Wednesday, July 1, 2009

JS Doctor - Empire of the Daleks (i)

One Hundred And Forty-Third Entry in the YOA Unauthorized Programme Guide Finite Imagination Appendix O' Blue Water High

7D - The Empire of the Dustbins Strikes Back! -

CD Blurb


After becoming caught in a time corridor, the Doctor, Commander Tryhard (you know, the guy? Mark? No?) and Dara find a planet ravaged clean by a Dustbin vacation. But not just any planet, as they find out to their mild surprise - but Earth in the ethnographic UNIT-era present has been scrubbed clean!

If the Dustbins are once again the greatest threat in the cosmos and have regained even a fraction of their full power and are ready to tidy up the universe... then some SERIOUS retconning has been undertaken!

History has been changed... and modern day Earth has been conquered! Oh, did I already mention that? I'm sorry. Anyway, can the Doctor and his companions find out how the Dustbins changed history? Can the damage be undone? Or is Earth doomed to slavery, the latest addition to the ever-growing Empire of the Dustbins? Well, since they don't enslave people, just kill them and tidy away the corpses, I guess they'll all just die. So, basically, the question is, will the Doctor defeat the Dustbins yet AGAIN? I think he will. There's no point listening to this drivel. I've got better things to do...

Plot Summary

Part One

Mark stumbles across the TARDIS library to find Dara miming along to Ace of Base "I Saw The Sign". Disgusted, Mark returns to the console room and tells the Doctor about the horrors he has witnessed. The Doctor vows that they MUST get rid of the irritating bint at the earliest opportunity - specifically, after he has finished reading Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

The TARDIS drifts into the Omni-Zone, a complicated network of timelines which has been swept clean and then twisted into a strange neon sign bigger than a solar system, reading "DUSTBINS RULE!!" The Doctor and Mark think nothing of this and decide to see if the network of corridors leads to some uninhabitable mud ball they can maroon Dara on.

Dara enters the console room and starts making stupid comedic remarks in the belief comparing a complex network of timestreams to the London Underground and bits of Star Wars is incredibly witty and clever. Dara fails to notice the way the Doctor and Mark start to smash their heads against the wall and moan.

Finally the TARDIS emerges from the network to fetch up in a bleak, dusty quarry containing the ruins of a shattered city under a nuclear winter. The Doctor decides to have a walk, and Mark follows - even the sights of decaying corpses, ruined civilization and possible radiation fallout are better than Dara, who is now showing how "clever and hot" she is by talking pointlessly about the periodic time table.

However, they soon encounter a fleet of strange matt black and silver motorized trashcans slowly but surely tidying up the ruins, using miniature vacuum cleaners to hoover up the dust and sink plungers to shift the charcoal-roasted corpses out of the way. The Doctor reveals to the puzzled Mark that these are Dustbins - cyborg cleaning machines from the distant planet Fargo who have an obsessive compulsive disorder to clean the entire universe from top to bottom!

The Doctor goes on to say, very loudly, that the Dustbins are incredibly weak and pathetic and certainly don't merit the title of "nastiest monster in the entire universe" label they've somehow picked up over the years. In fact, he adds, chucking a rock in their general direction should cause the entire task force to spectacularly explode for no real reason.

To his horror however, the Dustbins do not pointlessly explode but spin around using a stick on their casing to incinerate the rock in an incredibly expensive computer-paintbox effect, and not the cheap negative effect normally used to kill people in Doctor Who!

The Doctor realizes that these Dustbins are not the completely pathetic socially-irrelevant ratings-pullers he once effortlessly defeated twice every single incarnation. Thus, he suggests he and Mark run for their miserable lives as the Dustbins sweep over the area.

Tragedy strikes: before the Dustbins can shoot down Dara, they are attacked by a sniper using paintballs. The filth and paint send the obsessive Dustbins into a frenzy trying to clean themselves and the TARDIS crew are able to run in the opposite direction of the TARDIS. Coz, you know, another five episodes.

The Doctor and Mark flip a coin to see who gets to run for their life and who is lumbered with Dara and once again, Mark wins and heads off into the ruins as the Time Lord becomes very, very depressed. He tries to cheer himself up by wondering if the Dustbins have set up a huge trap to ensnare him in... but he knows the Dustbins are too sad and pathetic to be that clever.

Mark heads off into the city where he meets the sniper, a glamorous woman called Selena Kyle, AKA Catwoman!! Together they are then caught by a Dustbin, but throwing a rock that actually HITS the cyborg leaves its squeegee mop impaired and the psychotic alien screaming like a broken Hitler doll before pointlessly exploding in a fireball.

Mark and Catwoman then flee up a flight of steps to escape their pursuers, leaving all the Dustbins completely fucked and unable to do a damn thing. However, the staircase is rotten and burned and cannot take the combined weight of the fugitives, who promptly fall back at the bases of the trashcans they were so recklessly mocking five seconds earlier.

However, the collapsing staircase causes a mini-tidal wave of rotten wood and splinters that cause two of the Dustbins to explode again. In the confusion, Mark and Catwoman hurl insults at their dusty foes and calmly stroll off as the Dustbins struggle to clean up the mess enough for them to follow.

Meanwhile, the Doctor is idly telling Dara to act "extra perky" and jump up and down screaming that she's out in the open and completely defenseless. Dara begins to suspect something's up, but the Doctor grimly admits she's in no danger - the Dustbins can barely hit the side of a barn that isn't moving.

Just then they run into Mark and Catwoman, who then use a firework to blow up the entire Dustbin taskforce, reducing them to tiny indigestible balls of tinfoil. To the dismay of everyone, Dara is not injured at all in the explosion.

They decide to crash out at Catwoman's place, which happens to look exactly like a London Underground station covered in dusty posters for New Kids on the Block and Pepsi Max. Dara scratches her head, amazed at how curiously familiar this location is to her home turf and Catwoman bitch-slaps her from her stupidity and explains that this is Earth, 1996.

The Doctor realizes that the Dustbins have changed EVERYTHING... except the fact that they are completely useless and pathetic foes who could be brought to the edge of extinction with a hair dryer.

"You win some, you lose some," he muses philosophically.

Part Two

Dara starts to freak out. Her parents are dead, her friends are dead, but more importantly her credit cards are useless, her wardrobe is destroyed and she can no longer be popular with no survivors. This rampant egomania leads to Catwoman pulling a gun on Dara and threatening to blow the top of her head off unless she shuts the hell up!

The Doctor and Mark immediately decide Catwoman is definitely a better companion for the TARDIS than Dara, who blubbers even more.

Meanwhile, the Dustbins have located the TARDIS and dust it down. However, they are surprised at the sight of a police box appearing out of nowhere just when their plans are at a crucial phase along with a strangely-dressed weird guy who then wiped the floor with them.

After a few hours, the Dustbins decide to ask the Emperor of the Dustbins if he has any ideas about all this. The Emperor muses that there is some historical evidence of some Time Lord, the Bringer of Darkness, Destroyer of Worlds, the Oncoming Storm of Fatal Death, but the chances of him turning up are astronomical. Mind you, the fact there's an alien space ship disguised as a police telephone box is a bit of a freaky coincidence.

The Dustbins decide to chalk this one down to experience and then get on with cleaning and tidying the planet Earth to make it the new home of the New Unionized Dustbin Empire.

However, the penny drops and the Emperor starts screaming furiously that the Dustbin race are all a bunch of useless bloody lunatics and it would be obvious to an American weapons inspector that the Doctor has somehow arrived in the middle of their nasty plan to conquer the whole universe!

The Dustbins use their mighty space brains and realize that the Doctor will rise a people's army out of the scattered human survivors, and thus the Dustbins can lazily wait for the resistance to come to THEM and then shoot them all. The Dustbins awkwardly admit if they'd properly wiped out humanity in the first place, this whole matter would be a lot easier to handle.

As Mark and Catwoman enjoy roasting marshmallows over a campfire, and Dara sobs miserably that all her favorite boy bands are dead and thus will not be able to roughly seduce her on a cold winter's night, the Doctor whistles tunelessly and reads the tattered remnants of newspapers.

Thanks to the brilliant foresight of British journalism, one of the last editions of the Times not only sums up the entire Dustbin invasion, but also notes their entire strategy and overall aims for controlling the destiny of time itself - proving the Dustbins are incredibly predictable and stupid.

After reading about the meteor strikes that bombarded every major city in the world and wiped out most of the human race, the Doctor shakes his head as he realizes the Dustbins can't even invade a proper planet and have taken to shoving nearby rocks at their target and hoping for the best. The irony of the situation makes him laugh for a moment, and decides the best thing to do is use the TARDIS to travel back in time and stop this cretinous "invasion" from taking place and leaving the Dustbins the complete losers they once were.

Meanwhile, the Dustbins find a human survivor in the ruins of London. Not sure what to do, they show him some slides of Catwoman and Mark and then brutally interrogate him and ask him incredibly obvious questions like "Do you work for UNIT?" when he's dressed in a UNIT uniform and identified himself as "Major General Patel of UNIT/WANK".

Realizing that the whole interrogation is just making them look like even BIGGER fools than before, the Dustbins exterminate the prisoner and use their science to turn him into a flesh-eating zombie.

Back at Covent Garden, Mark shyly discusses his experiences with Klingon fan boys in the twenty-fourth century, and blushes when he discovers Catwoman is actually interested. They both ignore the increasing hysteria from Dara as she realizes no one is vaguely interested in her emotional breakdown. In fact, no one's noticed it at all.

The Doctor decides it is time for them to team up with UNIT once more. After all, if anyone had the knowledge and technology to abandon the human race to certain death and save their own sorry butts, it would be Colonel Chrichton and his team of effeminate red-shirts.

As Catwoman drags the surprised Mark into her narrow sleeping bag, the Doctor idly asks Dara if the soul-shattering destruction of everything she knew and cared about has actually turned her into a human being? Dara whinges that she wishes she had stayed with St Canterbury's School for Girls and thus at least used the last days of mankind to make herself incredibly hot and popular.

The Doctor clips her round the ear and tells her to grow up. Apart from anything else, this whole chain of events is going to cancelled out, and if she complains about his coffee making ONE MORE TIME...

The Dustbins take their zombie for a walk and play fetch for an hour or so, then get bored and blast their newfound pet. They then proudly report to the Emperor that the interrogation told them all sorts of stuff that they already knew so, in their words, yay team!

The Emperor starts swearing very loudly.

Next morning, the Doctor and his rag-bag team of survivors head through the ruins towards UNIT HQ and encounter the Dustbins' cheerleading squad of brain dead zombies as they lumber through the ruins groaning that any survivors of London should surrender the Doctor.

Mark machine-guns the zombies to death and wonders if the Dustbins are so fucking stupid they can't even manage to wire up a public address system and need genetic experiments to communicate with each other. The Doctor considers this deeply depressing, especially as Jazz FM is still broadcasting strongly, and the fact they are forced to fight a bunch of losers who can't work local radio makes this whole story a waste of time.

Just then some more Dustbins arrive and everyone hides behind Dara, who defends herself by critiquing "Goldfinger" and Sean Connery's awful performance in that particular film. Mark throws a sonic grenade which wipes out every single Dustbin in a jump-cut display of fireballs.

Just then some MORE Dustbins arrive and demand the Doctor surrender to the Dustbins or be exterminated.

"You're giving me a CHOICE?!" the Doctor asks, amazed. "Poofs!!"

Part Three

The Dustbins have no idea how to argue with that, when suddenly there is a single gunshot and all three Dustbins are blown apart in the smoke and flames in one big explosion which goes on for roughly .

In the confusion, the Doctor, Mark and Catwoman flee, leaving Dara to face certain death from whatever hell creature capable of destroying a Dustbin taskforce with but a single bullet.

To her horror, Dara discovers their rescuer is Burford Metter the Scumbag, a Liverpudlian pedophile multiple rapist played by Chip Jamison. So sick and twisted is Metter the Scumbag's foul depraved desires, he finds Dara remotely attractive! Dara is then asked if she wants to play "bobbing for testicles" when Colonel Charles Crichton arrives with his shotgun Wynona. Or, as he likes now to be known as: DIRTY CHARLIE!!

As Dara watched Dirty Charlie pistol whips Metter the Scumbag unconscious, then spits on his battered and bruised body and does a bit of flamenco dancing. Nevertheless, Dara isn't impressed as she knows how worthless "Dirty Charlie" really is.

The Doctor returns, and is a bit annoyed that of all of the United Nations Intelligence Taskforce World Alliance National Killing Force, only Crichton and a passing child molester survived to defend the remnants of humanity from the alien hordes. I mean, that's not much use for the story is it? Might as well have all died if not for the fanwank.

While the others flee from the animated corpses and even more easily-destroyed Dustbin patrols, Mark and Catwoman head for the remains of a penthouse suite and enjoy a meal of gazpacho soup, a walkman of slow Jazz, and some guilt-free sex to celebrate Christmas Day in a glorious messy and human fashion.

Unfortunately, their fun is interrupted when the Doctor, Dara, Dirty Charlie and Metter the Scumbag arrive and leer at the copulating couple for a few voyeuristic minutes before Dirty Charlie starts to recite a poem about how wet and lonely he is and how all his hopes are held by the Dustbins in their orbiting mother ship.

The Doctor slaps Dirty Charlie and reminds him that there's no point wallowing in self-pity since he ends to cancel out this timeline and slaughter every single one of them. Thus, he and Mark will recapture the TARDIS and let this false history collapse in on itself and take Dara with it.

The group head down the hill towards the clean and tidy areas, where the Dustbins and their zombie Dustmen have finally got rid of all the radioactive dust and debris dirtying up Hamstead Heath. There they find the Dustbin shuttlecraft-cum-wheelie-cart and send Metter the Scumbag in ahead to draw the fire to allow the others to flee inside the ship.

Metter the Scumbag dives onto the nearest Dustbin and starts to sexually molest the cyborg for Earth and more importantly for himself. This truly disgusting display distracts all the Dustbins, and using Catwoman's skills with swinging from building to building with a whip, enter the space craft.

Inside they discover that apart from a transmat terminal and some curious photos of Jo Grant and a melon, the shuttle is deserted and no sign of the TARDIS. The Doctor activates the transmat, and the group are teleported to the orbiting Dustbin mothership. They narrowly escape the Dustbin on guard duty by shouting "BOO!" very loudly, which gives it a crippling heart attack.

The Doctor then holds his nose and starts shouting in a very silly Dustbin voice that he is the Supreme Dustbin and all Dustbins will bow to his will. To everyone's despair, this mighty alien race COMPLETELY falls for it.

Just then, all those Dustbins on the surface manage to scrape the remains of Metter the Scumbag off the highly traumatized Dustbin rape victim and return to base, where they immediately open fire and obliterate Crichton in an expensive CGI skeleton thingamajig. The remaining foursome are left surrounded on all sides by heavily armed cleaning machines.

"Fuck this," says Mark sensibly and uses the teleport to relocate the four of them into the linen closet where the TARDIS has been shoved to keep out of the way. Back at the teleport bay, the Dustbins accidentally open fire on each other and wipe themselves out in a display of truly alien stupidity.

The Dustbins arrive at the linen closet but Mark manages to kill three of them simply by shouting Klingon abuse at them. Another one explodes simply because it's so tense with all this fighting. Yet, somehow, they still manage to exterminate Catwoman in such a way the lethal radiation blast turns her clothing transparent and allows everyone a good look at her tits before she drops dead.

The somber trio head back into the TARDIS and take off. Dara wails unhappily that all their friends, families and ongoing regular characters have been brutally slaughtered and wonders why Mark is so unconcerned Catwoman is dead?

"We're going to rewrite history so none of this ever happened, you chicken-brained biological disaster," sneers Mark. "Who cares what happens to her? The only tragedy is you're still alive."

"But at least I'm like totally hot," Dara retorts and, without looking up from the console controls, the Doctor swings his fist back and punches her unconscious. He then sets the time machine to travel back to October 1996, a few hours before the Dustbin occupation of Earth. True, this gives them hardly any time at all to prevent worldwide holocausts... but it WILL give some bitching 24-style tension to the next three episodes!

Part Four

The Dustbins watch the police box vanish into time and realize that they've made a complete and utter balls up of this mess. Embarrassed, they make contact with the Emperor Dustbins who listens to their report with a rising hysterical disbelief, but finds it all so mind-crushingly credible.

The Emperor announces that they shall continue violating the laws of time like some hobo redneck spooning with a hillbilly, and thus warn themselves in the past that the Doctor is going to arrive, so they can be ready to defeat him when he turns up. And other confusing paradoxical stuff like that.

The Emperor then orders the remaining Dustbins on Earth to self-destruct. All right, they will probably be rewritten out history in the next few moments, but they have to be the most useless bunch of rubbish bins ever to try and conquer the solar system.

The Dustbins protest that they're not as bad as the Quirks, before accidentally bumping into each other and the orbiting mothership explodes in a cheap superimposed firecracker.

Sighing, the Emperor Dustbin contacts the Dustbins in the past, ones on the edge of the solar system trying to get off work early by flinging asteroids at Earth rather then doing any proper work.

The Emperor screams abuse at the morons for the failures they have yet to be responsible for, and tells them that the Doctor is on his way to their time zone to defeat them. Unfortunately, these earlier versions of the Dustbins have no idea who the Doctor is, so they're frankly nonplussed and the Dustbin Leader is so upset that it is destined to fail it shoots itself through the head before anyone can explain they're trying to divert that history from happening.

The Emperor decides to start again must therefore go back in time to before he first went back in time and explain everything slowly and carefully to the Dustbins about what the hell is going on...

Meanwhile, setting the coordinates for UNIT HQ, the Doctor is slightly pissed off when his time machine arrives on the dark side of the moon!

On the scanner, the Doctor spots the Dustbin shuttlecraft hiding in the asteroid and realizes that the Dustbins have somehow reunited all their warring factions into one huge temporal paradox of an empire throughout all time and space. Luckily, however, the fact the Dustbins are puny and stupid means that despite given the ultimate weapon of being able to rewrite time, they STILL haven't managed to conquer the universe.

The Doctor thus decides to simply tell UNIT about the Dustbins and let them sort out this retarded hiccup of an alien invasion for themselves, so convinced is he that the Dustbins are no threat.

The TARDIS fetches up at UNIT HQ, where General Patel is fending off calls from strange men called Eric Saward and Orange Peel about their ideas of gritty alien mercenaries are invading the Earth and shooting lots of badly-defined passers-by in slow motion. Despite the efforts of UNIT to change their phone numbers, somehow these sad acts keep ringing up.

Colonel Crichton however is busy interviewing Metter the Scumbag for the position of Rear-Sergeant-Major. Dara barges into his office, assuming that she will be the one that Crichton believes because she is so hot and superior. Sick to death of her insane arrogance, Mark and the Doctor flip a coin over who has to stay with Dara. Once again, the Doctor loses and Mark walks out of the building to hook up with Catwoman once more.

Mark hoons outside Serena Kyle's apartment and honks the horn very loudly to attract her attention. When Catwoman herself sticks her head out of the window to tell him to shut up, Mark immediately breaks into a romantic speech:

"We've met before, but not for very long, and it some time ago so you won't remember any of it. I'm not used to letting anyone know me, I'm afraid. I met you, then you weren't there any more. I wasted my chance to really get to know you. For the first time in my life, I felt someone leave... but I guess I've found you again. Life's funny that way, isn't it? But now I have, Serena, I want learn as much about you as I can, as much as you can teach me before we run out of time!"

Catwoman assumes that Mark is some kind of stalker and calls the police.

Mark cunningly threatens to tell the cops when they arrive that she is Catwoman, and quickly blackmails her into keep quiet. Since she would never have let anyone discover her true identity and live, Catwoman goes along with it, and admits she's intrigued by his suggestion that she and him "go blow up the wannabe scourge of the universe in dust and blood and violence!"

As they arrive at UNIT HQ, the Doctor idly tries to tune into Jazz FM but starts picking up low-frequency communications between Dustbins explaining that they're meeting up at a deserted London warehouse to prepare to sweep the city clean of human filth!

The Doctor is incredibly concerned - he's missing a Sleepy John Estes concert!

Part Five

Since the Dustbins have somehow organized themselves to arrive on Earth before he has, the Doctor realizes they better actually get round to defeating them before the Dustbins trigger a nuclear winter with a cosmic asteroid storm.

UNIT, never quick on the uptake, look lost before the Doctor points to the warehouse on a map and explains, "FASTER, PUSSYCAT! KILL! KILL!"

The Dustbins at the warehouse finish cleaning all the rotten crates and smashed up crockery and the odd rat before logging onto napster dot com and hyping some of their greater hits.

The Emperor Dustbin reminds the taskforce that the Doctor and his army of bipeds will be right on their case any minute, but the Dustbins insist that they're on top of things: even if they're not, they can always rewrite history to fix it all out again.

The Doctor and Dara join the UNIT brigade, but unfortunately it is rush hour and to cross London takes hours in twilight traffic. The Doctor grumbles to Dara that at least thermonuclear holocausts cut down transit time by destroying traffic jams and buildings and idly wonders if it might be easier to just let the Dustbins destroy Earth. Restoring the timelines suddenly seems so conservative nowadays.

Meanwhile, Mark and Catwoman indulge in some light burglary in Carnaby Street, and decide to hide the loot at her luxury apartment added to a docklands warehouse. When they arrive they bump into the Doctor and UNIT and awkwardly Mark explains that he felt wracked with guilt and wanted to help out. However, at this exact moment he comes to terms with his feelings and offers to leave right away with Catwoman before the inevitable carnage begins.

They find the warehouse deserted and suspiciously clean and tidy. The Doctor, bored, slams down the warehouse doors, trapping everyone inside the Dustbin base and shouts very loudly, "COME AND HAVE A GO IF YOU THINK YER CLEAN ENOUGH!!"

Immediately a neat stack of cardboard boxes explodes outwards as the Dustbins swarm out to exterminate their enemies. The Doctor then orders UNIT to use its secret weapon - buckets of sand!!

As the UNIT troops empty the buckets all over the floor, the Dustbins realize their nice neat secret base is now grotty and dirty once more. The cyborg cleaning machines convulse in outrage at this defiance, and the Doctor laughs insanely and throws a bucket of sand over the Dustbins.

Finally, the Dustbins regain enough self control and open fire on the humans, the deadly paintbox lasers spraying from their strap-on gun sticks!

The Doctor grins and, speaking directly to the audience explains that the energy bolts from their death rays will fuse the clouds of dusty sand drifting around the warehouse before they can harm any human beings.

The Dustbins open fire through the murky air, and explosions of shards of glass fly around the room, lacerating the unprotected UNIT troops who fall, bleeding and screaming to the ground.

The Doctor looks at Mark and Dara and shrugs. "One out of two ain't bad," he points out defensively as it rains broken glass.

The Dustbins realize the warehouse is even more messy than before and immediately start to tidy the mess allowing the regulars and the surviving UNIT troops to run up the steps and run up them and out of danger. These Dustbins are unable even to head upstairs and are left on the ground floor surrounded by debris and corpses.

Upstairs, Metter the Scumbag tries it on with every one of the survivors, in particular Crichton who apparently reminds the psychopath of his mother's girlfriend with his sexy hips. Finally, the Doctor and the others flee from the rampant sociopath into a hidden Dustbin control chamber and lock the door.

Just then Dustbins materialize all around them as the Emperor travels back in time and convinces the Dustbins to actually get off their fenders and do something constructive and build a lift to the warehouse, allowing them to chase after the humans in some funky Bill & Ted style time shenanigans.

The Doctor realizes they're trapped and thus surrenders. The Dustbins point out that they already know all the secrets of time travel so they have no reason to keep the Doctor alive or accept his surrender.

The Time Lord folds his arms and calls the Dustbins "yellow chickens" and they grimly accept his surrender and promise not to slaughter any more speaking parts in return for his cooperation in projects that don't need him.

Mark starts to weep at the chronic stupidity of it all.

Part Six

The Doctor politely asks that, since this tiny faction of Dustbins is simply a scout party on Earth, could he go and visit the main force where the Emperor is coordinating this increasingly confused choose-your-own-adventure of intergalactic invasions and genocidal rewritings of time itself?

The Dustbins confer in stage whispers that they can't think of ANY reason not to take the Doctor to the very heart of their civilization where any kind of saboteur could do untold damage to their entire species, and thus agree.

The Dustbins and their prisoners are teleported to the Dustbin mothership on the outskirts of the asteroid belt. The Dustbins are shouting at the top of their voice they have managed to capture the Doctor and the odds of him either defeating them or of some other incarnation coming along later and defeating them is now utterly improbable!!

While Dara, Mark, Catwoman, Metter the Scumbag and Crichton are locked in a cell with no toilet facilities, the Doctor is brought before a giant Dustbin perched in the heart of the ship motionless and inactive: the Emperor Dustbin who immediately screams with frustration with the mind-melting stupidity its subjects have shown.

The Emperor is certain that the Doctor is going to betray them and decides to threaten to exterminate his young female companion in the miniskirt as a test. To the Emperor's surprise and Dara's outrage, the Doctor simply tells the supreme leader of the Dustbin race to "waste the brat now!"

Uncertain if this is some kind of double bluff, the Dustbins hold their fire... and then shoot down Metter the Scumbag after he drops his trousers and starts to hump the side of the Emperor Dustbin. Disgusted, all the prisoners are teleported back to their cell and left to go mad and have a mass orgy.

The Emperor looks down at the Doctor and orders him to stabilize their network of time corridors and allow the various factions of Dustbins to completely reunite into a new and unstoppable organization of ruthless cleanliness.

The Doctor starts working at the controls, musing "You know, as monster go you suck! You nancy-boy suck so much, I can't believe you ever became a popular sci-fi icon! At first glance I found you intimidating, but they really have lost all credibility in my eyes..."

The Dustbins protest that the destruction of the Earth will be an investment - all that radioactive fallout and dust to clean up would provide steady employment as well as getting rid of all the bipeds that cause rubbish in the first place, leaving soda cans, candy bar wrappers, empty bags of crisps, and napkins all about the park without a bloody care in the universe what poor bastard has to pick it all up!!

The Doctor laughs in their metal faces; this is all bluster and they KNOW how screwed up they are! "The universe believes the Dustbins are just dodge 'em cars gone insane, but we know dodge 'em cars would be a damn sight better and conquering the universe! You were designed to be household cleaning droids and not metallic assassins of total evil, and you're equally crap at both functions! You metal gits can't even conquer one primitive planet even when you have the ability to rewrite history to remove all you're mistakes! You're the Dustbins of Fargo, PROFESSIONAL NOTHINGS! You've got no home planet, no great battle fleets, no friends, no allies, no hope!"


"Correction: it USED to cover the nine corners of the universe!" the Doctor laughs and reminds the Dustbins they are so ridiculously naïve enough to allow him full access to their time corridor technology and will be loyal to them after all their battles.

Before anyone can stop him, he reverses the polarity of the time network flow. The multitude of possible futures are cancelled out, and with it, the entire Empire of the Dustbins is annihilated fifteen times over. Throughout time and space, the known universe, every last Dustbin has been deleted like porn off a harddrive when the cops come a calling.

The Doctor turns to address the handful of Dustbins that are now the only members of their race ever. "Now it covers this room and nothing else! SAYONARA, YOU TIN-PLATED FREAKS!" he shouts and runs for the exit.

The Dustbins watch him go, fidgeting as they simply have no idea what the hell they should do now as the Emperor of the Dustbins bursts into tears as it realizes how supremely fucked they all are.

The Doctor meanwhile, reaches the teleport room and rescues the others who bitch that not for one second did they believe he had a plan and WASN'T selling them out to save his own skin. Just then, a Dustbin arrives and prepares to exterminate the lot of them...

...only to vanish in a crude editing trick.

The Doctor blinks. "Well, that was random," he says after a pause.

They then enter the teleport bay and send themselves back to UNIT HQ in their sweet time and a moment later, the mothership spectacularly explodes in a huge CGI fireball and the last Dustbins in the entire universe cease to exist.

On Earth, the Doctor looks up at the sky. "Well, there go the Dustbins, gone to the great Terry Nation Estate in the sky... Seriously, they really were the weakest, most pathetic and un-fist-worthy of any alien enemies I have ever seen!"

The Doctor turns to the others and tells them that it's time for them to get back to their wacky adventures in time and space. But before they reenter the TARDIS, Mark announces he can no longer cope with Dara's gormless self-obsessed bitchiness. Thus, it is time for one last coin flip - the loser gets to hang around Dara while the winner is finally free.

The Doctor is devastated at the thought, but realizes he has a fifty-fifty chance of ditching Dara forever. He flips the coin once more and...

Mark wins!

Diving into a nearby Porsche with Catwoman at the wheel, the Star Fleet officer flips the duo the bird as they roar off into the sunset.

The Doctor frowns and realizes that the coin Mark kept winning with... WAS A DOUBLE-HEADED COIN! Furious, he shouts out abuse at the retreating car, but it's too late, he's stuck with the moronic teenage girl without any intelligent company left any more.

Grumbling, he demands to know what Dara is staring at and storms into the TARDIS. Next stop: New Orleans Mardi Gras!

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