Monday, November 2, 2009

7th Doctor - Enemy of the Daleks

Serial 7W/K – Enmity of the Dustbins
An Extract From The EC Unauthorized Guide O' Afternoon Breeze Rustle


Serial 7W/K – Enmity of the Dustbins

Part One

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away... well, not THAT far away... actually it’s the Milky Way and set in the future...


A long time from now in the exact same galaxy you are reading this, it is a period of absolute carnage! Dustbin Dirt Buster spaceships, striking from a hidden base on Fargo 2.0, are kicking nine colours of shit out of the decadent human Galactic Union.

During this epic battle that we can’t actually show for budgetary reasons, the Dustbins use magnetic asteroid-shaped bombs to blow up their human enemies. In a feat of tactical genius, one single ship cunningly legs it out of the battle zone and survives.

This is a squadron of all-girl under-17 jailbait cheerleaders – who prove without doubt that their IQs aren’t dwarfed by their bra size, and they’re a lot cleverer than the other saps who hung around waiting to be blown to smithereens.

Under the command of Lieutenant Beth "Busty" Stokes, the surviving cheerleaders abandon life pods and hospital ships to be slaughtered tidily by the Dustbins and leg it for the nearest bed and breakfast, which happens to be on the planet Bris. However, for all their vaunted survival instincts, the cheerleaders are still brain-dead bimbos and manage to crash their ship into the planet in full view of the Dustbins, who immediately give chase.

The bed and breakfast is actually a military-funded scientific warfare research base (thought it does do a lovely Full English), run by an insane Kamikaze genetic manipulator called Dr. Moreau Samurai. Samurai tells the cheerleaders to bugger off as they are fully-booked, but the cheerleaders are able to intimidate him by claiming to be undercover hotel inspectors, and they are allowed inside.

Laughing sickeningly, Samurai asks the cheerleaders to forgive him for his earlier abruptness, but he has a high quality of clientele and wants to keep "the riff-raff out". It seems that Samurai is the only person running the B&B (bar a faulty robot from Barcelona called "Manual"), but the cheerleaders accept this – assuming Samurai is so bloody unpleasant no one will work for him.

The topic of the Dustbins conquering this entire galactic sector and slaughtering all life within crops up naturally in the conversation, but Samurai says he would rather die than have to get wheelchair access ramps installed in the hotel.

Outside the hotel, in the creepy grey ironweed forest of 30-high thorny mercury-filled trees, the TARDIS materializes with its traditional sampled BBC sound effect. The Doctor, Ace and Hex emerge into the plantation of razor-sharp metal trees and shredded human corpses – and it takes the time travelers a depressingly long time to twig that this is not the Galapagos Islands in 1932.

Hex accidentally slices his hand open on the wicked thorns of the trees, but luckily has just the right collection of illegal pharmaceuticals to wash the pain away... but unfortunately this means he is so off his face, he assumes that the swarm of floating sharks in the sky above are just LSD hallucinations.

The Doctor however recognizes them as a rare breed of air-breathing flying sharks that are frequently and mistakenly dubbed "piranha locusts" by human scientists. "Of course, anyone who gets close enough to spot the misnomer tend to die horribly before they get the chance to correct anyone," the Doctor explains as he and Ace grab Hex and then run for their lives to the hotel.

With only seconds before the flying sharks attack them, the Doctor, Ace and Hex somehow manage to spend the next fifteen minutes arguing with Samurai to let them in for a stand-by-late-booking-75%-discount-nine-day-special at the hotel. Samurai refuses to let them in, insisting that this is a respected and dignified establishment not open to just anyone and, besides, they could be surprisingly-convincing Dustbin androids sent to infiltrate and kill.

In desperation, the Doctor demands to be admitted under the "Protocols of Sanctuary", and the moment the trio bundle inside and escape the flying sharks, the Time Lord explains what the "Protocols of Sanctuary" actually means:

"You let us inside and the next time I fall over I don’t steady myself by repeatedly putting my foot into your testicles!"

Samurai giggles obsequiously and then locks himself in the executive washroom, refusing to come out OR let the cheerleaders use the facilities either. Selfish bastard.

Thoroughly annoyed, the Doctor decides it’s time to cut the crap. He WAS going to be all spooky and enigmatic and cryptically hint that they’ve under threat of the most dangerous and malevolent species to ever attack mankind until the first episode cliffhanger, but he can’t be arsed, especially now the golden flying saucer is landing in the plantations directly outside.

"It’s the Dustbins, Ace. From the moment we arrived, I knew we were going to face one of the worst atrocities in human history. This is the beginning of the end. The end of the beginning. The tip of the iceberg. We are SO screwed."

Part Two

After a lengthy sequence of Dustbins shooting the floating sharks out of the sky and tidying the corpses away with extreme prejudice, this detectably derivative episode begins proper.

The Dustbins arrive at the front door and demand the honeymoon suite or else they will "exterminate every last motherfucking one of the bipeds present" and set off all the fire extinguishers. The cheerleaders begin to panic and a girly pillow-fight begins, much to the awe of Hex, who marvels at the homoerotic beauty of it all.

The Doctor is going to elaborate on his knowledge about what will happen on this planet, but then he too gets distracted by the nubile girl-fight and completely loses his train of thought.

Hex is also insanely confident that 20 intellectually subnormal cheerleaders will be able to deal with the might of the Dustbin Empire, given the fact Ace once took on a Dustbin force using only a baseball bat and a chemistry set. The Doctor and Ace remind him that she nearly died and required about 25 minutes of UNIT runaround and dues ex machinas to save her ass, whereupon Hex gets rather embarrassed and pretends to suddenly be interested in the carpet.

While Ace attempts to create a truly pathetic anti-Dustbin barricade out of empty cardboard boxes and fly-paper, the Doctor and Hex have a series of comic misunderstandings with Manual, the robot butler Samurai got second-hand from a Barcelona android dealer. In fact, Manual is completely unaware they are in the middle of the war zone surrounded by the wounded and dying, and sort of assumed it was a wacky English mating ritual. Then he jams and shouts "QUE?!" over and over again.

The Doctor begins to suspect that some kind of salmonella outbreak in the kitchens will mutate with such speed and virulence that they will all be eaten alive long before the Dustbins arrive.

Then he laughs loudly, smacks Hex on the back and admits he was just messing with the gullible stoner, just to see the look on his face.

The Doctor crosses to the bathroom, which Samurai has locked himself inside, and tries to decrypt the pass code in integer-rotation... before settling for kicking it down, Shaft-style!, and confronting the repressed lunatic inside!

Curiously, the bathroom also contains some huge conical cocoon-like eggs – just the sort that could conceivably contain giant air-breathing flying sharks like the ones seen earlier in the story. The Doctor realizes that Samurai would not only have to contravene ethic research laws across the entire galaxy to do this.

"You’ve also have to be completely batshit insane!"

Samurai says it’s refreshing to meet someone who shares his attitudes.

Ace meanwhile arms the cheerleaders with all the weapons they have – nerf-ball bazookas which would take a dozen shots to stop a dead pensioner buried in concrete, but Ace has some ideas that might help increase the weapon’s efficiency. The trouble is, she won’t tell anyone what the hell those ideas ARE!

Thus, when the Dustbins politely shout through the door they have lots of jelly, ice cream and cup cakes to offer in exchange for the puny humanoids’ surrenders, the cheerleaders consider taking the chance. Depending, of course, entirely what flavor of jelly is available.

Finally the Dustbins decide it’s getting very near the end of the episode and they’ve been pissing around long enough. They simply shoot out the lock and enter the hotel, whereupon Stokes wets herself in terror and runs away – the same tactical genius that has kept her alive so far. You gotta respect character consistency like that!

Ace orders a barrage of nerf missiles against the Dustbins – and while yellow foam rubber projectiles were never going to do any damage to reinforced Dustbin casings, they DO create a huge pile of lurid dayglow mess that the obsessive mutants are duty-bound to tidy up! Thus, the Dustbins’ cleaning methods pad out the episode. Did I say "pad out the episode"? I meant, "buy the brave humans more time". Yes. Quite.

While Hex and Manual flee into the dining area, Ace and the cheerleaders head upstairs. The Dustbins head for the saloon... but once they’ve had a few ports and cigars to relax after a hard day of omnicidal holocausts, return to the action, charge the dining area, blow Manual to pieces and turn on Hex.

Just in time for a cliffhanger!

Part Three

Conveniently, there are some other diners slurping their soup out of the FRONT of their spoons – which happens to be a pet hate of the Dustbins, not only because of the inevitable stains, but because of the revolting slurping noises.

The alien invaders nuke the old couple and their celery, allowing Hex to calmly pop out through the kitchen door in absolutely no danger of any kind whatsoever. He teams up with some of the more denser cheerleaders who got lost on the stair case and are now on the ground floor once again.

The cheerleaders hand Hex a nerf-bow-and-arrow, but he tells her he’s a nurse and she should leave this sort of thing to Ace who can fire nerf weapons and keep a straight face while doing so.

For her part, Ace has discovered a horrific truth – the honeymoon suite has been pre-booked by the Dustbins, who were invited to the hotel ages ago to take part in a complimentary two-week stay! Samurai wanted the Dustbins to come here all along – but was it because they are the tidiest of guests, or did he have some more sinister reason?

Thankfully the answer to that question is "fucking obviously YES!"

Meanwhile, in the toilets, Samurai is boring the Doctor rigid with how he has spent a lifetime creating these flying sharks to be the savior of mankind. "I call them Kasabian!" the loony reveals, having been inspired by the rock band’s video clip for "Cutt Off" which featured such aeronautical killing machines.

Samurai orders the Doctor to kneel before them.

"Why?" the Doctor asks.

Samurai admits he doesn’t know, it’s just the sort of thing that people order in these sort of situations – damn it, General Zod never got this kind of back chat, did he?

The flying sharks emerge from their cocoony-eggy-things, who sing the backing vocals for "Cutt Off", and advance on the Doctor – but turn away at the last second. Samurai smacks his head, having conveniently forgotten the Kasabian are a species that feeds off Dustbins.

"I knew I created this new and unusual species for some reason – it was to save humanity, breaking the deadlock with the Dustbins! I brought them there so they could meet their own natural enemy, a race of airborne sharks that prey exclusively on Dustbins! Yes, I created a monster to stop another monster! What brilliance! NOTHING CAN GO WRONG!"

The Doctor points out that the flying sharks happily ate all those people in the forest, but Samurai puts his fingers in his ears and starts singing "Cutt Off" as well.

The horrible truth is slowly dawning on the Doctor – Samurai is a complete fucking moron whose competency with gene-splicing is as bad as his customer relations! The Kasabian consume many time their own weight in raw meat, metal, vegetation and indeed just about anything that looks at them in a funny way!

Rather like Samurai is doing, whereupon the flying sharks bitch-slap him mightily across the room.

It finally occurs to the irritating creep that instead of ending all the misery and torment the human race has been suffering in Nick Briggs’ spin-off series, all he’s done is unleash an uncontrollable swarm of swarmy things that will decimate every species in the galaxy!


The Doctor decides this is just getting silly and decides to leave the lavatory immediately, locking the door after him. He then spots some Dustbins passing and informs them about the intelligent predatory animals in the bathroom and that they’d "best give it a few minutes".

The Dustbins unwisely ignore this and break into the toilet, and even more unwisely fail to look up and are easy prey as the Kasabian drop from the ceiling and attack the manic mutants.

Meanwhile, the slow bits of the episode are padded with Hex and numerous expendable cheerleaders in tight red T-shirts running away from the Dustbins. In an interesting variation on the theme, Stokes jumps out of a broom closet screaming she hates her life and begs to be exterminated. The Dustbins assume this is a cunning bluff and leave her alone, which just depresses the emo cheerleader even more.

Ace arrives, laughs at Stokes’ misery, and wanders off as well.

At last, the infamous Black Dustbin arrives on Bris to finally claim the two week vacation allowance it has accumulated over the last few years and is mightily annoyed the bed and breakfast not only lacks a seaside view, but is also developing a new anti-Dustbin weapon. The Black Dustbin heads for the saloon and exterminates its inferiors for drinking all the complimentary sherry.

This arrogance costs it dearly as the Kasabian storm the lounge and begin to sodomize the Black Dustbin in the way only air-breathing, metal-eating, levitating genetically-modified sharks can. The Black Dustbin screams "rape", but to no avail...

Part Four

The other Dustbins have finally slaughtered everyone EXCEPT Ace and Hex, since they are regular characters and thus made of pure indestructibleness! Just at the last minute, the shoddy workmanship of the hotel comes to the rescue and the water tank falls through the ceiling and crushes the Dustbins, saving our heroes at the last second.

At something of a loose end, Ace and Hex share a quick joint and skip off to see the Doctor, pausing only to mock the suicidal Stokes on the way downstairs...

The Doctor pops into the saloon to see if there are any peanuts available and finds the violated Black Dustbin sobbing, "NO MEANS NO! WHY DIDN’T LAVROS REMOVE THE CHIP THAT MAKES ME FEEL PAIN?!"

Worse, the Black Dustbin is horrified it might be pregnant – you can’t trust flying sharks to be responsible enough to use condoms, can you? A damning indictment of most sea creatures, ladies and gentlemen.

The Kasabian are far too busy to make an honest woman out of the Black Dustbin, as they are ripping apart all the remaining Dustbins drones and using the contents as dental floss. All the while they sing "Cutt Off" and, because it’s such a catchy tune, when Ace and Hex arrive in the foyer, THEY start to sing along as well!

In the saloon, the Black Dustbin insists it has the "right to choose" and begs the Doctor perform a backstreet abortion with a coat hanger. The Time Lord finds this WAY too disturbing and decides to deal with things in the traditional way:

"ACE! Blow this entire place up with Nitro-9!"

And so, while the Kasabian attack and violently probe another group of Dustbins, Ace and Hex put some Nitro-9 behind the boiler and Samurai wanders throughout the hotel, singing "Cutt Off" at the top of his voice – at least until the Kasabian catch up with him and shred him limb from limb. Still, it’s a nicer way to go than what they were doing to the Dustbins, right?

As the Kasabian sing about how their hunger overrides mere survival and they want to conquer the entire universe. This, in retrospect, was a rather stupid thing to do in front of Time’s Champion, the Destroyer of Worlds and Bringer of Darkness – especially when he’s in the local area SPECIFICALLY to wipe your punk ass out!

Before the flying sharks finish their pep talk, the entire bed and breakfast is blown off the planet in the thirteen-megaton nuclear blast (those hotel boilers are LETHAL, dude!) and the Doctor, Ace and Hex are unsurprisingly the only survivors of the whole story.

"Still, you’ve gotta laugh, haven’t you?" Ace points out.

The trio return to the TARDIS, and Hex is frustrated that despite all his experience as a nurse and all his years of training as a dealer, he wasn’t able to help anyone score. "I don’t feel I’m right for this kind of life," Hex concludes, and suggests they go back to simply getting stoned, lying around the time machine and watching the events of the Richard Griffiths Doctor and Kate Tollinger instead.

The Doctor says that this is a decision only Hex can make.

And then agrees very quickly.

Book(s)/Other Related –
Doctor Who Discovers Voracious Flying Sharks
Doctor Who and the Genesis of the Voracious Flying Sharks
Double the Fist: Fear Factory Of The Voracious Flying Sharks

Fluffs - Sylvester McCoy seemed viscous in this story.

"Three words, my friend, THREE WORDS: ro-hyp-nol!" Hex announces to the Dustbins for no apparent reason at the end of episode two.

"THEY COME! THE KABBALAH COME!!!" squawks the Black Dustbin.

"What if they infer us as slave labor? The inference of the Dustbins is a terrible thing to witness!"

Goofs -
Despite their numerous mentions of the Dustbins, Hex cannot recall the Doctor or Ace filling him in on the hideous outer-space robot people before and needs it all explained to him yet again. In detail. Why? Seriously? Who on Earth are they expecting will listen to this story and NOT know what Dustbins are? GIVE ME SOME FREAKING STRENGTH HERE!

Fashion Victims -
The gun-totting cheerleaders in their black leather pajamas and crotchless ammo belts.

Technobabble -
The Kasabian were created by "reversing the cross-pollination ovipositor matrix" between a poached salmon and a Mexican jumping bean.

Links and References -
The Doctor bemoans this is the umpteenth remake of "Genocide of the Dustbins" (Serial 4E), but this is the first one to feature flying sharks rather than giant clams.

Untelevised Misadventures -
In one of his prior attempts to watch the adventures of the alt-Eighth Doctor and Kate Tollinger, Hex actually spent six hours viewing a New Zealand quiz show called "It’s In The Bag". He was so stoned he didn’t notice this but was compelled to "go online and complain about the repetitious storylines, undergraduate humor and blatant Kiwi agenda".

Groovy DVD Extras -
An exclusive interview with Kasabian and their reactions to inspiring GM warfare without copyright approval.

Dialogue Disasters -

Ace: What’s with the stink of – I don’t know, what is that?
Doctor: Burnt silk? Yes. Burnt silk and static electricity.
Hex: Oh, sorry, dudes. It’s my joint. You wanna puff?


Doctor: We’re facing the most angerous, most malevolent alien species ever to attack mankind –
Ace: Ohh no. Don’t say it.
Hex: Say what?
Doctor: Dustbins!
(long pause)
Hex: Not a name that inspires confidence...
Doctor: The Dustbins are a race of vicious, relentless machine creatures...
Hex: What, like the Cybermen?
Ace: They’re not a bit like the Cybermen! They’re weird alien blobs in cyborg armor and in-built weapons...
Hex: Like the Cybermen?
Doctor: They’re not like Cybermen! They are my oldest and deadliest of enemies, an implacable and unstoppable warlike race...
Hex: Like the Cybermen?
Ace: They don’t have legs.
Hex: So they’re Cybermen... who need wheelchair access?
Doctor: Look, get it through your stoner head, Hex, they are NOT like Cybermen! Cybermen are communists – Dustbins are NAZIS!
Hex: But apart from that?
Doctor: Yes, well, they ARE pretty much interchangeable now you come to mention it.

Kasabian: Chew the backbone! A solar system! These clever convicts!

Hex: You never said anything about Dustbins, either of you. Like, never said a word. This is so bogus.
Ace: Sorry. But the Terry Nation estate gets a fee every time we mention their names.
Hex: Whoa. Say no more.
Doctor: Precisely what we have been doing!

Kasabian: Sing that!

Doctor: Did you ever wonder how the Dustbins came to be, Professor?
Samurai: I’ve seen the DVD, the same as everyone else.
Doctor: They were created by a scientist, seeking to break the deadlock in a war. Believing they would save his people and leave the restrooms in a state you would wish to find them.
Samurai: Did he succeed? Did he keep the toilet facilities clean?
Doctor: No. The Dustbins exterminated them and the toilets were never cleaned again.
Samurai: And the scientist, what happened to him?
Doctor: His name became a byword for science gone mad, on the few occasions it isn’t mixed up with a certain Greek kebab shop owner down in the East End. Is that the legacy you would leave, Professor?
Samurai: [horrified] god...

Dialogue Triumphs -

Doctor: Do I have the right to destroy the Kasabian? Probably not. Who cares, anyway?

Hex: Look at the size of those things!
Doctor: Four or five times larger than normal. I wonder what’s made
these specimens so big?
Ace: Not sure this is the time for crap double entendres.
Doctor: Nonsense, there’s ALWAYS time for crap double entendres!

Doctor: I feel insulted.
Doctor: All coming back to you now, is it?
Doctor: ...give me strength.

Manual’s last words before the Dustbins open fire –
"Displays of anger can be symptomatic of underlying psychological conditions. Have you considered a course of counseling?"

Hex: Ace –
Ace: What?
Hex: Don’t suppose you’d want to...
Ace: No!
Hex: ...have, like, sex with me before the Dustbins kill us?
Ace: Phew, I was worried you were going to ask to say a prayer!
Hex: Urgh! Totally heinous, babe!

Doctor: Is it me or do I hear the sound of history repeating?
Samurai: It’s just that damn CD player skipping again!

Dying Cheerleader: H-help me…
Hex: Bummer, dudette. Anything I can do, I will.
Dying Cheerleader: Please... You must – you must kill me...
Hex: Yeah, not that though. I’m sorry.
Dying Cheerleader: Pleeease...
Hex: Try some of these pills, dudette. They TOTALLY take the edge off.

Doctor: As hos to wanton gangsta pimps, so the Dustbins are to the Kasabian. They make you their bitches! Am I right, or am I right?

Hex: What did your last slave die of?

Kasabian: You are the creator.
Samurai: You recognize me!
Kasabian: All flesh has its own, particular stench. Like Hari-Karate.
Samurai: Is that all I am to you?
Kasabian: You are not Kasabian. What else is there?
Samurai: I thought you loved me! I saw what you did to the Black Dustbin, you little slut! But you don’t do the same to me!
Kasabian: would have the Kasabian lay eggs around your flesh?
Samurai: If that’s what it takes!
Kasabian:’re a loony.
Samurai: Baby, please, I can’t wait! DO IT NOW!
Kasabian: So be it... I mean, there’s was nothing quite so satisfying and banging a virgin...

Ace: But that’s genocide.
Hex: Big word. Big, big word.
Doctor: No, no, Hex. No, no, no. "Bababadalgharaghtakamminarronnkonnbronnnerronntuonnthunntrovarrhounawnskawntoohoohoordenethurnuk." THAT’S a big word.

Hex: How many minutes in a rel?
Doctor: Not many.
Hex: Long enough for me to roll a decent spliff?
Doctor: Not even close.
Hex: Bummer.

Doctor: Don’t flirt!

UnQuotable Quote -

Hex: Stick it!

Viewer Quotes -

"That’s just the most completely brilliant thing I’ve ever seen... A flying shark!" - Vyvyan Bastard (1982)

"This is a relentless, churning, gory, action adventure that works on many different levels: the Doctor’s manipulative streak, the true horror of Samurai’s ultimate goal, Hex’s glimmerings of doubt concerning his life with the Doctor, and of course the Dustbins! Oh, why can’t people just be nice and happy? JUST FOR ONCE?!"
- President Barack Obama (2010)

"The bothersome, annoying and grating character of Manual deserves a series all of its own!" - Andrew Sachs (2009)

"Ace has suddenly become Dayna Melanby from Blake’s 7. Except she gets more lines and plots. So this is a fucking awesome development."
- Jared "No Nickname" Hansen, President of the "Blake’s 7 Rocks, You Puny Scum" Clive James lynch mob (2009)

"Oh. My. God. Two, TWO, exciting and wonderful main range releases in a row? It’s been years since they managed this! Keep it up Big Finish... if you can!" - Bitchy Reviews Dot Com (2010)

"I’m not sure I really got all the ethical hand-wringing in this story. Is it REALLY genocide if it’s an artificially-created life form in the first place? Were we supposed to get all morally nervous when smallpox was eradicated?" – 'Smallpox Was BAD People!' Monthly (Sept 2009)

"So... Dustbin weapons don’t work on sharks?!" - Eve Markson (2009)

"This story had a beginning and a middle and an end. A soundtrack and the Dustbins." - Stater of the Freaking Obvious (2010 Comeback Tour)

Psychotic Nostalgia -
"The Mutant Phrase wasn’t all that great. In fact, Mutant Phrase, I felt sucked, due to that cop out reset button of a time paradox, plus being a boring and tedious runaround. I hate The Mutant Phrase. OK, I admit it, I never actually listened to this story, but apparently it’s a rip-off of The Mutant Phrase, and I HAVE heard THAT, so... yeah. Wanna see my scar? No? ...the Mutant Phrase sucked."

Sylvester McCoy Speaks!
"It’s a great story in the sense the Dustbins aren’t defeated by ME, but sexually assaulted by some randy sharks with the ability to levitate. Terrifying, it defies convention. Or any sort of thing you could call 'sanity'. You get rather fond of the Dustbins. If it weren’t for them, where would we be? Somewhere Nick Briggs WASN’T, for a start! So, yes, it’s very tempting to let them all get wiped out by flying sharks. Especially ones not voiced by Nick Briggs. That’s true temptation."

Sophie Aldred Speaks!
"Ace has really been changed by her relationship with Hex. She’s not the angry girl who was in The Chess of Fenric or Survival, because she’s on valium, prozac and enough tranquilizers to knock out a rhinoceros. Really takes the edge off fighting evil alien monsters of death. Um. So I’ve heard."

Phillip Olivier Speaks!
"We really delve into the character with this one – mellow, drug-dealing Hex, the surfer stoner bum. It would be nice to go that little bit deeper into his stash. It’s crazy. Hee-hee-hee."

Trivia –
This is only the third BF story pitting the Seventh Doctor against the Dustbins – and in one of those, he was just watching a Richard Griffiths episode! Now, THAT’S trivial, eh?

Rumors & Facts -

Enmity of the Dustbins HAS to rank amongst Big Finishes’s best Dustbins-fight-flying-sharks-in-Torquay-hotel stories ever. For it is, in truth, the only one. With no twists, no surprises, and a plot clearly ripped off the Fifth Doctor adventure The Mutant Phrase, this is a story that has a real reason to exist.

Unfortunately that reason is "Big Finish can use the Dustbins all they like in 2009 and they are DAMN WELL NOT GOING TO WASTE THE OPPORTUNITY!!!", which also lead to the release of The Alternate Adventure, Doctor Who and the Dustbins In Seven Keys To My Pants, The Cuss of the Dustbins, Charley In Da Hood of the Dustbins, Resident Evil of the Dustbins, Charley –vs- Dustbin –vs- Viyran and of course Doctor Who Unsoiled: The Engines of Dust Eradication.

This lead to the cosmic irony that the one year of Doctor Who with no Dustbin stories was the year we ended up becoming completely and utterly sick of the stupid trashcan jerks.

In the meantime Tim Bishop was hired by Big Finish, so desperate were they for writers. Yes, Tim Bishop, the insane highland recruit who collected human ears in a tin bucket but, on the plus side, is the most efficient personal assistant anyone dare dream of.

Bishop was asked to pen a story for the Dustbins that did not feature Dulls, Lavros, Gallifrey, historical periods on Earth, the Hindenburg disaster, luxury yachts, the cast of "Chelmsford 123", a tin of chili-flavored spam but DID feature the Seventh Doctor, Ace and Hex.

Bishop was more than happy to do so... in return for one of director Ken Bentley’s kidneys and a glass of chilled white wine.

And so, while Bentley recovered from the physical and emotional trauma of the impromptu organ removal, the story was recorded. Bishop happily performed thirteen rewrites for free on the grounds he’d accidentally skewered Bentley’s appendix and he owed Big Finish a favor or two. He also got the chick who played Liz in "Shaun of the Dead" to be the big, blonde and bouncy Stokes, in return for just a small piece of Barnaby Edward’s lower intestine.

This production also features unique incidental music - a heavy, industrial, grinding sound that is unlike anything that has featured in BF, well placed within the play and sets the tone very well indeed. This guitar/rock music during the action scenes were absolutely inspired, and also covered up the hideous screams from Bishop’s victims as they went under impromptu surgery sans anesthetic.

Enmity of the Dustbins is a story about how far people are willing to go to destroy something they perceive as evil and how much of yourself, your beliefs, should be sacrificed for the cause. This story asks "where do you draw the line?", a question we only wish script editor Alan Barnes was asked more often.

Guns, girls, mad scientists, flying sharks and heavy metal thunder! What’s not the love? You know, apart from the fact it’s derivative, pulpy bollocks, of course...

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