Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Hey, I Was Listening To That!

The Superiority Complex Audio Dramas are without doubt the longest-running, least-known and unliked Doctor Who fan production in the entire world. The SCADs have been around for 26 years and that ties with the BBC for continuous production of Doctor Who, as long as 'continuous' allows for one season finished over the course of four years and 'production' means ripping off official TV stories and hoping no one notices.

The SCADs employs both amateur and unprofessional writers and actors; like Paul Ebbs who was famous. Yeah, they sacked him. And John Drew should be very familiar with Doctor Who fans. Should be, but isn't.

On the acting side, three of the five Doctors are professional actors, while the other two are just David Segal mixing his medication and screaming quotes into microphones. Loony.

The SCADs will always be here, like herpes, even if no one listens to them or absolutely no one knows or cares of their existence. They were there during the Wilderness Years... just like everyone else. They'll be there during the 2009 hiatus. Just like everyone else. But the SCADs will make a song and dance about it! And unlike the poofy BBC Wales efforts who can only give you fifteen episodes a year, or Big Finish with over fifteen stories a year, the SCADs quite often manage to release TWO stories a year (three if they decide to rip off a Tom Baker Cyberman story again)

Not even diehard American fans know about these losers, but they still lord it over everyone...


The Imaginatively-Entitled SCAD Quizz!
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After taking part with the Superiority Complex Audio Dramas, Andrew Beeblebrox got bored and wrote down fifty five questions to challenge his knowledge about what he had just experienced. He decided to offer it to people and make them mull and tear their hair out with the sadism of all gameshow hosts since time began, but it quickly became apparent that no one had heard any of the SCADs and had no idea what the point was... if there WAS a point at all. Cunningly, the shagged hermit made it multiple choice, realized he didn't really care any more, and used the quizz as a makeshift dartboard.



1. Before being diverted, who was the Doctor going to visit before finding Devil Gate Drive?
a: Eccentrica Gallumbits the triple-breasted whore of Eroticon 6
b: Suzie Quatro
c: Hans Christian Anderson
d: Psychostrategist Carnell in 1 Fendahleen Parade, Kaldor City

2. For how many seasons did Jeffrey Coburn play the Doctor?
a: None
b: 4
c: 9
d: I do not believe in linear time. Past, present and future have no meaning.

3. How many audio Dramas featuring Jeffrey Coburn also featured the Bastard?
a: Twelve
b: Five
c: To which bastard are you referring to? There are so many?
d: Four

4. How many episodes has The Clannad Album of Darkmere?
a: Too Many
b: 7 maybe? Less?
c: WAY Too Many
d: Not Enough

5. How many Jeffrey Coburn stories had four episodes?
a: Less than 20
b: Less than 30
c: 11
d: All of them. If not, why not?

6. How many stories were written by John S. Drew?
a: All the crap ones
b: You call that drivel "writing"?
c: Five
d: Enough

7. In A Pollygon, where is the Doctor taken after he regenerates?
a: The Betty Ford Clinic
b: Alcoholics Anonymous
c: Roughly from behind
d: Albion Hospital

8. In which building does the Doctor leave Dara in Fictional Hippopotamus?
a: The Self-Absorbed Fugly Slag Bitch Refuge for the Terminally Moronic
b: The Louvre
c: Trick question, he doesn't leave her anywhere though Christ knows I wish he had
d: Trick question, he doesn't leave her until Polymorph

9. In which caves is The Hidden Bonus set?
a: The Caves of Skulls
b: The Caves of The Killer Rabbit From Monty Python and the Holy Grail
c: The Caves of Anthropomorphism
d: Southbank Caves

10. In which century is 7th Dungeon of Dramoore set?
a: 21st
b: 13th
c: 20th
d: I still don't believe in linear time - or have I already said that?

11. In which of these stories does the Doctor travel 'commando'?
a: The TV Movie
b: The Lethal Assassin
c: I dunno, I lost my copy of The Rth Doctor by Jean-Marc Lofficer!
d: The Curse of the Arabs

12. In which story did Chris become a travelling companion?
a: The Warlords of Apeshit
b: The Clannad Album of Darkmere
c: Who's Chris?
d: It's in the New Adventures, isn't it?

13. In which story would you find the character Jessica Hoblock?
a: A very, very bad one
b: Polymorph
c: An episode of Holbock City
d: A story that doesn't exist

14. In which year is Château du Dragon set?
a: 2041
b: 1420
c: 1999
d: If I say "the UNIT Era" will you leave me alone?

15. Target Saigon and which other story featured the K Factor?
a: What the fuck is the K Factor?!
b: I've never heard of the K Factor before, I think you've got this wrong
c: You're making this up!
d: Terri on Terri

16. To which Star Cruiser are the Doctor and crew transported to at the beginning of Target Saigon?
a: Revelation
b: Exodus
c: Some ghastly foreign film director, how the hell should I know
d: Genesys

17. What are the creatures in Augury of Dustbins?
a: Dustbins
b: Dustbins
c: For god's sake there are dozens of different aliens in that, it's like Mos Eisley through a kalediescope for the love of Led Zepplin!
d: Dustbins

18. What are the names of TWO of the Torchwood team members in The Cardiff Rift?
a: Suzie and James
b: Horny and Nobby
c: Jakim and Manim
d: IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER!!

19. What does the Doctor find a "clue" in/around in Château du Dragon?
a: A copy of the original New Adventure
b: The plot of "Skyscraper"
c: A Turkish bordello, bath house and opium den
d: Mud from the ground

20. What is the eighteenth story?
a: Galaxy Fun
b: Silver Finish
c: The one where Tom Baker meets Adric
d: Radio Y2K

21. What's the name of Anne Nicole Smith's father?
a: It's not ME, that's for sure!
b: Kingston
c: Who cares? The bitch is dead
d: What in the name of Slitheen Buggery does this have to do with Doctor Who?

22. Where is Polymorph set?
a: Red Dwarf
b: I would like you to know that I have become an alcoholic
c: Between Devil Gate Drive and The Curse of the Arabs
d: Ireland

23. Which companion was in The Backpacker of The Night?
a: Buffy
b: Dara
c: Mina Harker
d: It was MEEEEE!!

24. Which friend does the Doctor meet up with in The Curse of the Arab?
a: Adolf Hitler
b: Hubert Laroche
c: Mark Gatiss
d: A small child's sock left in medicinal alcohol reffered to as "Missy"

25. Which magician does the Doctor visit in The Backpacker of the Night?
a: Harry Houdini
b: Carter Evans
c: It's the BAND Magician, you retards
d: I sawed the woman in half... now I need to hide the body!

26. Which of these is a character NOT played by Sheri Devine?
a: Mark Tryhard
b: Anthony Ainley
c: Colonel Charles Crichton
d: The Super-Trod

27. Which story DIDN'T feature the Dustbins?
a: The Dustbins in London
b: Return of the Dustbins
c: They were so utterly awful that The Empire of the Dustbins Strikes Back! doesn't count
d: Absence of the Dustbins by Rob "Transuranic Element" Shearman

28. Which story features Jeffrey Coburn in the part of the Doctor?
a: A story which features Jeffrey Coburn in the part of the Doctor
b: A story not featuring David Segal in the part of the Doctor
c: He's just like David Tennant if you squint a bit
d: The Price of Paris

29. Which story had a working title of Sphincter World?
a: Dr. Who and the Riddle of the Sphincter
b: A story with its head up someone's arse, I guess
c: Anything by Mad Larry Miles
d: Devine Aura # IV

30. Which story is 72 minutes long?
a: The Clannad Album of Darkmere
b: I don't care
c: A story that is 72 minutes short
d: Dr Who & The 72 Minutes of Story

31. Which story was the tenth?
a: The Michaelmas Evasion
b: The Augury of Dustbins
c: The Dustbin Vacation on Earth
d: The Tree Doctors

32. Which 'test' is Christine given during The Cardiff Rift?
a: History
b: Biology
c: Sociology
d: Drowning

33. Which was story 13D?
a: It's a bra size, isn't it?
b: The one with the Fourth Doctor, Sarah Jane Smith and Phil Newman
c: Devil Gate Drive
d: Dunno, but it probably sucked like a llama

34. Who composed the title music used in Château du Dragon?
a: There was a composer?
b: There wasn't a composer
c: Keff McCulloch
d: It's stolen music, so Keff McCulloch doesn't count, does he?

35. Who did Sheri Devine play in The Cardiff Rift?
a: Dara. Dumbass.
b: Dara. Moron.
c: You forgot about her? I wish I was you.
d: The Super-Trod

36. Who did the Doctor 'regenerate' into during Countdown to Armadillo?
a: Peter Davison
b: Someone who wasn't as big a loser as Dave Segal
c: Why is regenerate in inverted commas? Are you saying he didn't regenerate? Is this something to do with The Dork Dimension or something?
d: Jeffrey Coburn

37. Who did the Doctor 'regenerate' into during The Chronic Rift?
a: Those fucking inverted commas again...
b: Steve Johnson
c: Jym DeNatale
d: A fat bearded git you wouldn't piss on if he was on fire

38. Who directed A Pollygon?
a: Some hack
b: Some hack
c: Some hack
d: Thomas Himinez

39. Who directed Dork Dreams?
a: Some hack
b: Some hack
c: NOT Thomas Himinez
d: David Segal

40. Who directed Polymorph?
a: Look, I've stopped caring by now
b: I didn't even listen to it
c: Red Dwarf rocks
d: It was awful, so my money's on Chip Jamison

41. Who does Chip Jamieson play in the Clannad Album of Darkmere?
a: "Jamieson"? Oo ees zis "Jamieson?"
b: Enya
c: A four-foot tall furry bundle of sadness
d: The noisy bastard who is rubbish at dialogue

42. Who helps the Doctor and Christine in The Hidden Bonus?
a: Trick question, no one helps them
b: Trick question, I don't care
c: Mother's Little Helper
d: Tim the Enchanter from Monty Python and the Holy Grail

43. Who is the female vampire in The Backpacker of Night?
a: Drusilla
b: Renata
c: Darla
d: Sunshine

44. Who played the 'magician' in The Backpacker of the Night?
a: Jeff Coburn
b: Jym DeNatale
c: Angus Deyton
d: Seriously, WHAT is it with the inverted commas?

45. Who plays companion Dara Hamilton?
a: A 70-year-old Texan with no acting ability
b: A 192-year-old Southern Baptist with no acting ability
c: A completely convincing 19-year-old British private schoolgirl
d: Sheri Devine

46. Who preceeded Jeffrey Coburn as Doctor Who?
a: The bloke ahead of him in the queue
b: Tom Baker
c: Sylvester McCoy
d: David Segal

47. Who stole Dara's purse in The Doomsday Single?
a: Someone with no concept of worth
b: Dara has a purse???
c: I don't listen to stories by John S. Drew because I hate him and everything he stands for
d: Lucky Eddie

48. Who was Tara's boyfriend in Radio Y2K?
a: Someone going through a VERY low period of self-esteem
b: Someone criminally insane with a kinky fetish
c: I don't listen to stories by John S. Drew because I hate him and everything he stands for
d: David Bowie

49. Who wrote Dork Dreams?
a: There's a writer? I just thought the actors just ad-libbed like crazy
b: Joseph "Trod Shagger" Medina
c: Martin Ordini for Blake's Legacy
d: Whoever they are, they should be ashamed of themselves

50. Who wrote The Empire of the Dustbins Strikes Back?
a: George Lucas
b: Well, are you talking about the stuff they outright plagiarized from Terry Nation, Eric Saward, Ben Aaaaronovitch, Karl Marx, David Pisstaker and the Revered Spooner? Joseph Medina and Thomas Himinez
c: Nicholas Briggs
d: A dead man once I get my hands on them?

51. Who wrote Jeffrey Coburne's third-to-last story?
a: John S. Drew
b: John S. Drew
c: David Agnew
d: John S. Drew

52. Who wrote The Clannad Album of Darkmere?
a: God damn, EVERY question is about this story!
b: Clannad
c: It was ME, wasn't it?
d: Thomas Himinez

53. Who wrote the Jeffrey Coburn series Handbook?
a: A. Moron Who Overhypes Everything
b: A. Compulsive Liar
c: Someone who missed the whole point of having a Handbook
d: Charles Danbee

54. Who wrote the last story of season 29?
a: Alan Barnes with "Nowhere Land"
b: RTD with "The Beat of the Drums"
c: Paul Ebbs with "The Augury of the Dustbins"
d: James Bow with "The Cabbie Rides For Free"

55. Does anyone actually think the SCADs are canonical?
a: No one.
b: None.
c: No.
d: Trick question - no one knows about the SCADs in the first place, let alone if they're canonical...

4 comments:

lordgargaman said...

Wow, most of that was quite funny. Makes me remember why England sent you lot down there in the first place. But seriously, I can handle you ripping on me and the others whom portraied The Doctor, but leave Sheri out of it. Or, come up here to America and try saying that crap to her.

Most sincerely,
Jym DeNatale, Her Protective Mate

Youth of Australia said...

I hope your comment has helped reinforce your masculinity. You're obviously very insecure about it, but I'm sure now Sheri thinks you're very brave and bold and not in the least patronized or offended by you leaping to her defense by writing a bitchy whine onto a satirical blog some three years after it was written. Razor-sharp reflexes there, and I'm sure she appreciates them.

But, in future, if you can't learn how to laugh at yourself, learn how to spell at least.

Πανδώρα Άγαδακις said...

Well played. I have to ask how you became their biographer.

So, the total lack of Biz 101 nous isn't an appearance? Is "Vincent Savage" Tom Himinez? Some of their old casting calls are pretty funny. "Can't have worked in adult entertainment...or been an exotic dancer...or done phone sex...or ever talked sexy to your SO". Typical evangelical wing nut.

So, since they've never bothered to incorporate or register their assumed business names, none of their copyrights have any standing. If I ever care enough I might just do a domestic incorporation in California (Fremont of course) and then file for a foreign corp in Washington as Everlasting Films, and then start making porn flicks. lol And then sue anyone that continues to use the name. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, "Dr".

Here's the one thing I don't understand. If you listen to the one Savage recording I can't understand the ineptitude with which the Dr is rendered. The other parts are OK to pretty good. Story is vacuous, but didn't anyone ever say, "Uh, mate, that really sucks". Did he have a broom handle up his arse whilst reading the lines? Had he been partially cyber converted? I can see from the comments that that quality didn't improve. "whom portraied"? That's just sad.

Youth of Australia said...

Well played. I have to ask how you became their biographer.
I'll just smile enigmatically and wave a live lobster.

Is "Vincent Savage" Tom Himinez?
I was sure he was Dave Segal. The regen sequence is like his voice has un-broken.

Some of their old casting calls are pretty funny. "Can't have worked in adult entertainment...or been an exotic dancer...or done phone sex...or ever talked sexy to your SO". Typical evangelical wing nut.
THE TYRANNY OF THE ORGASM MUST BE FOUGHT!!! HAIL BIG BROTHER!!!

So, since they've never bothered to incorporate or register their assumed business names, none of their copyrights have any standing. If I ever care enough I might just do a domestic incorporation in California (Fremont of course) and then file for a foreign corp in Washington as Everlasting Films, and then start making porn flicks.
"With the amount of viagra the stars use, they BETTER be 'everlasting' if you get my drift..."

Here's the one thing I don't understand.
Just the one?

If you listen to the one Savage recording I can't understand the ineptitude with which the Dr is rendered. The other parts are OK to pretty good. Story is vacuous, but didn't anyone ever say, "Uh, mate, that really sucks". Did he have a broom handle up his arse whilst reading the lines? Had he been partially cyber converted?
If only they'd gone the whole way.

"Doctor! New age hippies are rejecting Christianity for some wierd crystals and stuff!"
"...EXCELLENT."

That's just sad.
And it gets worse - but what do you expect from people who want Doctor Who to be as formulaic, wholesome and thematically deep as a roadrunner cartoon?