Serial 7X – Project: Lazarou
Second Entry in EC Unauthorized Guide O' Evil Minstrels
D O C T O R W H O
Serial 7X – Project: Lazarou -
The Doctor is frustrated to learn that the complicated miniature control console he's developed is nothing more than a grand piano. The advanced 'search the universe for the Bastard' is in fact nothing more that 'Candle in the Wind' played out of tune.
The TARDIS has in fact fetched up in the wild moors of Norway next to a secret entrance so perfectly hidden into the landscape that only the welcome mat and the empty milk bottles give it away.
The Doctor realizes that the fickle finger of fate – and his own fickle fingers on the piano – have lead him straight back to the major base of the infamous Touchwood organization, also including the Forge, the Glasshouse, Geocomtex, the Porlock Foundation and Area 51.
The Doctor enters, claiming to be a passing encyclopedia salesman, and is brought before Nimrod, who hopes desperately that the Encyclopedia Brittanica might contain the secret to stop people beating him up.
The Doctor agrees to help out his former deadly enemy and put aside all their prior differences and blood feuds and promises quite categorically to not simply sabotage Touchwood and ruthlessly slaughter everyone involved as a final act of Time’s Champion Total Bastard.
At that point, the Sixth Doctor strides into the room, points at the Seventh Doctor and calls him a complete and utter twat!
For once, the Seventh Doctor does not know what to say, and Nimrod explains that the Sixth Doctor turned up last week, said the exact same thing, and became Touchwood’s newest unpaid scientific advisor.
The Seventh Doctor shouts out that this is a trap, because he doesn’t remember that... but the Sixth Doctor points out that he’ll just get an amnesia drug one day and edit this business out of his memory, so the Seventh Doctor falls silent and scowls irritably.
The Sixth Doctor explains that the relatives of the slimy blue monster they were trying to turn into nerve gas are attacking the human race for some tiny little thing about brutally murdering one of their number and stealing their space ship.
Since he couldn’t go back to working with UNIT since they abandoned their Casual Friday policy and "upped" the dress code, the Sixth Doctor decided to join forces with Touchwood, and who gives a fuck about what Evelyn would have said anyway?
Unfortunately, the Sixth Doctor has locked himself out of his TARDIS and until he can get a spare key is stuck on Earth – mainly passing the time by jamming tasers into Nimrod’s goolies.
The Seventh Doctor decides to open communications with the slimy blue people, then offer them a handy super weapon preprogrammed to turn their sun nova, and immediately begins rehearsing his "I saved the lives of millions, and that surely justifies it!" speech.
As the Seventh Doctor considers his next move, Nimrod and the Sixth
privately discuss their own plans, with the Sixth Doctor intending to sell the Seventh Doctor for medical experiments and then nick his TARDIS. Nimrod points out this would surely lead the Sixth Doctor to suffering that fate when he finally became the Seventh and, highly annoyed, the Sixth Doctor shoves a high current electric cable down Nimrod’s underpants, causing him to squeal and cringe.
Just then, an army of the slimy blue things of death, wielding slime-stained swords of death, run down the corridor, screaming and shouting and dripping paralyzing blue death everywhere.
The Seventh Doctor strides forwards to say hello, but when they ignore his attempts to make peace, the Doctor gulps and points to his previous incarnation and shouts, "HE'S THE ONE YOU WANT!"
The Sixth Doctor shouts that his future self is one selfish son of a bitch and runs in the opposite direction as far and as faster as he can to avoid the hacking, slashing metallic death...
The Seventh Doctor tuts loudly and throws some Nitro-9 at the slime beasts and blows them to pieces – spraying all the Touchwood security team with blue gooey death since they were foolish enough not to carry round a question mark umbrella with them at all times.
"It’s your own fault, you know," the Seventh Doctor points out.
However, when he notes that Nimrod is one of the dead corpses, the Sixth Doctor pokes his head round a corner and notes that this is no biggie – Nimrod is, in fact, a clone created from all the blood spilt during the countless gonad fryings that have occurred to him.
Cheerfully, the Sixth Doctor leads his future self to a room filled with dozens of mutated versions of Nimrod, all of them dying and pleading for the Sixth Doctor to stop beating them up with cricket bats with celery nailed to the end.
The Nimrod that just died was only a few days old, since the cloning process is even more unstable than in "Multiplicity", and for each
successful clone ten failures are produced and kept here for the Sixth Doctor to vent his incredible frustration.
The Seventh Doctor points out that this is truly sick shit of the first order, but the Sixth Doctor points out that at least he’s honest about all this and not pretending to be the hired goon of some elemental force of the universe.
"Are you referring to me?" the Seventh Doctor demands, disgusted.
"Yes, I AM gnome features!" comes the rejoinder, and soon a huge punch up has started which ends with the Seventh Doctor 'accidentally' stabbing the button marked HADES PROTOCOL, triggering total and irreversible destruction of the Touchwood base.
The Sixth Doctor shouts that the Seventh Doctor MUST save him because otherwise the Seventh Doctor will never exist!
After discussing it for a moment and using an abacus, the Seventh Doctor concludes his former self is right and swears loudly.
Since they’ve used up four of their six minutes arguing the point, the two incarnations scream, panic and run around in circles for a moment and head for the exit.
Luckily all the Touchwood staff are so disorganized, drunk, high and sex-addled they have no idea what to do in an emergency and resort to shagging each other. Just then, another army of blue slime monsters attack and tear all the other speaking parts to pieces.
The Doctors scramble into the Sixth Doctor’s TARDIS and dematerialize as the base is firestormed. The Seventh Doctor drops himself off on the surface at his TARDIS, as he and his past self put aside their differences for a moment to remember what a stupid old bat Evelyn Smythe was and how they’re glad they’ll never meet again.
The Seventh Doctor resumes his quest to find the Bastard, taking some small comfort in knowing that at least Touchwood has finally been destroyed.
But in Cardiff, Captain Jack Sparrow gets a fax.
"Hey, I got promoted! Yee-haaaa!"
Book(s)/Other Related –
Doctor Who Is My Wife Now
Cloning Around: A Guide To Perverting The Course of Nature
The Origin of the Most Ridiculous Secret Organization Ever
Fluffs - Sylvester McCoy seemed like a candle in the wind in this story
"For the King? That cunt?!?" shouts Firth in part two.
The Seventh Doctor is certain he’ll never see Evelyn again, but he bumps into her again in The Tarrants of Time. Since the Seventh Doctor couldn’t possibly have known that, the only goof is that Evelyn turns up in the other story in the first place.
Fashion Victims –
The Sixth Doctor’s chest wig and posing pouch. The horror.
The Sixth Doctor suffers from the "Vortexian Squirt Overloads" after too much fresh seafood.
Links and References -
The Doctor quotes from The Hound of the Baskervilles by Arthur Conan Doyle – but those barking noises could refer to any dog-related novel.
Untelevised Misadventures -
The Doctor and Elton John once fought the mighty Quirks on the Amadan Homeworld before the arrival of the Boord Empire.
Groovy DVD Extras -
Both versions of the cover. In order to hike up sales, it was decided that the CD should have two versions of the cover – one with the Sixth Doctor stark naked and one with the Seventh Doctor wielding a cattle prod – in the belief fans would buy two copies just to get the whole set. Ironically, no one was willing to buy the version showing Colin Baker in his birthday suit, and thus Project: Lazarou is the worst-selling audio in human history.
Dialogue Disasters -
Elma Fudd: I thought wabbit season was months away!
(the infamous scene where the two Doctors have a competition on which one can kill a Nimrod clone fastest using only a pencil)
Seventh Doctor: Ten seconds - that was quick!
Sixth Doctor: I'm trying harder these days.
Sixth Doctor: Do you like my new lilac outfit?
Seventh Doctor: Ugh. I think I’m going to be sick.
Sixth Doctor: All you ever do is whine, whine, whine!
Seventh Doctor: Maybe if you weren’t such an irritating son of a bitch, we could have a decent conversation, you thick-headed swamp reptile!
Dialogue Triumphs -
Nimrod: Doctor, meet... the Doctor.
Sixth Doctor: We’ve already met.
(He drops an electric eel down Nimrod’s underpants)
Seventh Doctor: I was quite pleased with myself, but I usually am.
Sixth Doctor: You arrogant little bastard.
UnQuotable Quote -
Nimrod: Wow! This is just like that Buffy the Vampire Slayer episode!
Viewer Quotes -
"I have been quite critical of McCoy's performances in recent audios and why not? You want a piece of me? Huh? Well bring – it – on! The bastard never rehearses, is overemotional and just because I have never done any acting in my entire life, that somehow makes me not right? I BREAK YOUR CHIN, WHITE BOY!!" – Jo Ford (2004)
"Project: Lazarou has to be the most chilling and disturbing story Doctor Who has ever produced. The final sequence, where the Doctor’s best efforts merely create a shitty BBC3 miniseries of retarded Z-grade sci-fi plots with lots of sex, drugs and CGI that were written by a backward three year old with an IQ of minus seventeen. Somehow, I find the fictional explanation easier to cope with than the idea that RTD honestly thought anyone would actually like TOUCHWOOD."
– Chris Chin-Balls (2009)
"Great. Two sequels for the price of one. Can we never EVER hear ANYTHING about some stupid secret alien tech-scavenging organization ever EVER again?!?" – Andrew Beeblebrox (2004)
Psychotic Nostalgia -
"Cloning is for idiots who can’t snuff a drifter right the first time. I have no interest in the human genome, and those that do are now buried in my backyard. Wanna see my scar?"
Sylvester McCoy Speaks!
"Colin Baker and I have created this teasing little relationship at conventions. It’s what people do when the fans are around, pretend to be completely different people and say you’re just there for a lookalike contest. No, Colin and I are the best of friends... until he finds out about me and his wife, anyway."
Colin Baker Speaks!
"I, like all the fans, love it when the Doctors come together, so that excited me – it’s just a pity they couldn’t have had two Sixth Doctors. That would have been really something else. As such, well, you have to work with what you’ve got. Still, at leas the bastard is in another little cubicle across the room and not right next to you. Mind you, Sylvester does have his good points. His wife, for instance, who’s been my sex slave for many, many years. Good vintage."
Rumors & Facts –
Since Zig-Zag-Gay-Ass was shaping up to be the Worst Story Ever Told, it was wisely decided that a different Multi-Doctor story that year might at least stop the fans from instantly storming Big Finish Productions and shoving the entire production team up against the wall and machine gunning them all to death.
Well, slow them down, anyway.
This suited writers Cavan Scott & Mark Wright since they had spent most of the time they should have been scripting Doctor Who Wrecks Disney Land trying to write more Nimrod stories for Big Finish, one of them clashing the Seventh Doctor with the conductive villain.
Finally, to shut them up, Russell agreed to allow them to pen a two Doctor story on the grounds that they gave all the huge chunks of dialogue to Sylvester McCoy and a few succinct grunts to Colin Baker. The idea was the actors would be so irritated it would a real spark to the traditional Doctor argument scenes.
However, timing reasons cut out the long, long, long, long, long, LONG sequence where the two Doctors set the clone Nimrods free onto an alien planet in the distant past. The Nimrods breed like rabbits and cause mass famines, provoking the slimy blue death aliens to attack Earth in the first place.
One idea tossed around for an afternoon was that the Sixth Doctor would turn out to be an evil clone created by Touchwood in blatant plagiarism of Alien: Ressurection, but this concept was abandoned because it wouldn’t be a proper multi-Doctor story.
Any idiot could see that!