Serial CP3 – Charley & Das Kapital of the Dustbins
An Alternative Program Guide by Ewen Campion-Clarke
Another Entry in the EC Unauthorized Guide O' Bro’ Hood
The TARDIS arrives in a swelteringly hot jungle, which gets Charley all hot and sweaty so her perspiration turns her silk negligee completely transparent. The "invisible" clothing strikes a chord in the Doctor’s memory, and he realizes that they have arrived in world full of invisible beings, who mark their presence by dressing up in purple Eddie Izzard fur cloaks.
"We are on Spiridon! A peanut in the ninth system of a far-off galaxy with an icy core, which is tropical by day and sub-zero by night and carpeted with strange and deadly flora! Quite like that strange fungus-ejaculating spore plant right behind you, Charlotte..."
No sooner does Charley end up with an embarrassing amount of fungal spunk on her delectable body, a group of heavily armed Dulls arrive and give a long and rather tedious speech about themselves only visiting this peanut-world to fight their blood feud with the enemies, whom they share their home planet of Fargo.
"Oh, the Dustbins again, is it?" asks Charley, trying to scrape the fungus from herself.
"How the hell do you know that?!" demands the Doctor, but Charley changes the subject and points out that she has got this lethal fungus starting to consume her nubile flesh.
The Dulls refuse to waste any of their medical supplies on non-combatants, although he does offer to amputate her leg. It may not be in any way helpful, but it’s the thought that counts. The Dulls go on to moan about how they’re stuck in this godforsaken jungle and their supply of emergency flares is soaked – not only can they not attract the attention of space orbiters flying ahead, their trousers are ruined! Worse, the troops are completely lost in any case and soon the Dulls are having a massive argument as the Doctor and Charley laugh at how pathetic they are.
As Charley notices that the fungus is actually NOT infecting her body, the Doctor decides to cut to the chase and reveal to the Dulls he is their mythical savior, Doctor of TARDIS, who travels in a blue box. Unfortunately, said blue box has vanished, making the duo look like a bunch of filthy, dirty lying liars.
The Dulls start to suspect that the Doctor and Charley might be Blade-Runner style replicants, designed by the Dustbins to infiltrate and kill, yet the sight of Charley’s breasts seems to remind them of something – but, perhaps for the best, they can’t work out what.
At this point, the Doctor and Charley decide to take their chances and run off into the jungle. Charley is immediately attacked by a man-eating plant, while the Doctor finds the ridiculous and rather suspicious presence of a Subway Sandwich vendor in the middle of the jungle, and wonders if the moss will improve the salad wraps. Charley, meanwhile, is rescued by another Dull in a gasmask, who is in turn attacked by the other Dulls, all of them convinced that this nice Dull is a replicant as well and they blow her head off before shooting each other, convinced they’re all replicants.
The Doctor arrives and explains that the Subway Sandwich vendor proves they are not actually on Spiridon and this all an illusion caused by some kind of gas – hence the Dull in a gasmask who seems to know what’s going on. The Doctor and Charley announce they deny this reality and in a puff of light they suddenly find themselves in an abandoned aircraft hanger surrounded by Dustbins who are under the delusion they are actually the Dulls we’ve been putting up with all episode.
To make things even MORE confusing, at this point the GENUINE Dulls stride into the hangar, wearing gasmasks and take the Doctor and Charley prisoner. They are brought before their leader, Comrade Director Baldrick who is distinctive from the other Dulls by virtue of being a purple half-plant mutant in a jar.
"Of course, I should have realized!" booms the Doctor. "Kryptonite weeds! You’re harvesting plants from an obscure unnamed world four galaxies away, whose pollen lulls their victims into a dream state, during which they live out a fantasy existence while slowly being turned into compost! Somehow you’ve been giving those Dustbins the LSD fantasies that they’re actually Dulls, haven’t you?"
After a pause, Baldrick admits that this is kind of what’s happening.
It turns out the Dulls have captured an experimental Dustbin facility, where the Dustbins were trying to use the Kryptonite Weeds to telepathically enslave other species. Exactly WHY they captured a Dull patrol and fed them to a Kryptonite Weed to create a shared hallucination, no one’s really sure, but Baldrick was able to pump all the LSD-pollen into the Dustbin rec room facility, driving them all crazy but unfortunately got turned into a half-plant himself. Luckily, he still has a Dustbin replicant photocopier to churn out replicants of the original platoon to do all the tedious day-to-day work.
"Right," says Charley, only just following what’s going on. "So you want to turn these Dustbins into a fifth column to sabotage the Dustbin war machine from the inside?"
"What a brilliant idea!" marvels Baldrick. "If only I had some way to test the conditioning, like say the time machine of their ancient enemy to see if they revert to their heartless Dustbin state..."
In the delusional Spiridonian jungle, the Dustbin-Dull "Dulleks" carry out another mission while they bitch about each other. But when they stumble across the TARDIS, the Dulleks start to freak out and the illusion begins to crumble at the seams...
The Dulls pump more pollen at the Dulleks and they finally calm down.
Satisfied, Baldrick announces that the Dulleks need a leader, a tactician with experience of fighting the Dustbins, and he intends that the Doctor will travel with them into the heart of the Dustbin empire to destroy it from within!
"Sorry, I don’t DO requests," the Doctor says simply and tries to leave, but those goddamn replicants grab him and threaten to inject Kryptonite toxin directly into the Time Lord’s brain so he can join the hallucination. "It NEEDS to be done, comrade!"
Baldrick reveals that Dull High Command have discovered the truth of Das Kapital. "The truth transcends the bounds of space and time! The Dustbins stand on the right, for exploitation and conquest, so the only way to defeat them is to stand with the heroes of the left!"
"You have GOT to be fucking kidding me," Charley boggles.
Suddenly, all the Dustbins in the fictional jungle suddenly start screaming "CHARLEY DOES CARDIFF! CHARLEY DOES CARDIFF!" It seems the Dustbins have exceptionally strong memories of their encounter with Carley in their 2157 vacation of Earth.
The Doctor is horrified: somehow this ape-descended blonde girl with big tits has a greater hold on the race memory of the Dustbin species that HE does! He turns to his companion and demands an explanation, but for reasons of ongoing story arcs, she never gets a chance to do so as the extractor fans switch off and the room floods with Kryptonite pollen! A lucky break for the series there, huh?
However, one of the replicants turns out to be a genuine Dustbin replicant but her photocopy-of-a-photocopy status meant she’d forgotten to betray everyone until the plot demanded it. SHE was the one who switched off the fans and now shoots the other replicants as part of a hideously complicated identity crisis.
The Dull orders the Doctor and Charley into the hangar with the now completely-confused Dulleks and tells them that the curly-haired loon in the strange clothes is the Doctor, their mortal enemy. The Doctor lets out a terrified scream and falls to his knees, begging the "Dulls" for mercy. "I’ve been a friend to your people in the past! And you don’t believe I exist anyway, do you?"
The Dulleks begin to laugh in their sinister mechanical voices and the Doctor rather awkwardly gets to his feet and insists to Charley he was doing his infamous party piece, an impersonation of Frobisher the Penguin.
The Dull continues to try and break the conditioning of the Dulleks, but ends up causing them to start shooting at each other again, paranoid they’re all Dustbin replicants in disguise. In the confusion, the Doctor and Charley flee to the TARDIS only to stop short as the hangar opens and a Dustbin saucer lands.
"Of course! The Dulls didn’t capture a Dustbin experiment, the Dustbins pretended to let them capture it, because the DULLS were the ones being experimented all along!" the Doctor shouts, as if this makes some kind of sense to him. If so, he’s alone in that thought.
The landing vessel blows away all the gas and the Dulleks realize they’re NOT in a jungle and that they are, in fact, armored cleaning machines and NOT Dulls at all! This last bit of information comes as a relief to the entire platoon, just as the hatchway opens to reveal the Blue Dustbin Leo himself!
"HAH! OUR PLAN TO CREATE DUSTBINS WHO THINK LIKE COMMUNIST DULLS HAS WORKED, MORE OR LESS! RIGHT, DOWN TO BUSINESS!" grates the leader and has the Dull spy exterminated for the hell of it. "TAKE THE DOCTOR PRISONER! WHERE IS THE DUSTBIN SUZPREME’S AGENT?" asks the Blue Dustbin, not realizing he’s just kill her.
"That’ll be me then," improvises Charley brilliantly. "I’m a replicant from the year 500, 002 and I tricked the Doctor into letting me accompany him and act as a spy, getting insight into his mind so the Dustbin Suzpreme can work out all the weaknesses in the Dustbins the Doctor’s exploited over the years. As you do."
"I knew you were an alien spy, you blonde whore!" roars the Doctor as he is taken hostage. "I’ll get you for this! I’m going to rip your arms off and choke you death on the wet ends!"
"WAIT A MINUTE," interrupts the Blue Dustbin. "HAVEN’T WE MET BEFORE? ON EARTH? CARDIFF? THE RE-GENESIS OF THE DUSTBIN RACE?"
"Oh, no, that’s my identical twin sister. Well, triplet sister. We’ve got a surprisingly strong gene pool, don’t you know."
Not completely convinced the Dustbins throw Charley into a cell with the Doctor. The Time Lord shouts that either Charley really IS a backstabbing, lying little double agent or else she’s a companion from his future hitching a lift with him and breaking the First Law of Time.
Charley considers things for a moment and then decides she can’t be assed lying any more and tells him her entire wikipedia entry, from her sex holiday on the SS Titanic, being mother of Richard E Grant, sleeping with the entire population of a divergent universe, and finally hooking up with the Sixth Doctor.
The Doctor listens to this, and then his head explodes.
"Goodness! He was a Dustbin replicant all the time!" she gasps, realizing that the Blue Dustbin has completely screwed her over and blown her rather convincing cover.
Meanwhile, the Dustbins take over the base and upon realizing that he was actually working for the Dustbins all along does rather strange things to Baldrick’s mind. But that’s nothing compared to the Dulleks who go absolutely apeshit and open fire on everything.
The Blue Dustbin orders his troops to exterminate the Dulleks but THEY start shouting communist propaganda as well – Baldrick’s pumping Kryptonite pollen into the room again and suddenly the Blue Dustbin is considered decadent and imperialistic.
"FUCK THIS!" shouts the Blue Dustbin. "EMERGENCY TEMPORAL SHIFT!"
The leader of the Dustbins vanishes in a cheesy CGI flash, and the two groups of Dustbins unite as brothers, rising up against their rulers and get the Star of Lenin tattooed onto their brain casings! They will not be Dustbins OR Dulls OR Dulleks, they will be the Children of the Revolution!
Slipping on a gas mask, Charley runs around trying to find the Doctor – who is now off his face and convinced he’s visiting Spiridon with his companion Splinx the animatronic cat. Upon spotting her, the Doctor becomes convinced she’s a Dustbin replicant traitor and tries to strangle her, but in his delusion ends up groping her instead. Horrified at such heterosexual behavior, the Doctor snaps out of it.
As the Dulleks sing the anthem of the Bolshevik Party and then the Internationale, the Doctor and Charley decide they simply don’t give a flying fuck if the Dustbins revert to type or if they spread comradeship and brotherhood throughout the universe. In fact, he never wants to think about this adventure again and frankly doesn’t CARE how Charley got so popular with the Dustbins.
As the TARDIS takes off, the Dulleks turn on Baldrick for his corrupting them and holding them to a false doctrine, realizing they much prefer being Nazis than Communists. None of them know that the Blue Dustbin emergency temporal shifted to the base’s anti-matter reactors and set them to self-destruct before returning to New Fargo.
Of course when the whole planetoid is crushed to a singularity, Baldrick and the Dulleks start to suspect what has happened, but they’re too busy evaporating to do a damn thing about it.
Oh, sweet lenity be thy conduct now!
Book(s)/Other Related –
Charley Discovers Acid in Socialist Wonderland
Doctor Who in da Hood of da Dustbins! (Canada Only)
DAAS Dustbin: the Doug Anthony Allstars Versus Alien Menaces
Fluffs – India Fisher seemed all blonde and Nordic in this story.
"His memory anagrams are all tingled!"
"It has been put about by rumor-mongering newspaper hyenas that my communist brotherhood will fail. THIS IS A LIE! Socialism will see the way through! These are dark days as the storm clouds gather around us, but I, your leader, shall carry you through TO A BETTER WORLD! And now... a walk in the petrified forest!"
"THAT IS EASY FOR **YOU** TO SAY!!"
"It’s a Jekyll!" "As in Gertrude?" "As in 'Hyde'." "Sorry, thought it was a gardening reference there."
...have you actually LISTENED to the damn thing?!?
"Subjugate the subjects with submersible subjugational sub-particles!"
Links and References -
This manages to sequel Terri’s Firmer, Mind the Eye, The Girl Who Never Was A Virgin, A Swarm of Angles, Contempt of Charley, A School for Glory, Hellbound to Fargo, The Seeds of Bloom, Arse Morality, The Actual Mystery of Beer, Peanut of the Dustbins all at the same time. The remaining few seconds of originality are easily overlooked however, but they DO bear a disturbing similarity to Dustbin Umpire: The Hopeless if you look carefully.
Untelevised Misadventures -
The Doctor borrowed Inuit garb from the explorers Robert Peary and Matthew Henson and left them to freeze to death.
Dialogue Disasters –
Charley: If you talk to the trees, they’ll put you away.
Doctor: I am not talking to the trees.
Doctor: I’m talking to the invisible people.
Charley: Riiiiiight. Backing away slowly now.
Charley: Help! I’m being eaten! AND NOT IN A GOOD WAY!
Dullek: WE ARE THE DULLEKS OF DAS KAPITAL! WE BELIEVE IN UNITY, SOLIDARITY, AND COMMON OWNERSHIP OF THE MEANS OF PRODUCTION!
Dull: Prisoners will not confer!
Charley: What is this? University Challenge?
Dialogue Triumphs -
Dull: Communist replicants – there’s one born every minute!
Doctor: You’re hoping to clap me in harness and mush me across the frozen tundra! Good gracious, woman, why can’t you accept that I’m gay and give me back my trousers?!?
Baldrick: I am no reactionary! I have a cunning plan...
Charley: Oh, dream on!
Doctor: Of course, both the Dustbins and the Dulls are descended from the same species. Maybe it wouldn’t be a bad thing for the Dulls to regain some of the Dustbins’ ingenuity and instinct for survival and for the Dustbins to regain some of the Dulls’ comradeship. It stop the Dulls being so arse-knifingly boring all the time.
Charley: Sounds reasonable.
Doctor: Reasonable? Reasonable? REASONABLE?! It’s a useless dream! I can’t allow a new generation of Dustbins to gestate in secret on the fringes of a populated galaxy like Antares! They might have the best intentions, but I’ve fought the Dustbins long enough to know that they can’t change! I don’t even know why I’m bothering to entertain the thought! That’s it, I’m off!
Charley: I remember when you needed TWO people for a conversation...
Doctor: You never change, do you?
Blue Dustbin: WHY SHOULD WE CHANGE?!
Doctor: Everything in the universe changes! People learn, develop, experiment with fashion and/or sexuality – even ME! – but not you! You’ve stagnated yourself in evil and cleaning products. If it wasn’t so terrifying, it’d be pathetic!
Blue Dustbin: WHY DON’T YOU CHANGE THE BLOODY RECORD, DOCTOR? I’VE HEARD ALL THIS ERRANT GARBAGE BEFORE. AND WHILE YOU’RE AT IT, CHANGE THAT OUTFIT BEFORE IT GIVES US ALL MIGRAINES!
Charley: Still, what do you expect of a Bolshie? I know their sort! "Comrade this", "brother that", "up the workers", "up the revolution" and those of you who quite fit the plan, line up against the wall. I slept with a Captain Sholtzy, he told me all about it! COMMUNISM IS BAD, OKAY?! End of story!
Charley: We met on a role-playing orgy on the Titanic. You shagged me before it crashed. Thing is, you really shouldn’t have. Was all to do with your swinging bachelor lifestyle, the web of time and the anoraks of fandom thinking you’re asexual. It’s rather complicated...
Doctor: And this isn’t?!
Charley: Maybe that was it? Maybe all this now is the fans’ revenge on me? On both of us? I don’t know. The thing is, it really happened. Quite a lot. Sometimes in outfits. We went to wonderful places, we met the most amazing people, we seduced the most amazing people in wonderful places...
Doctor: Yes. I can imagine.
Charley: I never wanted it to end. But then, one day, it did. I lost you in the year 500, 002 – I thought you’d died. I SAW you die, come to think of it.
Doctor: Go on.
Charley: So when the TARDIS came back to me, I thought "Thank god! Thank god you’re safe! Thank god you still fancy me!" But it wasn’t you. It was...
Charley: So that was that. Your sex life broken because of me. Again.
Doctor: Why didn’t you SAY something?!
Charley: I told you! I saw you die!
Doctor: The Time Lords could have addressed the problem! That’s what they’re for!
Charley: Time Lords? When they’re in the middle of a war with the Dustbins? You just don’t get it, do you? I saw you die! I was grieving! Or at least feeling INCREDIBLY sexually frustrated...
Charley: Oh, you stupid, stupid man! When someone dies, someone you love, and you can’t have any sex with them, you want them back! More than anything, you want them back! To tell you would have been to let you go and spoil the relationship before the narrative was ready. It’s still not. Thank God you’re a replicant and I can practice revealing all to you before I do the real thing.
Doctor: How did you guess?!
Charley: Your legs are on back to front.
Viewer Quotes -
"Once again, Nick Briggs has shown his incredible skill of making me not 100% satisfied with a story he’s produced at the end of the day."
– Callisto Restal (2009)
"I hate Dustbins doing things that make them look ridiculous! I don’t like them singing, dancing or quoting Ali G! They’re aggressive murderous cleaning machines with creatures of bubbling hate bolted inside them - and that’s how they should remain! I REFUSE TO STRETCH MY IMAGINATION FOR ANYONE!" - Ron Mallet (2009)
"People think this is too complicated? No wonder all forms of entertainment during this decade appear to believe I am a moron and
require everything spelling out at all times. Quite why people rave
about stuff like Spooks and The Wire is beyond me! Do they mistake them for high-quality entertainment simply because there’s nothing better on? All I can see is jingoistic posturing of marginally greater sophistication than Hollyoaks, itself created entirely by pasting Daily Mail articles and Dear Dierdre into a script. WHERE’S this subtle gleeful complexity that keeps driving you retards crazy?!"
- a chartered Mad Larry impersonator (2008)
"Awww....been listening to this on the beach in St Lucia. Gorgeous
girls, beautiful sea and the best Dustbin audio in AGES! Citizen Dustbin and the popular Fargo Front! Made me use my brain, too, which the other half said is getting out of practice... Did I mention I’m sick of stories you have to hear multiple times just to figure out
what the heck is going on? Experimental? Bad storytelling more like!"
– Richard Glover (2009)
"My goodness what a twisted tale that was!" – Bryan Brown (2009)
"Anyone else confused by the passion with which the Doctor proclaimed the evil of COMMUNIST Dustbins in particular? Seriously, why would the Doctor hate communism? Okay, I get that it’s an impractical ideal, but the Doctor’s a fanciful idealist! And the mad scientist believes that he can rehabilitate the Dustbins, doing so through a means that nobody else has been able to even try, and the Doctor just bitch-slaps him down and tells him that he can’t. Because he just can’t! Baldrick asks him to share the dream, and the Doctor tells him to piss off basically. Wow. Tearjerker materials, guys. Further disappointed when, those of us in the audience who AREN'T as big a manically cynical bastard as Nick Briggs are also prohibited from sharing the dream with a complete pointless epilogue showing the Dustbins regressing and blowing up the whole planet. Yes. Very satisfying!"
– Jared "No Nickname" Hansen (2009)
"Jo Castleton’s in this? And she’s NOT naked?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"
– Nigel Verkoff (2009)
"Yet ANOTHER bloody sequel to a story I’ve never heard. I’ve spent thousands of bucks with BF since the start, but had to become more choosy about which to get due to lack of funds, AND THIS IS HOW MY LOYALTY IS REPAID?! I am sick of having to buy several things to fully understand/enjoy one of them. But I did enjoy Charley getting punched for being a wise ass. Forgive me, I’m a violent misogynist who enjoys seeing the depiction of violence against women. It’s a perk."
- Archbishop Galean (2008)
India Fisher Speaks!
"My suspicions were first aroused when Alan emailed me asking to explain the entire plot to him because he was confused and not sure if he was a writer or maybe just a Dustbin replicant knowing that he doesn’t know if he’s in this reality or something. I like stories that push you and don’t patronize you, it’s just a crying shame I never got many of them and had to put up with shit like Sail Away instead. But I do like the Dustbins. They’re the ultimate evil. Or am I thinking of Nicholas Briggs? They’re all so utterly interchangeable, really."
Colin Baker Speaks!
"This was perhaps one of the most convoluted plots I’ve ever had to wrap my brains about and it is yet to be revealed whether anyone understands it enough to enjoy it, and that’s just the writers. Apparently it’s labyrinthine and complex, but I haven’t a clue. Are the writers deceiving themselves? Are they deceiving us? Are we going to fall for that or is genuinely any good?"
Eddie Hitler Speaks!
"I’ve always been a fan of the Dustbins, those good old matey-dokey-skip-catflap-outer-space-robot-mutant-cockney-rhyming-bollocks. Bringing them back has been on my To Do List, which I’ve got right here. Yes. "1: Dig a grave. 2: Get a..." Hang on, this is the wrong list! Hah, only joking! It’s good for moral. Here, this is the checklist. In Charley’s Odyssey, we had to bring back the Dustbins, the Viyrans, Gene Hunt, the Protons and make Briggs a canonical Doctor. What? "Make Briggs a canonical Doctor"?! He’s been tampering with my list again! Bastard! BASTARD!! Bloody thing just cheats all the time!"
Rumors & Facts -
Fast approaching their forty-sixth year, the Dustbins show no signs of fading in popularity, menace or hygiene standards, their impact undiluted despite exposure on audio, on TV, in comic strips or youtube vids. But for a truly fulfilling Dustbin adventure, it would require the Dustbins to face the consequences of their actions for once, and ultimately that their greatest nemesis is themselves.
After Nicholas Briggs and his endless series of Dustbin Umpire using the Dustbins as an implacable foe exposing our own foibles, a reflection of our aggressive nature, it was time for a story deals with their nature by extracting it, and allowing them to rediscover it and re-adopt their credo of "EXTERMINATE!", which has been little more than a soundbite of late.
And it says so much that the only facet of Doctor Who willing to explore such a concept was the pornography-obsessed Charley Pollard spin off. In order to get even more gullible fans buying it, series script editor Eddie Hitler decided that trotting out the Dustbins would pretty much do it. His idea was for a version of the Michael J Fox film Casualties of War, except with the Vietnam Vets replaced with Charley, and the innocent Vietnamese concubine replaced by a squad of defenseless Dustbin shock troopers.
Hitler had also wanted Alan Barnes, creator of Charley Pollard and in Hitler’s own words "an unrecognized fucking genius making Einstein look like a pole-dancing chav", to pen a story for Charley’s Odyssey. Unfortunately, Barnes – long having lost all reason after months of working with Nicholas Briggs – had grown tired of jaded, light-entertainment porno Charley stories he was always being asked to right and thus set out to write a story with absolutely NO sex sessions of any kind whatsoever.
Barnes became more and more determined to write against type, deciding that instead of the boring, safe story telling he’d have a FIVE episode story without telling anyone so at least one cliffhanger smacked them entirely out of the blue. Barnes became consumed with the desire to rip the rug from under the listeners, and by the time production was over Barnes was wetting himself screaming "Nobody will be able to follow this! NOBODY! Ahahahaha! Nothing can stop the Carthaginians of furious audacity, aha! NOTHING IN THE WORLD CAN ADUMBRATE ME NOW!"
Cast and crew were completely bewildered by the script, since they’d all been told they would be recording "Charley and the Dustbin Kingdoms" – a moving, emotionally charged sequel to The Dustbin Nasty Plan where the deceased Sara Kingdom’s parents adopting Dustbins to replace their lost children.
Of course Barnes was following the tradition of Terry Nation himself by writing the same Dustbin script over and over again with only a slight gimmick to differentiate between them – invisible Dustbins, Dustbins without cleaning utensils, Dustbins with their own time machine. Barnes decided to use THREE gimmicks simultaneously (Dustbins in denial, Dustbins on drugs and Dustbin Communists) in the knowledge it would make his story three times as complicated than any other Dustbin story.
The trouble was it didn’t make it three times more enjoyable.
Furious at this betrayal, Hitler realizes a PROPER Dustbin story was required and started it all over once again...