The Singing Stone Horizon Guide to Touchwood
written without any permission (or consent) by anyone who would sue me
by Ewen Campion Clarke
DISCLAIMER: This is an unauthorized program guide to the stupendously awful Doctor Who cash-in Angel-rip-off. Neither the guide nor the series is to be taken seriously. Or orally. And if rash occurs – and it probably will – consult the Doctor immediately.
"TOUCHWOOD... above the relevant authorities, beyond the professionals, fighting for the future on behalf of the human race without their express permission. The twenty-first century is when it all changes, and you have to be ready or you’ll look like a complete tool. It’ll just be totally shameful."
Episode 2: Nude Girl
Gwen Cooper’s date with her new stalkee Rhys is interrupted when a meteor streaks over Cardiff and lands outside the city, and she immediately runs there to make a nuisance of herself. She’s completely forgotten that she’s got a job with Touchwood who are also there and threatening to use their stockpile of weapons of mass destruction against the 'amateur' UNIT, who lost Jack’s respect many years ago when they refused to let him join because of his sexual deviancy.
Owen taunts Gwen, calling her the "Psycho Teen Girl", which causes her to throw a chisel at him. Tragically, she misses and it hits the meteor instead and even more tragically cracking its surface and a purple gas escapes into the night sky before entering the body of a young woman called Carys by an unconventional route. Now possessed by this non-terrestrial nymphomaniac, Carys strips naked and starts having sex with random men who turn to dust when they climax between her dimpled knees.
The team learns of the club incident and immediately want to get a piece of the action, not remotely interested in whether or not Carys is feeding off sexual energy, they just want some skin. They reach her home just in time to prevent her from a group orgy of local postmen and Owen uses a Tythonian Condom to contain her. They take her back to the holding cells, where they send Gwen in to have wild gay sex with her. Jack has a theory that Carys is emitting high levels of pheromones around her, turning her into a walking aphrodisiac, but this is ignored as everyone ogles the sex and uploads it to youtube. Owen is so aroused by this he needs a special vent for his assholedom and takes up feeding rats high explosives and blowing them up at comically inappropriate times. As such, Owen is the only person in control of themselves long enough to resist Carys’ sexual allure. This means that instead of dying horribly, he is stripped naked and his testicles are handcuffed to the cell as Carys escapes. Another tragic near miss.
Carys refuses to be a sex slave for the voyeuristic Touchwood, and Jack suggests she do rude things with a severed arm he had kept pickled in a container for such an emergency. Gwen suggests they use Carys for the good of mankind and get her to help out collecting samples from clients at a sperm bank, but Gwen has stupidly forgot that Carys keeps killing her male partners for sexual energy. Jack realizes this has gone on too far and climbs inside the Tythonian Condom with Carys and kills the alien entity by fucking Carys’ brains out.
The brain dead and drooling Carys is safely reunited with her father, and the team returning to trying to find a way of killing Owen but making it look like an accident.
1. Who does the severed arm belong to before Jack turned it into an usual and disturbing martial aide?
2. What Doctor Who story featured the well-endowed alien Tythonian monster mentioned in this episode?
Great Moments -
There’s a scene where Ianto and Tosh get dialogue, rather than simply standing around gawking at Carys’ and Gwen’s naked arses bouncing up and down behind the steamy window. So. Good for them.
Fashion Crimes -
Owen wearing nothing but handcuffs. WHY!?!?
Missing Adventures -
Jack uses a device almost identical to the sonic screwdriver (except it has a green light instead of the usual blue one) in the sex scenes with Carys. He claims to have slept the "sex gas orgasm eating monsters" during the Tenth Dustbin Occupation.
"I’m using satellite tracking data to determine the inward trajectory of the meteorite."
"He means he’s trying to find out where it’s come from."
"Hey! Sometimes a little technobabble is good for the soul! God I’m horny..."
Great Lines -
Jack: Do one thing for me; don’t let the job consume you. You have a life, perspective – we need that. Go home, Gwen Cooper. Eat lasagna, kiss your boyfriend and be normal. For me. Do that for me, Gwen Cooper. Have a fan-tas-tic life.
Gwen: ...I think you’ve got the wrong script, John.
Jack: Like ANYONE is paying attention now you’re topless!
Jack: All right, usual formation!
Gwen: What’s the usual formation?
Owen: It varies.
Gwen: How can the usual formation vary?
Owen: You wouldn’t understand, psycho teen girl...
(Gwen tries to kill Owen with a chisel)
Jack: You know, Carys, strictly speaking, sexually ravaging the staff is my job... It’s not my fault that I enjoy it...
Crap Lines -
Jack: Come and go, that’s my motto.
Gwen: I’m not being rude or anything, but… well, maybe I am, but how do you switch off from all this stuff? What do you do to relax?
Owen: I torture rats until they explode.
Gwen: Who are you Jack?
Jack: I’m sorry?
Gwen: You can’t die, you tell me the 21st century is when it all changes, that we have to be prepared.
Jack: So you do.
Gwen: But how can you know?
Jack: You think knowing the answers would make you feel better?
Gwen: Who are you? What are you doing here?
Jack: I’m a time traveler from the 51st Century and have an STD so virulent that not even the Grim Reaper will touch me.
Gwen: ...you’re right, the answers don’t help, do they?
Jack: Told ya.
Owen: I thought she said she was a Sagittarius?
Jack: You people and your quaint little categories.
Jack: Travel half way across the universe for the greatest sex, you want Captain Jack, coz he will RIDE YOU HARD TONIGHT! YEEEHAAAAAAAH!
Carys: I’d rather die. Alone.
Jack: Who said you had a choice?
- Jack wants the dead body to look like a suicide attempt - how do you make a dead body look like a suicide attempt?
- Why was the viewing window of the cell so dirty? You think they’d want it clear so they could see what filth Carys was getting up to.
- Gwen’s Motorola phone gets a Nokia message alert. What the fuck is up with that? How does that make ANY sense?
- What happens to the receptionist at the fertility clinic after Carys snogs her long enough for her to pass out from oxygen starvation? There could be a whole Touchwood novel based on that...
- The Sperm Bank is clearly the production office of Touchwood script writers, with some of Carys’ victims being Noel Clarke and RTD whose protests of "Sorry luv, I’m gay!" are ignored.
- Touchwood sets the face recognition software check to look through MEN when they’re looking for Carys. Do they think she might be a transsexual or something?
- Owen is capable of editing together footage of Gwen and Carys bonking without using his hands. This is deeply nauseating as it implies Owen has constructed his computer to work while he’s wanking.
- When Gwen is eating her oyster cracker, she takes one bite, and then a second out of what looks like a new cracker, but a quick camera angle change shows her with two bites in her cracker. I HATE IT WHEN THAT HAPPENS! GOD DAMN IT!
- Why do Touchwood spike their own water supply with Bromide if it doesn’t calm the randy little fuckers down? Do they just like the taste? Are they THAT pathetic?
"How kind of the producers of this show to get the rubbish out of the way so early. They air the frankly cluttered and awkward pilot and then this pile of OTT, outlandish, downright-sloppy crap on the same night. Were they trying to drive viewers away? It’s a piece of television that leaves a nasty taste in your mouth, like you’ve gone down on somebody and swallowed."
- Jo Ford Prefect (2006)
"Am I supposed to be laughing? Crying? Excited? Aroused?"
- Uncertainty Jane (3030)
"Gwen really is becoming the unifying element the team need so badly. They’ve become disconnected by the work. They don’t have anybody at home, they don’t relate to the victims of the aliens they’re catching, they’re too focused on the job. Gwen is able to help bring the human element back that the team has clearly lost (if they ever had it). And considered what a freak Gwen is, this is quite frankly terrifying."
- Bill Bailey (2006)
"We just want the energy. The climax. We live off that energy. There’s nothing else out there like it. It tastes so good. This series is the best hit there is."
- BBC Wales Press Statement (2006)
The Author Speaks -
"Well, it seems stupid to rip off everything about Angel but miss the plots, doesn’t it? Their second episode was about a sex-driven demon working its way through the population of LA, but my improvements cut out all that stupid gun fights, horror, interpersonal relationships, humor, dialogue... Nude Girl gets rid of all that and just focuses on the sex. Lonely Hearts? Lonely viewers, more like. I AM GOD!!"
1. The Tenth Doctor’s, after it was cut off by the Sycophant Leader in The Michaelmas Evasion and fell five miles to the hard ground below.
2. The Creature from Pittsburgh.
Rumors and Facts -
Since RTD was luxuriating in Bognor Regis, Chris Chin-Balls was in full executive control of both Doctor Who and Touchwood, but thankfully wanted to focus on Touchwood as he had been a lifelong hater of Doctor Who, pretending to be a good fan so he could slag it off all the more. For the second episode showing Gwen’s initial outing as a fully-fledged Touchwood member, Chin-Balls wanted to write the Touchwood version of the prototypical nightmarish first day on the job. However, he decided that the perfect first day on the job would be being ordered at gunpoint to enjoy a ridiculous amount of sex with a Welsh teenage nymphomaniac possessed by sinister alien forces.
Nude Girl formed part of the program’s first production block, paired with the debut episode, Everything Changes, under the direction of Ned Kelly VII after his successful Christian Cowboy film franchise of culminated in "Saving Wales – The Christian Coyboy Does Cardiff!". Kelly decided that the initial phase of the recording would concentrate on Nude Girl, so that the cast interactions in the premiere would be more practiced and also they could enjoy all the sex right away before indulging in all the violence.
It was quickly considered that Touchwood’s format be changed to simply having the Hub become a huge brothel with Jack as the "Pimp of TIME!", with new and different guest characters having dangerous supreme dynamite sex with Gwen Cooper on pain of death. Unfortunately, what’s his name, the guy who played Ianto, fell completely in love with the chick playing Carys and they immediately fled the country. By the time they were brought back, Bromide actually HAD been poured into the water supply and the dull and boring original premise of the show was adhered to. It’s one of the biggest regrets in Kelly’s life, just after "eating that slightly-undercooked salmon back in 1998".
Since the first episode was undoubtedly crap, there is no doubt that Nude Girl was shown back to back with Flotsam & Jetsam to purposefully overshadow it with all the sex-loving alien no matter how stupid all the writing is. The fact there are plenty of sci-fi films with the EXACT same plot except the alien was feeding off the energy of sneezes rather blow jobs, yet they don’t get the same recognition. How Touchwood has cheapened its promise less than an hour after it first screened! Oh, God! We’re all just animals rutting in the dark, aren’t we? Too afraid to turn on the light lest we find out Burn Gorman is involved...