Unbound # 5 - Exile

An Extract From The EC Unauthorized Programme Guide O' Alphastates

W H A T I F . . . MIGHTY MIDGET TV COMIC 21 WAS ACTUALLY CANONICAL? AND THE SECOND DOCTOR WAS A WOMAN? AND THE TENTH DOCTOR WAS ACTUALLY A SELL-OUT CLASS TRAITOR STOOGE OF THE FASCIST TIME LORD BULLY BOYS? AND NICHOLAS BRIGGS A MASS HALLUCINATION? AND SAINSBURY’S RUN BY ZAGBOR SLAVE TRADERS? NEED I GO ON?! I DO? WELL... TOUGH!!


A Screwy Doctor – A Screwy Dimension


Mighty Midget TV Comic 21 # 916 - 936 – Whose Exile Is It Anyway?

The Time Lords have passed judgement on the Wank Lord, sentencing him to listen to Menudo until utterly dead. Riding high on a feeling of sadistic pleasure, they turn to their next case against the grubbly little anarchist known as Dr. Who... but she’s buggered off!

The Time Lord consider using their communal telepathy and amazing powers of psychological-strategic manipulation to lure Dr. Who into a deadly trap. But all in all, that sounds too much like hard work and there’s no guarantee the deranged trigger-happy space inventor will actually fall for it. They need someone similarly criminally-unbalanced to help them and turn to the Wank Lord for help. However, he has transformed into Roger Delgado and started referring to himself as "the Bastard"; quite simply, he’s way out of their league.

Thinking quickly, the Time Lords head for the Untempered Schism, a gap in the fabric of reality open to the eternities of time and space. Using the awesome powers they rather conveniently have to hand, the Time Lords summon into existence a Dr. Who from another dimension to use as a cruel, ruthless and determined bounty hunter. What emerges from the schism is a hyperactive Scot with spiky hair, a brown coat and a tendency to shout "Jings!" at inappropriate moments. But most disturbing of all, this alt-Doctor is a MAN!

Nevertheless, the alt-Doctor is more than prepared to help the Time Lords hunt down his parallel equivalent down like a dog. The alt-Doctor deduces that Dr. Who will try to hide out on her favorite planet and he and the Tribunal (who the alt-Doctor nicknames "Silverhair", "Clayface" and "Duckfeatures" respectively) set off. The alt-Doctor gets them all to dress in leather coats and shades to look like extras from Matrix Revelations, so they will perfectly fit into the year 2000... but this just a prank on the alt-Doctor’s part, as they arrive in 1969.

The alt-Doctor is bang on the money, however: Dr. Who HAS fled to Earth to escape the perverted justice of the Time Lords – and thus has booked herself into the Carlton Grange, a plush and swanky West End hotel, to take things easy for a while. The Time Lords decide to book a suite opposite Dr. Who and lay a trap, only to discover she’s popped out to save some spoilt brats from nuclear terrorists and worse, their Euros are not acceptable currency in 1969.

The alt-Doctor and the Time Lords thus set off to collect some money via the time-honoured Earth tradition of mugging an old lady and, with their ill-gotten gains rent a bedsit in Hammersmith. There they discover that Dr. Who is not actually keeping a very low profile – she has a regular column in The Daily Record about her trips to US Air Bases, alien planets and the depths of time itself. The Time Lords decide subtlety is not required and decide to loiter outside the Carlton Grange and nab Dr. Who when she returns... but she doesn’t!

In order to pay for her incredibly opulent lifestyle, Dr. Who has taken up a day job of trolley attending at the nearest branch of Sainsbury’s and uses her nifty utility belt to free stuck coins and get things off the really high shelves.

True, it’s not a fitting job for a time and space traveler, but she gets a ten per cent discount on vodka, lettuces and toilet paper. Plus she has plenty of time on the weekends to work with the Singh Brotherhood and steal Aztec Gold, or defeat stowaway Cybermen on experimental American stealth bombers. This exciting exile is actually turning out to be a rather enjoyable holiday, and Dr. Who’s relaxation is ruined by only one thing.

For some unfathomable reason she is being stalked by a strange, bald man in a tuxedo carrying a toothbrush that only she can see. The furious weirdo screams that he IS canonical and frankly he’s disgusted with her behavior, as she’s stacking cans rather than exploring the wonders of the galaxy and fighting evil monsters. Dr. Who tries to ignore the toothbrush-wielding maniac, but rapidly becomes insanely paranoid. Soon she is drop-kicking customers in the belief they are in fact working for her arch-nemesis, The Raving Loony.

Meanwhile, the alt-Doctor has come up with a brilliant scheme to lure Dr. Who out of hiding. The Time Lords will go to Jodrell Bank and impressively make first contact with all of humanity. The trouble is, as one of his harmless pranks, the alt-Doctor has fed his fellow Time Lords a dinner of cold dog food and burnt baked beans, leaving them utterly bedridden with food poisoning.

The alt-Doctor is thus forced to downscale his plan somewhat. Using an etheric beam locator and the transmitter at Crystal Palace, he is able to interrupt Channel Five’s midnight schedule of Nazi Porn Athletics for a grand total of thirty seconds. With an unconvincing rubber mask, the alt-Doctor screams that he is the Leader of the Dryons, the most hideous creatures in the universe who eat small children and live on warm lava and that the Earth is doomed.

Unsurprisingly, Dr. Who misses it as she was busy in a cross country car rally where the AA men were killed and replaced by the evil Quirks. And the media won’t bother flying into a panic – they’ve had to deal with all sorts of aliens and the government will refuse to get involved before at least one nuclear power station has been destroyed. Munching thoughtfully on some lard, the alt-Doctor comes up with an even more cunning and brilliant plan!

Dr. Who shows up for the work the next day incredibly hungover, covered in motor oil and amazed to discover that the Royal Family have decided to pass the time by officially open Sainsbury’s car park, which has been unofficially open for the last sixteen years. However, the bald illusionary nutter is screaming in her ear that there is a diabolical alien plot, quite possibly by the Quotrons, to kill the monarchy by detonating a Cyberman doomsday bomb underneath the shopping center, driving Dr. Who to down a bottle of whiskey.

Now hungover AND drunk, Dr. Who runs into the car park babbling about aliens trying kill Princess Anne. Unsurprisingly, she is NOT attacked and overpowered by bodyguards, and instead the whole of West London is completely evacuated on the famous Dr. Who’s sayso. When it turns out there was absolutely no alien bombs of any kind, Sainsbury’s sacks her.

The mortally embarrassed Dr. Who rounds on her invisible stalker, who blows a raspberry in her face and dissolves into the ether, turning this increasingly extraneous plot thread downright pointless.

However, Dr. Who is famous for her incredible exploits and Perry Como invites him to appear on an exciting new TV panel game show called "Punch My Wife!". While there, Dr. Who meets a farmer from the deep southwest of England called Joe Glenlock-Hokum who oddly enough resembles David Tennant in a false beard and accent. Hokum reveals to Dr. Who that his scarecrows have been coming to life and competing in athletic sports; he also reveals that it has recently started raining phlegm, a man with four heads is protesting at the farm that "meat is murder" and two of his young heifers have been raped by a fish!

Out of this litany of Lovecraftian horror, only the walking scarecrows really interests Dr. Who and Hokum agrees to take her to his authentic rambling rustic farmhouse for quite a few pints of the local ale, Speckled Goat Semen. Now completely pissed and overconfident, Dr. Who and Hokum decide to venture into the moonlight at two in the morning to see if these scarecrows really DO sleepwalk.

Stumbling drunkenly across the fields, the duo soon see a glittery mirror ball descend out of the night sky and charges the scarecrows with psychedelic disco energy, bringing them to life. Soon they start doing Monty Python style silly walks and finally stumble across the TARDIS sitting in a small clearing: Dr. Who realizes that this is the very same paddock she abandoned her time machine in to start her exile, having first removed the Panasonic Batteries that power it.

Hokum removes his false beard to reveal he is the alt-Doctor and the scarecrows are in fact fully-armed Chamelioid Robots, servants of the Time Lords to track down Dr. Who and capture her. Silverhair, Clayface and Duckfeatures arrive and tell the renegade to surrender, but Dr. Who refuses and makes a run for it.

Tragically, she’s had too much Speckled Goat Semen and runs straight at the fully-armed Chamelioid Robots who promptly blast her with a cheap negative effect. Dr. Who collapses, suffused with light, instantaneously undergoing a strange metamorphosis...

Not only is the New Dr. Who a young Lewis Carrol lookalike with a big nose and long Byronic hair, the New Dr. Who is a man! This kind of gender-swapping sex change is just so icky even the scarecrows are nauseated, but worse is to come: the New Dr. Who is an incredibly smug, rude, unfunny bastard who isn’t half as clever as he assumes he is.

By the time they have all returned to Gallifrey to resume Dr. Who’s trial, everyone is completely fucking sick of him and especially his "equity card" one-liner which is frankly embarrassing. The Time Lords all found the old Dr. Who rather endearing and were originally to just exile her back to Earth, but this icky transsexual stuff has left them without any choice.

Somewhat peeved, the New Dr. Who requests the opportunity to appeal by showing the Time Lords the evils she’s faced, but they’ve already seen the Quirks and weren’t impressed. The Doctor is thus sentenced to be irreversibly confined to his TARDIS for the next five million billion zillion quintillion years, so when he finally escapes he will be the intellectual equivalent of primeval mud to the super-evolved Godlike creatures floating around the cosmos. Should he attempt to escape the realms of time, his TARDIS will explode.

The New Dr. Who enters the TARDIS to find a note from the alternate-Doctor claiming that he sympathises and is giving him the opportunity to escape with little fuss. The Doctor operates the TARDIS controls, but as it begins to dematerialise, it occurs to him a moment too late to wonder whether he was telling the truth.

There is a blinding flash, a sudden shockwave, and the police box vanishes in a mighty burst of colour completely wasted on viewers with black and white televisions. The alt-Doctor grins and shouts "Sayonara, sucker!!" at the sparkling ruins.

Book(s)/Other Related – Dr Who - The Transsexual Time Lord!
Dr. Who Versus The Hangover of Doom
Sci Fi Flatulence of Unreasonable Comfort
Doctor Mysterio el loco Noctural Ambulators


Fluffs – Arabella Weir seemed to living on two packets of crisps and a pint of lager for pretty much all of this story.

"You don’t want to crowned by the Time Lords do you? Did I say crowned? I don’t remember. Crowned. What sounds like crowned? Clowned? Clawed? I haven’t got the faintest idea where I’m going with this..."

The Scarecrow-bots normally have dialogue like, "TARGET SIGHTED IN SECTOR FOUR", "THE PRISONER WILL STAND," or "THIS UNIT OBEYS". So when one of them screams "EAT BURNING DEATH! KISS YOUR UGLY ASS GOODBYE, BITCH!" at Dr. Who, it seems a bit off.


Goofs –
The Time Lords say that the Wank Lord truly IS Frank N Furter, when the truth is the Wank Lord was just an insanely enthusiastic fan of The Rocky Horror Picture Show and named himself after the main character. I hate it when people make mistakes like that – it gives the impression I’m only a fan of this show for all the leather-clad perverts sating their vile depraved lusts when really I’m fan of it because of the... er... well, the less kinky stuff. Let’s leave it at that.


Technobabble -
The Time Lords use an ACME etheric beam vector coordinator to provide them with Friday night fry-ups while in their bedsit.


Links -
Originally on Earth, Dr. Who assumed the identity of Susan Foreman but was forced to abandon it when she discovered the police still had numerous outstanding warrants for Susan’s arrest after the pipe bomb incident at Coal Hill School in 1963.


Untelevised Misadventures -
Dr. Who and Jamie parted company after they sold the patent of Martha The Mechanical Housemaids to International Inventions. After the teething troubles involving a Quirk Invasion Force, Jamie stole all the profits and fled to live the life of a billionaire in New York, while Dr. Who was left penniless (and also in the running to becomes President of the United States of America).


Dialogue Disasters -

QUIRK: Earth will know soon enough of our arrival. We will keep it secret for a little longer, so this redneck farmer we happened to arrive in front of must DIE! Show him no m-e-r-c-y! He must be d-e-s-t-r-o-y-e-d!
QUIRK 2: Yes, o-b-l-i-t-e-r-a-t-e-d!
QUIRK: A-l-a-r-m! Think up your own dialogue!
QUIRK 2: Er... AARK! AARK! AARK!
QUIRK: On s-e-c-o-n-d thoughts, just shut the hell up. LET IT BE DONE!

DR. WHO: Did you see that? An alien broadcast on our television?
BLOKE IN PUB: Looks like a bloke in a rubber mask.
DR. WHO: They take many forms. Some of them look like that. Actually, pretty much all of them look like that. If it didn’t know better, I’d say Earth was being targeted by a mass conglomerate of mercenaries, all of them wearing unconvincing rubber masks... but that is, of course, ridiculous.

QUIRK: S-o-m-e-w-h-e-r-e and at some time Dr. Who will die. I mean, it stands to reason, doesn’t it? Law of a-v-e-r-a-g-e-s and all that. bound to happen, sooner or later.

Upon being struck by half a million volts –
DR. WHO: Ahhh! It knacks! Time’s up! Eat your greens, boys and girls, and don’t forget to... put the cat out...
ALT-DOCTOR: Dang meh, ee cun stell tark!

QUIRK: Follow that c-a-r! A-f-t-e-r them!

The truly brain damaged product placement scenes -
BEAR: *straining noise*
TROLLEY ATTENDANT 1: Any luck?
BEAR: Won’t budge. Whoops!
TROLLEY ATTENDANT 1: Gazooks! A bear’s done a big poo in my mouth!
TROLLEY ATTENDANT 2: You disgust me. Ursine defecation is not a fitting topic of conversation for a Sainsbury’s staff room!! Have some Sainsbury’s mouth wash.
TROLLEY ATTENDANT 1: Mmmm. It really is so tasty and nutritious! But we seem to be running short!
TROLLEY ATTENDANT 2: Don’t worry, Sainsbury’s will happily send round some more to confirm our opinions and get us to repeat them in public.
BEAR: What professionals!

On a similar note, the naked Quirk-lust for contractual reason -
DR. WHO: No one has encountered the ghastly Quirks and lived! Their reputation for destruction is unparalleled throughout the distant galaxies! Look in the dictionary under "the most deadly robots ever known" and you’ll find the evil Quirks, all right.

TIME LORD: Evil forces have chosen us for obliteration. I think I can guess as to the identity of those forces. Unless I’m very much mistaken... IT HAS TO BE THE QUIRKS!

ALT-DOCTOR: I hoped never to see those hideous Quirks ever again! Our doom is certain: it’s only a matter of time before the Quirks hunt us down and kill them! Aw, jings!


Dialogue Triumphs -

DR. WHO: Do you want me to help you into bed?
ALT-DOCTOR: Jings! This is definitely a novel approach to masturbation!

QUIRK LEADER: It appears we shall need to develop something MORE deadly than AA patrolmen with ray-guns!

NEW DR. WHO: Mirror! Mirror! Oh no! All these regenerations and I’ve still got a big nose!
TIME LORD: Who are you?
NEW DR. WHO: Who do you think? I’m Dr. Who!
TIME LORD: But you can’t change gender like David Bowie changing his look!
NEW DR. WHO: Can.
TIME LORD: Can’t!
NEW DR. WHO: Can!
TIME LORD: Can’t!
NEW DR. WHO: Who says? Besides, you’re in no position to lecture! I can see right up your flowing diaphanous robes!
TIME LORD: ...what has that got to with anything?
NEW DR. WHO: Not a lot, I was just trying to embarrass you amusingly.
TIME LORD: Didn’t work, did it?
NEW DR. WHO: Whatever. Anyone fancy a drink? I’m going for a slash.

DR. WHO: I hate trolleys! They're just Dustbins without the interesting bits that might get the lawyers interested in suing us!

QUIRK LEADER: Fate has smiled on us. We must take the opportunity to kill our arch-enemy! There can be no escape for an enemy of the Q-u-a-r-k-s. Death to the one known as D-o-c-t-o-r W-h-o for the crimes she has committed against us! The time of her doom has arrived! The murder mission t-a-s-k will be a pleasure! It is pointless to run! Her death is only a jerk of my a-t-o-m-i-c blazing ray trigger away!
QUIRK 2: The time traveler has escaped!
QUIRK LEADER: F-U-C-K!!!!

Dr. Who has numerous and rather stupid exclamations and oaths...
"By the Powers of Grey Skull!"
"Exploding planetary expletives!"
"Great Enoch Powell!"
"By Jupiter, thank Jupiter that Great Jupiter’s Jupiter!"
"Great Galloping Galaxies!"
"What in the name of sanity and creation itself?!"
"Exploding comet-based expletives!"
"Great Venusian Vegetables Rammed Firmly Up Your Anus!"
"I’m not fussy. But I could manage a nice juicy steak."
"DIE, HIDEOUS CREATURE, DIE!!!!"


Viewer Quotes –

"This story is stupid, unsubtle, unfunny, unacceptably limp, like a lettuce past its sell-by date. And you’d never find one of THOSE in Sainsbury’s!" - Sainsbury’s PR Dept (2003)

"Sweet lord, this is worse than that Tomorrow People episode with Peter Davison forced to take part in gay porn, 'A Moan From Emily'!"
- Cameron J Mason (2005)

"We are a bit concerned though that while Nick Briggs not only wrote, directed and featured in the play, but having his ugly mug staring out on the CD cover as well is overkill..? Oh, and the word 'jings' is said four hundred and eighty-one times!"
- The Royal Family (2003)

"Don’t you dare make anything like it ever again."
- Jo Ford Prefect (2004)

"The Doctor played by Nick Briggs was good. The chap has done that much to further the adventures of the good Doctor over the years, and he really does provide an effective alternative Doctor. If the Unbound series happens again, let's have Nicholas Briggs as a fully fledged Doctor. I have lost count of how many times now he has played or been drawn as an alternative Doctor!!" - Nicholas Briggs (1984 – present)

"BF’s sound effect of projectile vomiting is actually rather good."
- Simon Pegg (2005)

"My major fear on perusing the inlay was that Briggs would try to take over the production with another one of his "I am the Doctor – no really, I am!" performances, with Briggs acting as writer, director, script editor, actor, musician and cover star! Still the CD makes a nice beer coaster, doesn’t it?" - Ewen Campion-Clarke (2008)


Arabella Weir Speaks!
"It’s a big honor to be the first female Doctor Who – to be part of such a massive institution is wicked, man! I’m waiting for adoring fan letters from Japan! I’m very much hoping and expecting to get fan mail from people I’ve never had fan letters from before – not the usual "I love you in The Fast Show" or "I saw you in the Seychelles" kind. Something more like "Dear Arabella, I’ve been in love you for some time. I’m a lonely, 34-year-old, single man. I wonder if I can please have dinner with the most beautiful woman in England?" and I thought, "I’ve no idea. Can you?" Hah! Cruel things make me laugh, I admit.
But this will probably be my one and only Doctor Who story. At the end of it, I turned into a man. If I were a man, I’d just shag lots of women all the time. Isn’t that what blokes wan to do all day long? And not listen to anyone – I’d do that that! I’d not listen to anybody, shag lots of women and get pissed. And not care what anybody thought about me! Curse my stupid XX chromosome!"


Mark Gatiss Speaks!
"How utterly marvelous it is to play the Doctor. I treated the whole exercise as if I were actually cast. I held a press conference, sold my story to the newspapers, got on the cover of Doctor Who Magazine, gatecrashed Blue Peter with a deranged, hungry look in my eye... but I took it very seriously. I am no mere idiot leaping around in a silly costume on a wobbly set. I am idiot leaping round in a 1860s Lewis Carroll kind of look in a wobby recording studio. I don’t care if it’s on audio, these velvet lapels are to die for. I intend to smuggle my costume home. It’s mine. I’ve painted pictures of it in watercolours. If Angels the costumer want it back, they’ll have to tear it from my dead bones! This has not fulfilled my desire to play the Doctor? If anything, it’s sharpened it! Good God, yes! And now there is a proper, new series of Doctor Who on the horizon, well... The TARDIS will be mine!! ALL MINE!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!"


David Tennant Speaks! (2003)
"What’s my Doctor like? Well, he’s on audio, so he’s wearing a long frock coat. And a frilly shirt. And a stovepipe hat. And a long, multicoloured knitted scarf. And some pince-nez spectacles and a cricket jumper. Oh, and a neon pink Mohawk hairdo with huge sideburns! And if you believe that, I think I’ll give you a miss. No, I can’t stand all that dressing up with clothes like Mark Gatiss, the loony. As for RTD and his Who revival, well... Jings, I think I might, just MIGHT, be able to sweet talk him into giving me a part. We’re both huge fans of the show, and I do have those photos of him. Trouble is, he gives out those photos to all his friends, so it’d be pretty hard to blackmail him, wouldn’t it?"

David Tennant Speaks! (2006)
"Am I a jammy bastard or what?"


Nicholas Briggs Speaks!
"Next time, fandom. NEEEXXT TIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"


Rumors & Facts –
It didn’t take long for Big Finish to discover they simply didn’t have the funds to produce a spin-off series of audios. In fact, they worked it out long before Gay Russell actually suggested it in the first place. They needed more cold hard cash and the only reliable source of that was a being known only as The Creator of the Quirks – a Suddam Hussein-style 1970s Porn Star of Doctor Who history.

After getting one story on screen in 1969 (the Patrick Troughton serial The Dominatrix) and appearing himself in 1978 (the Tom Baker serial The Fanboys of Tara), this strange and demented individual had been campaigning for the return of his comic relief Dustbin-substitutes for longer than most of fandom had been alive. Russell cunningly allowed the Quirk Creator to pen a mainstream release for the Seventh Doctor and Mel, in return for a mere thirteen million pounds fee to cover production costs. After secreting all the cash he could into secret off shore investments, Russell decided to try and press the demented writer for some more money to fuel the Unsoiled range.

The Creator agreed on the condition that at least every single story feature guest appearances by the Quirks and one be a complete, balls-to-the-wall, giant wasp extravaganza of maximum Quirkyness. Russell accepted these terms and ensured that five of the six stories would "accidentally" have their Quirk cameo scenes lost in editing. Only one story would showcase the Quirks, and oddly enough it was the exact same story that Nicholas Briggs had reserved as part of his bid to become a proper, fully-fledged, infamous Doctor of Canon.

Laughing evilly, the producer set the two maniacs against each other and watched on, rather like an "Arena" episode of any given science fiction series. The nutters fought tooth and claw for three days and three nights before finally falling down dead. But that’s bit’s a lie, as they were still alive and agreed to compromise:

The story WOULD feature Nicholas Briggs as the Doctor, and it would also feature him fighting the Quirks, the deadliest enemies in the known skies as demonstrated in Mighty Midget TV Comic 21 strips – Invasion of the Quirks!, Killer Wasps of the Quirks!, Hunted by the Quirks Through the Jungle of Doom!, Quirk-Induced Robot Reign of Terror Involving Martha The Mechanical Housemaid! and The Dueling Quirks!

Thus, Briggs would portray the Second Doctor as shown in the comics – a highly-aggressive mad scientist with completely unbelievable dialogue, a utility belt of lethal ACME inventions, leaving a trail of screaming corpses throughout time and space. A quick flip through some back issues revealed they had the truly brain-twisting idea that at the end of The Wank Games, the Second Doctor did NOT regenerate but instead became a lecturer at London University, working closely with the Mafia and basing his life around a squalid Torquay hotel.

This "Season 6B" theory as some mouth-breathing brain-dead maggots have dubbed it, was considered more than worthy enough for an Unsoiled Adventure, but problems were to plague the production of Whose Exile Is It Anyway? For a start, David Tennant insisted that his "Tenth Doctor" from such award-losing stories as The Reservation of the Scourge or Coleslaw Cutaway or The Rupture deserved a story to showcase his zany Scottish fetishes and demanded that at least one Unsoiled play focus on his character.

Tennant was told to take it up with the very angry bald bloke foaming at the mouth in the corner and yet ANOTHER fight to the death occurred. Meanwhile, the Creator of the Quirks was disgusted that not only did his creations merit only one full scene in the story, but that scene was completely plagiarized from the Mighty Midget TV Comic 21 Action Winter Holiday Funtastic Playbook: Quirky Death Race 5000!

At that exact moment, news broke that the BBC had commissioned a brand new series of Doctor Who by award-winning writer and producer Russell "Tough Luck, Big Finish Losers!" Davies. The Creator of the Quirks immediately abandoned the audio range entirely and took his sack of loot with him, cutting off funding of every Unsoiled adventure!

A new sponsor was required more than a fish needs a bicycle, and Nicholas Briggs – determined not to let his diseased fantasies of questionable canonocity die – immediately went in person to the nearest branch of Sainsbury’s and did a deal. It cost him every last ounce of self-respect he had, all his Nector points and required the finished product to be stopped every five minutes will Briggs did a voiceover recommending Sainsbury’s produce to the listeners, but Briggs thought it was worth it.

But he was wrong!

While he was away, the rest of the cast decided to record all the material in the episode they could. They soon found the ideas they had after lunch were far more interesting and amusing than the original script, and worked out a completely new idea. It was recently discovered from a drunken Frazer Hines that the larynx of the human male was completely the wrong shape to mimic the voice of Patrick Troughton – if you wanted a convincing Second Doctor impression, it would have to be done by a woman.

Thus, it was decided that Whose Exile Is It Anyway? would feature a female Doctor! Gay Russell wanted Miriam Margoyles, John Ainsworth wanted Joanna Lumbley, Toby Longworth wanted Beyoncé Knowles and Jeremy James fancied Catherine Zeta Jones (but that’s neither here nor there). Unfortunately the only famous woman willing to play the part of a Quirk-obsessed exiled Second Doctor was Britney Spears.

Things looked bleak until David Tennant suggested his lodger – one Arabella Weir – for the part and no one else could be bothered to suggest anything different. Recording went ahead with Weir playing the role written for Briggs who was busy at Sainsbury’s at the time, and when he finally turned up for recording, everyone had finished and gone home. Weeping tears of blood, Briggs rounded everyone back to the studio and at gun point forced them to record a new ending where Weir’s Doctor was stupidly murdered and forced to regenerate into a completely new, less hirsute, more toothbrush-aware incarnation...

Tragedy struck yet again – Rob Shearman happened to be passing, hungover, and was deeply nauseated by the intensity of Briggs’ screaming death threats. So, without another word, he ducked into the studio and slit Briggs’ throat ear to ear with a Terileptil Hunting Knife the writer kept for just these sort of emergencies.

Briggs survived, worst luck, but was unable to record the scenes where he assumed the mantle of the Unsoiled Third Doctor. So, instead, just to screw with Briggs that extra little bit, Mark Gatiss was invited to assume the role. And was then killed off at the end of the play, destroying any hope of Briggs getting to play the Doctor.

For the next three weeks, Briggs left abusive phone messages on Weir’s answering machine. For a laugh, David Tennant suggested they play the funnier messages in the story, creating a completely baffling subplot of Dr. Who being stalked by the ghost of a very throaty Nick Briggs.

Finally, due to an editing mix-up caused by all the pints of Briggs’ blood splashing onto the mixing desk, the specially composed Doctor Who theme tune was replaced by the cast drunkenly doing a cover of "I Fought The Law And The Law Won"...


Racing Quirks in the hot sun
I fought the Time Lords and the Time Lords won
I fought the Time Lords and the Time Lords won!

Needed Sainsbury’s cash cause I had none
I fought the Time Lords and the Time Lords won
I fought the Time Lords and the Time Lords won!

Scarecrows surround me, nowhere to go
Looks like my race is run!
What they’ll do to me, I’ll never know
I fought the Time Lords and the Time Lords won
I fought the Time Lords and the Time Lords won!

Blasting Trods with my ray gun!
I fought the Time Lords and the Time Lords won
I fought the Time Lords and the Time Lords won!

When I was a girl, things were much more fun!
I fought the Time Lords and the Time Lords won
I fought the Time Lords and the Time Lords won!