Monday, June 1, 2009

Gallifrey III

- Gallifrey 90210: Here Today, Gone Tomorrow -

An Extract From The EC Unauthorized Doctor Who Spin-Off Guide Appendix O' Last Great Time Wars

Episode 11: Fractals

While the Doctor and his bird Charley Pollard are being forced to undergo endless Double the Fist challenges in a parallel divergent universe where time doesn’t seem to exist, things have pretty much gone to hell on his home planet of Gallifrey.

The Time Lords have managed to piss off ALL of the Temporal Powers to the point of declaring war on the big-collared jerks, but are kept away by the mighty transduction barriers that surround Gallifrey. Worse, INSIDE said mighty transduction barrier, a bunch of Flexi-Time terrorists have released the Dogma Virus, a disease that turns Time Lords into flesh-eating zombies should they regenerate, pretty much making all the Gallifreyans mortal. On top of THAT a bloody civil war has broken out between dictator-for-life and Romana-I-impersonator, the embodiment of evil called Pandora and President Romana II.

Since the rival leaders seem to be the same person, everyone has got horribly confused about which side they’re supposed to be on, but Pandora has managed to recruit K9 Mk II, devious überbitch Inquisitor Darkel and wetter-than-a-haddock’s-wet-bits Chancellor Valleys. She’s also using a funky staser pistol loaded with Pylene 50 with which she can brainwash more allies and rob them of their free will.

Romana’s supports including Leela, Coordinator and Senior Bastard of the Celestial Intervention Agency Narvin, and Commander Hallan who has joined their side out of sheer confusion. They manage to break Romana out of jail in a fight that wipes out all their redshirt cannon fodder, but Romana immediately uses her Presidential Know-How to steal all the keys to TARDISes – thus confining civil war to the present Gallifrey rather than some massive Temporal Difference of Opinion. Oh, as if THAT could ever happen!

Hiding in the Maelstrom Cloister Gardens at the outskirts of the Capitol, Romana promotes Leela to strategic advisor so they fight Pandora. Leela, even after all her years on Gallifrey, still can’t pronounce "subtle" let alone understand it, so Romana’s side is soon planting explosives to blow up Capitol resources like the Historical Archives, the Artron Microforum and the Karioke Bar of Rassilon – the downside is that Romana’s side is being dubbed terrorists by Pandora and the great undecided. Of course, the fact that Darkel’s been blowing up people randomly and blaming it on Romana helps too.

The latest bombing raid goes horribly wrong when the Nitro-9 explodes early, blinding Leela and nearly killing Narvin. With their pal Chancellery Guard Anon, they flee the city and go to Elbon’s Travelling Hospital, highly recommended by Romana’s ally Councilor Matthias. The cynical opportunist Elbon charges through the nose for his services, but gives the rebels a discount as he doesn’t know how to cure Leela’s blind. So Leela beats him up, since her already-shit-hot warrior senses have improved without her sight.

While Pandora’s guards attack the Maelstrom Cloister Gardens, forcing Romana and her remaining groupies to run like hell, intending to steal the one remaining working TARDIS – Wynter’s. And if you don’t understand that continuity reference, tough luck. The point is that this TARDIS is in a dodgy lock-up garage bigger on the inside than the outside, an Area 51 of the Time Lords.

As Darkel spends her day sadistically tormenting various news commentators into spreading anti-Romana propaganda, Romana and Hallan break into the garage and find that the TARDIS has been wired into a cloning machine that produces an endless army of Rula-Lenska-shaped warriors called Lintilla – kill one and she is instantly replaced anywhere in space and time with another. Romana realizes that Lintilla is the ultimate killing machine; an overlooked Douglas Adams plot device that could easily destroy Pandora forever!!

It is then, however, that Hallan realizes that they are locked in and the stir-crazy Lintilla has decided to use them for target practice. Hallan shoots the insane bitch, but with a cheap editing trick an identical Lintilla appears and tries to kill them again! This leads to a predictable unwinnable shoot-em-up as the Commander kills clone after clone after clone BUT THEY JUST KEEP COMING!!!

While Pandora wires in her huge stockpile of timonic missiles into a Transdimensional Sony Trinatron Total Image Screen, allowing her to blow up any location as long as it can be viewed on free-access cable, Darkel and her forces attack Elbon’s Travelling Hospital and Darkel laughs evilly as she personally firebombs bedridden patients, blaming all of this carnage on Romana. Narvin, Anon and Leela escape with Elbon out the toilet window, only to find that K9 is waiting for them!

But what’s this? The little robot insists he’s not actually as stupid as everyone thinks and is merely PRETENDING to obey Pandora – in fact, he is a double agent cunningly plotting her defeat. He gives Leela a teleport bracelet that the good guys can use to enter the garage and rescue Romana from Lintilla, and Leela gets stuck in to slaughtering clones with a knife while Romana switches off the overblown photocopier that is creating the army.

But Narvin only now reveals that this garage is run by a living mind, but due to budget cut backs, not a sane, sensible, friendly mind, more a kind of Michael Myres homicidal maniac that wants to keep them here for ever and ever and ever and ever!

K9 reveals to Pandora that he’s tricked the gullible good guys into entering the lock-up garage and Pandora immediately fires thermonuclear warheads at the vault – it doesn’t blow up, cause it’s indestructible, innit? But the area outside the garage becomes lethally radioactive, trapping our heroes inside... well, for about twenty seconds before the lot of them enter Wynter’s TARDIS and leave in perfect safety anyway.

Wynter’s TARDIS reappears in the ruins of the Galactic University which Romana decides to use as her new Batcave of operations and work out a plan to kill off that cow Pandora ASAP!!

Episode 12: Bloodshed

Checking the Matrix, Romana discovers that the entry for Pandora hasn’t been updated in like ever and this is a ridiculously good omen. However, what ISN’T a good omen is that Anon’s childhood rival Janartis has sold them all out to Pandora and told her about their secret base, which they haven’t even finished decorating yet!

But once again, Leela is just too damn good at this warfare business and using solar panels as shields, Romana’s troops are not only able to survive the staser fire, but absorb the energy and power up a massive force field around the Galactic University.

Unable to take them by force, Darkel stands outside the force field and calls on Narvin to negotiate. Finally, Narvin does so... mainly to shut the annoying bitch up for once... and Darkel tells him at length that she intends to betray Pandora (ooh, what a surprise!) and seize control of Gallifrey (another shocker!) and wants Narvin to help her kill Romana and the rebels (dear god, I feel faint!). She also fits a small nuclear bomb to Narvin’s clothes and then runs off, cackling evilly to herself. Narvin throws the bomb after her, but tragically doesn’t kill her in the ensuing explosion.

Romana decides it’s time to put her cunning plan into action, but refuses to tell anyone what it is in case they "jinx it". Just then, Matthias finds he’s got a present in the post from "Auntie Darkel" and Hallan foolishly opens before anyone can stop him, to find a jack-in-the-box with a Pylene 50 gun there which immediately brainwashes him to the cult of Pandora.

So that’s a bit of a bummer.

Matthias promises to make amends and does so by contacting Darkel, saying he wants to help her, and shutting down the force field. As you can imagine, this falls short of most people’s definition of "making amends". Darkel and her stooges immediate enter and try to kill everyone, but Anon and his crack troops have set up an ambush. Darkel tries to convince everyone that her assistant Janartis is a suicide bomber, but no one falls for it and she is locked up. Hahah.

Romana, Leela and Narvin escape into the Matrix and emerge in the APC Net Server Café by cunningly emailing themselves there. There, they use the mighty powers of the Matrix to trick Pandora into entering the Matrix when she actually thinks she’s entering the executive washroom. Pandora is now being sucked into the recycle bin of the massive computer system, but using her own computer virus – the Robot Dogma Virus – she intends to take total control of the Matrix and become Supreme Ruler of the Entire Universe. Or something like that.

Romana simply tells K9 to destroy the Matrix and everything in it to get rid of Pandora once and for all, but she and K9 are saved from a noble sacrifice by Narvin and Leela, the only two people on the planet willing to actually save her since she’s still President.

The Matrix has been destroyed forever, Gallifrey is a shadow of its former self, but the civil war is over and Romana announces that she desperately needs a vacation after all this crap...

Episode 13: Apropos of Nothing

With life on Gallifrey reduced to the technological level of 1970s England complete with power cuts, shoddy communications and nothing but repeats on television, Chancellor Valleys is declared acting-President since Romana is off sick with a migraine. The fact he was a two-faced double-dealing traitor actually makes him more suitable for the role, but finds the lack of internet porn now the Matrix is gone more than he can honestly bear – which is why he gives all his duties to newly-appointed-as-Cardinal Matthias and idly does a Sudoku book.

Darkel meanwhile has escaped from jail and decides to spend the day tormenting Romana with emotional cruelty and blaming her for all the chaos and needless death while glossing over the fact that Darkel herself was responsible for most of it. Finally the former Inquisitor shuts the hell up as alarms go off!

While trying to check the fuse box, K9 has accidentally switched off the transduction barriers and the Moaning Host time ships swoop down upon the planet and materialize in the Capitol, disgorging soldiers that storm through the streets, spreading panic, confusion and death. Luckily, there’s been so much of that lately everyone copes.

Leela dives into the fray once more with new and interesting people to kill. Janartis meanwhile decides to offer Romana to the alien invaders – since she is the one they’re technically angry with – but Matthias comes to the rescue and restores the barrier around the Capitol, cutting off reinforcements and trapping the invaders with Leela and soon they are all wiped out. Matthias decides to try and negotiate with the Temporal Powers while Darkel’s incessant bitching finally makes the newly-convened High Council snap and agree to her demands for an election for a new President.

While Matthias tries to sweet talk three very annoyed alien empires, Darkel bullies Valleys into resigning as Acting-President and naming her as his successor, despite the fact they’re both convicted war criminals. Romana however, points out that she never actually resigned and is technically still President and even if Darkel gets the other Time Lords to depose her, she can STILL choose her own successor.

Her choice? Herself. Again.

This is perfectly legal and Darkel swears violently.

Meanwhile, negotiations haven’t gone well. In fact, they’ve gone bleeding awful and the Temporal Power end up vowing to destroy Gallifrey utterly for luring students to a Galactic University and then blowing them all up. Nevertheless, Matthias is pretty cheerful, as Darkel’s desperate attempts to change legislation have accidentally left HIM as Vice-President of Gallifrey.

K9 finally realizes he’s going to have to sort this out himself and repairs the transduction barriers an expands the field around the Capitol to cover the whole planet – and its expands smashes all the alien war fleets to dust, saving the Time Lords from a long and destructive war but ALSO leaving them the only viable time travelling power in the whole universe!

Much to K9’s annoyance, this DOESN’T make him eligible to be President!

Episode 14: Darkel’s Mindfucked

With its former allies declaring all-out war on Gallifrey, its greatest technological achievement reduced to surrealist modern art installations, half its population dead and disease and deprivation stalking the Continent of Large Stalky Things, the Time Lords focus on what is REALLY important.

They’re having an election.

Yes. Really.

Romana, Darkel, and Matthias are in a three-horse race for the highest office in the universe – which means of course that Darkel has to channel the spirit of Servalan like there’s no tomorrow and cheat her way to the top. Indeed, before Valleys the acting returning officer can finish reading out their names, Darkel has already called Romana a high traitor, by definition an ex-president and Darkel herself is the highest legal authority on Gallifrey.

Unfortunately for her, thanks to the messed-up Gallifreyan legal system, the electoral candidates are the de facto government until further notice, so Romana is not only eligible to run for office but can also declare herself pardoned as a political prisoner.

But both Romana and Darkel are surprised when Matthias decides to impeach Romana and has her arrested, meaning there are now only TWO candidates for the election and the most popular choice is now in a cell. Cunning bastard, huh? He also suggests Darkel annul Romana’s presidency from the moment when it all began to fall apart to create a public perception of Romana’s incompetence without raising the question of WHY she was allowed to stay in a position of power for so long. Cackling evilly, Darkel chooses the moment she herself freed Pandora, just because she’s a total bitch – and from that moment onward everything Romana did is legally null and void!

The crowd, who rather like Romana, boo and hiss at Darkel in a pantomime fashion for this unpopular move of petty spite, and support immediately goes to Matthias instead. Furious at being tricked, Darkel spits on the floor and storms off in a sulk.

Meantime, Narvin appoints K9 as Romana’s top brass lawyer and K9 appoints Leela as his put-upon, sexually-harassed temp, thus allowing them to talk to Romana in custody. Luckily, new Castellan Anon is a good pal of theirs and allows them to chat all they like. The naughty Janartis tries to betray them to Darkel, but they’re both so stupid even when they can listen to every word being said they STILL don’t think the main characters might have any cunning plan.

Darkel hires Janartis to assassinate Matthias during their televised Q&A broadcast, hosted by Tony Jones, ideally at the moment that Darkel can tirade about the evilness of tyranny and violence. Unfortunately, Janartis such a bloody awful shot he hits DARKEL by accident. He then is immediately caught because he stupidly forgotten to cover his face and the only person who doesn’t instantly recognize him is the blinded Leela – and SHE’S the one who trips him up and captures him anyway!

But, in one of those twists of fate, the sheep-like public decide that the assassin must have been sent by Matthias to kill Darkel and allow him to win the election by default, so everyone votes (well, everyone who BOTHERS to vote) for Darkel and she wins the election!

But even as Darkel does an embarrassing Snooby dance of electoral victory, a similar figure in a dodgy 70s porn moustache bursts into the Panopticon: Braxiatel himself! Yes, that trip to the Bennyverse turned out NOT to be the nice quiet rest cure he expected, and after some nasty business involving a Cyberman colony, a Draconian territorial dispute and, oh yes, the expansion of the Dustbin bleeding Empire, he’s decided it’d be much safer back home. Since the Matrix is gone, the evil from the dawn of time in his brain is harmless, and so he’s back – and he’s in a meeeeeeeeaaaaaaannnn mood.

An outgoing President traditionally names their successor, and if this is impossible, then the Chancellor takes the position. Braxiatel is Chancellor, ergo, he is the new President, not Darkel.

Furious, Darkel points out that she tricked Romana into stripping Braxiatel of that title, but Matthias points out that HE tricked HER into annulling Romana’s decisions halfway through episode seven and so Braxiatel is legally Chancellor AGAIN! Darkel has just defeated herself and is now arrested for her litany of crimes! OOOOH, NIRVANA!!

In one last monumental act of supreme and unsurpassed bitchiness, Darkel orders Braxiatel to resign as President immediately and name her his successor – or else she will call to the mindless Pandora essence still inside Braxiatel’s mind and have it utterly destroy his brain.

Braxiatel tells Darkel to do something unprintable with the Rod of Rassilon, and the sadistic Inquisitor calls upon Pandora to eat his mind from the inside out. But this proves to be one hell of a big mistake – the Pandora essence breaks free from its logic trap (a perpetually looping synopsis of the entire "Lost" series) and consumes the brain of the person present with most greed and ambition.

Which is Darkel.

As the audience cheers and applauds, Darkel screams in agony, begs for mercy and Romana notes the irony – not only is Darkel dying a gnat’s wing away from the success and power she’s always craved, she’s also making sure everyone knows what a total cow she was in life. Plus, if she WASN’T such an underhanded, back-stabbing, racist, ruthless, selfish, manipulating slut, she wouldn’t be dying in the FIRST place, would she? And what with that pesky Dogma Virus around, she can’t even regenerate! She is, in short, the most supremely and totally fucked person in the entire history of Doctor Who.

Darkel’s head finally explodes like a piñata full of brains. The evil, twisted creature is dead at last – and so’s Pandora!

As the Time Lords cry out in joy and celebration, as jubilation reigns, Braxiatel realizes that he actually can’t stand any of the Time Lords and indeed hates all their guts. His new career plan is to turn himself into a rock for five millions years and chill out in the Bennyverse. But before he goes, he will pass the Presidency of the Time Lords onto his chosen successor:


"You have GOT to be fucking kidding me!" boggles Romana...

Episode 15: Pancakes

Yep, Matthias is the new Lord President of the Supreme Council of Time Lords. Which means he is in charge of a ruined planet in the aftermath of civil war, with all its allies turned against it, and on the brink of economic ruin. Frankly, Matthias is welcome to it.

After making his absolute policy priority to use the Chancellery Guard to act as pest exterminator to get rid of the pig-rat infestation of the Capitol, Matthias deals with the next item on his list: the imminent financial collapse of Gallifrey’s companies such as TARDIS Intergalactic, Space Bastards Inc., and Loom For You.

In order to save Gallifrey from a global economic crisis, Matthias strikes a deal with the only shady businessman still prepared to do any business with the Time Lords:

Sabalom Glitz!

But Glitz isn’t interested in mining rights, reconstruction contracts, or pawning out the sexual favors of Chancellery Guards to foreign businessmen. He’s more interested in all of the WMDs Pandora stockpiled during the civil war, which is just the sort of temporal weaponry any decent arms dealer would need in a Temporal Difference of Opinion, should one suddenly ensue...

Having been exiled from the Capitol, Romana does what anyone would do – goes home to scrounge free food and lodging off their rich parents. However, during the civil war her family have fled the ancestral mansion of Hearts Haven and the place is deserted, dusty and overrun with pig-rats. Worse, Romana’s pony Trumper has been killed, eaten and his skin used as a casual jacket by the disgraced Janartis who has claimed squatter’s rights.

Pretending to be Trumpter evolved into humanoid form, the starving and filthy Janartis wishes Romana to stay on as housekeeper, cook and concubine. The ex-President is more depressed than annoyed at the fact he thinks she’d find a guy wearing an old skin a convincing super-evolved pony.

Just then, Leela and K9 arrive and beat the crap out of Janartis – but weakened by starvation and exposure, the no-fist loser dies instantly and is forced to regenerate. But that pesky Dogma Virus means that the swirling regeneration flux doesn’t turn Janartis into a different-looked, Scottish-accented thug but actually a drooling, shambling George A Romero zombie chanting the slogan "Flexi-Time".

So K9 fires a laser beam and incinerates the zombie, unfortunately setting fire to Romana’s ancestral home. However, there is little time to mourn its loss – or think of the insurance money – as Janartis’ zombification proves that Darkel and Rick Pratt really DID release the Dogma Virus and the whole thing hasn’t been one massive con trick. The Time Lords now face the greatest threat of their existence.

Well, since LAST week, anyway.

Romana, Leela and K9 head to Elbon’s Travelling Hospital and try to get his help to cure the Dogma Virus – but he dryly points out he’s already got a quarantine ward full of regenerated Flexi-Time zombies and, frankly it’s old news.

Narvin diverts Castellan Anon from his vital duties hunting pig-rats and collects Leela to address the High Council, while Romana and K9 stay and forcibly help Elbon work out a test to find out who is infected by the Dogma Virus BEFORE they start craving living flesh and ideally also work out a cure. Which could be handy, I suppose.

Elbon idly notes that there are plenty more Flexi-Time zombies wandering around the place, shambling for the catacombs for some reason. Romana and K9 head off to investigate, not realizing that Elbon – like pretty much everyone on Gallifrey – betrayed her and sent her into a trap: the catacombs are under martial law with lots of zombiphobic trigger-happy guard patrols!

Romana and K9 soon find this out the hard way when they get caught between the shambling zombies and the trigger-happy guards. K9 realizes that the Dogma Virus is being spread through pig-rats, which is why Matthias has made the vermin public enemy number one... that and the fact he’s allergic to their fur!

Addressing the High Council, Glitz insists that selling HIM all this unstable temporal weaponry would ensure that none of the Temporal Powers find out they were on Gallifrey, violating all their peace treaties and start yet ANOTHER war – but Chancellor Valleys thinks instead the Time Lords solve their dire need of cash by cornering every betting shop in Mutter’s Spiral and make a fortune using time travel.

Narvin calls his trump card: while all the CIA records proving that Glitz is a total bastard who keeps trying to start 4-Dimensional Time Wars to drum up business may have been destroyed, he has a character witness to testify at Glitz’s lack of character: Leela herself!

After she’s attempted to crush Glitz’s eyeballs with her thumbs and screaming her rather blunt opinion of him at the top of her voice, Leela has to be dragged out of the chamber. The Time Lords decide to rescind her visa as they’re bunch of racist, sexist, snobby mofos – but they’re convinced Glitz is as dodgy as the gay pride segments on The Footy Show and tell the conman to sling his bleeding hook.

Glitz decides that it is time to play hardball: he has the cure to the Dogma Virus, and unless the Time Lords want to die out from lack of regenerations, they have to do what the Andromedan crook demands! He wants Pandora’s arsenal, and if he happens to sell them all to Flexi-Time and the Dustbins, well, that’s THEIR problem, isn’t it?

Matthias agrees to load up a battle-TARDIS with destructive goodness and send Elbon there to make sure the cure works – along with Romana, who has been arrested by the anti-zombie squads for trespass. Since she is cunning, smart and above all expendable, Romana is perfect for the job of making sure Glitz sticks to the deal. Being a clever son of a bitch himself, Matthias has booby-trapped the WMDs to blow up in the face of whoever uses them – so, even if the cure IS a fake, they can still blow the eternal crap out of Flexi-Time and the Dustbins.

In return for her assistance, Narvin agrees to let Romana collect her own TARDIS and travel the universe as a feckless renegade bum – just like her long-forgotten ex-husband, the Doctor. Romana by now is so sick of Gallifrey she’ll be quite happy to be gone. And she’s not the only one a bit down: Leela’s decided to go on a suicide pact involving her slaughtering Glitz, then herself so she can join her husband in the afterlife and shag like pre-pubescent rabbits.

Stalking Glitz, she follows him to his ship as he chats on his mobile and tries to gut him like a fish, but Glitz offers to buy his survival buy giving her a Star Trek TNG visor that he personally mugged Geordi la Forge for. Leela likes having her sight restored, but admits she likes killing people much more. But the distraction allows Glitz to escape, and he takes the visor with him.

At the CIA base, Romana prepares to leave on her final journey – and is mightily pissed off when Leela and K9 refuse to come with her. K9’s taken up Matthias’ offer as Official Pig-Rat Exterminator, and wishes to begin his new career path at once. Leela however just wants to stay and finish off Glitz and so, abandoned by even her closest friends, Romana tells Gallifrey it can go fuck itself and heads off with Elbon.

Glitz’s co-ordinates send the battle-TARDIS on a complex path through time and space that causes it to pass through Pakistani, Moaning, Sintauri and even Dustbin space; this is presumably to prevent it from being followed but also because it’s the first and only story this season not set on Gallifrey and they’re trying to make the most of it with a whistle-stop tour of the cosmos.

The battle-TARDIS finally crash-lands on the planet Arcadia, in the Braxiatel Collection run by none other Braxiatel and his army of robo-butlers. Yes, it turns out that Braxiatel was the evil fucktard behind everything – or is that what we’re SUPPOSED to think?!

Back on Gallifrey, Glitz relieves himself on a junction box and causes a power failure throughout the Capitol – shutting down the force fields that were holding back the ever-growing army of Flexi-Time zombies, and allowing Glitz to escape into the dark. Trouble is, he’s being chased by Leela who doesn’t give a pair of fetid dingo’s kidneys about whether the lights are on or not. What’s more, Narvin discovers all the Temporal Powers have put a price on Glitz’s head for his earlier attempts to spark a war, so the Time Lords have decided to use the bounty to refund their civilization.

But Glitz is saved at the last second by K9, who has been betraying Gallifrey all along. He didn’t just go temporarily evil when he was working with Pandora, he’s gone COMPLETELY evil and been double-crossing, back-stabbing and betraying every single individual person he’s spoken to ever since – just in case you were wondering about his unclear motivation in Christopher Eccleston’s swan song "The Parting of the Legs".

Holding Narvin and Leela at nose-laser-point, K9 contacts Braxiatel and the moustache-twirling bastard activates his time scoop, bringing all three of them to Arcadia – along with the BioData Archive that they happened to be standing in at the time. Glitz and K9 were working with Braxiatel all the time: while on extended vacation, Braxiatel learned from an MSN conversation with his future self that, without Pandora as dictator-for-life, Gallifrey would be destroyed by a monstrous force and so Braxiatel has decided to steal all the nifty Gallifreyan artifacts he can to put on display in his Time Lord Objets D’art Section. Plus, now he has the BioData Archive, he can restore all the Time Lords after the ones on Gallifrey are wiped out in the oncoming Dustbin-shaped cataclysm. Arcadia’s is in a slow-time field that protects it from the rest of the universe, you see, so it can’t POSSIBLY be destroyed unless all of creation is falling apart...

Back on Gallifrey, the Flexi-Time Zombie Apocalypse gets out of control as the undead roam the streets of the power-drained Capitol. President Matthias is wetting himself with terror and has no idea what to do – they don’t even have the energy to play a DVD of "Shaun of the Dead" to get any useful tips. Is this the end?!

On Arcadia, Glitz finally hands over the cure to the Dogma Virus – cunning disguised as instant pancake mixture, which Braxiatel guarantees will work. There is, however, one slight side effect: the cure removes the Time Lord ability to regenerate, leaving them mere mortals. In order to save their species, they must give up the one advantage they have over all other races.

"I know," Glitz sighs as this news is revealed. "Life is normally SO much fairer, isn’t it?"

Braxiatel explains he chose Matthias to be President because he hates the arrogant little tit, and new the next President would be the one to go down with the planet in the upcoming holocaust. He thus decides that Romana should be the one to choose: either let the Time Lords die at the hands of the zombies and reboot Gallifrey 2.0 – or allow her people to survive as mere mortals.

Unfortunately, Elbon got completely sick of this soap opera Jackanory rubbish and has stolen the pancake mixture, intending to sell it to the Time Lords and make a fortune. Alas, he trips over a robo-butler and breaks his neck, regenerating into a Flexi-Time zombie himself!

But before anyone can do anything, zombie-Elbon flees into the battle TARDIS and takes off – the zombies have control of Gallifreyan Traffic Control! Glitz manages to smuggle himself aboard the ship, intending to pilot the TARDIS to the Microsoft Sans-Serif Galaxy to sell the goods to the Dustbins - however, he realizes rather too late that jumping into a TARDIS with a flesh-eating zombie may not have been the safest move. When it eats him.

Romana, Leela, K9, Braxiatel and Narvin are now trapped on Arcadia with no way back as Gallifrey is overrun by zombies without any chance of escape as the zombie cure and a stockpile of booby-trapped time weapons hurtles away from them – things have gone pear-shaped right enough. Finally everyone turns to Romana for an answer.

"Oh, that’s it," she mocks. "Come crawling back, have you?"

Thinking quickly, Romana reverses the polarity of the time scoop to draw the battle TARDIS back to Arcadia, but the time scoop explodes... and by curious coincidence dumps the quintet back on Gallifrey.

Zombie-Elbon has already started the biggest fried breakfast in Time Lord history and pancake after pancake is spread throughout the zombies with frightening speed. By the time Romana and her posse even know what the hell is going on, all the zombies have been cured and the non-zombies like Matthias and Anon are happily munching down on pancakes.

Romana screams at the new President for being a complete idiot who’s just robbed all the Time Lords of Gallifrey of their regenerations and everyone except her, Braxiatel and Narvin are now on their last lives.

Just then a fleet of Dustbin war ships appear in the skies overhead as the Dustbins decide it’s time to stop mucking about with Flexi-Time and conquer Gallifrey when its at its weakest. Thinking quickly, Romana orders the whole of Gallifrey projected 2000 years into the future, escaping the Dustbins by, well, 2000 years.

As the doomed race, the last of the Time Lord line, wonder what the hell they should do now, Romana snaps that they’re going to start by shutting the fuck up and actually listening to her for once.

"We can’t run away any more, and the Dustbins are going to keep trying to take over the universe. Well, we’re going to stop them. We are going to take those tin-plated wankers on and wipe out every last motherfucking one of the obsessive-compulsive shits! We’re going to work together for once to actually STOP the Dustbins rather than piss about with anarchy, unrest and pessimism! Pull yourselves together! And prepare for the Last, Great Temporal Difference of Opinion!!"

"How could this get any worse?" moans Narvin to himself.

Meanwhile, the Eighth Doctor, Charley Pollard and Cecil Rizz Esquire cling to their TARDIS console as they reenter their old home universe like a bullet in the butt of a bat out of hell...

Book(s)/Other Related – The Time Lords’ End of Daze (Canada Only)
"My Opinion of Temporal Differences" by Russell T Davies

Fluffs – Mary Tamm seemed to be an evil older than recorded history itself during of this spin-off audio series sequel.

"I am Leela of the Seven Dwarves..."

Fashion Victims –
Tragically, the Time Lords can’t even face certain extinction with any decent style, with the 1969 monochrome tabard look from "The Wank Games" suddenly coming back into vogue.

Goofs – They didn’t kill off Darkel last year.

Dialogue Disasters -

NARVIN: Goddamn it, Leela, I’m a spy not a politician!

GLITZ: As my incredibly unpopular 80s Doctor Who spin-off sitcom was called... "How Much For Just The Planet?"

NARVIN: He’s sold us, Leela! All of us – even you!
LEELA: this true?
K9: Mistress. This unit is designated K9 Mk II.
LEELA: Have you betrayed us? Have YOU betrayed ME?
K9: Coordinator Narvin does not understand, Mistress.
LEELA: Neither do I, K9!
K9: This unit set this all up.
LEELA: Yes...
K9: The unit was waiting for you, Mistress...
(Leela stabs K9 three times. The knife bounces off.)
K9: Mistress?
LEELA: NOW you’re just showing off.

Dialogue Triumphs –

Darkel’s dying words:
"Oh, dame fortune deals her cards like a Mississippi boat whore!"

MATTHIAS: Esteemed Councilors, Gallifrey cannot afford another war. Economically, anyhow.
VALLEYS: Oh, I don’t know. I can think of all sorts who deserve putting down. Who would shed a tear if we waged a Temporal Difference of Opinion with the Snotarans, say? Or the Dustbins? Raise some war bonds! Make some cash! Boost morale!
NARVIN: So much for non-intervention! Would anyone else care to join this conga over Rassilon’s grave? Or shall we go straight to the Macarena and put on the Pet Shop Boys?!

NARVIN: You know, when the teachers said "ANYONE could be president", they never realized how right they were. That’s five of them elected, impeached, resigned and assassinated just today!

GLITZ: I wish Gallifrey all the best in its inexorable decline, inevitable fall and incontrovertible destruction in an artificial supernova while being overrun by Dustbin warships. You might think me pessimistic. I’m just being realistic.

BRAXIATEL: There are rumors out there in the big wide universe – more than rumors, SPOILERS even – that something is... coming. To Gallifrey. Something worse than you could possibly imagine. They call it the Moxx of Baloon! Irony of ironies, had the Imperiatrix ruled Gallifrey – had PANDORA ruled Gallifrey – she’d have put down this threat, crushed the Moxx utterly, without pity, using these dreadful weapons. But now that aberrant timeline has been snuffed out, now the Dogma Virus is spreading across the planet, Gallifrey is weakened! TOO weak to resist what’s coming, I fear. You’re doomed! ALL DOOMED!

Glitz’s dying words:
"Oi, half a millisecond! Don’t you manhandle me, you parasite! I’ve got a heart condition! Yeah, and children! Lots and lots and lots of not-strictly-legitimate children! All who need maintenance! All with good lawyers! So don’t you even THINK about hurting me, not unless you want to be paying compensation till doomsday!! ARGH! No, no, no, put me down! ARHHH! Stop biting me! OW! ORGH! ARRRRRRGGGGHHHHH!"

Viewer’s Quotes –

"Inquisitor Darkel: the OTHER bitch in white. And now she’s DEAD!"
- Jared Hansen (2008)

"God, it’s worse than the Thalidomide offspring of The West Wing and Yes, Minister with the oldest civilization apparently exactly the same as modern-day England! NONE of the companions behave how they should, the dialogue is crap, the zombies are rubbish and the ending is ripped right out of the still-breathing corpse of The Italian Job. Snog, marry AND avoid!" - Margaret Rutherford (2007)

"I’d have to say that Roman/Leela lesbo romances are the best on offer, just ahead of Peri/Eminem lesbo dominatrix self-hate relationships and the casual Charley/everything pairings." - Scary Fan Fic Writer (2010)

"Zombies again! Is it Christmas already, mummy?"
- Justin Richards (2007)

- Confused Person when K9 becomes Romana’s lawyer (2009)

"I never actually bothered to listen to any Gallifrey stories after The Other Pollard Girl. It pretty much peaked then and everything else seemed redundant. Are there any good ones after it, do you think?"
- Cameron J Mason bluffs his way on G90210 (2009)

Lalla Ward Speaks!
"No, I’m not really upset that Romana seems to have died horribly at the end of a long and futile war that destroyed everything she ever tried to manage. She IS, after all, just a fictional character. If she was real or something like that, it would be heartbreaking. But I’m sure RTD will be more than prepared to sacrifice his principles and resurrect Gallifrey and all the Time Lords if I ask him nicely. And if Moffat takes over, I don’t even have to ask nicely. I just have to say, "Do it, you despicable worm!" and it’s done. Moffat pays me good money to say that to him over the phone, you know. Even MORE for a cuddle."

Louise Jameson Speaks!
"Is it a sad ending? Not really. I actually know for a fact that Leela survives the destruction of Gallifrey and the war with the Dustbins, the only trouble is, that’s because she has to get captured and tortured by the alien Zanies and being away from the Time Lords boring morphogenic fields causes her to age a year a day and facing certain, inescapable death... She’s got her eyesight back, though."

John Leeson Speaks!
"I’m not fussed, I’ve got work going in Doctor Who, The Sarah Jane Misadventures and The K9 Exploitation. But not Touchwood, though. I have my standards. K9’s too good for those oversexed sheep-shaggers."

Lynda Bellingham Speaks!
"Frankly, I’m glad the bitch is dead. There’s some rumors that Darkel’s survived, regenerated and used that fob watch business to make herself human, and now she’s calling herself Sylvia Noble... but I’d much rather if she survived Pandora only to die properly, screaming, in absolute agony being scrubbed out of existence by the Dustbins. Mmm. Happy thoughts, don’t you think?"

Miles Richardson Speaks!
"Does Braxiatel survive the Temporal Difference of Opinion and the destruction of Gallifrey and the Time Lords? Well, YOU might think that but I, alas, couldn’t possibly comment."

Rumors –

2007 began under a cloud of misery and despair for Doctor Who. Not only had the previous’ years content been 99% indigestible crap and spawned off the abomination known as season one of Touchwood, Rose Tyler was gone forever. More importantly, Billie Piper was gone forever. And in those long, painful six months before set reports twigged Billie was back for the 2008 season, people were feeling low.

How better than for Big Finish to jump on the bandwagon with the most depressing and nihilistically pointless series ever – yet another season of Gallifrey 90210, the entire cast of which were canonically destined to be slaughtered in the Temporal Difference of Opinion. Thus, KNOWING there couldn’t be a happy ending, script editor Gay Russell decided to make things even MORE depressing and miserable than before, content in the knowledge no matter HOW bad things got, they could just get worse. And Darkel was rewritten to be even MORE of a sadistic, power-mad whore than she’d been the previous year.

Chosen to pen the final season were Stephen Cole (since he’d started this mess back in 2000), Stewart Sheargold (coz everything he writes is Sheer Gold – HAH! Can’t believe it’s taken me this long to think up that gag), Paul Sutton (for some reason), Justin Richards (because he personally requested the privilege of snuffing Darkel) and Alan Barnes (the only one who knew how to tie up the ending with both the main Doctor Who line, the new TV series and Dustbin Umpire).

With the final scenes dovetailing beautifully with the sex and violence opening (oo-er) of Other Lies, wherein the Eighth Doctor, Charley and C’Rizz decide to avoid being conscripted to fight the Temporal Difference of Opinion and wacky misunderstandings ensue, was there anywhere left for Gallifrey 90210 to go?

The last word can only be left with the stirring sing-a-long Romana gives her beleaguered colleagues as they face total defeat on all sides and an impending Dustbin-shaped Armageddon, and then the rest is almost but not quite silence...

The Dogma Virus has come and gone
The Dustbins want to kill everyone
We must accept what is done is done
So let’s take on the fucking Dustbins!

Mourn your dead, Old Gallifrey!
If you want to be a hero follow me!
Mourn your dead, Old Gallifrey!
If you want to be a hero follow me...

And now Time Lords need unity
To save time space causality
We can no longer afford our enmity
So let’s take on the fucking Dustbins!

Mourn your dead, Old Gallifrey!
If you want to be a hero follow me!
Mourn your dead, Old Gallifrey!
If you want to be a hero follow me...

We must prepare for the last time war
Get N-Forms, Bowships, and weapons more
Or else the universe is done for
So let’s take on the fucking Dustbins!

Mourn your dead, Old Gallifrey!
If you want to be a hero follow me!
Mourn your dead, Old Gallifrey!
If you want to be a hero follow me...

We need all Time Lords to fight the fight
Summon renegades to face Dustbin might
And us Gallifreyans are a sorry sight
So let’s take on the fucking Dustbins!

Mourn your dead, Old Gallifrey!
If you want to be a hero follow me!
Mourn your dead, Old Gallifrey!
If you want to be a hero follow me...

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