz down the deck.]
DOCTOR: This summer I went swimming, this summer I might have drowned, but I held my breath, I kicked my feet and moved my arms around... I moved my arms around...
[As he moves off, Edgar steps out of the shadows.]
EDGAR: Damn it, I hate that song.
[He follows the Doctor.]
Scene 7 – Titan Lower Decks
[The Doctor bounces down a set of steps.]
DOCTOR: This summer I swam in the ocean, and I swam in a swimming pool! Salt my wounds, chlorine in my eyes,
I’m a self-destructive fool...
[As the Doctor moves out of sight, Edgar follows down the steps.]
DOCTOR: Self-destructive fool!
EDGAR: Yeah, pretty much.
[Edgar leaves the steps as a strange inhuman hand beckons him from the shadowy corridor to the right.]
EDGAR: Who’s that? Are you trying to steal Ruby from me? Right, that does it! Your ass is going down!
[Edgar charges into darkness.]
Scene 8 – Titan Cargo Hold
[The Doctor is wandering around, waving the buzzing screwdriver around.]
DOCTOR: Jings, this is just like the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark!
[The Doctor bangs his toe on a crate lying on the floor.]
DOCTOR: AH! Jings! My fucking foot!
[He hops for a moment, swearing thickly in Scottish. Finally he notices that his screwdriver is buzzing very loudly.]
DOCTOR: What have we here, then? What could possibly justify hurting my beautiful toes?!
[The Doctor kneels down, pulling out his glasses and studies the dusty suit which has the distinctly phallic logo of the Touchwood Institute. Plus the words “PROPERTY OF TOUCHWOOD – HANDS OFF!!”]
DOCTOR: Whoa. Déjà vu all over again! I wonder if there’s a Cyberman in this one too?
[He tries to pull the lid off to no avail.]
DOCTOR: Ah, jings, it’s been nailed down! If only I had some kind of device that could extract the nails quickly and quietly? [notices the screwdriver in his hand] Oh yeah. Mind like a sieve.
[He aims the screwdriver at the crate and zaps it. Nails start to rise out of the wood and fall to the ground. Suddenly, a loud scream rings out from nearby. The Doctor raises his hands in immediate surrender.]
DOCTOR: It’s not what it looks like! I’m a kleptomaniac, I’m not responsible for my actions!
[He realizes he hasn’t been caught. He looks around as the scream is muffled.]
DOCTOR: Oh well, better go and see what all the fuss is about then...
[He suddenly turns and sprints for the exit.]
Scene 9 – Titan Lower Decks
[The Doctor runs up to a small crowd gathered around something. The crowd are all wearing sunglasses and carrying white sticks.]
PASSENGER 1: Another one!
PASSENGER 2: That’s two this week, Rupert... Some vacation this is turning out to be!
PASSENGER 1: Screw you, Chamber! Make your own travel plans next time!
PASSENGER 2: Maybe I will. Huh? You think of that? Maybe I will!
[The Doctor pushes past them to find Edgar’s clothes scattered on the floor.]
DOCTOR: Edgar’s suit. Jings. Talk about awkward. [to crowd] Right... [louder] Right! [screaming] SHUT... UP!!
[Everyone falls silent. The second passenger is about to insult his companion when the Doctor gives him a stern look and he shuts up. The Doctor takes out his handy-dandy-all-purpose-telepathic-psychic-paper.]
DOCTOR: Thank you, Chamber, now then. [Shows psychic paper] As you can all see, I’m an Inspector, now, if you could all help me to... inspect, that would be most helpful. Now, did any of you see anything? Anyone? Anything at all? What, are you all blind or something?
PASSENGER 1: Yes. We’re part of the South Hampton Visually Impaired Auxiliary Group!
PASSENGER 2: Yes. We are the six blind men.
DOCTOR: There’s only five of you.
PASSENGER 1: Silent Reg must have wandered off again.
DOCTOR: So no one saw anything? No? Fat lot of good you lot are.
[A small child scampers up.]
MATTHEW: Sir, I think I saw something sir.
DOCTOR: [bends forward] And what’s your name, little boy?
MATTHEW: Matthew sir.
DOCTOR: And what did you see Matthew?
[Awkward, nervous, embarrassed and clearly on TV for the first time, the child looks around.]
MATTHEW: I saw a man, in those clothes over there sir.
DOCTOR: Did you see what happened to him?
MATTHEW: I came out for a quick fag cause my mother was asleep, sleeping off the smack. That’s when I saw it, sir. Someone attacked him sir, held him down. I was frightened sir, so I hid.
DOCTOR: You miserable little coward. All right then, Oliver Twist, what did the person holding him down look like? [beat] It’s okay, you can tell me. [beat] Seriously, this is a take and we can only do scenes with kids at certain times. [beat] Jings, get the hell on with it before I show you the back of my hand!
MATTHEW: [terrified] Father Christmas, sir! The man was attacked by Father Christmas!
[The Doctor’s eyes widen in disbelief.]
MATTHEW: [whimpers] Please don’t hit me, Dr. Who!!
DOCTOR: [warmly] Thank you Matthew, you’ve been very helpful. You’ll get a complimentary DVD out of this. Now, go on to your cabin, I’m sure your mother will be returning from her drug-fueled psychosis, wouldn’t she? Wouldn’t want her thinking you were just one of those hallucinations, eh? Sling yer bloody hook!
[The boy runs off, passing a smug, bespectacled man sipping a bottle of absinthe marked with a skull and crossbones.]
CHARLES: Ignore the idiot child, Inspector. A poor upbringing of chav scum like that will lead children to tell such obscure lies, wouldn’t you agree?
DOCTOR: That “idiot child” was more use than all of you lot put together, let alone working as audience identification! So if you don’t mind, you drunken bigoted fucker, and you don’t have anything to say, please, do be
quiet. In fact, even if you do have something to day, be quiet anyway!
[Charles looks scandalized.]
CHARLES: I am scandalized! I have a degree! How dare you speak to me like that!
DOCTOR: I dare to speak you like that because I just do, alright?
CHARLES: Who do you think you are?
DOCTOR: Who am I? I’m the man who is going to find all of the missing people on this ship. So unless you, any of you, have something to say that will help me I suggest you leave, now! Go on, you’ve had your dialogue! Sod off, the bleeding lot of you! Right, where is my companion substitute?
[Ruby appears at the other end of the corridor behind the crowd. She waves.]
DOCTOR: Ah, there you are.
CHARLES: [suspicious] “Doctor”? I am suspicious! I thought you were an inspector?
DOCTOR: Doctor’s my surname. Inspector Doctor. I would have become a doctor actually, I just couldn’t stand the jokes and gag references to The Secret Show. ‘Doctor Doctor’, get it?
CHARLES: [amazed] Really?
DOCTOR: God damn it, you idiots will believe anything I say, won’t you? Now, if you don’t mind? Piss off!
CHARLES: [pissing off] I have a degree, you know.
[The crowd begins to leave, everyone going their separate ways, revealing to Ruby the pile of Edgar’s clothes and she gasps, her eyes welling up. The Doctor watches on, there’s nothing he can say because Murray Gold’s score is way too loud. Anyway, Ruby runs towards Edgar’s clothes, stopping just before them. She picks up his jacket, holding it close to her face. The Doctor places a comforting hand on her shoulder.]
DOCTOR: That looks incredibly kinky.
[Ruby looks at him, wiping the tears away.]
RUBY: What happened?
DOCTOR: The good news is you are once again single and free of the irritating dork. The bad news is that the attacker is still loose aboard the Titan and my badass claims of sorting this whole mess out in five seconds are starting to look a tad shaky. But I’ll find him. I promise you I will find him. Not necessarily alive, since I’m not sure I ever actually want to speak to him ever again, but yeah. Finding him? I can do that.
RUBY: Thank you Doctor.
[He extends his hand, she stares at it.]
DOCTOR: So... now you’re single, how do you feel about men past their ninth century who live in time machines bigger on the inside disguised as police boxes?
RUBY: ...we are talking about you, aren’t we?
DOCTOR: You bet your delectable antipodean ass we are, Ruby!
[Off of his hungry, lustful look we cut to...]
Scene 10 – TARDIS Control Room
[The Doctor and Ruby stand in the TARDIS’ doorway, Ruby looking round at the damp-ridden alien interior.]
RUBY: It’s –
DOCTOR: Bigger on the inside?
RUBY: Of course it’s bigger on the inside. You already showed me, remember? I was actually going to say “rather rubbish.” Bigger on the inside qualities notwithstanding. How do you do it?
[The Doctor sits on the nearby railing.]
RUBY: No, lie to me. [snaps] Of course honestly!
[He thinks for a moment, but decides what to tell her.]
DOCTOR: It’s alien.
DOCTOR: Yeah, as in ‘from space’.
RUBY: A ship from the stars then?
DOCTOR: In a manner of speaking.
[She takes a moment to take it in.]
RUBY: That doesn’t actually explain how it’s bigger on the inside, though, does it?
DOCTOR: Ah, jings, why can’t you be impressed that it’s alien like all the others?
RUBY: You’ll be expecting me to be impressed that you’re alien too.
DOCTOR: How did you know I was an alien?
RUBY: If this is your ship, and it’s alien then you must be alien also?
[He smiles, impressed at her deduction.]
DOCTOR: Yep, one hundred percent alien. Two hearts, long life span, it has its perks. Are you impressed yet?
RUBY: No, not really. Why did you come to this place then? Out of all the stars in the sky, why here?
DOCTOR: Good question.
DOCTOR: Which you’d like me to answer I suppose? Okay. I like it here, good food, nice people, best music this
side of the crab nebula and the girls will do anything. I mean anything. But this time, well, something, or someone brought me here.
DOCTOR: That is what I’m here to find out. Still got another forty-five minutes of Christmas special to go. Still, no time like the present.
[Without missing a beat he runs around the central console and starts pressing buttons.]
RUBY: Now what are you doing?!
DOCTOR: Someone told me they saw something. I forget who and I forget what but I feel fairly certain that if they were right, I might know just how to stop this. I’m not being vague again am I? Vague and not ginger. Tut tut.
[He presses another button on the computer screen, which brings up a page of Gallifreyan writing. Ruby comes to take a look, she looks confused.]
RUBY: What are these circles?
DOCTOR: Writing, from my home planet. Just an erotic novella I was composing the pass the time...
RUBY: And where is your home planet?
DOCTOR: What are you? A census? Computer-search for cybernetic life forms on board the ship. That little LSD flashback I had makes me confident that it will be life form designation 835972-omega!
[The screen changes as it searches. After a second, an image of a very familiar Santa mask appears.]
DOCTOR: Oh. So it’s not the Cybermen then. Darn.
RUBY: Why do you have a picture of Father Christmas on your machine?
[The Doctor rubs his hands through his hair.]
DOCTOR: They’re just some freaks who like dressing up as Santa Claus for some reason and turn up making trouble. I have no idea what they’re about, but I’m pretty certain they are living machines that work for the highest bidder. And/or the Devil. It’s complicated, did I mention that? So if these things kidnapped Edgar... no. I have no idea what that means. These guys are the picture book definition of ‘random’.
Scene 11 – Titan Bow Deck
[The Doctor and Ruby wander out of the TARDIS.]
DOCTOR: I suppose the logical thing to do is to speak to the families of the people who went missing, see if they have anything in common. But that will be a long, slow and tedious process.
RUBY: So what do you want to do?
DOCTOR: Well, knowing our luck, we can just start talking to families and before long we will be attacked by whatever else is lurking on this ship and from there on... you know... just generally... improvise.
DOCTOR: Trust me, it’s a lot more fun this way. Oh, this summer I did swan dives! And jack-knives for you all!
And once, when you weren’t looking, I did a cannon-ball! I did a cannon-ball! HAHA!
RUBY: Christ you’re embarrassing.
Scene 12 – Cabin
[The Doctor and Ruby are talking with two working class parents, the woman seems to have been crying quite a lot, the father looks furious. All look under-rehearsed.]
DOCTOR: [bored] Any sign of an alien monster about to attack, Ruby?
RUBY: [checks] Nope.
DOCTOR: Oh well, might as well get on with the boring chatting stuff. So, Mr. Goit, did your daughter act strangely
before she went missing? Say anything out of the ordinary? Start hanging out with camouflaged robot mercenaries?
[The mother shakes her head, wiping away tears and not getting any dialogue she can then be paid for. The father stands, but before he can get any lines, Ruby cuts in.]
RUBY: There’s nothing else you can think of telling us?
[The father opens his mouth...]
RUBY: Just that you don’t know anything, and now if we don’t mind your wife is clearly upset by this whole situation and you’d like us to go?
[The father tries to speak, but the Doctor and Ruby are already leaving.]
DOCTOR: Thanks for your time, non-speaking extras!
[The father tries again to speak.]
RUBY: And we’re sorry for what you’re both going through. We promise we will do our best to find your daughter.
[They leave and close the door behind them before the father can say a word.]
Scene 13 – Titan Lower Decks
[The Doctor and Ruby stand on the other side of the door, looking half defeated.]
DOCTOR: Another one down.
RUBY: That’s three families who haven’t seen anything. What else can we do?
DOCTOR: I don’t know. Normally the monsters are after me by this point!
RUBY: Can’t you track them with some strange alien power?
DOCTOR: What do you think I am? A Yautja? Tracking isn’t a particular speciality of mine. Building things, I can do. Stopping aliens, I can do. Getting my end away with hot blondes I can do. Transmats I can... Hang on.
[He pulls out a discarded shoe from his pocket and runs his sonic screwdriver over it.]
DOCTOR: I should have thought of that before – I’m a stupid, stupid, stupid Time Lord! Either that or spending a whole year in a bird cage has dulled my deductive skills...
RUBY: Should I ask?
DOCTOR: Feel free, but I’ll only explain it all later. Now. The bad news is: Edgar isn’t dead. Or, at least, he
didn’t die when he vanished – because I’m picking up evidence of a transmat beam.
RUBY: [yawns] Transmat?
DOCTOR: [wrinkles his brow] Uhm, ah... oh, jings, where is that alien attack when I need it?
[The Doctor is cut off by a laser bolt slamming into the corridor wall and sending splinters and shards of wood showering down all over Ruby and the Doctor. They dive to the ground and see, at the other end of the corridor, a single robo-Santa stands wielding a laser-sighted bazookoid over its shoulder.]
DOCTOR: You took ya time, ya sassenach! Right, Ruby, we start with the running for our lives now.
[The Doctor and Ruby run away. The Santa Robot fires a volley of laser shots after them, but they all miss because if this creature could aim properly, the Doctor would die and the series would have to end. Finally it realizes that the Doctor and Ruby have gone and has to run after them, but its Santa Mask continually makes it bump into things. The Doctor and Ruby hurtle down a flight of steps as the Time Lord hands over the shoe to his companion.]
DOCTOR: Quickly! Take this! Go to the TARDIS!
[Ruby doesn’t even question him – she just follows his orders and goes. The Doctor boggles.]
DOCTOR: ...why couldn’t the others be like that!
[He ducks another laser blast and runs off in the opposite direction.]