Monday, June 1, 2009

The Condemned

Serial CP1 – Contempt of Charley
An Alternative Program Guide by Ewen Campion-Clarke
Another Entry in the EC Unauthorized Guide O' Armed Bastards

The last time we saw Charlotte E Bah Gum Pollard, she was trapped in the middle of a Cyberman Stealth Bunker that was promptly annihilated in a massive fireball that made Hiroshima look like two fleas having a light-your-own-farts competition.

Exactly how she survived this we may never actually discover, but she has nevertheless managed it and is now marooned on a desert island in the radiation-soaked desert islands on Earth in the year 500,000. With nothing to do, she continues to write her slanderous and explicit sexual memoirs in between texting "SOS" furiously on a mobile telephone she stole from one Nigel Verkoff Esq.

Charley is unhealthily convinced someone will be listening somewhere and is not remotely surprised when the familiar form of the TARDIS materializes on the beach right beside her. She races inside to give the Doctor a celebratory knocking, only to stop in her tracks...

...the TARDIS is no longer a semi-organic Moya-rip off with lots of metal and coral, but instead a tiny plastic set with a control console consisting of two BBC Micros and an Atari gameboy. Worse, the person standing by the controls is not her Byronesque, leather-jacket clad Doctor but instead some freaky Ronald McDonald loony.

Quickly putting three and three together, Charley realizes that the Eighth Doctor has not in fact come to her rescue, but his Sixth incarnation has! Not only does this cause all sorts of potential temporal paradoxes, this incarnation is gay and will no doubt refuse her advances no matter how good she is in bed...

Giving her name as Charlotte Church, she asks to be taken half a million years back in time to Cardiff Bay. The Doctor, firmly believing that Charley is completely and utterly insane, idly asks how a 21st Century Welsh choir singer got to be stranded in the year 500,000? Charley notes it is a long, uneventful story which was actually incredibly complicated and involved lots of time vortex STDs, Cybermen, predestination and the Bermuda Triangle.

The Doctor muses on this and finally agrees with her that he probably doesn’t need to hear the rest.

With its usual sickening unreliability, the TARDIS fetches up not in Cardiff, New Year’s Day 2007 but instead in a Manchester council flat in 1979, beside the smoking corpse of the apartment owner. The Doctor goes to investigate, shouting at Charley when she pinches his arse. His attempts to divine who the murderer is or what his motive are further hampered by her groping and finally he forces her bodily out of the flat and tells her to do something useful like contact the police.

Charley pouts and heads along to the next run-down flat along. When she knocks on the door, it opens and a large comedy mallet is used to bludgeon her unconscious before unseen figures drag her inside.

The Doctor meanwhile has concluded that murder victim was not living in the apartment but hiding from his murderer who was obsessed with some Space: 1999 commemorative collector dishes when the whole apartment block is surrounded by armed coppers. DI Gene "the Gene Genie" Hunt pulls out a handgun and tells the strangely-dressed nutter to step away from the window or die of lead poisoning.

The Doctor immediately flirts with the gun-totting copper, and is thus taken completely by surprise when the door bursts open and officers swarm in, beat him up and arrest him. Hunt himself personally kicks the Doctor in the bollocks for claiming that the police box in the corner belongs to him. "Patronizing me can be bad for your health," he announces and drags the Time Lord back to the station.

Having been placed on trial by the highest of all evolutionaries for crimes that would shatter human brains right down the middle with their incomprehensible magnitude, the Doctor finds being a murder suspect by ape-descended primitives a peace of piss. Not only does he refuse a solicitor and act ridiculously confident of getting off scott free, whenever he is asked an awkward question a disturbing gleam appears in his eye and he starts to whistle "Are Friends Electric?"

Gene Hunt puts up with this passive resistance for about fifty-five seconds, picks up a copy of the Yellow Pages, and proceeds to beat the Time Lord senseless – only stopping to ferry new police recruits into the cell so they can observe professional interrogation in action.

Meanwhile, Charley wakes up to find herself stripped naked and handcuffed to a bed by a girl called Maxine who is willing to allow Charley some Indian food in return for sadistic beatings.

Charley, of course, has absolutely NO problem with this.

Back at the station, the murdered body has transformed into a gooey alien creature in the police morgue. Gene takes this with his usual open-mindedness and drags the Doctor to the morgue by the hair to explain what the fuck is actually going on. The Doctor explains that the murder victim was an illegal alien – literally, and the police can either pretend none of this happened or allow the Doctor to discover the true mystery!!

Gene has the Doctor thrown in the cells as DC Chris Skelton and DS Ray Carling take turns in torturing him with high pressure hoses and a liquid cosh. Finally the Time Lord decides that he has had enough of this shit and strangles the pair of them unconscious, heads down to the morgue, throws the alien corpse into the bin and lies under a blanket.

When the forensic pathologist Dr. Aldrich arrives, the Doctor throws off his blank and reveals that he wasn’t actually dead, merely unconscious. In the confused belief that the murder victim just happens to look exactly like the murder suspect, Aldrich lets him leave and declares the Doctor innocent as no one was actually murdered.

When Gene Hunt hears about this, he bemoans the diminishing returns of medical training, shows Dr. Aldrich’s head into a fridge and slams the door shut on his neck fifteen times to teach him a lesson about being so bloody gullible.

Back at the apartment block, Charley’s endless orgy of humiliating sex and Indian food is marred only by strange prank phone calls from some guy called Sam Tyler, who has been ringing everyone in a desperate attempt to escape from a coma. Assuming this is some kind of dirty phone call, Charley lets loose a deafening fake orgasm and hangs up.

A similar obscene phone conversation is underway between Gene Hunt and the Doctor as the Time Lord ridicules Hunt’s fellow police officer for being a bunch of brain-dead 1970s cliches. However, he doesn’t want there to be any hard feelings and suggests Hunt join him in the TARDIS for a romantic dinner for two and perhaps watch a Spaghetti Western?

Gene Hunt agrees, but the moment they actually meet he reveals it was just a pretext to allow the copper to go medieval on the Doctor’s behind. The Time Lord dives into the TARDIS, dematerializes and rematerializes again to prove his story of being a time-travelling alien who just happened to arrive in the crime scene.

Gene STILL decks him, out of principle.

As the Doctor relocates his jaw, he and Gene discuss the dead alien – one Gregor Shinxindisguise – and wonder what an alien would be doing on Earth. Was he assessing the planet’s economic potential ahead of making official first contact? Or was he covertly trading with people here whilst avoiding making first contact? Or, as Gene Hunt suggests, was he just on a sex holiday which explains Bailey’s wife?

The Doctor and Gene Hunt visit Antonia Bailey and delicately skirt round the issue she was married to a dead alien who also seemed to have a nasty yeast infection. They skirt around it so well that Antonia never suspects a thing and thus they learn absolutely nothing whatsoever.

Finally, Gene decides to cut the crap and demands to know, "Listen, sweetheart, are you a bleeding Clanger or what?!"

Antonia screams that all relevant expository information is actually held by Dr. Aldrich the police pathologist, so the Doctor and Gene Hunt immediately rush there and demand to know why he’s helping the alien underground? Tragically, just as Aldrich is about to reveal all, the Doctor accidentally knocks over a conveniently-placed jar of hydrochloric acid... for cliffhanger purposes... and they all collapse from hideous poison fumes.

The Doctor reveals the one cure is for them to eat vast amounts of chocolate, and that is how the cliffhanger is resolved. Gene Hunt correctly suspected the Doctor was just looking for an excuse to indulge in his chocolate lust.

Aldrich gets back to his revelations about who is the evil Mr. Big about this operation... one Mr. Robert James Big. The Doctor laughs his ass off at this obviously pack of lies, but Gene Hunt points out that HE is on the case and if the Time Lord doesn’t wish to get belted into the previous week, he’ll shut up and assist with inquiries.

They immediate return to Gene’s prize Ford Cortina, and immediately start high-speed chases through the back streets of Manchester, sending empty cardboard boxes everywhere. The Doctor, delighted, urges Gene Hunt to drive faster as they don’t want to lose whoever the hell they happen to be chasing. "We’re already going at the speed of a spastic in a magnet factory!" Gene retorts, before playing some appropriate music on the car stereo, and soon "Popcorn" is playing as they drive their target off the road, causing a huge pile up... with Mr. Robert James Big’s dead body right in the middle of it!

Deciding that this plot thread is unlikely to improve, the Doctor decides to catch a bus back to the estate and check up on what "Charlotte Church" has been doing with herself in the meantime.

Back at the apartment of sin, Charley is bored of being the ‘sub’ part of ‘sub/dom’ and grabs Maxine in a headlock and snogs her with such passion Maxine eventually passes out from oxygen starvation. After fending off another phone call from Sam, Charley leaves the apartment and throws one of her voyeuristic customers off the building.

As she returns to the lift the internal phone rings and it is Sam Tyler again. Charley lifts the receiver and tells him she doesn’t CARE if he gets out of his deathbed coma so stop ringing her with this existential "am-I-dreaming-or-is-this-real?" bullshit. In fact, she’s so pissed off at him, she intents to track Tyler down and give him what-for... or maybe even what-five! THAT is how annoyed she is!

After wandering around aimlessly for a few episodes, she heads down to the basement and discovers not only is it blacker than a black cat in a coal cellar at midnight, but she can only hear Sam Tyler’s whining cry baby bitching via a phone. So Charley leaves the basement, intent on taking every phone she can find off the hook.

Alas, no sooner does she step out into the light she is, once more, a large comedy mallet is used to bludgeon her unconscious before unseen figures drag her out of sight.

Charley recovers consciousness to find herself hanging upside down from the ceiling by piano wire as Maxine reveals her real name is Anthony! The transsexual demands to know what happened to the dead guy in the first episode, before revealing she doesn’t really care and wants only an excuse to repeatedly spank Charley’s pert bottom.

Outside, the Doctor arrives at the eerily quiet block of flats, so he rings up Gene Hunt to narrate events in a half-credible manner, totally ignoring the DCI’s shouts of "Look, you quack, I’m not even remotely interested if it’s too quiet or too dark or if the souls of the damned are screaming from every broken window! Stop hogging the phone line!"

However, every phone in the building is ringing as Sam Tyler desperately tries to make contact with the outside world. At the moment of maximum spookiness, the Doctor kicks the door down, snatches up the phone and introduces him to Sam. "No, I’m not part of an intensive care unit for coma patients, why do you ask?"

After listening to the ramblings of Sam Tyler, the Doctor is able to confirm – in his expert opinion of course – that the copper was not somehow sent back in time by a bang on the head, but instead was a perfectly ordinary 1970s copper whose physical state has been changed and he has been absorbed into the fabric of the council flats. Everything else is just him being a loony.

"I bet you’re glad to have this sorted out, eh, Sam?" asks the Doctor cheerfully as doors slam shut. "So, are you a member of BUPA?"

Sam replies by screaming that if he cannot leave this apartment block, then NO ONE shall leave it! The Doctor is outraged and tells Sam to do something useful with his new supernatural powers instead of having a pathetic temper tantrum like a bitch.

Meanwhile, Gene Hunt beats up some scrotes who happened to be in the area and soon manages – via some rabid ferrets – to discover a fat bloke called Big Ron is actually behind it all. Big Ron denies everything, then takes out a gun and shoots Aldrich dead – which he insists is a completely coincidental matter and entirely unrelated with all the problems in the main plot thread.

Big Ron reveals that he runs the alien underground on Earth and tricked Sam Tyler into opening an ACME Ghost Making Kit, thereby downloading Sam’s consciousness into the building itself and coincidentally driving him nuts. Big Ron explains his main objective was trying to find out if there was any point to the powerful device and it looks like the answer is: none.
Gene Hunt soon has Big Ron stripped naked and tied to a pool table while the DCI violently inserts snooker cues into part of the gangster’s flabby anatomy. After the third game, Big Ron cracks and explains that reversing the polarity of the ACME Ghost Making Kit can restore Sam Tyler back to this plane of existence.

Gene Hunt storms into the apartment block, headbutts Anthony unconscious and uses the ACME Ghost Making Kit to summon Sam back into reality, headbutts Anthony again and tells the Doctor and Charley to get the hell out of his city.

The Doctor and Charley return to the TARDIS, and take turns in pointing out that downloading Big Finish stories without paying or permission is a crime and every time you click 'Save Target As' a kitten dies screaming of asphyxiation and everyone with a soul goes around buying the CDs from shops with proper cash and stuff.

Infuriating, isn’t it?

Book(s)/Other Related -
Doctor Who And The Hunt of Gene
Charley Pollard Versus The Gene Genie
Ashes to Ashes: Funk to Funky

Fluffs – India Fisher seemed to be in a coma, mad and living on another planet simultaneously for most of this story.
"I don’t know what I’m saying!" "So I gather. Mmmm. This talking lark, it’s quite tricky, isn’t it?"

Goofs –
Charley’s pubic hair is differently coloured on the front cover and the sleeve notes.
SOMEONE has to notice these things!!!

Technobabble -
"It works on a kind of zero radiation wave changing the state of contaminated objects be they solid, liquid or gas and allowing environmental permeation communication input reversal!"
"Cobblers! It doesn’t take a degree in applied bollocks to know what’s going on – this place is bleedin haunted! Honestly, I’ve seen cesspits with more brains..."

Links and References -
Charley was left for dead in the far-future Cyberman-infested Earth of 500,002 in "The Girl Who Never Was A Virgin" (Serial 9L). The Sixth Doctor has only just got rid of Evelyn and has yet to meet Mel in "The Afronauts" (Serial 7C/S)

Untelevised Misadventures -
At one point between flogging C'Rizz, the Eighth Doctor became very drunk and swore that if Charley was ever stranded in the far-future Cyberman-infested Earth of 500,002 he’d have to be completely dead no returns forever not to rescue her. He then swore that the pineapple in the corner was mocking him, tried to punch it and knocked himself out.

Dialogue Disasters –

Charley: Doctor?!
6th Doctor: Were you expecting someone else?
Charley: Yes, I was actually!
6th Doctor: Oh well. Fair enough.

Gene Hunt: Now that you’re back, Tyler, I intend to drink the equivalent of the North Sea in whisky tonight.
Sam Tyler: I weep with happiness.
Gene Hunt: Oh, start behaving like a detective and show some balls... not THAT ballsy, you tart!

Doctor: Oh. This all looks deeply suspicious, doesn’t it?
Gene Hunt: You have this terrible condition called naivete, don’t you?
Doctor: Naïve? Naïve! NAÏVE!?!
Gene Hunt: Got your vicars in a twist? You great, soft, sissy, girly, nancy, French-bender Man-United-supporting poof!
(Long Pause)
Doctor: ...NAÏVE!??!?!?!?!

Charley: Sam Tyler... call me! Call me on the line, call me, call me any anytime! You can call me any day or night! Call me when you’re ready - we can share the wine! Call me! Any time, any place, any when, any where! Call me! Call me for some overtime! Call me...

Gene Hunt: I wanna hump Britt Ekland. And I think I found her.
Charley: Wanna play in my Wicker Man, Genie?
Gene Hunt: I’ve just reached my sexual peak, luv. Legendary prowess as a lover - comprehendez muchacho? Bring it on!

The bizarrely final scene –
Charley: Now, I understand that downloading things from the internet is a tempting option, but actually it’s incredibly damaging to the company and to the product as a whole, because BF is not some sort of huge conglomerate who can absorb the damage to revenue. No matter what anyone might tell you after one pint too many at a convention.
6th Doctor: Yes. I suppose, in our time, we have all of us, those of us who like music and have access to the internet and use it frequently, been tempted to and even succumbed to that temptation to download and share files with other people, and while you’re just thinking "Oh, I love that song and I want to share it with other people" and you do it and you download it and think "Well, that’s not harming anybody!" But of course it IS, isn’t it?
Charley: If you don’t buy the product, then there will be no future product to buy and I think they’re just such brilliant stories. Well, they’re well-told stories. Well, the casts are so extraordinary. Well, *I* am extraordinary. And when it comes to me you’re paying for what you get and I’m a brilliant product!
6th Doctor: If you never, ever pay the artist for the stuff that you’re enjoying you are putting the cost up for other people and you are... and it’s stealing! You know, it IS stealing. It seems like a crime without a victim, rather like Touchwood on BBC3, but Big Finish can only afford to continue doing these if enough people spend their money buying the finished product and by downloading you are, potentially, stopping the product from continuing.
Charley: I mean, I’m a great one for paying my taxes and believe that in a society, if you pay for what you consume then it will be there in the future and if you steal it, which is essentially what downloading is it is then... that takes it away from everyone, really.
6th Doctor: Which means you’re robbing yourself because you’ll stop them making anything more for you to download, in the longrun.
Charley: Assuming you don’t WANT that to happen.
6th Doctor: Yes. Well, I suppose is you DO want Big Finish to go out of business, it would make sense to rob the producers and download without paying for it.
Charley: Quite a clever scheme, isn’t it?
6th Doctor: Yes, I detect old Gay Russell’s hand in it. There have been a hundred BF stories now, and a couple more, I want them to go on to be 200, not just because of earning a living or because I enjoy recording stories for BF, but because I know that every time I finish a story as the Doctor, another little bit of Nicholas Briggs dies. So we have to keep doing it to stop the toothbrush-wielding maniac.
Charley: And if that doesn’t appeal to you, you’re sick.
Gene Hunt: ...yes, thank you, Dorothy, I think we worked that out!

Dialogue Triumphs -

Gene Hunt on 'Anthony' -
"As fake as a tranny’s fanny!"

6th Doctor: And you are?
Charley: Charlotte... Charlotte Church.
6th Doctor: Delighted to meet you, Miss Church.
Charley: My boy toys call me "Charley".
6th Doctor: Well, if I ever recant my homosexuality and find you even remotely attractive enough to surrender my dignity to some benighted jezebel, I’ll be sure to bear you in mind.
Charley: Oh you have NO idea...

Gene Hunt: Give me an excuse to kick the crap out of ya.
6th Doctor: I’m unarmed!
Gene Hunt: That’ll do.

Sam Tyler: Who yer gonna call?

6th Doctor: Earth, Manchester, 1980s...
Charley: We seem to be in some kind of residential building.
6th Doctor: Oh dear. We should move. We’re probably disturbing someone. It’s late in the evening too, they’ll probably be settling down to watch The A Team...

Viewer Quotes -

"FOR FUCK'S SAKE FISH FACE!!!!!!!!!! Christopher Eccleston did NOT quit because they refused to cast Adam Rickitt! What? Oh, sorry. Ah yes. The Contempt of Charley has it all. Charley in sordid sex games, the Doctor being battered by the object of his affection and a plot that isn't paper thin. My only complaint is that Gene Hunt didn't join the twisted twosome in the TARDIS at the end of the story - he would have livened up their future stories no end... Here’s to 6thDoc/Gene/Charley slash!"
– Cameron J Mason (2008)

"Did we really need images of a naked Sixth Doctor gallivanting around a Manchester police station? Still, we had a naked Charley to compensate..." – Nigel Verkoff (2009)

"I’m a big fan of Eddie’s writing. His scripts keep me awake at night and make me laugh out loud – often at the same time. It’s the spelling mistakes, you see? But what I particularly love about his work is his ability to combine fascinating, exciting, terrifying, really neat ideas and infusing the script with a genuine sense of... cracking birds with enormous jugs. Cracking birds with enormous jugs are really important to Eddie’s view of the universe, which seems to coincide somewhat with mine. That reminds me, I really must get my eyes checked out!"
– Sir Richard Richard Esquire (2008)

"I am SO canceling my subscription! It is so frustrating that we FINALLY get closure for Charley and they bring her back again! Her character ran out of steam as far back as Schizo and has been dying a slow, lingering death ever since! I am sure that India Fisher is great in the sack but please, her character is just pathetic. The gimmick of pairing her with the best ever possible Doctor is not clever, just irritating!!!! If you want the Sixth Doctor teamed with a completely pointless bimbo dealing with crude social stereotypes, then you can’t go past my own brilliant work The Bellows Fetch Incident! And if you DO go past it, then you sir are a retard!" – Ron Mallet (2009)

"Those closing credits were actually the sexiest thing I've ever seen on Youtube... or Redtube... or Youporn... Man... that song's addictive. As for Charley’s karioke... Is there something wrong with her? Mmmm... Space Bimboes... This song has weird effects on people..."
– Miles Reid (2008)

"Wow. Wow... what the hell? I have just ODed on insanity for the year. Didn't HP Lovecraft write about this shit?"
– Jared "No Nickname" Hansen (2008)

India Fisher Speaks!
"I was very upset when I thought the end of my Doctor Who journey was imminent – yes, I’d be free of Nicholas Briggs, but also losing my army of geek slaves, personal parking space and would no longer have dear Alan Barnes to beat for my own sadistic pleasure. Luckily, Eddie was on hand with Nigel Verkoff to give me my own spin off series. Like Joey from Friends, only even halfway entertaining. This is an opportunity to breathe new life into the character of Charley, as there’s a completely different dynamic. Colin Baker’s Doctor isn’t interested in her salty goodness at all... or is he? Colin Baker’s a lovely man, and I’d always enjoyed his sexual performance. He made The Pirates of Penzance bearable! Well, that and Johnny Dep as the Pirate King. But it was mostly Colin. He was great in Zig-Zag-Gay-Ass, wasn’t he?"

Colin Baker Speaks!
"I’ve always wanted to work with a subcontinent so I was delighted to discover I would get India as a companion. Turned out to be India Fisher, who I have been seduced by on many, many occasions – usually Doctor Who events but sometimes just down random dark alleys. A witty and amusing and charming young lady, a real departure from my usual companions – American botany students, penguin-shaped aliens, senile history tutors and Bonnie Langford, all of whom annoy the crap out of me. In the stories, I mean. Though sometimes in real life. This series seems to be sufficiently titillating to keep me interested. And she pays me a lot of money to say that..."

Eddie Hitler Speaks!
"This won’t be the first story I’ve written for Colin Baker’s Doctor, but I suspect with a certainty that borders on supernatural foresight that it might be the last. The Sixth Doctor is just so fucking melodramatic all the time, and if you have him talk even remotely like a normal person they slap your hands for not getting the character right! I have the Doctor look at a newspaper and say, "Hey, Charley, check this out!" and Baker would refuse to read it out, so you’d have to change it so he drops the newspaper, covers his eyes with his hands and sobs, "Oh, Charlotte, are these words be-write here quoteth true?". So half the script becomes Charley asking what the fuck he’s talking about to keep a scintilla of realism! Trouble is there aren’t many Doctors to choose to work with. Psychotic Paul 'Break Your Legs Then Make You Eat Them' McGann, Colin Baker, the one from All Creatures Great And Small and... actually, IS there another one? If there is, he never turns up when I’m around. Probably scared of me, the fairy."

Rumors & Facts -

It is hard to believe that in all her adventures with the Eighth Doctor, Charley never got to visit 1979 Manchester and be turned into a sex slave in a condemned tower block – and writer Eddie Hitler more than makes up for this oversight here.

Big Finish neither went to any great lengths to keep the news of Charley Pollard’s spin off series tightly under wraps, nor did they make any bold announcements proclaiming the return of their first in-house companion. It’s almost like they simply could be arsed to give it any more or less publicity than the rest of their output.

Indeed, Charley’s Odyssey has been released in the wake of Big Finish’s biggest shake-up since Gary Russell left the fold in the late 2006 and, as a result, this milestone four-parter entitled Contempt of Charley has been predominantly overshadowed by the arrival of Big Finish’s long-awaited download service and it’s "fan-TAS-tic" new website which is actually worse than the old one but with a lot more flash movies and a really pretentious font face.

However, their long-awaited download service proved to be completely useless as no subscribers were actually allowed to download the material, forcing them to have to wait for the CDs to be delivered. Indeed, the only people who actually managed to download Contempt of Charley turned to be internet pirates like my good self. Erm, er, no. No, I mean, a friend of mine. Well, my friend’s friend’s dead Pekinese. Who downloaded this story quite illegally.

Amusingly, this far-from-unimpeachable version of the story lacked the climactic finale scene where the Doctor and Charley drop completely out of character in order to rant about illegal downloading of Big Finish material – which means, of course, that the only people who heard such stern messages were the one that bought it retail and THEY were all so pissed off at being associated with thieves they stopped buying and instead got their friend’s friend’s dead Pekinese to illegally download stories for free to teach Big Finish a lesson.

Now THAT is what I call "justice"!

Nevertheless, whilst Charley’s Odyssey’s arrival may have only been heralded by a soft orgasmic moan, its impact is felt with a bang of sexual ecstasy, just like the main character should be. There is something fundamentally appealing to fans about having a series devoted to a highly-supple blonde nymphomaniac – just look at the popularity of the new series episode "The Nun In The Lift-Shaft" or any of the classic series’ Jo Grant stories.

What really makes Contempt of Charley stand out though, of course, is the fact it’s a crossover with Life of Mars guest starring the Sixth Doctor. This allows writer Eddie Hitler to have tremendous amounts of malibu while writing the characters to get the suitably brain-damaged atmosphere of the show. It’s intriguing to hear a story where the companion is the one with the uncontrollable and the Doctor is the one insisting on celibacy; it certainly puts a whole new spin on the Doctor/companion relationship. Better still, this unorthodox pairing truly breathes new life into both characters and I cannot wait to see where Big Finish go with this unresolved sexual tension.

However, save for some white hot scenes which bookend the story and the odd exception in between, the Doctor and Charley spend this story APART, with Charley suffering kinky humiliation whilst the appropriately blue-coated Doctor is paired up with the Gene Genie himself – providing even MORE sexual chemistry!

Finally, for the special theme music for her spin off, India Fisher recorded the lyrics herself... after a heavy night of binge drinking in which she struggled to keep conscious throughout...

"Lost My Virginity To The Ka Faraq Gatri!" by Charlotte Church

Hey, Doctor Who, be my lover...
You’re the best thing that... I have discover?
C'Rizz has left me... went and died...
And even Cybermen left me hung out to dry.

Do you... feel my... devotion?
Or are you devoid of... emotion?
...huh?... they’re not for me...
What my body needs is you in me!

I lost my hearts to a Time Lord Doctor...
No one else can ever compare...
Doesn’t matter which regeneration,
I’m not yours to... share!

So, Six, what’s our dest... ination?
Is it me or are you... deviated?
The TARDIS is so 80s... a BBC Micro?
I’m still gonna seduce you before I go psycho!

Well you know... er, that I found out at last that so
TAKE ME!! And please make it fast!
Touch me... feel me... do what you will,
I still want to feel that Gallifreyan thrill!

I left my hearts to a Time Lord Doctor
Time And Relative Dimension... DIMENSIONS in Space...
Doesn’t matter which regeneration,
I’m way more popular than, what’s her face... Ace!

I lost my hearts to a Time Lord Doctor
I’m the best... that he’s ever had...
Doesn’t matter which degeneration,
He can... punish me when... I’m bad!

I leant my hearts to a Time Lord Doctor...
Even though he’s prob’ly dead
Who cares which... regeneration?
Together forever is what we said!

I lost my... my knickers to a Time Lord Doctor
Together we... shagged in time and space
Long as ain’t Eccleston!
I’ll happily sit on his face...

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