Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Torchwood: To The Last Man

The Singing Stone Horizon Guide to Touchwood
written without any permission (or consent) by anyone who would sue me
by Ewen Campion Clarke

DISCLAIMER: This is an unauthorized program guide to the stupendously awful Doctor Who cash-in Angel-rip-off. Neither the guide nor the series is to be taken seriously. Or orally. And if rash occurs – and it probably will – consult the Doctor immediately.

"TOUCHWOOD... behind the conspiracies, just adjacent to the Cardiff Millennium Centre, fighting for the future of the human race. Or rather, fighting the future of the human race. We’re rather more likely to end all life on Earth than save it, but hell, what can you do? Especially when it all changes in the twentieth century. Twenty-first. God, don’t tell me we fucking missed it? FUCK!! FUCKING FUCK!!! Yes, this IS a repeat from last year. Get used to it."

Episode 3: To The Last Cliché

In a format normally reserved for Christmas specials, the Touchwood Team sit about the hub reminiscing about events with incredibly lengthy amounts of stock footage. It’s a youtube clipshow, to be blunt.
Eventually, it just ends.

Trivia Questions
1. How much new material is in this episode? 2. How much of it contradicts re-established continuity?

Great Moments - The trailer for next week.

Fashion Crimes -
Does it matter? We’ve seen it all before.

Missing Adventures
"Rift War", but believe you me, you didn’t miss anything...

Technobabble - See Fashion Crimes.

Great Lines - See Fashion Crimes.

Crap Lines –
Owen: This gets harder every year.
Ianto: That’s viagra abuse for you.

Tommy: Saving the world in my pajamas – how daft is that? Who do you think I am? Arthur Dent? David Tennant? Be off with you!

Jack: This time tomorrow he’ll be back in 1918
Ianto: In his own time. Would you go back to yours... if you could?
Jack: Why? Would you miss me?
Ianto: Nothing that a kilo of good cocaine and a night or two at a gay brothel wouldn’t cure.

Plot Oversights
- Jack tells us that a million British soldiers died in the Great War, whereas actually the total was closer to 900,000. Can’t he tell the difference? Oh wait, he’s a useless drunken bum, of course he can’t...

Viewers’ Quotes

"Fuck this!"
- Average viewer response (2007)

"I’d almost given up on Touchwood for good until I saw this episode – clearly a crappy clip show was NEEDED to rescue this poor second season, which just gets better with footage of that fascinating moral dilemma for that Asian chick, whatever her name is, from the episode with the lesbians. This is much better than last week’s Terminator rip off or week one’s lame effort. I love wanking over the actor playing Tommy. It would be excellent if he was in some gay porn with Adam Rickitt, ideally against his will, bound and gagged with Pulp-Fiction-style sodomy mouthgags..."
- Sparacus "Flamingo" Jones (2007)

The Author Speaks
"There is no other course open to us but to pad it out. Every installment of this season must be filled to the last cliché: there must be no imgaination. With our backs to the wall and believing in the stupidity of our fanbase each one of us must ensure that no proper material be wasted on this doomed venture called Touchwood. Season One was complete SHITE. The 45-minute timeslot has come to win ratings at all costs, and to die where you stand rather than give way and use scripts better used by Doctor Who or the other spin-offs."

Trivia Answers
1. Very little. 2. How the hell should I know? Jeez... Rumors and Facts -
Having finally broken into mainstream Doctor Who, Helen Raynor considered Touchwood lower than the pond scum she deigned to pick off her shoe. Hence her refusal to use her precious talents on the series, no matter what 'reformations' had been carried off. Curiously, a similar philosophy would strike most writers this series.

Helen Raynor doesn’t do lines. She doesn’t even do moments. Her talents lie in sublimely beautiful plots and story lines. Her talent refused to appear in Touchwood a second time. Discerning girl.

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