Saturday, August 1, 2009

Unbound # 3 - Full Fathom Five

An Extract From The EC Unauthorized Programme Guide O' Fist Power


A Fistworthy Doctor – A Fistworthy Dimension

Serial 6G – Fully-Fisted Five






After a close encounter with a gang of Rastarfarian Vampires, the Doctor becomes injected with their impure blood. The Doctor quickly destroyed the vampires, but their corrupting influence had transformed him a hate-filled violent extremist rather than the poofy little cricket-jumper wearing weakling of old.

Tegan is the only companion willing to put up with this unnecessarily-violent Time Lord vampire fascist, despite his hatred for her, Nyssa, Turlough, the Brigadier, individuals in general, society in general, religion, politicians, humanity as a whole and especially the BBC. Quite simply, this Doctor would watch all his companions die screaming in agony as long as he can save himself.

When the TARDIS arrives in Australia in the Space Year 2003, the Doctor immediately starts emailing poorly-spelt death threats to everyone in his address book. But by the time he reaches Vollmer, Professor Eric he finds himself starting to yearn for conversation beyond "NOWIWILLKILLYOU PREPAIR2DIE!!!" and idly asks if Vollmer has read any interesting airport novels lately.

Vollmer is happy to share his love of airport fiction, in particular Tom Clancy, and reveals he has a rather cushy gig working in an underwater sea base just off the Great Barrier Reef, investigating the possibility of using hydro-thermal sea-bed vents to act as a renewable energy source. All his test turbines have melted in the heat, but Vollmer remains stupidly optimistic that he can work something out.

Vollmer bitches that his underwater roomie, Elliot Spencer, is refusing to help him melt more expensive turbines and instead locks himself in his laboratory, laughing evilly and screaming about perverting the course of nature itself. Vollmer admits candidly that he’s becoming somewhat irritated as Elliot has refused to do the washing up three times in a row, in clear violation of the household charter, just because he has to work hard on genetically-modifying aquatic super soldiers!

The Doctor is gripped by paranoia and quickly comes up with a conspiracy theory that the Deep-Sea Energy Exploration Project (AKA the DSEEP) is merely a front for corrupt American capitalistic warfare being waged upon the Free World! Tegan asks for some hint of evidence to this, but the Doctor just laughs at her like a madman for twenty-five minutes straight and then completely changes the subject.

Convinced that the DSEEP is the centre of pure evil experiments threatening all future life in the universe, the Doctor decides to infiltrate the base. He plans to land the TARDIS deep underwater, emerge into the lethal environment and run across the seabed and cut his way into the DSEEP with his sonic tin-opener and generally improve from thereon in.

Tegan suggests they just relocate the TARDIS inside the DSEEP but the Doctor is sickened by her weak, lazy and UnAustralian attitude to the world at large. After materializing the TARDIS, the Doctor straps some of Leela’s spare bowie knives to his body and climbs into the decompression chamber conveniently kept in the corner of the control room. Not even waiting for the pressure to equalize, the Doctor charges up through the hatch in the roof of the police box...

...and discovers the time machine has, with its usual unreliability, NOT arrived at the bottom of the ocean but inside the DSEEP itself. It has lots of glass-paneled corridors, with spectacular views of the sea bed. Rather like that tourist trap in that Jaws film no one remembers.

Dropping to the floor, the Doctor goes on the prowl noting that the DSEEP is a secret base, and secret bases have unpleasant, unhinged military commanders running them to wage their own personal vendettas against the outside world.

Sure enough, one General Clinton Fffffffffunt is already on site.

Since typing Fffffffffunt is time consuming and inherently pointless, I shall dub the mad yank fuckwit "Flint" for the rest of this guide entry. Anyone who is upset or injured by this decision, well, I hated you all ready and I’m glad you suffer further on my behalf.

Flint has some waffles with honey and tells Vollmer that he was employed to act as the public face of the DSEEP because he was gullible enough not to notice what was really going on down here: Elliot’s genetic abomination super soldiers to protect the United States of a miracle!

The trio are then disturbed by the deranged laughter coming from the next room as the Doctor dances on the spot shouting that he KNEW he was right and he can now deal with these dickheads threatening the natural order of creation on this planet!

As Flint and the scientists listen on, the worryingly-happy Doctor reveals his entire reason for being there and also that the genetic super soldiers have the DNA of one of the tentacle-monsters from "Deep Rising" and thus could lead to a biohazard capable of wiping out all life on Earth.

Flint decides the Doctor is a nutter and beats him up, and when Vollmer na├»vely threatens to break the official secrets act and sell his story to the Sydney Morning Herald, Flint decks him unconscious and decides to have Elliot pump Vollmer full of the Evil Apocalyptic Super Soldier DNA. True, not only is Flint risking global annihilation of all human life, and he’s also trying to create a super human sea monster with a real grudge against him but... well... he’s an AMERICAN. They do retarded selfish shit like that all the time.

The Doctor allows it to happen since he has decided he completely despises everyone else in the room and, frankly, isn’t a hundred sure he even gives a damn if all life on Earth perishes.

After being injected in the neck with glow-in-the-dark bright green mutagenic compounds with a sprinkling of growth-enhancement hormones and just a dash of anabolic steroids, Vollmer transforms into a green monster not unlike the Creature from the Black Lagoon, with a neck frill like medieval jester and a face that just ran into a wall.

Flint then goes and sets the sea base to self-destruct with six convenient thermonuclear warheads that happened to planted outside the base for this sort of situation. The Doctor laughs even harder at how Flint seems more determined to kill himself than a chronically-depressed lemming with a lethal overdose of morphine.

Elliot rants that great scientific progress is made in times of war and that the data collected by Nazi doctors has been used to save lives. In short, the ends justify the means.

The Doctor notes that this is the first intelligent thing Elliot has ever said, and stabs Elliot to death on the grounds that it’s a cheap, easy solution to prevent the end of the world. In short, the ends justify the means.

Just then, Flint enters and is impressed to the man he’d dismissed as a bleeding-heart liberal has just murdered Elliot in cold blood. He and the Doctor laugh for a moment and then the Doctor charges the General and rips his bloody arms off, spewing blood everywhere. The Time Lord runs back to the TARDIS, leaving Flint to die.

On the way, he passes Vollmer-beast and shoots him repeatedly before running inside the TARDIS with Tegan and waiting for the explosions to occur... but they don’t.

Incredibly disappointed, the Doctor strides out and has a childish temper tantrum as he hurls abuse at the shoddy American dirty bombs for their substandard detonators. He then heads for Elliot’s lab full of disfigured, mutated bodies and smashes them all, destroying all the evidence of what happened here.

Tegan is horrified by the Doctor’s casual homicide and complete lack of remorse... or, indeed sanity. The Doctor notes that this killing spree was the only way to ensure that Elliot’s experiments never saw the light of day, and that some things are more important that individual human lives rather than taking the piss-weak, namby-pamby approach that gets nothing done and leads to doomsday event extinction.

Just then a hideous monster appears – but it’s not Vollmer, it’s Flint who has mutated thanks to the enhanced DNA, part of a hideous flesh-altering plague which could if unresolved threaten every mortal being on the planet. And the immortal ones won’t be having it easy either, I can tell you.

Flint reveals that he switched off the self-destruct sequence at the last moment. Now mutated into the ultimate super soldier, Flint is fueled by something he can only describe as possessing the quality fistworthiness – the ability to rise above the ordinary, to live the life of the extreme extremists, strength, power!

Freed from the disease of weakness, Flint challenges the Doctor to a fight to the death to show the Time Lord for the spineless cowardly no-fist loser that he is, unable to go through with what Needs To Be Done!

The Doctor grins insanely and charges straight at Flint...

...who easily clotheslines the Doctor and snaps his neck.

Flint gurgles about how pathetic his foe was, and plans to take the surveillance camera footage on a memory stick and sell it to the ABC as a pilot for an extreme lifestyle show, even though ANYONE finding out about these experiments could lead to them being repeated and thus (dear mother of god how many times do I have to write this?) the end of all life on Earth as we know it.

But Tegan knows the Doctor’s dead body can regenerate into a new form with all of his old memories and experience – and before their eyes the Doctor’s corpse bursts into a pale yellow-orange flames, and within seconds the light reaching a blinding intensity before fading to reveal the New Doctor: a huge, hulking wrestler-like figure with lots of curly hair and a vacuous, childlike expression.

Unimpressed, Tegan picks up a gun and shoots the New Doctor through the head, killing him instantly and triggering another regeneration. The Time Lord’s body is bathed in light as it changes every single cell, a new form taking shape beneath the brightness as it dissipates to reveal the Next New Doctor.

This Doctor is a slightly slimmer individual with slicked-back hair and amber sunglasses and a beard. Instantly, the Doctor opens his eyes, lets out a primal scream and repeatedly punches Tegan in the face until she drops the gun, picks up the gun, shoots Flint, beats Tegan’s skull in with the gun, shoots Flint again, gets the mutant in a headlock and throws him straight into the base computer. Flint is electrocuted and the self-destruct system reactivates.

Still growling, the new Doctor kisses his thumb and then runs into the TARDIS and takes off as the DSEEP explodes in a radioactive fireball that rips open the sea floor and destroys all evidence.

The world and all future life in the universe has been saved, the evil plans of the American military are out of reach, and the Doctor has not only achieved a new powerhouse regenerative form but got rid of the weak dog companions in his life that were holding him back.

As he searches the TARDIS wardrobe for clothing that will fit his new body, the Doctor grants himself FIVE Full Fists earning him the respect and admiration of his peers in the extreme galactic community and the absolute honor of being the Defender of the Planet Earth.

The police box time machine hurtles off into the depths of the time vortex to seek out piss-weak worlds, spineless civilizations and earn fist where no extreme lifestyle choices have earned fist before...

Book(s)/Other Related –
Double the Doctor, Double the Carnage, Double the Fist
Doctor Who – DSEEP Throat
Dr. Who Kills American Fuckwits (Canada Only)
John Leekley’s Doctor Who Bible of Fist

Fluffs – James Wenham seemed absolutely insane for most of this story.

"Elliot took it to be dilidium. Dilididdydumdiddydoo."

"Hahahaha! The sonic screwdriver works with the MAGIC of REALITY! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!"

"Don’t LIE to me, vampire!!"

Goofs –
Elliot says there isn’t enough testosterone to balance out Tegan’s presence in the story. He’s probably lying, but why couldn’t they just use all those dangerous toxic hormone cocktails to restore the balance, huh? No fist.

Technobabble -
None. Made up scientific bollocks is for no-fist losers.

Links and References –
The Doctor feels the need to quote some dialogue from Error of the Autons for reasons best known to himself.

Untelevised Misadventures -
Well, obviously their copy of Marley Undead is not the same as the one I have. And I envy them.

Fully-Fisted DVD Extras –
A full length novel by James Wenham featuring his incarnation of the Doctor entitled "You Are Nothing But Raw Material To The Government". In it, the Doctor infiltrates a sickeningly weak research project attempting provide 24-hour solar power to the whole world rather than come up with their own ideas. The Doctor soon realizes that the dog in charge, the distinctly-foreign-sounding Miguel Guzman is receiving secret messages through US-issued brain implants to turn his coworkers into solar radiation and so rule mankind. The Time Lord easily beats them by unplugging various bits of machinery, and then hunting down Guzman with a petrol chainsaw. Destroying the project and defeating a vaguely-defined alien menace, the Doctor is awarded the Full Fist.

Weak No-Fist Dialogue Disasters -

Doctor: If I told you, I’d have to kill you. Though I’d probably kill you anyway.
Tegan: Never one to pull your punches, are you?
Doctor: No way, Tegan. I keep punching until I see bone!

Doctor: Finding out the truth is important, but even more important is killing these stupid American assholes with their idiotic genetic experiments. "Ooh, I want to protect my kind from terrorism!" Grow up, you losers! If your pathetic country is so scared of a few hook-wielding terrorists, then it doesn’t deserve to make it. "Darwin says survival of the fittest!" Yeah, not GM aquanoids, though does he? Just remember this, I did everything I could to stop you without ripping out your optic nerves. I won’t be responsible for the consequences! HAH! NOW I sound like an American! HAHHAHAH!

Vollmer: I don’t want any mindless violence.
Doctor: You’ve come to the wrong place.
Tegan: Doctor?
Doctor: Just thinking out loud.

Doctor: You don't know me at all, General, you just think you do. You also think I’m not going to hunt you down and kill you like the weak dog you are. HAH! You thought Afghanistan was a big mistake, you haven’t seen me yet...

Fistworthy Dialogue -

The Unsoiled-Sixth Doctor’s first, last and indeed only words.
"Hi... I’m the Doctor. New body. Feels pretty good. Yeah."

New Doctor: Smith. Doctor John Smith. But everyone calls me the Doctor. I’ve come to kick your ass! DOUBLE THE FIST! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHH!!

The Speaking Clock: Time has no meaning when the sun no longer rises above you. But at a pinch I’d say it will be thirteen past one in the afternoon. I could be wrong.

Viewer Quotes Of The Weak –

"The Unsoiled Range shows us what Doctors that never were would have done in adventures that never happened."
- Stater of The Completely Bleeding Obvious (2008)

"Mephisto’s Doctor swears, bribes smugglers and kills people to cover up secrets – he’s really quite a piece of work. A risky story to cover, which in itself must earn Big Finish some credit, but possibly the cause of a few demands for refunds from the real Doctor’s fans. Like me. This was fucking LAME!" - Alden Bates (2003)

"It was the promise of the shock ending to come that kept me wading through the contrived plot-lines, shallow characters, the mind-numbing "underwater" score that transitions each scene, the flat performances and ridiculous accents that pervade this story. I hated it for the obvious fanwank that it was! Big Finish, you make me SICK!"
- Dave Restal (2003)

"This story was pitched as one that would ask the question: What if the Doctor were ruthless? What if he believed the ends justified the means? But we don’t have to wonder what it would be like of the Doctor believed the ends justifies the means. He demonstrates it all the time! Find a story where he doesn’t! YOU IGNORANT SCUM! DON'T EVER RELEASE THIS AGAIN!" - Andrew Beeblebrox (2003)

"By far the darkest and most removed from the original premise of the Doctor, Full Fist Five treads areas that DW hardly ever touches – thanks to restraining orders. This is a one track Doctor, one who lies and cheats his way to get what he wants, who has his own morals, and demands everyone agree with them. More brain-dead, moronic and just plain idiotic! Fuck you, Steve Foxx, no one tells ME how to live my life. You throw your pathetic, phallocentric overcompensation and I will double the fucking fist all right - square through your ugly, hairy face. Write another Doctor Who story at your peril, Foxx-face, cause I'll kick your fat, blubbery body into a naked singularity. FUCK OFF AND DIE SCREAMING WITH YOUR SO-CALLED 'FULL FIST' UP YOUR OWN ARSE!" - Nigel Verkoff (2004)

"A wonderful foray into the unexpected. A masterpiece. Please don’t kill me, Mephisto." - Ewen Campion-Clarke (2008)

James "Mephisto" Wenham Speaks!

(Ed Note: this was when Mephisto was possessed by an evil Aztec statue and probably not the best time to interview him. My bad.)

Steve Foxx Speaks!
"When it comes to Doctor Who, I don’t think I’m the best Doctor, I know I’m the best Doctor. The simple that I’m on the cover of the CD and you’re a complete fanboy lunatic proves this. Full Fist Five is the most explosive release that the total weakness of fan audios have ever had to deal with. It should be treated as the most important disc that they have ever made or ever will make. Because it is.

Frankly, the pathetic excuses for living creatures that run Big Finish barely even count as anthropoids and should be hunted for sport as the international pests they are! The BBC should do us all a favor, bring back Doctor Who to television and make these no-fist losers making CDs stab themselves with the crystal cases!

This show needs to pull itself out of the sludge pit of weakness that the fans have created for it. There is nothing wrong with Doctor Who itself, you unpatriotic cattle, and if you think that whining on Outpost Gallifrey is going to help then know this – YOU ARE BEYOND HELP! You are a moron, a complete and utter moron, with too much to say and not enough time to think about it. You aren’t worth the cheaply-imported ham products you live off.

And as for you, Ewen – or, should I say "Fugitoid" - you and your entire program guide makes me sick, you weak, pasta-like computer worm. Talk to me again and I’ll break both your pathetic legs!

PS – yes, you can use this for your guide. Be excited, you weak dog."

Rumors & Facts –

The 'what if...?' element of the first two Doctor Who Unsoiled adventures has revolved around what would have happened if existing continuity had played out differently. I mean, duh, what part of "Unsoiled" has so failed to grab your attention?

But for Steve Foxx’s contribution to the Unsoiled series he chooses a different course of action to the other spineless no-fist losers by applying the 'what if...?' to the Doctor's character itself. By doing this, Foxx has written the most unsoiled of the Doctor Who Unsoiled plays to date as he uses the freedom to depart from the series’ usual constraints with telling effect to create a sinister and unsettling story, which may prove to be one of Big Finish’s most fistworthy releases to date.

Foxx was sound designer for an incalculable amount of Big Finish releases, after a motorbike accident violently disintegrated both his knees and forced him to abandon his life as a career athlete. In his spare time he wrote many self-help books, which are available in booklet form. Finally, one day, he snapped and exploded into the powerhouse we know today solely responsible for the TV phenomenon that is "Double the Fist" which proves betterment can be obtained through extremity and that anyone can reach greater heights through a belief in the power of Fist.

As 2003 began, Foxx dubbed Big Finish and indeed Doctor Who in general as suffering "from a severe case of comatose mediocrity" which was preventing the fans from reviving the series proper. Fandom was populating by empty complaining whingeing critics who just don’t know how to put their backs into it. Doctor Who fans, Foxx warned, were in serious danger of turning into Americans and needed shaking up.

Thus, the Eternal Underdog (as he referred to himself and – after two minutes alone in his company – everyone else referred to him as well assuming they still were capable of speech) demanded to be allowed to pen a story that would offer fans an adrenaline shot into the arm and hold accountable the weak, topple the so called fan hierarchy and opinion forums like Outpost Gallifrey would become ACTION forums.

"If I was a god," Foxx shouted through a megaphone at John Ainsworth on numerous occasions, "I would tell my people that the meek will NOT inherit the Earth and that the weak will burn in hell! To be weak is a SIN! To sit around and waste time critiquing the continuity placement of Ace in regards to the New Adventures is a SIN! To excel is to be closer to ME!!"

Firm in the belief that natural selection had allowed him to claw his way to the position of working at Big Finish, Foxx believed that the microclimate of Doctor Who always called for the strong to survive and rise up and carry it to the next level of evolution. "Just look at Adric!" Foxx screamed and everyone nodded wisely.

Doctor Who, Foxx explained, was capable of changing the world and making it a better place and anyone that doubted this was a foolish dog with learning difficulties to be unaware of the Power of Fist. However, when Tom Baker had left to be replaced by a spineless, cowardly, celery-wearing, no-extrem-sport cricket-loving LOSER, the show had lost its way. It had become weak, disenfranchised, with every task too hard, every challenge unconquerable and by 1985 had completely given up the Evolution Revolution.


Foxx decided his story would once and for all show that the Doctor not only believes that the ends justify the means, he is prepared to go to any length to achieve his aims "unlike that weak dog Celery Boy!"

The climax of Full Fist Five must rank as one of the most disturbing scenes ever heard in a Big Finish audio – including the gore-filled birth-of-REG sequence from Nowhere-Land. So pretty fucking disturbing, ladies and gentlemen, I think you can agree.

If hearing the creature that Flint has become choking the Doctor to death on his own TARDIS key wasn’t enough, Foxx takes it further by showing just how much Tegan has learnt from the Doctor. She is prepared to shoot each of his new incarnations until he is finally dead, even though a new Doctor may not necessarily have shared his predecessor’s viewpoint. By shooting him in cold blood, she has essentially taken on the Doctor’s mantle in that she is prepared to take a life in order for the means to justify the ends, which in this case was preventing the Doctor from causing her - and anyone else he may have deemed expendable in the future - further harm.

Full fist, Tegan. FULL FIST!

James Wenham was perhaps not the most immediately exciting casting choice for the Doctor in this series, what with him having no legal status in ANY country and being on the run from multiple national taxation agencies – hence dubbing himself "Mephisto" for reasons best known to himself. But his performance is so strong and so right for this script that he proves himself an inspired choice – especially when all the other applicants for the role died in such hideous and mysterious circumstances.

His short-lived successor, Christopher Bradley (AKA the Womp) delivers a convincing display of post-regenerative confusion, helped no doubt by the brain damage he received as a child which prevents him from aging mentally. But if you’ve ever heard the power and depth of his performances as private detective Philip Marlowe in the BBC Radio adaptations of Raymond Chandler's novels, then you’re a lying scumbag as Bradley is a gardener by trade and never acted in radio before or since. You think you could fool me? YOU MAKE ME SICK!

But it is Steve Foxx himself as the Unsoiled Seventh Doctor who is the most outstanding performance in this simply amazing cast. He is so full of passion and determination for his cause to kick the shit out of his enemies, that it makes his emotion so raw and real since the dialogue consists only of primal screaming. This standout performances are the rock which the successes of Full Fist Five are based upon.

This is a full-fisted attempt at using the Doctor Who Unsoiled idea to produce something truly worthwhile. By challenging our piss-weak central perceptions of who the Doctor is morally, Steve Foxx has created a Doctor whose character departs significantly enough from the 'real', weak version to draw his personality into sharp focus. Is it any wonder that the Big Finish production team immediately allowed Foxx to become a recurring character in the Eighth Doctor range, with a whole universe devoted to fistworthiness?

With its uncompromising portrayal of the Doctor, Full Fist Five will unsettle and disturb the weak spineless dogs of fandon, yet that is its intent as it will confound listeners’ wussy expectations. Plus the Fist Hit "Hero At Last!" is much better than the ordinary 1980s Peter Howell theme music, don’t you find?

Now, don’t EVER read this guide entry again!

I can see it now my task’s in sight
I’m reaching out so I can hold it
I have to strive to be on time
I know it’s meant to be

I’m a hero at last!
Oh how long will it last?
I made it through when
All the rest are left behind

You can lose it sometimes
Oh, I must be blind!
I’ve never seen this "second best"
I’ve never seen this "second best"!

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