Serial 7V - The Rupture (of Shattered Souls at Dark Melody Priory)
The Rupture (of Shattered Souls at Dark Melody Priory)
An Alternate Programme Guide by Ewen Campion-Clarke
An Extract From The EC Unauthorized Guide O' Lawnmowers
D O C T O R W H O - F E E L T H E M U S I C I N Y O U R S O U L!
Serial 7V - The Rupture (of Shattered Souls at Dark Melody Priory)
Part One – Essential Selection
It’s Friday, May 16th, 1997 and Tony Blackburn is struggling to appear relevant to today’s youth society by getting an all-expenses paid trip to Ibiza, on the dodgy pretext of sampling the spiritual experience of all night rave parties in San Antonio.
However, his producers are sick to death of Blackburn and fire him, leaving him stuck in this foreign isle, penniless and unable to even drown his sorrows in the dance music of the night club he went to Ibiza specifically to visit.
Thus, Blackburn takes the next logical step.
He takes up a life of crime until he has enough ill-gotten gains to buy a run down speakeasy in Cala D’Hort, and sell sofrit pages and reheated sangria to gullible tourists.
The TARDIS arrives on the paradise island of Ibiza where the Doctor can finally take a break from his violent, antisocial and incredibly exasperating granddaughter who is now insisting that the Doctor call her "Frumpy Toadshagger", only to realize that memories of the Spanish Civil War will set Ace off on ANOTHER fascistic fetish display!
The Doctor ducks into Blackburn’s takeaway and asks the ex-DJ if there’s any place around where he can just chill out and forget his troubles for a while, recovering from his recent experiences. Blackburn laughs bitterly and, over a bottle of retsina, tells the Doctor about the new club known as The Priory Experience.
"Mightier than Ministery and greater than Gatecrasher! This year’s hottest tracks being mixed by mixed by some of the galaxy’s top DJs having it large, loud and pumping tunes! Entrance is free too! In fact, it’s their opening night, a real pukka event... And I’m stuck here! IS THAT WHAT YOU CALL JUSTICE?!?"
Apparently The Priory Experience is run by two New Age beatniks claiming to be immortal time travellers from the distant world of Filigree or something like that, and they claim that a night in their club will "blow the cerebral cortex of you puny apes!", and soon everyone will know just what that means.
The Doctor puts this down this weirdness to some ill-thought-out DJ act, since, in his experience, people claiming to be time travelling aliens are usually sad-acts in silly tinfoil hats. However, like an irresponsible parent having a midlife crisis, the Doctor sets off to investigate the nightclub before Ace can catch up with him.
As the Doctor heads off to The Priory Experience, Ace spots him and the little Time Lord screams that he is a God of the Fourth and he is sick of her trying to stop him having fun, so he slaps her and runs off crying loudly. Ace tells him that the Doctor will come crawling back to her the way he always does!
"Fine, run off to your pathetic little disco which just happens to have transmissions from beyond this solar system directed at it!" she shouts after him. "I can’t stand all that rave-type crap, pill-poppers getting trippy with each other! It’s not my scene at all! In your dreams, faceache! And remember! There’ll be alcohol and drugs and casual sex and... and... and why the hell am I staying here?!"
Ace runs after him.
In the backroom of the Priory Experience, Sir Justin Timberlake is discussing the future of the club with the other two owners – a young, spiky haired Scotsman called Johan "Lonely Angel" Schmidt and his brother, the blond-haired arrogant John "Jay" Smith. Jay suggests they all have a nice bottle of Rassilon’s Red to drink a toast at the opening night being such a success.
Johan frowns and takes a second sip, asking if anyone else thinks the wine tastes, in his words, "a wee bit dodgy". Suddenly, Sir Justin Timberlake falls down and convulses.
"Ah, jings! You put cyanide in the booze again!"
"I like it," Jay defends himself. "Gives it a bracing taste."
"Yes, but you forgot, cyanide kills humans!"
"Really? Oh, for heaven’s sake, am I supposed to remember everything?! It’s not my fault they’re so bleeding fragile." He spares the writhing Sir Justin a glance. "Should only be another seven seconds, let it wash over you."
"Oh, that’s harsh!" Johan complains.
"Think of it this way. The heartbeat is the rhythm of our bodies, the timing of that beat the most essential part of the music, the beat of life. Now, every time, every PERSON must end, and it is that remaining number of beats that matter. Justin only has run out. Still, he was always something of a sleeping partner."
Johan sighs, shakes his head and downs his drink. "You're as bad as your mother sometimes."
The Doctor and Ace arrive at The Priory Experience and discover that the night club is actually the local branch of UNIT which was sold off after the Stock Market crash in the 1980s. The Doctor is disgusted to see his old stomping ground gutted and turned into one giant dance floor and the old biohazard vaults transformed into chill out areas – haven’t any of the patrons noticed the rampaging mummified alien zombies lurching around? Ace however, is overpowered by the noise, the music, the lasers, the crowds, the curious glass lift to the DJ’s box which happens to look like a police telephone booth...
The Doctor realizes that Ace has taken pills to "enhance" her experience – an antihistamine that left her freaking out to a truly embarrassing degree. High on the hayfever cure, Ace unpleasantly teases the Doctor about being dull, drunk and prone to panicking.
To the Doctor’s amusement, the bouncers assume that Ace is drunk off her ass and do not allow her to enter. He is annoyed however, when the same bouncer tells the Doctor he looks too old for this happening scene, and should try the ballroom dancing in town.
The Doctor jabs the bouncer in the forehead with his Power Digit, and with a tacky 1980s sound effect, the lug collapses in pain, allowing the Doctor to stride into the club as the hundreds of dancers scream and shout as the music reaches a high point.
At the bar, the Doctor gets incredibly drunk and impresses the clubbers with his tales of time travel and how there’s this absolutely fantastic kebab shop on Pluto, but soon loses himself in a remix of the theme to The A Team, and is soon on the dance floor screaming that doing the boogie is "so much more fun than time travel". The other clubbers all shout their agreement in slurred voices.
At the office, Jay and Johan finish their champagne. With the club getting real busy, it’s hoped that their oh-so-mysterious allies (that the two of them insist on referring to as "THEM!" for dramatic effect just in case any impartial listener should be observing them) should contact them tonight so they can begin "the experiment".
Jay decides to dispose of Sir Justin’s body, but Johan realizes with a grimace that Jay is going to drag the corpse to his bedroom for "a little bit of fun". Johan insists that the smell was disgusting last time and had the authorities quite literally sniffing around the premises, so he drags off the body to dispose of it properly.
This allows Jay to have an incredibly devious and mischievous phone conversation in private with an even MORE mysterious ally, one of which Johan doesn’t even know about or suspect is part of the story. Oh, indeed this be merely a layer of the true Onion of Villainy!
The Priory Experience has timed its rave music to synchronise with the sunset over the islands of Es Vedra, and when combined with the laser light show and the wild trance music, is like, fan-dabba-doozy!
The Doctor is enraptured by the colours of the sunset streaming in through the Priory’s picture window, and threatens to go "Time’s Champion" on anyone who tries to spoil this by calling it a miracle rather than a cunning marketing ploy.
Johan does the Funky Gibbon as he passes through the crowd and takes a lift to a glass booth set up high above his "congregation", where he quotes scripture, recites the doctrine of the Rapture, and generally screams bollocks about the Son of Man descending from the clouds to give all given salvation to those who believe in the truth and love of the Lord. "Still, it takes all sorts," he adds lamely. "Now it’s time for a new track, a hym exclusive to The Priory Experience and guaranteed to take you to a higher state of consciousness! As I said to Gabriel once upon a time... ALLONZEE, ARCHANGEL!!"
The clubbers scream their approval, and an intensely sinister, choral, melodic and mysterious bit of music by "the Reverend Murray Gold in da house!" plays, and instantly the Priory Experience falls silent. The clapping, the talking, the cheering, the drinking of bottles and glasses... all stops. All that can heard is the music. And, distantly, the sound of Ace demanding the "door Nazi" let her the fuck in!
Johan looks out across the silent, entranced mob and shakes his head in mid disbelief. "Jings, this crap actually WORKS!"
Meanwhile, Jay has put the body of Sir Justin Timberlake on an operating table and successfully brought him back to life! But not for long, as he decides to kill Sir Justin again with high-pitched laser beams in a gratuitously long time.
"Sorry to use such an obvious cliché, but you’re a threat to our plans. Which is why I have to kill you, but this time, deliberately. Yet I shall make you immortal. But only technically. You’ll still be dead. But I like the sound of your voice, so I’ll use it in future remixes – don’t worry if you only manage a few screams, I can always loop them. It’s a shame, as I really think you’re cute. For a human. I have issues, I’m aware of this," Jay insists over the screams.
Finally, Ace manages to break into the club as the ravers chant "Feel the music!" over and over again, and when she discovers the barman too is mesmerized and unable to get her a drink, she desperately tries to raise everyone from their trances.
"Can yer feel the vibes?" shouts Johan. "If so, you’ve entered a higher state of consciousness! If not, well, this next track I’m going to play is going to TOTALLY blow yer minds!"
"AMEN!" scream the mobs.
Back at his bar, Blackburn throws a dart at posters of other, more successful DJs.
Part Two – A Higher State Of...
Unfortunately, the next pulse-pounding beat is not as effective as "Doomsday", and after a few moments of "Just Scarecrows to War", everyone wakes up as if nothing had happened.
Ace tries to warn the Doctor that something odd is happening involving alien hypnotizing music transmissions, but he’s infuriated to find her here interfering in his time off. "If there IS something odd or something alien going on here, then I’ll deal with because I’M the Time Lord come to save the planet! You’re just trying to stop my fun! You should try it some time... And don’t give me that shit about being underage! I was celebrating my 425th when YOU were in nappies and the Curse of Pythia was sterilizing Gallifrey! And don’t shout at my friends. Where was I? Yeah, it’s my life and I can do what I like and who knows, if I have a REALLY good time I might decide to stay here for good and let Number Eight deal with you – yeah, girlie hippie beatnik Doctor! You fancy that? Now, Ace, I will ask you this ONCE and ONCE ONLY: WILL YOU DANCE WITH ME?!??"
Ace reluctantly concedes that everything seems all right again, and withdraws to let the Doctor spend one normal night with a bunch of stoned ravers drinking and smoking and watching lesbian porn, in between throwing up in the bathroom. They try to give Ace their address, but are too drink and after half an hour of trying to narrow it down to "a place with a purple front door", Ace gives up.
Elsewhere, Johan and Jay are having a frank chat. Johan was all about to celebrate the experiment being a total success, except for the fact he’s come back to find Jay using a laser to carve patterns in Sir Justin’s corpse. Rolling his eyes, Johan takes the body off to be disposed of properly... allowing Jay yet another chance to contact his mysterious-but-almost-certainly-obscene collaborators.
"Ah yes. I’ll be out of here soon. We don’t have my time, so I’ll meet you at your place. Come here? Here? HERE?!? No you cannot! You know why? My father must never find out, the old prude. He’s still insisting we pretend to be brothers so the stunted anthropoids don’t get suspicious. I’ll see you when we finish here. When? Oh, 4am. Ish. And then you can make me bark like a sea lion... Botheration, he’s coming back! Of course I don’t love you! Grow up!"
At that moment, Johan returns and Jay hastily hides the phone and changes the subject. "Jings, these humans are all so innocent, aren’t they? So happy, so euphoric, they’re brilliant, just brilliant!" Johan enthuses.
"Yes, I’m going to enjoy playing with their minds..."
"What was that?" Johan interrupts sharply.
"Nothing," Jay lies and then pops out to the dance floor to announce it is time for everyone to leave. "Remember to return here tomorrow night for the Event of a Lifetime! The human brain can be vaguely effective when used properly, you pack of bobble-brained idiots!"
However, he spots Ace punching out the barman and stealing the cash register and Jay recognizes her at once - as well he should, for there’s a photograph of her in his pocket watch with a letter written in Ancient Old High Gallifreyan:
YOU BLOODY STUPID BASTARD YOU! I WANTED A TWELVE-BORE SINGULARITY SHOTGUN FOR OTHERSTIDE AND WHAT DO I GET? A NAMBY-PAMBY CHEMISTRY SET! SO I USED IT TO CREATE A NEW EXPLOSIVE I CALL NITRO-9! WELL, WITH ANY LUCK, THIS LETTER SHOULD EXPLODE IN YOUR FACE WHEN YOU OPEN IT.
I HOPE YOU DIE THIRTEEN TIMES OVER.
ALL MY HATE
SUZANNELARNALUNGBARROWWHO (YOU CAN CALL ME ACE, MOFO!)
PS – YOU CALL GRANDFATHER A **PROPER** BABYSITTER?!"
Jay rushes over to Ace and identifies her as "Susan", a name which she’s been careful to avoid using since she regenerated after a horrible pipe bomb accident in an attempt to burn down Gabriel Chase. Ace is furious, even more so when she sees that he’s been carrying a picture of her which is not trademarked by the BBC.
Once again, she’s been manipulated and lied to when all she wanted was to be the one manipulating, lying and setting off explosives in densely populated areas, but as she prepares to pointlessly let off all the fire extinguishers, Jay admits the truth -- his real Gallifreyan name is Curtisbraxilungbarrowwho ("Curtis" for short) and he is Ace’s/Susan’s biological father!
Ace stares at Curtis for a few moments before slowly and loudly telling him she already knew that because she’s not completely stupid! She then angrily demands to know what her absentee father is doing in a human nightclub built in the remains of a Spanish UNIT HQ, is he having a mid-lives crisis?!
Curtis shrugs and admits that it DOES kind of look that way.
The Doctor and the other drunken teenagers finally fumble and bang their way to their rented apartment and collapse in a heap as the Time Lord finds it hysterical that ANYONE thinks he has some kind of secret agenda, or is playing chess on a thousand boards – he’s been bullshitting it all off the top of his head and amazed anyone took him seriously! This causes even more hilarity as the students decide they have the munchies and, for reasons best not gone into here, throw themselves into the garage, mistakenly believing it to be a 24-hour service station and start screaming for service.
Back at The Priory Experience, Curtis tries to explain to Ace why he was so neglectful and indeed positively sadistic by leaving her in the care of his insane, badly-dressed anarchist of a father. Curtis reveals that he was obsessed in running the Concept shop in Capital Low Town, and what with being so busy coming up with philosophical, religious and metaphysical concepts in both intellectual form and printed on T-shirts, he was simply unable to give his daughter the love and attention she needed. Or indeed, any at all. What’s more, while Susan was a mega genius when it came to Gallifreyan astronomy, thermonuclear dynamics and vortex-swimming before she could walk, her French never improved and thus Susan would be able to truly communicate in the universal language – how many times have we all been snubbed by an Alpha Sintaurian bartender because we do not parlez Francois?!
Thus, Curtis decided to give his father something to do after he was forcibly retired from Theta & Koschei Valeyards of Law soliciting firm after the senile old bastard got put on trial for the entirely WRONG form of soliciting. The Doctor would take Susan on a magical mystery tour to learn all the mysteries of the sky... and, you know, French... and bring her back when the holidays ended.
But perhaps because the Doctor’s stolen TARDIS was completely unsteerable, perhaps because both he and his granddaughter were nervous about settling down in Paris due to the hideous reputation of the lavatories, never actually got round to studying and instead bummed around the cosmos for years, soon forgetting even to ask the locals if there was a French tutor available?
Back on Gallifrey, Curtis’ shop went bust and he was forced to work as a shop assistant at Braxiatel Books, run by his insane bespectacled uncle, Irving "Whores Will Have Their Trinkets" Braxiatel while his wife, Susan’s mother, ran off with Susan’s godfather Terry Nation, and were never seen again.
Ace realizes that, once again, her whole life could have been a hell of a lot better if it were not for her grandfather being a complete son of a bitch, and tells Curtis that she wants nothing to do with him; she’s finally got her life sorted out, and there’s no room in it for a deadbeat dad. Or anyone with a name like "Curtis".
Ace storms out for a walk, ignoring Curtis’ protests that her grandfather is to blame for that as well. Feeling hurt and guilty, Curtis straightens his multicoloured patchwork jacket, rubs his cat badge for luck, and goes out on the pull.
The Doctor and the students finally manage to end up at Blackburn’s bar and asks the proprietor for 20 cheap cigarettes, three packs of smoky bacon crisps, some bread and lots of tortillas and brag about how they lose themselves in pulse-pounding beats that takes them away from their troubles. "It’s a religious experience," the Doctor laughs drunkenly, "in that it justifies all sorts of antisocial behavior!"
Blackburn screams that today’s youth are empty, with nothing to fight for or believe in, they turn to hollow pleasures to fill the void in their lives. Do their DJ not have the right to guide them?
After a long pause, the Doctor tells the others that he suspects the bartender is, in fact, some kind of famous DJ who wants to be recognized, leading the group of reprobates into assuming Blackburn is Jimmy Saville and crowding around for his autograph.
This, however, merely serves to depress Blackburn further.
Ace meanwhile returns to the TARDIS to sulk, but on the way bumps into Johan Schmitt in a park and she realizes that Johan is, in fact, the Doctor, three regeneration into the future – and she knows this because in the adventure immediately previous, they kept trying to kill each other in Nazi Germany!
The Tenth Doctor awkwardly explains he’s sorry about repeatedly trying to kill his granddaughter: "But as the old song says, you only hurt the ones you love!" he grins and asks for her opinion of The Priory Experience, since it’s easier than proper market research.
"Well, take two aliens who are my dad and granddad, add a pinch of mesmerizing music, a few gallons of alcohol, a smattering of illegal narcotics, three thousand teenagers and get Fanny Cradock to make something out of THAT!"
The Tenth Doctor blows out his cheeks and thanks her for her honesty, then they both shoot up on Nightnurse – a mild, over-the-counter sleeping draught which, on Gallifreyans acts like pure PCP, causing violent hallucinations, feelings of floating and lots of other cool shit! Soon, they are both flying through rainbows of colours, bending reality so much they start to have flashbacks to Big Finish stories that have yet to be released – the Seventh Doctor claims to be the soul-eating Soundman, a sea lion grabs Ace by the throat, a stoner called Hex marvels at angels falling out of a burning sky, a poem about Tony Blackburn is composed by C’Rizz the lizard beatnik from another universe and just what the hell does a chess set with each individual piece marked "BAD WOLF WAS HERE!" have to do with anything?
Back in what we shall hereby refer to as "reality", the Seventh Doctor stumbles drunkenly into the now deserted Priory Experience, and watches with horror as he sees what appears to be his previous incarnation making out with a WOMAN!!
The Sixth Doctor-lookalike is actually Curtis, who is making out with a bit of local totty called Gemma, while explaining his evil plans for the whole of the human race. Surprisingly, Gemma does mind she’s banging a homicidal alien, as she’s got a truly demented morality that means as long as she’s not in love with the actual PLANS for genocide, it’s all right to love the PLANNER.
However, the tryst is ruined as, tie around his forehead and wearing John Lennon spectacles, the Tenth Doctor shambles in, singing "It Aint Necessarily So!" to himself at the top of his voice. Curtis throws Gemma down some stairs to hide her, where her fall is unwittingly broken by the Seventh Doctor.
Gemma starts shouting abuse at the Seventh Doctor in the strange belief he is from social services and that her mother loved her father even on the day he beat her to death with his fists, so her sleeping with an alien whose plans involve sacrificing large amounts of teenagers is completely above board and if the Seventh Doctor attempt to so much as get in the same way she’ll break his legs.
The Doctor agrees not to interfere in the plans of "Jay and Johan" and indeed is prepared to agree to anything as long as the scary woman gets off his legs and leaves him alone.
Meanwhile, the Tenth Doctor and Curtis avoid the fact they’ve both bumped into Ace – Curtis is ashamed and upset, and the Tenth Doctor puts her down to being a rather violent drug-induced hallucination. Instead they decide to follow the instruction of their oh-so-enigmatic-and-aloof allies and go ahead with the plan. Curtis cracks open another can of triple-strength Leopard Larger and they try to see how drunk they can both get before they lose the ability to say "Let us have a little test to see how malleable the human mind really is!"
Ace, coming down from being high enough to threaten low-flying jets, finds that the Tenth Doctor has given her a new CD player to replace the one she nearly changed the outcome of World War II with, and a post-it note saying the CD contains "what could be the biggest track next year, music to make you feel that you can just reach up in the sky then effortlessly fly up and through the stars, so don’t let anyone else listen to it! BARCELONA!"
Unfortunately, Ace discovers that her Gallifreyan ears are as hypersensitive as the mangy dog anti-Sophie-Aldred fanatics compare her to! Worse, the CD is Kenny G playing one note on the flute for six hours, a note which begins to slice through Ace’s mind and within seconds SHE WILL BE DEAD!!!
Part Three - Deeper
Luckily, Ace is not a complete idiot, and simply tugs the headphones free and presses stop, before passing out.
The next morning, the hungover and miserable Tony Blackburn smashes the radio alarm clock as his replacement, Liam Halpin, the Subsonic Manchurian pratt comes on the air.
The media students awake with splitting headaches and unable to remember much as the Seventh Doctor, singing "Down Under" by Men at Work tunelessly, cooks a huge fry-up and tells them that he has decided to go off to meet the owners of The Priory Experience and generally be a nuisance, claiming that he’s been sent by UNIT to check they’re not disrespecting the décor.
Ace wakes up on the beach and spots Blackburn lugging a suspiciously-shaped parcel onto a boat. She slips aboard while he isn’t looking, and as the boat takes her to Es Vedra, Ace finds a pamphlet entitled SO YOU WANT TO KNOW ABOUT THE DOCTRINE OF THE RAPTURE? and reads it: apparently, there is a fundamentalist belief that before the coming of the Antichrist and the Great Tribulations, all true believers will be taken up to Heaven by the angels of God. So you better start pretending to be Christian so you don’t get left behind like all the non-hypocrites who genuinely believe other religions.
Meanwhile, the Time Lord barges into the office at The Priory Experience and is stunned into silence – the club is actually being run by his future incarnation... and what seems to be a past one as well!
"What the hell is this?" the Seventh Doctor demands. "Are we on Jerry Springer or something?! Why the hell are you two involved in disco?"
"Disco? Nonsense, Doc-tah!" the Tenth Doctor enthuses. "We’re just running a nightclub, a place for people to come and dance and become one mass, all in tune with the music, feeling they’re reaching a higher state of consciousness! Human beings, eh? Brilliant! It’s almost a religion to help forget their troubles..."
"So we’re going to help forget their troubles, their sad excuses for lives. Permanently!" adds Curtis with a sinister emphasis.
"What? Using the music to hypnotize the ravers? Romantic piffle!" the Doctor laughs, jabbing Curtis with his umbrella. "Honestly, only YOU could be as insane as to think you can get away with this!"
"Here, don’t talk to my son like that!" the Tenth Doctor complains.
"SON?!" the Seventh Doctor exclaims. "Curtis... is that you?!" Curtis folds his arms and nods. "You know, I never expected you to take after me... considering, you know, you’re only my son-in-law. Guess it’s a big coincidence we really don’t want to think about, because that way lies incest... This is serious!"
The Tenth Doctor leans close and grins a feral grin. "Oh no! This isn’t serious, this is FUN! And it’s going to get a lot more fun now you, me, Curtis and Ace are all together!"
The boat arrives at Es Vedra, and Ace follows Blackburn to a nearby cave where he worships a glowing orb fashioned with the features of Little Jimmy Osmond, his favorite bubblegum musician. After recent events, Blackburn’s faith in his ability to be hip, now and in touch with the youth generation is plagued with doubts, and sometimes he is haunted by strange memories of being a ventriloquist’s doll used by Graeme Garden as a party piece.
For a laugh, Ace confronts Tony Blackburn and offers to give him free membership of her choice to be the chosen DJ for those who are enraptured all the way up to heaven. Blackburn is so deeply embarrassed he automatically accepts as he begs Ace not to tell anyone about his filthy pagan worship of the Osmond family.
The Tenth Doctor explains he was reunited with his long lost song via myspace and they decided to meet up in Ibiza and chill out at a club specially suited for their common interests, so he bought the local UNIT HQ and turned it into a disco. Curtis found the whole idea amusing and so has been mixing and remixing music tracks which can temporarily dull minds.
"The music has a bigger effect on them than cigarettes or alcohol!" the Tenth Doctor enthuses. "Imagine that, Ibiza full of people who don’t rot their internal organs to get high, they just adjust their iPods! We’re going to save millions of lives, but not take away what makes life worth living! Brilliant, isn’t it?!"
"Sound is the greatest tool available to all races!" Curtis enthuses with a creepy sparkle in his eye. "It can be used in so many ways on so many objects in so many places... well, not in space, obviously, no matter how many Trekky astrophysicists attempt to retcon those 60s episodes with space radar..."
The Seventh Doctor is taken aback, assuming this was all a nefarious scam to wipe the minds of as many poor innocent humans as possible and use them as soldiers who would then be mass kidnapped under the guise of the biblical rapture. The Tenth Doctor laughs this off as a truly stupid idea, but Curtis points out it’s very possible.
"I remember once when I was in this amazing club on Terserus, this tune came on and I don’t even know what it was, but everyone was dancing to it. Then these laser shot across the room, just above our heads – just at the moment when the beat stopped and there was just this beautiful melody and every single one of the two million or more people in there reached up. Trying to catch the lasers and then the beaten returned, only faster and twice as powerful and everyone screamed and danced so passionately. It was amazing. Like two million individuals just suddenly had one mind – there’s no other feeling like it – and I remember every single one of us had these huge smiles on our faces because just felt so happy, so full of joy at being part of this extreme experience. It wasn’t like the DJ had shouted out or like some preplanned dance sequence, it was TRIBAL! We instinctively knew what to do! Of course, it turned out later the whole thing was just a screensaver my virtual reality chair had, but I firmly believe it could happen in the real world, and use it!"
"Why?!" the Seventh Doctor demands.
"Ah, well, Curtis is a bit how we shall we say morally ambiguous?" the Tenth Doctor explains awkwardly. "Laws of time and all that, but Time Lords under threat, powerful race, everything and everyone in the universe at stake, innocents die, sacrifices made, lost everything that ever mattered before it was all over equals post-traumatic stress dissorder."
"Oh. The fact he never attended Evil Rehab couldn’t help, I suppose."
"I know, I know. He’s actually been flying through history in his TARDIS, causing chaos and mischief and since he tends to look like us, everyone assumes WE were the ones that did it."
"Blast!" the Seventh Doctor scowls. "That means all the future misdemeanors I was looking forward to committing were actually my son-in-law all the time!"
"All right, Curtis," the Tenth Doctor sighs, "what have you done this time? You’re not trying to conquer the Earth again, are you?"
Curtis grins insanely. "Yes, yes I am! With rave music!"
The Seventh Doctor pours himself a stiff drink of cyanide as Curtis rants that the Earth’s next generation don’t appreciate what they have, wallowing in self pity, reality TV and novelty ringtones! Finally the Tenth Doctor manages Curtis to explain exactly HOW Curtis thinks he can achieve this scheme, the justification of which they’re all just going to have to agree to differ on.
"The beautiful thing about music is that it can make you forget your worries, and I have made a tune that slowly wipes minds clean, erasing memories, personality, in essence, erasing their very soul. I shall distribute the song over radio, TV, internet, lift muzak, and soon all the mess of the past will leave humanity nice, clean and uncluttered!"
The Seventh Doctor sighs. "Just think, if I’d put my foot down and told her to go out with that nice Shaboogan lad instead, none of this would be happening," he despairs.
Just then, Ace and Tony Blackburn arrive, followed by Gemma who has a strange glassy stare, a slurring voice and every movement is accompanied by a crackle.
Curtis clears his throat. "Uh, dad, dads, this is Gemma."
"Don’t tell me YOU fancy humans as well?" the Tenth Doctor exclaims.
"Human?! Perish the thought!" Curtis sneers.
"I AM GEMMA! I AM THE RU-TAN!" screams Gemma, transforming into an alien blob like monster who killed the real Gemma and stole her humanoid form to mingle with the humans undetected as secret agent on behalf of the oppressive Ru-tan restaurant industry in their interminable battle against the Snotaran Pizza Delivery Empire.
Curtis introduces Gemma to her parents, but the conversation goes downhill and soon Gemma is accusing them all of being Snotaran operatives and the Doctors shouting at her to get the fuck out of the night club and take its culinary warfare to her own sector and stop murdering Ibiza’s tourists.
Just then there is a familiar noise as the luminous beanbag-like Ru-tan is reduced to an object resembling a used tissue by the man who has made all this fanwankery possible. The Seventh Doctor is horrified as a familiar sea lion enters the club, wielding a tissue compression doohickey just used to destroy the Ru-tan...
"Hello everyone, I hope I didn’t miss much," the Bastard barks.
Part Four – Euphoric Breakdown
The Seventh Doctor is utterly beside himself in fury at the fact his future self and son-in-law are collaborating with his ex-wife and mortal enemy the Bastard – surely the Tenth Doctor of all people can see how dangerous and psychotic the sea lion can be?
The spiky-haired Scotsman shrugs in his long brown coat. "Forgive and forget and all that," he offers lamely.
The Bastard reveals he was discovered by Curtis in a chatroom bitching about the directionless youths of Ibiza needing a purpose lacking in their lives, and the Bastard offered to help run the club as official mascot due to his incredible business prowess.
Curtis reveal his masterpiece, a CD of brain-wiping music composed of the dying screams of Justin Timberlake. Everyone’s assumptions that the Bastard has corrupted Curtis are confounded as the sea lion tells Curtis, "You’re sick, you freak!" and promptly leaves, shaking his head in disgust.
The others realize they’ll just have to confront that Curtis is a mass murdering sociopath and the fact he’s a really charming dinner host is never actually going to change that.
Curtis admits that, you know, maybe he owes his father-in-law apologies for continually getting him into trouble in pre-Massacre France, 21st century Borneo, 1983 Amsterdam and other such obvious-to-fans doppelganger stories, before pulling out a BFG 9000 kill-o-zap cannon, laughing evilly and locking everyone in his office while he runs off screaming that if music be the food of vengeance he has a new, improved cover version which will go straight to number one!
"It’s a good thing you grew up under my stabilizing influence," the Seventh Doctor tells Ace, and ignores her when she flips him the V.
Luckily, they are not REALLY trapped in the office since the Tenth Doctor’s TARDIS is parked in the corner, and everyone enters it to muse over the plot so far and work out a) how the hell it’s going to be stretched out for another whole episode and b) how to stop it at four.
The Tenth Doctor suggests they simply sabotage The Priory Experience’s DJ booth, stopping the music at its source before the ravers and clubbers arrive, but this brilliantly simple scheme is ruined when the Doctor discovers a crook-lock on the console, rendering the TARDIS useless and forcing them to come up with a completely new plan.
"The fallen angel’s legacies are the weapons to finish the war!" Curtis screams into a microphone as he remixes a copy of Rush’s "Fountains of Lamneth". No, I don’t have a clue what the hell he’s talking about, either.
As night falls, the clubbers arrive at The Priory Experience as Curtis prepares this new dance tune which will either wipe the mind of every single person in Ibiza or else just kill them all. Unfortunately, the complete useless work experience DJ accidentally reveals this over the PA system with his screams of, "JESUS CHRIST, MAN, YOU NEVER SAID ANYTHING ABOUT MASS MURDER?! I BETTER BE PAID EXTRA FOR KILLING ALL THE CLUBBERS DOWN THERE! FRYING THEIR BRAINS IS SO BAD KARMA!" until Curtis throws him out of the booth and he splatters to the ground two floor below.
Luckily, all the clubbers are all on ecstasy and don’t mind dancing around the messy remains.
Finally, the Two Doctors, Ace and Tony Blackburn manage to escape the office after a thrilling escape through some ventilation shafts which the Tenth Doctor built into The Priory Experience for sheer nostalgia buzz, and emerge onto the dance floor to find thousands of non-speaking partying extras already entranced.
Realizing that the moronic bouncers are still turning away those with ID, Curtis screams "SATAN’S DISCIPLES DO NOT BOOGIE!" for no apparent reason. "LET THE DYING BEGIN!" The final dance mix begins, heralding the deaths of thousands, so Ace finally decides that the time has come for "affirmative parenting Ace-style!".
After climbing through a window, over some rafters and dropping into the DJ Booth, Ace punches Curtis repeatedly in the face and then seizes him and holds her over the dancefloor. All she has to do is let go, and he’ll fall to her death, just as the DJ did.
Curtis babbles that this "young lady" should return him to safety right this instant and how sick and tired he is all Ace’s whining, and it is time she and the entire planet Earth were taught a lesson. Ace however suggests that she has enough Nitro-9 to guarantee as many casualties as possible, most of them Curtis.
"Don’t look at me, I’m not getting involved in this," the Tenth Doctor advises as he stops the remix, snapping the clubgoers free of its spell and hands the CD to Blackburn for safe keeping.
However at that moment, Curtis gets the better of Ace and throws her to her death! Ace’s memories swirl around her as death rises up to meet her... but it actually turns out this is just a PCP flashback and she is in fact in no danger whatsoever.
Curtis vows to go back into Evil Rehab and the Seventh Doctor seizes the DJ’s mic to address the bewildered clubgoers, announcing that "DJ Cthulu Jones is in da house!" and playing a brand new remix of the Beastie Boys' "Bigger On The Inside!" and lets the party resume.
"From now on," he says, turning to the others, "there’s going to be a lot more living and a lot less whining in this family? Get it?"
"Got it," reply the others meekly.
"Good! Now," the Seventh Doctor adds, pulling out a gun and aiming it at the others, "BOOGIE OR DIE!!" He pulls the trigger, revealing it was a novelty gun-shaped party popper and everyone laughs cheesily.
Unfortunately, at that moment, Ace’s discarded nitro-9 explodes, causing a fire that burns The Priory Experience to the ground before a sudden ominous rainstorm douses the fire.
"Atmospheric excitation," the Tenth Doctor explains his party piece. "Seriously, there is something about me and old priories bursting into flame... especially when young teenage girls are experimenting with pipe bombs..."
Later, Curtis returns to his TARDIS vowing to mend his ways and have lots of fun adventures with no more gratuitous angst. "Not if I have anything to do with it!" booms a familiar voice as the Bastard scuttles from the interior doorway.
Even later still, Tony Blackburn appears on the Top of Pops, good naturedly taking abuse from the host and voiceovers and captions about being a washed up z-rate celebrity with no future whatsoever. Grinning evilly, Tony holds up his new gold record and screams:
"Ven-gee-yance is mine! EAT BRAIN-WIPING REMIX, YOU MEDIA PIGS!"
And the music echoing through the studio blows everyone’s mind...
Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who Struts His Funky Stuff!
The Sea Lion Bastard Adventures: Clubbed To Death
The Family Reunion of TIME!
The Fanwank Implosion 2: The Story Mad Larry Fears!
Big Finish Rave Music – By Fans For Fans
Fluffs - Sylvester McCoy seemed a funk soul brother in this story.
If the Tenth Doctor is just giving Curtis occupational therapy, why is he pretending that they are working for some evil space army of unidentified mysterious monsters? Is he just having a laugh? Is he? Is he having a laugh?
Why does Curtis blame his crappy name on his father-in-law? Is there some kind of time-travel incest happening we don’t want to know about it? Was Curtis created by a broken condom and a relative dimensional stabilizer? Does anyone really care?
Fashion Victims -
Curtis wears the Sixth Doctor’s hand-me-downs, only with more eye-searing purple stipes, neon-blue polka dots and orange clogs.
The Tenth Doctor and Curtis have "sampled the synthetic ambient loop" to "multiply the trance chill-out by a factor of ten square"!
Links and References -
This story is a direct sequel to "Coleslaw Cutaway" with the return of the Tenth Doctor, and Ace’s insistence on being referred to as "Toadshagger" for reasons which made sense at the time but now completely escape me at present. Meanwhile, the Bastard returns to cash in on the spectacular success from "Bust Reading".
At one point Curtis shouts at his followers to "Encase those Arseholes!" in a crude piece of product placement.
Ace’s deathbed regeneration scene which actually turns out to be an LSD flashback features every story she's been in, from "Dragonbreath" to "Chess of Fenric" via some more canonical PDAs...
ACE: Wotcha! I’m Ace! Have some ice cold Sake over your head!
7TH DOCTOR: Doctor. As in, The Doctor.
SUSAN: I’ve been through time and space, one day I’ll know all the mysteries of the universe and then grandfather will stop getting drunk and dressing like Carmen Miranda.
ACE: I’m not a little girl anymore!
7TH DOCTOR: When we get to Maiden’s Head would you like me to buy you an ice cream?
ACE: Oh yes please!
CURTIS: My name is Curtisbraxilungbarrowwho! Susan, I AM your father!
1ST DOCTOR: She’s an unruly child!
ACE: Is it Daryl? I think he looks like a Daryl.
K9: Affirmative, "Simon".
ACE: Ah, let the whiny old cow get eaten by Krill - I’m off clubbing!
7TH DOCTOR: You chatted up that chinese girl?? GOOD ON YA MATE!!
BARBARA: Can't you see this is just some game you and your grandfather have made up, some fantasy you've been living, like when Ian and I play baby oil twister!
CURTIS: Call me Curtis. My leg’s gone to sleep!
7TH DOCTOR: The Chess of Fenric!
SUSAN: I can't believe this, you two break in here, endanger everyone's life, blackmail my grandfather and sit around laughing about it, if you keep this up I might start to like you.
7TH DOCTOR: Goth Night!
ACE: It's not Ace...it's....Susan. My name is Susan. But Susan is dead! I died, I didn't mix the nitro right. I was so drunk!
CYBERLEADER: WOW, WE REALLY ARE CRAP, AREN’T WE? PASS THE SUGAR, HUMAN!
7TH DOCTOR: Coleslaw Cutaway!
KLUTZ: Fraulein Ace!
KLUTZ: Come and join me, Fraulein Ace! Come and join me in the everlasting fires of Hell itsel-– oh, no, w-who-whoooooa! Ow! Argh! Oh god! Oh! Argh! My back! Argh! Gott in Himmel! My toenails! Arhjh!
ACE: What a klutz...
SUSAN: If I don't blow something up I'm going to blow up myself!
10TH DOCTOR: Now go out there, Ace, spread the truth and love of the Lord, and play those kicking tunes! Twenty years till pop music, yer gonna love it!
ACE: Alright, but lay off the hash brownies for once Professor.
Untelevised Misadventures -
The Doctor fought with Gustavo's father in the Spanish Civil War and later brought Gustavo to Ibiza to recover after the horrors of the war. Then Gustavo turned evil and was just about to conquer the entire universe when he was killed by Blackburn in a drive by shooting.
Groovy DVD Extras -
Exclusive "blistering" music tracks I have chosen NOT to listen to on the grounds they will rot my brain and let aliens use me as canon fodder in their interminable alien wars.
Dialogue Disasters -
Blackburn: I was fired, started a bar in Ibiza, fought an alien invasion, and now annihilated the entire audience of Top of the Pops. Funny how you never know how the night will turn out.
Ace: Don’t you people have work to do?
Raver: Baby, we’re media students. This IS our work!
Doctor: In many, many years of experience, people claiming to time travelling aliens usually tend to sad-acts in silly tinfoil hats.
DJ Steve Simpson: First some tunes, starting with one with we haven’t heard in around about a month, unless of course you’re a casual fan of Big Finish and only really buy them in bulk from dodgy guys called Dave at sadact Doctor Who conventions. Nevertheless, I know you're going to enjoy... Panopticon SlowDeathMetal Remix Build 40!
Ace: Stop talking, Tony! We can see what it is, we don't need a running commentary! Honestly, anyone would think this is all on audio!
Dialogue Triumphs -
Blackburn after listening to the Remix:
"So here's my final thought...damn it, my mind's gone completely blank."
Tenth Doctor: This really is one of the better ventilation shafts I've crawled through.
Seventh Doctor: You mean they doesn’t get better than this for the next three centuries? Now that IS depressing.
Curtis: You have all become selfish, and interested only in yourselves!
Raver: Ah, so THAT’S what selfish means!
Seventh Doctor: Listen to me, all of you! There are people out there who will condemn you for the way you live your lives, but one day, yes, one day those reactionary stick-in-the-muds will be in their retirement homes, choking on their teeth as they try to tell everyone their catheters have been dislodged! Until then they’ll be lots of regrets, many tears, ego crushing anxieties. Just get the hell out of my face and do that kinky crap to your hearts content, see if I care. You’re on Ibiza, aren’t you? You’re here to party! Stop moaning about the best days of your lives and START LIVING THEM!
Ace: That’s fucking profound, Professor.
Tenth Doctor: Thank you, Ace. I thought of it all by myself.
Seventh Doctor: Quiet, you!
Raver: Hey, I can't dance to this!
Clubber: Why not!
Raver: I don’t have any legs!
Seventh Doctor: I'm not a superhero Ace! I make mistakes! People die! I need some time off. Some time to relax. Some time to smell the roses. And most importantly, some time to see if Mákina lives up to its hype or whether or not it’s just the usual UK bouncy techno nonsense!
Blackburn: You must not forget your beliefs, Senorita Gemma Ru-tan.
Gemma: No, but I can't let them control me.
Bastard: Indeed. That’s what I’m for!
Tenth Doctor: There's only one word for this place - fan-dabby-doozy!
Curtis: Your whole life has been a lie.
Ace: Yeah, but a damn interesting one.
UnQuotable Quote -
Tenth Doctor: Another flashback - getting boring now!
Viewer Quotes -
"If they can wind a Doctor Who story around angst ridden teenagers in Ibiza there's still hope for Tom Baker's cabbage on the shoulder companion and the story set on the world of lesbian nuns... and if not, WHY NOT?!" - Andrew Beeblebrox (2004)
"There's one word for this story: 'wicked'. And if you find THAT particular turn of phrase unflinchingly hip and up to the minute then this is the audio for you. If, like the rest of us, are actually aware it isn’t 1997 any more, this audio is whacked." - Dave Restal (2005)
"This story the highest count of swearing and sexual references to date in a BF story! Fucking weak! Get your act together you cunts!" - contemporary SFX Review (2002)
"At times the music is just entrancing, the surreal track leading up to the end of the second episode is just one long head-fuck of music and I was hypnotised! It's catchy stuff and feels appropriately nineties enough to work. And as I said the new theme music was ace! YO-YO-YO!" - Jo Ford Prefect (2004)
"I detest Rave Music, and was dreading the incessant beat that would inevitably accompany much of this story. Not one to make much of a song and dance over." - Andrew Lloyd-Webber (2002)
"There was a fair amount in The Rupture of Shattered Souls at Dark Melody Priory that appealed to me. The experimental feel of the production, with its distinct and different style was fresh and welcome. I think that there should have been more killer music and drugs, and less of Sophie Aldred getting weepy. Getting naked would have been acceptable, though." - Nigel Verkoff (2003)
"I think it’s high time we had a new companion for the Seventh Doctor. Considering how well Evelyn and Charley have gone down with the punters, sometimes literally, it actually feels a little surprising this step hasn’t been taken already. A new companion for 7th Doctor could also bring out some much needed freshness in his character, like some stoner ambo officer called Hex. If Big Finish are reading this, DO NOT STEAL MY IDEA!!" - Ewen Campion-Clarke (2001)
Psychotic Nostalgia -
"God said 'Let there be light'. And there was light. God said 'Let there be a very popular Spanish disco for thousands of bakalas ravers every weekend eager to listen to their favorite tunes all night long.' And there was a very popular Spanish disco for thousands of bakalas ravers every weekend eager to listen to their favorite tunes all night long. It was then that God began to realize that he had a bit too much free time on his hands."
David Tennant Speaks! (2002)
"If I played the Doctor for real, would I keep the sideburns? I really couldn’t tell you. I can’t even really believe it’s going to happen, so I’ve made absolutely no decisions about my sideburns. But I might quite possibly grow a beard and shave my head. Apparently, it’s the best look to appeal to people like Russell Davies."
Colin Baker Speaks!
"What happened between me and Sophie Aldred? I don’t want to talk about it. Leave me alone. It would never have worked out."
David Tennant Speaks! (2008)
"Actually, I got the part anyway, but that shaved head and beard look works like a charm – no way would Chris Eccleston have managed to get the part without it. As for what I think of appearing in The Rupture, well, you’ll never know. I’m not puncturing any balloons of mystery with the needle of truth. It was well fucked up and no mistake."
Sylvester McCoy Speaks!
"I got a song within my mind, I’ve been singing it all day!
I’m going to teach you now so come on and answer when I say...
When you hear me start screaming, listen! I ain’t gonna quit!
Gonna show you different sizes that are guaranteed going to fit!
When you hear a warm vibration, look out baby, this is it... Hey!
HEY SAILOR MAN, I’M A NAME ON TIME’S ARROW!
I said, 'HEY SAILOR MAN, I’M A NAME ON TIME’S ARROW!'"
That cover is supposed to be cool and experimental. It isn’t.
Rumors & Facts -
Author of The Rupture Dave Lister is an Englishman living in Dublin where he sells cars for a living. Or a pig-farming, dog-walking supermarket cashier. Or something. No one really knows, including Lister himself, especially after a Monopoly Board pub crawl left him stark naked on a park bench outside Stockwell with no memory of his former life bar a Jupiter Mining Corporation ship-issue condom.
Deeper in debt than he ever thought possible and forced to rent accommodation in a bus station luggage locker, Lister needed cash stat! Thus he scribbled out a rubbish idea about rave music being used by evil government conspirators and submitted it to Big Finish.
Two years later, when it seemed that every script had been used up in failed attempts to tempt Tom Baker back to the role, Producer Gay Russell found the pitch for "The Capture" lining the litter tray of Gareth Jenkins. The pitch’s clear intelligence and thought-provoking nature terrified Russell, who accepted Lister’s proposal on the grounds that it would not simply be a Sixth Doctor and Peri story.
Thus, Lister willingly rewrote the story to feature the Seventh Doctor and Ace, set between Dragonbreath and Rememberin’ to Take Out The Dustbins, but Russell insisted that this would make it too fanwanky and thus ordered it moved to "Season 27" and the club in question automatically changed to an abandoned UNIT HQ.
Lister continued to change aspects of the story again and again, adding more and more continuity references which Russell insisted would "emphasize the uniqueness of the story" since he’s never really been fond of originality. Soon, the story was a completely top-heavy clipshow of Ace stories interspersed with Ru-tan bodysnatching former companion Evelyn Smythe, as Russell developed a flipchart to show the Doctor’s family tree cross-referencing every single continuity, including stuff from unmade American relaunches.
Chaos soon erupted when, thanks to his obsessiveness in completely rewriting others’ work, Russell neglected to inform everyone that this was a Sylvester McCoy story and thus Colin Baker turned up for work expecting a four-episode story. Thus, another rewrite was carried out so that the Evil Son of Dr Who somehow ended up looking and sounding exactly like Colin Baker.
Baker himself was amazed at the chutzpah of this rather than say have him play the Sixth Doctor in a multi-Doc story, especially since they’d got David Tennant to portray an incarnation who hadn’t even existed yet! He turned to his good friend Tony Blackburn, who found this whole idea so utterly ridiculous he temporarily abandoned I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here to visit Big Finish and see for himself.
Russell locked the door and refused to let Blackburn escape until he had appeared as himself in the story, replacing three separate characters. This apparently was what drove Lister to rename the story "The Rupture", as he simply gave up trying to make sense of all the disparate elements, including a goddamned sea lion of evil.
Russell promised Lister that the story would be a real love-it-or-hate-it story which, while at first unworthy of the diamond logo, would be re-appraised some twenty years in the future, dubbed "oddball" and then quietly forgotten by fandom at large. Lister, however, was not falling for this and entirely unsurprised when every review criticized it for "drowning such important topics as drug use, binge-drinking, September 11, the psychological effects of growing up in a broken home, depression and all sorts of other subjects in a sea of Revise-Susan’s-Origins fan masturbation."
In the years following the release of "The Rupture", it remains one of the most utterly despised and abhorred release Big Finish has ever perpetrated. The mistake of its existence took more time for fandom to get over than Christopher Eccleston and cost a lot of social lives, virtually everyone who heard it and had no idea of the consequences of what they were attempting. Big Finish was branded "horse shit" and the play is universally despised...
Russell, however, had crushed yet another talented writer’s spirit under his iron thumb, and thus was completely happy.